He Doesn't Hate It, But He Doesn't Love It


Beachgirl56 writes:

My husband is not a fan of natural hair, he loves me, but prefers straight,
long hair, which I sported for years, until the damage set in. Now, I am
growing out my natural hair and I LOVE the freedom. But when I asked him how
he felt about my wash and go or braid outs, he said "it's not my favorite".
WOW, I was blown away. I have tried showing him information and letting him
know how I feel about this journey, but so far no change. My question is:

How do I get my husband to LOVE my natural hair and not just ENDURE it?

Can any of you relate?

104 Weigh in!:
DMB said...

let him run his hands through it more often

brunettefury said...

Make him sleep on the couch.

Loving Me said...

Is he still breathing???

apaine said...

idk if that's possible to "get him" to love it. just keep doing what makes you feel beautiful and that will shine thru. it takes them awhile to come around. my "friend" likes when i wear small twists and braids most, i think because it has a more "straight hair" quality (lays, swings, and has a good amount of length). i think he's kind of intimidated by my big hair, even still! lol but that's ok...

if your husband never learns to "love" it, i guess the question for you is, is that okay with you?

nitia715 said...

My boyfriend is the same way. He prefers my hair straight but deals with my natural styles because its my thing. So a couple times a year I wear my hair flat ironed or him. As long as I dont loc my hair he said he doesnt mind, but locs are a deal breaker for him.

Anonymous said...

A lot of men have the same distorted image of beauty that women have. After all, they live in the same society. My suggestion is to:


Explain why going natural is important to you.

Ask him why he prefers straight hair. Have an open discussion as to what influences have made him feel this way. I think he also needs to transition....mentally!

Involve him in selecting styles that you should try, there's nothing wrong with your hair but maybe some of the styles do not complement you as much? This is a bitter pill to swallow but it does take time to learn how to style your own hair. Look at blogs, Fotkis and videos together. Ask him to be patient and supportive

Be strong! The fact is because it's your husband, this makes it harder. But at the same time, don't let anyone prevent you from embracing that part of yourself. When you feel down, make-up some self affirmations to lift your spirits.

Good luck

Sue

TiAnna Mae said...

LOL@ brunettefury!!!

I believe that he will come around to it, and that it will just take time.

The more confident you become, the more styles you try, and the longer your hair grows, he will start to like it.

The first day after my BC, my husband did not like my hair. But I also surprised him with the style and didn't tell him what I was doing. By the second day, he couldn't keep his hands out of my one inch of hair.

bludini1 said...

Wow, this is a tough one. To me, men are visual creatures and really don't take change well. I think it is more of him getting used to the look. Of course he loves straight hair, it is probably all he is used to, all he sees on TV, internet and magazines. Give him some time.

Sharmer said...

Wow I'm amazed anf sorry to hear that. My husband has been very supportive in my journey so far and has even encouraged my transition. I hope that your husband will eventually change his opinion on natural hair

LaMaraVilla said...

Maybe wearing your hair in stretched styles like twist outs or braid outs will make him come around.

Anonymous said...

my husband is the exact same way. this is the first time in our years together that i haven't felt very pretty to him. i don't feel that just because he's my husband, he has to like everything i do...but at least try to be supportive. he will normally not say a word about my hair (if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all), but when i ask...he tells me what he really thinks. i've felt these comments have been mean, at times...but, i asked. as a wife, you truly have a want for your husband to find you attractive. it's only been 7 mths since my bc, but it feels like a lot longer as i've tried to deal with my insecurities over this new me. i have had to learn to deal with these on my own and not look to my husband to help validate. he does not like it, bottom line. i know this...so i've learned to stop asking him. people like what they like...period. if i'm choosing to try this route, i have to continue to build up my confidence so i won't feel like i need that validation from him, or anyone.

CurliciousBeauty said...

GET OUT OF MY HEAD! This is my exact situation, pretty much! I just have committed it to my mind that he won't really care for it unless I flat iron and or it grows VERY long curly. We shall see. Funny thing is, I don't care! To be honest, I don't really love his balding head, or a few other things about the changes he has made over the years...but I love and support him and I am attracted to him b/c of my love for him. I just hope I'm getting the same courtesy. I'm hoping for helpful responses, folks!

kitka82 said...

My husband was very quiet when I came home from getting BC'd. After a little prodding he finally revealed that he wasn't a fan of short hair. Funny thing is I've had short hair during most of our relationship. And I had a TWA when we started dating.

Don't stress-- your man will come around. Mine did. It took a little time, but now he compliments my hair all the time. For now, take some time to really get to know your hair. As you fall in love with it, your confidence will grow. I believe that confidence is what men truly love about women.

Anonymous said...

My husband was (and sometimes still is) the same way. Because of this he makes sure to stress how much he loves me and how beautiful I am even more, despite expressing that he didn't like my hair the other day!!

What I have learned is that as long as he truly loves me, that's all that matters. Consider this, if you despised your husband's facial hair, but he liked the way he looks with it, would you love him any less? Would you demand that he cut it off? Hopefully not, even though you may think "Ugh!" when you see him, you are mature enough to see past it. Lol!

My husband loved my relaxed hair, but understands my journey, respects it and would not dare agree to me relaxing again because he knows how much it means to me. As it grows longer I've even gotten a few "yeah babe, that's hot" comments!!

Anonymous said...

I think it is sooo important to project a beautiful side of natural hair. In his mind, he sees natural hair as nappy and unkept. But if you continue to do various styles and even amp them up with flowers and headbands (and those Angela Davis earrings we so love), I'm sure he will appreciate your newfound natural beauty and not just the European concept of beauty he's been accostumed to.

MonnieD said...

