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October 25, 2011

"We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR"


Autumn writes:

I don’t even know what to call this. But it happened – FOR REAL.

Background:

I’m married – 5+ years – to a wonderful husband and father. I’m pregnant – 5 months now – with my second child and I’m an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been natural – almost 1 year – and, although it took some time for me to feel this way, I LOVE my curls.

The Drama:

My husband works from home and has watched our 2-yr old daughter from birth (SN: She has curls too and he washes and styles her hair very well during the week). About a month ago, he sent me a text at work saying we needed to talk when I got home. So, I come from work on my lunch break like I normally do. We decided to leave the house to run some errands. In the car, I asked him what he wanted to talk about. Then he said the six words that literally threw me into an immediate emotional breakdown: “WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.” Huh? What? Where is this coming from? Instant flood of tears and hyperventilating.

He never wanted me to go natural. He doesn’t like “nappy” hair. He likes straight hair. He felt that I had totally ignored his feelings by going natural in the first place, but the fact that I’ve stayed natural, despite his disdain, is even worse. It doesn’t matter that everyone else around us likes my hair. He is my husband and his opinion should matter most. When he married me I had long, straight hair. He’s not attracted to me anymore because of my hair, and therefore he felt that the best solution was to split up, instead of being disgusted with the sight of me daily. But if I straighten my hair (it doesn’t have to be a relaxer), then everything will be ok and go back to normal. Blah, blah, blah. SN: Just the week before, his close friend’s wife chemically relaxed her hair after a year of being natural because she couldn’t stand the negative feedback from her husband.

Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like. I emailed my boss from my phone and said I couldn’t come back to work for personal reasons. After running our errands, I dropped him and our daughter back off at the house and drove off to clear my mind. I won’t go into all the thoughts that led me to my next actions, but I will tell you what happened.

I LOVE THIS MAN. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT THIS MAN. I WILL NOT LOSE MY HUSBAND OVER HAIR. But I felt this was a deeper issue than hair, and I also felt that some information was missing from his little rant. So I went back home. I grabbed a pen and paper and went straight to our bedroom. I got in the bed under the covers and started writing. Right after I jotted down my last thought, he came in to check on me. He gave me a big hug, and waited for me to speak. Here’s what I wrote/said, and his answers.

-I have more going for me than the hair on my head. YES YOU DO.

-I’m beautiful, intelligent, stylish, in shape, a good mother, I bring home bacon just like you, and I cook it too. YES I AGREE.

-I’m pregnant with your child, how dare you bring this to me right now. I FELT LIKE YOU WERE IGNORING HOW I FELT ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

-My hair is beautiful and *I* LOVE it, no matter what anyone else says. I KNOW.

-Our daughter’s hair is beautiful, are you going to request that she straighten her hair? NO, HER HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.

-Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN.

-Are you willing to give up our love, sex, family, home, future plans… all because of my hair?! NO, NEVER.

My response was: Then I cannot, WILL NOT get a chemical relaxer. So what is your REAL problem?

His response was: Well, it’s just that all the “different” styles you have been doing have been “nappy” styles. Can you please do some straight styles, and do them more often?

Of course! Why didn’t you say that in the first place boy?!

Ever since then, we’ve been back in love like usual. He touches my “nappy” hair and tells me I’m beautiful. And I still haven’t done a straight style yet, although I do plan to keep my promise – to prevent another childish rant.

Conclusion:

Turns out, he just did a really horrible job of expressing his feelings. And I did a really horrible job of acknowledging his feelings. We will not lose our love, our marriage, our life together… OVER HAIR.

Weigh in!

337 Chime in!:

«Oldest ‹Older 1 – 200 of 337 Newer› Newest»
Irendi said...

WOW!!! I say kudos to you for not jumping off the deep end and actually calming down to rationally think about things & talk it over w/ your husband.

NikkiNukka said...

i dont know what to say to that mess. speechless

Anonymous said...

Good Job! I don't think I would have reacted in such a way, especially being pregnant. This really shows what real marriage is all about. Yes he had a moment, but after communicating you were able to work it out! I am engaged to be married next year and you have shown me a different way to react to my fiancee when we are not seeing eye to eye. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

WOW!!! I'm VERY GLAD that she did not give in but figured out it was something deeper. I'm glad she was willing to fight for her marriage too. That's very encouraging to me (NON-MARRIED). I do think that our men have been brainwashed (like many of us WERE/ARE) that having straight hair is more beautiful. Most of the negative comments I've heard or seen comes from men. I think that once it becomes a norm (natural hair) it'll be more accepted. I'm so glad that she made that little questionaire....that was BRILLIANT!!

Anonymous said...

UMMMMMM........ WTH!!! He has deeper issues than the hair. Watch out.

sarah said...

I saw the headline and thought "will not lose our love over hair so therefore I'm glad you are natural". Damn.

Tootie said...

Horrible job expressing his feelings is an understatement. He gambled his marriage over a straighten hair style. I have never been married, but this pissed me off. He should have approached that in a completely different way. The idea of him considering leaving his pregnant wife over hair is just... ugh.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Tootie. That seems a little far fetched that he would want to leave over her hair, I think he was saying that to cover up for the real reason.

i am native here . . . said...

This is SHOCKING! Like some others mentioned, it feels like something else is at play. I admire your calm handling of the situation...and I pray he's found peace, for you and your daughter's sake.

I still can't get over this post....smh

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with Tootie. This whole exchange is very, very odd...

Anonymous said...

Glad there was a happy ending to this story...but the husband's resolution to the hair issue was just too extreme. Something about the story just made me a little sad that the writer had to listen to her husband tell her he wanted to split up over her hair.

Jas

Kiki Rocks Kinks said...

I'm with Tootie, his method of even bringing up the issue seemed a bit childish and that one HELL of a gamble he took. What is sista-girl had said, "You know you're right. If you want to leave because of my hair, then go right ahead, where can I sign?" I wonder how he would have dug himself out of that one. I'm not being judgmental but simply putting trying to see the situation from her perspective. I personally would have went off and explained to him that it is obvious that our love comes with condition because... you know what, let me shut up I just can't see it. I wish a brother would! Kudos on standing your ground.

Maya said...

WOW. I think this further clarifies that I am NOT ready for marriage because my reaction would have been totally different. Especially while pregnant. I do however admire you for not flying off the deep end and sacrificing your marriage and family over his horrible job of communicating. Kudos and many blessings to you both.

Omolara said...

I'm sorry, but I'd still be very wary of a man whose solution to a problem he has is for you to change or leave.

Putting you in that position was intentional, and wrong.

Anonymous said...

*insert a strong side-eye here* Something in the milk ain't clean. You want to destroy this family over MY hair? Oh, okay. That's a lame excuse. I bet he met somebody on Facebook that has that fresh Brazilian Blow-out.

Anonymous said...

You are a better woman than me, had I heard that I probably would have lost it.

"Boy are you crazy, nobody cares about how you feel about my hair. This is how my hair grows naturally and this is how your childrens hair grows naturally. If you dont like that you can kick rocks"

But then again I'm not married and I'm not in love LOL but it did kind of make me mad just reading it

Anonymous said...

There are definitely a lot of elements missing from this post. I have been married for 17 years and went natural approximately 2 years ago after having relaxers since 6th grade (tried it twice but wasn't confident). If my husband dared to threaten divorce over my hair (he absolutely adores the natural look and does not want me to relax EVER again--btw, we're interracially married), it wouldn't be anything to discuss. Absolutely ridiculous! The issue here is more deeply rooted than the texture of your hair. I agree a conversation was in order, but not regarding your hair. There is another underlying issue that will surface/re-surface sooner rather than later. Marriage is not easy and the only way to overcome challenges is having effective communication involving the tough issues.

theaccidentalnatural said...

I'm sorry, if my husband said he wanted to break up with me over hair and I'm pregnant, there would be some serious problems. How are you going to look at the woman carrying your child and threaten to leave because you don't like her hair? Are you stupid? I agree with all the posters that think something else is going on in this relationship. Sane people do not threaten do break up otherwise great relationships just because they don't like someone's hair, or shirt, or lipstick colour. Why not just treat your wife to a day at the salon and tell her you'd love to see her with a straight style? That woman better watch out - she's in for a rude awakening.

Cassandra said...

Sigh. I got nothing, except thank God my boyfriend doesn't place his aesthetic wants over my need to NOT put a lot of caustic chems on my body or damaging heat on my hair. I need to go thank him right now. Jesus.

DFig said...

I know everyone thinks there's an alterior motive and I'm not saying there isn't. BUt marriage is sometimes complicated and something simple can be blown up into something big. This story reminded me of a article in the NYT this week:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

Now THAT women needs to be commended! She basically told him to do him and get back at the family when he gets it together. That is strength in your commitment.

Anonymous said...

Please CURLYNIKKI , our resident psychotherapist…weigh in. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you both.

Anonymous said...

I'm married and I have to say there is something else here. It was reallly WRONG for him to put you in that position and immature for him to even propose that. If he married you for your looks, he really needs to get beyond the shallowness of that and dig deeper because you are obviously an intelligent, beautiful person inside.
More dialogue is definitely needed....this was really wrong. Marriage is not for giving up on each other and so I applaud you...but you need to go back and talk about this.

Anonymous said...

WOW! Marriage isn't easy but for better or worse is what the vow says ... Seems like there is more to his issue than the texture of your hair. I pray that issue is communicated so that this texture issue doesn't re-surface. Communication is imperative!!!

Anonymous said...

OK...I'm not siding with the husband as I do think he did a bad job communicating. But, I think the deeper issue is that he did not feel like his wife was listening to his thoughts/feelings about her hair. If you are married then hopefully, you understand how important his issue really is. Not feeling listened to is HUGE from a woman's or man's perspective. I'm not saying that she wasn't listening to his objections to her hair but he didnt feel like she was and in his mind that was more important than anything else at that moment!! None of us really know what happened in the days or weeks before that led him to believe separating from his pregnant wife was the solution!! Just my two cents.

Anonymous said...

See, the problem I have with this story is that she actually dignified what he was saying with a response. I wouldn't have gotten mad or argued with him about "my hair being a gift from God", etc. Divorcing over hair is so ridiculous it doesn't even merit a discussion.

So I would have assumed he was joking, said something like "Let me know when you want to talk about what's really going on" and then asked him to drop me back at work.

~H

Anonymous said...

tell him to grow a pair bc you cant be with a man doesn't have one. then try to apologize for that ish!!! i'm sorry i dont have anything more to add

Anonymous said...

You guys need to re-read the selection. I read the part where she said he didn't actually say that or use them words but....I'm just saying. I thought her hormones were at play after I finished reading, just a thought.

Patrice said...

Bulls**t! There are def. deeper problems than hair here. 5yrs married, one child, and pregnant and he wants to "split up over hair"? I'm married with 2 kids and pregnant. My husband would never be able to come back with some crap like "can you wear your hair straight sometimes" after that. Please excuse me here...but I'd be like NI**A FU; now tell me what's really the problem. The communication was great on her part, but I think his was BS.

aWickedRose said...

