Yesterday, TerraD’s Curl to Curl question received a lot of attention! Kimmie0810 sent along this email in response and wants your opinion!
Kimmie0810 writes:
After reading the responses to “Unsolicited Commentary–Natural Hair”, I started thinking and playing devil’s advocate as I tend to do sometimes (I cannot control the inquisitive Psych major in me!!!). So I have a question: Are some of the “negative”/unsolicited/hurtful comments and questions naturals hear due to people not accepting or liking natural hair, or could it be that the particular natural just happened to look a hot mess that day?I know I am guilty of being defensive about my hair and assuming that people are “against” it because they are “brainwashed” into thinking that long straight hair is the norm. HOW DARE THEY?! lol My favorite comeback is to brag how healthy my hair is and to tell naysayers they will eat their words when my hair grows out bigger and deffer than ever before!! Ha! But when I am honest with myself, sometimes I look a HOT MESS! Especially when I am chillin’ at home and family or friends come over talking smack about my bonnet or my wild uncombed ‘fro! I get defensive (mostly in a playful way), but know good and well my hair does NOT look good in that moment.I’ve also seen pictures on FB, on natural hair sites, and videos on Youtube of people “showing off” their hair and I look and wonder why they would put that up on the internet for people to see, lol. I know hair is personal and everyone should be proud of their hair and love it unconditionally, but when we are honest, we have ALL seen some naturals with a dry unkempt mess on their heads. And sometimes that dry, unkempt mess is on our very own heads! So, are we being fair to others when we assume that they are “hating” on natural hair when they could just be responding to a bad hair day we didn’t even realize we were having??
Weigh in! Are we too sensitive?
_______________________________________________
Original Post 10/27/10
TerraD asks:
What’s one comment directed toward you and your curls that completely annoys you?
Wow, just got a chance to read all these post and I must share that I am guilty of the thoughts, for people with natural hair, until i went natural. I always thought it was beautiful but I was concerned when I saw the way some ladies try hard not to care for it. Now that I am natural I appreciate both sides. So I answer nicely bcuz' I have been on the other side. NEVER forgetting I had a relaxer for 25 years. I just plainly say… I had enough of my hair falling out and decided that I would go with what God blessed me with and I choose not to block my blessing… And i leave it at that. This a life style change for me. I had to retrain my mind nad my way of thinking. So out of ignorance I may have asked someone if I could touch there hair. Or what made you do that. Not to be rude but because I really just didn't understand. So know that it's not personal. It's just unfamiliar terr. God bless
I usually wear alot of twist outs & I absolutely hate when people ask me " What are you gonna do with it(my hair)?" Or ask me since I'm natural, am I going to loc it!
Val.
You are a fool. I hope one day you wake up and smell your foolishness. Since you claim to have read the other comments…I won't reiterate much. You're clearly not willing to receive any knowledge. The only thing I can't leave alone is the claim that some of us are untruthful to ourselves.
I know it can be hard to imagine since you've got so much self-loathing floating around in your own head. But some people do love themselves. Some of us (black, white, asian, what have you) embrace whatever we're working with naturally. I'd say more…but I know it would COMPLETELY miss you. I hope your blog doesn't get much traffic…I'd hate for natural newbies to stumble upon it looking for help…and find hatred instead.
This page here is really hot!!! I re-read some of the comments but I still think that many people here are not truthful with themselves.
I have traveled to many countries. I don't feel the sting of being natural or the defensiveness that I see in America.
The very idea of "beauty" is about "grooming techniques" or "extremes of grooming".
It is true that the tight coils fall outside of the norm of beauty… but, even then, there does exist a norm of general beauty that we, with all the nappiness, can fall into… And it all comes down to that thing called "grooming".
The Europeans hated their hair and wore wigs. The Japanese went to extreme to pin their straight hair into curly patterns. The Indians and Hispanics gloss and blow-dry the hell outta their hair.
Some hair types have to work harder to win that prize, ours just happen to be that… On the up side, in the islands and in France, I saw intricate natural styles that have graced big magazine covers. It's when we come to the BIG COUNTRIES that many of us forget what natural hair grooming looks like.
1 out of 25 Blacks I see actually wear their locks, twists, afros, relaxed hair neatly… It makes me think that many of us want an easy pass while all other ethnicity work so hard to achieve the ideals of "beauty".
Some will not care about this idea of beauty. fine. Then don't complain. Wear your hair however it chooses to look as opposed to gentle/extreme persuasions.
Since I've learned how to accessorize my hair, I have gotten compliments from all ethnicities, including my initially horrified co-workers.
Ladies, respect is earned!!!
I think that I 100% agree with the sentiment of the person who wrote the letter… at the same time, depending on the hair texture, sometimes, what you see is the best the person could do with her hair… I was there… Unlike many I hated not being as glamorous as I looked with the weave.
Many people with natural hair… speaking of those with super tight coils similar to mine, think that their hair is pretty just because it is natural and, as such, feel unjustly proud.
The people with naturally straight hair or wavy hair, they all brush up and blow-dry in order to make their hair look pretty and healthy. They don't just hang it out and head out.
I speak to Caucasians and Hispanics. These chick blow-dry everyday to get that look! Why should we think that we shouldn't have to work to have the best beautiful hair we were meant to have.
This Curly Nikki site is a blessing to all natural curlies… and I hope that some people look at my blog the same. Most of us here were not taught how to care for this hair. When I transitioned, I wasn't ready. MY BOSS TOLD ME TO WEAR A WIG!!! I wasn't offended by that. My hair was super nappy and I knew it. I spend hundreds of dollars in salons to get it to look decent. What I had at the time was the best the hair would do… without the knowledge that I now have.
I spend hours in my hair ad it still looks nappy… until I learned how to bring the best from my hair: learning what it needs and giving it daily TLC (smoothing cuticles, spritzing).
When your hair is super nappy, the best other thing you can do is grow it. As it gets longer, just as for Nikki, you have choices in styling.
When I can deal with my hair, I wear a wig of similar texture, or pretty hair accessories or headscarves…
Just because it is natural doesn't mean it's pretty and you don't have to be fashion conscious. The whole planet across ethnicity is fashion conscious. It is nothing against us. We should not be defensive… That makes us look ignorant and snob!
this has only happened on time to me. Right after I BC'd ( 9th grade) I went to my old school's homecoming and everyone as fine with my hair no negative comments even some compliments. This one girl, who's hair is natural but she's mixed so it doesn't really have any curls just really thick and wavy. She all like " WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HIAR" I absolutely wanted to punch her in the face she was yelling it so loud. Thn all she does is keep her hair in a ponytail all year round smh. One of my friends sitting by us came to my rescue, thank God, and said " I like your hair" I thanked her very much and played off like the other girl's comment didn't matter :/. I don't really get that alot, but its annoying =!! Especially for someone my age.
Along with the 'good hair–what are you mixed with' comments, I also get the 'how does your husband feel about your hair" question. He's White. They assume he doesn't "understand" my hair or prefer it straight or weaved up. He loves my hair pretty much any way I wear it because he loves ME. I can barely keep his hands out of it when it's a wash n go day. 😮
Good post! At the end of the day-if I want to know someone's opinion, I will ask. My frustration is that people weigh in at all. Even if I am having a bad hair day-what makes people think I care to hear what they have to say about it.
I haven't received any negative comments since transitioning but in my pre-relaxer days a few people asked me what I did to my hair to make it so soft … the assumption being that black hair can't be naturally soft. [insert eyeroll]
As for the question about whether negative comments are caused by hair looking a hot mess or by natural hair hate? Perhaps it might help to consider whether one received negative comments on bad hair days, when one's hair was straight, to the same extent w/r/t frequency and nature (e.g., telling someone (s)he looks like a slave).
I am not fully natural yet but I am transitioning,my daughter is and when older women get around her and her hair is in twists, the "accuse" me of locing her hair. Dred Locs on five year olds aren't bad but why do they have to say that like I'm making her smoke crack. it also annoys me that I have to literally go into her hair and undo a twist just to show them that I'm not just to make them leave me alone. If i didn't respect my elders……
I don't like it when I hear and it makes my skin crawl, "You NEED to perm that stuff"! I want to say in response, "You NEED to stop perming yours!" But I end up saying, "No, I've been there and done that and now, I'm moving on. I LOVE MY HAIR :-)!" Also I used to be bothered by the stares, not the "I'm really listening to what you are saying and you have my undivided attention" stares, but the glares of "Oh, My God… What is she doing to her hair?!" Now, I have gotten some of those and I used to let it bother me. Now, I don't see them as negative comments anymore. Maybe they are staring because they wonder "How did she get her hair like that? Can I do that to mine? It looks really soft! I want to ask her about it, but I'm not comfortable, yet." So not everyone is thinking bad things about my hair. I just put my shoulders back, hold my head up a little higher, and smile my "Kool-Aid" grin 😀 especially when I get "How did you get your hair like that?"
I thought I'd posted another response earlier, but I guess it didn't go through.
What I went on to say, is that I don't have a problem with defining curls. I define my curls often and enjoy doing so. In truth, I can't even take credit for that "are we curl obsessed" reference in my last post, since it is one I've seen on many curly forums before.
