What Would You Do?!- Question of the Day


curlyq145 writes;

So your friend is getting married and you couldn't be happier for her! She has decided who she wants to be in the wedding and you're one of the bridesmaids! Yay!! There's just one problem, she wants all her girls hair to be worn in a certain style for her wedding...i.e. no natural hairstyle whatsoever! So do you give in and straighten your hair for the wedding or not?

100 Weigh in!:
Claudette said...

I'd probably wear a wig or get some braids. I'm sure we can compromise. Perhaps she would accept a slicked back natural hairdo.

Anonymous said...

If you straighten your hair from time to time, then sure...but if you have a strict no heat rule, I'd say no way. I wouldn't compromise my values or hair for one day. It just depends how strongly you personally feel about no heat. If you don't want to do it, offer to support your friend in another way for her big day. Good luck!

karibbee said...

I'd wear a straight wig. I was transitioning during my brother's wedding and opted to do this rather than straighten to 'fix' my two textures. The wig looked great and I preserved my natural hair.

Ms. Harmony said...

Why not?! That's the beauty of natural hair...it's versatile.

G said...

Natural hair is versatile. Do you have to straighten your hair for this particular hair style?

Tara Shenéa said...

Sure! It's my girl's big day and a very special occasion. Anything to contribute to her happiness on HER day. I'd do it, it's just hair - very versatile hair at that.

Nisus said...

I had the exact scenario come up and I wore a phony pony and styled that instead of my own hair. The day of the wedding I saw that one of the other two natural bridesmaids had done the same, and another got her longer natural hair twisted into a semblance of the style that looked nice. I didn't hear the bride complain!

crissyq said...

Sure why not, like Ms Harmony said thats the beauty of natural hair.

Akilah said...

I'm going through this same thing as we speak!! I am in a wedding on the 26th. She is a little more compromising, and said that we can do a bun. So thankfully I don't have to straighten if I don't want to. But I would opt for braids or a wig if you are really adamant about not straightening your hair. Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

Keep in mind it is just one day and this is about the bride not you! The bride has plenty of things to worry about than comprimising with her friend about her hair.I would say just go with the flow!

Tee said...

No! If she couldn't understand that it isn't what's best for me and would insist on me wearing a style that would likely damage my hair, I would decline the invitation to be in the wedding and attend as a guest instead. There is no point in doing something that might cause me pain and suffering to please someone else. It's her day, but my hair. If something goes wrong and I end up with damage I would likely resent her. Why ruin a friendship?

Anonymous said...

It's her wedding, and I would understand that it's not about me. I would consult my own hairdresser or straighten myself. If you don't want to straighten, there's such a thing as buying hair. I would not insult my friend by turning down the honor of being in her wedding for my own vanity. This is the once in a lifetime wedding of my friend!

Brittany said...

Some women take their hair waaaaay to seriously. Its just hair, so I would do it. Its the bride's big day, so why not. Just use a good heat protector and it'll be fine. One day of flat ironing is not going to "compromise" the health of your hair

Anonymous said...

This was my solution for my cousin's wedding: Just straighten a small portion of the front of the hair and put a half wig on and most of the hair will be protected.

KC said...

I think bridezilla is getting a little too specific about minor details. That said, I would think about ways I can execute the style while protecting my hair (i.e. wig, roller set, etc).

Or you could just get her a really nice gift and then maybe she won't care what your hair looks like.

I'm just kidding. My final answer is: if it can be done, I would find a way to do it (short of relaxing my hair). Happy mediums are fun. If it can't be done, I would seek another alternative. :)

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Anonymous said...

Since it would be a one day one time thing I would gladly accommodate my friend - I would straighten my hair if possible, or do a roller set that is pinned up w/curls falling around the face or I'd get a wig!

Anonymous said...

Well, plenty of people request updos vs. everyone wearing their hair loose, requiring that everyone use her makeup artist, so this is just another version of it. You're already likely being told what dress to wear (although some people just pick a color).
It's not that big a deal, and it's funny how people who wore relaxers for years act like a pressing comb can't touch their hair or it's this big thing.

Atiya_BK_Chick said...

Wear a wig if she's insistent on a straight style and you don't want to straighten your hair.

Anonymous said...

