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Curly Nikki

Would You Change Your Hair for Love?

By January 27th, 202196 Comments

Would You Change Your Hair for Love?
TerraD writes:

Imagine the following scenario:

Your husband/significant other can’t deal with your natural hair, it turns him off and he tells you that he’s even thought about cheating. What do you do? Change your hair or head for the door?

Would you change your hair for love? Have you done it before? Be honest ladies!

Curly Nikki Responds: In last weekend’s post, the consensus was that many young men seem to be less accepting of natural hair than their more mature counterparts (not my experience however), and that we divas all too friggin’ fly to care about what strangers think of our natural curls (I couldn’t agree more… f’ em).
But what happens if ‘the one’ ain’t feeling it? Fortunately, I never had to deal with this, as I didn’t go natural until after I met my now husband. But I can’t say that it wouldn’t have posed a true dilemma for me…

About two years ago, during my graduate internship, I remember speaking at length with an older co-worker about going natural. She loved my hair and was ready to let the relaxer go. We discussed her options- – transitioning versus the BC, product selection, and hair styles of choice. This was on a Friday… the next Monday she came in with a 2 inch TWA! It looked amazing on her and truly highlighted the contours of her face. Although she was smiling, I could see something in her eyes. I asked her why she did it so suddenly, how she was feeling, and what her children and husband thought. She responded, ‘I was ready. I feel amazing and confident. My (adult) kids don’t care. My husband hates it and isn’t speaking to me, he thinks I look like a man’. Yikes. The dissonance was apparent… she was in love with her new look and wanted so much to feel free to enjoy it, but her husband was giving her grief. Needless to say, by the end of the summer, as it was growing out, he was coming around. But still, I don’t think his reaction was fair to her. On the flip side, he argued that as her partner, such a drastic change (shoulder length hair to TWA) should have been discussed with him prior to her trip to the salon. What do you think?

96 Comments

  • Faith says:

    This is a great article for the women of Estimativa!

  • Anonymous says:

    Of course someone who you're in a serious relationship with should accept the condition of your hair whether it is long or short…..A woman who gets a bc is no different from a woman who may loose her hair after going through chemo. Someone who truly loves you for you should accept the condition of your hair no matter what.

  • Erika says:

    If he loves her, he'll grow to love her hair. Simple as that.

  • markeshia ricks says:

    Wow. A guy posted a similar question on FB that got me incredibly fired up because I could tell he wasn't really interested in other peoples' answers. He had formulated his own opinion and his wife backed him up. Most people said no they wouldn't change their hair or any other physical thing about their appearance just because it might make their spouse happy. He felt like they should. But that made me think, why would I be married to a person who wanted me to make a change to my appearance that might make him happy and me unhappy? If he wants me to hit the gym a little more and is willing to workout with me, done. Wants me to wear certain kinds of clothes, we can talk. But I'd have to draw the line at my hair. I've been natural for 4.5 years and 2.5 of those are with locs. My hair is so much a part of who I am. If he's talking "Why don't you get a perm?" The answer will always be no and the fact that I don't want to put scalp eating chemicals on my head should be a good enough answer. If he wants to see something different, we can try a wig (that will only be worn in the house). But if a dude is going to leave me over something like the way I choose to wear my hair, he's probably not the right man for me.

  • MsDorsette says:

    I wouldn't change. If I had a partner I would let them know that a change was coming and that it might be drastic; but I wouldn't change for "love." My long-distance boyfriend saw my hair after the BC- I quickly decided to do it one saturday evening and grabbed the scissors w/o telling anyone- and fell in love with it. His exact words were: God, you're beautiful. That's love. I'll agree that most men have their own hair issues much like us black women. However, if you're attractive with your scarf on at night, with straight hair, sweated out post gym (or post sex), he should have no problem embracing the new do (and new, confident you that comes with it).

  • Anonymous says:

    I've had natural hair for almost 7 years and have been married for almost 8. My husband pretty much hates everything I do to my hair unless it is in just regular twists or in extension braids. He even told me once that I need to be attractive for him and not walk around looking like anything. Needless to say I was furious. Can't quite understand how spending 3+ hours on a hairstyle to be beautiful and attractive translates into walking around any old way. To top that off he always refers to my permed hair days to illustrate how "truly beautiful I am." Anyway, I'm against divorce and wouldn't divorce him over my hair or his unkind comments, but it sure makes my life harder and more depressing–especially when I love my hair. I'm not changing my hair for his love. It would be great if loved and accepted my "nappy African hair" as he likes to put it, but if he doesn't oh well. I'm not burning my scalp with perms or my hair with flat irons. My hair is as God created it to be and I plan for it to be that way until my dying day.

  • .simplyChey. says:

    No I wouldn't change my hair. My boyfriend has seen me the first day I went natural and he loves it! He really likes that look on me. Other guys at my school are like "when are you getting you hair done?" "are you going to do something with it?" and I'm just like point blank no. I won't change my hair for anyone. If someone loves you, they should love you for you and not how long your hair is or if it's straight or curly. Someone who loves you will be accepting throughout the entire process and encourage you along the way. Love isn't based off of appearance. Point blank.

  • kitka82 says:

    Personally, I gave my husband a heads up before my BC simply out of courtesy. Even though I sensed his disdain, I did it ANYWAY. No that's not being considerate. It's MY hair dammit. Besides, he didn't ask me what I thought before he decided to grow his hair out long, and I would never tell him he looked like a girl (1-because that's mean and 2-because he has a goatee). I would not get a tattoo if he didn't like it. I would not get my tubes tied if he didn't want it. But my hair is not that serious.

    So hell no I wouldn't change my look for love. I could get sick and lose my hair anyway. Would he still love me?

  • Anonymous says:

    To be honest, making a drastic change without so much as notifying your s/o is inconsiderate. Of course the final decision is always up to you but I just see it as such a bait-and-switch. Especially if it's a look that your s/o is not very attracted to.

    Now would I change my look for love? Absolutely not. If you met me a certain way, what you see is what you get and if that's not good enough for you, please feel free to be with someone you're naturally attracted to. No hard feelings. That way I can find someone that likes me just the way that I am.

  • KCAS says:

    I did it and lost the friend because after years of treating my relaxed hair, I didn't have a clue about natural hair. I did panic, became so insecure and my hair was one of the major reason of the split-up. Now, I really enjoy my natural hair, somehow, I want to take the plunge and need some encouragement. Anyway, I'd have loved if I had some support during the critical phase.

  • Anonymous says:

    Very interesting. Do what works for you, regardless of what people say. I'm not saying to be completely selfish about it, because involving the person you love (and that loves you) in ALL of your life is a part of the pleasure of being in a relationship, but when you are confident in yourself and your partner sees that they will not only have to appreciate it but they will. They will see a strong black woman. And in those periods of hair 'vulnerability' put out extra effort to look your best and go all out. They must appreciate it. I ma transitioning for the long haul and I have never looked better, I have all sorts of updos involving flat twists for the natural roots and a lot of curls for the processed ends. I am low maintenance so When I had my normal processed hair I would wear it in a bun or some type of updo like that (but nothing creative), but this works just as well because one of these curly updos can last up to three weeks, and all I'd do is tighten the flat twists. Loving it. Be creative, and don't let yourself go just because you are goind natural. your loved ones and the ones around you will think that that is how your natural life will always be.