I was only trying to suggest that just by defining "a hot mess" in that way, it is already suggesting that folks are indeed judging our natural hair for not fitting into the ideal. For instance, if someone chooses to wear their hair in an unshaped natural and they don't choose to add products that create curl definition and shine, some folks, relaxed and natural, may think her hair is a hot mess. Why? In truth, it's all just hair right? Someone's hair can be healthy without shining or even being combed…so let's just get the "I like healthy hair" stuff out of the way. So, with that said, there is obviously something that shapes beauty in the eye of the beholder…Some reason that her hair is considered a "hot mess" in particular. So, yeah, the way I see it, there's definitely still room to believe folks are judging you because you are natural, because the way I see it, that's still what's going on.
However, I think it goes without saying that it shouldn't matter. I know saying, "Just don't focus on it," doesn't help much since it's easier said than done. But, the truth is that what folks feel or think about your hair doesn't matter.
It's a fun subject to talk about though. So thanks again for posing the question @Kimmie0810. @KANISHANASHAY I've been called a runaway slave too, my hair wasn't even natural then! It's always sad to me when people use that reference jokingly and at the same time show how enslaved they are to society's norms.
Alona
Why are we giving someone's idea of what they think our hair or appearance "should" be so much thought? I know when I have taken time to do my hair and it looks AWESOME! And when I roll out of bed fluff and go and I'm looking a mess. And it's that simple. I do think sometimes because we still feel like we have to be in "defense" mood because our hair choice is still considered "out of the norm" whenever someone says something that we may not like but that's their opinion. Do I get the "Sistah Souljah's and Power to the People" yes, but so what. I know who I am. I'll be that and all the Jill Scott's and Erykah Badu's. And I'll even take the ooh your hair is nappy. Because I LOVE NAPPY HAIR!
October 27, 2010 2:04 PM
"Yemisi Odugbesan, MPA, MD said…
From a relative as we're getting ready to go out: are you going to wear your hair like that?
Ummm, no, I going to perm it while I'm driving to wherever we're going!"
OTFL…whew! This one made my friday. And to comment. I agree there are some days I look A HOT MESS (like in my profile pic..lol) and some of those time are when I get complemented the most. What makes me mad (in a good natured way) is when I spend time doing my hair and nobody says boo, then 4 days later when its growing like the blob is when I get the 'oh I like your hair'. Hey everyone has opinons, so the birds for them. Whatevs I say…
Still laughing at Yemisi Odugbesan,
October 27, 2010 2:05 PM
I would not think someone is coming off ignorant to my look if they were close to me. I know people who are close to me would not want me to look bad so they would just be looking out for me, but I definitely think that with natural hair everyday people are looking to find something wrong with it because it is still not popular and not everyone has hair like ours, so it does get dogged out more than other types of styles, but like the author of this topic I agree our hair is healthier and fuller than other women who use heat consistently, so I choose health long last beautiful hair over trend.
Wow Kelly…and your husband's comment was? Hope she has now adapted to your choice.
"What are you going to do with it?" What do you mean?! It is what it is, I don't have to DO anything to it.
***** To everyone who is bothered by unsolicited comments:
If you smell bad, should I tell you? If you have something in your teeth, should I tell you? How about if I love your hair, can I let you know? Or are they unsolicited comments and I should keep them to myself?****
C'mon, really? Are you gonna compare "you look like Bristol Palin in a monkey suit" to "you have something in your teeth"?
Seriously?
I doubt you are unable to tell the difference between your ENITRE comment, and what everyone means by unsolicited comments, so why even go there?
Anyway, I don't really have any negative comments but I do get and hate the, "is that your real hair?" or the presumtuous "i like your weave" variations and it irks my life every time.
I don't like people assuming that I cut my hair to make a statement or to get back in touch with my roots or anything. I cut my hair because I felt like it and I don't get relaxers anymore because they're bad for you and they're expensive to maintain. Who asked you to make judgments about me anyway?
Wow. It's awfully hard to follow this discussion with so many Anons…*whistles*
Kimmie, I could understand your point IF there was the same widespread expression of hair hatred for straight 'dos. Before natural hair began to get popular a grown woman commenting negatively on a stranger's/co-worker's hair would have been labelled a disrespectful, unprofessional hot mess. Sure, it's always been okay to tell a friend when her style is jacked–but you would never do it outside of personal relationships. Now, it's a freaking free for all…and the only thing that's changed is our nappy hair.
Anon 3:37
*sigh* it is pointless to even continue this debate with you, Lori, or the latte chick… I think it is funny how you concluded that I have an obvious disdain for naturals (do you have stats to support that…lol)…all because I think people should remember the way they thought and remember the comments they made before they went natural. Period. The comments that annoys curlies today are the same comments that new curlies made yesterday (and continue to make). If you have never thought that a curlie's hair looked a mess, wondered if the person was mixed, thought that a curlie's hair looks good (good hair), wondered how a curlie got their curls to pop (I see people ask this question all through this site)…then it does not apply to you. I never made an absolute statement about everyone thinking the same… I don't know what in my statement that caused the uproar but…whatever! I suggest patience and I have disdain for naturals…
I don't like for my Supervisor to discuss my hair with me at all with her undercover racist self….
I received a sideways comment(compliment in this person's opinion)today. "I am glad you did your hair." I looked at the person like what are you talking about. I replied. "My hair is done everyday." The person did not like my hair in a bun after I straightened it(not by choice another story)This week I am back to twists. I just laughed and thought oh no she didn't go there!
Interestingly enough, the days where I'm sure my hair looks a hot mess is when I tend to get random compliments from strangers. Those strangers are usually caucasian but sometimes they are other black natural women as well.
I don't get attitude with people when they ask valid questions or make statements that I would've said when I was relaxed. When someone says their hair is too nappy or asks how I got my hair the way it is, I usually help them out. Now when someone wants to be straught up rude and say things like you need a relaxer or you should do something with your hair, then I get attitude. This is more than ignorance, it's just disrespectful. What makes you think that I care what you think of my hairstyle? Why do some people have the audacity to tell you how you should look. These people just have no home training. Even when I was relaxed, I would never go up to someone and give them a rude unsolicited opinion… and I'm still in highschool.
I think we are forgetting that to a lot of people in the US at least, natural hair or curly hair worn curly and kinky is new – BRAND NEW. Historically, African textured hair has only become a cultural phenomenon and an everyday style in the last 45 years or so. Particularly African textured hair on women. Curly hair on non black women in general was not even popular for hundreds of years except for the end of the 19th century and early 20th and for a really brief time in the 1980s. So for a lot of people we are just getting used to things being different. Time heals all wounds and hopefully in a few years we'll stop hearing things like "you never needed a perm" with a silent "but I do" hanging in the air. (This just happened to me on Tuesday. I just moved on to another topic.)
Hopefully we'll get to a point where if you want straight it's ok and if you want curly it's ok.
Still, I do look forward to when different looks, including kinky, are all on the same scale. Because I am not so naive to think that they are yet in this culture. Maybe soon but not yet. We're getting there.
As for looking a hot mess – all kinky hair was considered a hot mess in the 50's so it's probably all relative. I wouldn't put too much stock in videos or pictures either because they don't always reflect what you see in person. Great question. swoodward
@Kimmie…You a trip LOL That's something my friend would do, play devils advocate. Some days we may be having a bad hair day but usually when that happens it's our close family/friends who will tell us that. When people you don't know make negative comments about our hair, it has nothing to with a bad hair day or being sensitive. THEY are being rude because they are either uncomfortable because they aren't confident enough to wear natural hair or purposely trying to be mean. What I find interesting is that if a relaxed person's hair didn't look good, it would be a bad hair day. For us naturals it's a question if we may possibly be too sensitive.
I have a friend who wears her natural and I hate it. Every style choice she wears I feel looks awful. I sometimes wonder if it's that I'm just against her wearing her hair natural b/c when she wears it straight it looks so much better to me.
The thing is, I've seen women with kinkier/nappier/whatever-you-want-to-call-it hair than hers that I find gorgeous, and that I envy myself.
I don't know what that means. But I can say that no matter what the reason is (subconscious as it may be) I think she looks terrible half/ of the time.
I introduced her to this site and she has gotten tips on how to maintain length but her hair still looks a mess (to me).
KANISHANASHAY-
You're right. It doesn't necessarily mean that. I define my curls often, add lots of shine and enjoy doing so! 🙂 I just meant that it is worth asking the question. I can't even take credit for asking it since it's something I've heard asked on natural forums before…are we curl obsessed etc. I just think that people sometimes speak about it as if it is a given. If your hair does not have defining product in it or if it is not shiny then it's a mess. If it is in a natural and not cut into a fro, it's a mess. So, I was simply questioning the notion that people might be "right" when they suggest your hair doesn't look good not because it is natural but because it is "a mess" when the way a "mess" is defined in the article is just about every characteristic of natural hair. But of course, that's just me thinking out loud is all.
Truth be told, there have been days when my hair was not looking its best (usually 1st day hair). And on those days, people rarely say anything to me. But the other day, I knew my hair was on point! Curls were banging. It was big and beautiful. I only went one place that day: to Starbucks. I caught the sister at the cash register (straight weave) looking at my hair, but she said nothing. In fact, she was kind of cool towards me, not your usually chatty Starbucks barista. I shrugged it off. Maybe she was having a bad day, but for me, it's always a good day when my hair looks good. Don't care what anyone says.
To everyone who is bothered by unsolicited comments:
If you smell bad, should I tell you? If you have something in your teeth, should I tell you? How about if I love your hair, can I let you know? Or are they unsolicited comments and I should keep them to myself?
