A CN reader wrote me sharing that she feels stuck and unfulfilled in her current career, despite the 6 years of school she struggled through to land the job. On top of Sallie Mae hitting her up on the regular, she's tired of corporate America and the politics and the red tape and the racism and wants her freedom. She wants to follow her passion and create a green beauty business, but has zero capital, zero free time and zero inspired ideas. She also wants a bae and children... and since she's well into her 30s, feels time is ticking and the clock is getting louder and growing ever more disrespectful by the day. Every person in her life views her as a great success, but she wants more. She went on to explain everything else that was wrong about her life, in the greatest of detail, and then kicked it to me.
So, before I launch into my quick tip, the one that works for me every single time, without fail, know this--
Be thankful for where you are right now.
'Bullshit', you say. You've read the self-help books too, and while an 'attitude of gratitude' is cute, putting it into practice, especially when your 'right now' is so... annoying, can be damn near impossible. But, what if you looked at it like this:
You are currently living your last dream. Yep. Right now, you are in the midst of living out all of the stuff you asked for and dreamed about a year or more ago. You have the degree, you landed the gig, you got that promotion, you even have a house in your dream neighborhood (much to your neighbors dismay ;) ). You wanted this life so bad and now you've got it... you just forgot. It's a bit easier to feel that gratitude now, huh?
And yet, you are dissatisfied. Unfulfilled. Of course you are. One, because happiness is an inside job (and if you're looking to anyone, or any thing or circumstance to make and keep you happy forever and ever, you'll never find it). But also because you are placing your attention on all the wrong things.
So here's what you should do--
Whenever you feel angry about some life circumstance (especially that one where you feel like you’re trapped in a terrible re-run episode) or frustrated with a long-held goal that hasn’t yet come to pass, do this—
Ask yourself, ‘how would I feel right now if situation x was resolved’, or ‘how would I feel right now if I had or was experiencing ________’. Very simple questions. Just ask and get quiet… don’t try to answer it. Get quiet, relax your body and just watch. Just listen. The asking of it will produce an automatic, gut level response and associated feeling that will provide much needed relief.
Here’s an example—
What you want:
to get a bae… THE bae... and a ring... a big one ;)
How would it feel if you had Bae right here, right now? Like, how would you feel if you knew tonight, when you got off, he’d be at home waiting for you with your favorite Netflix show queued up and a box of Popeye’s chicken… wings only?
I would feel wanted, loved, worthy, excited, blissful, etc etc. It would feel like... heaven.
Tap into that feeling and re-upload it frequently... like moment to moment throughout your day.
What you want:
to start a successful business but I have no money, no time and no ideas. I want financial freedom.
How would you feel if you had a successful business right here, right now?
I would feel like a winner, respected, fulfilled, free
Tap into that feeling and re-upload it frequently-- moment to moment throughout your day.
So here’s where we get it twisted— we think the situation, person or thing has to show the hell up before we can feel these good feels. You believe that until you can quit your stupid job or have that inspired business idea, that frustration and anger or hopelessness and depression are your only choices. If you choose to believe that and continue to only react (negatively) to your current situation, then Bae (the right one... the ain't shit one will still find you) and your successful business will continue to elude you.
So, choose those good feels now. You can. Choose to feel loved now! Choose to feel like a success now and then life will serve up people, situations and stuff that will support your new attitude. It's not impossible and it's not magic-- in fact, I know there are times when you know you're in that zone of 'self-love'... like right after a successful presentation, or after your intense workout, or that moment before you and your squad hit the door at that new posh club... that's the feeling. Keep feeling it. And then the path will unfold. I promise. Remember, you can't want something and have it at the same time. KNOW you have it and it (or something better) will find its way to you.
So tomorrow morning, dear reader (and the rest of y’all), put on your flyest blazer, your dopest heels and that red lip… rock your natural hair in all its glory and strut into your office as the woman you’ve chosen to be-- the one who is loved, confident, respected and free. Assume that feeling, that role and keep coming back to it. Respond as her, think like her. Keep at it and your next level version of you will be here before you know it! It won’t happen any other way. Waiting on circumstances to change will only bring about more of the same… and then more frustration and more waiting. You have to change first! I’m living proof. In 2008, I decided my life would be dope and it is.
p.s. next time I’ll share my daily routine and how I stay in the zone of who I’ve chosen to be.
p.p.s. remember also that it's not stuff you want, it's feels :)