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October 26, 2011

Autumn Responds to Yesterday's Marriage Post

Autumn writes:





Um… WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Yes, this happened for real. And YES, there were A LOT of elements missing from the post. Of course, it’s a personal story re-told in “glimpse” fashion to make a point.

I do not need to defend the conclusion of my story. But I will say this: I STILL HAVE MY MARRIAGE, AND IT’S A BEAUTIFUL ONE. I STILL HAVE MY NATURAL HAIR, AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL TOO. My husband did not really want to end our marriage (re-read the post). I am currently in a more-than-humanly-normal hormonal state (re-read the post).

Hair: Just as trivial as the idea of divorcing someone over hair, is the idea of NOT making at least an EFFORT if your spouse expresses disappointment – especially if it is a change from your initial self (i.e., not TRYING to lose gained weight, not TRYING to dress more attractively, not TRYING to be more sexually active – if you were before). Also, I believe that physical attraction is VERY important in relationships – possibly more important to men than women.

Marriage: Our love story is sweet and full of depth, not bitter and shallow. Marriage in this country is being downplayed something fierce, as evident in how fast most commenters said they would let their marriage and their children’s two-parent household just…dissolve. Men can be insensitive and often are, but they are not ALWAYS cheating. Women can be intuitive and often are, but they are not ALWAYS in tune with what their spouses are feeling and can often ignore important signals to focus on other things like work, children, etc. And thank you to commenter DFig for this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

Conclusion: The negative feelings toward “nappy” hair out there are REAL. People, even loved ones will say some VERY mean things. I wanted to present a DIFFERENT way to react to the negativity (especially regarding unsupportive spouses). It’s NOT all about YOU. It’s about EVERYONE – all races, all sexes, all religions – and it’s about our children, too. That might sound too deep, but it’s true. What image are we REALLY portraying? At this point in time, my case it is simple (NOT complicated): I believe that my reaction to the situation will show my husband how VERSATILE my natural hair is – that it’s not all about my afro/curly styles (which I believe he thought was true, considering I had not straightened my hair and only done styles like twists and coils for a whole year straight). But that I can do it ALL – curly/straight/weave/whatever! And STILL be able to reach my goal of growing my natural hair longer than it was relaxed, and showing my daughter that her natural hair is beautiful and versatile, too.

Let’s be more POSITIVE. “A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary results.” Wade Boggs

Your natural hair is only as beautiful as YOU are.

188 Chime in!:

Sweetdrk1 said...

Yes Autumn! Yes! Love you for sharing YOUR experience! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Thank you Autumn! :-)
MB

Lacoya S. said...

*faints*

I'm TOTALLY speechless at how......LOVELY and....REFRESHING this post is!!!! I read that post and comments and chillllleeee....I was really perturbed at how commentators could make such harsh judgements about someone else's marriage?!?!?!

It is SO true that marriage these days are NOT taken seriously, and once the spouse does something or wants something that the other one does not see eye to eye with, it's out the door.

NEWS FLASH women: Your man/husband/significant other/boo/boyfriend/friend with benefits, ETC will NOT love EVERYTHING about you, that's because NO ONE is perfect, everyone has flaws. But what he IS saying is that your good FAR outways the bad.

For most, they are in a fortunate situation because they are ALREADY natural before dating, but what goes for the women who was weaved up when she married a man, and all of a sudden wants to chop it off to an inch???? That's a change that will take some getting use, too. And yes, it might make feelings of disregard come up in the partner, but hey....that's all a part of it. Finding ways to sacrific, love, honestly communicate, and WORK IT OUT.

Thank you, Autumn. BOTH posts were equally inspiring!!!! :D

kdla1979 said...

I understand completely. We do view marriage as dispensable, and I'm with you completely. Be willing to FIGHT for your marriage, your family, your happy home. As women, we need to realize that there isn't anything wrong with wanting to please our men!

I was a little taken aback by the thought of divorcing over natural hair. My natural hair isn't my husband's preference either, however I have agreed to be versatile in styling so that we can both be happy. I totally see both sides of this and wish you and your hubby and kids the absolute best!

TiAnna Mae said...

I don't think I would ever throw my husband under the bus in that way. The way the story was written, it put him in a very negative light. I was kind of upset about it and talked to my husband about it, and he reassured me that there were a lot of elements missing from the story or that maybe it was a little exaggerated. All in all. I'm so glad that you guys are happy and that you're loving your hair!!!! At the end of the day, that's all that matters.

tiannamae.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

And done! Love your response and your choice to share that response with us. You really didn't have to let us into that private, sacred part of your life, but you did and you didn't have to explain your reasoning, but you did in order to offer another view and way of handling things. Thanks!

manemanblog.com said...

"It’s NOT all about YOU. It’s about EVERYONE – all races, all sexes, all religions – and it’s about our children, too." TRUTH! Thanks for sharing Autumn.

Anonymous said...

The statement that he mentioned about his friend's wife is still sticking with me. Tell him to straighten his hair and put some Rick James braids in it too.
Hair is different than weight, sexual spice, and clothing styles. You have NO control over the way your hair grows out of your head. Your INITIAL SELF is your natural hair in it's natural state.

Your husband still has some growing to do in the world of natural hair as most of still do. I just wish the way we were born wasn't an issue. It doesn't seem to be a big deal in other communities.

donna dorrane said...

WHOA WHOA WHOA!!! YOU SOUND PISSED!!! But here's the kicker.

Um...sweetie...you put your *personal* business out there for the world to see...not us. It kills me how folk get upset at comments and/or reactions they get when they put themselves out on front st. Did you not forget that this is the WWW (world-wide web) HELLO!!! Any and everything is up for public opinion, scrutiny, and/or criticism PERIOD. That's the name of the game.

If you don't want differing opinions...then don't put'cha business out there. And for the record...I agree with the majority, as this same issue happened in my ex-marriage. There is definitely something deeper...with him. Hair and weight issues is the surface. So next time think twice before you go all *deep* on the net. That's my 4 cents.

LaMaraVilla said...

LOL!!! You can try all you want but your initial post on the CN site said it all. The words "we need to split up" actually came from his lips no? Or was that an exaggeration you make due to your pregnancy hormones?

Because if he actually formed his lips to say that sentence to you, because of your hair, while you were carrying your second child, then you got problems. TRUST!

Regardless, this is really a story that should have been kept to yourself. You made your husband look like an asshole and a bully. You're lucky this is the internet and it's totally anonymous.

CandyceNoelle said...

*Applauds* I completely agree and knew that a follow up was coming after reading those comments...I feel like the ones who were quick to say they'd leave or etc are either not in relationships/married, or never been exposed to a long love filled relationship. Partners become your best friends and I know me and mines talk real blunt and harsh to each other. My parents say hilariously mean things to each other...but they've been together since their teens so it's all jokes. Like you said you were hormonal so I can only imagine how you heard him (my mother is at that Change of Life Stage and EVERYTHING is 10x what u meant it to mean lol). But it's good to hear all is well and I hope your family continues to grow and prosper.

Anonymous said...

I find it funny that you had to come back on today and respond to all the negative comments that were posted on yesterday. However I feel you opened the door with the first post. I read some, not all, of the comments and yes some were a bit outlandish, but others however were actually not bad enough to be viewed as negative. In telling the story you had to have known that some women would view this as something a little more deep than just hair. Not to say that it isn't only about hair but to say I want to separate because of hair.....yeah I think you get my point. I think that it is great that you worked out your lack of communication problem and moved forward, but in the future as the saying goes leave folks out of your marriage if you don't want their opinions.

Anonymous said...

Natty...
This post was very interesting to me because I do often think about what if I was with someone for years and then I suddenly did the bc (bigchop, and how would he feel? I think that his (your husband) reaction was being real. He told you his honest feelings and opinion. And that's a whole lot better than keeping it in, and looking outside the marriage for somebody else. I think the both of you handled his feeling in a mature way, which would be a negotiation. So don't worry what others say and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Ruth said...

From one married curly to another... thank you for keeping it positive.

Blessings and peace to you and yours. :)

sherrae perez said...

After reading this post, I went back to read the original post as I was unfamiliar with it and I'm shocked at how you could've received such negative comments (I didn't read the comments section). I think that ppl can be so judgmental when it comes to things that DON'T have a direct effect on them. Sometimes ppl are actually envious of your ability to be genuine and authentic. Also, many women think about THEIR method of communication and totally ignore how men communicate THEIR own feelings. I so "get" your post. If their husbands or partners haven't said anything "awkward" or "hurtful" then they haven't been married long enough. Thanks for your post!

Maya said...

*Claps* I knew a follow up was coming after I scanned down four comments after mine and was like: DAMN! I applaud staying and working on your relationship/marriage with your husband. Too many just walk away over trivial things and yes folks that includes hair. You knew your husband well enough to know it wasn't just about your hair and that is what being in a relationship/marriage is all about. It's for better or worse and sometimes people take minor arguments as worse. I myself take blame for that...I knew reading your post that I am not ready to be anyone's wife because I just knew these pink lips of mine would've dropped a different response. LOL! Again.. kudos to you, your husband and family. I wish you all the best!!

sherrae perez said...

Some of these commenters need to not subscribe to the notion that women are "catty" with each other. Why are the comments so harsh? I think it would behoove most adults to learn how to share your opinion with out feeling the need to "get someone straight". Breathe in deeply, exhale and then take part in healthy discourse; It's good for all of us, really it is. Not only that but differing opinions offer us perspective; however, let's keep it respectful and healthy, not rude and aggressive.

fuzzypuff said...

Autumn,

Real talk. You sent in your business to a public forum. Please be aware that other hair forums besides CurlyNikki have picked up your story and are discussing it right now.

No matter the true nature of your marriage, or the intent of your original letter to this site, people are now free to make comments and pass judgement. It's nothing personal against you or your husband. We've simply taken what you had provided to us, the public, yesterday and made our comments on it, as we would on any other post.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and to be so public you need to have a thick skin.....

Anonymous said...

Till death do you part. Marriage is a beautiful thing...it really is.
Praying all continues to be well with your husband and that your original post does not cause turbulence in the future when he finds it or googles you.

AusetAbena said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ditto with Donna Dorrane. Why put it out there if you don't want to get honest commments? Why only tell half the story then get upset about how we react to the way you presented it? Did he or did he not say you two needed to split up, during your lunch break, over your hair? And you're carrying his second child? {rhetorical questions, purely). I say that to say that I am sure the original posters of "negative" comments would stand by their original posts if you answered yes to those questions. And you need to reassess the statement that looks are VERY important for a relationship. They are important, depending on the person, but there should be much more important things. Like love, patience, kindness, LOYALTY. My heart goes out to you Autumn, and I pray for you and your marriage. But remember, next time you want to give a "glimpse" be ready for our reaction on that glimpse. Nobody asked you to submit that story. In fact, I could have done without it. But I figured anyone giving an anecdote in blog post form on the Internet where there is a section labeled comments would expect comments of all kinds. For real. And with that, I'm done. You can put in fork in me (metaphorically), cause I'm done.

CurlyInTheA said...

Autumn, great follow up. I'm glad that you all are working this out. But, as others have said, ya know that once you put yourself out there, get ready. ESPECIALLY on this topic, as it is an extremely sensitive one when it comes to Black men and Black women (and men of other races, too). Good luck to you.

LaMaraVilla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LaMaraVilla said...

I also just have to say I have a hard time believing that anything written in that first post was real. It seemed like legit troll behavior that you get often on internet forums.

If it truly happened I pity you and your children.

Anonymous said...

Autumn, thanks for sharing your story.

I still believe that there is a deeper issue than hair but you know your husband and your marriage better than us. I have been with my husband for 11 years and married for 6 years (we also have a 5 month old daughter) and for either of us to threaten divorce/seperation, it would have to be due to a serious issue. And while I could see physical attraction being very important, why not talk about it as you all did instead of threatening seperation/divorce? Is it possible that the issue could be that he feels that his opinion was not valued and that important decisions are made regardless of his opinion? Maybe there were other instances where his opinion was ignored and this was the final straw? But you know your husband and marriage better than us and this viewpoint is strictly based on what you said in your initial post.