I have the same problem with my boyfriend. But It isnt the actual sight or thought that his girlfriend has natural hair it is the adjustment we had to make in our relationship. For example, when we get bored and decided to rent a movie, I cant just unwrap and go anymore. It takes a long time for me sometimes to get my hair "right" or we are both huge football fans so Sunday used to be wings and glued in front of the tv, now Sunday is the only day in my schedule for style day. Im not sure if you can get him to "love" your hair but maybe have "the talk" it might not be the natural hair itself it could be something else and he just links it to the natural hair. It could be anything, you had straight long hair for a while maybe hes concern "your changing too much and might replace him" who knows guys i swear,but any way If it is the natural hair. I would honestly just explain since you love the freedom, you cant love someone else whole heartedly if you dont love yourself first... Not saying you dont but you get the mind set im going with

honeybrown1976 said...

Divorce him. Then, you should see if he prefers loneliness and cold nights. : : )

RoseofSharron said...

Fortunatley, my bf loves my natural hair. I had not straightened my hair for 4 months and recently did and he said he prefers the curly styles. I wash and go in the summer and usually do curlformers in the winter, which he loves.

How the man in our life feels about our hair is really important to us as women, even it we claim we don't care what he thinks. Hair is a sign of beauty in our culture. Try experimenting with new styles instead of braid outs or wash and gos. There are TONS of natural styles out there. Also try other products. Different products yield different end results.

Im sure he will come around and like at least one of your natural styles! :)

april said...

I don't think that you can get your husband to love your natural hair. All you can do is what makes you happy. He may come around to love it, but on his own. I don't think any prodding can force that emotion from him. Stay confident and know that you're still beautiful and that this journey is for you and not him. Yes his opinion matters to you, but you have to be comfortable with yourself before he can be comfortable with your decision.

Shoot I did what I wanted with my clothing and my hair and I didn't mind my girlfriend one bit. I didn't like what she wore most of the time, but we still supported each other. Your husband needs to support you.

StaceyMarie said...

I suggest that you remind him of the vows he took (to love, honor, and obey, pledge his trough, or whatever y'all said) and then explain that you accept and love him as he is and he should do the same. Maybe show him some YouTube videos or websites featuring natural hairstyle galleries and see which ones he likes. You could offer to try some of the hairstyles he likes as a compromise. And be extra gracious when another man compliments your hair in front of him!

Anonymous said...

I have dealt with the same issue. When I first bc'd my hubby was in agreement with it but, then when he saw it he could barely look at me in the eye and was very quiet. He even admitted that he hates the small fro, he doesn't care if my hair is straight or not he just likes length aka long hair. Nowadays it's been 4 months since my big chop and my hair is growing like crazy and he's warming up to my fro. Mainly because I can do different styles now. He like my natural texture it's just the shorter my hair looks the more he hates it. But now he complements my hair and for the first time while i was making a video for you tube he told me afterwards how proud he is of me and that he wants me to keep going and sticking to being natural. Even tho he still doesn't like the fro lol. I was so schocked and yet validated by him and even relieved that it's not the texture it's only the length which is coming back very quckly. Look me up on youtube he's in one of my videos: ReignBeauty.....be bless and encouraged.

Anonymous said...

I think it's great that you have a husband who is willing to be honest with you. We all have our preferences, your husband included. Find out what styles he does like and try to include those into your routine, at least from time to time. It's not all about making him love it any more than you should complete change to fit his idea of beauty. Find the middle ground. There are so many beautiful ways we can wear our hair. My husband likes my hair back so he can see my whole face. That includes neat puffs, cornrows etc. I keep that in mind when I choose a new style. We want to look good to our spouses but we want to be ourselves also, you can have both.

Monika said...

At least he shares his honest opinion. Imho it makes the most sense to make your comfortable or to stay comfortable with your choice. A hint here and there cannot hurt but to give him a lecture won't be helpful. He don't have to like it. But he has to deeply respect your decision and re-think the marriage vows. What if you -god forbid- undergo a change of your outer appearance due to an illness? Will he still not be "into it"? Marriage is surely about being attractive for your man or your woman. But has he spend a thought that his statement about your hair might be a turn-off for you?
And...there are many men out there who adore a natural look. Perhaps you will get a compliment from one of them and let your hubby know.... ;-) ;-) sometimes a little admiration from someone else can do wonders....

Anonymous said...

It may just be a matter of opening his eyes to the beauty of what natural hair can be. I'd start leaving some magazines around with photos of beautiful naturals. Allow him to get "reprogrammed". I know when I went natural ten yrs ago, what natural hair looked like to me (vs a head of healthy relaxed hair) is very different than what it looks like to me now. It can't be that different for men- especially since they are very visual. I , inadvertenly changed my vantage point, by inundating my brain with many pics of naturals (while searching for products and styles). One day, I realized that I had inadvertently reprogrammed my brain to the point in which straight hair on a background of brown skin looked unsual ( not necessarily BAD, but as "different" as natural hair once looked). It's hard to explain, and I hope I'm not sounding weird, but basically, its kind of like immersion therapy. If that makes sense. Just dont make him THINK you're trying to "shrink" him or force him into liking your hair. People have a tendency to go in the opposite direction if they feel like they are being force-fed something. The power of subtle suggestion can be extremely eye-opening.
It's sweet that you are concerned enough to ask for help in finding a way to maintain your mate's attraction. Good luck!!
Just my 2 cents!! LOL

Anonymous said...

Yea i have the same issue. My husband doesn't hate it but, it's definitely not something he loves. There are soooooo many men who prefer straight hair.

Ms. Overproof said...

I feel you, you want him to love all of you but its ok if he is not a fan too. The fact that you two can speak openly and honestly about your hair, your love for it and his still getting used to it means that you are in a strong relationship that is not based on just asthetics. Maybe you can through him a bone now and then and straighten it, nice compromise and maybe if he sees the versatility of it he will come around, then again he may not, but you sound solid in your own identity and I think even if he doesnt like it YOUR acceptance of yourself will win him over.

Anonymous said...

