Is the Man You're Dating Homophobic? Here's How to Find Out

Amanda Seales via her IG
By Veronica Wells

Amanda Seales shares some incredibly interesting stories on her Instagram page. Most of them are told through the lens of activism, but occasionally she’ll sneak in some relationship advice or an anecdote from her own romantic experiences. In one of the more recent ones, she shared why she had to get rid of a f*ckbuddy turned boo after seven years.

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For those who didn’t watch the video, Amanda was walking with a man she’d used off-and-on as a f*ckbuddy. But when the two tried dating officially and were asked to sign a petition for gay rights, he told her that the gays were ruining our children.

Whoa.

If you’ve ever dated a Hotep, you might have heard this type of logic before. For whatever reason, the Hoteps believe that the effeminization of the Black man is a trick, ploy or tactic by the White man to weaken us as a people. Because you know, all gay men are effeminate and anything feminine is weak. But that’s a story for another day.

I share Amanda’s story because after she finished telling it, the only thing I wondered was how she was unaware of this man’s homophobia for seven long years. Granted they were off-and-on but still. Perhaps she let his job as a fashion photographer convince her that he was more progressive than he actually was. Not to mention, if she kept going back to him after seven years, the dick must have not only been good but it very well could have clouded her vision, deactivated her spidey senses or caused her to forgo “the question” process.

I know I can’t be the only woman who uses questions to determine what type of man I’m dealing with from early on. Unlike a Steve Harvey-like checklist, these questions are hidden in stories from other people’s relationships, celebrity drama, and everyday life occurrences you too may happen to witness together.

For instance, a woman could easily ask a potential boo if he saw the footage between Fabolous and Emily B. You don’t have to share your thoughts. Just ask if he saw. The video was so graphic, he’ll have to offer an opinion about it. And if he says anything other than “Yes and it was terrible.” Then that man is not for you. Any type of “Well, we don’t know what happened, women can push a man…” or “I hope they work it out” can be read as a clear sign of a man who has a tolerance for domestic violence and you want no parts.

And sad as it is, with the influence of the Black church, Christianity at large, the Hoteps and toxic masculinity, you have to quiz your partner to find out whether or not he’s harboring homophobic thoughts and attitudes. Again, you don’t have to ask outright. You can ask about shows or movies that feature gay characters or subjects. If homeboy’s response is “I don’t watch that gay sh*t,” then you know where he stands.

Quiet as it’s kept, if he really goes off the deep end condemning the gays, using the f word or turning up his upper lip in disgust you might even be dealing with a man who is questioning his own sexuality. Because any man who is angered by another man’s sexuality, is a man who is likely wrestling with acknowledging the fullness of his own.

Cis gendered, heterosexual Black women don’t often inquire about their man’s homophobia because they feel like it’s an issue that won’t affect them directly. Either that woman is holding on to her own homophobic notions or she feels like because she’s not a member of that community, it doesn’t matter if her partner has outdated and oppressive views about it. But it absolutely does. Not only because we should want to be associated with kind, loving and open men; but also because if there is any chance that you end up reproducing with this man, you should want to ensure that he’s not teaching your children hate. Even if you don’t have children, the thought of him uttering one of his homophobic beliefs in front of the wrong crowd could leave you mortified. Plus, who wants to look back 50-60 years from now and see that not only were their loved ones on the wrong side of history but you didn’t say or do anything to help bring them along? I know I don’t. To avoid all of that, go ahead and ask the questions now, so you don’t learn of your man’s dirty, little secret years into the game when you’ve developed too many feelings to walk away.

Ever dated a homophobic romantic partner? How did you deal with it?
Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days” and the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

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