    Happy naturals!
    Dee

  • Anonymous says:

    I definitely would Not change my hair for so-called "Love". True love would accept me just the way I am. My hair should not have to be compromised if he was really "the one." He shouldn't ask me to do for him what he wouldn't do for me. What would I look like asking him, "Baby, could you put a relaxer in YOUR hair for me (lol!) No way.

  • Unknown says:

    I'm kinda going thru this situation. I bc'd in March after transitioning for only 5 months. My hubby has NEVER liked short hairstyles or natural hair on anyone, just not his preference. But my decision was for me! We've been together almost 5yrs now and he really doesn't like it to be honest. When we go out, he usually hints to me to put on wigs or cover my hair up somehow. It hurts sometimes, but this was to be expected. I'm planning on growing my hair out long and eventually flat ironing it straight, but still have the versatility of my curly style. Ends to a means for me. He loves me regardless, but as far as his ultimate attraction, he prefers my straight hair.

  • Rhythm&Drama says:

    I would have discussed it with my partner for a couple of reasons. One men are very much attracted by appearance, and since I want him to be attracted to me, if I am planning on drastically changing my appearance I would give him a heads up (no pun intended). Another reason I would talk with him about it is that cutting my hair off would be a big deal to me so of COURSE I would talk it over with him and every other person I feel is important in my life. But ultimately I would do what felt right for ME. I would just have enough respect to talk it over with him first. The bottom line is that true love can survive anything, so if a relationship can't survive a haircut it is probably time to move on.

  • Anonymous says:

    WHAT?! Her husband said he would cheat on her because of her hair? I have never, ever consulted my husband about my personal appearance. He loves me for who am, and if that changes I'm out of here.

  • Rochon says:

    While I agree with most comments that she could have possibly softened the blow by talking to him before she did a big chop, using this as a reason to cheat is riduculous. If that's the case, he always wanted to cheat and is now using this as an excuse to do so. I could give him the benefit of doubt of being upset and not even speaking to her for a few days, but to say "you cut your hair, I'm mad and now I'm going to have an affair" makes no sense at all.

  • mia says:

    Well, here's the thing. Yes, I think he was wrong for how he handled the situation… WRONG!!! And, yes, I think a little warning from her would have been considerate (still not an excuse for his reaction). But when you get married the saying 2 become 1 really is true on more levels than people want to give it credit for. Just like he owes it to her to love and support her with this change… she owes it to him to discuss the change with him first.

    Before I did my BC I had several lengthy discussions with my husband. The reason for this is the same reason I got dressed up for our dates before marriage and still do now. I want him to find me attractive. When I'm in the room there shouldn't be anyone else there he desires more than me. So, with that in mind I discussed my hair change with him. I did NOT do this for his approval. I did this so I could find out which natural styles he liked.

    So, if her husband is true he WILL come around because love is unconditional. But, I would advise any married ladies to at least give a brother a warning before doing your BC. 😉

  • Mrs.StephenP. says:

    My husband and I grew up together so he was USED to my long permed hair. I'd already converted to being natural by the time we started dating…so he didn't have a say-so nor choice (and still doesn't)! I also plan to let our daughter (whenever she gets here) remain natural too…wonder how that will go over?

  • beadgyrl says:

    I went natural on and off every since 1997. I would go natural, get discouraged, get a relaxer, regret the relaxer, and go natural again. The longest I was natural was four years, and I had NO idea about henna, sulfates, parabens, cones…etc. I just did whatever to my hair, but that was when I learned to two strand twist it. One time in particular, I was transitioning and I met this guy who I thought was so wonderful, and we had dated for a couple months, no big deal. But of course when I met him I had braids in my hair. When the time came to remove the braids, I either heat-styled my hair to "hide" my fro, and eventually ran back to the creamy-crack in an effort to impress him. However, a couple more months down the road of us dating and having fun, I began to regret again, and started transitioning. I grew my hair out about an inch and a half, and bc'd one day, (without telling him). Long story short, he took a look at my hair, and the next week he was GONE! To this day I still think it's funny and ironic of most men, not all, perceptions of black women and natural hair.

    Today my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. When he met me I had long shoulder length relaxed hair of course. But I bc'd in May of last year. I prepared him first before I did it, and let him know what to expect. He was still in shock at first, and then he hated it, and told me so. But now, another year later, as it has grown out 4 inches, he has amazingly started to appreciated it, and accept it. I am very grateful for that, and at this writing, I know in my heart of hearts that I have made peace with God, and my hair, and that there will be NO setbacks as far as the creamy crack. I think in my youth, I was too weak, impressionable, and over concerned about what others thought. Today I rock my little fro at work, the gym, and whatever I do, and when me and my man go out on date night, I use my headbands, and my trusty products and I am good to go. Every now and then I get a set of braids done to give it a break from manipulation, or twist it. I know truly he would probably prefer it straight anyday….but I am glad he loves me, and sees past the hair thing to appreciate me being me, and not to ask me to change it. I am who I am and I realized all those years I was fighting, I always wanted it natural, because frankly I can't stand straight hair, and I never blow-dry or flat iron it, even today.

    Sorry to write a novel, just had a lot to say. Be encouraged out there to all the naturals!! 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    When my husband and I met my hair was relaxed and past my shoulders. He was definetly a hair man. His one request for our wedding was that I wore my hair down. Four years and two kids later my hair was down my back, but I was ready to go natural and cut it all off. I told him my plan but he wasn't happy. I did it any way and was thrilled. He went in mourning, called me "dude" for months, but I was thrilled with my new found freedom. By the second year, after I let it grow, he became supportive and advocated for me wearing my big fro even on days when I was doubting. More than 11 years after that first BC He's still a hair man, but for him it's no longer about being long and straight, he just likes hair and lots of it. I still do a BC every few years but he's just learned to deal with it.

  • Aaliyah says:

    Honestly the 2nd time I was going natural my boyfriend of three years went ballistic and threatened to leave if I didn't relax my hair while I was transitioning. A week later I relaxed my hair. I was quite disappointed in myself not just for relaxing my hair but for allowing myself to get caught up in his mess. What made it worse is after I relaxed my hair he was still on his "trip" about me growing my hair out naturally. He caught me at one of the weakest points in my life and he told me flat out that he couldn't walk around w/ a woman whose hair was nappy like a slave. And that natural hair on black women is not attractive nor was it the kind of woman he wanted in his presence. (yeah he truly was a piece of work). He had me for a minute but I woke up right then an there. And after I thought about his comment and our argument that followed, I decided since I was starting over then he too needed to be out of my life. Two days later I dumped him. My thought was if he got upset and felt the need to criticize me over MY hair then what would be next. Would my breast not be big enough, or is my skin too dark for him? It would always be something. This time around (my 3rd and final time going natural) my boyfriend (a new one) wasn't necessarily thrilled at first, but after a year and two months natural I can't keep his hands out of my hair. LOL. And he actually helped me when I bc'd. So to answer the question, I would NEVER allow my significant other to threaten our relationship based on my hair. If he has to stoop that low then he needs to check himself on what the REAL issue is. And if he can't do that then he can and will be set FREEEEE like a bird.