I would still seek marriage counseling and may God bless your family and your union.

Thanks again for sharing Autumn! =-)

Nicole

Miss Medi DiJah said...

I remembered that you had a big chop post on here, and hubby didn't like the big chop idea then and months later he's still not feeling it. I wish you all the luck. And also , safe delivery with the new baby coming..

Anonymous said...

Autumn,if that is you in the picture, you are beautiful! Your husband is straight tripping.

I don't know what kind of response you thought you were going to get when you posted that post, but even after reading this response, i STILL think your husband is tripping.

You are right, hair is not something to break a marriage up over, but you have to take your feelings into account, too. You obviously love your natural hair, and you should, you are are beautiful.

You may be willing to stick with your husband through thick and thin, but it doesn't sound like he is willing to do the same for you.

Watch out.

Befka said...

Autumn: While reading your first post I was starting to get nervous because I was hoping the story didn't end in divorce over your hair. But obviously there is a lot more to your marriage than your hair, and you took a snippet and shared that.I loved the way you handled it. You took time to think instead of fly off the deep end. You wrote your thoughts down and talked to him. And because you did that you and your husband were able to talk about your concerns and get to the bottom of that issue.Even if he really did say the words "we need to split", he may not have known another way to say it, or you simply chose not to divulge that information to us all.I didn't want to read any of the comments from yesterday because I knew they were gonna be negative. I read the first few and then stopped.Marriage is severely de-valued here as you saw from the comments you received.I am glad you decided to show everyone a different way to act to a difficult situation.Of course it is going to be met with backlash; positivity and doing what is right usually is.Don't take the negative comments to heart, just the ones that encourage you.Many people read CurlyNikki and don't comment on posts.You don't know the amount of people you have helped by sharing a snippet of your life with us.I am not married, not dating and have natural hair. I have encountered men who like my hair in it's naturally curly state, but love it straight.I love my hair in any style i put it in.Straight hair is another style that I would put into my rotation if the man I end up with prefers it straight.It would be a compromise for us both and I have no problem with wanting to please my future man.Keep doing what is right because it's right Autumn.

KiahnaM said...

YEA!! I LOVED IT- GREAT RESPONSE!!
As for myself - my hubby has been very supportive of my transitioning to a curly fro however, he did ask "babe what's the end result" and I had to explain to have healthy natural hair and to teach our daughter to love her healthy natural hair as well.
Everything you said was true. We do have to be sensitive to their feeling, as well as, understand when we are making a transition into a new image, sometimes we may have to walk our hubby/partner though it!

Terysa said...

I read the post yesterday and was too scared to read the comments. I know that some people think they know everything about everything - hair, men, other people's lives...

When I viewed the site yesterday and the post already had 100+ comments, I was #done.

Thanks for sharing YOUR story, I'm sure someone somewhere will relate! I'm glad everything is back to normal for you - LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING!

Anonymous said...

BULLCRAP! We reacted off what you wrote. Don't try to change it up now and say you intentionally left stuff out. GTFOH. But, you did achieve one thing. You got people talking :-)

mmhaiti said...

"Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like."

Maybe you should have bolded that - because everyone missed it...
There lies the confusion and controversy. I think people failed to grab, some of the humor and snark that was in the story.

NaturalnTru said...

Hey Autumn! I knew after I read your article yesterday that you would recieve alot of negative feedback! Needless to say.. I too have experienced some of that in my marriage as well..only thing was I experienced it with RELAXED hair (yes!) I always had long hair and my hubby DESPISED short hair (shaved,etc) so when I kept expressing my feelings about it being MY hair, and hair doesnt change ME, etc. he in so many words said he would not be attracted to me and some of the other stuff you got. Yes I was horrified, and hurt, even cried and couldnt understand why he could be so damn blunt about freakin hair! But i must say.. I didnt do the short relaxed cut but when I did the BC a few months ago.. WHOLAH!! He LOVED it! He said he likes natural short hair better than relaxed..strange huh.. yep. But u know what.. just like you said.. it is our jobs to please them but we have to please ourselves first! They didnt marry us for our hair and you shouldnt have to defend your marriage just because you chose to be open and honest about this issue. Many dont understand what comes along with this sometimes, but I do.. and im with you 100%. Kudos to you for sharing! Thanks!!

MsDiva1658 said...

Autumn, thank you for both of your posts. I must agree I was taken aback at so many negative comments. I, too am married and my husband is not 100% supportive of my natural hair journey. One thing I do know about my husband is that he does not adapt to drastic changes readily. So as time goes on, he will adjust and become more comfortable with my natural hair, just as I had to adjust to the change from relaxed to natural. It is a journey, for you and your partner. Peace and Blessings!

nat said...

All I will say is that I dont agree with the way this played out nor do I agree with the NyPost article, for me this is a sad day for women if this is the general mindset that is used for relationships. I am married w/ kids and we have our ups and downs but the levels of pure disrespect and spite discussed in both articles is something that I would not allow in my life from anyone. respect and love go both ways...husbands should be held to that standard as well no matter what.

Beauty As Designed said...

Wow! Just finished reading yesterdays post and I can TOTALLY relate! My hubby of 10 years, it took him a while also to understand and accept my natural, nappy hair(lol). I wear different styles as well, but i do not straighten my hair. I plan on only straightening it once a year(on our anniversary). Because I do believe he might prefer straight hair, I don't want him to get use to my straightening it and want me to do that most of the time. I refuse to allow heat damage to my hair because he has bought into what society says is beautiful. We had a long drawn out argument and I thought he might be tempted to go out and have an affair because he said he "wasn't attracted to my hair", ironic huh? At that time, I had just started wearing my natural hair after transitioning and it was short. I wore twists and they were short and I guess they did not look as good on my as my kinky twists with extensions that I had wore while transitioning..I totally understand and I thank the Lord that my hubby and I were able to get through that. I still wear my natural hair in various styles most of the time and he like it(probably because it's a lot longer now):)

Kisha said...

Autumn,

Thank you for your article yesterday. Even tho many of us could not believe your husband told you he wanted to break up WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT. Since we are on a natural hair blog, I think that we are all sensitive when we hear of someone responding negatively to our hair. If our natural hair wasn’t an issue, there would be no need to have the support group that IS curlynikki.com. I’m happy that you saw the underlying issue that your husband had. Your insight into your relationship is what will help you guys weather the storm that is married life. What I got from you story is:

1) You recognized that it was NOT just about your hair
2) You were committed to finding the real source of your husband’s “outburst”
3) You taught me that relationships are worth fighting for & that communication is key to
any healthy relationship
4) You got me to think about how I would react in that situation & to maybe not get
immediately angry but really try to analyze the situation

I believe that those who’ve peered into the deeper meaning of your article can appreciate that you were only trying to show us that differences in marriage CAN be worked out. No one should lose a love that they have spent time nurturing and building over something as trivial as hair.

Anonymous said...

The FUNNY thing about this story is that mine is the complete opposite! My boyfriend absolutely LOVES, LOVES, LOVES, my natural hair! However, he get's on my DAMN NERVES with it!!!

let me explain, i've always been a type of person that LOVES changing up on my hair styles. and while I have decided that I would NEVER relax again I do like to occasionally still wear wigs. This is one of the ways I choose to do protective styles during Fall/Winter months. Some may agree some may not but this works for me.

However, every time he see's me with anything other than my natural hair he comments on it...EVERY DAMN TIME! Even though I try to explain to him why I do it. Yes sometimes I still like a straight look, the conveinece of it, it's a protective style, etc.

in the end, it's amazing how one natural's experience can be SO DIFFERENT from anothers!

Anyways Good luck to you Autum...I'm all for working it out if it is worth it. Appreciate you sharing your story.

kitka82 said...

Forgive me if creative license is lost on me here, but I had issues with the original article from the moment I read:

"Then he said the six words that literally threw me into an immediate emotional breakdown: 'WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.'"

That's only FIVE words... (okay maybe that's beside the point, but what really IS the point of this story?) I felt that key details were left out, therefore it only makes sense that the whole scenario was misinterpreted.

I admit that after reading the story, I thought your husband seemed like a complete tool. Did he have a chance to read the article?

Side note: it's not uncommon at all for men to want to leave their pregnant partners. Pregnancy adds a lot of joy, but also a lot of strain to a relationship. Pregnant women are hormonal, often fatigued, and often less interested in sex. Both partners experience a lack of rest once the baby's born. Makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck with your marriage , hair, upcoming baby, etc. Thanks for sharing your story.

I do not think it is necessary to lambast those who took issues with your post and say that they do not value marriage because they did not appreciate how things played out. If you post something which has a comments section attached, be prepared for commentary- some of which you may not like. It is easy to brush it off and say that people are saying things which you don't agree with because they don't value the work involved in maintaining a healthy marriage. No, some people just thought they saw dysfunction in a marriage and wanted to give their 2 cents.

I think we all need to step back and realize that people have different opinions about what is presented and they should not be attacked for that. You and your hubby are the only ones in your marriage. If you are happy with it, that's all that matters. None of us will ever be in your marriage, so whether or not we have the same values about marriage as you do is irrelevant.

Anonymous said...

I still think that after (i) 5 years of marriage, (ii) a child and (iii) another baby on the way, threatening divorce over hair is BEYOND insensitive. Doesn't matter how you slice it, dice it or recast it- it was wrong!

So either her husband was making a threat he didn't mean to manipulate her OR he really doesn't understand what his vows meant. Divorce isn't something a person should put out there capriciously.

That said, I wish Autumn and her family all the best.

~H

Anonymous said...

Autumn, while I admire the way you handled it, I still have a problem with the way he chose to present the issue to you and the fact that it was even enough of an issue to him to go that far. You seem like a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent person; I'm just not so sure he deserves you. Honestly, I think he's being unreasonable and I just don't trust him. Makes me wonder what would happen if you had a health issue which affected your appearance in ways that a hair style couldn't fix. It's wonderful of you to be so open minded and forgiving; just don't forget what happened. He has basically shown you who he is.

K. said...

The previous post was just so bizarre to me. Like, I can't imagine my husband saying that we need to separate because I won't do what he wants me to do, esp for something such as HAIR TEXTURE. Your response to his behavior was very humble and mature and I commend you.

In my current state of mind I would've asked him if he needed me to help him pack his sh*t and call Tyrone. When my last bf acted like a jerk my instinct was to respond by being the bigger jerk. Clearly I'm not ready for marriage...and if it requires putting up w/ crap I probably never will be.

Hadiyah said...

You don't need to defend yourself. As long as you and your husband are honest with YOURSELVES 1st and each other 2nd, you'll work out whatever you need to....on whatever issue presents itself.

The story does not make your husband look good but if he's now honestly telling you that your hair is beautiful and you didn't feel the need to go back to straight hair ONLY because of that conversation (or fear of being left) , I'd say you both came out of it with some better understanding of each other and maybe yourselves...

Most of us realize this was a personal story so thank you for your willingness and strength to share publicly and be vulnerable in doing so ;)

Wishing you peace, love, and blessings for a happy marriage and family in whatever hair state you choose ;)

Anonymous said...

As I stated yesterday, to the other people who posted and were upset with some of the comments made, when you put something in a public, social forum, you MUST HAVE WANTED others to weigh in. If not, then this is something that should have been written in a diary or journal or maybe discussed with an neutral (and professional) third party, like a counselor or therapist. Maybe it should have been posted anonymously if you wanted feedback, but to spare your identity. With that being said, I really do pray your marriage lasts and in the future, you may really want think of other ways to express yourself with minimal negative side effects since you strive to be positive.

Beautifulspiret said...

Amen Chile, I was thrown at how many off the chain comments there were in response to this. Sisters, I think, were reading a snippet and because of their own "Stuff" went on a rampage. Some of the comments were unnecessary and some were downright offensive. I am glad that you set the record straight and stand confident in the fact that marriage is a union of two very imperfect people who need grace at times and who have preferences and their own views, and yes, some if not most times they differ, so compromise is very important in helping to build a healthy relationship. As wonderful as we(women)think that we are, and we are, we still can be a piece of work and we have to take into consideration that men's views are just as important and valuable as ours. Now, I will get off my soap box. Be Blessed.

