When you pray and ask for growth and then everything falls apart. Smile up at the heavens. Make peace with the process. Have faith.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I don't feel beautiful. I look around at my life and it seems messy and ineffective. And yet I feel so brave. Proud of all the fears I've faced. This kind of beauty is different than what I've known before. It's not pretty. But it's more real and more meaningful than the surface beauty I once craved.
I suffered for a long time and I prayed for growth. Because the way I felt about myself was not sustainable. The doubt. The self-sabotage. The avoidance. In my pursuit of a 'cute' life, I made decisions from shallow places. I buried things that weren't dead and now they've come back to haunt me. But I prayed for this growth, so I welcome the haunting. Whatever it takes to get me to the other side.
I knew that growth would involve some mess. But I thought I could make it pretty. Still worried about appearances and discomfort, I thought I wouldn't have to get dirty. So as I stand here, covered with dirt, I realize that the journey takes what it takes and I'm open. Aware of my preoccupations and redefining my beauty.
Because even if the world as I once knew it falls apart, I know the meaning I seek is worth the sacrifice. I don't care how it looks. I won't be embarrassed about doing what it takes to live my best life. Or how long it takes me to learn things. Or how much I lose in the process.
I want to be beautiful and not just strive to look like it. I want to feel beautiful, the kind that comes from awareness, gratitude and faith. I want to be brave and not just talk about it. And I want to feel brave, knowing that no matter what happens, there is abundance in every outcome.
Today I'm reminding myself and hopefully you too, that things often have to fall apart to come together. And that authentic bravery is always beautiful, whether it gives us the results we want or not.