Take natural hair out of this - prior to being natural, I have several of my friends reques that you hair be an updo etc. I don't think that has anything to do with being natural...it it her day, if she wants yout wear an ugly green dress - less it causing harm to you - do it

Anonymous said...

I am a "senior citizen" natural and cannot imagine any of my friends making such a request as I believe most of my friends have "matured" beyond the stage where participants need to be a size 8 or smaller, have straight hair, etc. I would not accept that my hair is not good enough to be seen at her wedding, and I would not straighten my hair for anyone. If a natural bun, updo or ponytail style wouldn't work, I'd be on the sidelines. And what about someone who has a short or TWA--does she have to hide her hair under a wig??? I can't stand wigs on my head and would be miserable all day. It's her day, but if she rejects my hair, she rejects me; so she's not my girl.

Anonymous said...

I say do whatever YOU want to do girl! you don't have to straighten if you don't want to or feel you can. tell your girl don't take it personal. p.s. the wig is a great option but yes its a likely situation that putting heat on might damage your hair if not done right or everyone's hair is different so it may be fine on someone else's once in a while but not do so good on yours. its really a personal decision after going through doing all u did to get there forget what anybody says its all up to you. oh yeah, congrats to the bride!

Taneica said...

Good friends, REALLY good friends know when to push themselves out of the picture and make their friends a priority. With that said, compromise and wear a wig if you don't want to press your hair or press it and get it styled in WHATEVER style the bride requests. As long as she's not asking you to permanently alter your hair,comply. Being a bride is stressful enough as it is without worrying about your friends and their morals about hair. lol

Anonymous said...

I would probably flat iron my hair for a close family member's wedding or another option a wig is probably fine to wear (I would ask for the bride to purchase it though seeing that she is the one who wants me to wear a straight look). If she says know possibly I could be involved another way in the wedding?

Anonymous said...

I will be a bridesmaid in a few months and so far she has no special hairstyle requests...I hope that doesn't change :)

http://iluvmyselftherefore.com/

sewdope said...

I would. It's just one day and I occassionally press my hair anyway. However, I'm blessed to have friends that would never ask me to do such a thing. I was asked to be in two weddings and both brides didn't care how I wore my hair and encouraged me to wear it natural.

Anonymous said...

This topic is interesting to me. I have been married for going on 12 years. And when I got married all of my bridesmaids had very different hair lengths and textures. I didn't feel the need to make them look uniformed. I knew them all very well (since they were all family and one close friend) and I was very much aware of what was a typical hairstyle for each of them. I knew that my wedding day was MY day, however, I had no problem with my girls individual hair do's. I mean let's be realistic...there should be a limit to how much uniformity you expect when it comes to your bridesmaids. You can't expect them all to wear the same exact shade of make-up if they all have different skin tones...so why should their hair be identical. Hopefully, the bride and the bestie can figure out a compromise. Best of Luck!

MommieDearest said...

I know a woman who requested that her bridesmaids not have braids because she wanted the pictures to turn out a certain way. I saw the pics, and I was expecting to see all the women with the same hairdo. But everybody had different hairstyles, but no braids, and the pics were just,, meh,, OK. IMO someone with braids styled nicely would have been fine.

Anyway, while I believe the wedding is all about the bride and what she wants, her controlling every little detail is a bit much. I don't see why she can't request styles that would work for natural and relaxed hair, such as buns and updo's.

Unless she wanted everyone with stick-straight hair down their back, I would find a way to achieve the style she wanted without straightening my hair.

mangomadness said...

No! No friend of mine would never ask me to do such a thing. I would never straigten my hair to appease someone else. I would not mind wearing an updo or a bun though.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't, but that's just because I hate straightening my hair. Besides, some brides get wayyy too controlling about the wedding ceremony! It's just a few hours. It's more important to focus on the details of the marriage.

bkKinksnCurls said...

Uh...my initial reaction is "Nuh-uh", but I'm not unreasonable. She would have to do a REALLY good job of explaining to me how matching straight styles are a) more aesthetically pleasing than natural ones, and b) how sed straight styles are adding anything to her already beautiful day (which should really be about love and people who are excepting each other as they are!). If she's a really good friend, I would offer a compromise: she can help me pick out a wig that works for both us. If that still doesn't satisfy her, I would respectfully decline the offer and attend as a guest and seriously meditate on our friendship. I would never ask her to eat meat if she were a vegetarian, and I feel just as strongly about putting that amount heat on my hair. It may be "just hair", but it's MY hair, so it's MY rules lol.

curlsoncampus said...