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE SO BRAVE!!! THANKS FOR HELPING US SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY!!!

Anonymous said...

YOU put the story out there the way YOU put it out there! You put it out there in a negative light. It got mostly negative responses. If you wanted to put it out there in a positive light, you would have done so.

YOUR WORDS: "He never wanted me to go natural. He doesn’t like “nappy” hair. He likes straight hair. He felt that I had totally ignored his feelings by going natural in the first place, but the fact that I’ve stayed natural, despite his disdain, is even worse." (DISDAIN?!)

Whatever his words were, it left you so upset that you couldn't go back to work so he must have said something pretty harsh.

Your words: "Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN."

So he says that he feels like his friend's wife is a better wife than you are? REALLY?!

Your words: "He touches my “nappy” hair and tells me I’m beautiful" Okay, why does he say that when he really doesn't like it? Is he just doing that so you will continue to have sex with him? Is he saying that so you be more likely to straighten it? I have no idea.

Be careful of the "do more straight styles and do them more often" thing okay.

Anonymous said...

I understand that we don't know everything about your marriage but most commenters were reacting BASED on what you wrote. And I'm sorry but when a man threatens to split up because of hair, actually says we "we need to split up" to his pregnant wife over hair, that's a (insert profanity here) move. I realize we don't know everything that goes on, but people's reaction were based on what you posted, and sadly enough it didnt paint a pretty picture of your husband to me. I wish you all the best. You're a beautiful woman, and I hope your husband comes around.

TiAnna Mae said...

I'm not trying to put me nor my husband on a pedestal, but I'm so glad that he married me for my spirit, and nothing else, because that's all I have to offer. Hair falls out/changes, beauty fades, money comes and goes, breasts sag/need to be removed, etc; so if you marry for those things you are in for a rude awakening, as we can see. This is not to say that physical attraction is not important, but it shouldn't be at the center. Physicalities cannot replace God.

Anonymous said...

did your husband read that article? if he did, what did he say? it really painted him in a negative light..if he actually said "we need to split up" b/c of your hair...how are we supposed to interpret that?seems pretty cut and dry to me...any how, good luck with every thing..i'm glad you two have come to an agreement of sorts

Anonymous said...

To the OP, I'm so glad you followed up. I didn't even bother to respond yesterday because of how judgmental the posters were being. One thing I will agree is that it's a good thing that a lot of them AREN'T married. Because a lot of immaturity was shown and some of the reactions show the reason the divorce rate is so high. I'm going to assume based on their response that they know nothing about taking the HIGH ROAD and COMPROMISE. In marriage things WILL be said that can hurt someone's feelings, and when it comes to men and their PRIDE, whoooo. But The fact that you took the time to sit down, and not OVERREACT, and get to what the real issue was with your spouse shows just how strong your marriage is, and a lot of people don't know anything about that; preserving a relationship. So it's no wonder a lot of individuals reacted how they did. Bravo to you and I hope you continue to have a strong and happy marriage.

Tlynnsmith said...

Lol! Yep..I KNEW it!

You chose to put your business out there. Go back and read it...it sounds outlandish. The responses you got should have been expected.

Secondly, what man threatens to split up with his PREGNANT wife, over her choice of hairstyle? "Bad communication"? You bet, and if he communicates that badly, you're sure to encounter more troubled waters. A child could tell you he was thoughtless.

I value marriage (I'm not married), but I think you got the short end. Women are often very willing to do whatever it takes, including changing who they are/how they look/how they behave, to keep a man. That's very common. Men know this, and some have no problem using their upper hand to manipulate their women, to get what they want. It's childish, it's mean, and it's foolishness. But, it works. But when a man decides to walk, it won't matter what you do, because he's ready to go.

To think that simply agreeing to wear your hair straight once in a while is "THEE ANSWER", to your problem, indicates a profound lack of discernment. Your hair is not even the issue. It's a surface manifestation of a much deeper crack in the marital foundation.

But hey, he's your husband. You like it? I love it.

Peace...

Anonymous said...

Hi Autumn,

I was one of those people who commented on your post yesterday. I was more sad than anything because I felt like your husband was insensitive in how he approached you. As always you have to be there to know the WHOLE story and while you don't owe any of us an explanation I'm glad to hear that we only got bits and pieces of the story.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that you're happy and you're family is happy.

Jas

Anonymous said...

Jas, he wasnt being insensitive. He was being as ASS. To say we need to split up to a pregnant lady over hair. God forbid, she would've gone into shock and miscarried. If any of you don't see anything seriously wrong with how this man acted, I must not be awake yet.

Michelle said...

Amen(!) to what TiAnna Mae said: "Hair falls out/changes, beauty fades, money comes and goes, breasts sag/need to be removed, etc; so if you marry for those things you are in for a rude awakening, as we can see. This is not to say that physical attraction is not important, but it shouldn't be at the center. Physicalities cannot replace God."

I am married, value my marriage, and love my husband to death (with all his flaws), just as I expect him to love me (with all my flaws). I know that many men (and women) have issues with natural hair. But what troubled me with the first post, and still troubles me, is that there is no acknowledgement on the husband's part that there is a problem with his deeper expectation that a 'good wife' should take her husband's view of what is attractive as gospel, and mold herself to that image. To the contrary, he says his friend's wife is a better WOMAN because she is willing to do just that. To me, that is more than just a communication problem. It is a core value system that may cause future issues or conflicts.

Autumn--you are brave and beautiful. And perhaps you simply have a completely different conception of the male-female dynamic in marriage than I do; we are all different. But I fear you're doing yourself a disservice if you honestly believe that everything is roses, rainbows, and butterflies now that you've agreed to straighten your hair every once in a while.

If you are not willing to consider counseling, try reading Dr. Robin L. Smith's book "Lies at the Altar, the Truth About Great Marriages." It is an excellent read and may give you both some insights & tools to continue to make things work.

Nylse said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

i think what you were trying to get across on the first post was that you can work out your differences when a loved one does not like your natural hair. ok, fine... but you have to understand that there is one MAJOR point that override your 'moral of the story'. your husband threatened to SPLIT UP WITH YOU because of your HAIR. hecky yeah you're gonna get a knee-jerk response to that! its one thing for him to express his opinion about your hair, but it's another thing when he wants to END the union of your marriage. wow. *smh*

CeCe said...

As much as I agree with saving your marriage and doing what is right for you and YOUR family I think some are still missing the over arching theme.

Some are vilifying her for wanting to stay and work it out. No matter how Autumn reacted (very mature and far better than I think I would have) she behaved in an adult way. What I think people and Autumn are tuning out is that he DID NOT. No, Autumn was not willing to lose her marriage over some damn hair, Because that sounds ludicrous and ridiculously immature. BUT HER HUSBAND WAS.

Autumn, I truly do admire your response and reaction to his craziness I think it's important that you think about both of your levels of investment. You weren't willing to give up on a good marriage and life together but he was. Over some hair (though I believe we all can agree that this was bigger than hair).

At the end of the day. Your marriage is your marriage and no one but you, your husband and God have intimate details. Next time, think twice about putting your personal business on front street for the world to see.

CurlyInTheA said...

@Michelle, Well said! 1000% Agree

Ash M. said...

Word!!! Loved your response:)

Anonymous said...

hello people there should be no m ore comments after mine. Point Blank Period she may have exaggerated due to being PREGNANT sheesh can ya'll re-read like she said. Her husband was just trying to get her to spice things up. Im pretty sure its the single unmarried women who wanna go back and forth. I had the same dilemma with my boo when i did the big chop but he learned to love it every now and again i wear a straight wig blonde or black however he's feeling to keep things SPICY!!!! and he in turn does things for me ha ha ha shhhhhhh enojy your day ladies.....moving on.....

Vetsnatural said...

Spoken like a true adult who handled a situation the correct way who understands the true nature of a long lasting marriage. I applaud your original post and your responding post. You submitted it to enlighten folks and some choose to judge and make comment where none was needed. You did what was good for you and that is what counts and that your marriage and relationship is still flourishing.

Lacoya S. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Autumn God Bless you for compromising with what your husband desires to see in you. That's what marriage is , we all have to compromise in a marriage. Take it from someone who has been married happily for 15 years come Nov. Yes your husband acted ridiculous. Don't they all from time to time. I really dont believe your husband would have left you over hair. However, if he was serious, you saved your marriage,that's what is important. Ignore the negative comments, those commenting negatively are either unmarried and if they are, its not a happy one. A Godly marriage can overcome anything.

Lacoya S. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lacoya S. said...

Ok, so I deleted 2 of the same posts after being convicted. They were going to nasty and mean....since some people think that they can be nasty and mean, too. But that's not right.

Autumn, you are very wise. I am truly grateful for you because even though some people were rude (and still are being rude), you have caused SOME people to actually rethink their unrealistic and false views on relationships. Be glad to know that you have inspired at least one.

Word of advice for the future to save you your temper: DON'T post relationship issues online. Find a good friend next time, not a whole database of all KINDS of women, most of whom are not qualified in any form to comment in any way on any type of relationship.

God bless!!! :D

MommieDearest said...

@LaMaraVilla:

"Regardless, this is really a story that should have been kept to yourself. You made your husband look like an asshole and a bully."

This is why my grandmother says that you should never discuss your marriage with family and friends; because after you and your husband have made up, everybody else is still mad at him.

Winter said...

Autumn, you are very right! Some women are just willing to walk away over foolishness not realizing that there is a way to find compromise...a good marriage is worth every shot! Men can be insensitive but as long as you're not disrespected on a level that makes you feel less than the good woman, wife and mother that you are, there is no need to simply throw in the towel...no need to be hasty! i'm glad that you and your husband were able to find a happy medium that would make both of you happy because in a marriage, it's about the unit.

Be blessed!

Tahlove said...

Geez... So much negativity. Autumn, you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit. Whenever you share things in a public forum such as this it'll be subject to judgement... It's unfortunate though that so many readers seem to have missed the point entirely. We really need to do better...

Anonymous said...

I find this to be totally crazy!...That people can go off on the deep end on how someone's husband has deeper issues than what has been displayed, of course she didn't want to post the entire convo of what happened but the the major part of it was,, his view on his wife hair and how it made hime feel...Everyone's relationship is not the same. I don't think by a long shot that she is nieve about the situation at hand, I think she was understanding.... Men think waaaaayyyyy different than we(women)think. He wanted his sexy lady back(with the LONG HAIR DON'T CARE).LOL! It just made him not feel included in the dicision that she made, yes it is her head and hair but this is also his wife(booskie),his image of what make him feel like the most luckiest man in the WORLD! Girl, there is nothing wrong with your man, he aint cheating, he just want what also attracted him back! Thank you for sharing your story it has made me want to think differently as to how to approach ANYONE when it comes to natural hair. May God continue to bless your union of love and your children.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with Donna Dorrane, AusetAbena, and Fuzzpuff.

Plus:

"WE NEED TO SPLIT UP" If he didn't really say that, why emphasize it and put it in quotes??

"Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like."

If the above sentence was referring to the "we need to split up" comment, then why not put it right after it instead of a paragraph later?? You can't be mad at the commenters for misinterpreting an unclear post.

Good luck to you.

Crystal said...

Nobody sane would put themselves out there to cyber world to be picked over and scrutinized by mere strangers just to make a point about the way "natural hair" is viewed.
Most naturals on here have encountered some type of scrutiny from some person one time or another about their hair. I know I have.
You confirmed today what I knew yesterday that bits and pieces were missing from your story. I pray you received whatever affirmation you were looking for about your relationship when you wrote the initial post. Be real with yourself!

Anonymous said...

I guess my question is, did he actually say the 5 words "We need to split up"? Whatever the circumstances, if he said that to you and meant it, that is a problem and if he said that to you and didn't mean it, that is STILL a problem since you are 5 months pregnant and it was in the middle of your work day. I wish you all the best and hope that things work out, but like many of the posters, I am really worried for you...

Anonymous said...

