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Curly Nikki

Our Hair, Our Men… Food for Thought

By January 27th, 202124 Comments
CurlyKye writes:

Does my husband really like my newly natural hair and hair experiments because he loves me (and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings) or does he like it because he really thinks it’s cute on me?

Could I deal with it if my husband decided that he wanted to change something about him or on his body that has been the same since we met?

How do you feel… what do you think your partner REALLY thinks about your? How do you cope with it?


  • CurlyKye says:

    I had to chime in on my own post submission :)

    First let me start by saying, MY HUSBAND LOVES MY DIRTY DRAWERS AND I LOVE HIS!!! *haha*

    We are fully supportive of one another but we definitely also keep it real with one another. He tells me when he doesn't like something and I tell him when I don't like something. That's just how it is in our marriage because we want to last.

    When we first got together we agreed that we wouldn't be a couple that "lies to please". We would much rather be comfortable saying "Hey I don't like" or "Hey this annoys me" so that the other knows and it's out in the open. That way, the dislike or annoyance doesn't fester and snowball into something totally unnecessary. Now we still have our "moments" but overall that has made us more friends than anything else which I truly do appreciate. To put it in words, we run to each other to gossip with & share the happenings of our day with…we're tight like that :)

    But yes, in my experimental phase he does tell me what hairstyles he does & doesn't like. When he met me and for most of the time that we dated & were engaged, I permed my hair like 3 times a year, still wore it curly but it was in a ponytail 98% of the time because I just didn't know what to do with it. When I would straighten it & it would sweat out & curl up on day 2 or if I took a nice hot shower it was him who asked me why I kept going through that. So my transition to being natural was not a huge difference for him. Now the hairstyles I try & the amount of products the UPS man has brought to my door is a totally different story *haha*

    But when one of my hair experiments is a major fail or I'm not looking my hottest…I know it when I look in the mirror and HE knows it & has no problem saying (and knows that he has a level of comfort to say) "Baby you need to go try again!" and we crack up laughing. During my time of frustration with my own hair, I was super-sensitive at times when he would say that but it was because of my own frustration. I know that he's got my back & wouldn't let me walk out the door looking like Whodunit & Whattheydothatfor!! *haha* He actually likes my curls because NOW I can be active (bball, swimming, jogging & just having fun) without having to worry about it sweating out. He also likes the fact that my hair doesn't shed and (in his words) "leave a whole head of hair" in the bathroom when I style it.

    My husband would love me regardless & I'd love him all the same as well (ok ok, I have to admit I told him I wouldn't be a fan of him growing his hair out and he took me cutting mine in stride…I had never cut my hair before in my life and would cry as a teen when I would have to get my ends clipped…how pathetic is that). But I revel in the fact that I can admit that we don't live in a fantasy world of completely LIKING everything that the other one does or does to ourselves and we can discuss those things like adults & still love each other at the end of the day.

    BTW…I loved reading all of the response from the CN fam!

  • Naomi says:

    New Here, Hi Everyone!

    I think my boyfriend does not care either way, but I do think he likes my natural hair, because it is thick, which is strange, because my relaxed hair was very thin, anyway back to the point. He said that he doesn't like when my hair is straight and he can feel my scalp lol. He just hates that I am obsessed with hair products.

  • ChrLvsBks says:

    About seven months ago, I began to wear my hair curly. My husband met me as a natural but I blew it dry and flat ironed often. He doesn't really comment but loves it when others do– men, go figure. I can see his face light up when others say something nice. I am not sure how I would handle it if he told me he did not like it.

  • Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend hates my hair. It's odd though because when I met him, I was already natural and my hair is about shoulder length, I never wore it straight or anything. And he was attracted to me then, and he never said anything about it. But about a couple of months ago, he started saying things like why don't I get it straightened, and how he can't run his fingers through my hair, why did I decide to go natural it's more work etc. And I dance for a dance team and they want everyone's hair to be long and straight so I decided to just join the team, we only dance once a week and it's a form of exercise. So of course I have to wear a wig to the games, and last Saturday when I left for my game (with the wig on), he said "See how normal you look, with straight hair". I didn't respond, I just left. But it is hard, when your significant other doesn't like your hair. Especially when you work so hard to take care of it and do different styles, and all they want is straight hair. If he changed something on him, I would be totally supportive, it's the inside that counts, not the outside right?