I don't see the big deal.. why not.. natural hair to me is relaxer free.. that doesn't mean its any less natural when its straightened! go with the flow

Veronica said...

i'd get a wig and call it a day!

Miss Tre said...

I can't see doing it. And I straighten my hair from time to time. It just seems insane to say "NO NATURAL HAIR". But I doubt I would even be friends with someone who felt that strongly against someone else wearing their hair in its natural state.

Anonymous said...

I would first ask what kind of style she wants and see if it can be achieved without using heat. Styles like buns and other updo's can look just as nice or even better when the hair is more textured. If she wanted the hair bone straight and flowing I would either get a weave or wig and thank her for forcing me to wear a protective style since I have a hard time doing it on my own. lol :)

Anonymous said...

I was just thinking about this yesterday because I might be in a wedding line-up soon. I think straightening is fine so long as excess heat is not used. I also think that if you are not comfortable with the chosen hairstyle, it's better to opt out early instead of trying to force your opinion on someone else on their wedding day! Updos are also an excellent way to go, they are regal especially for formal occasions. However, if I were a bride, I think I'd allow some variety with the bridesmaids hairstyles. Each person is unique and so will be flattered by a different style. If there was something in particular I don't like I'd say it in advance. I think having the same dress and shoes is already a unifying factor.

Anonymous said...

I'd wear a straight style but I wouldn't be told HOW to straighten it or that I had to use a certain stylist. I'd also consider using a wig as others suggested.

Anonymous said...

Ditto on trenell's comment. it's quite offense to say you can't wear your natural hair--IMO. I was a maid of honor at a friends wedding and she wanted all updos which was very doable for me, but other girls opted for weaves. If she's adamant and being in the wedding means that much to you get a weave or wig.

Anonymous said...

I am in a wedding in June and told us bridemaids to wear low buns. As of right now, I do not plan on straighten it. And I personally, don't think she would have told be to get it straightened. So either its a wig or hopeefully by then my hair will slick back into a ponytail cause best believe I will be strapping on a bun back there.

There is always a compromise. No one can really DEMAND that you do something that you are not comfortable doing..well at least I don't think so lol. Haven't run into a bridezilla yet *crosses finger*

Afro Adie said...

It really depends. If I wore my hair straightened out from time to time, then I wouldn't have a problem doing it for my friend. I guess I look at this way, I'm natural 100%. When my hubs & I have our renew the vow ceremony, I'm not going to ask all my non-natural friends to go natural or wear their hair in a curly/kinky style just for my wedding. I feel as long as someone's hair is neat, it should be ok.

Anonymous said...

I don't do Bridezilla weddings. Take me for who I am, including hair and all. If you want the straight look for all your bridal party, then by all means only ask those who normally wear their hair straight. Believe me I will not be offended and will be happy to support the bride in another area as she so chooses.

Anonymous said...

I mean what if I had locs?

Annie L. said...

@Brittany - Not true. I'm someone who had to BC 2x due to hair health being compromised by heat straightening. I worked with pros, used heat protectants, tourmaline, etc. Reality is heat can permanently straighten hair even if only used 1x. Each instance, each head is different. So the question isn't only principle vs. request but request vs. hair health. To that end, I'd wear a great wig :)

Anonymous said...

My friendships are bigger and more important to me than hair. I dont think any of my friends would be so strict and demanding re: wedding hairstyling.

I would be willing to do a rollerset or bun (loose after stretching or sleek) IF my friend wanted a certain look. I think that should cover a wide enough range for anyone to select from.

Is wedding hairstyling THAT serious for some people? Lol

Anonymous said...

A true friend wouldn't ask you to do something to yourself that she knows you don't feel comfortable doing...
i.e.
wearing a bridesmaid dress that doesn't flatter your body, eating meat when she's know you're vegan, altering your hair texture when she knows it goes against the person you are.

I understand that some brides desire to have a certain uniform look in their wedding for aesthetic purposes but there are many ways to achieve that without asking someone to compromise their values or sense of self. And if the bride feels that strongly about the way someone wears their hair (straightened or kinky), or about a bridesmaid weighing too much or too little to fit the bridesmaid's dress then the bride should reconsider who she is asking to be a bridesmaid.

mangomadness said...

