10 Signs You're a "PICK ME" Woman

Amara La Negra scrubbing the hell out of her man's shower via IG
By Veronica Wells

Amara La Negra caused quite a stir this week, when she used her Instagram account to send an interesting message. Aside from the fact she was cleaning the bathroom in a bodycon, the image became controversial because of caption:
“A man’s house is a reflection of the woman’s he’s with. Food for thought.” 💭 Being Pretty is Just a Bonus with me.”
As you can imagine, people took issue with the post for several reasons. 


They didn’t know whether it was a Lysol ad. And they couldn’t figure out why Amara would make it a point to clean a house she doesn’t live in, a house that doesn’t belong to her, and presumably the house of another grown, able-bodied individual. In the modern era, men clean their own houses, not only women are out here working alongside them but because that’s just what responsible adults should be doing for themselves. Furthermore, if a man’s house is dirty, it’s not a reflection of the woman, it’s a reflection of his own triflingness. Period. Fullstop. We’re not absolving men of responsibility and we’re certainly not shouldering the burdens of their own shortcomings. 

For as much as I wanted to ride for Amara, she’s proven herself to be a “pick me.” If you’ve never heard the phrase before, a pick me woman is one who tries to distinguish herself from other women with the intent of making herself appear more appealing to other men. If you’re wondering if you’ve ever been or continue to be a pick me or you just want to double-check and make sure you’re not embarrassing yourself on the internet like Ms. Amara, then here are some pitfalls to avoid.

Shaming another woman for their choices
Whether it’s her attire, sexual behavior or practices, pick mes specialize in regurgitating sexist double standards like "Dress how you want to be addressed" or "No man wants a woman who everybody's had." Interestingly enough, when men operate in the same fashion, they never have anything to say.

Attempting to make yourself more appealing for the sake of men
I’m not talking about putting on makeup or dressing up, I’m talking about broadcasting the things you do-- or would do-- in a relationship because you believe it will attract the man you desire. The women who post the meals they make for themselves with captions like “Your girlfriend could never…” are prime examples of this.

Blaming feminism for the destruction of the Black community
Crack, poverty, racism and slavery are all acceptable places to point the blame when we talk about what has contributed to our challenges as a people. Believing women deserve equal rights is not one of them.

Unwillingness to hold men accountable…for anything
If a man cheats and you immediately point to what his wife did wrong...then you’re hustling backward and playing the Pick Me game.

If you find yourself or another woman sounding like a Hotep, repeating homophobic rhetoric, advocating for polygamy because monogamy is unnatural etc, then there’s a chance you’re saying and doing these things to make yourself seem down.

Marriage material
I learned a long time ago, that what we’ve been taught to believe was marriage material is a farce. There are so many of us who are still in a tizzy trying to figure out “How did she get married?” She got married because marriage material is relative and generally a way for men to control the behavior of women. There are other ways to describe your appealing qualities.

You speak against your own
Nothing is a stronger red flag than listening to another woman say she doesn’t get along with women or she’d rather “hang out with the boys.” Even if men have more female friends, they never disparage other men. This is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to seem “cool” by insulting your own kind.

Take outrageous and unnecessary actions for the sake of proving to a man that they love them
In the bowels of Instagram, I found a woman who suggested that she stands every time her husband entered a room as a way to honor him. Her rationale was that if she stood on Sunday to honor the Pastor, she could certainly stand to honor her husband. Do what you feel. But let that practice be something you do for your man, rather than insinuating that women who don’t do the same somehow don’t value their partners. Furthermore, when you ask these women what their men do to honor them, they can only name the essentials like being faithful and paying bills.

Always want to know what the woman did when she was assaulted, abused etc.
If you’re one of those women who always believes there are two sides to a story when a woman was abused or want to know “What she did” you’re a mouthpiece of misogyny.

Claim that they don’t require anything from a man
Unlike independence, pick mes are appealing to the newer generation of men by claiming that they’re not high maintenance. Ex: “I don’t need my man to spend any money on me. I can just cook a meal and we can watch movies at his place.” You need to see a little more than that sis. Trying to prove that a man won’t have to work to get or keep you, also means he likely won’t value you as he should either.

Are you a Pick Me woman? Have you been around any?
Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days” and the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

17 Weigh in!:
Unknown said...

Well feminism did destroy society so she’s not a pick me girl for being logical and not accept the lie going on that feminism is for equality, when any educated individual knows that feminism is a female supremacy movement and hate movement against men/boys/masculinity.

Unknown said...

Nice article!! So true, and sorry about the other person's anti-feminism comment, what an ass

Anonymous said...