  • Anonymous says:

    MY boyfriend of 3 years hates my natural hair. We are planning to be married soon. I started transitioning after my last relaxer in December of '08. He thinks it looks "nappy" as he always says, and when he met me I had long shoulder length straight black hair and he misses that. But I am hanging in there and staying strong. Thanks to blogs like curlynikki, and all the wonderful youtubers for encouragement and support. It's not an easy journey. I have only entertained the thought once of getting another relaxer, but when I think of the hair loss, and damage I suffered it snaps me back into reality. I also thought of heat styling, but I don't want that damage either. My hair is only about 5 inches right now. I'm hanging in there, but it's not easy I tell you especially when your man is not being supportive or thinks you look attractive/sexy anymore. God Bless all the naturals out there. It is a journey for sure.

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm sad to hear some womens husband "hate" their decision to be natural….:(
    My hubby is the one who encouraged me to BC while I was frustrated with transitioning…and he is thrilled with my hair and feels like he finally see's the Real Me. He and I both new I waasnt the flat n wrap type…and he hates braids n weave. However, even if he didnt like my hair natural…that would be something he'd have to get over…or get gone.:o/
    I only change for the best not for preference….

  • Anonymous says:

    My husband hates my natural look! I did the BC in Oct 09. He has told me that I looked nice till he looked past my neck. I have even tried different products but he says my hair looks dry; and, he wishes I would go back to perming my hair. I have tried to show him different pics on websites and women with natural hair but he just dismisses it. I can tell a change in his attitude toward me and when his friends come around. I feel discouraged but I'm going to keep hanging in there. It's great to read/hear women who have supportive husbands & boyfriends.

  • raslade808 says:

    my husband actually supported and encouraged me to wear my hair natural and not get a relaxer or color my hair. he actually helped me cut my hair, he helps me wash and condition it and does my twists for me because it is still a TWA. his thing was "every time you mess with your hair, you mess it up. just let it go and stop putting chemicals and harmful things in your hair". i got a really bad chemical burn on the side of my face from getting a relaxer, and my hair broke off because i kept putting color in it.

  • savvybrown says:

    My husband loves my hair, but he has said that what's most attractive to him is the fact that I am comfortable with it. He said, nothing is more aggravating than trying to navigate women's myriad of insecurities.

  • Anonymous says:

    My husband loves my hair but my decision to go natural was not based on his desires and wants. It was more important to me that he supported my decisions and beliefs rather than like my natural hair. A big "selling point" to go natural is he appreciates the money I save by staying out of the salon and not missing a whole evening away from he and the kids sitting in the shop. I had to adjust to seeing myself natural so I'm sure he did too. Give your man some time. In marriage or any relationship, we may not always like the same things but we should endeavor to be honest and respect one another.

  • Anonymous says:

    When my hubby and I were dating he loved for me to wear my hair bone straight. Whenever we were going out I tried to make sure that my hair was out & straight. When I decided to go natural a couple a years ago, initially, I'd planned to be a straight natural. I promised my hubby that basically my hair would look the same sans the relaxer. However, that all changed after finding all the wonderful natural websites. Now, I barely let heat touch my hair and the hubs loves it. As a matter of fact he prefers my natural hair over it all( braids, weaves, straight,etc). If you would have asked me 4 years ago if my hubby would like my natural, I would laugh & say no….myself included. There are men who love natural immediately, while others may never like it. With some men, a little time, education and patience is needed. I am glad that I have a supportive SO. Hang in there Ladies!

  • luvleelox says:

    We had "the talk" early in our marriage…I know that my husband has a preference for long, straight hair on black women and I told him he needed to know that I would likely NEVER straighten my hair…it's been 10 years and I haven't…when we got together I had locs past my shoulders and eventually waist-length. I think he kind of loved the attention they got and even attempted locs for a while- the brother could not hang LOL.

    When I bc'd to only a few inches of hair a few years back…he was less then thrilled but fortunately his preference for me is greater than his preference for long hair…now that I have a little length he likes it and I know he can't wait till it's even longer however he loves no matter what…of that I am sure!