Anon 3:18
I proved your point, eh?
Nowhere in my comments did I say that YOU were not natural. I simply asked for your stats about the comments you made about naturals and I stated that you have an obvious disdain for naturals- based on the comments you made, nothing more. The original comments that I am referring to do not include "us" , The original comments that I am referring to simply stated "naturals tend to forget . . ."
AusetAbena, I'm totally feeling your post! I happen to not be a fan of weaves & the reason is b/c I see so many bad ones! I thought the point of buying storebought hair was to ENHANCE appearance & many times that is a FAIL!! But people comment on slipped tracks & mismatched textures/colors too. Because it just looks bad. So that's where my question comes from: does our hair just look bad sometimes or do people not like it BECAUSE it's natural?
Also, I've been wondering if some naturals feel the need to make sure their hair is IMPECCABLY groomed at all times to make it more acceptable? Just like some of us feel like we HAVE to wear earrings or make-up to look feminine after the BC, do we get fussy with our hair to make sure it looks nice to not give "them" something to talk about? I spent 3 days practicing "professional" hairstyles for a job interview today. And in the end, my hair did WHATEVER it wanted to do! I had to just go with it. My interview went VERY WELL & I didn't even think about my hair. All that worry & fuss for nothing. I'm realizing that I give too much weight to what others think & that perhaps I have been overly sensitive when in fact I AM NOT MY HAIR!
I hated that when I first went natural every time this girl said hello to me she would put her fist up. I HAAAAATTTTTEDDDD that.
Anon 1:51
You just proved my point even more…do you see how your mind imagined me to be…where did you read that I was not natural? Can you provide stats the all naturals never made any of (or thought) the comments that they are hearing??? So I need stats to make an observation??? Where did you read that I was describing all naturals? I am a natural who have amired naturals and at one point thought that I could not wear my hair that way…even when I transistioned I intended to continue to wear it the same way I always have…All throughout this site, curlies ask the same questions that are being asked of them (what do you use to get your hair like that…my hair won't do that…)…you need stats??? Read through some of these comments…read through the comments made on Nikki's hair…
And also…you are mixing 2 different people in your comment…I am the one who simply stated that many of us made those comments or felt that way before we decided to go natural…
Need more proof???
HairPolitik, I feel u. I don't think hair has to be curly or defined to be beautiful. It doesn't even have to be "combed" or any particular texture or style. Just healthy & assembled in some sort of way that's flattering to the person who owns it.
I used dry b/c dry hair usually isn't healthy-looking. Even if it grows out of our head that way, we can moisturize it. I don't think God minds if we spruce up what He gave us lol.
I did a henna & DT yesterday. After I added my leave-ins I played around w/my hair a bit & was like "wow! this looks good". I took a pic to double check and it was a HOT MESS! That got me to thinking that sometimes I may not look as good as I think I do b/c I can't see myself from the same angles that other people can. Then when the topic came up on CN, I thought I'd pose the question b/c people may not really dislike the fact that my hair is natural, just that it looks crazy sometimes.
I'm really OK with my hair even when I dislike how it looks. I know it's healthy & I am working towards a goal. So I will go thru this "akward" stage & will probably have many many bad hair days to come. I had many many when I was relaxed too & my family would clown me just the same.
I see people with non-natural hair plenty of times whose hair looks a hot mess, and I see relaxed hair that looks beautiful and appears healthy. I think it is just rude to always comment on someone's hair if you don't have anything nice to say. Also, I think many naturals find it hurtful when they wear their hair curly 99 percent of the time, and then if they straighten it, the compliments start rolling in, and people convey a sense of relief that they have started straightening their hair. I know I am sensitive about my hair, but I am also confident enough to be proud of it. But an insult is an insult, and if my hair looks a hot mess, but someone wants to say something to me while others with straight hair or weave have hair looking just as or more busted than mine, then I find it odd and unnecessary.
Damn yall this got deep after I turned off the computer yesterday.
I agree with bludini1.
And to add, when my hair was looking a hot mess with a perm no one commented then, so if my hair is looking a mess now (which its not LOL), then there is still no need to comment.
For the anonymous who keep ranting and raving about "you naturals tend to forget that you were making the same negatvie comments to others before you went natural and are now all smug and lack humility" :
While I understand that you have obviously had some negative experiences which have led to your disdain for naturals, I cannot understand your complete and total generalization and belief that all naturals went natural after having not been natural for some time, begged their mothers fro perms as one point and bashed naturals when they weren't natural. Someone asked you for stats on this and you ranted at her.
Hopefully, if you are being rational, you will see from some of the comments that there are some naturals who do not match the profile you describe, AT ALL.
I, myself, have been natural for greater than 10 years, have never bashed someone else'e hairstyling choice – BEFORE or AFTER becoming natural. I never begged my mother for a perm.
I must say, I, like the person who asked you before, am really interested in hearing the details of your evidence and how you cam to your conclusions.
Thanks
Honestly I can't understand it either my hair(4c) has been natural for a year now and my sister (who is 15) said to me that she thought I permed my hair to make it 'look' natural. She actually said "didn't you perm your hair to make it look like that?" I then had to break it down to her that this is my hair and had not had a perm since October 09'. She just turned her nose up after that, its a shame what television teaches kids of today.
I've never really taken notice of negative comments directed to me because the positive have far outweighed them, but my favorite comment came from my mother-in-law and was directed at my husband, "Maybe if you lose some weight she'll grow her hair back and straighten it."
Just yesterday, one of my black male co-workers felt the need to comment on my twists that I have been rockin all week. Some days I pull them up into an x-small pony and yesterday I decided to just wear them down. This was the first time that I've ever worn my twists out at work.
So he speaks and gives me the Olympic, Black Power Fist. Then he said something to the effect of "it just is what it is today huh"? I ignored it and kept working. Funny how none of the OTHER folks at work seem to care or will keep unsolicited comments to themselves, but OUR people are more critical and want to tell you what they think.
I hate when people ask me if that's my real hair. I guess they still believe in the stereotype that black women cant have long, full hair hair (and my hair isnt THAT long – APL). I also get people using my hair as an excuse why they cant go natural, ie. "I don't have good hair like you!".
If a person is looking a hot mess, it is in no ones place to tell them. I think people feel like just becaue they have an opinion that they should say it. Somethings people can keep to themselves. Seriously, if you know you look a mess (which most do, down deep), do you really need anyone to second that emotion? That is just like someone saying "Hey your black!" These are things we already know
Maybe dry an unkempt is the look they are going for. Who knows? I just know, that if they like it, I love it.
I think that, unless asked directly for an opinion or being in a position to keep another person from harm, one should only offer compliments. Only. Strictly. There is simply no reason to offer a negative opinion about someone's hair, or dress, or person, outside of obvious things like not allowing a friend to go onstage with their zipper down or answering truthfully when your opinion is sought.
Even if I do look a hot mess, please don't tell me. Chances are I already know and am dealing with it privately.
@HairPolitik I don't think that wanting your curls to appear defined & wanting shine is necessarily brainwashing residue… no matter whether you're relaxed or not you're going to want your hair to appear polished and look nice. Those are just styling options.
For instance, just because you're relaxed doesn't mean you always want your hair to appear stock straight & flat ironed- which is the goal of being relaxed: having straight hair. So just because our hair is "nappy" doesn't mean that we should shy away from curl definition because it's "brainwashing". I think that's just maybe taking it a little too far.
On a side note, though. I've heard everything in the book: from "your hair looks like a nest!" to "you look like an escaped slave." I'm really happy that we were all able to share because it shows me I'm not alone! I've gotten hate on my best hair days AND my worst. It just all comes with the territory…
I haven't had any negative comments the 3 years I have been natural. But I take the approach of this (as well as this being my motto)
(((("I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW I LOOK"))))).
My hair in not good or bad, it's hair. And if I'm looking a hot mess, its because I didn't do or feel the need to do my hair that day. Or a style I tried just didn't hit. But most days I take care to make sure my hair is moisturized and done even if the style is a simple bun. Being natural doesn't mean you stop caring about your appearance. So I think in most cases I've heard of, people just make crazy comments out of ignorance. BUT!!! There are some cases where we are just looking a hot mess and we need to just admit and move on. I mean, we had bad hair days as permies. Why not as a natural?
I don't feel like Im being to sensitive about the negative comments made about my hair because they usually are never about whether or not my hair is looking "unkempt" or "dry". They usually have to do with the fact that I would have the audacity to wear my hair any other way but straight. That being said the negative remarks I get are few and far between, and usually don't happen unless Im in my hometown. Most people at my college really like my hair and are always curious as to how Im able to change up my style so often.
Now do I have bad hair days sure I do, but if I don't feel confident in my hair's appearance before I leave the room I wont leave until Im satisfied. Bump what everyone else thinks if I don't like it then I aint rollin with it.
"Hot mess" is in the eye of the beholder in my opinion.
Just yesterday somebody posted on FB: "if your kid has that NAPPY hair, keep it cut short!"
That doesn't mean a kid with "nappy hair" is truly a hot mess, it just means SHE thinks it's a hot mess.
Majority of the time, comments toward natural hair alude to "when are you going to straighten it?"
It has nothing to do with oversensitivity but everything to do with 'you do you and I'll do me.'
Some of you do realize that you caused a CurlyNikki.com comments section to look like a youtube comments section don't you? Ugh.