I understand how disappointing it can be when your spouse may not like an aspect of your personal style. My husband did not like a shirt I wore on our first date but he was able to appreciate that we are different and love me for it. I am in an interracial relationship and while I would wear my hair naturally in buns and ponytails before we were married,it was not until this past summer that I finally wore my curly hair out in all its blaze and glory. That was of course at the urging of my white husband who told me that I looked more sexy that way. When he said that it made me realize that he could help me embrace a part of myself I was still growing into. Ultimately I believe that a part of marriage is not only accepting each other as we are before we say I do but accepting that same person as they grow. Be patient with your husband and ask the same of him with you, and remember that change is not easy but it happens with or without one another's persmission so it is best handled with grace.

LoveK said...

Just be patient. He will come around. Woman need to remember that there was a time when we didn't like the way our natural hair looked either, hence the years of straightening (or maybe that was just me:).

Once it starts growing like crazy he will be all over it. I guarantee!

Anonymous said...

Yep, i'm in the same situation. He doesn't love it but doesn't hate it either. It was tough in the beginning. I went from armpit length hair to 1 1/2 inches and i absolutely loved it. After growing out "fluffy" for 4 months i was able to get some comb coils and to my suprise my hubby gave me a compliment and said that he liked my hair. I grinned from ear to ear. There are still some days when he gives me the side eye but as it grows, he's loving it more. I told him that by the summer time that my hair will be super fly and that he needs to watch out! I absolutely love my natural hair!!!!

Anonymous said...

In my opinion he doesn't need to love your hair. It may not be his favorite but that doesn't mean he dislikes it. It's just not his preference. He's willing to see you through this change in your life and support you. To me that is what matters most. You should be quite happy that he was honest with you and the he is respectful of your decision to go natural.

With all these other stories of women having their men tell them their hair is ugly or threatening to leave if they don't change their hair. I feel you are actually quite lucky because your husband may eventualy start to slightly like or even love your hair.

There is nothing you can do to change his mind. He has to get used to you looking really like a new person. Give him time and he may come around.

Anonymous said...

I dont know which one i would rather have. My boyfriend loves my natural hair ever since i did my BC. Hes so curious about how it changes from curly to kinky to straight...
Its so funny cause hes such a manly man. Hes growing out his hair too. He even asked me to buy a silk cap to protect his head at night! Yesterday he asked about me putting twists in his hair for a twist out!
ps...he even deep conditions his hair now.

caracara said...

Just when I thought my husband was giving me the side-eye for big chopping, I saw that he had texted my pic to our friends in admiration. My hubby likes some of my natural styles and some he doesn't--but he liked some of my permed styles--and some he didn't. I talked about doing a second BC and he was all for that. Bottom line is, he came around--after I withheld the love and affection. lol-just kidding.

Anonymous said...

I agree with LoveK. You have to be patient. My husband didn't have much to say other than "I didn't marry you for you hair, I love you". That was good in all but I knew he didn't like it at first. I have been natural for 24 months and now he LOVES it. The longer it grows the more he is fascinated with my look. Sad to say but most men (not all) love women with long hair. So again be patient he will love it. Also, the more secure you are with your natural look the more he will adore you. Men LOVE a confident woman. Sport your fro with a new fashionable look, add some Stiletto's, WORK IT and you will have your husband's FULL attention! Trust me I know...been there.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if there is anyway to MAKE your husband love your hair. What I do know, is that as much as you want him to love your hair, you have to do what is right for you. I have always wanted my man to love my hair and the way I look. Ultimately, in the end, what matters most is how we feel about ourselves. Loving yourself and how you look is going to show through the way you carry yourself. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman who exudes confidence.

julia said...

Do you love everything about him?

Give him time. HE may never LOVE everything you do with your hair and that's ok.

I think that his being so open and honest about it is great. Also, it's not as if, throughout your marriage, everything about either of you will stay exactly the same as when you met but that doesn't have to take away from your relationship.

Continue to love and care for yourself and your hair.

Angela said...

I am surprised that he has that reaction to natural hair. I went natural mainly because I had such damaged hair and my husband was the one who suggested my BIG CHOP. He even helped me cut off all my hair and lined me up...LOL. Just keep the faith and keep educating him on why you are natural and hopefully he will come around. I will pray for you!

Anonymous said...

I'm looking for the same answer lol. I was combing my hair one night before I went out to dinner and my boyfriend was like: "So you're gonna go out like that? All nappy?" so asked him what he meant by nappy and he said "You know, with your hair all messed up..." I told him I thought it was cute (I always get compliments on my hair) and he just rolled his eyes and said "Ok, well you look really nice other than that".
Ugh how come some guys just don't see it the way we do?

Anonymous said...

I say be confident and stay strong. Continue doing you. Let him see how committed you are about wearing your hair in its natural state. Watch the movie "Good Hair" with him. After the movie, ask him how would he like it if you came home looking like that soda can after a relaxer?
On another note, just because WNGs and braid outs are not his favorites, do not mean that he does not like them. I do not expect my man to love everything that I love because I do not love everything my man loves. However, we support each other.

Anonymous said...

Let him know how much damage you've done to your hair and (maybe scalp if that was an issue too) to keep your hair in a way that he "prefers". Look...you (like all of us) probably went through a lot to keep that up! :)

Hopefully as you learn more styles and get used your natural hair yourself he'll come around. It also takes time to see something you don't necessarily prefer in a different way. We're all shifting in a way. Although I loved my natural curls...it still took me a while to not automatically identify straight hair with the following words: "done," "professional," "formal," "serious," "glamorous"...etc... even as I was sporting a natural myself.

Point being it may take him some time. Oh and I agree with DMB....let him run his fingers through...etc. Let him love the way it feels and smells...etc.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend said the same thing to me. He prefers straight hair over all but when I asked him which curly hair style he liked the best he said the looser curled versions. When I asked him why he prefers straight hair he said hes known me the longest with it. Its what he met me with and what hes grown to love me with and then I decide to transition and my hair is no longer straight. He said he likes it but he has a preference and thats it. I can't really do anything to change his mind, and I don't know if he will "come around" as some people mentioned. But hes dealing with it because I told him Im not relaxing anymore and thats it lol. As much as I would really like him to love it the way I do I know its not going to happen. But I love my hair and thats all that matters. Im the one wearing and styling it lol.

