My Natural Hair is Boxing Out My Boo...


Kadian writes;

Hi, Nikki! I'm not sure if this question has been asked, but I'd be keen to read the responses of other naturals out there. Recently, I took out my tiny, tiny twists after a month. It took me most of the night. I left it to the next evening to wash my hair, which was a big ol' tangled mess of trapped shed hair. Anyway, my partner made a comment about feeling left out and not getting to spend time with me because working on my hair always takes so long. Maybe I'm slow--I don't know. My question is:

Are there other naturals out there whose significant others feel like they are getting "robbed" of quality time because caring for our hair can take up so much time?

46 Weigh in!:
Anonymous said...

my hubby and i try to use my hair time as quality time. we'll watch movies together and since my hands are busy those are his nights to make dinner ;)

when i was trying to loc he even helped me retwist my hair.

Lana

Anonymous said...

I was in the same boat as you. My hubby was also feeling robbed of quality time since my hair care routine was so tedious- putting in and removing twists braids, shampooing, DC, air drying. I was doing this weekly. All this was done over the entire weekend which was usually our together time since we are both busy during the week. I have since compromised to the extent that I now do protective styles which last a month and now put aside only one weekend each month to pamper my curls. The other weekends we have to spend quality time together and he is okay with this.

Anonymous said...

I used to get this complaint from my DH on a weekly basis. (So glad the lockout is over, now I may have Sunday and Monday to do my hair!) We now have an understanding where I schedule my hair maintenance days as I do any other appointment. This requires much planning because in the middle of the week I typically have to re-twist, re-braid, etc. once or twice. Since I'm better at doing my hair now, I can do it without a mirror while watching TV or talking with him, etc. Either that or if it's late, I try to wait until he goes to sleep first. It seems like a lot, but in the end, it has worked because my hair doesn't suffer and he still gets the attention he needs.

Nikcoils said...

I understand what your saying. My hubby works nights. So I try and do my time consuming sessions while he is at work. Because I do value our time when he is off.

Anonymous said...

I get that it can be time-consuming, but wasn't the poster's hubby a wee bit selfish? She had them in for a month which meant she hadn't really had to do anything to her hair in a month, save for oil or spray her scalp, so really...kick rocks bud and watch the game.

JMartinez516 said...

I know mine does, which is why I stopped with the twists - but he's quiet about it. I try to do whatever I need to do in the mornings while he's still sleeping. however, this is a huge part of why I am trying to make my styles last longer.

Dani @ OK, Dani said...

LOL!! Hair is a priority, but my husband comes first.
I'm assuming this person didn't do anything major w/ her hair for a month since she had it in twists, so IMO homeboy should've taken a chill pill, or helped her untwist!! That's quality time.

xo
Dani
www.okdani.com

Anonymous said...

Yes girl! My husband supports me being natural and all but he's complained many a time about how much time I have to tend to my hair (not too bad but you know). He was so happy when I got kinky twists done on my hair (for the first time ever) because as he said "I just love how you don't have to mess in your hair" :-). Gotta love them and respect what they're expressing. Still give the necessary time to the upkeep of your hair but also make him know that he's present!

-Jazz

TiAnna Mae said...

You ladies are too good at reading between the lines, and have all offered great advice. In relationships it's definitely give and take. Just be clear about expectations up front and adjust yourself accordingly if need be.

Anonymous said...

My hubby has been pretty patient thus far since he went along with me on my tranistioning journey. I usually wash and style my hair when he's working on a project around the house or catching up on shows he's recorded during the week. That way he can do what he wants without me interrupting him lol. :-)

Anonymous said...

