I was silent in my relationship.
I didn't have a voice and I resented my partner and myself because of it.
I didn't speak up because I didn't want to push him away. I thought I could pretend to be what he wanted. I thought his needs were more important than mine.
I was scared -- no, terrified -- of finding out that he wouldn't love me for me. I thought that he stuck with me because we had babies, not because he really wanted to be there.
When we don't give a voice to what we are feeling, it comes out on its own in other ways.
Sabotage, anxiety, jealousy, depression, resentment, telling lies, blaming everyone and everything and generally feeling disillusioned with life.
Back then, I couldn't imagine the thought of openly talking about my true, deep down, open wound kind of feelings but eventually I had to admit to myself that if I didn't, nothing would change.
I wanted to blame my partner for our disconnect, but I couldn't because I had never truly shown up for the relationship. For years, I'd felt one thing and said another.
I thought he would leave if I showed my truth, my lies and my real perspective on our relationship and what I needed from him.
I remained silent until I decided that I would be fine -- or at least, better than I was -- no matter what he did.
But he didn't leave. He stepped up and opened up and everything changed.
That was my first taste of the fear-squashing power of truth telling.
It breathed new life into my relationship and I started thinking that just maybe, truth telling could renew everything. Maybe if I stopped feeling one thing and doing and saying another in every aspect of my life, just maybe, my whole world would change.
And it did.
- I had to admit that I wanted a different life and acknowledge that my external world was not aligned with my inner world.
- I had to start speaking my truth around people that I feared wouldn't understand it.
- I had to walk away from people and things that interfered with my self-discovery.
- I had to shift my mindset from people-pleasing and fitting in to self-acceptance and self-respect.
- I had to develop a deep, unconditional love for myself, my journey and the purpose I am here to fulfill.
I will value my honest feelings more than I value the acceptance of other people. I won't apologize or feel like a burden for being who I am. I will let myself be loved, supported and seen.