Anyway…to go off what a couple of people said above, I'm kind of getting annoyed with the "soul sista" comments from two of my coworkers. It was cute/funny before, but some people really need to learn how to let a joke die. – Domino
Thanks for the response.
I understand what you mean about wondering whether it's all in your head or not. When I was relaxed, I found that I often over-exaggerated the number of naturals that were looking down on me for not being "black enough". The reality is, I was deflecting those feelings onto them (although this was certainly true on a number of occasions).
As a natural, I think the same may be true. But I would say to a lesser extent. We have so deeply internalized others' perception of what beauty is that we sometimes assume that people are viewing us negatively because we don't fit that ideal. The difference between the natural and relaxed conflict is that in this case, let's be real, we are going against the grain. We are going against the standard of what beauty is supposed to be. So I think there is probably some validity to the idea that the "hate" we receive from other folks, and possibly our unconscious selves, is rooted in brainwashing.
For instance, you mentioned that the hair may look dry and is uncombed, and therefore is a "hot mess". I would ask, why does your hair have to be combed or even fit through a comb? Why does your hair have to shine if that is not what it is meant to do? I think we have to attack the underlying frames. Even if we are natural, there is still definitely some brainwashing residue left…i.e. the need to define curls, shine, etc and not just look "nappy" or uncombed.
Just me playing devil's advocate right back. 🙂
@Anonymous 11:20 AM
All I have to say is AMEN! I am light-skinned with freckles and light brown eyes, and while my sister has hair like our mom (3c if I had to guess), I got my dad's 4a/b coils. And I love it because it's mine.
I've also seen pictures on FB, on natural hair sites, and videos on Youtube of people "showing off" their hair and I look and wonder why they would put that up on the internet for people to see, lol.
I think it's all in the eye of the beholder. If it's my family or a close friend- I don't care what they say. they can crack jokes just like they did if i looked a mess when I was relaxed. But anyone else- STEP OFF! And that's about anything on my person. Some people are just too in another person's "stuff". They feel like they don't have to know you. But in my opinion- they DO. I like people who mind their business. More people should.
"why don't you straighten your hair?" " you have such nice hair. you should enjoy it (by getting a relaxer)" "don't you want a promotion?" seriously?! i had to practice self control and keep my mouth shut otherwise it would not have been pretty!
Chelz… I FEEL you! Comments from fam are the worst! That's my story. My dad after I got my BC: "What happened to you? What's wrong with your hair?" Baaaaybaaaayyy let me tell you, I'm not one for disrespect and very few things get me riled up, but that ranks at the top. Why would you say something like that to me? My sister: “I like it better now than at first.” Um, not that your unsolicited opinion mattered to me anyway…please do no further sharing in the future! So, I feel the love from others more than fam.
Someone else came up behind me and started tugging through my hair talking bout: “Make sure you put plenty of moisturizer in it. You don’t want ot to be dry.” Okay, thank you. I got this. I am NOT about to be going around looking like Soul Glo, just because that’s what you got going on.
Most other people are very supportive, fascinated even. One question a friend asked me was: Do you ever shake your hair like Beyonce did in Goldmember and your hair fro out? HA! I'm into all things hilarious and that was amusing to me. A major upside to my hair is all the fabulous accessories I have acquired.
LMAO @ Chelz "..the unfortunate one in this scenario is YOU sweetie" .. THIS story gave me LIFE, I swear!
Before I get into my annoying hair comment, I just want to say that its so wonderful that we women of color come in so many shades with and so many different hair types. Its so amazing and beautiful. With that being said, I hate that people have the preconceived notion that if you are of the lighter variety, you should have curly or wavy hair flowing down your back. This was my experience. I love my fro to death! However, back when I was going natural, I'd get comments like "aren't you light skinned? why isnt your hair curly? shouldn't you have good hair?"… and so on, and it was very discouraging! I'd even get these comments from my own mother (which is funny because the same perm that she refuses to let go of is destroying her hair now, but that's another story). It's so important to just let go of what ignorant people say about your hair. Going natural is a journey that is all about YOU! It's learning to love YOU for who you really are. Allow the negative comments to make you (NOT break you) on this journey.
A close relative of mine has made this comment several times in the past: "You want me to pay for you to get your hair done?" No I don't want you to pay for me to get my hair done!!! My hair is this way because I this is the way I want it, not because I'm broke (even though I am, hee hee.
Then she says, "Oh, so you're going natural now. I can get my stylist to press it out for you."
I just ignore and keep on going.
Oh…I forgot this one from a girl at work (white, overweight, non-attractive Italian girl, at that. Nothing wrong with those type of women, but ones with nasty attitudes? UGH!)
About a week after my LC (little chop…lol) I had a modified faux-hawk at work and was gettin compliments left and right and being compared to Rihanna (?) apparently because it was 'fierce'. Said unfortunate in the face co-worker crinkled her nose when she saw me and said 'U look like u stuck your finger in a socket. Is it professional to wear your hair like that?' My HR boss walked past right then and made the Rihanna comment and how good my hair looked on me. I smiled with a smug look and told the ugly chick 'My hair grows out of my head like this. The unfortunate one in this scenario is YOU sweetie. But if you want, I can probably hook u up n help ur hair stop looking like a stringy, dirty hot mess. Just let me know when ur ready, boo!' and walked away. She hasn't spoken to me since. Won't even make eye contact. *My crowning moment*
OMG, I've gotten comments like "Thats a cute weave", "Where you buy your hair from?", and the most recent "Whats the name of that wig?".I'm like wow I cant grow this type of hair? But its funnier to see their faces when I tell them its mine, with no added help. Those are the comments that are starting to annoy me. Everyday some walks up to me and tell me how beautiful my hair is and to ask for tips, now those questions I don't mind I will happily answer those type of questions.
Me (30 years old): *in mirror 2 strand twisting my hair in my at my house*
Mom: *walks in blanks stare at my head* Ill pay for you get get your hair done.
Me: Please get out my room.
Mom: No. Your hair looks so good when its straight. Ima call you an appointment.
Me: ME AND YOU CANT HAVE HAIR CONVERSATIONS ANYMORE. I DONE TOLD YOU!!!
Mom: Exxxcccusuueee me! I was just staying.
Me: Sorry for yelling. But please – STOP IT!
Mary in Md said.
My husband felt that caring for my hair in its natural state was taking me way too much time. He didn't realized that the press and curl I was wearing before was a two-day affair as opposed to several hours in one day. In part because, I was doing part of it late at night while he was asleep. But that's a post for another day. Nevertheless, he says to me "Just face it, baby. You have bad hair." I replied "Hum.. Please describe bad hair for me. Do any of your sisters have hair? Did your mother have bad hair? Do any of your daughters have bad hair? (We don't have children together.)" To which he replied, "No." Then, I said "You'll have to describe bad hair for me because I've never seen it either." You doesn't dare say much else to me about hair. The nerve of him. But, he's still my sweetie. LOL!
Wow…I'd be interested in seeing this in poll format. And the number-1 most annoying unsolicited comment, cited by x% of CN readers, is…
I have certifiably nappy hair so I've never gotten the "you've got good hair so you can do that" comment. Just about every other comment I've gotten, though…but not recently, I'm happy to say. The vast majority of black women I come into contact with are already natural and if they aren't they usually have more important things to worry about than how I'M wearing MY hair. That may also come with being older, though.
Recently a white man I worked with implied that he liked my TWA better than the BAA I was wearing last year. This is the same man who would drop little hints about hairbrushing. I've basically ignored him…but I may have to remind him at some point that if it weren't for the "luck" of the genetic draw his HALF-BLACK niece would have the same hair I have. *smh*
Also, as was pointed out to me recently: Just because my long hair doesn't swing or blow in the wind doesn't mean I don't get to grow it out just like everybody else…in fact if I could grow it out and have a thick luscious BAA without a lot of drama, I most certainly would…
"My hair won't do like yours, so that's why I couldn't go natural. Your hair is good and mine isn't." THAT comment truly annoys me. I simply respond by saying, "You know what, it's GOOD that we HAVE hair, and that's what "good" hair is to me. Work with what you have and you'd be surprised by how much healthier your natural tresses can be versus the latter."
i get the i cant go natural, you got 'good hair', i would go natural if mine was like yours comments and texturizer/curly perm/jheri curl accusations all the time…
the other day i was in walmart & this guy tried to talked to me & i told him my name & he was like where is that from, and i told him it was nigerian, and he looked at my hair & was like "u mixed??????" im like yeah…with black and african! lol
and then at my schools african student association meeting we were got on the topic of natural vs. processed hair, & what do guys prefer, and all the guys acted like they never saw natural hair before and asked for an example, and all the girls were like "nappy, afros,& locs blah blah blah" & the guys were like "oh nah…." & me as the only natural in the room was i have natural hair & they were like "oooh ok thats cool, if its like hers i like it" smh
having been "natural" for over 10 years & I've heard a good deal of them; less these days…but the famous ones I've gotten are as follows and they've been from older women at my church…
"no man is going to like you with your hair like that"
"you looked prettier before"
"your hair looks nasty"
im newly natural so i haven't really gotten many bad comments yet..i mostly get people giving me weird looks and whispering to the people that they're with..it doesnt bother me tho..i don't think people necessarily forget how they felt before they went natural. i think sometimes when a person decides to go natural, they' re so conditioned to hear negativity that they take it that way , even when a person wasn't trying to be(even tho most of the time they are being negative)..just my opinion
I've always gotten nice comments from strangers, it's mostly my family and some friends that make fun of me.