I think he might feel like his opinions/wants/needs/concerns are ignored overall and he zeroed in on the hair because he figured it would be easy. Like he thought she's straighten her hair and then she'll start conferring with me more on things and my feelings will matter a little more.

This is FAR from over for them because neither one really addressed the base issue. It's not about hair at all really. The fact that he threatened to leave her while she was pregnant and so vulnerable is horrific.

Serenity Love Sincere Peace Earth said...

If he is willing to end your marriage over hair... Then I say so be it. What happens if you get cancer and all you hair falls out? What happens if you gain weight? What happens if you become disfigured in an accident? He is not there for you. He only wants a trophy wife.

Anonymous said...

Wow! That was amazing! I'm currently transitioning and have cut the majority of my relaxed hair off. My boyfriend wasn't happy but I explained to him how important it is to me to go natural. I know he's not happy but I'm trying to do me. The last time i went to the salon he sent me a text asking me not to cut my hair. Im going to cut it again soon to get rid of my relaxed ends. Well this post is a wake up call because I felt like my guy is very superficial and couldn't imagine another guy feeling this way. I guess more guys have issue with natural hair than we think. BTW, your hair is gorgeous!!!

Anonymous said...

Not trying to be debbie downer but you may want to keep your eyes wide open....it seems like he was looking for something to leave you over...pretty soon it will be something else you are doing or not doing, I had it happen to me, ex bf was critical of everything, i would change and then he would move on to something else to criticize me about, then i found out he had started a whole new relationship behind my back....just watch out...

brianna said...

I'm just going to put it out there.

I think he never had any intention of really leaving. I think he just wanted to put pressure on you to change your hair, and took drastic measures to do so. He played on emotions, and hoped that you would change your hair in order to keep your marriage.

I commend you for not being rational. You a better one than me.

SwirlieCurlies said...

yikess this man is shallow. I'M STUCK ON THE FACT THAT HE DOESN"T LIKE HIS WIFES "NAPPY" HAIR. Reading this article made me cringe and I almost wanted to tear up for various reasons. So many men likes this man are out there and it's so sad that black men are trying to force black women to be something we are not. I'd imagine that having your man, in this case, your HUSBAND admit to not liking your "nappy" hair is almost the same as saying he doesn't like who you are. *sigh* #Ijustcan't anymore. This is why I've said over and over again I will not date/marry a Black man. I'll take my 4b hair and chocolate skin to some white boy who'd appreciate me for who I really am..a black woman with kinkycurly hair. Ughh this article imbues me with strong feelings of disdain for black men. I need a breather *inhales* ..*exhales*

TraciB said...

**sitting here with my mouth wide open** Ummmm... How in the world could the words "We need to split up" even escape his mouth? Over hair? Really?

AlisueG said...

It sounds like the husband has a desire for the life they shared when the wife's hair was long and straight. Maybe it represents youth, excitement, freedom and fun - the time before adult responsibilities and children. Kind of like that mid-life crises of the husband in this great NY Times Article (thanks DFig!) http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

While I agree that he was totally inconsiderate and immature in the way he expressed this to his pregnant wife, this kind of response (flight or fight) seems to be pretty common when folks are unhappy. Clearly its not about hair but about his frustrations and inability to think things through before words exit his mouth.

But now that both parties are alerted about these underlying feelings of the husband, its gonna be important to learn how to handle future meltdowns in the future.

Casimiransmom said...

Hahahah, over hair?! Leaving you?! Doesn't find you attractive anymore? Wow, that's very superficial. You'd think after being with someone for that length of time, there would be more depth to it than that. When my husband and I were first dating, I had braids, I took out my braids with him in the room and he saw the roots, I mean all the mess. He looked at me at that moment, and he told me that's when he knew he was in love and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, because I was completely comfortable in my own skin, even around him. You can go ahead and do more straight styles to please him, but how do you know how often is enough, and if I were you, I'd continue to think in the back of mind, when my hair isn't straight, what is he thinking about me. Good luck to you, I don't wish ill on any marriage, because I know it takes work and compromise. Peace.

AishaSaidIt said...

Whew...this is a touchy intimate look into someone’s marriage BS. Don't worry we all have a little marriage BS that makes you want to stop and take a nap. Anywho, 85% of the time I would never suggest someone leave their marriage. I know it's old school but you are supposed to fight to the very end. That being said it sounds like a control issue. Who threatens the "D" word because of hair? Really? I would keep a focused eye on that because he could be testing the waters, so be sure to "smack the hand" (not literally) before it becomes a bigger issue.

taizmorena said...

When I read this all i could say was woooow! But u know wat, I appreciate Autumn for posting this article. Why? bc it puts an ongoing issue on display...on display (lol forgive me, i just watched the RHW of NJ): How men, whether it be dating partners, boyfriends, or husbands, view "natural" hair. Now this doesnt speak for EVERY man; my boyfriend adores my natural hair. However, men in general are lead to identify beautiful hair with the long, flowy hairstyles seen on tv, in magazines, billboards, you name it! And us women with kinkier texture, knowing that, are willing to alter our hair texture or add weave thats nothing like our natural hair to fit that image for them and please others.

Please dont take wat im saying the wrong way...im not against women who relax or wear weaves/wigs. If that works for them, its all good. As long as theyre honestly doing it for themselves to look good and feel confident, not for a man.

Her husband's actions were extremely selfish, no doubt. For him to be quick to just split up over hair isnt a good sign. However, a relationship must have compromise on both parts. As petty as it may sound to us looking in, he just wants her to "sex-up" her hairstyles a little more. Since her marriage and keeping her family together are important to her, switching it up from time to time might not be a bad thing. I say try it out for a while and see wat happens. If he still isnt satisfied though, u really need to re-evaluate wats important mami. Remember, u have kids that learn from both u and your husband's actions.

Thick Hair said...

At first, I was angry as hell at your husband. In the end I have to say you are a saint and I am glad that both of you are happy. Changing things up in a marriage is healthy and beneficial in a marriage. It keeps things from getting monotonous. I think your husband is just looking for some "spice" in the marriage and wants you to be more adventurous with your hair. I can relate because my husband did a poor job of relating his feelings regarding my natural hair. At first his comments made me think he did not like natural hair. Turns out after a heated discussion he finally blurted out that he wanted me to wear my hair out more (twistouts, braidouts, etc) and was growing tired of my everyday buns and ponytails. Now that I wear my hair out more he compliments my hair all the time and encourages me to try new styles. I must admit I was hesitant at first because I am just learning how to style my hair after years of protective styling but I am getting alot of compliments from strangers on the street which makes me feel like maybe my husband was right to make me change up my hairstyles! Now I can't wait to experiment with new looks and I can't believe how many styles I can accomplish with my hair. Good luck!

Maya said...

Thats a GOOD WOMAN right there. And he needs to know how GOOD she is for not doing something violent and leaving his hindparts to try to call 911 with no fingers.

Im just saying. I dont know WHAT I wouldve said or done. GOD was in the car with her that day!! AMEN.

Anonymous said...

@AlisueG: Thank you SO much for posting that NYT article bc it's what I immediately thought about when I read this CN post! Here's a great quote from it:

"Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her. Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months."

tahmeka said...

Girl... get the f#!$ out!

This is crazy. He sounds like a damn snake. I feel it in my spirit. The hair thing was a cop out. There is something else going on and he probably has one foot out the door already.

" I will NOT give up this man!" Well why the hell not? He was ready to give you and those babies up over your damn hair!

Sophie said...

I am quite disturbed by this. Like some other posters have said, this is not an understandable miscommunication to me. Overreaction is yelling that everyone in your house is a slob because you found one sock on the floor of the laundry room after a long day at work. Threatening to leave your pregnant wife alone and break up your family because she isn't paying attention to your superficial preference about her HAIR? He knew his words would hurt her, and he was trying to use that to get what he wanted. If that is love, please let me never be married, I am serious. I wouldn't think of doing that to a friend, let alone someone who is supposed to be the love of my life. Even if he didn't say any of the things about being attracted to he, if he suggested separation that is absurd. Also, I second Kiki's sentiment... what if she just said well then you can just pack your stuff up and hit the road?? He assumed that he could say he didn't need her, but she would be so desperate to keep him that she would do anything he asked. Wow. I think they should see a counselor before this kind of thing comes up again because people have affairs over things like this. A man who recants after dropping a bomb like that might just be afraid to lose the stability of his marriage, but that doesn't mean he won't find anything on the side if he looks at his wife, mother of his child(ren), companion for five years, working mother, and immediately just thinks about how much he hates her hair. I feel like this comment is becoming a babble, but I am honestly floored! The people in my life who I love could get a jehri curl mullet shaved on one side with beads hanging from the other side, and I would still love them and wouldn't think of telling them that I don't love them anymore. Even if I lovingly told them the looked a hot mess, saying that who they are doesn't mean more to me than how they look is really just cruel. If nothing else, because they have loved me when I haven't been perfect *as a person* so how can I desert them over how they style themselves?? And this it just for he NOT changing how she is naturally. Shaking my head so much.

*stepping off soap box*

AusetAbena said...

Okay. It is really weird to comment on someone else's marriage, but she put it out there so I don't feel bad when I put this out there. I agree with most what everyone else said, and this makes me even more grateful that I have been natural since middle school. When a man meets me he can be almost assured that this is the state my hair will be in for quite some time. All that aside, change is the only thing constant in the world. I may decide to big chop again after growing it out long. I might decide to grow locs again any day now. And this might all be on a whim, after getting married. I say that to say, We are more than our hair, our pretty faces, our fit bodies. We are people with personalities, feelings, gifts, and experiences. This man is her husband, and all I suggest is that she look deeper into what he said than just a bad way of saying it. Some men think of marriage as "what I say goes, or you go." Isn't that what he basically said? For real, telling a pregnant woman who is the mother of your already born child that you are going to leave her, during her dang lunch break, because you don't like her nappy hair is straight up disrespectful. Words cannot describe. I might have had an aneurysm. She needs to watch out. For real. She needs to reassess. For real. She may not have to go so far as getting a divorce over this. But remember, this man suggested getting a divorce over some nappy hair. For real. I am just a little bit even more wary of vowing my all to someone, who may not take his vows as seriously as I would.

Anonymous said...

I HAVE been married. And it does take time to "argue" fairly.. but his gambling the marriage on how she was gonna take his childish rant about his feelings towards something as silly as HAIR?? Thats like if a woman were to say "WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.. YOU'RE BALDING AND WONT BUY ROGAIN". Like really? Natural hair is a natural occurance and that is THAT. If a man is willing to BREAK UP with his pregnant wife and mother of his kids over hair?? Something ELSE is wrong. And it aint your hair.

Lacoya S. said...

*sigh*

This is why I don't like reading/posting about relationship issues. People will read an excerp, not knowing the complexity and/or history of a relationship, and immediately throw in "Well, she tripping", "What IIII would've done", "Girl, he is _____ type of man", "Girl he don't want you", "Girl he was REALLY mad about something else", "Girl, he is a dog", "The REAL problem is..".