  • Queenofthe4s says:

    This one is for all of the single ladies that have to deal with this issue in the wonderful world of dating. No offense to the married curlies, but natural hair and dating is a lot more fickle than within a marriage..

    I have been dating someone for a few months now that prefers straight hair on women. He was very upfront with me and just flat out said that he likes "the look" of straight hair. I've been natural for going on two years, so he clearly didn't meet me with straight hair. Where was this coming from??

    Even though I really like him and feel like maybe…just maybe.. he could be "the one" I politely told him that even though I may straighten it every blue moon, I *definitely* will NOT be relaxing it in the foreseeable future. I think my exact words were "What? You gotta problem with natural hair???" LOL! He was a little taken aback and I think it made him question his own way of thinking…

    It seems as if he's getting over his preference, and that makes me like him all the more for it. Any man that I even consider dating has to accept me for me….no if, and, buts about it!!

  • T from the D says:

    DISCUSSED?!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Whew, that's a good one!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have also noticed that most males do not believe they need approval, but simultaneously expect their feedback to be the "be all end all" of every situation. Most guys do not consult their spouse before they head to the barbershop. It is not common to hear, "Honey, do you think I should let my hear grow out?" Even when this question is presented, the man is always the one who makes the ultimate decision. I have noticed that females seem to need the approval of the spouse more than males do. It's your hair and at the end of the day it is just that… HAIR. If he cannot accept it then there is something deeper going on that is only being manifested through this new change. Opinions are always okay, but one cannot expect to govern every choice in another's life, even a spouse.

  • Anonymous says:

    My husband was totally against me going natural. He told me that he was more attracted to women with straight hair. I asked him why? He could not give me an answer. I suggested that maybe it was because that is all he ever grew up with; his Momma, his aunts, the media….Maybe I went too deep for him because he still could not get it. Anywho, 5 years later, we are still together and he….accepts my decision. In the beginning, he called me Florida from Good Times. I took it all in stride and he finally realized that I was not going to go back to a relaxer. Now he has certain styles that he likes better than some, and I try to fix it that way when I feel like it… Just hang in there ladies and it will work out like it is supposed to.

  • Anonymous says:

    Unfortunately, a man's estimation of himself is somewhat tied to how he believes others perceive the appearance of his spouse. That being said, we should be sensitive to our spouse's needs but it should not trump our own. We are not discussing some wild and crazy notion. We are talking about someone deciding to embrace their god-given tresses. He knew he was marrying a black woman. The texture of her hair should be no surprise to him. GET OVER IT!!!

  • Terica says:

    Men are afraid of change. My boyfriend (now fiance) never opposed me going natural but just kept asking what my hair would look like. I communicated with him through my whole process and after 10.5 months of transitioning, he was the one saying, 'just cut it already!' The more excited I was about my new curls and coils, the more he was. I think because I involved him and explained to him why it was so important to me, he could do nothing but respect me. He never even mentions my straight hair now and loves pulling on my curls and watching them shrink back into place!! LOL a man that really loves you will embrace you fully but I think you have to definitely COMMUNICATE! Most men (as do many women) don't like what they don't understand so if you can explain the why, he'll respect it if nothing else. Of course it helps that I keep my hair looking fly! LOL. Final point, consider if your man came home with his hair dyed blonde without telling you…how would you feel? Nothing ever justifies cheating but I think that was just an extreme reaction to the surprise and his feelings being hurt. Just communicate!

  • mood_indigo says:

    Funny you bring this up. My husband has always been super supportive of my natural hair journey and is even using my products (which is another story in itself. HELLO, NOT CHEAP!) but I digress. The other day out of nowhere he says, "if you ever just decided to like shave your head and sport a fade, and it wasn't due to some illness that made you lose your hair, I'm not sure I'd be ok with that." Now, I am not considering doing that but it did kind of throw me for a loop. It's my hair negro! However, he has sported some cuts that I was not too fond of so I guess I can't really complain.
    AKA – Jada07

  • artsylee says:

    "he argued that as her partner, such a drastic change (shoulder length hair to TWA) should have been discussed with him prior to her trip to the salon."

    I'm sorry but I don't share this opinion. There are somethings that one cannot/ should not try to control about others and appearance is one of them. Where would it stop? I understand that it is important to communicate and compromise et al but at the end of the day the prerogative is still mine. I'll take his opinion under advisement but I'll stop at doing something just because my spouse wants it. I would expect the same treatment.

  • CURLYNIKKI says:

    Great discussion ladies! Love it!

  • Anonymous says:

    I had hinted around with my boyfriend before I did my BC and he didn't take me seriously. I only transitioned for a few weeks and was rocking a super fierce mowhawk beforehand. Well, when I did BC I had less than an inch of hair and when he came over he stopped in his tracks and stared at me and kept walking. His first words "You look like me"… I didn't care. I told him if he didn't like it then he can leave and not to come crawling back when I figure out how to really work it and I start looking the bomb… He stayed. 4 months later he's in love with my hair and plays in it all the time. A woman should always put herself first. If her man doesn't like her hair, he's entitled to his opinion like anyone else but if he threatens their relationship because of it HIS HEART ISN'T IN IT.

  • growingintome says:

    Truthfully, ladies I am going through that exact situation EXCEPT my husband has not stated or even acted like he has wanted to cheat. My husband is not liking me wanting to go natural. I am still transitioning and wearing my hair pinned up at this time. He does not want me to cut my hair. He is so used to me with long hair (short when I married him but grew it out). He has stated that he would not like me cutting my hair. He does not know that I have been obsessively watching others BC stories on youtube and reading all kinds of blogs and I AM READY. I have been transitioning for 8mos now and I just can't keep damaging my relaxed ends and my new growth. Taking care of both textures in just crazy. I am not using my flat iron any more to keep from damaging my new growth. SOOOO I will be cutting my hair next week. I have about 5in of new growth. It's time for it to GOOO!. I am a little nervous about how he is going to react. I don't know how it is going to go but I can say that I AM READY. In order to love him I need to be able to love my self and embrace WHO I AM! I think he won't like it but he won't say anything just give me crazy looks but hey it won't be the first or last time that someone looks at me like WHAT WAS SHE THINKING??? Life keeps going and my natural journey will begin really soon a sista just needs to go and get my kinky curly custard and some Miss Jessie products to have on hand to see what works best on my hair. PRAY FOR ME!!!!! 🙂

  • Meredith James says:

    I must say that as someone in a committed relationship communication is key. Regardless of "mainstream media standards" relationships are about compromise. In addition to the fact that men are VERY visual. Of course making a big change would shock, now I don't belieive that his reaction was right however whether he was giving the silent treatment or not his feelings would be the same. I think its important to ease men into change. As we all know most men are RELUCTANT to change. Anywhooo that's all for me… side note I mix my natural up with weaves and other funky natural styles that my man likes…

  • Miss Tiff says:

    I'm married and discuss every thing with my husband. As does he. I hate beards and he loves them. So he wears one for as long as he likes and then cuts it off for me sometimes. I don't make a deal of it and neither does he.