@Anonymous March 15, 2011 1:58 PM: I could do a roller set...good option.

Anonymous said...

If you're scared of heat damage, do a roller set with a leave-in and a bit of setting lotion. Set the dryer on extra low. It will take some time to dry, but it's a healthier option that will give you sleek results.

~CurlyBlasian

Black Girl said...

If you are going for a certain look for your weeding there's nothing wrong with asking them to compromise. For my wedding I wanted a certain look. I was natural and I pressed my hair for drop curls. Three of my friends were natural and one of them did flat twists with a half wig in the back and the other two did slicked backed buns. They looked great. They didn't have to press their hair but it was the look I wanted them to have. I really appreciated that they listened to me. I would do the same for my friends. :)

luvmylocs said...

we're all different in terms of our bodies, hair and skin tone. it seems crazy that we have to look like replicas of other bridesmaids to be in a wedding. i do not straighten my hair, i haven't in almost 12 years since going natural, yes 12 years, so i would respectfully decline participating as a bridesmaid but would tell the bride i will happily attend her wedding as a guest. i'd get a nice gift and there would be no hard feelings on my side.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't hesistate to straighten. It's sily of me to contemplate it, it's just hair.

Anonymous said...

If straightening your hair isn't an issue for you, I say go for it. If it isn't then talking with the bride about other options and coming to a mutual agreeement about how to wear your hair is the best thing to do.

Anonymous said...

Yes it is just hair. But it is my hair. I wont let someone (friend or not) dictate how I should wear my hair. And, since it is her day..I would not have a problem sitting in the audience instead of being in the wedding party.

Anonymous said...

i agree with "senior citizen" natural. i am currently locing my hair and it would be absolutely absurd for my "good friend" to ask me to do something that could possibly be irreversible for my hair for her one special day. i would be willing to pin it into a pretty updo, but altering texture is not going to happen. again, i am probably somewhat older than the poster, so things like everybody's hurr being a certain way and everybody being a certain size are really insignificant. i was 23 when i got married and i felt then as i do now about wedding hair/fashion. if the poster really wants to change it up for a day, then go for it, but if no, offer to act in another capacity and if that is not good enough, oh well . . .

Anonymous said...

Of course. It's just one day. No big deal. Flat iron it or wear a wig.

Breanna said...

I would just buy an human hair wig, and just be done with it. That hair can be styled straight and not have to interfer with your own hair. I would think that the bride should take into the account that the straightening process might actually damage the natural hair. Even though it's supposedly about the bride on that day, still she has to listen to what the bridemaid feels is comfortable for her. If this is something that the bridesmaid is not to comfortable in doing this just tell the bride that you can't be in the party. But would still like to attend but not as a bridesmaid.

Lissie said...

Here's the thing. I've been natural for 6 yrs and have never straigthen my hair. It's not because I'm anti heat at all! It's just that I spent 13 yrs with straight hair and have no desire to wear it straight! I've tried wearing a half wig before and I hated it, lol! Again, I have nothing against straight hair, it's just that I've worn my hair natural since I was 18 (I'm now 25). When I wore my half wig, all it did was get in my face and stick to my lip gloss, lol. Don't see myself wearing a wig again.

Moreover, I do plan on straightening my hair, but when I do it, I'm planning on doing it on my OWN terms, not someone else's (bride or not)! I'm standing in my cousin's wedding next year, and I dare girlfriend to request me to straighten my hair (I know she won't bc she's natural also, lol)! Some of the comments keep saying hair is just hair, but I call BS on that, lol! What about us pro-choice sistahs,lol?!? I beleive every woman has the right to wear her hair however she wants. As if buying the dress (mine is $200), shoes, plane ticket, hotel reservation, bridal shower gift, bachelorette goodies, isn't enough and now I should be told to straighten my hair??? I don't even own a straightener, so that means I either have to buy one or get my hair professionally done.