Nobody is really qualified to weigh in on this woman's relationship except HER and GOD. If you're single....ENOUGH SAID. If you've been married for God knows how long, it hasn't been to this man, so you're STILL not qualified. What's really horrific is comments stating that this woman's husband is something other than what he really might be.

Many men have TRUE communication issues and don't know how to express their true emotions...especially African-American men. When they feel they have been done wrong and are hurt in a relationship, they rarely speak up about it, because they don't wanna be "b#@!ing". Unfortunately, they let emotions build up inside of them, and when they boil over, they do things that are ....well stupid, unsympathetic, cold, crazy, extreme, uncalled for, and/or all of the above. Anything to get the attention that they have been looking for. (Yeah, we know that it's REALLY not that difficult, but men are from Venus...we are from Mars) Women are BORN communicators...we were created to learn the needs of men and provide help to them - so of course, we KNOW how to communicate....they were not made to do so, so they are completely out of their zone when it comes to communicating (now I'm not speaking for all men, because many men have been raised to communicate effectively - but it doesn't come in their DNA).

Here this woman is attempting to spread the word about how she triumphed over the devil trying to steal her marriage and how she fought to get to the root of the issue and win it back (really inspirational to me as it speaks of the virtue, patience), and people who know nothing about her or her marriage say such things.

Well honey, I'm glad you have your marriage and your happiness back. Just know in all your current/future years of marriage, their is still learning that will go on, from both sides. Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure that you can recall when you've done some CRAZY stuff as well. But the biggest point out of all of this is you BOTH have to work to make EACH OTHER happy, and that doesn't mean permanently changing yourself for him, but cmon, how many times have you cooked something that you don't necessarily like because he liked it....or how many times has he watched a show/movie with you that he doesn't necessarily like, but YOU like. It's the same thing. Sacrifice. Like he said, he would have never given up all of that "good luvin" over hair....maybe he just had to TRULY see how important it was to you, to make it worth it to him to support you in it. Kudos to you, girlfriend, for true diligence in this relationship. Hopefully he has learned his lesson as well....HONEST communication is key in any relationship.

Anonymous said...

I'm with 'anonymous at 1:02PM' - I'm not sure exactly what he said given her statement about "those were not his exact words". What we know is that is what she heard, but I'm not certain what he said so I'll have to hold off evlauting the situation until then. Even so, it was a little disturbing that the compromise is to wear straight styles sometimes. In any event, marriage is about compromise between two people. Whatever people are willing to give up to make it work is up to them. I think I would feel differently if it were me but I probably put up with some stuff that others might not. Everybody has to pick and choose their battles.....I guess.

Anonymous said...

OK I'm the husband of brown_Beauty 08. She sent me this post via email with the subject line "Woah". I share her sentiments exactly. Like you said, this isn't a hair issue. This is a communication issue. He needs to be able to express himself more effectively than providing you ultimatums. This is unfair to you and your future child. Going forward he needs to say right then and there if he doesn't like a hair style and how it makes him feel. No more of this bottle it up and dump you crap. Secondly, Why does he care so much about what his friend wife did? That's not his wife, that's not his life. He needs to get over that. Just because she is willing to be unhappy doesn't mean you should be. Relationships are all about compromise. He is very lucky that you took the time to think about it and question him. What if you just packed your stuff and left? He wasn't ready for that. I salute you for being patient, but he needs to get it together coming at you like that in the middle of the work day while you're 5 months pregnant. This dude had me fired up and I don't even this damn forum. SMH

Anonymous said...

If my man were to say something like this to me (and at a time like that) I would definitely fall out of love with him.. not saying it wouldn't be painful or that I wouldn't have love for him in general as my husband and father of my children but, romantic love? nope. done. totally turned off forever.

have the baby. get my ducks in a row and respectfully inform him when the time is right for me to move on.

kitka82 said...

@DFig!!! Thanks for posting this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

There is a lot of inspiration and encouragement there. Sometimes our strength is really put to the test, and we have to "woman up."

My heart hurts for the OP. Hope that all is well with your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but that just doesn't make sense to me. How does not explaining your feelings well come across as 'we need to split up' that's nonsense.

Maya said...

Thank you, MrManWithSomeSENSE. (Anonymous 1:45) No one should be evaluating their marriage and saying what she should or shouldnt think about her man... but the man who spoke is at 1:45 is correct. He needs to do better. Love better. Try harder. Love her enough to learn to communicate BETTER. For the sake of his marriage and children.

Anonymous said...

"-Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY." <<<<<<< WTF?!

MissMesa88 said...

Autumn, I've been waiting on an update from you. I remembered when Nikki posted the interview once you Big Chopped and I can clearly recall you saying your husband teased and says he doesn't like beady beads. You also said he'll probably get adjusted once you get some hang time and its sad that he hasn't. I don't think he was really going to leave, I do believe he just felt that you didn't consider his feelings so his approach to get everything to change should resemble the one his friend used on his wife.

I couldn't fathom what that felt like considering I'm not married nor am I a mother. Your strengh inspired me. Not only were you strong for choosing not to blow up, but you were strong enough to hold aside your feelings (regardless of how insensitive and childish he was) just to fight to keep the marriage you have. I wish you and your family well. God Bless you all and congrats on the baby!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with awickedrose. It's totally possible that he feels that his opinions don't matter in other areas and he's pitching a fit over something small. I'm also sure that Autumn isn't going to divulge every personal part of this dcussion since the part about hair is what's relevant to us. Kudos to you girl, for finding a balance between what you want for yourself and making your husband feelthat his pinion matters.

Anonymous said...

So as I read this my mouth literally dropped open. I really thought she was going to say her busband wanted to discuss perming the child's hair. A bit dramatic and I totally agree with Tootie's response. But I feel a little torn, my knee jerk reaction wouldve been to shut down and tell him to get to stepping. Later I wouldve searched my mind for answers. Although she loves her hair her husband has to look at her. And having been in a relationship where my other half decided to sport a Punk Rocker type Mohawk (that thing was bald on both sides and spiked in the middle) I can understand the frustration of looking at the person you love and not liking what you see. However I never offered an ultimatum, or really mentioned it. He knew I didnt care for his hair style didnt stop him from wearing it for over six months. When you love someone you deal with different things. He should not have put that kind of stress on her, especially while pregnant. But her man is human and there are times when we dont handle situations right, or express ourselves properly.

Lacoya S. said...

And JUST to clear up any confusion...my comment is NOT justifying what he did

NOR

is it saying that he IS/ISN'T a snake and something else isn't up. BUT, I'm not the person to say....no one knows more about her relationship more than her. She is the one qualified to make the BEST conclusions about HER relationship. :)

BTW 100 FOR YOU COCO!!!! (Maya)

I totally agree that in spite of all of my explanation....he DOES need to do better! LOL (But honestly, who doesn't?)

Jay Lewis said...

Please read Corinthians 13:4 together.

Anonymous said...

To me this sounds CRAZY!!!!! His daughter's hair is beautiful, but his wife's hair is ugly. Is there a texture issue going on here? Is his wife on the higher number end of the curl spectrum? NAPPY STYLES as he calls them.

Would he say that if she had a different texture of natural hair?
So he wants her to wear more straight styles. How often is too often? Is he going to think she is ugly when her hair isn't straight?

"Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN"

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT CRAP??????!!!!!!

He probably wouldn't say that if she had long hair. Even it was on the kinkier side as long as it is LONG. He needs to give it some time. If she constantly wears her hair straight, she won't have any hair left.
Someone mentioned that he might want her to "sex it up" a little. So does that mean that coily/kinky hair isn't sexy?
Get some braids with straight hair at the ends that you can curl up and do different styles with, without damaging your hair.

Show him some videos and articles about the brainwashing of men when it comes to beauty and natural hair. His hair grows out of his scalp a certain way is HE ugly? Should you divorce HIM?

If he still doesn't get it and won't leave you alone about it, then start saving your money so you can be prepared to leave him when he cheats on you with a woman with straight hair because she "listened to him" and he didn't feel "ignored" by her.

Anonymous said...

I'm not surprised that her husband would consider leaving over natural hair. Physical attraction is very important to a lot of men. If a man is no longer physically attracted to his partner, depending on his value system, emotional maturity etc, he might consider leaving. Her husband wasn't attracted to her with natural hair. Period. He's entitled to his preferences. I'm not saying I agree with his approach or viewpoint, but I can see how it could happen. Some men are very shallow when it comes to physical appearance. There was a survey recently where a high percentage of men said they would consider leaving their wife if she gained a significant amount of weight. Sad, but true.

Anonymous said...

BRAVO, Lacoya S.!! You hit the nail on the head!!
Autumn, great post and I wish you continued happiness with your hair AND your marriage!!

CurlyInTheA said...

Damn, Damn, Damn -- That was my immediate reaction. But now I'm gonna take a breath and *Woosah* Me: Married 16 years, 3 kids, natural for 95% of the marriage.

My husband prefers straight hair, but I wear my naturally curly hair. Is it a big issue? It's really about compromise. More importantly, the style of my hair is NOT a dealbreaker.

My husband met me with straight hair; that doesn't mean that my hair will stay straight or I'll keep the same style through the remainder our marriage. It's all about expectations. Few things stay the same as far as appearances go when it comes to long-term marriages.

Men become bald, have thinning hair (he does). For the most part, women stay despite their men's hair "issues", so I don't know why this husband expects anything different about a hair style. The woman could very well likely get traction alopecia. I can relate to this, since bald isn't attractive on all men (my husband has a square head, so the bald look might not suit him well. However, if he lost all his hair, that wouldnt' be a dealbreaker.

Secondly, we as women have hair issues, so I don't know why we don't expect men to have them as well.

As far as my relationship, my husband loves me for me. And we work through it. I straighten my hair from time to time becaue he likes it and I do too. My husband says I'm beautiful no matter what style I wear.

I think when you are married for a long time, there are going to be things about your spouse that you like and that you don't like in terms of appearance, but you get over it. Let me clear: If my husband had uttered what the author said her husband said to her, he might have gotten cut. For real. This husband manipulated his wife -- and that's wrong. Further, we know a lot more about what chemicals do to unborn babies and my answer would have been a swift, NO!, because it would potentially harm my child.

You can work through a hair style; it's a change that's temporary. She can straighten her hair from time to time sans chemicals; get a straight weave or a wig if she's worried about heate damage.

Do I think there's some other ish going on? Damn skippy. If he's like this about hair, he may think the same thing about weight, especially if she puts on a few pounds post-pregnancy, so beware.

As far as styling, if a husband sees that his wife is miserable about wearing straight hair, and he continues to manipulate her to do it, something is very, very wrong with HIM.

Tiffany said...

I will say that I am fairly new to this site (probably 2 mths.new)...And, I combed this site for any information that would help me on my natural hair journey. And,I remember reading a post about Autumn's BC. I had to do a search to make sure it was her...And, it was...On that particular post she too, stated that her husband was not happy with her natural hair. But, reading her post today, brought me saddness for her and her marriage(and her children). I have my own opinions, however I don't fully know ALL of the details of their married life, so unfortunately I cannot comment. With all that being said, and although I do not know you, I think you are a beautiful woman of God. I pray that things get better in your marriage, and during your hair journey. I work closely in our marriage ministry, and there are a ton of great resources out there for marriages. One book I will suggest is titled, His Needs, Her Needs by Williard Harley. It is an interesting read (and can be a real eye opener). You can probably find it on amazon or at Lifeway book stores (or even your local library). Continue to be encouraged. May God pour His blessings down on your marriage today and always.