    He likes my hair natural or straight. But he does not like weaves, wigs, twist or braids. I'm not sure what he would say to a very short cut, but he would want me to at least tell him before hand. I'm his half and he's my half.

    Now, if he or any man didn't like my natural state, they would be asked to leave. They can like certain styles over others, but they need to like me the way God made me.

  • nicole says:

    I'm already sensitive enough as it about my hair. I'm working on it though. However, if my boyfriend or husband can't accept me for all of me, then he can go about his business and live life without me. When you love someone, you love all of them flaws, beauty choices, etc. everything. Now I know I sound like a hypocrite because I said you should love someone and all of their flaws being his he doesn't like my hair. I mean if he displayed his ideal about my hair in such a way that it was disrespectful, that he just all of sudden fell out of love, then he can get to stepping. However if he's willing to hear my side of whyI made my decision and learn to appreciate my strong nature and character and accept it, eventually embracing it then we're all good. Guys seem to have so much opinion about a woman's hair, controlling a bit I would think. You gotta look this way or that way or I'm not going to date you. If he thinks that way, then you ain't for me. I don't mind being single.

  • Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend was very supportive when I shaved my head. He used to have dreads and happens to like my hair natural. He rubbed my head everytime he saw me and now that it's growing out he loves it. He wants me to get dreads but I told him I just want to grow it out ans see how it goes. And he's fine with that. I think that a man should be supportive of the decision his woman makes. He should be able to trust her enough to know that she knows what looks good and whats good for her.

  • Anonymous says:

    Re: any man who is not supportive…just show him the recent pictures of Naomi Campbell's baldness and ask: "Now, do you want to embrace natural hair?"

  • Anonymous says:

    Anyway, if a man wanted me to change anything about my body for his pleasure alone and threatened me with cheating, our relationship would be over or VERY shaky at the least because it wouldn't happen. He is clearly not "the one" and I have clearly been mistaken up to that point. My opinion on this matter doesn't change if we are legally and financially intertwined.
    If he was just communicating with me openly and airing out his dirt, then we could talk about his feelings and how to work through that. It's clearly HIS personal problem that he needs to work on. If he can't work it out, then it's over. He's not "the one."

    My ex changed his appearance several times during our six year relationship. He didn't need to consult me (although I do agree you should keep your partner informed as a part of good communication). I gave my opinion whether it was negative or positive. And he continued to do him regardless. I didn't request or require him to change, because ultimately I was attracted to who I thought he was, not his styling. I expect and demand the same in return from a partner.

  • Anonymous says:

    If my hair turns him off and he is thinking about cheating, than that is just an excuse. If it isn't the hair it will be something else I do that will make him cheat. It's about respect, if my husband doesn't like it he will tell me. I respect his honesty, does it change my mind sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't depends on the sitution. The key word is respect, he has a right not to like it, but does he have the right to tell me what to do with my hair. I in turn respect him enough to give though to his opinion and not discount it.

  • Unknown says:

    You're man needs to love you for YOU. Not your hair, skin, nails, bones. The physical things are temporary and if that's the focus then you really need to sit down and reconsider the root of your love. Because if a physical change is affecting your relationship to the point that your man is mad then there is a deeper problem that goes way beyond natural hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    OMG!!! Get real. Nikki, hun you shouldn't have even asked this. Now we won't get anything but the "every guy but a black guy likes my natural hair" lies and all that other mess. Ugh I hate the stuck up wenches on this site. LOL bet this comment won't be up long, if at all!!!

  • Novemberlady13 says:

    I'm 19 and I've only ran across one person who didn't like my natural hair (I've been natural all my life), but that didn't stop him from liking me. So most of the guys I know LOVE natural hair. And I think the ones that don't haven't been around many natural with nice looking hair. Send them to a HBCU and they will have a whole new appreciation for it.
    Since I'm already and always been natural, I don't think I will ever have this problem. But even so I would never change my hair for someone else. It's my hair and I will do what ever the hell I want with it.

  • Tamandra says:

    I think if my husband decided to grow his hair long and get braids, I'd feel some type of way about it but at the end of the day I would let him do what he wanted if it made him happy. Not saying I wouldn't try to convince him to do otherwise but I think its beneficial for some sort of prior consultation to take place before any major/drastic physical change.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have to say that recently my husband and I revisited when I first cut my hair six months ago. Six months ago, he told me it looked nice but now six months later, her said this not to hurt my feeling because he really did not like it. Now that I have some length, he actually said that he thinks I look "Hot" and is so happy the hair grew. He appreciates the fact that I don't have to waste time at the shop anymore, and that I look totally unique and comfortable. He said he knew it is just hair and that it would grow back, he just did not like it so short. His issue is more length than texture.
    But please note, I don't like everything he does! If he cuts off his goatee, I let him know that I don't like it and he needs to grow it back. But if he didn't, it wouldn't change the way feel about him.

  • Anonymous says:

    I recently have gone through this…my ex-beau was ok with my natural hair, but preferred me with straightened hair. But I have now decided that the next man that I am with will have to love me and my natural, thick, kinky hair…I will make every effort to keep it supple and managed, but it is what it is.- trugrit

  • Sasha B. says:

    Giving him a heads up may've softened the blow.
    However, "discussing" it with him could've easily been twisted to "getting his consent"…and a grown woman doesn't need to have permission from anyone, in regards to making alterations to her body or the things attached to it. If HE wanted to go bald, he may or may not ask her for her approval, but we ALL know that at the end of the day he would do what he wanted to do.

    All that to say, I wouldn't get involved with someone who bases whether or not to marry me by the hair on my head. It's an extension of me and if they can't accept something as petty (however, personal) as my HAIR? I don't need to be with him anyway, because changing it for his sake would mean compromising myself and the person I am, for the rest of my marriage. …no thanks.