Family calls me Macy Grey, Lion King, Palm Tree, Mop, you name it, they got it already down.
One friend always says I need to something about my nappy a** hair and put a perm on it. She says it in a joking manner, but I get offended and chalk it up to her kind of hating on me because I'm wearing my hair how I like it, not how society says it should be.
I love your hair, but I could never do it myself.
I have been natural for twelve plus years. So, I have gotten every comment in the book and then some. The one that stands out to me the most was when my former boss, Ms. Toni said that I looked like a poodle with my hair! Yes, she was so serious. It was sad and funny at the same time because Ms. Toni was so clueless. This women still had a maid and you don't have to be Einstein to figure out what color her maid was. The assistant manager was like no, her is curly! Ms. Toni wasn't buying it. So, from then on I have dubbed my hair the poodle. I still get a good laugh out of it. Ms. Toni where you at girl?
I also get told I don't have good hair like you. Or I couldn't wear my hair like that because it's extra African. What, are you kidding me? If that were true, why on Earth was I getting a curl (I'm a late seventies baby) at one point and then a relaxer there after? There was a time many moons ago that I thought my hair was bad too. I was so wrong, I think it's pretty awesome! There is a whole lot of misinformation going around out there. If the questions are respectful, I try my best to answer. If not, they get major side eye and a smile. They are not going to steal my joy!
Brandy B.
Lori:
I think it is funny how you said I chose to reprimand you (and others) when you are doing the same thing about people who comment on your hair???huh???and I did not reprimand…I will state my position again…I think curlies should remember how they felt before they decided to go natural…you are assuming my position when I have clearly stated it several times…
What are my issues Daily Lattes??? I will repeat it again…My position is that people are forgetting the comments they made before they decided to go natural…that's it…you went off on a tangent and decided to explain to me why you went natural and why you didn't go natural…
I think it is interesting when people get mad at other people for not liking their hair when they are still caught in the cycle of conviencing themselves that they like their own hair…
@12:24
It is called… reading comprehension. My "points" are not everywhere, they are actually simply stated. Just because you don't agree, doesn't mean that they are complicated. – DailyLattes
Well, I'm not omniscient so I'd have no idea which anonymous posts you made. If you made some of the comments posted, then yes, I was addressing you. Because again, you didn't answer Nikki's question…you chose to reprimand the rest of us. That is all I was saying. Carry on.
I was describing MY hair type, with it having a high porosity and not responding to dyes with resilience. My hair breaks off with dyes, and is fine and not coarse or strong. YOUR issues with my fine, dense, coily hair came out in your comments. If I could dye my hair without consequence, I would, but I can't. Hence… why I described my hair type, and how it is different from a large part of my family. There are 4a's who can dye away, and those of us (especially if you spend a lot of time in chlorine/salt water) who can't. I can't.
My family's activities are why I got a perm earlier than some family members, but also why I was taught how to wash, condition, comb, and style my own hair at a young age. I couldn't just wash, rinse, and shake like my relatives. You're bringing your own issues in this. I already stated why I don't like the expectations. – DailyLattes
Daily Lattes…I don't have a clue what you are talking about??? Your points are everywhere…I cannot mention men because this isba site created by a woman???huh??? You are not hearing what I am trying to say because you are intent on defending your point…if you bwant to be unapproachable and shon peopleb who ask you questions about your hair…then rock out! Then when people at your job stop talking to you, I wonder if you will blam it on them not able to accept your hair…
Lori:
I guess I am responsible for all the Anon comments and Kimmie's comment…I am #4, 6, and 7…lol…and smh…
…my mom asking me if I went to church with my hair looking "rough", mind you it was pinned up and not exposed to the elements. Recently my aunt offered to press my hair, and a co-worker asked me about my choice of hairstyles, again it was pinned up. To the co-worker I replied that I needed to protect my hair, and gave her a short synopsis on the dangers of relaxers.
@ StHuby… I don't advocate violence, but this is too funny; would have loved to see his reaction. Does he talk to you?
@kimmie0810…you do raise a valid point about messy hair. I don't feel comfortable with my hair in twist or brai outs, and rather pin / roll it up overnight to set it. This style lasts for a few days and stays neat.
Natural in NYC
*about swimming multiple times a week* – DailyLattes
@ Anon 11:03
What does your comment have to do with mine? Or men for that matter? Did I say not anything swimming multiple times a week (or should I specifically state that my swimming happens in the morning before work, which if you are a regular swimmer & gym goer is not an un-regular assumption?). I stated in a comment that I am aware of the legal issues in natural hair, which is why I DON'T judge, I just don't appreciate the expectation that at anytime, anywhere, I should be expected to divulge personal details b/c someone else may benefit. Natural Black women should not have to "carry" some extra burden for those who feel unsure. We're already bucking the mainstream. Why is it an expectation to "carry" the rest?
It is not like men wanting dreads or to grow out their hair are trying to touch my hair or asking personal quesitons during lunch meetings when they are passing by my table, in an elevator, or out at the movies while I'm on a date.
This site is CurlyNikki, not CurlyNicholas, so let's not throw out imaginary scenarios here. – DailyLattes
Anonymous/11:38PM – I think the posts I'm speaking of are too long to post in one response on here. I will try anyway. My response about answering the given question and not telling the rest of us how we should feel is because of these specific comments:
1) Anonymous said…October 27, 2010 1:44 PM
I think a lot of the questions about what you use in your hair, whether you will straighten,
2) Anonymous said…October 27, 2010
Also, your decision to go natural is a personal choice, and you know that it is not going to be the norm (particularly in places like work). What gets me is when NATURALS want to act like they don't understand that their hair is different.
3) Anonymous said…October 27, 2010
Reading all the above comments I'd like to say a few things. 1)Yes, all of you ladies have a right to feel bothered by people always commmenting on your hair. 2) I've gotten those comments too, after locking, and after cutting them off. BUT: Sometimes a question is just a question and a statement is just a statement.
4) Anonymous said…
Thank you so much anonymous 1:55…You nailed it!!! What happened to all the humbleness? Most people who are upset with the comments that are being made towards them, made those same comments before they decided to go natural
5) kimmie0810 said…
At the risk of getting my ass kicked all up & through here, I want to ask a "devil's advocate" type of question: are some of us overly sensitive? And I am including myself.
6) Anonymous said…
Anon 7:27
With all due respect…What???
What kind of evidence are you looking for?
I am bothered by all these new naturals who are smug now that they decided to go natural. Here is a question for you…were you always natural and how did you respond to naturals 5 years ago?
7) Anonymous said…
Clearly you needed that moment Daily Lattes…I don't have a clue what you are talking/venting about. I never said you are not entitled to your opinion or that you need to justify your decision to anyone. My only point is that it seems like people forgot how they felt before they decided to go natural. Many of us made those same comments that now bothers and annoys us…how could we have forgotten the process and how we made it to where we are at…
Lori…
What are you talking about??? What question did I not answer??? I am attacking??? Really??? I will state my position again…I just think people forgot how they felt before they decided to go natural…Give me a min to create an account and I will gladly join your discussion…
Thus, you didn't answer the original question. You chose to attack. That was my point. I've posted a new thread in the forum if you want to discuss it further. :~}
Daily Lattes…
People have been fired because of dress attire, men for not keeping their hair cut and face groomed, and people (all races) for coloring their hair with vibrant colors…there has been a standard/uniform in the work place…do you think it is okay for a man in the corporate world to have his hair flowing down his back? How aboutbig geled styles? I have trouble with people who can only see one side of the story…you could have been natural and had your hair straighten for your 3 year interview process without perm…excuses…
"What are you mixed with?" or "Are you spanish"… black people can have curly hair too, and don't get me started with "good hair". I despise that term because good hair is healthy hair, it's not curly/wavy. "why don't you straighten your hair?" also ticks me off because the whole point of my transition is to get rid of the damage relaxers caused.
why don't ya'll shut up and answer the question. Darn women! If I wanted all of the jibbering and jabbering then I would turn on Jerry Springer.
I hate when non-Black people call me "sista" when I wear my afro then ask if they can touch it. when I do a braid out, someone will ask me "how do you get the curls in your hair"..if it is someone that I don't like then I say "magic" if I like the person I generally think it is a geniune question, then I give a high level answer.
I think it is funny how you can express your opinion but I am wrong for mine…I am responding to the question also…so I guess you are a Mother figure also because you are telling me to adjust my attitude to get on board with intolerance…I love hypocracy…I never told anyone how to feel…all I asked was for people to remember how they were before thy went natural…
Uh, no 9:00 PM,
It had nothing to do with being "comfortable", it had everything to do with the fact that black women had been FIRED over having their hair natural and in certain styles. It would be cute if you looked up lawsuits with natural hair and employment and then decided to make a decision.
I'm simply tired of the fact that "SOME" black women seem to think that natural black women owe them a hair care regimen by virtue of seeing them in public spaces, and then getting upset that either the regimen doesn't involve monkey poop with a dance around a 3AM wiccan fire, or simply aren't in an a "personal space appropriate" moment to go into detailed answers of the question.