  • Notthecoolmom says:

    I think hubby accepts my current hair obsession because he loves me, but he really does like my hair (now not all the time), but I don't like my hair all the time, but he given compliments freely without obligation.

  • Anonymous says:

    I know my boyfriend loves my "poofy" hair. He always asks me on the phone, "Is your hair poofy today?" and freaks out (in a good way) when I answer yes. He says he likes to put his face in it.
    His reaction to my hair has always been surprisingly pleasant (he's white) ever since I did the BC years ago.

    He doesn't like all natural styles though, which sometimes bothers me. He doesn't like actual afros because he says they look like basketballs stuck on your head. But that won't stop me from wearing one this summer. I know that much.

  • Carmel Stacks says:

    My boyfriend literally can't keep his hands out of my hair and it's actually messing around with my progress.

    Finally I said "babe, we need to talk…" and he said "hair's like a lizard's tail, if it breaks off, it will grow back." Uh no honey.

  • Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend loves my natural hair. I too thought he was just "being nice" because he was supposed to, but then last week I put in two strand twists for the first time since being together and when he saw he looked a little sad and me the first thing he said was "oh! what did you do to your hair??? I miss it being all curly and out!!!" For the rest of the week he kept saying "I miss Lola!!!" (Lola is what I've named my hair). When the twists finally came out, he was so happy and just sunk his fingers into my hair. (A side note, my bf is Latino and I bc'ed in the about a month into our relationship. He couldn't be more supportive of my adventures in natural-dom!)

  • Anonymous says:

    I meant to write healthy.

  • Anonymous says:

    I know my husband loves it. He encouraged me to go natural and he certainly loves the money I'm saving by not going to the hairdresser every two weeks. He thinks all African-American women should wear their natural hair. He hasn't seen a head of natural, healty-looking hair he didn't like.

  • Joy says:

    Well my hubs doesn't like my hair either. I'm going on 1 year completely natural and almost 2 years since I started transitioning. He always tries to throw in the hint that I should get it relaxed but I don't let it bother me. In fact, he just pleaded yesterday. Oh well, I am loving my curls right now and if I wasn't confident and who I was and what I'm doing best for me and my hair, I probably would've gone back. I'm in too deep though! I know he loves me for me and isn't going anywhere but I also know I just have to keep informing him about how much healthier having my hair natural is for me and our daughter. One day he'll change and love it if not, c'est la vie!

  • Unknown says:

    This is just another reminder to me of what a blessing it is to have the support of my DH. When my husband and I met 12 years ago, a big part of the initial attraction for him was the fact that I was natural. He's just not a fan of bone straight hair, whether chemically-induced or achieved with heat on natural hair. I did find out recently he prefers my hair loc'ed vs. free-form, but he understands my reason for cutting my locs and is still just as encouraging and loving as ever.

  • Moni says:

    My boyfriend absolutely loves my hair. He's so glad that I went natural.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am new to the transitioning world…my last perm was May 09 but I just started rocking my hair curly. My hubby is not fond of my new look…he thinks that my hair looks frizzy, wild and dry. Despite his dislike, I have continued to experiment with new styles in hopes that he will begin to like/love it. I love my hubby and want to keep him happy but I refuse to "live in a box" and be a cookie cutter chick. I have told him several times that if he decided to change something about himself (i.e. go bald, change his clothes, whatever) I would be down and in fact I encourage him to try new things.

    As for my hubby, he isn't a fan of sudden change. I think he is beginning to come around…since he knows that my mind has been made up. I have told him, we are in it for better or for worse, straight or curly…no matter what. I know he loves me uncoditionally he just has to get used to my hair…LOL

  • Chéri says:

    Never had this issue before, always know how someone feels about my hair…The biggest hair issue i had was with my ex he was a little mad because i cut my locks, but he quickly got over it.Your partner should love you for you no matter what, and he should always be honest about how he feels about your hair it's not a pair of jeans,lol :-D

  • Tiffany says:

    I would think that a black man would support his woman more because of this. I would think he would appreciate her going back to what her hair should be instead of being embarrassed by it. It's not like you are dying your head purple and making it stand up on end(and if you, there still isn't anythign wrong with it).


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