  • Anonymous says:

    Salutations,
    Thank you for posting on this topic. I feel very fortunate that my hubby seems more attached to my natural hair than I am. He was encouraging me to come out of the extensions and head wraps when I was concerned about people's responses to me. But I also have to say, in my experience, the men that responded best to my curly locks didn't have the same texture of hair as I do. One even knew how to grease my scalp like a pro and I had to marry him. In short, my husband knows how much the perm burns my scalp, he has researched the ingredients in the perm and couldn't believe what I had to go through as a child before I cried my way out of getting perms, and he has seen the pictures of my scalp growing back over my hair. I realize my husband loves my hair, but I know he loves the individual under the hair more. Side note: My mother even recently told my Hubby the embarrassing story of visiting the doctor when I was 11 years old and made the decision to stop eating foods or using products that contained hormone disrupters instead of visiting our family physician once a month for injections to stabilize my hormones to ensure typical development. My main point is that we should always take our significant others into consideration when making decisions, but the final decision is ultimately yours. I braid my hair with extensions from time to time and my Hubby doesn't like it, but he loves me enough to know that it makes me happy and if I'm happy, he is happy. Plus we are not always going to be able to please other people, but we can all behave in a way that shows respect to the other person's feelings. (Please note that does not mean give Hubby his way all the time, it means be respectful, and sometimes agree to disagree.) Live, Love, Peace. ~ Sweetsop

  • Anonymous says:

    When i first started dating my BF, i had a sew in. I took it out and whenever i was around him i wore a head wrap. So one day we were wrestling and the head wrap fell off revealing my puff but instead of hurrying up and putting it back on, i just said F it and let him see. Instantly he grabbed it and smiled. I get more attention now then when i was relaxed basically cuz im more CONFIDENT now. To be natural you have to have that "I dnt give a F" attitude. I get more hateful comments from women than men. But all my women and guy friends love my hair and applaud me for going natural. Cant wait till it grows big like nikki's, im gon be too much lol

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree that she should have discussed her decision to go natural with her husband, however her decision is hers alone. I dealt with a similar situation with my boyfriend, when I decided to go natural. He compared it to him growing out his hair and getting braids (which I don't approve of)..I agreed, and we discussed my decision further. I explained to him the reasons why I'd decided to go natural and asked that he try to understand. While it may be an individual decision to go natural, it is only right to discuss it with your spouse. It is now almost 2 years later, and its starting to grow on him; he loves the texture.

  • TheLibraryClerk says:

    I would NEVER change my hair for any girl.

    My girlfriend likes my natural hair and I'm glad she likes it. However if she didn't like it and constantly told me how much she didn't like it, pretty soon we'd be broken up.

  • Anonymous says:

    Good Points
    @curls galore

  • The Melanista says:

    I'm blessed to be with someone who accepts me as I am. He met me when I had about an 1" of nappy hair and he never saw my relaxed hair; only pictures. Needless to say, he sees me for who I really am on the outside and got to know more about me on the inside. He adores my hair and never wants me to relax it — not that I plan to.

    Now this scenario is tricky. I commend her for going out and doing something meaningful for herself. She didn't seek approval or affirmation from anyone. That in itself is awesome! However, she is in a partnership (marriage) with her husband. Discussing her decision with her husband is not mandatory, but I think out of courtesy she should've given her husband the heads up about her decision. Not asking for permission or approval, but TELLING him that she plans to change her appearance and it was a personal decision for her and no one else. Simply ask for his support and offer to help him deal with the change.

    Men are physicial creatures. Their first impression of a woman is based on physical appearance. For her husband to see her go from relaxed shoulder length hair (what he is used to) to short 2" afro textured hair is quite a drastic change for him. He really didn't get a chance to prepare himself and rightfully so he was a little upset. Yes, it her hair and her choice, but she needs to consider how her husband would feel about it, too. He obviously loves his wife and will accept her completely. Hence, why he is coming around after the fact. I'm glad he's feeling it now.

    If she was single then there would be no need for discussion. But if you're in a serious relationship (engaged) or married, one should be considerate of the other when it comes to making certain decisions that may affect either party involved. Just my opinion.

  • Anonymous says:

    This is my second transition and both times my husband has been very supportive. He doesn't care whether it is short or long, permed or natural he loves me for me…I on he other hand have more issues than him…your husband will come around and if he doesn't, his loss!

  • alwaysbored says:

    I think she should have talked to her husband about wanting to change her hair, but whether or not he wanted her to do it I think she should have. I wouldn't change my hair for love because I believe there is someone out there that will love me with my hair the way "I" like it.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think you should share why you want to go natural when share that you want to go natural. If someone loves you, they will eventually warm up to the idea (hopefully) because they want you to be happy.

    When I first asked my boyfriend what he thought of me going natural, he was against it. he was afraid that I would look like a man… well a few months later we broke up and I did it anyway. (The breakup had nothing to do with the hair….if only it were that simple…lol)

    Anyway, we got back together (by then i was completely natural and had been for over a year). He was a little shocked to see me natural after years of knowing me with straight hair but it grew on him. He has told me prefers certain styles but the texture never bothered him. Besides, he likes that he doesn't have to worry about "messing" up my hair in those ..shall we say more intitmate moments. Even when I was considering relaxing it, he was encouraging me to stay natural because it makes me happy.

    we have even joked about his fears of it being man-ish…. Although, he never got to see the beginning of the journey… which was awkard and done on a painful learning curve so he might have hated in those days but we will never know…

    I have even explained to him the health implications and discomfort relaxers caused me so he knows why i have made this choice.

    BTW, He does consult me on his hair cuts before he gets them to make sure i am gonna like them since he feels a hair cut is "30% for him and 70% for the ladies"…. his words, not mine. lol.

  • Anonymous says:

    Living this one EVERYDAY!!

    When I cut all my gorgeous long blonde hair off last year in May, my husband could not stop calling me "fella". As the months went on, he would say things like "natural hair is a cult" or it leads to other things…

    But as time went on, he started calling me "puff puff" and "fuzzy" and "blondie".

    Daily he would tell me that "I needed to get some creamy crack". I still wonder where he learned that term.

    Now, he just calls me "puff puff" or "fuzzy"…or tells me how it is softer. and he says it with endearment.

    Now, THIS IS MY TAKE on the matter which I freely let him know:

    "When my hair was long and flowing, it did not keep you faithful. I had worlds of curls and color and length but, it did not prevent anything that happened in our marriage. I knew you liked long hair so I kept it that way without a weave. So, now that I am natural, you can say what you want –do what you want, but I am not perming my hair…I will straighten it for you when I feel like it, but guess what "Momma is happy so I suggest you do the same".

    I know that sounds cruel but that is my reality.

    And by the way, I have been married for 17 years this year. Yes, I have been through it all.

    I think he has come to accept and like it on some level…because I was one of those who added flowers, pins, headbands…the works. He has made other complimentary comments along the way to let me know on some level he has accepted it and likes it.

    And since day 1 of my BC, I have always worn my natural hair with confidence and of course my little bottle of "blonde"!!!

  • Keyz says:

    I think she should have definitely let him know, or given him a fare warning….not necessarily a discussion….because if it's a discussion then he may feel as though he can change your mind…when that is clearly not the case.