Ok, lemme stop venting,LOL! Naw, my only complaint is that I'm sick and tired of these foolish bridezillas making some of the most ridiculous requests! This has nothing to do with hair, for me. A close friend of mine backed out of a wedding in which the bride was forcing her bridesmaid to change into THREE outfits (all for which they had to pay for). I would have probably backed out myself. Some says it's the bride day...I call bull on that, because I've participated in wedding where the brides were very easy-going and compromising. I see this as a bridezilla's request and say hell nah, lol! I went natural back in '04, natural hair is all my close friends know of me anyway. I don't see them making such a suggestion, lol.

*disclaimer* Please don't take my response personal. This was all tongue-in-cheek <3

Anonymous said...

I would straighten for my friend's wedding as long as she is paying for it.

I am liking Lissie response up there.

What's up with a friend requesting that anyway?

I must be out of the "hip" loop.

Tamar-Charmaine said...

Honestly its her wedding day..most likely since she was a little girl she invisoned it and how all her bridesmaids would look...She has a lot of stress going on for that day..its very rare that a wedding invitation ask what are your allergies...so if you're allergic to chocolate and the cake is chocolate the world dosen't stop because its not your day its theres...so its the same thing with your hairstyle

LaNeshe said...

I might opt for getting braids and that way they can be styled however she wants. Or if your natural hair is long enough, just doing the same style with your own hair.

Franki said...

Um, hell yes. It ain't my wedding. If you don't want to straighten your hair, buy a wig. You knew this was the deal when you agreed to be a bridesmaid, and the wedding's not about you, anyway.

Anonymous said...

It honestly wouldn't bother me. If we're close enough for her to want me as a bridesmaid, then yes I can straighten my hair for one day (or buy a wig or do a roller set) for her. I mean if it were some chick I've known for a few months the answer would be different -- but the girls I've known for years & have been through things with...sure. Its a day that's not about me and I get that.

To be fair, I occasionally straighten my hair anyway; its one of the reasons I love my natural hair: It can be big & curly when I want it to (which is most of the time), but also straight when I want it to.

Anonymous said...

Funny as for my sisters wedding my eldest sis had just done the big chop so and the bridemaid style was an updo so she ended up doing canerow with braids.I guess its important to be flexible both bride and bridesmaid.If anything a wig is the answer.

westNDNbeauty said...

"Brittany said...

Some women take their hair waaaaay to seriously. Its just hair, so I would do it. Its the bride's big day, so why not. Just use a good heat protector and it'll be fine. One day of flat ironing is not going to "compromise" the health of your hair"


False sense of security. Heat Protectant does not prevent heat damage. You can bathe in heat protectant and still end up with straight ends.

Also, flat ironing is much like sex and pregnancy...it only takes the first time for the "damage" to be done.

www.ConfessionsofaBlogVixen.com

Anonymous said...

Well one if she is your friend and knows you hair journey she might not care how you get the style. There are many ways to achieve a style. When i got married I did want my brides maids to wear their hair a certain way but i gave the the choice on how to do it. One of my best friend had just got her hair twisted and it was alot of hair and she couldn't get it up like she or I wanted. I didn't sweat it she was there and that was more important to me than her hair.

Anonymous said...

LMBO... I was in my friends wedding last year... When she asked me, I was relaxed with long hair. By the time the wedding came around, I was natural with a half inch of hair. We were all natural in her wedding anyway.


Anyhooo..... in response to the orginal question I would have to tell her that I would only be in her wedding if I didn't have to straighten my hair. It isn't that I have a problem with straight hair, its that I have a problem with people telling me that I can't keep my kinky hair. This is true for a friends's wedding, corporate America, church, family get together, WHATEVER.

If I straighten my hair on my own, its one thing and I've blown dried my hair before. But to tell me I MUST straighten my hair, or wear a wig, or get a weave? Um.. no.

A friend of mine wouldn't request such a thing, especially knowing how I feel about it in the first place...

If it is a particular style that she would like, you could probably achieve the look with kinky hair without straightening it...

Anonymous said...

It depends on the way the bridezilla asked. But if she literally said, "Straight hairstyles only, no natural styles allowed" I would say no.

Anonymous said...

It depends on the way the bridezilla asked. But if she laid down the Jim Crow law of hair and literally said, "Straight hairstyles only, no natural styles allowed" I would have to say no.

momo7 said...