Anonymous said...

I HAVE BEEN TRULY BLESSED BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND IS ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH MY HAIR. HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO STRAIGHTEN IT AT ALL. HE TOLD ME THAT "MY HAIR IS WHAT INITIALLY ATTRACTED HIM TO ME. I JUST THANK GOD FOR HIM!!!

J. S. M. said...

If a person, especially your significant other, can not accept you for who you are, you should not feel obligated to waste your time when you could be happy and care free being you with someone else.

KayDanai said...

My boyfriend is thee same way - but he's told me that he likes my natural hair because it matches my personality. Every time I straighten my hair, he always compliments it BUT the sparse times when he compliments my natural hair styles (which he is starting to do more of, so maybe it's growing on him, or he just knows what to say) I appreciate it much more because to me it means that he can find the beauty in something he wouldn't normally. It doesn't bother me so much, because I know that he loves me for me and not just my physical appearance.

Melodee A said...

I really find it disheartening that black men are so stuck on straight long hair. When I first did my BC, my husband was not happy and was almost mean and it kind of hurt my feelings. I was so self conscious, that I bought and wore a wig for 2 weeks... then it got hot outside, and I was like damn this! So I started rocking my TWA and kept it moving...

My hair has grown a whole lot since then and it looks a lot different, however he doesn't give me as many compliments on my hair as he used to when it was permed....BUT I DON'T CARE! LOL...

He just wants it to be long again (so he says) but I don't fret over it. We've been married going on 16 years so he can just deal with it.... besides, if he wants me to wear my hair staight again, I'll just pull out the wig I bought! LOL

OrganicallyGrownCurls said...

Personally, you are going to have to do what feels right to you. I would continue to do what makes you happy and in time he may come around. One of the hardest things to accept about my hubby being my best friend is the fact that we are not always going to agree or see eye to eye, but we need to be respectful about it.
There may be things that your husband likes that you are not fond of and you have to accept that you are different people. In time he may learn to appreciate certain hairstyles you do and see how you glow from happiness, but the main person that has to love your hair is you. LLP~OGC

Elizabeth said...

I prefer straighter styles myself I just don't relax anymore..(bring on the firing squad)

I think this is only a problem if he distances himself with you publicly or embarrasses you publicly about your hair. The moment that happens its a problem. You cant change someones taste but they can learn to appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

Melodee A
Unfortunately, a lot of black men AND women have bought into the constant display of straight haired women being the standard of beauty. Sure, there are other races who help to promote this standard, but we seem to be the ones who have allowed it to infect our wellbeing to the degree that it has (emotional, physical and financial wellbeing). Just as it took time for this cancer to grow, it will take time for it to be expelled. I find it very interesting that most of the compliments and sincere curiosity about my natural hair (10 yrs) have come from nonblack people. White men have been showing me so much more love than black ones. When I had long, relaxed hair, brothers were trippin'! Now that I have long, natural hair, I'm not as attractive to them (as a group). Weird.
Hopefully, this woman's husband wont give her too much grief like others have had to deal with. He will just state his preference and be done with that and get on with the business of being a good hubby and friend.

Anonymous said...

When I got my first twists and walked through the door, my huz-band said: WHOA - that's different! After a couple of days, he said: "Baby, I like your hair; it's sexy". [Thank you Baby -- big fat kiss]. He's even sat and watched as I went through the whole grooming process -- and has stated that it's a lot of work, but that my hair looks so much better & healthier, and that he DOES NOT miss seeing my hair (when it was permed) all over the place: sink, tub, floor, here/there.

Bottom line, even though we all want encouragement from time to time, YOU have to be comfortable with YOU -- both inside & outside. What's the saying: if you don't feel good, then you don't look good. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves (that's Bible!)

Anonymous said...

If his problem is truly with the texture of natural hair, then there's nothing you can do. That's his issue, not yours. There's a lot of deprogramming that needs to take place in the black community.

However, it may not be that he doesn't like natural hair, it's probably a length issue. For some reason, men think natural hair is synonymous with short hair (so not true! lol) and that natural hair has limited styling options. My advice to you is to find styles that fit your face and personality, and rock the hell out of your hair. That's all you can do.

Most importantly, don't let his disapproval get to you, let your confidence shine through, no matter what. He'll warm up to it, eventually.

Good luck!

Lauren said...

My boyfriend initially hated my inch long TWA when I first BC'd but mostly because I didnt tell him before I did it (oops lol). But after about 2 weeks he told me that he loved that I went from BSL seemingly healthy relaxed hair to my TWA b/c he never thought I would be that bold. I knew he really loved it after about a month when he said he no longer got sad when he saw Motions Relaxer commercials.

Now he said he loves that I stand out and when I went to visit him this past weekend he had told all his friends and kept telling them about how I was going to blow it out for him the next day (when they clearly didnt care that much lol)

It took him a minute and he had to really force himself but when he last saw me in September and then again in November and he saw the huge growth he couldnt keep his hands out of it! Eventually they come around. . . most of the time

babyu21 said...

I don't get why he has to love your natural hair? He loves you, right? Why can't he have his preference? It seems that just because we have decided to do embark or this journey we all just assume that our mates will just LOVE it too? I like a man with a bald head, no explanation or society programming my thoughts, I just think its sexy, if my mate decided to grow his hair I would continue to love him, like the OP said her mate does, but I would still prefer the bald head.

It seems that the majority feel that our mates have to LOVVVE and support every little change and thing we do. Seems a little unrealistic. But that's just my opinion.

Anonymous said...

I just had this conversation/ argument with my boyfriend !! He said he is tolerant of my growing my hair out... but he met me with long strait hair and now that I'm transitioning it short and pooffy !!! I was so mad that he said that just when I was starting to get comfortable with my braid outs !!
I explained to him that curly hair is going to look short and that using heat on my hair everyday is not good for the health of my hair . I explain that my hair will grow !! But patience is not his strong point :( and so now I'm considering braiding my hair.. Please note the I have been transitioning for 16 month and still have 7 inches on relaxed hair at this point !! So although I don't want to braid my hair or spnd the money on fake hair.. I want peace !!! Any advice?