  • Bianca says:

    As I mentioned in my "ON THE COUCH" my perm hair was ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. So I had the opposite. My bf didn't know what natural was or he had never dated a girl with natural hair. But, he thought my perm hair was nice, but I would let it get in the way and so he disliked it. And like I said before I was so vain about it, that I could see how this could be a problem. So when it came time to make the decision he was 100% on board. When I came home from the shop after my big chop he touched it up for me and made sure it was even all around. He complimented me all the time and still does. He loves when I wear it "out" and big! He so supportive of natural hair that he allowed his then 8 year old daughter to transition back to natural after her mother had previously permed her hair. Now she is 10 with a head full of natural hair and all the time he tells her "your hair is beautiful" I love it!

  • jerseygirl1977 says:

    When I met my husband I was already natural and told him that I intended to stay that way. I made it clear that I was not going to relax my hair EVER and was this a deal breaker. Now fast forward, we are currently married, my hair is still natural but I have heat damage from our wedding and he doesnt want me to cut it out. He would rather my hair stay long and just grow out the straight pieces instead of doing a "big chop". I can understand both sides of the issue and I think I've let my husband's wishes supersede mine. However, since the straight pieces arent really hurting me, I have decided to just grow my hair out and cut them off little by little. It can be a challenge sometimes when you're in a relationship because you want to do what you want but you also want your spouse to be happy as well. I think if a compromise can be made its best to do that.

  • honeybrown1976 says:

    I am early in my transition (2 months and some days actually); but, my husband supports it. The only thing he wants is length retention, which is why I'm not bc'ing. I will do a long-term transition (I don't like short hair for me as well.)

    I met my husband during our freshman year in college (1994) when I was relaxed and with long hair (bsl). He always liked my long hair. One day I mentioned that I was on the fence and considering going back to natural after relaxing for so long. Also, I informed him of the effects of the relaxer, the time, the cost, and how curious I was to know my own texture. He told me that he supports me as long as I kept it long.

    It's my opinion that if a man cannot support your hair, he does not support your self-image nor does he support his own.

  • Anonymous says:

    I decided to inform my husband of my intentions to go natural several months (about 5 months) in advance. I told him my reasons for doing it, and that I would appreciate his support. Now, this support is coming from the person who told me several years ago that I didn't have the face for short hair, the texture for natural hair, etc., etc., etc. It's funny because I had short hair when I met him. I BC'd on 06/04/2010 and I haven't looked back. When he first saw my new cut, his comment was "you got an afro?", then he asked me if I liked it. I told him "I LOVE IT!" and he said "cool" and left it at that. I have gotten more compliments from friends/family/strangers than I have from him, but I didn't get my hair cut for him. I did this for me, and I know that I am rockin' my new look! 🙂

  • glamazini says:

    No, I would never relax my hair for "love".

  • Anonymous says:

    my first thoughts after reading this: if a husband reacts this way (you look like a man, not speaking to you, not attracted to you) about a TWA….God forbid a woman get a medical condition which leads to a bald head. I know these are two TOTALLY different matters but they need to get it together. I really think they say extreme things like "you look like a man" just to get you to change to what they like. YES we should want our men attracted to us but they should look beyond the bad and the ugly. It's not always good…even with straight hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    My BF is my best freind, and most of the men I have dated have been in tune to my inner-thinkings. I ask him what he thinks just as I would ask a girlfriend, and we discuss the politics of beauty and culture just because it's interesting to me. My BF knows what I think, and when I change my mind. We have debates and even talk about other people. I can't imagine my man not being in on the process, nor getting stuck on shallow aesthetics (or he would not be my type).

    When I first BC'd my guy at the time drove me to the barber and sat patiently watching. We went out that night and I even explained how I felt and what I was wearing to compensate lol.

    Since then I find men are attracted to me BECAUSE of my hair. A new natural needs only to go out with her radiant self and have her guy watch the attention and energy she attracts. If he wasn't the type of guy who finds natural hair attractive, he'll see that he needs to become that guy quick, or SHE will be the one tempted to have an affair with a smarter man who finds her beautiful.

  • Anonymous says:

    I went through the exact same situation with my husband when I first cut my hair. I was sooo shocked because normally, he was very supportive of any decision I ever made! I was extremely hurt by his reaction!!! The first couple of days, he was very distant and didn't want to talk…

    Eventually I couldn't take it anymore so I forced him to have the conversation. My husband is a very smart man and we were educated at the same institution. He is very dark skinned and his sister has natural 4b hair… It was the weirdest thing because he liked his sister's hair, but didn't want me to go natural!!! He didn't want to admit it, but I think (unfortuately) it had alot to do with what he was conditioned to believe was "beautiful" by societal standards!! I couldn't believe my husband, who took African American Studies classes, thought this way!!

    Anyway, today, he is sooo supportive of me and my decision and he feels very bad about his initial reaction. Just like many women go through a "process of self-exceptance" when we cut our hair, black men do too!! I don't think my husband realized he had these subconscious feelings about natural hair, but he did!!!

    Ladies… this natural hair thing is really deep in the community…

  • Anonymous says:

    My husband's opinion and feelings are very important to me so I discussed cutting my hair with my husband before the bc and he was very supportive;however, if he hadn't been supportive I would have still cut my hair because the decision to go natural for me was intensely personal. I had to endure relaxers and chemicals. Not him. To address the issue of a partner leaving or thinking of cheating do to going natural or cutting your hair sounds like a much deeper issue. What if you became sick and lost all your hair? Would he leave? What if you developed alopecia? Or were scarred in an accident? Love is much deeper than a physical "preference". I prefer men with a six pack but that doesn't mean I'll leave my husband because he has a tummy. That is a relationship that definately needs to be reevaluated.

  • LaNeshe says:

    I feel like when you are already in a relationship, especially a marriage, you shouldn't really surprise your significant other with such a drastic change in your looks. But a person that loves you should always see you as beautiful. However, when first meeting someone, I wouldn't suggest changing yourself for that person in any way.

    This is definitely a hard thing.

  • Anonymous says:

    I do think it's a conversation you should have with your significant other, but I do also think you should ruuuuuuuun as fast as you can if someone reacts in this way about it! But my hubby and I talked at length (he probably got sick of hearing about it!) about me cutting my hair. I've worn it short several times over the 14 years we've been together, so while he PREFERS it long (it was shoulder length), he also likes it short. And everyone in my family prefers it short, so support all around 🙂 Just sing IndiaArie's "I am not my hair…" 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm single but imagine how devastating it would feel to have your husband/"the one" hate your hair, and have the gall to say so. I think I would be wondering what was wrong in our relationship (or with him!) that he considered hair so important. If he wanted to leave because of my TWA, and couldn't adjust, I think I'd let him go and find someone who loved all of me.

  • Neems says:

    Hmmm,I think one should tell their significant other about the cut, tell him why and ask how he feels. If Amber Rose and Alec Wek can make magazine covers and be seen as beautiful and feminine,men need to mature and see that beauty isn't just about hair. Short or natural, I wouldn't want to be a with a man that didn't appreciate me "as is."