I think the inquiry should be rephrased b/c if she said no natural style whatsoever then, that means, that all of the bmaids would have to get a perm/chemical relaxer, omitting the option of flat ironing (which I wouldn't do anyway) or stretching the hair. Anyway, if she wanted all to get creamy crack (or any straight look, that I wouldn't agree to, even with a wig) I could care less if it is her wedding, if she is a true friend then, she would accept my natural hair. In the scenario, she made the request, not vice versa.

Anonymous said...

I was just a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. I opted for a curly wavy sew-in. I loved it as a protective style, and my friend loved it as well!

Anonymous said...

I don't think I have any odd friends like that and if I did I think I would re-evaluate the friendship. I mean I don't have a huge problem with it (I don't mind straightening me hair) but if I was being singled out because of my hair...I would be like no friggin' way.

Unknown said...

I personally went thru this same scenario!! lol! Back in 2002 ( I'm that old:)) . I got a curly weave sew in that was put into an updo. She liked it alot. But she didnt want my Afro in her wedding photos. I didnt argue because it was her wedding. Surprisenly, I wasn't angry about it either. I was young and it was the days before this whole natural hair movement thingy going on. We are still friends and she's still married and I looked good and I love her! lol!

Jeannette said...

I have no idea why straightening natural hair would accommodate to a 'certain style' for a wedding. I know it's the bride and groom's wedding day but controlling hair styles is going too far. I straighten my hair when I want, I don't like to be told I have to straighten it or wear a wig to be a bridesmaid...shoot, I'm a grown a#% Woman LOL. I have seen too many friendships fail because Brides made unacceptable demands. Although the wedding day is the Bride's Day, keep in mind that a friendship is a lifetime.

Anonymous said...

lol. I been through this last year. I was not allowed to wear wigs. Seriously, she straight out said "Girl,No wig on my wedding day." Her hair stylist tried to perm my hair and then sew in (I was transitioning and I cried). Omgee, my friend was a control freak bridezilla. The wedding was beautiful and the bridal party was amazing. Our friendship is still the same and I glad I survived. Otherwise, NEVER AGAIN!

Madysen Dane Michaels said...

I have been a fussy (not bridezilla) bride and I wanted to know what `my wedding party was doing with their hair. The diversity made it where I could not request a specific style that everyone could comply with the one requirement I had was that it had to look flyy. People know what your hair policies are before they get married this asking you to change just because they are gonna be seen with you at a major public event is some BS. Your support in making someone feel special on the best day of their life is what matters. DUh! :)

FaithInLove said...

Staying faithful to the press n curl for 20 years has left me with A LOT of heat damage. I'll be in a wedding this September and I made my decision during a recent detangling session. I was staring in the mirror at my uneven heat damaged ends. Although few spots are almost completely natural, the front left side of my head (which looks the worst) has at least 8 inches of limp hair hanging from my new growth. Since I've been chemical free most of my life, my hair journey is about being heat free and embracing my natural texture. Also, the bride has no preference. It's the groom (my brother) and also my mother who aren't fans of my journey. I stared at those scraggly ends long enough to decide NOT to straighten my hair. I plan to be a long term transitioner and don't want to let months of dedication go to waste for one day. Now I just have to tell the groom...

Najah said...

I would so slap on a wig! It's the easiest option. With lacefronts and the whole nine it's easy to make it look real. That would have to be our compromise, I won't straighten my real hair (for fear of heat damage, that is a real possibility depending on WHO straightens and how it's done) BUT I will give her the straight style she wants. If she's a good friend she will understand. The wig clause is a win win situation for everyone. Getting a weave is another option but a wig is way easier :)

Anonymous said...

All I can say is wow... If you are a TRUE friend you could sacrifice one day that is special to them. They want you to be a part of their day and all you can think about is yourself. There are so many options besides straightening your hair.

T. said...

I'm in my 30s and I've been natural most of my life. In response to this question, my answer is that no, I would not straighten my hair (with chemicals or with heat) at my friend's request. Neither would I wear a wig or weave (though braided/twisted extensions would be a possibility, even though I wouldn't wear them otherwise).

The thing is, I honestly can't imagine any of my friends asking me to do this. I guess it's partly because I've been natural so long (and have not straightened my hair, even once, in all that time) that I don't think that any of my close friends can even imagine me with straight hair; it wouldn't even occur to them.

I appreciate what people are saying about it being the bride's special day and being about them and not about you; but you know what, I'm a person, not an accessory. I honestly don't think that I would even be friends with someone who would want to dictate my appearance down to that level anyway, because that's just not the kind of person I would be rolling with.