I loved your original post. Mostly because I can totally relate to it. Unlike you, I do not love my hair yet. Just being honest and I swear that I'm working on it. My parents, friends, brothers and my fiance have all had negative things to say about me transitioning. They all love my hair before, as did I. I've made a personal choice and I plan to stick by it. My fiance hasn't gone this far, but he has offered to get me a relaxer quite a few times. He always says if you like it, I love it. I guess he'll object until I learn to like it, but until then I have to deal with his frowns every time I complain.

Anonymous said...

Im a smart girl but often things will get past me, like this story. From the beginning I was confused as to what the purpose was and now I am even more confused as to what the rebut is. Was the original post about hair, the importance of communication, marriage, pregnancy or just a story like "hey this happened to me what do you think?" Maybe if there was a qualifying statement to give insight as to what the purpose behind the story was there would be more understanding. I was confused by it all and with that I say Im over it and on to the next thing.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is,

DAYYUMM, People have some serious issues!!! WOW!
Lol!

Have a great day ladies!

Anonymous said...

To the anon poster who stated that it is all the unmarried women who are making negative comments and dragging this out.

Ummm, I'm not sure what you have been reading , but there are just as many married women posting their 2 cents about Autumn's post.

Married or unmarried, people are going to have opinions. Not everyone is going to agree with every opinion being posted. Jockeying for a certain position (or trying to seem more mature, evolved, intelligent because of your relationship status) by discounting someone's opinion due to their relationship status (which may be different than yours) is completely idiotic.
Being married (or unmarried) doesn't make you anything more or less than anyone else. It just makes you MARRIED to ONE person or UNMARRIED.

Anonymous said...

I'm so perturb by this whole situation. First if your first post was done in hyperbole and tongue and cheek way you failed to convey it. Secondly if your husband really did say "We need to split up" with you over your hair there's a major issue with your relationship. Yes we did past judgement because that what ppl do, that's how we create our morals and ethics, there's nothing wrong with pasting judgement. Also we past judgement with the information giving from YOUR own words. Don't get mad at us that you either failed at articulating yourself or that the commentators found issue with what your husband said.

Kimberly said...

First of all let me say, I didn't post on yesterday’s post. However, I feel the need to post today on the response. True Fact: if you place your business for the world to see, the majority of feedback you receive, you will not be in agreement with. For those of you that are saying only "single women with no children" are responding with negativity are wrong. I forwarded this post to both of my parents who have been married for over 30 years. They both felt like the husband was cruel and insensitive. My Father said the husband could've approached the situation in a better way and there must be some other underlying issue. So, now we're back to the real issue...FEELINGS. IMO, how someone feels or reacts to a certain situation; it depends on that individual. The same with the responses, we read both posts and everyone responded based upon their initial reaction. We’re not all going to be in agreement (regardless of the marital status or gender). Yes, I'm single with no children. However, I've been in a long term relationship for the past 5 years. Am I ready to get married? NO. I'm still trying to find out who I am and achieve goals that I have set for myself. I do understand that being married takes a lot of work and compromise. With that being said, if my husband can't see me for who I am and not what my hair looks like, we have a MAJOR problem. Love should be unconditional. With that being said, it can also be shallow. As my significant other, husband, boo, etc., you have a right to voice your opinion on how I look. I would like for you to be honest with me because your opinion does matter. The only thing I'm saying is choose your words very carefully and watch what you say to me. I have feelings just like you. The bad thing about words is once you say them...you can't take them back. All in all Autumn, I wish you and your husband nothing but the best. Only you know your husband and your situation. I applaud you for being so brave. I would not have posted this story for the world to judge me. I would've confided in my two BFF's, my parents....scratch that, not my parents. They would've had a fit if my husband said those things to me over my hair. Sometimes family can make a situation worse than what it is. At the end of the day, it's all about feelings and I'm glad you and your husband were able to sort through them together. I wish you much success, love and happiness (in my Al Green voice).

Anonymous said...

Attention seeking nonsense. Next!

Aishah said...

Not sure why yesterday's comments are being labeled as negative and as not valuing marriage. From what I read yesterday it's her husband doesn't value marriage...to offer up divorce as a solution to him not liking her hair? WTH For him to be ready to divorce over something as trivial as hair? (Though I think we all agree it was about more than hair)

Based on the story yesterday I think most of the comments made sense. Why stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you? A marriage is only worth fighting for if that's what both people want. So I guess Autumn actually got to the bottom of her husband's real issues and they were willing to work it out. Good for her!

But it's not anybody's place to say that I would have been wrong had I handled it differently. Personally I have VERY little tolerance for adults that don't know how to open their mouths and express their feelings. Letting your problems build up until you explode over something trivial does not make for a good marriage.

Real said...

Ok I dislike using the word stupid, but this is one of those times I have to go for it. Both articles are STUPID. Lacking information, truth and integrity. Written by a person that is having a internet tantrum, wants to be sided with and shown empathy or sympathy.
Autumn grow up!! Yesterday you threw the man under the bus and today you want to profess your love. This happened over a month ago and yet you still felt compelled to write it. Please after a month the events of this story have already changed in your mind 165K times and what happened probably wasn't even as close to what you stated in your original dialogue.
Stop putting the man you proclaim to love on blast. Trust his friend's wife has already read this and let your husband know. So now your marriage is on the rocks again.
Next time share this foolishness with your family members. I am Done!

Tlynnsmith said...

Yeah...I take issue with all this "married vs single" beef. First off, married women aren't necessarily the best advice givers...not simply because they're married. Wisdom is wisdom, regardless of whether or not you possess a wedding band/marriage license.

I've read foolishness from both sides. So, as always, it's up to the individual to sort and sift, and take what is good, and discard what is bad.

Secondly, compromise is not the default position for the woman. All men aren't insensitive and childish, so I'm not feelin' the "He just wanted his cutie pie back!", "You know how men are!" perspective. He's not three (is he?), and he needs to learn how to communicate responsibly, with consideration and kindness, and on an adult level. Men deserve more credit than that. Some of us expect way too little from them. They are capable of being kind, good, and patient. I may not be married, but I know that tricks are for kids, and marriage is not. So...

Finally,
Nope, NONE of us know the whole story. But if Autumn's husband got the broad "jerk" paint stroke, that's because Autumn presented him that way. Be accountable for what you say, and it's always best to think, before you leap.

Best wishes to you, Autumn.

Anonymous said...

Kimberly stand up and take a bow. Your words were very well thought out. You sound like a mature grounded person whose parents would be proud. I am happy to see that you pointed out the unnecessary shade that some married people have thrown towards some of the single ladies here. Your post further supports that being married doesn't necessarily bestow certain abilities and skills. Your post is one of the most mature ones that I have read- single OR married.

Sophie said...

now I am perplexed...
So did he or didn't he mention breaking up? Because that was what most people were getting hung up on. Expressing dramatic dislike is annoying, but certainly workable, but suggesting divorce was the thing that disturbed me. If he didn't actually say that, then maybe that should have been clearer in the original post. Again, I am impressed/inspired by the fact that you very plainly refuse to let this problem break up your family, but I think we've just now seen your husband as a huge troll by example, but we just have your word that your marriage is full of love. It might have been helpful if the original post wasn't like "my husband said unkind things to me, he threatened to leave, he's comparing my behavior to that of his friend's wife, on and on... and oh by the way he actually loves me a lot, you just can't tell from a single thing I said." people might have been able to understand it better. Honestly this all still makes me unhappy. I think this response could have said something about what is good about your marriage *despite* this bump. I also find the "men are visual" excuse silly. Sure, I understand that men are often attracted to what they see, but those things change. You will age. Heaven forbid, what if you get a disfiguring injury? And no one say that it would be different because you can't fix that, because if men are so visual that they can't think about anything but their wife being beautiful by some standard they set, they won't magically be able to tolerate burns or scars. Attraction may be much more visual in men than in women, but LOVE should be much deeper. This also ignores the fact that when he met you, you weren't his partner of five years, you weren't the mother of his child(ren)... you've *gained* these qualities, and just lost this aesthetic thing and it doesn't balance out? I think perhaps it just isn't possible to properly communicate the situation via blogs, because Autumn seems like a reasonable, strong, lady, but I still don't get it.

WineGrrl said...

I still think he should have just bought a sports car.

Keni said...

All I wish to say as someone who is married and had relaxed long hair for a number of years, that when I BC after we got married it was a little shocking to my husband and can be to any man with little or no experience seeing a woman care for her natural hair. I eased in with a short and styled cut and then little by little grew out the relaxer. He did give me looks like, whoa as my hair changed but said he still felt I looked beautiful to him and he could see where I was trying to go on my natural hair journey. I think the writer's story was nice and that however she chose to tell her story is fine. Yes, people will put in their two cents but that is to be expected. Don't care what everyone else has to say. Like some like to say, do you boo boo. I enjoyed the story and I am glad you found a deeper meaning to his words, kept your hair natural, and kept your marriage strong. That's all that matters.

Anonymous said...

"YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE CRAIG, YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE"

Did the following really happen?

1. Called you home from work to talk?
2. Where you pregnant?
3. Did he say he wanted to split over your hair?
4. Did he say his friends wife was more of woman than you because she cut her hair?

If the 4 things above a happened. It doesn't matter if you only told us a "flash" story. If you would have wrote a book about it, because of the aforementioned events your husband comes off looking like an ass.

How can you justify your husband saying another woman was better than you because she cut her hair off?

How can you justify him saying we need to split up while you're pregnant?

I'll wait...

Anonymous said...

Wow! YOU chose to post a story, a very personal one, and people commented disagreeing or giving their honest opinions (based on their experiences and/or way of thinking) and now you are upset about the way people reacted. Just wow. Really?! Seriously.

I agree with these comments from today:
"From the beginning I was confused as to what the purpose was and now I am even more confused as to what the rebut is."

"Attention seeking nonsense. Next!"

Next time, don't put your business out there especially if you are looking for people to agree with you.

Let's move on please.

Oh, and get some counseling. It appears that there may be a communication issue between you and your spouse. Or are you just always this overly dramatic? Best of luck to you.

CARAY said...

AT DONNA D.

HIGH FIVE....I TOTALLY AGREE~!

Anonymous said...

100% TiAnnaMae and mmhaiti!

Lost in translation

Anonymous said...

Ppl are still going in...wow. Let's move on people! Next haircare topic please! :-)

Jmom said...

Not trying to be mean, but, WHY would you put this on the INTERNET for EVERYONE to see? This is sooo personal and then we have your picture, so if anyone knows you and happens to browse across this site, they will know all your business and will happily spread it around.

I can't imagine that your husband would appreciate you telling the world all these things about a fight you guys had, and if he already knows you did it, well, that's another issue in itself. It would be so embarrassing for me for everyone to know the immature way my husband sometimes acts when we're alone (not that he ever said anything like that to me). Married couples fight, sometimes over trivial things that become bigger things. Everyone does it but not everyone has to know about it.

On a side note, if this happened a month ago and it's still bothering you enough to still be talking about it, then it hasn't been settled like you say that it has. Maybe you and him should consider revisiting this whole issue, this time with professional help.

Congrats on the baby and take care of yourself and your family.

Anonymous said...

Autumn, I just read your first post, and it is obvious that your intent was to stir up drama. You wanted the comments on your post to do numbers, so you said things to provoke a strong, negative response from the readers. Your choice of language deliberately exploited two controversial issues: marriage/obeying yo' man and hair. Why people are taking you seriously? I don't know.

Anonymous said...

I think that it is important to really know who you are marrying. There are men who place a very high value on appearance (straight hair, certain body type, etc). For these men, outer beauty is more important than any other qualities. They choose a woman because she's beautiful (to them) and that's enough for them. Beauty equals love. These type of men don't get deep with it. They judge people based on physical appearance alone and they are concerned with what other men think. So if the love is based on physical appearance then it makes sense that he would issue that ultimatum get a relaxer or I'm leaving you. Also it makes sense that he would look at another man's wife and compare. That's what those type of men are concerned with: appearances. It's important to know what your potential mates values are to avoid a situation like this.

Mikeisha said...