From your comment about my PERSONAL family member's hair types, I can see how you would be approaching folks with an "issue" on display that they may not want to deal with publicly, especially in a work-space environment. The majority of people in MY FAMILY who have 3C hair have hair strands that are thicker, coarser, and looser than my fine 4A coily strands, hence… why I had a relaxer before many of my relatives before middle school. My hair was too fine and coily to just "roll with it" like most of my relatives. I swam a lot, had tangles, and my braids took a long time to dry, they felt cold and wet on my elementary schooled scalp while my cousins could shake and go like my white/latina friends. My hair, was not "good hair" in terms of most/"all" of the people that I knew growing up who weren't white or Asian.
And if 4A's with fine coily strands want to ask me my routine, I will make an effort to post on NC more often, b/c I have experience with growth with that hair type and I'm physically active. I've gone with shorter hair for a minute, but that's mostly b/c I can grow it out in a minute. For ME, someone getting serious while I'm at work is NOT cute, and I would (and so would some other naturals who work in professional environments) love to NOT be expected to fall on the sword at work for someone else's comfort. Uh… it IS a recession out there, if ya'll didn't know. – DailyLattes
CurlyNikki posted a direct question and most of us answered it in the spirit of what her blog is all about. So all of the Mother figures who want to come and tell us how we should adjust our attitudes and be humble and not care about how people address our hair need to scroll back up to the ORIGINAL POST by Nikki and see that we were responding as indicated.
If you responded as indicated you would either have contributed your awkward hair comments or said, "No one has ever commented on my hair in a negative manner."
Better yet, join us in the FORUM (there's a link at the top of the page) and let's have an energetic debate there about it! That would be fun.
Just sayin'.
You know something that is interesting…I have heard most of those comments when I was relaxed also (good hair, and I couldn't wear my hair like that)…so maybe it has nothing to do with being natural…
1) Oh your hair is so Afrocentric
2) You have no hair anymore (I have a TWA)
3) any opinion someone gives me on how they liked my hair other ways…GET OVER IT–IT'S THE WAY IT IS NOW. I am living with it happily so guess what-U WILL TOO!
PEOPLE PLEASE GET A LIFE!
it annoys me when ppl think that i am starting dreads and call me rasta
Clearly you needed that moment Daily Lattes…I don't have a clue what you are talking/venting about. I never said you are not entitled to your opinion or that you need to justify your decision to anyone. My only point is that it seems like people forgot how they felt before they decided to go natural. Many of us made those same comments that now bothers and annoys us…how could we have forgotten the process and how we made it to where we are at…
You delayed going natural because of job interviews? It seems like you are still not comfortable with your 4A hair…(you described 3C with words like thick, strong, and sturdy and 4A as fine and less vibrant like you described 3C) so maybe that is the issue and not the people who ask questions because they don't know…
I was GRATEFUL and EXCITED about CurlyNikki starting this blog, but she certainly didn't OWE me her time unpaid for and uncompensated. Last time I checked, she was married, a mother, and held down a career, so this for me is a pure benefit. Likewise, another black woman giving a quick response doesn't mean that she doesn't care… but you are intruding on her PERSONAL time asking about a PERSONAL subject, and everyone doesn't have to feel obligated to put their business out on front street to make someone else more confident or fend off anger management issues re: disbelief on the power of conditioner and water.
Likewise, maybe ya'll need to layoff on newly smug natural black women. Maybe, they are working through some things, and need that extra space (like questioning black women). – DailyLattes.
@ 7:39 Anon,
All offense intended… what patience do I OWE you? I should be more clear in this, I have family members and friends who NEVER have relaxed. I have those who went "natural" in the early and mid-90's. Honestly, the only reason why I wasn't natural 7 years ago instead of 4 was b/c of job interviews. So I don't judge in terms of women who are relaxed. I "get" the issues. But a lot of women who are relaxed and are "thinking" of going natural, or have "issues" with the natural women tend to ask their questions at THE MOST UNNECESSARY times. And then persist in their questions as if you've lied to them. Not all, but enough to warrant a fast-growing post. And for those natural women that you want to "have patience", how much flack do you realize that some of them get, even in their own households? Can't those women get a break and a smile, a compliment? Why do you know their story, and what do they owe you?
I got some flack from family members b/c while most have 3C strong thick sturdy hair, I have very fine 4 A bursts of coils. So, in MY FAMILY, I don't have "good hair". Can I not be accosted on the way to meetings by someone who doesn't believe me when I say google "natural hair?". Can people start asking, "Oh, is there a website that shows me about natural hair?" (if that is the real question, to gain information). -DailyLattes TBC…
A friend of mine told me a co-worker asked her if she was allergic to perms :/
The women that asked her was wearing a wig with relaxer underneath.
Most annoying comment: "Wow! Your hair is really growing!!!"
Uh….yes, when you don't saturate it with chemicals every 2 or 3 months – IT GROWS!!!!!
Go figure! lol!!!!!
Oh, one didn't go through…
I personally am about two kinds of over it when I have black women PUBLICLY asking/accosting/accusing me of "doing" something to my hair. Maybe I'm out to lunch with my boss. Maybe I'm out with my date. Maybe I just don't feel like having a personal conversation with a COMPLETE STRANGER about my hair. And don't get me started on the product questions, or the doubts about what you say, or the anger when you make your answer brief b/c I dunno, I'm in an elevator on my way to a MEETING with a co-worker. If someone says I just use conditioner, or you should check out the natural websites, they aren't being rude. It is simply a statement of the fact that you in this day and age, can look it up yourself and go to sites that WILL give you detailed information.
For those who AREN'T natural, ya'll need to stop tripping about how many boundaries some folks overstep, jump past, leap over, and blow up because YOU are curious or envious about someone else's hair type. There is Google, YouTube, and common sense in figuring out your natural hair questions. Any of those options would lead you to a hair board if you were actually interested. But black women who are simply out in public, and moving along do not OWE ANYONE their valuable time b/c someone else is "unsure" about going natural.
And that's all I have to say, about that. -DailyLattes
I personally am about two kinds of over it when I have black women PUBLICLY asking/accosting/accusing me of "doing" something to my hair. Maybe I'm out to lunch with my boss. Maybe I'm out with my date. Maybe I just don't feel like having a personal conversation with a COMPLETE STRANGER about my hair. And don't get me started on the product questions, or the doubts about what you say, or the anger when you make your answer brief b/c I dunno, I'm in an elevator on my way to a MEETING with a co-worker. If someone says I just use conditioner, or you should check out the natural websites, they aren't being rude. It is simply a statement of the fact that you in this day and age, can look it up yourself and go to sites that WILL give you detailed information.
For those who AREN'T natural, ya'll need to stop tripping about how many boundaries some folks overstep, jump past, leap over, and blow up because YOU are curious or envious about someone else's hair type. There is Google, YouTube, and common sense in figuring out your natural hair questions. Any of those options would lead you to a hair board if you were actually interested. But black women who are simply out in public, and moving along do not OWE ANYONE their valuable time b/c someone else is "unsure" about going natural. – DailyLattes tbc…
Not every black woman/girl in this country wasn't instructed as to how to take care of her hair type. And it isn't your PERSONAL responsibility to instruct if you were. My family started to teach us how to take care of our hair in first grade onwards (and yes, I went to second grade a few times looking crazy while I figured out how to make a straight part). But that's the point, I was a little kid and so mistakes could be learned early. In my family, the only reason why I got a perm before middle school was because I swam ALL the time, and I complained how long my plaits would take to dry. A perm and a blow dryer took care of that.
When I decided to become natural, it wasn't due to a "deeper meaning". I'd already had a natural roommate who didn't know just about anything in how to take care of her hair (and she had been natural for years!), and I simply couldn't find a decent stylist. She wasn't natural because she had a "deeper sense of self", she was natural b/c her hair broke off in perms, and natural styles would hold the occasional braids and weaves without causing hair loss. After constantly giving her suggestions (which she always argued me against, but then ran out and bought the products), I decided to cut off my own hair b/c if I was able to get her to a roller set without paying money, why was a going to the beauty shop? Once I found out about co-washing and swimming, I was happy as could be. The.End. – DailyLattes tbc…
who ever commented at 1:44PM & 1:45PM, and all of the other ladies reading this board… no, you DON'T HAVE to answer anyone's questions about your hair! You don't HAVE to answer anyone's questions about your weight, why should you have to take on the burdens of someone else's issues about your hair? – Daily Lattes tbc…
The comment that I get, mostly from family is, "What are you going to do with your hair?" o_O REALLY???
To who ever commented at 1:44PM & 1:45PM, and all of the other ladies reading this board… no, you DON'T HAVE to answer anyone's questions about your hair! You don't HAVE to answer anyone's questions about your weight, why should you have to take on the burdens of someone else's issues about your hair?
Not every black woman/girl in this country wasn't instructed as to how to take care of her hair type. And it isn't your PERSONAL responsibility to instruct if you were. My family started to teach us how to take care of our hair in first grade onwards (and yes, I went to second grade a few times looking crazy while I figured out how to make a straight part). But that's the point, I was a little kid and so mistakes could be learned early. In my family, the only reason why I got a perm before middle school was because I swam ALL the time, and I complained how long my plaits would take to dry. A perm and a blow dryer took care of that.