Anonymous said...

I agree that some naturals take their hair WAAAAY too seriously!!! I have been in several weddings. My Godsister requested for hers that everyone have their hair done by the same stylist, wear the same jewelry, and toe nail polish. I wasn't offended and COMPLETELY understood. I've seen nightmare wedding photos, where one bridesmaid decided to wear neon pink and green polish, have red tracks woven into her french roll, or thought door knocker earrings were appropriate with a formal gown.

It sounds outlandish, but everyone doesn't have the same taste. And for some people, you have to clearly define your expectations. I don't see a problem with the bride specifying that she is going for a UNIFORM, elegant look on HER (key word) special day. I mean really, put on a wig if you prefer not to straighten your own hair. There is no way I would lose a sister-friend over a hairstyle.

Lynnieluve said...

I'm sorry but I will not straighten my hair but I know my friends wouldn't make this kind of request anyway.

Aishah said...

Most brides I know get a hairdresser to come to them and do everyone's hair the day of the wedding. I've had a few bad experiences with stylists and hence I don't let most people touch my hair. I'm VERY wary about stylists using heat on my hair (had hair burned off before) so unless it was a stylist I was comfortable with I would ask if I could go to my own stylist to get a protective style that is similar to what the other bridesmaids will be wearing.

I'm not jacking up my hair for the next year just so I can be in someone's wedding.

Aishah said...

Oh yeah...and I would do a trial run of my protective hairstyle a few weeks or months before the wedding day just so she can be comfortable that my hair wouldn't look crazy :-)

Kelsey said...

Wow. It's my best friend/good friend's special day and I'm worried about MY looks? How conceited does that sound? Okay, if you have ridiculously damaged hair that's falling out all over the place and you know one more straightening session will kill your hair off then invest in a wig. I'm not even going to say extensions for those who have damaged hair. However, in my case...I haven't blowdried my hair since 2009. I've only straightened my hair once since then and wasn't impressed enough to keep doing it. Point being, I know that I can straighten my hair for one day and it'll be fine. If it's what my friend wants for her big day and she's never complained about my hair before but wants everyone to look the same...why not? I think some people are blowing this way out of proportion.

KC said...

Think of it this way-- what if you had short hair and your friend asked you to do an updo? (or said NO SHORT HAIR) Would you add length to do so? I think it seems like an odd request, but that's just me. It's not about vanity, it's just the principle.

Of course I would find a way to make both of us happy. Sure I might flat-iron or blow-out or twist my hair for an updo. Maybe I would wear a wig, if I had one lying around. And yeah--it's just for one day, and I understand that many brides won't even let their bridesmaids do their own hair. My bridesmaids got their own hair done and they all looked gorgeous. Nobody who is in a bridal party wants to look jacked up.

Maybe if we invested as much into our relationships as we did into miniscule details like hair, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is... but that's just my honest opinion.

Tamika said...

The most I would do on that one day is a loose curly roller set. I hate the look of straight hair on me.

Anonymous said...

This is one of the reasons why I hear women complain about naturals. We big chop and now it is all about me me me. It is not enocuraging at all. I was recently married and can understand a person wanting their dream wedding. Besides, bride's maids uniformity keep the focus on who? The bride!!! A true friend would talk to the bride, express how she feels about her hair but that she wants the bride's day to be special. It would help to know why she made this request and talk about a compromise to achieve the bride's vision for HER special day. We act so brand new over hair. It is not a good image to insist on making a statement with your hair yet your attitude is shot.

KTG said...

I don't know where we've all gotten this "it's her big day so do whatever she wants" idea from. Weddings aren't about Bridezillas or making the bride (or groom) feel like an indestructible princess (or prince) for the day. It's about a union before God. With that said, it's your hair that is attached to your body. I would tell the bride well in advance and in a non-confrontational way that I don't use heat on my hair. I would explain that I would stretch my hair and pull it back to minimize the "natural" look but that I'm not going to compromise something on my body that I'm not comfortable with. If her big day would be ruined by how I wear my hair (in the compromised style) then I question whether she should be getting married at all. Because the true meaning of the wedding and what it stands for is clearly lost. And I got married 5 months ago so I know what it's like to be stressed, have to delegate to bridesmaids, etc. But above everything, I wanted to clear my mind for the commitment I was about to make. So, my bridesmaids chose their own dresses, shoes, and hair do's (with some guidelines abou the dresses from me) and I focused on the REAL business of weddings--making sure I was ready and right to make the vows I did. So, in short, try to compromise, but don't press it if you don't want to.