Dear Autumn,

Thanks for sharing your story. It's not often people are brave enough to open their lives to the public and I'm glad you did. I would give my opinion but it doesn't matter and neither do the opinions of anyone else on here because they are only words and only you can give them meaning. I think sometimes we as women forget (I am guilty of this) how harsh the world is and we open ourselves hoping that everyone will realize that this bad situation was just a bump in the road. We all live in glass houses, some people just paint their windows! That being said communication is the most important thing in any relationship yet it is the hardest thing to master, we all fumble at times.

Anonymous said...

I really think this is something you should not have put out for the world to see...it's the type of situation where you really need to know ALOT of details and the way it was presented was pretty intense and it affected those who read it. Anything to do with your marraige, if you want advice, you have to present ALOT of info...that's why you only discuss it with a counselor and very very close family and friends.

I know you thought it would be something great for the natural community but the details you gave us were just troubling that it took complete attention away from the uplifting moral of the story you wanted to share.

You took a serious gamble posting about it especially since you put your face and name out there with it and now it's all over the internet. :/ I really do wish your family the best, noone wishes a family to break up for any reason.

Anonymous said...

I think this is being done for attention. Glad it worked out.

I'm over it....

Anonymous said...

I appreciate your honesty about your relationship and it's issues, but you had to expect some of the comments. I applaud you for fighting for your marriage, it is far to easy to just give up.

I will close with this, this is the type of issue that may be best shared with a really close girlfriend, marriage counselor or no one at all if you can't take the negativity. I have girlfriends for different reasons and know which one who will tell me to leave and who will tell me to fight and which one will be waiting in the bushes to cut him for acting up...LOL

The best advise ever given to me for my marriage, is to keep your business in your house.

Again, you are very brave, beautiful and I admire your strength for putting this out there...

Anonymous said...

I cannot relate to this story at all. My husband must be a unicorn because he was the one that put the thought of going natural in my mind. He does get tired of me talking about my hair, but he loves my hair. Reading through these comments, I am beginning to understand why black/black marriages have such high divorce rates. Every man will get tired of a doormat.

Bridget said...

Autumn you are an amazing woman! I think many women could learn from how you handled the situation and maintained your marriage and family. I know that I am better from reading how you dealt with the conflict in your relationship. Although my boyfriend is quite supportive of my natural hair, there are other issues that arise in our relationship that we don't see eye to eye on, but I understand that compromise is the key. I also understand that men think and operate differently from women and we should keep that in mind in addressing their concerns. You are very mature in how you dealth with the situation and I believe that you will be blessed with many years of marital bliss because of it. Stay positive and thanks for sharing.

Jax said...

I started to comment yesterday and then felt uncomfortable by both the invitation to comment and the flood of harsh and in some cases, paranoid comments (nanny cam!!) I felt like the husband has a right to express that he found Automn's hair unattractive (sometimes truth is ugly) but that shouldn't instigate a marital crisis. Since my big chop in January 2010, my SO has commented that he liked my natural style better than the braids and twists (with extensions) that I transitioned with....so far so good.....but when I commented that I thought he cut his hair too low on each trim, he responded that he doesn't see me paying attention to the fact that he has expressed a dislike for braids (this is also true, and I hadn't even questioned my right to comment on HIS hair, yet, I am fiercely feminist, and reject the idea of looking to a man for approval of my clothing choices). The great thing is that even with braids, his attraction for me never waned and he didn't feel like he had the right to push his opinion on me. I am disappointed by the preachy, judgmental and paranoid tone of some of the commenters, but you know waht, Autumn? this is reflective of the kind of responses you might have received had you gone exclusively to a cross section of your female friends/sisters/mature women confidantes...there's ALWAYS one (my Mom for example) who suspects there's more to a every bump in a relationship (other woman? etc).

Most of all, I think Autumn wanted validation from her fellow forum sisters that this clash of beauty standards within a relationship CAN be handled with grace for a win-win conflict resolution. Soooo unnecessary to say that this was an exercise in attention seeking, yadda yadda.....I am single, in a relationship, and as an attorney, have handled more divorces than I care to remember, and regretted in almost every case, that the parties couldn't realize that marriage is about endurance, patience, kindness, forgiveness. My grandparents were married for 50+ years, my parents for 30 years (friends apres le divorce for 13 years and counting) and I know many other marriages that have survived betrayals of one form or another. Marriage is not for the faint of heart or those who would quickly suggest leaving a man with one toddler and a baby on the way because he said crazy things one day out of a five year marriage.

PS, I hope Autumn and her hubby laugh about this wrinkle in their relationship 40 years from now....

Anonymous said...

I like this follow up and totally respect your relationship and how you two managed to get over this hump. I wish your relationship nothing but the best until forever. That said, I do think that, rather than being negative yesterday, most commenter's were expressing their [genuine and valid] concern for you. Comments of all nature are what results when you opt to share such a deeply personal story [and we all know, it's skating on thin ice whenever anyone speaks about their spouse in a not- so -great light. Don't do it with friends, don't do it with family, don't do it with strangers, especially.] Peoples' concerns and 2 cents, again, was the feedback you chanced when sharing such a controversial story, which, surely you knew. It wasn't that people suggested that hair was worth ruining a marriage over-- but that perhaps his hastiness or insensitivity or lack of communication skills might be problematic both now and later. This would be the *positive* way to interpret the hundreds of comments you received yesterday. That said, only you know your hubby and only you lived every day pre- and post "I want to split up"-- so you have a lot more sensible insight into your marriage. Good luck with everything and I wish you both much hair versatility, lol. :)

kelly said...

I agree with Anonymous at 4:28 pm. There is a real lack of communication and focus on everyone's part here (the OP, the husband in the story, and the commenting crew). I feel like the writer did a poor job expressing that her story was merely summary of the fallout that occurred when she heard her husband said “WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.”

And this part right here, copied & pasted direct from the source, didn't really explain if she was summing up WHAT SHE THOUGHT SHE HEARD HIM SAY (projecting/assumptions)...or if he actually said those things.... or merely, the blog was a portrayal of how his words impacted her. In other words, this is how HOW HE MADE ME FEEL (which are all very dramatically different things!)

Read it again, in case ya'll don't want to click back:

***
He never wanted me to go natural. He doesn’t like “nappy” hair. He likes straight hair. He felt that I had totally ignored his feelings by going natural in the first place, but the fact that I’ve stayed natural, despite his disdain, is even worse. It doesn’t matter that everyone else around us likes my hair. He is my husband and his opinion should matter most. When he married me I had long, straight hair. He’s not attracted to me anymore because of my hair, and therefore he felt that the best solution was to split up, instead of being disgusted with the sight of me daily. But if I straighten my hair (it doesn’t have to be a relaxer), then everything will be ok and go back to normal. Blah, blah, blah. SN: Just the week before, his close friend’s wife chemically relaxed her hair after a year of being natural because she couldn’t stand the negative feedback from her husband.

Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words.

****

Use of quotes around that 2nd major paragraph, if in fact he said those things would have prevented the barrage of emotional comments that followed the blog. **OR** simply clarify that hubby's original, shocking statement is what caused you to feel as outlined in the 2nd paragraph.

Communications 101 and Grammar 101. Back to the basics folks! But seriously, it is just hair. So why are we still getting worked up over it in 2011? Woooooosaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awkard said...

People read Autumns foolishness before posting that others suggested that she should divorce him over her hair. That clown she is married to was the one that suggested divorce over "Her Beautiful Hair." Reading is fundamental people read what she stated her BOO said. Splitting up was uttered by him. What in the Hades is that if not a weekend pass? and things are still in awkard mode in that house or she would not be sharing this a month later - Just saying!

brianna said...

"Our love story is sweet and full of depth, not bitter and shallow. Marriage in this country is being downplayed something fierce, as evident in how fast most commenters said they would let their marriage and their children’s two-parent household just…dissolve."

I understand that a man might be insensitive, but lets be real here. He took the time out of his day to tell her he wanted to split up over her hair. If the love is so deep and real, then why is he suggesting dumping you when you are pregnant. Men say cruel things, but what he said I have never heard in my life.

Anonymous said...

I will admit I was initially really turned off by the 1st post. I really don't get how a man could love you unconditionally and be turned off by something as trivial as hair. I honestly don't think there's anything PHYSICALLY I could do that will make my husband turn away call me naiive but I've either been there or asked the questions. And he's never said he's in love with my hair..he just doesn't seem to care much at all which is fine by me in comparison to your husband or other men.

It's the other things that I think make men turn away or isolate themselves. Maybe he feels unappreciated or something and it manifested itself thru the hair thing. You sound like a smart woman and I'm sure he's smart as well so throwing away your family over hair seems illogical. I believe there's other emotional issues you need to get to the bottom of...therapy maybe? But I'm not Curly Nikke, the psychotherapist. lol

I completely agree about not throwing away your marriage and staying to fight for your family. My pride would've probably taken me another direction initially but it's commendable that you were mature enough to reealize that a children were in the midst.
Kudos to you Autumn!!

deep.honey said...

*rolls eyes* She should have kept her story to herself if she was going to justify her husband's poor treatment and denigration of her choice to be natural. I wish her the best anyway.

Anonymous said...

Work out your marriage - - you, hubby and God, not you, hubby, and the forum. Your story was brave, but nonetheless, you opened up a can of worms when you invited the public in. There will always be those for and against you in any given situation. Yes, it is just hair, but in our culture, we forget that this small extension of ourselves is a part of our appearance, which should be appreciated and respected. You were a permie or flat ironed for a while, and now you have gone back to your natural roots. Your struggles with your hair should be shared and enjoyed by both you and hubby. Give hubby time to adjust, but don't take that regettable walk down divorce lane because of it. For better or for worse...no matter how trivial. I've been married for 26 years, and my husband and I have aruged from the trivial to the important, but we kept our problems between us and the Lord, and we worked them out. I applaud you for your natural hair journey, and your constitution about it. By the way, my husband endorsed my transition from the perm to natural wholeheartedly because I was on a quest to be totally healthy from head to toe. Keep the faith in yourself, your hair, and your marriage. Your husband is not shallow or a tyrant, he's just been brainwashed like the lot of us about how we should look (long, flowing hair). Take care of yourself first, those babies, and hubby too.

MsAfriKanaChiC said...

I dont think people are taking away the real essence of the point she was trying to get across.

From the story I came to this conclusion: Sometimes, especially in relationships, people say drastic things to try to get their feelings/opinions/needs/wants met. YES we can say her husband was wrong for being so drastic but we should be looking at how she responded.

Instead of overreacting and being equally dramatic (letting go of her marriage with ease) she chose to think logically and understand that there was more going on with her husband than these words about hair. And as a result they have taken steps to move forward.

As women with natural hair we do tend to be very sensitive about issues of disliking our hair choice especially when it comes to those we love. But I do believe that is no means to not try to work through it with those we love who may or may not understand our decision (or those who do but just want to take out their own frustrations on us by insulting us about our hair) Her sharing this story was an example of that & I applaud her for it.

Good luck with your marriage, new baby and what life has in store for you.

MelMelBee said...

I'm SOOOOOOOO grateful that GOD is the only one who can judge me and that HIS will is PERFECT!

Anonymous said...

Instead of over reacting and being equally dramatic, she handled it in a mature fashion, held onto to her marriage and then came to the internet to publically broadcast her version of the story. . . and make her husband look pretty bad in the process.
Not judging here, but I don't think that can possibly be good for even the healthiest of marriages (whatever that is).

But, hey, whatever floats your boat. If you're cool, I'm cool! Lol!

bloggingwhilenursing said...

I love this rebuttal for the comments that was posted for your previous posts. I agree, there are times when our men are insensitive with they express themselves; that's just because they express themselves differently.

I didn't really see it as throwing your husband under the bus, he was just picking an argument because he wanted something to change, instead of just coming out and saying it.

Guys do that sometimes. *shrugs* women do it too.

It's great to see that you're marriage is solid and you and your husband are still in love.

Thank you for sharing this.

Anonymous said...

Autumn,
Seeing this is over a hundred posts deep I am pretty sure you will never see this. I appreciate your courage in sharing, people who are bashing you for sharing are missing the point. They are entitled to their opinions, but people are so quick to judge when they have never been in a similar situation. I am in a relationship and we are past the honey moon stage and into the "dealing with what i don't like about you" stage. So I appreciate your post!