Blessings,

Tiffany

BTW YOUR hair is BEAUTIFUL!

Anonymous said...

Does some of you "God fearing" people ever take into consideration that not everyone's Christian and not everyone believes in GOD? I hate the stereotype/assumption that being Black in American = Christian. SMDN

Anonymous said...

Maybe I can't relate b/c I've been natural all my life and every guy I've ever dated has seen me natural (Black, White, Hispanic), but I don't see how a guy can say something so petty and you not AT LEAST be concerned about his real love for you.

I've put on about 50lbs and my exes still act attracted to me, and I am sure it isn't about my looks.

Maybe it's got to do with how you respond to his wishes GENERALLY and it's not about the hair at all, but if it is, I would be really concerned.

Anonymous said...

WOW! I am married and throughout the past few years I've been married I've learned that communication is VERY VERY important. I've also learned that people especially men have a hard time expressing their feelings and as women sometimes we need to give our men space or communicate with them differently.
I feel her husband did exactly that he didn't communicate his feelings clearly even though his feelings may be coming from something deeper that don't have to deal with her. Maybe he has an idea of what the ideal women should look like and in his mind "nappy" hair is not his picture perfect women. But, I think she handled the situation very well. She basically laid everything on the table about the type of women she is and made him see the type of women and family he is willing to leave over hair. Going further I think he needs to think before he speak before he says something that would make her definitely leave him. I also think it was selfish of him to contact her in the middle of the day at work over some hair.

Anonymous said...

Omg! This sounds close to what happened to me. I'm 11 months into my transition and my husband hates it. Wants me to go back to the relaxer. I just want to get to the stage where I don't care what other people think about my hair. Once I get to that stage, I will be better off.

Anonymous said...

WOW! Autumn, Wow. I just don't know what to say. My feelings are so hurt by your husband's comments, I can only imagine how you must have felt. You were extremely brave to share this issue. With all the things we as black folk already have to deal with, its a shame that hair is such a devisive issue. It's easy for me to judge when I don't know him, but I suspect your husband is a lot more supportive than this post reflects. My prayer is that this is just a little speed bump and not a sign of something much bigger down the road. My sincere hope for you is that you guys will work this out and move on. Good luck! (mzcnnd)

michelle said...

I remember Autumn's "i big chopped" article. She is a beautiful woman with beautiful hair, and it is a shame that her husband has never accepted it. It sounds like he has been anti-natural from the moment she chopped, and that is sad. I hope that he becomes more mature, and gets over himself. But you know, there are men who are just 100% into a certain 'look', marry women for that look, and then get mad because the woman has gained weight, changed her hair, become ill, or otherwise lost that 'look.' Ironically most of these men do not look the same as they looked when they got married, but that is often irrelevant. I hope that her husband is not that superficial, because otherwise I don't think occasionally wearing straight styles will address the deeper issue.

I'm married, and I chopped this July after a 14 month transition. My husband, fortunately, likes my hair. If he didn't, I honestly don't think that I would straighten my hair regularly, but it would hurt to know that he doesn't like it. On the one hand, it's 'just hair' and not worth losing my marriage. But the idea/assumption that 'compromise' means 'the wife changes to make the husband happy' would set off all my alarm bells and cause me to rethink the whole relationship. At a minimum we'd end up in therapy.

My father hates natural/kinky hair and likes long hair. I think his preferences are the reason my mom wore weaves and wigs for years. She still weaves, but it's more 'curly' instead of long and straight; he'd probably prefer straight but seems OK with the curly weaves as long as they aren't 'too nappy.' I am dreading his reaction when he sees me over the holidays (I had it flat ironed the last time that I went home but I plan to wear a twist out). I really hope the poster's husband is not like my father, because that attitude is entrenched.And I know that my father will never change.

Anonymous said...

Underlying issue he feels like his feels are being ignored! Your pregnant and likely full of feelings! He sounds ignored insecure about his position as her man! As a house wife he sounds like a invalidated wife who's fed up with feeling like an insignificant entity in the house and there here is just a focal point to the underlying issue cause it represents a strong brave independent woman. Try validating his more sensible concerns and relaxing your persona when you come into the house and becoming more of a we I bet he will forget about the hair! I have to tell my hubby all the time when you step in the door turn your work mentality off we're just woman and kids here soften up there's
no battle here. Both of u need to make inward changes that validate each other as a person and a couple! In my experience problems in a marriage is a both thing and stuff like this is a call to change! He knows how important your hair is to you so that's what he choose to get validation of how important he is to you! Change both your behavior not the hair!

Anonymous said...

Well, I am married and I must say, she really handled the situation better than I would have but still that's what you do, You talk it out. Being married for 7 years, (married my high school swt heart at 22)I will tell anyone, Marriage is work and you have to be willing to fight for it. Now did he come off the wrong way, Yes, but Ladies you all know that MEN SOMETIMES DONT THINK!! I'm not giving him an excuse however I really feel that this man did not want to end his marriage. My momma always use to say that "People will tell you just what they want and need if you take the time to listen". Clearly, he has been trying to tell her that this really bothered him however he just picked the Worst Way and Time to say it. As long as they keep the communication flowing, they will be fine. I should know, 7 years strong, about to be turning 30years and loving me and my fam! I will keep this couple in Prayer!

Shaprice said...

Honestly Im a very strong willed person and if my husband said he was leaving because of my hair I would have showed him the door after I finished laughing. Of course that would have been wrong to laugh, but are you kidding me? My Hair is why you are leaving I wouldnt have believed that for a minute. So I think you did a great job in getting to the bottom of it but I wouldnt have responded so well to that at all.

Anonymous said...

First of, let me say to Autumn- you are beautiful and blessed to have a second baby on the way. I am sure that this is a very vulnerable time for you and the hormones and emotions are swinging faster than Tarzan through the jungle. Lol! Hang in there girlfriend! Everything is gonna be alright!

Perhaps your hubby is nervous about the demands of an expanding family and his responsibility in being the kind of husband and father he would like to be. I commend your ability to step back and handle this situation in a mature fashion. I couldn't be easy to feel some of the emotions his words caused. Our hair is so important to us, due to all of the social and psychological implications surrounding it. Therefore, if ANYONE, but especially a dear loved one, says something which makes us feel uncomfortable about it, the natural inclincation is to go into war mode.
Sometimes, people will exaggerate their feelings or find fault with something that they know "pushes our buttons" to get our attention. You hubby may not like natural hair, but perhaps not to the extent that he expressed it. I agree with those who suggest that there could be something deeper.
Go with love (including self love), understanding and kindness!

Bmw said...

I thank goodness that I am dating with my natural hair. You handled it way better than I could pregnant. Bless u.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wish we could tell these men to grow one of THEIR body parts, thicker, longer and more to OUR satisfaction or we're leaving THEM. I admire the writer for sharing her story and for handling an immature tantrum in a REALLY mature way. I'm admire her more for being willing to compromise without sacrificing herself in the process.

Anonymous said...

Again he said the underlying issue I quote I FELT LIKE YOU WERE IGNORING HOW I FELT! The hair is just the focal point because it expresses how the wife feels and is very important her! And depending on the level of being deprived of a thing is the level of pay off you go after to get it IE your hair or your marriage! You said he is a good hubby so that means he not a complete jerk just a moment for him out of desperation! Sweetheart take care of your mans need to feel important to you and he won't keep asking you to prove it by this type of ultimative! The pay off what of been big for him if you did it so it must be pretty bad or along time since he felt the most important to you! Some people turn to cheating glad he used the hair to get a wake up call and not that. We woman are too quick to paint our men as the bad guy because of all the bad experiences we've had with men (dads including) let him be the good guy most days he'll live you for it! And don't let anyone including us bloggers make him the bad guy! He married you yaw got a beautiful family he stays home with the baby you said both of you cook! He sounds like a cool dude to me and there are lots of woman too quick to give him instant gratification to replace his lack of needs being met! Your choose marriage be accoutable to it both of you!

fuzzypuff said...

He's not upset about your hair...

Tasha said...

Wow, I don't feel like I can comment a) because I'm not married b) I haven't been in that serious of a relationship to know how to react... I don't know how to finish that sentence :s.

But, you are a very brave lady to handle it like that, I feel like my hurt feelings and pride would make to tell him to step! Easy said by me, unmarried no kids. I think his behaviour was disgraceful though. He could of came at you a hundred different ways, rude or otherwise but to tell his partner like that, kids or no kids married or not, was so wrong I can't find words for it....

I can't say much but your your sake I hope he can redeem himself from this one and I hope you truly forgive him. I feel like I would resent him for not just what he said but how he said it. Crazyness

Anonymous said...

I think it is necessary in a relationship to have communication and to "listen" rather than to just "hear" your significant other. But the image and natural beauty of the Black Woman is slowly deteriorating, we need to learn our history, where we come from, who we are, and embrace our beauty, because we are jaded. Trust and believe.

Pecancurls said...

Autumn, your hair looks great! Congratulations on the pregnancy. I am no expert on marriage. 15 years, 2 kids, one year transition and one month natural later my husband was not thrilled about my natural state since he had seen me permed for 20 years. Marriage is about compromise --- give a little, get a little. Hair may not seem that important, but it is a part of the sum that makes you the person your spouse/partner committed him/herself to. My hubs knew going natural was important to me because I wanted to lose baby #2 weight (I've since lost 25 pounds). We have talked openly during my transition and through various hairstyles. He realized he was not wild about braids or weaves, so I did mostly twist outs and updos. I think that part of the lesson may be to always talk....letting things stew and fester will lead to seemingly wild and left field statements. I am glad that you two kept the lines of communication open. Wishing you nothing but happiness from this point forward.

Tgoodmill said...

OMG IM speechless.

Venita said...

I agree with anon 12:30.....WTH and watch out!!! This man has issues and I hate that you had to deal with this while being pregnant. I am impressed by your calm demeanor, but I don't trust this man.

Anonymous said...

IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE IT WAS A DISCUSSION THAT WAS LOOOONGGGGG OVERDUE! However, I hope that they will work through their issues. God know's I would like to see more black couples committed to saving their relationships/marriages.

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like he wanted a "temporary single pass" so he could explore some sidepiece that he met online, at the store or at the gym.

He wanted to start some mess so he could do what he wanted for a couple of months cause the stress of being a man, father and father of two was getting to him so he needed to create chaos so he could sneakily get his rocks off elsewhere.

His issues have jack to do with her hair or his not being heard...he is going to mess up and the collateral damage is going to be a mess but this "man" is on some whole other mess.

PhenomenallyMe said...

Autumn, You are a gorgeous woman and I pray that this is something that strengthens your relationship. I commend you for standing your ground and even more, being extremely proactive about protecting your marriage. Thanks for sharing your story. God Bless.