No, but I don't spend hours on my hair either. I think it should be a balance. I was never the girl to spend hours in the hair saloon when I had a relaxer and same holds true now. However, I did notice my husband now pops in the bathroom and stand in the door and watch..I think he gets...never mind. Yeah balance is key. There is always a simpler way to do something with your hair. (but don't skip on deep condishining)

Empre said...

get my boo involved with my hair. He loves it. I let him massage my scalp (with my directions) and he even put in the oil. I usually do a three strand twist out. He like that I do chucky twist while looking at tele., with him. Educate you man on natural hair. For instance: Hennas, DC, products, styling, sealing and hair care in general. You’ll be surprise how much men know about hair. He puts in my Henna. Two days before I put my Henna, he watches as I mix it up and get ready for my Henna treatment. Get your boo involved with daily hair regimen. It’s fun and rewarding to your hair. A man hands in your hair is wonderful. My hair loves his hands. I can understand that some men do not want to be a part of your hair routines. Try to get him to understand. When we are out for dinner, he always comments on how great my hair looks. Then he says, with the help of me….right baby. I always respond, “Yeah baby, thanks!!” Getting him involved is the key. By me getting him involved with my curly hair, I do not need to ask for scalp massages. BTW, don’t overdo it with your natural hair. If you are spending too much time on your hair and you let your relationship fade due to this. You have a serious problem. If you are doing too many treatments and your boo can’t get any time with you. Again, you have a serious problem. Also, you may need to re-arrange your hair regimen. I do not do a lot of fussing with my hair. I know what I need to put in it and when it’s time for DC (my hair lets me know by the way it looks and feels. Good luck with your BOO!

KreyolKatt said...

Good post. Yes, I've heard the statement, " You NE-VER spent this much time on your hair when you had a perm". ( He still LOVES LOVES LOVES my natural hair). I did feel kinda guilty about cutting into our QT over something like hair. So, I try to do my hair marathons when hubby is busy ( class, basketball...). My husband also has locs ,which I maintain, so we kinda do a "hair day" where both of us get hair maintenance. That way, if he complains I can say something along the lines of " it wasn't too much time when your hair was being re-twisted.." Fair trade. I agree with Lana who suggested watching a movie together while twisting. I would suggest having him help you, but...... ummm.... my hubby's twisting skills aren't up to par and I wont be letting him twist my hair again for a while -_- Maybe you'll have better luck :-)

Anonymous said...

If he likes sports give him the remote and do your thang! Football season is approaching!

KreyolKatt said...

"Gotta love them and respect what they're expressing."

Wooo, Jazz. That statement right there is key! You do couples sessions? :-) Great advice.

Anonymous said...

I just got married. My hubby told me that he knows that he is marrying me and my hair. He even nicknamed my hair Tasha. One thing that i do is do my hair on the couch as we watch movies. I have also found quick ways of doing my hair so it doesn't take as long as it used to. Going to the salon once in a while has also saved time because those styles stay in for a while and i don't have to worry about re-twisting my hair at night.

Lunar_Irony said...

Yes! If I'm not doing my hair I'm talking about my hair or thinking about my hair! My hubby is a good sport but I'm sure he's sick of it! My husband loves my hair and compliments it but he would probably rather have my hair a mess and spend the time with me.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I PROMISE I WAS GOING TO SEND SOMETHING TO NIKKI ABOUT THIS MONDAY!! MY HUBBY COMMENTS TOO ABOUT HOW LONG I DO MY HAIR, AND HOW ITS "EVERY" FRIDAY, WHEN INDEED ITS EVERY "OTHER" FRIDAY. I PRE-POO 25 MINUTES, WASH, DEEP CONDISH FOR 30, DETANGLE, RINSE, THEN STYLE TWISTS FOR ABOUT 1.75-2 HRS. THIS IS EVERY OTHER FRIDAY, AND I LOOK FORWARD TO IT, BUT HE MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES. WE BOTH WORK FULL-TIME AND HAVE TWO BOYS, 3 AND 6, SO WEEKENDS ARE IMPORTANT FOR FAMILY/QUALITY TIME, BUT A GIRL'S GOTTA DO HER HAIR SOMETIME?????? HELP!!!!

julia @ simple truths said...

[email protected]:56- Ask him outright if he thinks it is unreasonable for you to have 4-5 hours to your self (which really isn't because I'm assuming while DCing your helping your boys with something, cleaning, talking etc). You don't lock yourself in the bathroom for 4 hours straight right? Then you're still right their with the family.
I'd say one important thing is to not be too rigid with your hair's "schedule."