Anonymous said...

I think there is beauty in not looking cookie cutter as bridesmaids. I love the idea of possibly straight, curly and kinky curly standing side by side. I dont think I would want to straighten my hair. I could not imagine asking my natural friends to do something they don't do on a regular basis if at all whether it is straigthening or wearing a wig.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it's an important day, but what is more important than your values? DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO WITH YOUR HAIR. There were some nice options mentioned. The argument that you are taking your hair too seriously is an argument that destroys itself: if "it's just hair" why should it be such a big deal to "ruin" anything? That's a silly notion and worse a false one. The wedding will go on and the friendship will (should)go on. However, if it is a power struggle either with you or her own self-esteem.....well...

Anonymous said...

I honestly think it'd be selfish if you didn't. I mean you don't have to actually straighten your hair. Like the other people said you can just get a wig, or a half-wig. And if for some reason you can't I'm sure you and the bride could work something out. I doubt she'd really even care that much. Plus it's the bride's big day.. it's just ONE day. A wig/halfwig/straighten won't hurt you for one day...

ibrock1 said...

I would decline the offer. I don't think it's fair for my friend to ask me to change my hair. What if I don't straighten my hair or care to wear a wig. I feel that is unreasonable.

Unknown said...

I am actually going thru that now. I will be a part of a wedding in 3 weeks and the bride wanted 2 have a stylist do everyone's hair, which means pressing my hair. Well you can ask me to wear a particular dress, or flowers or shoes or what have you...BUT it stops at my hair. Whether natural or not.

Hermione said...

I would model various natural hairstyles or just wear a wig for the ceremony & pics then take it off for the rest of the day. Yeah. I'm that one.

L said...

I would most definately not straighten my hair for a wedding for friend. I don't like being fit into a box idea. Being natural means thinking out side of the box. There are so many beautiful ways to style hair that I don't believe straight is the only way to go. If she insisted I might just back away from being in the wedding and just consider attending the ceremony. At most I consider wearing a wig.

Noveechops said...

I am in a not so similar situation I am going to a co-worker wedding in a month, who I don't think he likes my hair natural because his fiancee wears a weave. He had the nerve to tell me that the wedding is in the evening and I have all day to get ready which I took as go get my hair done. I might get braids or just call get it a day and stick a flower in my hair I just graduated from a TWA.

Anonymous said...

I would do it. I don't straighten my hair often... probably once every 4mo or so, but my hair seems to be pretty resilient & I've not had any issues with using heat. I'd probably make sure not to use any for at least 3 or 4 months before her wedding, so that I wouldn't be using a bunch of heat more than once in a short period. Not really a big deal to me..

trista said...

Nope, I'd cover my tattoos but I refuse to straighten my hair for anyone. If it's that big of a deal she can ask someone else to be in it. A real friend wouldn't ask you to compromise something you feel strongly about. It's not about making a statement, it's part of who you are.

Anonymous said...

No way. I do not straighten my hair in anyway because I like my natural hair texture. If it came down to doing a nail color that I think is tacky I'd do it because it would cause me no harm. If I end up with split and broken ends I'd end up with months worth of hair in the trash while she has one or two nice pictures where I don't even look like me.

Anonymous said...

I recently had this situation happen in August. I got a weave for the wedding. It was hot- so I sweated out the section of my hair that was out. I really love my natural hair, so I spent all that money to wear the weave for a week for the wedding and took it out 2 days after I got home. If I had to do it all over again, I would simply refuse to wear my hair in any style that couldn't be achieved with my hair in it's natural state and I would have offered my position as bridesmaid to someone else. I'm out! I was bitter about having to get the weave before, during, and after. I never said anything to the bride, but I don't look back at her wedding with fondness or fun. I actually don't ever want to be a bridesmaid again for anyone. It was a miserable experience... you shouldn't feel like that about your best friend's wedding.

AnaDion said...

Id probably do a wet set with large rollers if it were that serious.

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