Anonymous said...

your husband, your life, your hair. I don't know what I would do if I was not able to honestly "do me."

.....and I must confess sometimes I do want straight hair, but I am unwilling to relax again at this time.

Miss Ellis said...

This honestly and truly sounds crazy to me! I mean, that is a drastic statement to make over hair. I know many men do not like the natural look on women but I have never met a man that was unwilling to be with me because of my hair. It sounds like the issue is deeper than hair and I have to agree with another responder, she might want to watch out. This doesn't look like just a hair issue at all and it seems like something that will come back up at a later time. I'm still shocked by what I just read... Wow!

TheRYL1 said...

"Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN."

This right here did it for me. I can't imagine comparing myself to, or wondering about measuring up to HIS FRIEND'S WIFE!!! WOW!

I, too, think the situation is deeper than hair. Why do some men HAVE to grind the woman down to a nub? Does that make him feel a BIGGER man? Better yet, why do some women accept it?

I don't know...I'm just thankful I'm not in that position.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but your husband has to be the worst communicator I have heard of...this is just...I don't even know where to start...

I'm happy LOVE conquered all this time...dang...

Anonymous said...

I really have no words for this. I also think huge chunks of the story are missing. If your husband is willing to lose his marriage over hair, there is an ice cube's chance in hell I'm getting married or going on a date.

Anonymous said...

"I agree with Tootie. That seems a little far fetched that he would want to leave over her hair, I think he was saying that to cover up for the real reason."

I definitely agree...something in the milk ain't clean....Your post really affected me somehow, I'm almost in distress for you...I just hope this is all there is...good luck to you and your husband OP

Rhonda C said...

Ladies, I have 3 fish, 2 daughters and1 husband of 19 years! I have NEVER heard of such *ish in all of my life. She is a much more understanding woman than I could ever be........that's all I got!
~Rhonda C

manemanblog.com said...

Ultimately it's up to those two people what they decide to do with their marriage but sometimes the simplest explanation is best. It seemed like a rant to me so maybe that's what it was.

Anonymous said...

I understand what everyone is saying but men are simple, I'm pretty sure there is no underlining reason as to why he would rather his wife to have straight hair other than the fact that its his preference. I feel as women we sometimes dig deeper to find a "real reason" when the reason is staring us in the face. He doesn't like natural hair and clearly never will but I highly disagree with him jeopardizing his family for it. I think his motive was to scare her because like she said he felt that he was being ignored and clearly wanted to do something drastic to get her attention and he got it! Did he go about it the right way , no but some men suck at expressing their feelings. At least the man was honest and he told her, I always read what some women on here say about their husbands supporting their natural hair. I have more male acquaintances then female and those that are in relationship say things to avoid disagreements. In closing I'm glad you were able to compromise with your hair without losing yourself. I hope you have a LONG, loving, healthy and happy marriage and new baby :)

Anonymous said...

Wow! Tell him to go buy you a nice lacefront. When he sees those prices he might think twice. lol.

aWickedRose said...

Like honestly men feeling like they're not being heard when their women are pregnant is REALLY REALLY common. We get emotional and hormonal and the baby is in our body and so we feel super connected and we can just get to steamroller status quickly. But if that's how he feels that's what he should have said. What he did right here was really hurtful. He's lucky Autumn loves him and their family so much because that would have sent most women over the top.

Anonymous said...

Sorry that you had to experience this especially while pregnant. but between the two year old, time spent with hair (lol and we can spend time with our hair) and the new baby coming he may just feel like he has no control over anything. (whatever that means to him)
Now that you have opened the lines of communication, keep it going. I have been married for 11 years, with two kids and went natural within the last two years.
When baby number two came, we worried how we could do this emotionally and financially and all the stuff that comes with it. It's been rough and communication is the most important factor.

I am happy for the outcome, just keep fighting to make it work.

Anonymous said...

This is insane and really hard for me to believe. But I've heard of a marriage ending for petty, immature issues...and there are controlling men out there.

All I have to say is, beware! He was too ready to split over nonsense, and you never know what foolishness he may come up with next. His readiness to split also makes me wonder if he was up to some dirt on the side, and was looking for a non-reason to justify leaving. I'm sorry, but it had to be said. Be blessed and seek counseling--there's something else going on here.

Anonymous said...

LIKE WHOA!!!! I am so sad for you. I hope you see the beauty in you, and continue to let it radiate, despite the negativity you have to deal with. You have a great community here at curlynikki.com that is supportive of you.

Jay

Anonymous said...

Autumn please look at your marriage a little closer. There is more to this then just about your hair. Im married and was in a very similar situation. My husband came to me and stated that we needed to seperate over something that was so small and at the time i was also six months pregnant. We discussed the small issue and i thought everything was Ok until about a month later i found out that he was cheating on me and that was his true reason for wanting to seperate. No one risk losing there whole family over HAIR.

Ayana Glaze said...

Girl! He is up to no good and is using your "hair" as his justification. Sorry! It's just how I see it. And, if his a** isn't complaining now and you have yet to straighten your hair, I suggest you start to watch his behavior and see if it changes. I would also set up a nanny cam at my house, because something is up.

Far too many times, men make demands of women to justify their own insecurities and guilt. How dare he lay this on you in the middle of your pregnancy! There is definitely a larger issue like his trifling ways.

Nylse said...

22 years married here....all i have to say is this post while honest, made me upset because he clearly has no regard for her feelings. as a man you dont need to give ultimatums to make you a man.
if he's being this stubborn about hair, i cant imagine what would happen if it were something of more consequence.
to me hair is one of those things that's just not a dealbreaker - my hair, your hair, the children's hair...
if he felt his feelings were not being taken in to consideration about other things, then there's much better ways to handle it.
was he really willing to leave? this whole post just rub me the wrong way.

bloggingwhilenursing said...

Wow, leave it up to a guy to start attacking for the wrong reasons. I'm glad that you and your husband was able to work things out. He should have just come out and say that he's not liking some of the hair styles. No need to have a woman all worked up while she's with child.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to make of this.

If he was serious abt leaving over some hair, he's shallow and doesn't prioritize the relationshp. If he wasn't serious abt leaving over some hair he is a really poor communicator who uses ultimatums to get what he wants.

Have Autumn considered marriage counseling? It really might be needed.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Brianna. My intial thoughts were hell no! It's something else! but I think that he was bs-ing you to get his way. Second, if there is a deeper issue, it is that he needs to reasses how he views Black beauty. My cousin is always getting on me on my hair. if his wife went natural I could see him pulling the same childish move. Honestly, this is the hair I was born with! Would you tell me to get a nose job? surgically change my eye color to green? bleach my skin? No! Then it's not okay to expect me to chemically alter my hair to have bone straight ("traditionally not afro-textured hair). Trust me, I have no problems with someone wearing their hair relaxed, brazilian blowout or whatever. The deeper/real question is what is your motive? do you just like the look, managability, etc or are you disgusted with the texture of you hair because it's "too black". i wear my hair kinky curly or straight because I just like it, damn it!

Anonymous said...

Eeww, that is some ish. All I can say is good luck girl friend. Like many others have posted, I am not trying to be a downer, but I have been in a relationship or two and men don't leave you because your hair is nappy, especially when you are his wife. He says you turn him off, but he obviously had sex with you because you are pregnant. I am not trying to upset you but that conversation he had with you was a warning, that if he is not already with someone else, he has his eye on someone. You better watch the home front for signs of intruders. Sounds like his 7 year itch is coming a bit early.

Anonymous said...

Forgot to mention that you need to check his phone records leading up to when he called you @ work...

Gretchen said...

Wow! What an amazing story! Incredible.

Kasey said...

I seriously doubt that a small issue such as hair should have the ability to completely make a marriage fall apart.
I feel as that that was really immature of your husband. If he's acting out over something like hair (especially when he probably knows how much it matters to you)-- when bigger problems arise~ is he guaranteed to loose his complete cool then?
Honestly this doesn't sound like the makings of a stable marriage.
Either that, or this post/rant can be attributed to your pregnancy hormones. Thus making you highly emotional over seemingly major things :)

Anonymous said...

God Bless You and thank you for sharing. Men are very visual. Marriage is a rollercoaster. God forbid if this type of thinking/failure to express oneself meets chemo. Married/committed women should definitely speak with their partner about everything, at all times (consistently). This includes your hair journey.

Jeannette said...

I know this may sound blunt but it's with ALL due respect...I say speak to a LICENSED MARRIAGE COUNSELOR! The fact that he wanted to split up over your hair choice is beyond me. I believe many of us here on this site (perhaps maybe not Nikki as she is a trained professional) are really not equipped to give our "two cents" about this matter. Autumn, I seriously think that you and your husband need to speak to a trained professional and I wish you all the best!

Anonymous said...

That New York Times article was deep I will have to keep a mental note of that in my marriage...to the guest blogger who wrote this I wish you the best of luck in your marriage i cant imagine my husband coming out his mouth about MY hair however you know your husband better then any of us and if you choose to forgive his actions then you know what you are doing. All the best

whisper29

Anonymous said...

In response to some folks not liking how some responded to this story, this is a social, public forum. If the poster wasn't open to what people thought about it, I don't think she would have posted the story. People come from different walks of life; we all have different ways we might have responded to this situation. Anyhow, this story just made me appreciate my husband. I'm glad we can discuss things before they get blown out of proportion. And we accept each other, flaws and all...his X-Box gaming and my constant need to have the heat on. : - ) Our marriage isn't perfect, but we are always working on making our marriage better each day. I think it comes down to what two people decide works best in their marriage.

Sugabelly said...

Sorry but her husband is a fucking douche.

If she was white would he have told her that he didn't like her own hair? Why is it only Black women that people develop the temerity to do this to.

mizznaturallyme said...

Wow. I'm not married, but I'm in grad school for marriage counseling. I have to agree that the real issue has not been addressed. Calling it quits over hair when you have a child and one in the oven is insane. It makes absolutely no sense. And when that happens, it's time to start looking where the fire really is. If he felt invalidated and ignored, wouldn't it have been much easier to simply say that? I commend her for her response, it could have gotten really ugly, really quickly and that would not have been good for anyone. I know me and it would have gone down a totally different way, probably ending with a neccessary divorce because he would not have been able to get over the things I would have said lol. But seriously, I don't think this is over, only the beginning of something bigger.

Melissa said...

@Lacoya S...good for you. loved your comment. Her marriage..her business...point blank.

Anonymous said...

Not trying to sound negative...but the fact that he was willing to throw your marriage away over hair sounds strange to me. I think there was way more to the story and the comment on your hair was a copout. I mean your hair may have bothered him but there probably is a deeper issue and this may have been the icing on the cake. Are you sure there may not be another women involved (ie cheating)? I strongly suggest marriage counseling because I don't think the issue has been resolved it just sounds like it may be buried. I wish you and your family the best.

Nicole

Sophie said...