When I decided to become natural, it wasn't due to a "deeper meaning". I'd already had a natural roommate who didn't know just about anything in how to take care of her hair (and she had been natural for years!), and I simply couldn't find a decent stylist. She wasn't natural because she had a "deeper sense of self", she was natural b/c her hair broke off in perms, and natural styles would hold the occasional braids and weaves without causing hair loss. After constantly giving her suggestions (which she always argued me against, but then ran out and bought the products), I decided to cut off my own hair b/c if I was able to get her to a roller set without paying money, why was a going to the beauty shop? Once I found out about co-washing and swimming, I was happy as could be. The.End.
I personally am about two kinds of over it when I have black women PUBLICLY asking/accosting/accusing me of "doing" something to my hair. Maybe I'm out to lunch with my boss. Maybe I'm out with my date. Maybe I just don't feel like having a personal conversation with a COMPLETE STRANGER about my hair. And don't get me started on the product questions, or the doubts about what you say, or the anger when you make your answer brief b/c I dunno, I'm in an elevator on my way to a MEETING with a co-worker. If someone says I just use conditioner, or you should check out the natural websites, they aren't being rude. It is simply a statement of the fact that you in this day and age, can look it up yourself and go to sites that WILL give you detailed information.
For those who AREN'T natural, ya'll need to stop tripping about how many boundaries some folks overstep, jump past, leap over, and blow up because YOU are curious or envious about someone else's hair type. There is Google, YouTube, and common sense in figuring out your natural hair questions. Any of those options would lead you to a hair board if you were actually interested. But black women who are simply out in public, and moving along do not OWE ANYONE their valuable time b/c someone else is "unsure" about going natural.
Andrea I totally feel u! I went thru HELL when I lived in south FL w/people insisting I was hispanic & refusing to speak to me in english. I was even accused of "denying" my heritage. Some of my friends & acquiantances think it's funny to call me a mexican & question my parentage.
It didn't really bother me until my 9yr old cousin asked me "Aunt & Uncle are black, so why do u look like that?". She's now developing a "complex" about hair. And says she wants long hair like "mexican people". That hurts my heart.
I'm African American(black) with parents from north and south Carolina with roots there as far as we can trace back. I constantly get people asking me if I'm from the West Indies or Dominican( I had coworkers think i was Dominican for a year). I had a coworker recently question my linage when I told him where I was from. He told me " I need to look into my heritage cause that can't be right" as he look at my hair. I don't understand why people think that there is some special linage that you have to be in to have natural hair and it look nice. It call taking care of your hair!! And if one more person walks up to me speaking Spanish and I tell them i'm black i don't speak Spanish and they give me the side eye ya'll are going to hear about me on the news.
Anon 7:27
With all due respect…What???
What kind of evidence are you looking for?
I am bothered by all these new naturals who are smug now that they decided to go natural. Here is a question for you…were you always natural and how did you respond to naturals 5 years ago? Did you ever use the term "good hair"? Did you ever think you would not look good with natural hair? It seems like everyone forgot how they felt before they decided to go natural…be patient with those who are not ready yet…
Anonymous 6:57—Trust me when I say that I know the majority of the negative comments ARE because people can't seem to grasp the concept of unprocessed hair. But in all fairness, I was called some of those names u mentioned & more when I was relaxed & had a bad hair day. My aunt & Granny were forever asking me "didn't u just go to the salon? And that's what u asked for"? b/c I have never liked my hair to look "done". I never did gels or sprays or sculpted hairdos. I always got a wrap or a very loose rollerset so that my hair would be soft & flowy. To them, that wasn't "done".
We're going to heart negative unsolicited comments for the rest of our lives about any and everything from appearance to lifestyle choices to parenting skills. When I hear these things, I look at the source & the situation to figure out if the person saying these things is a wackadoo or if I'm projecting something unfavorable. I can't always blame brainwashing against straight long hair everytime someone doesn't like my hair b/c I KNOW I look a HOT MESS sometimes. And I don't mind looking a hot mess from time to time. I'm always clean & I know that I can pull a "look" together in a matter of minutes.
Perhaps the best response to questioning about whether one is natural or not is just a simple "No and I am not interested in talking about my hair. Next?" Sometimes, it just isnt worht getting into it.
Anonymous 6:20
Where did you get your stats about naturals having made the same comments to other naturals before they decided to go natural and the fact that most people did not have the courage to go natural before it became popular and are now condescending? I'm not trying to be funny, but when you throw out info like that, I think it should be backed up with some evidence. Thanks
Kimmie
It COULD be that it an unattractive/unstyled hair issue, but some of the comments revealed above are not stating that the offending party said that. If someone with straight/relaxed/weaved hair is having a bad hair day, they arent called a slave, Angela Davis, Kizzy, gorrila outfit, etc. They are simply told that they are having a bad hair day. Yes, it IS possible that some of us, at times are overly sensitive. The reaction to comments suffered from some of the individuals above, IMHO, do not reflect an overly sensitive response or attitude.
At the risk of getting my ass kicked all up & through here, I want to ask a "devil's advocate" type of question: are some of us overly sensitive? And I am including myself.
By overly sensitive, I mean are we assuming that people are making negative comments about our hair b/c it's natural, when it could just be b/c it looks a hot mess? I have seen some naturals (myself included) walking around looking like who did it & WHY! It's a person's right to look however they want & we all have bad hair days, but must we always conclude that people are downing the hair b/c it's natural when it could just be an unattractive style (or unstyled)?
I get comments that I only went natural b/c I have "good" hair. Honestly, people don't notice the "natural" part b/c my hair looks the same as when I had a relaxer, for the most part. I used to wash n go all the time & I still had curls. People come at me crazy about how short it is though. Asking if I'm a lesbian now & making "afro" comments like afros are a bad thing.
"Oh your hair is really growing out, and looks so full and healthy. When are you going to get a relaxer? or When are you going to straigten it? or So, what do you plan on doing with it now?"
I also hat it when people assume that I am trying to make a political statement.
I hate hearing, "You should try getting a texturizer. My daughter got one and she loves it." And, "you have that "good" stuff. That's why you can be natural." And, "are you sure you don't relaxe your edges." LAWD HAVE MERCY! Why can't I be born like this?
Thank you so much anonymous 1:55…You nailed it!!!
What happened to all the humbleness? Most people who are upset with the comments that are being made towards them, made those same comments before they decided to go natural…Most people did not have the courage to go natural before it became popular…now you want to be condesending…Please check your attitudes!
one of my fave male (black) co-workers looked me dead in my face and said "what is this look? you look like a slave. like an extra from The Color Purple pt 2". i threw my blackberry at him and it smashed his monitor (and my phone at the same time) oh well. it was worth it.
@Anonymous October 27, 2010 4:16 PM: Jim Crow was not a victory for us.
I absolutely hate when a female says your hair is soo beautiful i could never wear my hair like that.Or when a guy say that other girls cant wear their hair like mine. I immediately get offended cause its like whats so special about me that others cant be natural as well.
your hair is gonna look so nice when its relaxed – it takes all of my energy not to lose my mind.
Chelz…I feel you! My mom made a comment about my "wiry" hair, and it was quite hurtful. Especially because at that point I was still a bit insecure about my decision to wear my hair curly, and was still building a regimen and trying to get it healthy.
Its like I knew I would be faced with opposition and surprise, but I didn't think that family would be the main ones with something to say about it.
I really can't stand when other people try to tell you about your hair, what's wrong with it, what would look good on you, what you need to do differently, etc. Mind your business, and focus all of that concern on your hair, please Besides, NO ONE ASKED YOU! LOL *end rant*
I went from very long straight hair to a medium sized afro and i hate when people ask me am i going to grow it out, some girl said to me "ohh are you going to grow your hair out cuz i miss your long hair it was so pretty" and i had to tell her its my hair why dont you worry about growing yours out cause im loving my fro get over yourself
one day i wore my hair in an afro without braiding my hair the night before and my mom said i looked like the black guys in White Shadow. that was a little (okay a LOT before my time)but when she showed me i as like UGH!!!!
The most common thing people and family say to me is "Are you going to press it?" and "What happened to all of your hair?"
I used to have midback hair and semi-BC'd back in June 2010. Now my hair is just below my ear and growing just fine. But because people can't really notice the length change they always have a comment about why I don't press it or wear certain styles anymore. I just smile and say that "My hair is natural now and I don't plan on trying to press it to make it look acceptable, I have to get used to the way it is now and come up with new styles." I would say that my sisters and my mom are the worst about making comments.
I posted a picture of myself with my hair pulled up in a bun (it had a nice wave pattern and there weren't pieces of hair all over the place)the purpose of the pic was not even to showcase my hair but to showcase my growing baby bump. Everyone had such great comments about the way I looked except for my sister who publicly stated "You need to do something with your hair,it is so short and it used to be so pretty, etc." It went on and on about the way I used to look. My sis is natural too so I was suprised at first when she said all this, but she straightens her hair regularly and ends up having to cut often because of damage from it.
I didn't back down and responded back saying that "My hair has been this way for over 4 months now and I love it just the way it is, remember I am still transitioning and don't really care how LONG it is, as long as it is healthy hair."
i hate when people who DO NOT know me step up to me when I'm wearing a first day twist out and say:
"WOW. I didn't think your hair was SOOO short"
it is actually longer than your weave!!!lol
My mom aggravated me with a comment (actually a FEW comments) recently. I transitioned for over a year (wearing various weaves and just never relaxing my hair underneath) and maybe a month ago cut the remaining permed ends off. My mom had been natural for at least a year or two back in 07-08 but went back to relaxing because 'the ppl on my job went to looking at me crazy'.