Most of may hair 'stuff' happens late at night. But I'm also fine with throwing on a beanie with my hair half done and heading out with my husband and kids. I an not the one to be held hostage by my hair.

julia @ simple truths said...

*excuse my typos*

Anonymous said...

My hubs hasn't complained about the styling process but he does complain about the amount of time I spend online looking at hair sites and videos. Usually because I'll say goodnight and head to bed, only to wind up taking another 30-45 minutes watching hair porn.

Jada07 aka moodindigo7772
http://www.youtube.com/user/moodindigo7772?feature=mhee

Anonymous said...

Well, since my hubby has complained, I've made it my mission to decrease the time I spend with my hair, because IT'S JUST HAIR!! and spending time with my man is more important. Its year two for me (being natural), so I SHOULD be at 1 hour week (including pre-poo and deep conditioner time) and 20 minutes or less daily (re-twisting).

I cheat on my 1 hr a week when I sleep in my henna/ deep-conditioning or pre-poo.

Chantel said...

Not at all lol probably because the few times I've done my hair at his place was when he was preoccupied with something. Since me and the bf are in a long distance relationship I have plenty of time to set my hair in a style before I see him. He also likes to watch or assist me while Im working on my mane ^_^

hairscapades said...

Okay, this is so funny because my SO actually wrote a post for my hair blog=) a couple of weeks ago on a similar topic. I spend so much time doing my hair AND writing for my blog AND taking pictures for my blog AND filming videos for my blog and Youtube channel (I just started the site about 2 months ago, but had started with the Kim Coles's GOC blogs back in late Feb/early March). But, he's so understanding, though he does say I need computer down time. Think you guys might enjoy his perspective on the whole natural hair thing (he's also going to be a regular on my blog and I have to get his new post ready for tomorrow=).

http://hairscapades.com/2011/07/13/i-lost-my-lady-to-a-revolution-of-sorts/

Anonymous said...

I get the same comment from my DH and my son. I feel a small degree of guilt but I also feel as a FULL TIME working, mother, wife and caregiver to an elderly parent - I should be able to take some hours one day out of the week or every other week (as I'm sometimes too tired to wash every week) and splurge on myself by pampering my hair. I don't go to the hair salon, nail shop, or spa to get pampered so I consider that to be much needed quality time with myself.

Mrs G said...

Married 23 years and natural 6 months and he still complains. I tell him, I'll give it up when he stops watching that football. Bunch of men running around in tight drawers, pilin' on top o' each other. Stop yourself!. Between laundry, the phones, bingo and my arthritis, he's luck I can manage to twist my head to even look at him. As you young people say,--'whatever'.

Lori Ann said...

My hubby helps me with my hair, whether we are henna-ing, twisting or taking down, detangling, whatever- he's all in. It gives him a chance to play in my hair and us a chance to have some Q.T. See if your partner will get involved and you can both win :)

Lily said...

My boo helps me with my hair too (shampoo, taking down braids...). he just loves playing with my hair

Anonymous said...

My guy is a big movie fan, so i let him pick the film and get to work on my hair, sometimes I get to see a good film and worse case : he decides to play football on the Xbox.

CandiceD said...

LOL, my man loves to see me 'play' in my hair, like its some kind of foreplay. Maybe choose a different time to do your hair...ugh, honestly, he makes me think of one of those needy guys who like to be all up under you 24-7, not good.

Good Luck

Anonymous said...

I usually do my hair while we're watching a movie. I just plop a mirror next to me and we spend time together. When I wash and detangle my hair, I also wash and detangle his...so we're spending lots of quality time together.

Anonymous said...

My hubby felt that way as well, especially when i first went completely natural. He didn't fully understand my new fascination with my hair and why my routine took alot longer than when I was relaxed. What i do know is get him involved, or i will do my hair hile we watch a movie together. or i will get up a little earlier that morining and do my hair so that by the time he gets up or get ready to start our day, my hair is already done and i can give him all my time......but at the end of the day he loves the results that proper time and care have given to my hair....and so will your spouse. hope this helps

blackcurlsbrowneyes said...

yes!!! recently this past weekend i spent an entire Saturday washing, conditioning, deep conditioning, detangling and applying kinky curly custard to my hair. i was exhausted after all that but my boy friend was even more tired and irritated than me after watching me do all that stuff while trying to be supportive and understand y i did all that in the first place. i felt so bad afterwards. i def need to spend less quality-boyfriend-time on my hair and more on him.