I already posted, but I have another comment after reading some more comments. I do think that sharing this story opened the whole thing up to people giving their opinions. I think she took the *much* higher ground in this situation, so that's a good thing to take from this. That said, it's not like we overheard this argument from our front yard and then started making all kinds of comments on it. It's posted on the internet by the choice of the person involved. For the most part, it seems like people who disagree wish her well, but don't think something that elicited that sort of threat to end a marriage should be brushed off because it could turn into something that will make both of them profoundly unhappy.

Crystal said...

@ All who say this is her business LOL This was her business when she kept it her business but once she shared it on a blog, she invited other people into her business. I am sure she did this, because she wanted to read these healthy and unhealthy responses, to try and get affirmatin for what she already knows about her situation.
People don't just say they want a divorce because of a hair change. That's just like him shaving and she saying she don't like him without hair on his face and he didn't inform her about the decision and she wasn't a divorce.
Bits and pieces of this story have been eliminated. I sincerely pray she gets the answer(confirmation) she already knows.

Ashley said...

Here is Autumn's big chop story:
http://www.curlynikki.com/2011/02/i-big-chopped-autumn.html

She is such a beautiful woman.(I love her freckles!) I don't understand why her husband would take such drastic measures over something so trivial. I have to agree with the majority & say there are some underlying issues that must be resolved in order for you to have a successful marriage.

TwistedSister said...

Its hard to see this anyway but irrefutably insensitive. Your husband may be reacting to the fact that life is changing again with a new baby on the way. He wants to see the old you again, as it just so happens, the old you had straight hair. I think you handled it well, but I have to admit my first response would have been, "oh well..."

MommieDearest said...

Whether hubby was actually upset about her hair, or upset about something else and used hair as an excuse, or is simply a bad communicator- IMO it matters a damn. Bottom line is that he is selfish and a narcisist (sp?)and possibly a control freak. Just the very fact that he would call her on her job, while she is 5 months pregnant, with some bullsiht says that he has no problem putting his own desires above hers, no matter how inappropriate. What would have happened if she had gone into hysterics in the car and they had an accident as a result? What if she went into a depression? What if she had been so upset that she fainted? Had a miscarriage? They are very, VERY fortunate that she was able to keep it together and be rational in the face of his nonsense.

I think the last thing that she needs to worry about with this man is hair. Any man that is so high-maintenance that he would put his wants over his wife's personal safety is..., well..... dang, I have no words to express it...

MsXpat said...

Without knowing the relationship history its seems unfair to comment. However, well done for keeping your cool and talking through it. No doubt some men black or otherwise can't seem to accept natural hair whether or not he's had a sibling with natural hair as a child. We working against years of negative publicity and sterotypes for natural hair. The same way we have to educate/re-educate society about the beauty of natural hair, we also need to do that our loved ones. Sometimes just being happy and comfortable in our own skin makes makes the point.

TiAnna Mae said...

If I were her, I'd be counting down the time before I needed to pack me and baby girl's bags up. This man has issues, to say the least, and it's only a matter of time before they resurface. Maybe he's on the DL; that's the only reason I can think of that hair would be that serious.

tiannamae.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Side Note (sort of):
I have a dear friend who is married and who was relaxed (and had a very classic look) but mostly wore her hair up prior to her getting married. She went natural for a few years into the marriage. They have one son. My friend started getting heat from her very "traditional" (or should I say conventional) mother-in law AND from her husband re: her natural hair. So, she relaxed her hair and started doing all kinds of interesting hairstyles, bright stylish clothes and great makeup. She looks great.
Her husband , who was rather cold to her before she went back to relaxing, is even colder to her now and doesn't really show her much attention. Now, although she cooks fabulous meals, brings home some serious bacon, AND takes care of her whole family, she pours all of her emotional energy into their son and virtually treats him like the spouse. She is still married, but not happy with her husband.
I don't know all the details of their marriage, but (from the outside looking in) it seems as though her hair was just a tangible excuse he could give his mother, himself and my friend to be cold -as idiotic as that may seem. Even though she straightened her hair, his attitude got worse. She says negative things about her husband all the time and has done so in front of their son. Not a good situation.

To Autumn:
Just some food for thought. This is what your life could look like down the line. Get help for your marriage and don't be afraid to be completely honest with yourself, accept the truth (whatever that may be) and act in the best interest of ALL involved (including yourself).
Peace!

MissB said...

^^MommieDearest...preach.

And that's all I have to say...

TiAnna Mae said...

BTW, I'm not sure if this story is about the woman in the photo above, but you look gorgeous and your hair is super fly in the photo above. I can't imagine you with straight hair at this length, and it definitely wouldn't look as cute as what you have going on right now. IMO, but do you!!! I do not believe in divorce, but if he leaves, then toodoloo!!

tiannamae.blogspot.com

dajewel1982 said...

ummm, am sorry but this story seems so odd...and what are the "straight styles" that he wanted without straightening??

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I have to cosign with those who say this is about a lot more than just hair. I'm happy that she's come to a "compromise" of sorts, but I hope they go to some kind of counseling and identify what's really going on here. Otherwise I fear the next time we hear from her, she will be writing from her parents' house where she's moved in with the kids.

And yeah, stories like this make me grateful that I'm already committed to being natural. I don't straighten my hair and I don't wear store-bought hair. What you see is what you get...and if you don't like it, no harm no foul...

luvmylocs said...

hi autumn, i'm sorry you had to deal with this at all but especially (1) while you are pregnant and (2) while you were in the middle of your work day. his comment and even some of his responses to your questions were extreme and hurtful and while it can be forgiven it's just not acceptable to me at all and my marital status has nothing to do with how i feel. if this is what marriage is about then i don't know if that's what i want. i'm not saying your husband is a monster but who in their right mind suggests "splitting up" to a pregnant woman in the middle of her work day because of how she wears her hair?

on so many levels you acted maturely and not at all like a hormone controlled pregnant woman - you didn't harm him or yourself. you thought things out and came up with good questions to talk about with your husband. you held your ground and didn't relax your natural hair. and finally, you seemed to have let this go and are not bitter about it. that said, i agree that counseling would be a very good idea. as many others have suggested there is more going on here without a doubt. a simple explanation might be that your husband has some sort of mental/emotional disorder and i'm not saying that the be funny at all.

hugs....

Anonymous said...

1. It wasn't about hair it was about him feeling like his wife was disregarding his feelings and desires. That's much deeper than people are making it out to be.
2. Though this wasn't the most mature way to communicate it, it seems that he was threatening a separation to get his point across (though I am not sure he ultimately did since the convo centered around hair and not his feeling like she disregarded his inputs)

It's always so tricky to weigh in on people's relationships when we can only see a glimpse of it and lack context.

Anonymous said...

There's something super fishy with the way he reacted. I hope that he can find a solution for whatever it was that was really bothering him. That said, I in no way condoning my partner saying "change your hair or i'll leave" but if your hair- style [or, sigh, texture] affects your attractiveness in his eyes then that's actually a very valid point. People divorce over weight gain or loss; drastic plastic surgery changes; and, i'm sure, hair all the time. It may seem trivial to many of us who have never experienced the *other* side of this story [I've never dated a guy who went from a low cut to dreads to a fro; and besides, women tend to think it's best to 'stick- it' and that our husband's physical changes aren't valid reasons to move on] but it's valid none the less. But, again, I think you're hubby may be dealing with something else. Is he overwhelmed being at home with baby? Is he nervous about the new- born? Does he feel neglected? It's odd that you yell, "we will not lose our love over hair" and he yells, "yeah... that's something i've thought about/might/could do." Good luck, mama!

luvmylocs said...

even IF this is about more than hair, which i don't know if we can assume that either since things are good again i still maintain that his timing and actions were wrong because she was pregnant and in the middle of the workday. i know some don't agree but extreme upset (like a spouse threatening separation) during pregnancy could harm the baby and even cause pre-term labor in some women. that alone makes this whole things horrible in my book.

Oniea said...

Is just a psycho/sociopath.
I've been the same situation ( but different). He can feel that 1. you have low self-esteem or low self worth( these things are usually not your fault, an abusive childhood,depression or constant rejection can cause this)2. you are in a vulnerable situation because of your pregnancy.
He's taking advantage of those two factors. It will get worse.

Dreams of Curls said...

A few weeks ago I committed mentally to going "natural". My hair is just past the middle of my back in length and full. Besides the fact that I'm fine :) when my hair is fresh, straight, bouncy and blowing in the wind men of all ages,races and creeds get caught up and are somewhat memorized by my hair. This story resonates a little because I wondered how my hair was going to affect my future affect on the opposite sex. While not everyone subscribes to the straight is better philosophy. We live in a very Euro-centric world. The Euro standard of beauty has invaded all ethnic cultures Asians, Indians, African ect..
I mentioned to a couple friends I was going natural and the reaction was as if I said I was going to eat my young for dinner. One friend was upset with me and couldn't shut her mouth about why I shuldn't.
Some of you are saying this lady's husband's issues are deeper than her hair being natural. That may or may not be true. What is true is the fact our hair causes issues that run deep for everyone that comes face to face with the "natural". It seems to stir up a variation of deep rooted emotions....that of empowerment, embarrassment, disdain, admiration, gilt,pride, anger, challenge, rebellion just to name a few. But we can't or don't communicate honestly those deep rooted emotions weather positive or negative.

Anonymous said...

also if i were her, i would make up a name and not use my picture...this is such personal info...

dreams of curls, i think people are aware of that but to mention seperating to your WIFE who is pregnant, and while she's on her lunch break?? Because of HAIR?! WTF NO. It's just weird how people are giving him a pass because he's a man.

This is something a deranged person with zero social skills would do...it's either he's that or there's something going on. He should be watching out for his wife and taking care of her as she's pregnant, yet he's about to split because of hair. Yeah right.

At the end of the day though only he and God know the truth and nothing but the whole truth.

The drama is just too much...

Anonymous said...

u poor thing. u already know what the "ISSUE" is my dear. Personally I would leave his ass. Pregnant and all. Life is too short. Me and my children could be happy with someone else. But still i wish u all the best, and i hope it never comes to divorce. I hope the two of you try marriage counselling before the "ISSUE" resurfaces and it will. If u choose to wear ur hair straight, it should be because u like it. not because ur pressured to. He cant see that ur beautiful no matter what. (FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE). would he like it if u wanted a divorce because he gained 10 pounds. Its so not about "nappy hair" :( Divorce over ur hair(WTF) = check his phone n his facebook, and his friends. Im wondering where the white girl is hiding. :(
Deprogram him mama, U can do it!!!!
This is just my 2 cents. U can choose to ignore it, but ive seen this all before.

Anonymous said...

At first I wanted to cry but I had to remember back when I was in my 5th year of marrige. I've been married 20 years now.My husband encouraged me to go natural when I was too scared to do it. Now I proudly sport my locs. Your husband was very insensitive with his comment. But imagine the conversation between him and his friend and the friend saying guess what my wife did for me. That in turn made her husbnd think if you love me like my boys wife loves him you will do the same. I don't think there is any underlying reasons for his comment. Men value others peoples marriages they just have to understand that what worked for his friends marriage is not always going to work for his. It's only been 5 years. Trust he is going to say more than enough stupid stuff for years to come. Just to see what you will do. In my old opinion, you're off to a good start. Stay Nappy!