Anonymous said...

everyone needs to stop paying attention to this fool. First she put her husband on the spot.(this is the internet, that means the shit u post lives FOREVER)....then runs to defend him. REAL BLACK MEN KNOW THEY HAVE THE SAME NAPPY HAIR GROWING OUT THEIR OWN DAMN HEADS. Smh.
Divorce over hair. Telling strangers ur buisness a month later. If u really worked it out, you wouldnt be telling us this story. stop with the lies. I find this story hard to believe too. 5 years of marriage n he is unable to just ask her if she would flat iron her hair every once in a bluemoon. I dont use heat but to each their own so this is just odd. I agree with the above posters. She just wants attention. Lets all go do something productive like a castor oil treatment, n leave this women to her mess.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I don't see anything "brave" about airing your dirty laundry for thousands of strangers. It's foolish, actually.

Anonymous said...

so i havent read the 100 plus comments yet but imma stick with what i said yesterday. and honestly i didn't think the responses were that bad, some of the responses on vashtie were def worse lol. i think the response could have been expected given the title of ur post, the framing of what went down and ur lovey dovey obviously sugar coated conclusion. anybody with goddamn sense who been in a marriage/committed relationship can tell u there is more in the mortar than the pestle and im sure lots of single folk with some sense and intuition can too. it could be factually true or it could be the way u portrayed ur man but either way u did that. i personally would not have done that (ie put my man on blast like that on the www, on curly nikki to boot) and im almost certain ur response is because he caught wind of the whole shebang, u got an earful and now u come out fighting for ur man when u created the whole mess in the first place.

been with my man 10 years and i can put my head on a block and assure u he will never fix his mouth to tell me he is leaving me and abandoning his children over some goddamn hair. he also wont EVER be comparing me to his friend wife and telling me she is better. just not happening. if u fine with that all i can say is do u. we are at the point where if i gained 300lbs, wore a weave everyday (which he HATES) and didnt sex him more than 4 times a year, he STILL wouldnt be fixing his mouth to say some foolishness like that, especially not when im pregnant and in the middle of my work day. lmao im just saying but hey different strokes for different folks. marriage to me is supposed to be about UNCONDITIONAL love, if he dont love u unconditionally, dont marry him ladies!

Anonymous said...

And let the church say...

Prinie said...

What I liked about your story is your willingness to work on your marriage. That's what stood out to me. I've never been married but I know that all marriages are different. I've met many who are very willing to just dissolve a marriage and who don't believe in the sanctity of marriage. Personally, I don't know what to say to either side. But if you two are willing to work on the marriage to continue to grow in love and positivity then I'm rooting for your success Autumn. May God bless you and continue to shine his light upon you. :)

Nicole Updegraff said...

Autumn,
I too am sure you won't see this but girl you are telling the truth!! My husband and I have been together 10 years, married almost 7 and he does NOT like my natural hair!

There, I said it!

He knows why I did it. He respects why I did it. I wrote a children's book called "I LOVE my Cotton Candy Hair!" and he's SO proud of me for it. He hates seeing little girls with straightened hair. He LOVES that my daughters now love their kinky curls and would blow his top if someone dared tell one of them they would look prettier w/ straight hair. But he likes the way I look with straight hair. Period. He's not mean about it and he doesn't harp on it, but he has been truthful with me about his feelings regarding my hair. It doesn't make him love me less or value me less and it definitely doesn't make him a horrible person! It just means he likes what he likes. That's all. And just like going natural was an adjustment for me, like it was for most of us who made the transition from relaxed to natural, it's an adjustment for him.

The only negative thing I saw in this post was that your hubby was insensitive in how he communicated his feelings to you... that part needs work (I'm saying that with love)... but those of us who are married- check that- HAPPILY married with HAPPY spouses know that our spouses feelings are important. We have to recognize them.

Hell, sometimes my husband wants me to wear heels in bed... is that my thing? NO! That shit is uncomfortable!! But I surprise him w/ some 4" stunnas from from time to time cause I care about making him happy, and he knows it.
And although I haven't straightened my hair in over a year, I think I'm gonna straighten it for him on Saturday for his birthday. Why? Cause I care about making him happy! And I'm no less of a woman nor am I less natural or less serious about my journey because of it.

Kudos to you Autumn for being honest and sharing something so personal. And EXTRA kudos for how you handled that situation.

Anonymous said...

Autumn, I am so happy you posted the 2nd story. I have been married for 3.5 years and wth my husband for 4.5 years. When I met him I had short relaxed hair, that was colored blond. A year after having my 1st child I had shedding really bad and it seemed like my perms never took and I was also working out pretty heavily at that time. So I decided to big chop in the hopes of hiding my thin hair and to give it a rest from the perms. At the time my husband didn't say very much so I went on to think things were ok. Well after two years of being natural he said that he HATED my hair when I initially big chopped but dealt with it becasue I was his wife. I say all this to say that as wives we often make changes to our appearance and never consult our husbands, the ones who wake up to us every morning! We all have reasons why we wre attracted to our mates and we have to keep those things in mind. Marriage is not a game and not something to throw away because we are mad or someone said something to hurt the other person's feelings. Marriage is hard work and dedication! We can love all day and night, but without work and a desire to make things work marriages eventually fail.

Anonymous said...

When I saw this I thought no not another one. To anon @737 I so agree. Let's get back to co washing and castor oil...far more interesting.

Anonymous said...

Seriously though, if your original story is true, then your husband didn't want to split up with you over some "hair". Trust, it was MORE THAN THAT.

But you carry on girl. Believe what WORKS for you. *waves bye*

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 7:54

You betta PREACH!!

Anonymous said...

Oops.
@ Nicole Updegraff

Girl..YOU betta preach!!

Anonymous said...

@Anon 7:42
"been with my man 10 years and i can put my head on a block and assure u he will never fix his mouth to tell me he is leaving me and abandoning his children over some goddamn hair. he also wont EVER be comparing me to his friend wife and telling me she is better. just not happening. if u fine with that all i can say is do u. we are at the point where if i gained 300lbs, wore a weave everyday (which he HATES) and didnt sex him more than 4 times a year, he STILL wouldnt be fixing his mouth to say some foolishness like that, especially not when im pregnant and in the middle of my work day"

P-r-e-a-c-h Sister! Amen! Now that's how to love your mate, not all this superficial crap being repackaged as "deep, sweet...." Yeah, whateva.

Anonymous said...

Don't post your problems,ask people to weigh in and then get mad about what others say. You put it out there.

Anonymous said...

MommieDearest said: "This is why my grandmother says that you should never discuss your marriage with family and friends; because after you and your husband have made up, everybody else is still mad at him."

SO much word...I had to tell a friend this not too long ago. I can't even look at her husband the same way because I know WAYYY more about his private business than I should...and it's all because she put their marriage issues on Front Street.

Anon 10/26 4:28 pm said: "I do think that, rather than being negative yesterday, most commenter's were expressing their [genuine and valid] concern for you. Comments of all nature are what results when you opt to share such a deeply personal story [and we all know, it's skating on thin ice whenever anyone speaks about their spouse in a not- so -great light. Don't do it with friends, don't do it with family, don't do it with strangers, especially.] Peoples' concerns and 2 cents, again, was the feedback you chanced when sharing such a controversial story, which, surely you knew. It wasn't that people suggested that hair was worth ruining a marriage over-- but that perhaps his hastiness or insensitivity or lack of communication skills might be problematic both now and later. This would be the *positive* way to interpret the hundreds of comments you received yesterday."

+1000...and I was one of those people who didn't scream "LEAVE HIM!!" but said that the situation was a symptom of something deeper that needed to be pursued. I said this out of GENUINE CONCERN for Autumn.

I don't know if she was really clueless as to how her first post came across, or if she wrote it in a deliberate grasp for attention / page views for CN (and elsewhere...the story is already on the move and will be online FOREVER) but either way, both posts should serve as a lesson to others in how the written word can manipulate feelings in readers. Just because somebody has an Internet connection and a keyboard doesn't mean they know how to use it in a coherent manner. Also, there are still plenty of critical thinkers out here who are perfectly able to read between the lines and offer measured, reasoned opinions. It's not nice to mess with readers' heads...

(Anybody taking bets on the subject of her next post? Maybe her husband should chime in...to defend himself and maybe (gasp) his WIFE)

Crazy said...

Autumn Crazy and trying to get a platform on somebody talk show (so i guess she smart too)LOL - all i can say about this ish is work your 15 minutes of fame CHICA LOL

Anonymous said...

@Jax at 4:00 "Marriage is not for the faint of heart or those who would quickly suggest leaving a man with one toddler and a baby on the way because he said crazy things one day out of a five year marriage."

Hmmm, I think he was the one that suggested how quickly he would leave her unless she met his demands. We were simply expressing our view that this woman should really be concerned by her husband's callous and irresponsible behavior. Somehow, we seem to easily excuse his behavior without any evidence that he has worked on his issues, or that he has appologized, or that he has made amends to her for his demeaning and disrespectful behavior.

Anonymous said...

i must say it is intriguing how many women on here seem to think it is their job to be long suffering in a relationship with a disrespectful, inconsiderate rude manchild. ladies there are plenty of men out there who know how to communicate their feelings appropriately. if ur only interactions with males have left u with the impression that all men behave like autumn's man in this situation (selfish, inconsiderate, rude and manipulative), yall need more ppl. like seriously, do adult men at ur job communicate like this? in ur family? at church? at the supermarket? i dont get it. one of the fundamentals in a relationship is mutual respect. u are a wife not a mother. yes sometimes we have to be the bigger person and i quite appreciate some ppl will fight and stick it out in a marriage no matter what, but that does not absolve the smaller person from being a douchebag of epic proportions. please lets be real. if u happen to LIKE douches well that's fine by me but please quit it with the excuses about men will be men. that is a gross inaccurate generalization. maybe if u raised ur expectations and gave men some CREDIT they would treat u better. i have YET to be in a relationship with a man who would dare speak to/ treat me like this.

Anonymous said...

Marriage is two becoming one. Your money,time,and body are no linger yours. By accepting a proposal you invite your spouse yo have a vote in every decision you make.
You owe it to your spouse to discuss any major decisions. Imagine if instead of cutting off your hair you decided on a breast reduction or breast implants in spite of your spouse's objections? Or what if your husband decided he wanted to wear cornrowed extensions. Im not sayinh that you automatically do what your spouse wants,just give them the respect of listening to their opinion and weighing that against your personal wants.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, there is nothing "brave", "beautiful", or "amazing" about this story. Either you lied about your husband in the first post, you're lying about your husband now, or you just are melodramatic
sigh. Get some therapy.
Nikki, please, no more drama seekers.

Anonymous said...

It bothers me that there are so many women on here talking about "holding on" to the marriage seemingly at the cost of your dignity and self-respect.

LeLe23 said...

Its funny to me how mad people are getting at this post! LOL if your comment is 3 paragraphs long... you are doing the most and need to find a hobby! Autumn, congrats on making your marriage work.

Chris said...

Autumn, People treat you the way you allow them to. You regard your hair as "nappy, peasy (your original blog) and therefore your husband refers to it the same way. Your not comfortable with your hair and people around you and your husband know it. I have had one person tell me to comb my hair since I have been natural and HE was the first & last. I deem my hair as beautiful and therefore others do as well (and the ones that don't may think it but won't say it). Respect! Learn to love your hair and stop refering to your hair as NAPPY. That word normally triggers discontent and disgust . Stop putting your marital business on the internet (which I don't think this story is true, you just wanted to stir up some drama ). How can you ask for positive feedback (Wade Boggs) when you started with negative dialogue. If there is truth to this story seek counseling.

Anonymous said...

um,whoa, whoa, whoa..... I knew that there was gonna be a second post. what i didn't know was that sista was gonna try and clap back.
so, you didn't think that you were making him seem like a complete arse?
so, you didn't think that people were gonna give their feedback? when u asked for it?
and now, i have a question:
Did you only put that post up so
a.) your hubby would look like a jerk
b.)we would all come to your defense and tell
how you beautiful you are so
c.)you could show this to him as a response, like "see, OTHER people like it-" and
d.) that may have backfired when he saw you put your bidness out here?
e) just like the previous post and this post seemed to have backfired?
hmm....seems like there's a cat in the hen house to me.
But nevermind, you probably don't want my opinion.....smh.