Loved this! Perfectly said. The first commenter is clearly a triggered insecure man or a pick me woman lol. Too funny!

Unknown said...

i hate pick mes

Unknown said...

Hey girl! Just stopping by to say good job. Keep blogging. This was an engaging read. Some tips that i feel may enhance the article may be to find some tweets or insta pics that serve as an example for some of the points. It will bring some color and liveliness. Your slaying <3

Allison said...

Being against your own kind is a huge red flag. Often these signs stir up from a very low self esteem. It's not going by the logic of i am valuable. Pick me is going by the logic of i am Only valuable if I do this or sound like this or that.

Yet not every single one of these signs suggest that the woman is a pick me. For example, the last sign of not wanting much from a man. A woman can value herself, pay for herself and stand her own way and only expect pure love, affection and protection from a man and not you know pay bills for example (im talking in the first couple months of dating) after that if he loved her he's going to go beyond that. So I definetly think that it depends. I think it's not much about what the woman shows but the place it comes from. Low self esteem. Or personal conviction

John smith said...

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Anonymous said...

This was an awesome article. I feel sad for pick me's, as I find they have a misunderstanding of what feminism is really about and instead see it as "the downfall of humnan society" etc. But that's simply not the case and this article highlights some of the toxic behaviour that can happen as a result. Thanks for the read!

Anonymous said...

Good points, however, there seems to be a bit of misandry here and there... such as "because marriage material is relative and generally a way for men to control the behavior of women". Additionally, what's wrong with a woman liking simple couple things like just chilling and watching a movie together? Not all, but in some cases, there are two sides to the story or else false sexual assault/rape allegations wouldn't be a thing; it's important to be vigilant but unbiased!

Anonymous said...

Thank the frickin lord I ain't a pick me girl!! I was starting to think so when I said "I don't need a man to be happy" Turns out I was just tryna uplift myself. Not get guys to like me! Cool article!

Anonymous said...

@Allison, I think what she means is that if you share online that you aren't high maintenance, you're a pick me. There is nothing wrong with being low maintenance, but there is when you broadcast it online because you directly or subconsciously want men to compare you to other females.

Wholsome said...

I once tried chasing what was truly gone,but realizing the damage i was about doing to myself,i retraced my steps. I lived in misery for the past 2yrs,while trying to be the best girlfriend to a guy who could cheat and lie to my face at the same time, I believed him because i love him, but after getting access to his phone through the spyware sent to me by a cyber professional, {hackingloop6 @ gmail com}.I saw how disrespectful he treated me over the years we dated.hackingloop is also reachable on WhatsApp + 1 484  540 - 0785 

Anonymous said...

i've been called a pick me even tho i don't show any of the behaviors mentioned above,,,

Anonymous said...

i support other women yet I am constantly shamed by a handful of some girls (not all, ofc!) that I have pick me behavior. I am conservative and believe in patience in relationships. I also believe in second chances. I do not think cheating can be forgiven. I do not think women are ever to be blamed for being assaulted. That doesn’t mean that us women dont have flaws too, though! I just want to get along with both men & women and stop creating this divide but this desire is apparently “pick me” behavior. I can blame a man for what he has done but isnt it also fair to blame women too? Sometimes, we make mistakes too! I know I use to be very toxic and I hurt a lot of people. I never saw how I could make mistakes because I was hurting so much. Maybe things we do as women are also hurting men as well as them hurting us? Thats what I think rn and for some reason I am shunned by my own kind. As women, we should create harmony. Shunning pick me girls is the exactly what you shouldn’t be doing. Who cares if shes a pick me girl? What’s wrong with a women trying to appeal to a man and whats wrong with making mistakes? She had low self esteem and we, as women, need to support and help. :). Thats what I think. ��

Clara Agnes said...

These seem to be a set of behaviors that are quite unhealthy for women.
It didn't seem to me that the goal of the author was to shame a woman who embodies these behaviors but to offer yet another framework for a woman to reflect on their own behaviors and identify if they fall into any of these for the wrong reasons.

Now, regarding the last comment, other women shaming you (if this is the case) for how you do things in your life it's not okay, and I don't think you should take it or change anything out of this kind of pressure.

It's your choice to reflect on how you show up in your relationships and use any framework and knowledge to decide how can you improve and the life you want to live (for you, not for others who don't have your best interest at heart).

Finally yes, I don’t think any of this is man versus woman, it is about each of us doing our best to create the best relationships we can with each other. And, learning to respect ourselves is a very important part of it.

casie said...

Pick me women come from pick me mothers. My mother was one and then so was i in my early 20s. Glad i grew out of it.

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