Anonymous said...

I am not really one to give relationship advice, but I would say that if someone really and truly loves you, then they should accept EVERYTHING about you, and not be willing to leave you because you won't change to how THEY want you to be....

Anonymous said...

Though i believe that getting a divorce over hair is ridiculous at best, i think it is important for many of the commenters to remember that when they got together she had long, straight hair. So it is not as if he married her with natural hair and all of a sudden decided that he hated it now. It was obviously part of what attracted him to her. How is it any different from getting plastic surgery or other changes that go against what your partner likes, especially if you knew from the beginning his/her views. I believe that the deeper issue has more to do with him not feeling that his views were being considered. Yes it is nice and wonderful for the wife or the husband to do what makes them as individuals feel good but since you're not single anymore then more consideration needs to made to your spouse and his/her needs. Not being willing to compromise because each person is just looking to do what feels right for his/herselves often ends in divorce. Someone once said that you cant be a single woman in a marriage. I really do hope that they would seek to work out their differences with better communication and certainly compromise.

Anonymous said...

&& ya'll still together?? I would've BEEN left. First it starts with the hair and ends up somewhere else.

Anonymous said...

Thank god i date interracially

Anonymous said...

I love everyone is soooo upset over it...coz dang...i am too. praying for you sweetie!

Anonymous said...

Good god almighty I'm just seething reading this article.. When did LOVE and RESPECT and LOYALTY become contingent on the texture of your hair.. As a married woman myself, I will call a spade a spade, and it's a cop out to believe that this is a childish rant..at no point in time is it ok ever to basically demean your partner in life and threaten to leave them because of their hair.. Say it out loud, and hear how asinine it sounds... Your husband is an ass for even thinking he could say this to you.. Please seek counseling because honey where there's smoke, theres FIRE. If something as simple as the way you wear your hair can trigger the we need to split conversation, this man is not happy!

Anonymous said...

If there is someone else, your hubby is acting out by making the hair the excuse because his true image of beauty is long, flowing hair, I don't see how you get around that one.

My concerns are:

If you start relaxing to suit him, you won't be happy and fulfilled - will end up resenting him- and in the end, that may not be enough for him (depending on what his real issue is).
If you don't relax your hair, he will possibly feel a loss of power and control. . . and will act out again.
If you simply straighten at times, he will possibly still feel like he doesn't have the level of commitment (read: power and control) from you that he wants.
If you keep the natural and don't do anything, he will surely act out again and again and again.

I don't know how one compromises and keeps a healthy sustainable marriage in this face of something like this, but Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with some of the posts here. This was a cop out. He is a snake and will find something else to bicker about. However there was a reason the writer sent this to CN perhaps she too, deep in her heart knows its something more?

In short, he ain't worth all that(you changing and tiptoeing around to make HIM happy).

EmmaG said...

What if she had told him on his lunch break that she thinks he should grow a couple o' inches down there or get a divorce, then say 'I'll never leave you, i don't want any other man'? She's pregnant/vulnerable, that's why she responded so well. Some people probably would have stopped that car, got out, grabbed a windshield wiper and whooped some African into him. It's true. Always some stupid black man with nappy hair, running around trying to whiten, lighten or straighten his woman. Still living on the plantation in his mind.

Anonymous said...

Leave his arse! It's more to it than your hair -that was the easy route.

He didn't think enough of you to tell you after you got home from work. You've been natural for over a yr and he's just now getting the courage to say this to you.

I'm sure there's more to come...BEWARE!

Honeysmoke said...

So sorry I am late to this party. His issue may not be with wife's hair, but he definitely has an issue with his wife. This story is not over.

Anonymous said...

ok clearly there's a whole bunch of sugar coating going on here cuz the story make no sense with that lovey dovey ending. i suspect u still got probs homegirl. goodluck with that.

Anonymous said...

Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN...This SUMS IT UP...PLEASE SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR! Who the hell asked him if he wanted another woman??

Anonymous said...

Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN...This SUMS IT UP. PLEASE SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR...WHO THE HELL ASKED HIM IF WANTED ANOTHER WOMAN??

Anonymous said...

i really wish misguided females like swirliecurlies would read their stupid generalization of a post and think about it before putting it out in the world. just to make it abundantly clear, swirlycurly u are the equivalent of dudes who generalize all black women as loud angry and finger snapping or all natural females as feminist lesbos. there are infinite number of black men who appreciate black women in all their natural glory and there are others who dont. fix ur attitude and stop pre-judging ppl and u might be in for a surprise. i personally have YET to encounter a single black male who fits the caricature so many of u color struck birds are so angry about. ughhhh. love who u love for who they are! not their color or hair texture or other superficial dotishness.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, not buying this whole post. This just doesn't sound right. If I am wrong then it's just a corny ass relationship!I wouldn't trust him with my child!

KK said...

I just want to take a step back from her husband's nonsense and say that I've seen the past posts of pictures throughout her growth journey. Her hair has really taken off in terms of growth. I'm growing out my TWA so I'm still in that dry hair/trying to find products that I love/not long enough to put in a ponytail but too long to be a cute cut awkward phase. She inspires me. But back to the topic, her husband's actions were completely asinine and I really hope this was merely a tantrum on his part and not something deeper. She's a clear catch to me and if he can't see what he truly has then then he's crazy.

Parker.renee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
beadgyrl said...

Wow, you got some hella responses on this one! My heart goes out to you my dear. I experienced something close to your situation. For the past 2 years my boyfriend has given me HELL... pure HELL over my natural hair. I have had many, many ups and downs with him, but he finally got used to it. Every now and then I still get a smart comment, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I was shocked at your husbands initial approach to you....and yes, over some damn hair!?! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now, and we have NO kids together, and he never wanted to dump me over it. He requested me to straighten it a few times but never, 'we need to break up.' But again I do feel your pain. Because although there are some naturals who have very accepting and understanding sig-o's, there are many of us out here who DON'T. All I can say is hang in there, and stand your ground girl. Because if you give in and relax it for him, you WILL resent him for it, and then you are giving up YOU, and who YOU want to be. I refuse to do that. I am going to be me, no matter what. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. God Bless! : )

Anonymous said...

I totally understand and agree that he didn't communicate his desires very well. My husband also doesn't prefer my natural curly hair. I acknoweledged his preferences by straightening at least once a month.

Sabrina said...

I'm not understanding how that turned around so easily. I wouldn't want to be with a man who like straight hair over the natural hair that grew out of my head. That's just me and yes I"m married and yes my husband never had a problem with my hair becuase he says he married me and NOT my hair. He likes it anyway I wear it.

Anonymous said...

the here and there comments putting down black men are stupid. just stop, your issues are showing and the tripe you are spewing have nothing to do with this situation....a man of any other race could pull some crazy ish like this even WORSE...it's not even a factor here...

Anonymous said...

After reading this letter I completely understand the situation at hand, being that I am natural and my husband makes remarks about my hair.....Not to the extinct that he would leave though. This topic comes up ALL the time when my and family get together....as a matter of fact last weekend my baby brother got married and before the wedding started my uncle and I were conversating about natural hair and he kept making jokes about it and was saying that "HE" knows that his wife better not go natural. He said that if she do, then he would die his hair blonde and get blue contacts! Lol....he is so crazy! He stated that he does not want to run his fingers thru kunta kinte' hair at night :(.....We found ourselves still conversating during the wedding and at the reception....Like who does that!!!!!Lol... But to get to the point about the topic...Sometimes we as women do not know the livlihood of men an what to them makes/complete them as men. We have no idea what goes on thru their head about being a man...Him having his wife with straight long hair could have increased his ego as a man that had the "trophy" wife....Beautiful,smart,intelligent,hardworking,attractive,LONG STRAIGHT HAIR,mother,lover,sexy, the list can go on. This to him is what stroked his ego and made him feel good about being a "MAN" and the fact that she changed the description in his world freaked him out! That's just a man. Most men do not like change. For all we/she know he may have never been around someone with natural hair let alone dated someone with natural hair. I don't think that there is anything going on outside of his marriage or that he is unhappy. There is just an adjustment to his list of descriptions of what qualifies him as man. Just my opinion....I tip my hat off to her,for being a woman that clearly knows how to be prudent,and wise about communicating to her husband....Way to go Girl.....

luvmylocs said...

@ Parker.renee i can understand your boyfriend not liking a fade, honestly it is a more harsh look on most women but autumn doesn't have a fade, she has some hair that is styled not to mention makeup and earrings and feminine clothing, plus they are MARRIED and she is PREGNANT and he didn't just express disdain for her hair, he JUMPED to SEPARATION. plus (and no offense meant) a grown MAN'S response should in NO WAY mirror that of your 20 year old (or around that) boyfriend!!!!

Beautifulspiret said...

Ladies, please re-read the article. She said that he did not actually say that, but because of her highly hormonal state, she felt like he did because he did not express himself in the most mature fashion.I have done that before, heard (actually felt like) someone say something that they never actually said.I cannot give her any advice on how to best handle her relationship because I don't know him nor her, nor do I know the ins and outs of their relationship. Apparently they worked it out in a way that worked for the both of them. God Bless you sister and I wish you the best.

Ms. Harmony said...

Wow! I'm so glad you guys worked through it. You are right he didn't know how to properly express his feelings. My boyfriend loves my natural hair but likes it straighter more because he can really see the length. So I improvise and straighten once or twice a year usually for his birthday. I'm so happy to know you didn't loose your marriage and family over hair. You had me a little scared for a moment. :*) God bless and take care!!

Frankie said...

You know...my father and my ex were the same way. They both asked me what happened to my "straight" hair and the fact that my hair didn't look like it was done. But I waited for the right moment to tell them how I felt and let them know never to mention anything about my hair again. It's about boundaries and sensitivity. I am glad that you and your husband went about this discussion in a positive and productive manner.Compromising in some cases is key.

Anonymous said...

I would have more respect for the husband if just ASKED her to wear her straight every now and then. The text that "we need to talk" was just an introduction to the REAL DRAMA "we need to split up". He took a big chance on her emotional state and pregnancy unloading that mess on her. And to top it off, I think he never intended to leave. He's working from home, caring for a toddler, and it sounds as if he as a wife who really cares about what he thinks. If he left, he would risk losing all of that. Personally, I would have told him (assuming he's African American)-- I married you loving the nappy hair on your head, over your lips, on your cheeks, chin and everywhere else...hint, hint. If you wanted a woman with straight hair, you should have gone shopping somewhere else. Good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

Skinny Kenny would be rolling his eyes. Your story sounds like an ABC Monday night movie (back in the day). Drama then everything perfect just before the last commerical break. Sounds a bit far fetched that it is just your hair that he has issues with. Probably thought WTF after he said all that, then came to his senses. I'm not sure that you need good luck, rather a good a*s lawyer when he decides to pull this crap later on.

Anonymous said...

Very confusing and sounds kinda strange. I feel guilty for waiting my time on something so far out!

Tlynnsmith said...