Bree said...

Please don't listen to the people telling you to leave your husband that is so drastic! First, you have to find out what he doesn't care for specifically? Is it the length, the texture of your hair, or the hairstyles you do specifically. It seem like your guy truly loves you but probably is still getting use to your hair and needs to come around on his own time especially since he known you and fell in love with the relax/straight hair you so you changing your hair is a change for him as well. People adjust and like things at their own pace and time, others will love it right away while others need time to get use to the idea. When I went natural it was an adjustment period for my mother but now she loves my hair. You can't force anybody to love/accept something, especially a preference just because you love it. Hate to break it to ya but life isn't black and white nor is love/relationships. Regardless, if we love someone we aren't going to like EVERYTHING about them or their appearance. Do you like everything about your husband? And the things you don't like does it make you love him any less despite them all? As long as he is not disrespecting you and your hair, belittling you, or distancing himself from you openly then give him some time. Just be confident, strong and get him involved and show him the sexy/cute side of being natural. When in doubt use the sexy on him too...lol

Anonymous said...

I'm amazed at how many women with natural hair wear straight wigs every once in a while. You might give your husband some excitement by changing it up for him and remember to work it. I think subconsciously we tend to walk around shamefaced with natural hair and people pick up on it. I've found that if I walk around as if I'm HOTT! then people respond differently. When I did the big chop everyone hated it because I had long straight hair but now that it has grown a lot of people tell me they wish they had the courage to go natural because of the versatility and thickness. I've come to the conclusion that people will have something to say either way. If I keep getting relaxers and my hair falls out and I'm bald-headed someone will talk about me then too. Also, if you make a drastic change to your look it helps to enhance something else. I started working my makeup game when I changed my hair to balance it out.

Anonymous said...

LEAVE HIM! ASK HIM WHY HE DOESNT LIKE IT. IS IT BECAUSE HE PREFERS THE WHITE LOOK? STRAIGHT HAIR IS A WHITE THING. OUR HAIR IS NOT NATURALLY STRAIGHT SO IF HE IS SAYING HE DOESNT LIKE IT THEN HE IS SAYING HE DOESNT LIKE THE "BLACK" LOOK!

Kelly said...

Just be patient. My husband felt the exact same way. He met me with long straight hair and 5 years later I chopped it all off. He hated it. I kept it short for a year and he would call me "dude". I didn't care. When I let it grow he was happier even though it wasn't straight (it's a length thing for them, it still is for even my boys who don't know me before natural). I've been natural for 12 years and have bc'd 4 times over that period. It took letting it grow back after the 2nd bc (and about 4 years into this natural journey) for him to truly appreciate my hair. He'll encourage me to wear my 'fro even when I'm not feeling it or am hooked on headbands. These days I hear him asking why women won't wear their hair natural. It's just as much a journey for them as it is us, so just be patient, be strong, and hang in there.

Anonymous said...

just saw you on you tube...you AND your hair are gorgeous. it's ok to want him to like it. it's only natural to want to look good for your man. but what we REALLY need is for our spouses to love us regardless of what our hair looks like. see, the thing is, men are visual and most often times without even realizing it, we cater to what they like to see ... and that's ok as long as we don't loose ourselves in the process. and to be honest with you, sometimes men really don't know WHAT they like until we show them something different. so when we go changing up on them, sometimes it just takes them a minute to adjust from what they think they like to see versus the whole versatile woman that we are. the only thing that I can suggest is have confidence [not arrogance or I'm gone do me attitude] but confidence... the more confident you become during your journey, the more attractive you will become to your husband. one thing that I wouldn't do is ask him what he thinks about how you look, esp if you have the type of husband that is going to tell you how he really feels .... be it good or otherwise. doing this gives a person [be it your husband, a girlfriend, a family member, or whomever] the power of "approval" of how you should feel about yourself. so just allow him the space to let you know what he thinks about your hair or how he feels about how you look. now i'm not saying that this is your situation but i once experienced dealing with someone that judged me because i didn't have "long, straight, flowing hair." but come to find out, i wasn't sneered upon because i wasn't the business (i'm natural). it was because he required validation from onlookers due to the insecurities that he had within himself. hmph! so just give it time, this is your husband we're talking about here. Things will be fine, and he'll come around.

Anonymous said...

Your hair is part of your appearance therefore, your hubby is saying he doesn't like the way you look. I would be offended if I were you.

I agree with the Ann posted at 6:45p - most of my natural hair compliments are from non-blacks. Others races are amazed at how curly my hair is ( I wear 2 strand twist). I am 1 of a handful of blacks (and I mean a handful) at my company and I wear my hair in 2 strand twist with confidence. I'm not sure I would be able to wear my hair in 2 strand twist if I were in a company that was mostly black.

I love my hair straight however, I like my hair in 2 strand twist but love the health of my natural hair.

Anonymous said...

KEEP ROCKING IT NATURAL. EACH DAY OWN IT NO MATTER WHAT THE STYLE IS. EXUDE CONFIDENCE,PRIDE AND TONS OF SEX APPEAL. EVENTUALLY HE WILL GROW TO LOVE IT AS MUCH AS YOU! MUCH LOVE***PEACE***AND BLISSFULLY HAPPY MARRIAGE!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow is all I can say!!! Well, my husband is white and I didn't tell him I was cutting my hair off. I just did it and he said ok. Now when I want to put a weave in for a protective style, he is like no I like your hair the way it is. Its not about my hair. It's me that he loves and my hair is just apart of that. Our men black or white should not use our hair to define our beauty.

EmberRose said...

Why does he have to love it? He respects the journey you're on. Why isn't that enough? Why does he have to LOVE it? He loves YOU. That should be enough.

Anonymous said...

Mine doesn't hate but he loves that I can switch with a braid, a weave or a wig.