Anonymous said...

...dropped the mic and walked away. Really?? Next post please!!

SwirlieCurlies said...

Autumn's hubby stating that he does not like his wife's "nappy" hair ( or any man saying they don't like their wife's nappy hair) is no different from a situation such as this...

this analogy maybe a bit far -fetched but...what if a woman rocks green colored contacts (non prescription) just because ( ie Jen Williams from BBW but her's are grey). Then one day she decides that she just wants to go without her contacts and rock her natural brown eyes all the time. &her hubby's says "oh babe do you mind rockin you green contacts more often because i'm not really feelin brown"..hellooo??

anywho it's not my life, my hair, or my hubby. Autumn did what was best for her and her fam and that's all that really matters.

Anonymous said...

I think that she handled the situation rather maturely! I don't think I would have reacted so kindly towards my husband or boyfriend, if he wanted to leave me, while I was carrying his child, over my decision to finally accept my natural hair. It all sounds highly superficial and suspect! But, if you are happy and everything worked out well for you and your husband, more power to you! It is your business, so I really could care less!

Anonymous said...

I think it's funny how one person said there shouldn't be any more comments after hers.

Also, if you are passionate about what you are saying and it's four paragraphs long, it doesn't mean you need to get a hobby.

I think this comment was odd too:
"He hates seeing little girls with straightened hair. He LOVES that my daughters now love their kinky curls and would blow his top if someone dared tell one of them they would look prettier w/ straight hair. But he likes the way I look with straight hair. Period"

HUH??!!!!
Is that the same thing as saying "natural hair looks good on everybody except you. I don't think you are as pretty with natural hair as everybody else is"

I have asked my niece to read the post and I talked to my mom about it.

Hey Autumn, why don't you tell your husband that you are leaving him when he starts to go bald because he used to have a head full of hair (that's if he had hair when you met)

Patrice said...

Wow...this is kinda harsh...although i think hubby's comeback was BS and there are other issues. She has a right to defend her hubby. I got mine and would probably defend him to the end too, but that's why I don't put his dumb sh** out there; cause like one person said...When I'm not mad at him anymore, everyone else will still be. Autumn, I think you doing the right thing by standing by your man, but this is a good lesson learned. BTW, i hope he hasn't read you article and responses, cause if he has....YOU IN TROUBLE!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

People can sure talk a lot of ying yang about what you should do, what they would have done, etc. I bet truth be told, a lot of these women have put up with much worse while throwing serious judgment on you.

One doesn't have to be the sharpest knife in the drawer to figure out this was more than just about hair. There are two sides to the story and then there is the truth.

I hope you two work it out. Marriage isn't like no tissue where you blow in it and just toss it. These unrealistic fairy tale females should really get a grip. My only complaint, unless you are being abused, your marriage business is between you and your husband and maybe a few in your circle you can trust and who really want to help you. See, you put your dirt out there and when you are ready to move on and have reconciled, others are still holding on to what happened.

Betcha dollars to donuts, many posting here have never been married and with their attitudes, they never will or will be divorced in a short time cause they have NO IDEA about what it takes to make a marriage work.

Anonymous said...

IS THIS CURLY NIKKI RELATED. THIS SEEMS LIKE SOME MAURY POVICH ISH. GIVE HIM A LIE DETECTOR TEST. YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TO WRITE A STORY AND THEN SEND IN CORRECTIONS A DAY LATER. HE DOESNT LIKE YOUR NAPPY HAIR LIKE YOU SAID THE FIRST TIME. THAT FIRST STORY WAS LONG. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT YOU WERE WRITING. YOU ARE PREGNANT, NOT DEF. AINT NO SUBSTITUTE FOR THE TRUTH, EITHER IT IS OR IT ISNT.

FINALLY WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH BY SUBMITTING THIS TWICE TO CURLY NIKKI. THE FACT THAT YOU WROTE IT LETS US KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT THERES GONNA BE TROUBLE. STRAIGHT STYLES... PLEASE. COME AGAIN NEGRO. YOUR HUSBANDS WIFE IS WHAT... MMMM #DISRESPECTFUL YOU A GROWN A** MAN AND CANT COMMUNICATE. I DONT F******** THINK SO.

Anonymous said...

Some of the married women in here are totally crazy! So, you can throw shade at single women, (who are currently unmarried for WHATEVER reason) and claim that because they comment and express total disdain for what this woman expressed about her man, they are "doomed to be single and/or divorced"- as of being single or divorced is soooo terrible.

Apparently, some of you heifers will eat shi- out of can to still be able to say you are married- in a shell of a marriage, with an a--hole =, but still married. I find that totally pathetic, but that's just me.

Good luck with all that. :0

Cory said...

Been single, married, divorced, dating. But I don't need a child to believe perms are bad for children or to have been in the Vietnam War to believe that it was horrible. Everyone's view points are valid!

'Making a marriage work' as some self-righteous married posters have implied is NOT condoning abusive and demeaning behavior by the one you love. Some of you sound insane for disparaging the replies chastising the husband for his craven attempt to walk out on a pregnant woman and Autumn's pitiful response.

He wanted to divorce the 5 month pregnant mother of his child....the comments I read and heard from others I showed the article to were that he wants out and will still find a way.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:43am

You keepin' it real and all the way live in the TROOOF!! LOL! Go ahead on, girl!

Anonymous said...

BTW - I read the NY TImes article cited above. It's about some woman whose husband abruptly told her he didn't love her anymore and wanted to leave. She says she told him she'd give him 6 months to work through his issues, but that she "wouldn't let him leave the family and hurt everyone". (They have some kids and had been married for over20 yrs.) She said she treated him like a child who was having a tantrum and gave him space and didn't seriously acknowledge what he said because he was in pain over stuff that had nothing to do with her or the kids.
He eventually came around and "let the family know he was gonna stay" ( 6 months later) by giving thanks for his family at a Thanksgiving dinner. This was her way of fighting for her family.

No follow up was given (this article was published in 2009.)

Anonymous said...

I think it's quite interesting that people are up in arms that she chose to respond to her post. The same way you think she should have expected comments don't you think your response has the right to receive rebuttal too. Only dish it if you can take it. I also don't get the confusion to the reason for her post. Do we not discuss various life experiences for advice and also to show others how we handled it? Her story had a clear resolution to me. She had a bump involving marriage and hair, possibly more, she shared the details relevant to a hair blog, and she and her husband came to a resolution. No, I don't think she should have just shared it with a girlfriend, because someone else will benefit from this story, even if you don't. Also, simply stating your opinion doesn't need to be rude.
Autumn, thank you for your honesty and classiness in both posts.

Anonymous said...

The divorce rate is so high because more women are now insisting on being treated as an equal in marriage, with mutual respect and admiration AND are no longer financially dependent on a man. They have the will and means to leave when this does not pan out to be the case.
The reality is that our society has not caught up to the fact that the economic and emotional dynamic between men and women has changed and this century is not like your grandma's. Unfortunately, some folk never got the memo. Lol!
For better or for worse never meant only for one partner. It was always meant to include both partners in a marriage. It takes T W O willing (and sane) partners to make a marriage suitable and comfortable enough for both to stay in it.

Anonymous said...

Putting intimate details of your marriage on a hair board is not classy. Giving inaccurate details for sympathy is not classy. Making your husband look like a feminine hygiene product or covering for a husband who is a feminine hygiene product is not classy.

I thought this from the first post, "this is not about hair." And because its not about hair, the details are shaky, and the narrator unreliable, it does not belong here.

Anonymous said...

I feel like there's a whole mess of things going on in this story, and I agree with others that say we more than likely don't have all the details.

HOWEVER, I believe that Autumn provided us with the bare bones details. At the very least, what SHE decided to share were the most essential elements in HER mind. I applaud her for fighting for her marriage, and I agree that all too often marriages are thrown out at the first sign of trouble these days. Guys behave stupidly (as do women -- we're all human) and can have major issues communicating their true feelings. The fact that she felt compelled to sit down and get to the "root" of the problem is wonderful. A family, complete with two children is really not worth losing over hair.

I'll repeat the last sentence again: A FAMILY, complete with TWO CHILDREN is NOT WORTH LOSING OVER HAIR. Its clear that Autumn, believes that ... but what about her husband? He clearly told his wife (according to her) that their family WASN'T worth it, all because of her hair. Imagine how much time he spent contemplating the issue before coming to the decision that divorce was the only option. He either: a) thought about it quite a lot, and decided that divorce was the only feasible option - which is a problem... or b) didn't think about it at all and thought, "Hey, divorce is the only option," which is still a problem. Either way, the fact that he was willing away to walk away from his child, his wife and his other unborn child, because of her hair is just ridiculous.

I think the reason so many people reacted the way they did is because its clear to those of us removed from the situation (even not knowing all the details) that SOMETHING far deeper than hair is affecting your husband. This community of women doesn't want to see you suffering 1 year from now to support two children if your husband finds another reason your marriage can't work. Like I said, I applaud the way you fought for your family, I just think you're going to need that tenacity and much more, because something's not sitting right. God Bless.

Erin said...

LOL, I probably just need to stay the hell away from marriage, for real, 'cause that is not how I would have responded to that exchange. Unless he'd recently suffered a concussion, one of us would have been sleeping someplace else that night. I feel pretty strongly about my hair. I can't even imagine what my dude would have to say to me to make me forget "we need to split up, but, re-straightening your nappy hair will fix everything. It's beautiful on our kid, but unacceptable for someone I'm having sex with."

Pass.

Anonymous said...

Something being irrelevant to us as individuals doesn't make it useless. There have been a few women who commented saying that their SO dislikes their hair and thanks so much for another way to respond to that negativity. If only one person shared those sentiments, and benefited, this post would be worth it.

Anonymous said...

so the summary is:
Autumn can put her man on blast. and ask fo feedback.
but when you give your reply make sure you don't say anything about her husband.
Autumn, sweetie,why don't you just write a third post and tell us how you want us to respond? then we can just copy and paste it.

oh,and thanks for trying to put the commenters on blast for saying they would leave. did you say the same thing to your husband when he said you need to split up? i think what most were saying was that if their SO pulled what your husband did, they would say , seeya! and i think you know that.

but now you are upset and now it's no longer about hair, it's about making a marriage work and the marrieds vs the singles.

Girl, bye. NEXT!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

This is not tv about hair and this site has always been a positive place. This does not belong here and I think it does more harm than good. It does come across as sensationalized drama. We have enough of this on talk show.The real mature thing for us all to do is to stop feeding this and get back to hair.

Anonymous said...

Autumn,
Thank you for sharing both posts from a POSITIVE perspective & standing your ground for your marriage and family. You are one of the FEW mature young women who is living as a true example to others. I'm glad YOU UNDERSTAND that it's not all about YOU and that there will be give and take in a successful marriage which affect family dynamics. God Bless you, your husband and children. Keep standing girl. (smile)
Allnatural1(Michelle in TX)

Anonymous said...

I thought Curlynikki was a place of encouragement and positivity for all things hair. I am disappointed in some of this bashing.

Anonymous said...

I am disappointed in all the negativity as well. Very, very depressing. I will make sure to never write an article for feedback. I would be too scared of the very hostile, rude reactions. Autumn, I hope things are OK now. Just be trustful and know that we have a good God. Lots of love.

Anonymous said...

Dear God. Or Curly Nikki. Whichever one of you has the most power over blog postings: Please make this story go away.

Anonymous said...

I love and value my mate. We have been together for 10+ years.

That said. If he EVER thought it would be cool to tell me we need to split up because of my hair, I would pack his bags and show him the door.

You're adults. Trying to balance a household, and a growing one at that.

I agree in these times people look at marriage as disposable.

Im not married yet, but have been in a long term relationship. Love my man with all my heart, I know he's the one God put here for me.. However.. I wouldn't allow it. And what's more, I know he wouldn't ever say some crazyness like this to me.

Im gonna pray for you both.

ShanyShany said...

I bet you the only reason she changed her story is because her husband threatened to beat that a$$. Just sayin...