  • Dani says:

    Men are just that way (My dad hated my hair when I cut it, suggested I weave it up)…I guess that's why you have to find the right one? My ex didn't want me to go natural…but he had locks (crazy huh). Of course, me being me, I went and BC'd anyway. He hated it, but we were on the out's so who really cared. Fast forward 7 years, my current and hopefully last boyfriend LOVES my natural hair..and is even encouraging me to get locks. I have natural hair commitment issues though, lol, I'm LOVING my curls and coils. So he'll have to wait on that one. But it so nice to have someone supportive of me and my choices…

  • Anonymous says:

    It's not about the "hair"; it's about the definition of "feminine". When will someone thoroughly explore what is masculine and feminine? In today's changing world with folks going bald for various personal health reasons, we need to really explore why folks are hung up on the gender definitions. What would happen if all her hair fell out due to Alopecia and she decided not to wear a wig? would he leave her then? I think he is not admitting he thinks women with short hair are not feminine and he is not bold enough to deal with this issue and they are not mature enough to explore this thoroughly…

  • Anonymous says:

    I have to say that there is a difference between natural hair and short hair. One is a style and the other just is. I know that men of many cultures associate long hair with feminine beauty regardless of texture. So while I would be repulsed by a man who was turned off by my natural hair texture, I could probably understand why a man might not be too keen on the TWA look for his woman. (Personally, I think it's lovely). However, for a man to consider cheating on his wife based on her hair length is ridiculous. What if she had lost her hair to chemotherapy or another medical reason? For a man to abandon his woman for such a superficial reason, would make him a true low-life in my eyes.

  • Anonymous says:

    I know it is my hair, but I'd definetely discuss that with my partner (if I had one), mainly if it was a haircut because most men don't see short hair as attractive.

    My story: I used to relax my hair for years, had bone straight one. It was a BSL but it was falling apart badly. I wished do use it more curly (not natural, but with texturizings). At that time, I had a foreign boyfriend who supported me when I came with the natural conversation.

    So I BC'd and put wavy/curly weaves (he hated it). I had to take them out because they were killing my hair and had to deal with such short hair that I never had. My confidence and self-esteem were zero. All I could do was looking for products and hair sites in an attempt to learn what to do with that allien hair. To make it shorter: among other things, my P-JISM and hair nuts helped to gove that relation an end.

    Coming back to the topic: on the other hand, if it was a guy I had no commitment, I'd not consider his opinion. In fact that just happend last week: there was an ex who got to know me when I had straigh hair. We were playing a return, then he told me that he liked my previous hair. I replied: we have nothing in common because I love my hair in its natural way. So, he answered saying that the I should please myself. But he stopped calling me. Men… 😛 Well, between him and my hair, I choose my hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    I would head for the door and consider myself blessed that my natural hair revealed the true character of the man that I was with. As a single woman in search of true love, one of the reasons I decided to go natural was because I wanted to attract the right kind of man. A man who is in love with the real me and who is enlightened enough to reject Eurocentric standards of beauty and to embrace mine. I am under no illusions – personally, I get a lot less attention from men since I began the transition from relaxed to natural hair. It could be because my transition has been awkward but regardless, at this age, I'm no longer concerned with quantity. I am all about the quality. The Marines are looking for a few good men; I'm just looking for one.

  • BrownLady says:

    I really don't understand what is so drastic about someone wanting to cut their hair. If you would even consider leaving your mate because of a change in hair, heaven only knows what you would do if someone where to become terminally ill, or get some kind of uncontrollable deformity. Let's be real people…it's only hair. Obviously someone is quite shallow to consider a change in hair a deal breaker. Obviously, their opinion of beauty was not very high in the first place. You didn't go and get a face lift…

  • Anonymous says:

    While I was transitioning, I wore a variety of ponytails and other hairpieces. My favorite was an afro puff that I would throw on when I didn't feel like doing my hair. I also wore it because it gave me a feel for how my hair would look once it was completely perm free. Well, my boyfriend at the time HATED it. Like if it was something he could kill, he would have. And every time I wore it, he would make it a point to tell me so. So….I made sure I wore it EVERY TIME I saw him. It made me feel good and the fact that it bugged him so much made it even better.

  • Anonymous says:

    "For better or for worse…Through sickness and in good health"…Hair or no hair! LOL. Going natural is a temporary physical change — hair grows back and it can be styled for versatility! The person on the inside is still the same, so if a man threatens to leave because of that change; he's not the right man for you. What if you lost all of your hair due to an illness; would he leave then because you "look like a man?" In my opinion, any man that feels that way is shallow!

    I'm currently transitioning and single (and dating) with planns to chop in about a week, and I've gotten plenty of opposition from men for my decision to cut my APL hair. I say screw them, it's my hair! If you're not here because of the person inside then you need to keep it moving because the outer shell changes but the inner core remains the same!

  • Shakera says:

    I have never commented before but now I find my self doing it twice in one day; my partner doesn't really get what the fuss is with the whole kinky v's straight hair thing – he doesn't understand why anyone with beautiful natural hair whatever the texture would want to change it. However, a previous boyfriend has commented that he would prefer my hair if it were straight.

    When you love someone it is hard to know that they are unhappy with any part of you – especially something as personal as your appearance. If your partner isn't thrilled about your choice of hair style, I truly believe that he should keep his views to himself and give it a chance, he will most likely get used to it as it grows and if not, if he really loves the person that you are it shouldn't be a problem. I put up with all manor of extremely ugly shirts and eye wear (please, never underestimate the effect bad glasses can have on your entire face) from the guy who preferred straight hair but neither of us held each others personal style choices against the other.

  • Blakbutterfli says:

    When I BC'd, I'd already told my husband what I was planning on doing. He was on board, so it was not a huge shock, but even if he hadn't been, I still would have done it for the health of my hair.

    Now, as a married woman, I will say this. It's easy to say "f' 'em" to a boyfriend or someone who is not "the one" in your life. But, as a woman, you want your partner to be attracted to you and this is magnified when it's someone you've pledged your life too.

    To me, natural hair should not be a deal breaker – hell, it's your NATURAL hair. It shouldn't be a deal breaker anymore than an accident would be if it changed how you looked. But, everyone is not the same. I think in a marriage you have to discuss things, but you must toe the line and not let what your partner thinks of a look determine how you feel about yourself.

  • Amelie says:

    Wow… I wish I could say that I had this problem but I didn't my husband was very, very supportive when I told him I was deciding to go natural and he is loving every hair on my head. I think that you should tell your partner at least so it is not a total shock to them. But I do pose this thought for everyone here. Would a man ever change his hair for us? I mean if I told my husband that I prefer him with something like a jerri curl, cornrows or locs and not his low cut all the time. Would he change his hair for me? Think about it and do what is best for you cause if he loves you for real he loves you regardless to what is on your head. It's only Hair!

  • Elizabeth says:

    Never. I couldn't love a man who was repelled by my natural hair. The whole psychology behind disliking natural Black hair is so screwed and skewed. He would either have to educate himself and grow to love it or kick rocks!