Anonymous said...

i can't believe women are in here telling this girl to leave her husband because natural hair isnt his favorite...do yall even have a man?

Anonymous said...

@anon 11:01pm ... LOL ..OKAY! It is not that serious! This is her hubby we're talking about, not just some joe-blow-blue-blam! some women are viscous over nothing :( Hang in there chica. He married you so he loves you. Give it time and things will work out!

Anonymous said...

Appreciate your husbands honesty. You asked a question and he responded based on his opinion. I like to know my husband approves. But if he doesn't, it is still okay. Be confident in yourself and have some swag, he will notice but not let you know.

Anonymous said...

My husband is white and has been encouraging me to cut my hair. He would come home from work telling me that some blk woman cut their hair & they looked really good. I have never felt as free with my hair when I dated black men. If anything white men should be the ones to demand or be so in love with straight hair. My husband didn't grow up around black people and of course was not used to all the things we do to take care of our hair. I'm the first black woman he ever dated and even he can be supportive.
It just makes me sad that black women have to go through this with black partners. I do understand it takes some getting used to, but I find it ironic that whites can be more supportive when we wear our natural hair.

Kitty said...

I agree with the others here to be patient with him. It can be very hurtful to have our loved ones disapprove of our physical attributes. We experienced that ENOUGH as children getting relaxed and other negative comments. But never ever try to validate yourself through someone else! Only you can validate you and no one's opinion should change that. Love him and give him time.

I've been blessed with a man that has loved me through locs, relaxed hair, and back to natural again. He loves my natural hair so much and I can only pray that other women can be blessed with loving men.

Dnicky said...

My hubby was like that when I first went natural and I actually cut it off because he was tired of it. But once I started growing it out again and he saw important it was to me, he came around. Now he loves my hair and likes it big. I keep saying I want to het it straightened but he doesn't want me to. He now loves my natural hair.

Give him time. Let him know how much this means to you and he will come around.

Juceefroot said...

you guys are great.. and these comments are wonderful.. I'm gonna be twenty soon.. and i'm not married... nor do I have a significant other...

I do have a friend or two though... and THEY are one of the reasons why I blog. The guy that I'm into is actually a member of my blog and checks on my hair journey occasionally. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that... :) i also love when he brings up a topic that I've recently blogged about and tries to act like he knew it all along (like when he told me that Biotin can make your hair grow... whatever. lol)

You could say that I am not only reconditioning my idea of what beauty is as I transition... but I'm reconditioning those around me as well... My mom who was SOOOO opposed to the idea at first is even thinking of going natural.

I hope this helped

Juceefroot
http://juccefroot.onsugar.com

Anonymous said...

THE QUESTION YOU WOMEN NEED TO ASK YOURSELF IS DOES YOUR HUSBAND LIKE THE EUROPEAN LOOK MORE THAN THE BLACK LOOK? THATS WHAT IT IS ABOUT! WE DO NOT HAVE NATURALLY STRAIGHT HAIR. WE DO NOT HAVE NATURALLY STRAIGHT HAIR! WE DO NOT HAVE NATURALLY STRAIGHT HAIR! SO STOP ACTING LIKE ITS JUST A STYLE THING! OUR HAIR DOES NOT LAY STRAIGHT UNLESS WE BASICALLY ALTER IT! SO BLACK MEN DONT LIKE THIER NATURAL HAIR EITHER. THEY PREFER A MORE EUROPEAN LOOK! ITS IGNORANT!

Anonymous said...

11:25 ANONYMOUS- YOUR IGNORANT. WHITE MEN ARE NOT MORE SUPPORTIVE THAN BLACK MEN. YOU MADE A VERY IGNORANT COMMENT. HOW MANY BLACK MEN HAVE YOU DATED? I KNOW PLENTY OF BLACK MEN WHO LOVE NATURAL HAIR. YOUR WHITE MAN IS THE REASON THAT WE HAVE ISSUES TO BEGIN WITH BECAUSE HIS ANCESTORS DESTROYED OUR AFRICAN HISTORY AND SELF PRIDE. SO STOP ACTING LIKE DATING A WHITE MAN IS THE SOLUTION. MOST WHITE MEN ARE STILL RACIST AS EVER! I LOVE BEING BLACK SO I LOVE BLACK MEN AND I WOULD NEVER CHANGE THAT! YOU ARE JUST A SELL OUT AND I FEEL BAD FOR YOU! DONT YOU HAVE A BLACK FATHER?

Pink Girl Fluff said...

Dear 5:51am commenter,

Your post was not directed at me, I have not posted until now, but it did touch me in a way that made me feel so much pity for you.

Was it right for the person you directed your comment at to describe white men as superior to black men in regard to caring for black women's natural hair journey? No! But it was also very wrong for you to say that her husband is the cause for the ignorance in and out of our race.

A person cannot help what they are born as, nor should they have to take responsibility for the ignorance of the FEW! If you chose to do so than you would have to take responsibility for some of the crazy brown people in the world. I am quite sure you would not want to take responsibility for that.

Racism and ignorance has NEVER been defeated by more ignorance and racism.

Now back to the ORIGINAL topic.

He doesn't have to like how you style your hair. I want my hubby to cut all of his hair off because he's losing a noticeable amount. I think he would look sexy with a baldy but he does not want to do it. I still think he looks yum regardless. It's about his entire package. Inside and out. Just because a spouse loves you does not mean they have to dig everything about you. And he probably wouldn't want a woman that did EVERYTHING he wanted her to do. That would be quite boring.

That is all.

Wishing you love, peace, and blessings!

Anonymous said...

I hate to be a devils advocate here but you cant make someone "love" something just because you do. He respects the fact that you are natural and he is still with you so obviously its not a bad thing. But, if someone has a preference for something, getting upset because you don't feel that way about that preference (any longer)isn't going to change how another feels about it.