Erin said...

Yes, I'm still thinking about this. Let's be real, a marriage is only going to last as long as both participants are willing to work for it. So her husband issues an ultimatum based on something that is simultaneously incredibly superficial and deeply offensive to many of us in the natural community--is a "good" wife required to fight to save a marriage to someone insensitive? "Is my husband really this trife?" might not be my FIRST thought, but it'd be in the top 5. Physical attraction is important, but he's married to you, not your body, right? Shouldn't a husband who's in it for "the long haul" expect his wife's look to change over time? Expressing a preference about your looks probably shouldn't be a dealbreaker in and of itself, but this isn't the same as "why don't you wear that dress I like" or "you look great with your makeup done like that". Maybe he's not so good with tact, but, what is the tactful way to say "your nappy hair is ugly and you need to change it, or I'm gone"? Dressing it up is not going to change the content of that message, at least not to my ears.

I'm not married, but if preferring a husband who supports my positive body image instead of detracting from it makes me an unrealistic fairy tale female, then I'm just going to take my teddy bear and my Taylor Swift CD back into fantasyland and start doodling some unicorns.

Anonymous said...

If you are not married, have no respect for marriage, don't have a REAL clue what marriage is according to GOD, then please dont comment on marriage, stick to what you may have a clue about....HAIR! Dont make a comment on what Autumn should or should not have done in her marriage because you can't.

Anonymous said...

Autumn igonore the comments. Unless those commenting about on your mariage, are MARRIED and are in GODLY marriage at that, then they can't possibly TRULY relate. Donna Dorraine comments were off track in my opinion she mentioned her "ex-marriage". My point exactly her ex. Make your marriage work and compromise so you wont have an EX. Everything is give a little take a little, even something so stupid as hair.

Steph said...

This whole thing seems silly. If a man fixed his lips to say anything close to what he said to you, you need to do an inventory on your relationship. Does that mean you are headed for divorce? maybe, maybe not, but it clearly points out some things that seems to have gone unaddressed in your relationship. And clearly, a lot of times, it's not what you say but how you say it, he needs to work on that aspect of his communication style.

Good luck in your marriage. You are going to need it.

Anonymous said...

A long term relationship is just that. NOT MARRIAGE! Until you say I DO before GOD, then you DONT have a clue what MARRIAGE is. For Better or worse. Stupid hair comments and all!

Erin said...

Anonymous 12:49.12:56/1:27 -

If a husband shows this little respect for the relationship (i.e., he'd threaten to sever his godly--I'm sorry--GODLY MARRIAGE because of his wife's hair texture), what exactly are you fighting to keep?

Debbie said...

I agree this has amounted to nothing positive..

Anonymous said...

I'm really interested in hearing CurlyNikki's take on this, seeing that she's a licensed psychotherapist. She usually comments on most of the posts, but I haven't seen her weigh in on this or the previous post yet.

LIsa said...

Erin, I agree with anonymous. No one is going to end a marriage based over hair. Her husband simply wanted to see what he was use to seeing in his wife. SHe is his WIFE, not fiancee, girlfriend, significant other...she is WIFEY. Big Difference! She did exactly what she was supposed to do...COMPROMISE to keep them both happy. If you are not married you will NEVER really understand until you are...HOPEFULLY. Erin, by the way..show some respect for HIM and not degrade GOD by being sarcastic when referring to "GODLY MARRIAGE". Marriage IS ordained by GOD have some respect! You have proven my point. Now lets move on....please.

Sarley said...

If I have learned anything at all from this thread is that I am overjoyed to be married...HAPPILY. This has shown me what I already know mariage really is. Divorce has never been in the cards for us. We both decided that 10 years ago. Marriage is FOREVER. Some of us give up on marriage too quickly over stupidity most of the time. Yes her husband made a stupid comment, I doubt he would have left her over her hair. Autumn, I respect your choice to make your marriage work. He isnt cheating, drugs etc. He just wants to see your hair straight occassionally....nothing wrong with that. Ignore the negativity. What is she fighting for ERIN...her marriage! Her family!Her vows before GOD above all!

Anonymous said...

WOW! Controversy really makes the lurkers come out, doesn't it??? CN sounds like THE-YBF today! You ladies are surely educated enough to craft something critical with a bit more finesse and respect, no??? Sheeesh!

When I first read the story I thought her hubby was just a mean ass idiot. I then read the NYT article. Then I read her article again. SO many women live in black and white. Let go of the absolutes! And if you can't do that at least don't judge others who choose to live in that more RATIONAL light. But truth be told, going from long and permed to short and coily (I hate the word nappy) is a huge change. It saddends me that so many of us have been conditioned to hate our hair, but it is what is it. And thank GOD it is CHANGING before our eyes every day. Hopefully Autumn's natural journey will help re-shape her husband's attitude about beauty in regards to natural hair and Black women in general. God doesn't make mistakes - he made us this way. I believe time will heal this and rather than him passing the "I hate nappy hair" gene down to his children, he will pass a pride on to them instead, especially his daughters. This is happening everyday people! It's not wrong, it's life, and it's weight and magnitude on your shoulders depend on your reactions and actions once you've been enlightened. PEACE :-)

Anonymous said...

WHO IN THE HELL CARES ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE CRAP! CAN WE TALK ABOUT HAIR AGAIN?!

Anonymous said...

Umm, I don't think rational thinking involves an expectation or hope that someone will miraculous change their preference (in this case , for straight hair) nor will it change their disdain (in this case, for nappy hair) when they have expressed through an ADULT mind and mouth (on multiple occasions said preferences.

But, I guess some people would even argue about the definition of rational. . . in this case, rational thinking for single ladies and rational thought for the married. Lol!!

It would, I guess , be more "rational" for Autumn to "save her marriage" by just relaxing her hair and accepting her husband the way he is and not trying to "rationalize" her way into something that doesn't exist.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:27pm
Some folk may not have a clue about marriage, but they know disrespect and delusional thinking when we see it. Just like one doesn't need to be starving to death to know what hunger feels like.

Ladelle11 said...

Im sorry but some of these negative comments are irritating the heck out of me. I dont think she asked you to continue commenting. Some of these ladies are grown as hell and acting like highschoolers. Its her marriage and not yours so dont worry about it. So what if she put her business out...that dont mean you have to be ignorant and make negative comments. UGH

Anonymous said...

She can try to rationalize this however she wants. The point remains her husband was ready to walk out on her and didn't give a damn that she was preggers with their second child or about how it would affect their first child. That is all anyone needs to know to figure out it's deeper than hair. They'll be divorced within 5 years.

Erin said...

Maybe I'm crazy, but, if her husband wasn't "really" going to leave her over her hair, maybe he shouldn't have told her he was going to leave her over her hair. That's a pretty cruel thing to do to your spouse, plain and simple.

Autumn's original post stated that she'd struggled to love and accept her curls. I just think it's kind of sad that so many ladies (especially since so many of us go/have gone through that same struggle) expect her to give that up, simply because she's married.

Anonymous said...

Autumn, you are a smart girl!

Anonymous said...

Both your post were enlightining and it was so awesome of you to open up about this. Most men don't know how to express themselves take my hubby a few years ago in the 5 to 7 year itch faze he busted out with some demands with out even expressing his feeling first. he claimed that he did and that he consulted friends from church also. The way he approched me was awful and almost split us up But I wouldn't let it happen. I sat him down and found out his request weren't that bad it's just how he approched me. He also didn't even relize the work and effort I was putting into his request way before he came to me and threw his fit. Its something about being married for a while we tend to forget how to communicate because we put so much before our feeling and each other(kids, work, just life in general). I applaude you for digging deeper and also sticking to your guns and getting to the truth.

Anonymous said...

Where's the original post?

Mrs. Hensley said...

I wonder if people get a personal joy from giving their two cents, in such a rude way. I suppose it is easier to call a person names and criticize them over the internet than in person. Sure she put personal info about her marriage online for the world to see, sure there is freedom of speech, but what happened to tact? Maybe people shouldn't look into what they think Miss Autumn did wrong, but what she did right. Women struggle with their hair and how people see their hair, and she is telling us that she can relate. What she does with her husband after this isn't really that important to me. THIS IS A FORUM ABOUT HAIR. HAIR! What is the point in being rude and mean to a person baring themselves? We don't expect the world to agree with everything, but show some respect. Show some tact, show some MANNERS. Don't expect every blogpost to turn into a freaking internet argument! It's not about hate!

Anonymous said...

I'm a psychiatric social worker and my thought about this is that there are probably deeper issues than just your hair and you need to have more discussion about this. It was very hurtful for him to have said this to you. You need to clarify how hurtful his comments were to you and that he needs to expand it upon it further. For you to roll over and act so passively is sending him a message that it is ok for him to disrespect you. This will lead to further problems down the line.

I do not think that you should blow up and walk out the door when you have 2 children and he is a good father and has been a good husband up until now - but you do need to straighten him out. When children are involved it turns this into a more complicated situation. Please find a GOOD marriage counselor because I believe that your marriage is at risk and this is not the end of your problem.

Good luck - sorry to have had such hurtful things said to you at such a vulnerable time in your life. I'm in a serious long-term relationship and know how it's easier said than done to just walk out the door. When you're young, single with no kids it's much easier to end a relationship.

Mrs.Jones said...

Autumn -
Be careful how a man talks to you, respects you, treats you in front of your children. If he can't fully love and accept you, as his wife, your daughter may get a terrible example of what kind of treatment to accept from men.

I happen to be married, but I'm not saying this out of my experience as a wife, but as a daughter. Because my father was emotionally cruel to my mother, it took years to unravel that damage in my own mind, and to come to expect more from the men who courted me.

Please point this out to your husband. He should want the mother of his child to be confident and emotionally well, for his child's sake. Maybe his concern for your daughter's emotional well-being will motivate him to change his attitude toward you.

Bunny said...

So my question is...if you didn't expect that kind of reaction, or want to hear that type of reaction...why did you post it in the first place? Surely you expected this, nearly everything you said in the post regarding him was negative

Bunny said...

I meant to add this too: The angry/outlandish comments you got weren't *just* to be mean and hateful. Many of us who read your post were angry FOR you. I can't recall one natural who hasn't been on the receiving end of this kind of ignorance before. We feel your pain.

Anonymous said...

I agree to much of this.

There are comments that state they would let their marriage dissolve over their hair or the issue of hair - these comments show the immaturity of this generation and the lack of guidance from parents on keeping a marriage intact and prioritizing.

However, the comments from your husband show the dysfunction men suffer (and even women, but more so men) in regard to acceptance of Blackness as beauty.

I can't imagine having breast implants, finding out those implants aren't exactly best for my health, then removing the implants and dealing with a whiny husband who feels I need his "okay" to remove the implants. "Maybe you can wear large breast pads ever now and then, or more often".

Altering one's body with chemicals or surgery is not a group decision and his opinion is irrelevant. He doesn't understand that and you seem to be feeding the dysfunction of his rationale by not addressing this.

What if he preferred huge breasts? Should you then consider his feelings and get implants too? Maybe saying this to him might make him see how sick he sounds? (If he did indeed say what you said he said...we have no idea.)

I don't think it was fair to not write exactly what he said - to instead say "he didn't say those words but that's what it felt like - and then get upset with readers for reacting to exactly what you wrote. The words you wrote made your husband sound a bit sick in the head and immature. The fact that you're pregnant and already have a child with him - a child who has her hair done by her father who hates her type of hair, oh my god - this just makes it even worse. So if you're going to write about it, write what he said. Don't misrepresent it.

You have pictures on here (the one you posted with your initial post on the topic) in which your hair and face look gorgeous. Then you have other pictures you've posted here (your big chop photo and the photo in this post) in which you're grimacing, or really wrinkling your head or mouth as if you're trying to appear scary, and your makeup looks stark. You can keep it feminine, instead of appearing masculine, and be natural at the same time...I'm just being honest, he might have a problem with that (I have no idea, you seem to have twisted his words).

If you agree to straighten your hair chemically or otherwise, it is your choice and decision, NOT HIS. He needs to understand this. Thank god I don't have to deal with this sort of childish ish in my relationship, praise GOD!

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