    -Liz

  • Shena says:

    I've been thinking about that question a lot. I'm currently single and about to start transitioning. I'm nervous whenever I meet a guy because I don't know whether to tell him I'm going natural or not. There's the fear of whether they like me as me or with weave. But then you also have the other side where you know a guy actually prefers or likes women with natural hair, and I don't to share with him because then it may seem like I'm trying to hard. It's all so confusing!!

  • Anonymous says:

    @Michelle, I felt the same way too after my big chop. I felt like alot of men were not even trying to see me. Prior to that when I had bra strap long relaxed hair, I thought that was the only reason why some men talked to me. But when I think back on it, my lack of hair weeded out the superficial ones. It's all about confidence and being comfortable with yourself that will bring the real men to the table.

  • Anonymous says:

    It's s funny that you posted this. My hubbs came to pick me after after my dance practice last nite, only to reveal he'd shaved off all his gorgeous natural curls! I was LIVID. But he's hanging in there w/me during my transition, so I backed off his Mr. Clean head for the moment. (He better be lucky his head isn't shaped funny, lol!) Seriously, I do think something like drastic hair changes should be discussed before taking plunges – caracara had a fantastic approach! It may be YOUR head, but you're in it together; once you marry, you are ONE. Just my humble opinion. Oh, & LEAVING because of it is anothe thing. Love shouldn't be based on something like hair. Alright: rambling now. Gotta go! 😉

    naturaldancer~candice

  • emm says:

    In regards to the first portion of the post, I think that anyone who tells you that your new hair style causes them to think about cheating is not "the one" and never was. On the other hand I think wives should discuss changing any part of their body with their husband. Going from shoulder length hair to a twa is a drastic change. Although the looking like a man statement was harsh, I can see how a husband would feel disrespected and left out because 'she didn't think enough of him to even bring it up'. I was thinking about dyeing my hair and brought it up to my husband. I think the ins and outs of whether or not she should have said something stem from the type of relationship you have. If you belong to the school of thought that (as a married women) your body belongs to your husband and his to you, then the decision you make with your body should involve your spouse.

  • AusetAbena says:

    I never heard of a man asking a woman permission to cut his hair. (That's just the feminist in me). I understand that already married women (or other women in committed relationships) have a harder situation when doing something drastic to their hair than we single ladies. But alter your hair for love? There is more to being a woman than hair and true love sees that. I don't miss out on the men who don't talk to me because I have natural hair or a TWA. I thank God I don't have to be bothered if they are that into looks and hair in particular. I could go on all day, but I will just end with, after God, the most important love is self-love. That is what really matters. Act and do things accordingly.

  • Anonymous says:

    What I think is that if "the one" hates your new hair so much that he wants to cheat on you or that it is a turn off, news flash! They aren't the one! Hair is superficial, like clothing and make up, they do not make the person, they enhance them. I BC'ed to about an inch and a half, when I was off and on with my son's father. He said he preferred my permed hair and told me so when I told him I wanted to go natural. He did not scold me or not speak to me after I chopped it off. He is now my husband and he even told me he likes it, and is "use to it" (sometime I get a dominican blow out, if he is a good boy to remind him of old times! LOL) But he never felt less attracted to me by my hair,maybe my attitude but not my hair, because he love me for me!

  • Unknown says:

    Very interesting discussion…most of the people I read about on CN are already in a relationship when they decide to go natural. Lately, I've been asking myself, "Are men still attracted to me now that I'm natural?" I don't get nearly as much attention now that I'm natural versus when I had long relaxed hair. Yes, I want to be in a relationship, but since I've been natural, I'm not sure how my hair is received by men. Personally, I love my TWA…going natural has been one of the best decisions I've ever made.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think if my husband were to react that negatively my hair choice I would suspect that something deeper was going on in the relationship and he is using the hair issue as an easier thing to jump on. I agree with Naturally Mel to say something to your man so it won't be too shocking. But when it comes down to it, if your woman is going to be happy with however she chooses to wear her hair, MEN you better get behind it and be there to support her! Because if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

  • Unkindred Hart says:

    If she didn't mention it to him before hand she should have. I told the people close to me that I was planning on cutting it. They weren't sold on it but they weren't totally shocked when I did it. Now they love it!

  • Tiffy2 says:

    OMG CN,I am all over this one. as you know,I went through almost the same thing with my husband. I'm not gonna lie,when I first met my husband I let him tell me what would look cute on me as far as clothes. and how I should wear my hair,what type of wigs to buy and so forth.when I didn't wear what he thought wasn't "sexy" to him he would let me know it.I got tired of that sh!t and finally said I'm not doing this to look good for you,I'm doing this to look good for ME! so when I did my BC he hated it more than anything and he told me I look like a man too. but I had to keep telling myself and him that I did this for ME and not YOU! If my husband ever told me that if I didn't go back to perms that he would leave me or cheat on me I would quickly tell him to kick major rocks fa real! because you didn't marry my hair,you married ME! and I don't think I should have to ASK him or anybody else if it's ok to change my look. that's F'in BS! If he's gonna leave or cheat because of my hair,then maybe this marriage wasn't ment to be in the first place. that's just how I feel,maybe others might feel different!

  • Anonymous says:

    I think the choice of whether to go or stay, would actually be his. If he can't accept her natural hair, and it's that important, he needs to be the one deciding whether it's a "deal breaker". I agree with the earlier post that giving him a little warning probably wouldn't helped soften his reaction. Men don't necessarily think about our hair in the same way we do, and he may have never considered her big chop a possibility.

  • caracara says:

    Been there. My hair had been long and permed for the 20 years that I have known my husband. My hubbie is the type that reacted to anything I did to my hair that wasn't the routine roller wrap. I told him I wanted to BC for my birthday and he was very skeptical and not supportive. I didn't overlook his feelings. My plan to win him over: I wet my new growth and ran some Totally Twisted Condish throuth it and then tucked and pinned up the permed ends and wore a psuedo-twa look for a few days so he could get used to it. He liked it and finally saw the light. lol I big chopped a few days later and he loved it! I took pics of my twa for me and I noticed that he forwarded my pics to our friends because he loved the look so much! Another key to get hubby on your side: tell the hubby about all the money and time you will save because you are NOT going to the salon!!!!

  • Naturally Mel says:

    The only thing I believe should have been done differently is she should have said something to him so it wouldn't be that much of a shock. Even if it was just a hint or comment. All things considered hair is a personal issue and if however one chooses to groom it that is their preference.

  • Angieb says:

    I don't think she should have had to discuss HER hair with her husband…Maybe bring it up and if he doesn't like it, then that's his problem. If she is beautiful with hair, then she is beautiful without hair. She couldn't help it if, his insecurities were brought out by what media says is beautiful. The same situation sort of happened to me with my first boyfriend. He hated when I wore my hair in a ponytail because he said that it was "ghetto." I told him that maybe he should wash, blow dry, and flat iron it himself then…He eventually backed off.

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