CessCurls said...

no I can't relate because my partner of 16+ Years doesn't love me for my hair. Ive been everything under the son since we've been together (relaxed,colored,darn near bald faded,weaved, and now im natural)And he is into me for me. I do get more positive responses about my hair (oh your hair looks nice today or that's different)now that I am natural. But that could be just because I do more with it now than i did when I was relaxed(ponytails 95% of the time) Like Dec. 17 9:07am said, "you cant make someone "love" something just because you do". As long as he respects your decision to remain natural, maybe meet him halfway and purchase a couple of straight hair wigs.

Kellistarr said...

The answer is that he'll have to endure it until he comes to love it. He'll love it when you begin to love it. Once you start truly loving your hair, it won't matter if he's just being tolerant of the new you. It's all about attitude and NOT convincing him of why you felt this was necessary to do. You wanted to be natural because it works for you and that will come out when you began to accept your own decision. It's not about making hubby feel good or happy. So, move on with your hair care, hairstyles, and don't worry about hubby's opinion of your hair anymore.

KayDanai said...

I came back just to read the rest of the comments and this by far is the best one

December 16, 2010 10:22 PM
Anonymous said...
i can't believe women are in here telling this girl to leave her husband because natural hair isnt his favorite...do yall even have a man?


Because I seriously can't understand y so many of y'all are saying to leave or divorce her husband. Is that the only option, he either has to love your hair or else the relationship is over?It must be a lot of lonely bitter women out there.

But I re-read the post and I have an answer - idk if he'll ever love your natural hair if his mind is set to like straight hair styles, but I think he will grow to accept it as a part of who you are.

Anonymous said...

Be beautiful: inside and out and look for the beauty in him. That is all that matters. The hair will take care of itself. Beauty=an attitude. Not a look.

DevilsAdvocate13 said...

Pink Gilr Fluff Amen.

The Anon commenter @ 5:51am should realize that who you love isn't selling out and that she wasn't right off all black men rather that is surprising a few act in away that not expected. I think that Anon should be in less in a rush to hang someone more concerned about what they trying to say. Acting self-righteous doesn't mean you are actually righteous, combined with such negative comments and shouting (Typing in all CAPS) that means Anon you quite the opposite.

Anonymous said...

PEOPLE USE THE WORD "PREFERENCE" TO MAKE IT SEEM OK. PREFERENCE IS IGNORANCE. ITS LIKE SAYING I PREFER LIGHT SKIN MEN OVER DARK! THAT IS PREFERENCE AND IS IGNORANT! WAKE UP BLACK PEOPLE!

Anonymous said...

BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE NATURALLY STRAIGHT HAIR AT ALL! NONE OF THEM! SO IF A MAN PREFERS STRAIGHT HAIR THEN HE PREFERS A EUROPEAN LOOK! LETS JUST BE REAL!

Anonymous said...

All you single bitter black women are very silly. We are supposed to be uplifting each other and encouraging each other and all I have read is women advising the young lady to leave her husband and that dating outside of the race is a sin. I commented about my husband who is white loving my hair regardless of its natural state, relaxed or in a weave. My daddy is black and loves my husband as his own son. To the lady in all caps, you should pray that God blesses you with someone just as we have all been blessed whether he is black or not. How you have been approaching this topic makes you seem ignorant and silly. Love has no color an just because we are all natural women does not make us pro-black or have lifelong memberships with the NAACP. Being natural is just that, natural and it has NOTHING to do with color. If you think that only black people can marry black people then you are just as closed minded as the rest of the world.

Anonymous said...

TO ANONYMOUS DEC 17TH 7:46PM- YOU ARE IGNORANT AND YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WHITE MAN SO YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE IS DIFFERENT. GOD HAS ALREADY BLESSED ME WITH A BLACK MAN WHO LOVES MY NATURAL HAIR. HE ALSO LOVES HIS BLACK MOTHER AND FATHER AND HE DOESNT BELIEVE IN MIXING. I AGREE WITH HIM. YOU DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT THAT A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE STILL VERY RACIST AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE RUINING OUR BEAUTIFUL BLACK RACE. BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD NEVER WANT TO RUIN THAT. SO I AM NOT A SINGLE BITTER BLACK WOMAN, I AM A BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT BLACK WOMEN WHO HAS A BLACK MAN! YOU ARE JUST A MUT WHO CREATES MIXED CONFUSION IN THE WORLD

Anonymous said...

People on here act like white people didnt ruin other races. They did! Be real about it! Whites are the most racist race in the world. Dont be a fool and believe otherwise

Anonymous said...

Well has your black man married you yet? How many children do you have for him or how long have ya'll been shacking up? I am a beautiful black woman and don't need a black man or any type of man to validate that for me. You calling me a mutt is to make yourself feel happy about being who you are. I am not offended by your IGNORANT actions or words. Thankfully I will still stand by my opinions of black women like you who cannot be happy for anyone who is not black. Obviously you are racist and it is not just white people but all people oppressing others. I love my husband and my family and when you get some happiness and love for all people then maybe you can see the world differently. You are bitter and just because you are pro-black doesn't mean anything to me. I love my people as well and just because I married a white man doesn't mean that I am less than you who is with a black man. Learn to love before you bash. And you will continue to be close minded as you have displayed on this site. And there are some black people who are racist to other black people as you have pointed out so I guess we can blame the white man for that. Stupid women!! And PS... your son will marry a white woman....kick those rocks

Anonymous said...

IF YOU READ HISTORY, YOU WILL SEE THAT THE WHITE RACE HAS CREATED MORE HATE AND OPPRESSION THAN ANY OTHER RACE. THEY MESSED UP BLACKS,LATINO'S, JEWS, MIDDLE EASTERNER'S AND ASIANS. BE REAL, BE REAL, AND READ YOUR HISTORY. IT IS NOT BAD TO ADMIT THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT THE WHITE RACE HAS DONE.

Anonymous said...