She "can't imagine" life without that man? Really? Well, she better start, cuz he's already indicated he ain't down with forever.

He was ready to imagine life without her...all because she didn't want to straighten her hair? Buzzard...I wish a man would threaten to walk, over my hair. I'd help him pack...regardless of how much I loved him, cuz it would be clear to me the love was one-sided. If it's not hair today, it'll be something else tomorrow. I'd rather start gettin' over him sooner, rather than later.

These so-called "men" are jokes, and they ain't funny. I feel real sorry for this woman, because she REALLY thinks that she's got a grip on that slippery dude.

Whatevah...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing Autumn. But I wonder if he would be so considerate of you or the marriage if the shoe was on the other foot.
Let's say you don't like the clean shaven look and want him to grow locs. If you threatened him with leaving, would he take the time to evaluate your concerns? If the answer is yes-then fight for this. But if you question his patience for you---then I agree with a majority of ppl on this post, something else is underlining this problem!
***Wishing you the BEST***

DBlkMoses said...

If that is your picture, you are an exceptionally beautiful woman! I can't fathom why someone would request you to look like someone else. I know my sistas, your husbands married a permie and all of a sudden you change the script. My question to that is...if they are unhappy with your hair, do they really love you for you? Were their vows to your completely false? When a simple act of changing your hairstyle to the way God created you trickles down to a "we need to split up" comment? Sorry, I'm trying to respect the fact that you maintained the peace in your relationship, but it will come up again. How far are you willing to go to sacrifice yourself for the marriage?

Anonymous said...

wth? please help me understand this-- you will no lose your husband over your hair but he's willing to let you go over your hair, and that somehow is okay with you?!?! sounds like this marriage has more problems then hair, and he was looking for a cop-out. i would not be surprised if this comes up again, in another form down the line.

my husband does not like my hair (and that's okay, i don't like his weight--and what?), but the day he says he will not be with me because of it, is the day that we go see a counselor (or worse) because that audacious beyond belief.

Anonymous said...

This is...bizarre and disturbing. This man will eventually leave and she will try to conform to his beauty standards, and still lose him.

Naturally yours... said...

I love my natural sistas...I really do, but let's be real for a moment...

Real real, for real talk...had my husband come to me while five months pregnant and said I think we should split up because your hair is natural...i would have dug deep down in my purse for my Rattail comb and stabbed his ass in the chest. Then proceeded to push him out of the car, drove to pick up my beautiful baby girl and left her father...the same father and husband who is so superficial that he would leave his loving 5 months pregnant wife and beautiful daughter because he did not like the hair that was growing from her scalp--right on the side of the road to bleed a slow and stupidly painful death!

Okay, that seems a bit Quinten Tarinto-esque...true. but really. This seems like a really bad straight to video movie.

I mean what next? What will he do in 20 years when her looks fade and this woman is perhaps 30lbs heavier, but has raised emotionally and mentally stable, smart and well-behaved young adults. This man is a complete jerk. Is this his interpretation of the vows he took...in sickness and in health, til death do thee part... or in this case, til i decide to hate your God-given hair, literally.

I honestly hope that she understands that her husband will pull a disrespectful, childish, unkind and hurtful stunt like this again...and I hope the next time she puts together a list of questions, it is in fact a statement...I Love myself just the way I am; I look in the mirror and love what I see; and I have many qualities, traits and talents that make me unique.

Especially since her husband clearly hates himself. Good luck to this woman and GODSPEED.

Honeysmoke said...

On second thought, get thee to marriage counseling.

KG said...

1. Glad they worked it out.
2. Something sounds off in the relationship because he gambled his marriage over hair (period).
3. God bless them.

Amen
thekgtheory.com

Natasha said...

You are brave for sharing this with us, generous and kind with how you handled the situation, and beautiful. I'm happy that the situation worked out in a way that both of you are happy and in love (as you say), and will keep praying for your marriage. Marriage is hardwork and there are definitely moments when giving up may look great, but when it really works it can be so rewarding.

All the best,
Natasha

Melinda said...

Okay, so he married you for your hair huh, it is that easy to say, "it's over" because of your hair??? Really???

Anonymous said...

WOW.."We need to split up" sounds like his "ace"...be mindful..good luck

Anonymous said...

Is this story for real? This is really silly.

Anonymous said...

nothing like a self-hating black man.

Anonymous said...

I agree with someone who posted earlier with the comment that Autumn should be careful about posting her personal business on the internet. Now, she may have to deal with friends and family who hear about this and will start looking at either she or her husband with a skeptical eye or giving them unwanted advice.
Not to mention a husband who may not appreciate his family business being spread out there for the world to see and talk about.
Perhaps she wants advice and that's why she posted this on such a public forum, but it probably would have been a good idea to post it in anonymous fashion as a "Dear Abbie" type of thing.

I also think that her husband was quite insensitive in the way he handled this episode of his feelings about her hair. perhaps it has been going on a long time (since she BC's, in fact), but Autumn is pregnant now and there is a dependent life involved. Upsetting her to this degree at this particular time is just plain wrong. She has been natural for a year and he just got all up in arms today??? WHY today?? Her hair was nappy before she got pregnant and it will probably still be so after she gives birth and the pregnancy is over. . . and all of a sudden it has caused a breakdown in the marriage. I mean, I know that kinky hair is VERY powerful, but come on dude!!!

Kelli said...

This article really rubbed me the wrong way, and has reinforced my concern about being natural and dating.

DivaMax said...

Can we ask the question so many are thinking and hoping someone will address? Is this a Black husband??? I hope the author provides the answer.

Anonymous said...

Too much personal information for a public forum like this. Does your husband know that you're airing your relationship issues on a natural hair blog? I tend to agree with Anonymous @ 8:16...something about this post just doesn't seem authentic to me.

Anonymous said...

Love in a marriage should be unconditional.His focus certainly was not on your feelings, but that was very selfish. If my husband were to threaten to end our marriage over hair, then its something deeper. What is he going to try to leave for next, cause he doesnt like the type of toothpaste you use?? I'm afraid that if something were to happen on a serious note (God forbid) to where you loose your hair for example, then what?? Straight, curly, nappy, bald, a husband should stick with you no matter what!

Ohboy said...

Many things. I know it takes courage to share but:
1. Please stop posting your personal business online and please tell me you menitioned to your husband that you were doing so.
2. Please see a professional marriage counselor.
3. I think this wasn't just about hair but I *hope* that too. If not, you married a dangerously superficial man.
4. I am usually an "its just hair" person but in this case, it is not just hair. He wanted you to put a caustic chemical on your body while you were five months pregnant so he could feel more of a man/more attracted to you/more powerful? That. Is. Not. Healthy.
5. I'm going to guess that if he is black his hair is probably "nappy" too. He may need some personal counseling as well to deal with his lack of self love.
6. Stop posting your business online and get some counseling (solo and marital) and a plan for to care for yourself and two children alone.

Anonymous said...

Many things. I know it takes courage to share but:
1. Please stop posting your personal business online and please tell me you menitioned to your husband that you were doing so.
2. Please see a professional marriage counselor.
3. I think this wasn't just about hair but I *hope* that too. If not, you married a dangerously superficial man.
4. I am usually an "its just hair" person but in this case, it is not just hair. He wanted you to put a caustic chemical on your body while you were five months pregnant so he could feel more of a man/more attracted to you/more powerful? That. Is. Not. Healthy.
5. I'm going to guess that if he is black his hair is probably "nappy" too. He may need some personal counseling as well to deal with his lack of self love.
6. Stop posting your business online and get some counseling (solo and marital) and a plan for to care for yourself and two children alone.

Anonymous said...

I think this post should be re-written to state exactly what the husband said as Autumn did admit that his exact words were not "We need to split up" but that was all she was hearing because of her hormones.

I also do not think that she should have put this post up as she has unfortunately made her husband look bad and marriage is supposed to be a sacred and mostly private matter.

I also think there is more to this matter than has been stated up here.

Anonymous said...

Not to be funny at all, but I'm curious as to what HIS reaction would have been if you were like, "ok, yes, We're splitting up". Because like others had posted, I don't think his main goal was to leave, but to more ask about switching up the style, just not in a good way. Proper Communication is key!

sonia said...

I really admire the way you tackled the whole issue. I wish I knew someone like you personally.

Anonymous said...

WOW!!! First, I must say, I am glad you all were able to work out this issue. I've said it time and time again that marriage is not easy.
Communication is a key factor...and given that MOST men are emotionally immature (whether is be how they were raised or the social environment they associate with,,,which is usually the main culprit) they just don't communicate effectively which leads to situations like this.
I will say that in approximately two more years this type of childish behavior WILL happen again. It is part of the evolution of a marital relationship. So whether it's hair, or the way you dress, or the food you eat...your husband will have to learn to communicate his TRUE feeling in an adult way or you will have to decide the best way to deal with him, in an adult way, that will protect the feelings of you and your children.
I wish you the best in your relationship, pregnancy, and natural hair journey!

carrientoe said...

how my God i read ths fighting back tears.... you handled it so well, here's to strong women like you <3

Anonymous said...

This had me fighting back tears of laughter. I mean really? You upset over some butthead that leaves because you have nappy hair? Fuck em dear.

Sarah said...

To all the people who have commented that Autumn should have kept her 'personal business' to herself, I for one am glad she chose to share this. Many of us deal with negativity from partners and family when it comes to our switch to natural hair and it is helpful to have someone be this honest and share it with the CN community.

Shannon Rhem said...

I'm glad you were able to work that out. God knows when I was pregnant, I was an emotional mess. I was also transitioning for the first time, if my fiance had said anything remotely similar to what your husband had said to her, my first reaction would have been to punch him in his throat. Heck, if he said anything to me now about my hair I'd still punch him in his throat. Attitudes about MY hair make ME angry. If you feel beautiful and confident, then he should be happy that you're happy. It takes a lot to get to that place. I feel like he had no consideration of her feelings at that moment, we don't know exactly what he said, but its hair... he obviously knows it can be changed, so wth? I probably would have just cursed my fiance out while he was laying on the ground writhing in pain, and later came back to talk it out. There's more to a person than just hair, if that's the case you could go buy some just to please them. It's absolutely absurd.

Anonymous said...

hmmm I guess I'm glad you still married but I think there was something more I don't even think it was about the hair since he waited over a year, so I'd watch out for deeper issues, he may not have been happy for other reasons

Anonymous said...

Well done.

Sheneca said...

WOW!!! selfishness is the #1 reason for divorce and it is hidden behind many mask. I have been married 15 yrs and I am in my mid 30's but one thing I have come to realize is that all though my husband and I are committed to one another and prefer each other in decisions we individually make but we still give each other freedom and room to be ourselves. I don't believe God intends for you to lose our personality, freedom of choice due to marriage. I just recently within 3months did the big chop and my husband was totally like you don't need to but i did it because i needed to and it has sparked personal growth in me. I found out my hair is not nappy and unmanageble, it is curly kinky and i found that my tbeauty does not hang only on my chemically straight hair, yes it took some adjusting but i did it and i found strength in the change. You did a awesome job diffusing the issue and your hair is beautiful. I

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