Awkwardly Authentic


I had a phone interview recently.  I felt laid back at first like I was having a chat with a friend.  Then throughout the call I got more and more worked up.  My thoughts went into overdrive and nerves started taking over.  I couldn't say anything without stuttering and repeating myself.

I was frazzled.  I struggled to provide straightforward, concise answers to questions that should have come easily to me, having answered them dozens of times before.    Long gone was the calm, be-your-self-ness that I felt when the interview started.  When the call ended, I hung up feeling uneasy.

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This is nothing new.  I geek out when I'm excited or really inspired and once I'm geeked I have trouble expressing myself.  I blurt and babble and say a lot of words that don't make sense together.

Then I feel weird about it and that just intensifies the problem. When I replayed the call in my mind, I was thinking  'Ew, why do I do this every time?'  It's like too much energy is coming out of me at once causing my thoughts and my mouth to be out of sync.

Inside I'm like, chill.   But the part of me that takes over when I'm inspired is all in, no pretenses, and often no chill at all.  It's scary to surrender to this zone in front of people I don't know intimately but that's what art is, isn't it?  Showing your soul?  Being vulnerable?
I struggled on this call because I tried to hold myself back when I got excited.  I became self-conscious about my words and how they would be perceived.   My mind tries to distract me when my heart takes over.  My heart is confident and knows its truth.  My mind has its doubts. They battle with each other -- one wanting to be sincere, the other wanting to be accepted, important, whatever.

But I would rather embrace the awkwardness of being candid and free flowing, than settle for the awkwardness of a blocked heart. To vibrate higher, we have to let our hearts speak and not get distracted by how we look or sound or what people think of our expression.  It amazes me that I can write the most touchy-feely things, but when it comes to speaking them, I still get tongue-tied.

After the call I had to come home to myself.  Remembering that I've made big changes in my life to allow me to be openhearted and joyful about the work I do.  Work that requires me to tap into this shameless place without having to water myself down.  I didn't choose this journey so I could waste energy wondering if I'm too happy, too intense, too excited, or too idealistic.  With every experience, my only goal is to show up as myself, channeling love, not fear. Sometimes I hit it, sometimes I don't, but I'm learning as I go.

When's the last time you didn't show up the way you wanted to during an important moment or opportunity? What do you think caused the disconnect?

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