Anonymous said...

I am an early riser and my husband is not a morning person. This works very well for me. For my weekly weekend sessions, which are the most time consuming, I am done my long run (8-10 miles in this heat!) and working on my hair before my husband even wakes up! Daily, I wash and go or have a ponytail or refresh and these don't take as much time for me since I like fluffy hair and don't really define my curls.

I do talk about hair way too much though. I see his eyes glazing over when I begin to go on about natural hair blogs or videos. I am trying to find new obsessions so I stop boring my poor husband. Any ideas?

India said...

Its so funny that this was posted. My own husband made a comment about me taking care of my hair. I was doing a TnC the other night, and he kept picking at me, or flirting with me. By the time I was done, he was knocked out. The next day he said he wanted to "get some" but I took to long. I just laughed.

Anonymous said...

@ India...TMI LOL

luvmylocs said...

i'm single but...i don't talk about my hair with guys i'm dating. that's what the hair boards are for. as for my hair i really "do" it one day a week so i have the rest of the week to date and not be ruled by my hair. for me a quality relationship is way more important than having uber fly hair every single day. i want it to be healthy but not at the expense of a relationship. so when my guy comes along i don't think i'll be doing anything too drastically different as far as hair time.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to India! My husband gets turned on when I begin my haircare rituals! It's like as soon as I let my hair down, he's on me like flies on poop! I ain't complaining!

Mikki said...

Since I have started tranisitoning, my boo has seemed to have adjusted rather well I might say. Once in a while he may make a comment about the time I spend doing my hair, but I think he is just glad that I am doing something to it. The majority of the time when I had a relaxer, my hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Now he comments on which styles he likes and the such. Wo when it is time to do my hair, I usually leave the bathroom door wide open so that I can still talk to him while I am doing my hair.

KC said...

@ Mrs. G .. :D You can so tell you've been married for as long as you have, lol.

All these suggestions and opinions are very helpful ladies!

Vibrant1 said...

For me it hasn't been a problem for me with my husband. I devote one day out the week to hair care, he'll hand me things i need and now he feels its my duty to deep condition his hair too lol so our wash days are together.

Kia said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. I've had to make a few adjustments to my hair regime since me and my boo moved in together. For example, I used to spend nearly all day Sunday to do my hair. I've been able to knock that down to a few hours by DC with a heating cap (to speed up the process),finding products that allow my hair to air dry faster (Giovanni's direct leave in), and pineappling at nights vs. re-twisting every night. He also has been understanding and now knows my schedule. While we spend the weekend together, Sunday night is my hair's QT time... and that's that:) At the end of the day my hair is very important to me but so is living to the fullest.

Anonymous said...

i treat it as my me time. mine hubby goes out and shop or hang out with his boys and i spend a full entire day from sun up to sun down on my hair. and anything else i need to catch up on like my eyebrows or nails or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Well I'm not married yet, but in sort of a long distance relationship. He loves my hair and likes it when I try new styles (although he had expressed that he really liked my hair when it was short) This hasn't been an issue for me, but I have thought about what it would be like for him if we were to move into together or tie the knot. But I enjoy doing my hair, its part of my "me time". I do like the idea of getting him involved, sometimes. Whenever he sees my hair he is curious as to how I did it, so I think he would enjoy that.

Anonymous said...

I am also not married yet, but I talk a lot about hairstuff when I am with my bf. I just like to talk about it. He once told me that I am talking too much about hair and that I should stop it. Hihi :) So now, I don't talk about it anymore that often. But he knows that my weekly haircare regimen (henna sometimes, DC etc) takes a lot of time and luckily he doesn't complain (not yet) about that. (I am sorry if I spelled something wrong. I am from the Netherlands, so my English could be better :))

Anonymous said...

It's never been an issue with my fiance. He has locs so I'm the one washing, conditioning, and retwisting his hair; so when I need time to do mine it's not an issue.

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