December 12, 2013

5 Contradictions That Make Perfect Sense

If you've ever felt like a good girl gone bad, come sit by me. I've lived most of my adult life feeling like a self-conscious paradox - a little self-righteous and sheltered, a little rebellious and damaged. Only ever wanting to make peace with myself and feel free to be everything that I am without remorse.

It hasn't been easy. There are a few inner conflicts that constantly resurface for me.

{1}Procrastinator :: Self-Starter
I'm known for being very reliable and efficient at work. People ask me how I stay organized, and they seek me out to share my best practices.

But in my personal life I'm known for always running late and for waiting until the last minute to do things. Over time, I seem to have developed this unintentional belief that I don't have the capacity to be organized in every aspect of my life. So I keep it tight professionally, and my personal affairs suffer. I know that it doesn't have to be either or, but for me so far it has been.

Read On!>>>

{2}Insecure :: Confident
I'm always genuinely inspired when others reach milestones of success in their lives and careers. At the same time, there are those annoying pangs of worry that can poison the moment . Will I ever accomplish what I want? Will I get left behind? Am I good enough?

Why is it that we tend to overlook all the small milestones long the way? Growth happens so gradually that we can easily miss it altogether and get discouraged because the big, huge thing hasn't happened yet. And why do we fear that there isn't enough love and success to go around??

In spite of the doubts that surface occasionally, I'm confident that I'm on the right path. Confident in talking about my fears. Confident that it's best to feel what you feel while you feel it and then keep going. And the best way to build this confidence is to stop comparing yourself to other people.

{3}Reclusive :: Social
Sometimes the simple presence of people gives me anxiety. I don't remember feeling this way before I had children. I suppose that when I was younger, I had plenty of alone time to recharge and think. Now, I'm almost never alone and I find myself feeling socially impaired as a result.

Plus, I put this unreasonable pressure on myself to always have the right demeanor and the right timing and the right words to say. Overthinking takes the fun out of everything, doesn't it?

{4}Immature :: Mature
I consider myself to be a woman of a certain age now, and sometimes I take myself too seriously. I frown with disapproval at young girls who don't know the difference between how to wear tights and leggings and young men who wear their pants down around their knees. And yet, I'm certain that I was guilty of equivalent crimes against fashion and sensibility when I was coming of age.

Within myself, I have this utter intolerance for any remnants of my younger self that I consider to be irresponsible. I've been burned for being too trusting and too idealistic, and yet I apparently haven't learned because this problem still rears its head just when I think that I've overcome it. Maybe I'll always be a little starry-eyed. Maybe this quality will keep me young where it counts - on the inside.

{5}Selfish :: Generous
I don't like disappointing people. But I feel like I do. A lot. I'm not as available as I would like to be and I hate telling people no. But it's necessary in order for me to maintain my own health and sanity. I only hope that I make up for it in other ways.

A huge part of liking yourself comes from making peace with your complexity. Realizing that in some ways you are in opposition to yourself. You are both sides of the same coin. You are not good or bad or otherwise. You are a puzzle made of a bunch of jagged little pieces - all different colors, shapes and sizes.

And every piece is just as worthy and important as the next.

What are some of your contradictions and how do you feel about them?

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