MY BLACK MAN HAS NOT MARRIED ME YET BECAUSE I AM IN COLLEGE AND I AM ONLY 20 YEARS OLD, YOU IDIOT. YOUR KIDS WILL GROW UP TO MARRY BLACKS SO KICK ROCKS! YOU ARE CLOSED MINDED AND YOU JUST LOVE THE WHITE RACE BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED TO ONE. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR BLACK RACE? YOU ARE IGNORANT AND YOU KNOW THAT WHITES ARE THE RACE THAT HAS OPPRESSED MORE PEOPLE THAN ANY OTHER RACE.

Anonymous said...

ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT BLACK MEN DONT MARRY BLACK WOMEN? WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT IGNORANT COMMENT. EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS BLACK AND I HAVE A BLACK FATHER. SO BLACK MEN MARRY BLACK WOMEN ALL THE TIME. THAT IS IGNORANT ON YOUR PART. GROW UP LADY AND READ YOUR HISTORY. DONT COME TO A BLACK WEBSITE IF YOUR MARRIED TO A WHITE MAN!

Anonymous said...

Oh Im arguing with an ignorant child. My children will marry whoever makes them happy. I am done talking with you because you have yet to experience any type of life other than what you read in your textbooks. I have too many degrees to be dealing with an ignorant child such as yourself.

Anonymous said...

Please take a look at this video on the subject:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMvNM1sSzGU&feature=related

Anonymous said...

YES AND I AM NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH AN IGNORANT ADULT WOMAN WHO DOESNT LIKE BLACK MEN. MOST BLACK MEN THAT I KNOW LOVE NATURAL HAIR AND BLACK WOMEN. SHOW A YOUTUBE VIDEO ABOUT HOW RACIST WHITE MEN ARE. THERE ARE A LOT OF YOUTUBE VIDEOS WITH WHITE MEN TALKING BAD ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE. SO DONT ACT LIKE IT DOESNT EXIST. YOUR YOUTUBE VIDEO PROVED NOTHING, EXCEPT THE FACT THAT YOUR IGNORANT AND YOU HATE BLACK MEN. PROBABLY CAUSE THEY DONT WANT YOU!

Anonymous said...

IF YOU READ ANY TYPE OF TEXTBOOK YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT I AM TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT WHITES. EVEN WHITE PEOPLE CAN ADMIT WHAT THEIR RACE HAS DONE TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY BLACKS. OPEN YOUR MIND DUMMY, AT STOP HATING ON BLACK PEOPLE!

Roscheeta said...

You have to give it time. Just like you transitioned in your mind he has to do the same.

b. said...

@ the Anonymous woman who is getting yelled at by the other Anonymous woman about her interracial marriage:

Please know that the yelling Anon is just one person on here. The majority of us know better and I hope her ignorance doesn't get your pressure up.

Yeah, yelling Anon...you have a lot of life left to live and right now you are being ignorant. I hope you grow up someday and at least learn how to speak respectfully to others even if you maintain hateful views.

As for the main point:

I actually read the comments here and although some ppl say the OP should leave her husband I'm glad to see the majority on here agree to just give the hubby time to adjust. Use this time of adjustment to grow stronger in your confidence and love your husband like you want to be loved. He'll probably come around.

Anonymous said...

The other girl's view was ignorant. She said she has a WHITE husband and basically said that black men are no good. So talk to her!

Anonymous said...

All of you are retarded.

WE (Men) like what we like; period. So either be happy that we choose to "endure" and not go else where. Or simply stop asking questions you already know the answer to.

^^ I'm not saying this to be mean I'm just being 100.

missna4u said...

wow, smh! anyways......my kids father hasn't seen me in 2 and a half years and he told me that he was gonna take me to the salon so that they can perm my hair and get it back to the way he likes it.....straight, long, and flowing. UMMMMMM, no thank. next!

Gayle said...

Honestly, my dad was like that when I first loc'd my hair. He's a senior citizen from the south, so this was a stretch. Every few months, I'd ask him how he felt and give him a new SHORT talk on my hair changes. It took about a year or so, but one day I asked him how he felt about it, and he liked it. I have no idea what moment he crossed over from "I love you but I don't like it" to "it looks good," but what he needed was time. (hopefully the short talks helped too :))

Godsy Girl(TM) said...

I can so relate! Plus I'm married to a pastor of a large church. I can see the distaste in some people's eyes when I sport my fro. Initially, husband was taken back as well. The bottom line: folks just have to take (accept) me as I come.

Hubby is coming around. Took a minute, but he is.

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT IT? IT IS NOT OK FOR BLACK PEOPLE TO NOT LIKE NATURAL BLACK HAIR. YOUR HUSBANDS ARE IGNORANT!

Anonymous said...

I just started wearing my natural hair after 1 1/2 years of wearing my "girlfiends" (wigs). My husband feels the exact same way. He is used to seeing me wearing my hair short and straight.

Anonymous said...

My husband did not embrace my natural hair and I have to admit I was saddened. I do respect his honesty though. I've recently had it flat ironed and wore it for about a month. But the longer I wore it, the more I felt unhappy. It just was not me. I see nothing wrong with having it flat ironed at times, but to wear it all the time just won't work. I feel such freedom with my natural hair. It's helped me to get in touch with a part of me that was buried because I allowed society and other's personal opinions to define me. I can't say it enough, I love my fine/coily/dense 4 a/b natural hair.

Anonymous said...

I had this issue to extreme my boyfriend and I actually broke up he hated my short hair after I big chopped that bad. NOt thefact its natural. Which he also like straight. We met with my big curly puff so ....maybe I know he loves long hair I mean mid back I think it steams from his Mom who is white, he's mixed so her hair is literally to her a** and his sisters have very long hair except the oldest she cut hers and he had a fit. HE thinks it makes a women a women to have longer hair. We're back together moved in and happy he's more accepting now that he sees it growing and he wears his curly locks as well

Anonymous said...

Well, whatever happened to for "better or worse"?
As a couple, you each go thru various changes over the years, physical & mental. Variety is the spice of life many say. How do you handle other differences in your relationship? Didn't you accept each other for who you are and not how you look? Just something to think about

NoOtherMe said...

When my boyfriend met me, I was a nappy head. I think I take that for granted and never ask how he feels about it.

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