I thought I had this self-love thing all figured out.
After years of being lost and confused, I finally realized that I was responsible for my own life and my own self-perception. In the words of Ntozake Shange, "I found god in myself and I loved her, I loved her fiercely."
When I opened myself up to this love, my whole mindset changed. Well, kinda.
You see, I thought that finding a purpose would make it easier for me to accept my messiness. This was my dream, to find something to believe in and something to create. This was the heavenly destination I sought. The promised land.
I imagined that I'd be happy all the time, fulfilled in every activity, and loved and understood by everyone who mattered. My messiness wouldn't be a problem, in fact, it would be the source of my ingenuity.
But this evolving purpose, this all consuming creativity not only enchants me, it also alienates me.
It won't leave me alone, and it doesn't come and go. Even in the most euphoric moments -- making love, cuddling with my children, laughing with my friends; I'm still thinking about how to find the words, how to be a vehicle for this deeper vibration, to indulge others like me, who crave inspiration.
I fear that I've come to enjoy my solitude, my creative space so much that perhaps I have distanced myself from people. Monopolized by transformation, I've created my own cocoon. And at times, I wonder if I am hard to love, because I'm so consumed with, and comforted by, my own little world.
Marilyn Monroe said, “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
Since I'm talking about self-love, let's consider this quote from that standpoint.
It's easy to love yourself when you are at your best and everyone is pleased with you. But what about when you have to disappoint people, or when you screw something up, or when you have to hurt someone in order to not betray yourself? Can you handle yourself during those difficult times? Will you still love yourself and love yourself fiercely?
I ask myself these questions and remember that this is about self-perception. I am not hard to love. What does that even mean, really? It's an insecure projection, it's an upper limit problem, and it's part of my journey towards loving myself unconditionally.
If you ever have the thought that you are hard to love, remember that the only context that matters is your own. If it's hard for you to love yourself, then naturally, you will think that it is hard for others to love you too.