But she fully supported me in my decision to wear my natural hair. But recently I decided I wanted kinky twists as a protective style n because I think they're cute. Long story short, I bought a new car first and money was tight so the twists would have to wait.
My mom: I'll pay for the hair style…I want u to look cute in ur new car and you'll feel better once your hair is pretty.
Me: You don't think my hair is pretty now?
Mom: (long pause) It would be nicer if you twist it.
Me: Thanks but no thanks. I'll twist it when I'm good and ready!
Dad: U got some nappy a*s hair, u know that?
Me: My hair is friggin amazing and I'm so glad it grows out of my head this awesome!
My grandma: Why is ur hair so wiry?
Me: What does wiry mean?
Grandma: It looks like wire! U should do sumthin with it!
Me: Good. I'll faux-hawk it right now!
Comments from my family who I thought would love and support me and uplift me no matter what hurt much worse that ignorant strangers who don't me. Still gotta get used to some aspects of not conforming to society's standards (sorry so long-winded…had to get that out!)
as an african I always get cold-blooded african-style insults from family and friends..
1. "you look like a villager/bushwoman"
2. " you look like a madman" [sometimes men escape from the asylum and their hair gets very long and unkempt. note: they arent dangerous at all and people give them food and money to survive]
(I didn't read all of the comments above so forgive me if I'm repeating something.) I hate when people think the "Good Hair" documentary by Chris Rock has ANYTHING at all to do with why I recently went natural. I've attempted to go natural 4 different times in my life, beginning at age 12. (I'm in my mid 30s now and have been natural for a year.) This was not jumping on a "natural bandwagon." I finally followed through on something I've wanted to do for DECADES. Chris Rock had NOTHING to do with it!
I dislike when people ask me to straighten me hair. And then ask me why i wear it curly. Guys, seriously, my hair grows this way. No I don't want straight hair, and no I don't ever plan on getting a relaxer. Thanks… now please but out.
Another comment that gets under my skin is people asking me when am I going to get my hair done by a stylist or suggesting someone they know that can "fix my hair". My hair is not broken. I like it this way. Sure some days it looks better than others. But i do not put my two cents into their business..
All of these curls have really straightened out my mind.
Whenever I straighten it, which is now pretty rare, people always give more positive feedback, even though my hair looks great natural!
"Why would somebody want to wear their hair like that?" My answer is "Why wouldn't I?"
Roddrea, THAT comment is rather annoying. I feel you. I responded to that with,
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I liked it the 'other' other way, you know, the way I was born with. So, I decided to go back to that way. If I decide to go to an other other other way, I will consult you first."
That should sufficiently confuse them. LOL
"I like it, but I liked it better the other way"
thank you unsolicited opinion -_-
Here are a few of the ones that make me take a moment, breathe and smile:
-You don't wear your hair like that to work do you? What does your boss say?
-Your hair was so pretty when it was straight
-I could never spend as much time as you taking care of my hair
-(A new phenomenon at my job-The brazilian blowout) You should get the brazilian blowout then your hair will be nice and straight.
We're all aware of the ignorance out there. That doesn't mean it can't annoy us!
When folks act like they've never seen natural before and there are more and more commercials and shows showcasing natural hair. When will this foolishness be over? I hope it doesn't take as long as from slavery to Jim Crow.
"so your never going to perm your hair again?
-No
"NEVER? I thought this was a phase you was going through"
stranger in Publix: Ah, excuse me, is your hair natural?
Me: yes it is.
Stranger: you sure there is nothing in it?
me: right–it's natural.
stranger: so you don't have anything in it?
me: No.
stranger: giving me the side eye like she thought I had a kiddie kit or something.
Black power….hey sister….
I had an intern in my office ask me yesterday, "how do you make your hair curl like that?" She had also been surprised when another coworker told her my hair was natural. I simply told our intern (very nice woman) that, yes my hair is naturally curly and I wash, condition, and use a little gel and oil to finish. She stated, "it's so beautiful…you've inspired me!" I'm looking forward to seeing what she decides to do with her hair over the next few months. Sometimes people are inspired by our natural hair – no harm intended.
i like your hair now BUT it was soo pretty before (long & relax) -______-
Clearly my hair different then before & i won't be goin back to the relax part so..
Why even compliment then turn around & insult me? Sometimes ,just a little it, kills my self esteem =/
How about my best friend saying to me "enough already, in a couple of months perm your hair!" Excuse me!!!! I was like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I like my hair!" She said it as if my hair was getting on her nerves. Beyotch, I am the one who gotta deal with it everyday, not you! I love my hair and have never complained to her about it so I don't know why she felt the need to seem so aggravated by it. SMDH
Response to "When are you gonna get a relaxer?" :
I didnt know I was uptight.
LOL
Alot of the comments I get are out of ignorance. "Did you cut your hair?" (it was the same length yesterday, just a different style) "Can I touch it?" "How come you stopped wearing it straight?" etc…. I may be one of a handfull of blacks in the area, let alone naturals, so I just answer and keep stepping. I have heard the "I can't go natural, but it looks good on you" comments, from my own mother even. We have the same grade of hair- 4a/b! But it's mentality and it's a shame we have to be "eduicated" about our own hair. Maybe they just need that one person to say "yes you can." I don't have a problem being that.
"your hair must be high maintenance"
and at my family reunion this summer several male relatives kept saying I had locks. Nothing wrong with having locks but I clearly didn't.
My older aunt always says that I need a relaxer and she doesn't understand why her granddaughter and I won't straighten our hair anymore. She has prettiest head of short soft fro-like loose curls ever. Of ALL people, why wouldn't she understand? But hey. Maybe she think that's an acceptable look for an older woman, but young girls should straighten their hair to be cute and pretty. I take no offense. I love her. It's just wild!
"This man raised his fist in the grocery store and shouted down the aisle "Soul Sista!" Who does that?"
Anonymous 3:07, this happens to me all the time.lol.
I hate the comment: " So when you going back to a perm" or "Are you gonna keep it like that? My grandma loves to say: "When you gonna get it straight." NEVER!!!! IS MY REPLY AND I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH
@anonymous 2:57pm, THANK YOU!!! You hit the nail right on the head! It depends on the tone of the question/comment that determines my response. If someone is nicely asking me about my hair, I will gladly tell them what I do to achieve my style, or why I opted to let go of the relaxer. But when people question me about my hair in a harsh tone, or in a way that tells me that they dislike my decision, I will have no problem letting that person know that I am offended. When I relaxed my hair and I came across a woman with natural hair, I would compliment her and keep it moving. I'll compliment a relaxed style too. Pretty is pretty. If I don't like it, I'll keep my comment to myself because I don't have the right to offer my opinion on someone else's hair unless they ask me for it. It's all about giving respect to others.
Response to " I could never go natural":
Sure you can, then you will be more relaxed than you could ever imagine.
LOL
Anonymous at 1:44 and 2:00 is speaking the TRUTH! I go to a small HBCU and out of about 900 students their are only six naturals. I get the occasional "offensive" questions but I choose to answer them straight up and informatively. I find that people respect you more when you answer them without being snide and it can also cause them to question themselves and their outlooks. Before I went natural those questions that I get now were questions that I was asking other people. At one point I didnt know anything about natural hair and didnt understand why anyone would want to do that O_o(the thought makes me LOL now) but now when and if I catch myself feeling a bit offended I stop and I tell myself that this person is just curious and depending on my answer or how informative i was to them could plant a new seed in their thinking.
You should have told him, "Bruh man, what it be like? You left your platforms at home? LOL That would shut his **s up.
This man raised his fist in the grocery store and shouted down the aisle "Soul Sista!" Who does that?
What really grinds my gears is when a relaxed person says, "I could never go natural." Smh…
(in a condescending tone) Oh so your natural? We'll have to talk about this later. It takes all the might in me to not say, "Actually we won't! There's nothing to discuss! Now if you wanna talk about that chemical that is literally seeping into your skull we can do that!" But I digress…lol
I agree with anonymous 1:55pm – I really don't think all people mean to be hateful when asking you questions. I was out last night with some ladies from my meet up and a few of them are natural and STILL asked questions of "how" and saying "good hair and can I touch it" and believe it or not they were all 100% natural I'm the only one transitioning (8 mths). Lets pick our battles and not waste energy on the comments that are sincerly from a place of curiousity! But if they are being hateful . . . all bets are OFF – get'em! LOL
You're Not Alone Anonymous 12:15
I Get The "How Do You Get Your Hair To Curl Like That" All The Time And I Tell Them I Washed It And The Secret Ingredient Is Water!! Point Blank I'm A Real Smart Ass Sometimes, LOL
When People Tell Me "If I Had Good Hair Like You I Would Wear My Hair Natural" I Almost Wanna Slap(Literally A Nice Hard Slap)Some Self Love Into Them Every time!
A natural buddy of mine told me that one of her elderly white female clients asked her how long it took her to "get all of those teeny curls in her hair" and "what tool did she use to do it." She patiently explained to her that it was her natural hair and it grows that way. The woman was so thrilled and stated that she wished her hair would act like that, because she loves curls and her hair wont curl without lots of assistance. My friend and I just shook our heads (in a good way) at how sweetly innocent she was and how we, as women, often admire something which is very different from waht we have. I think our response depends on the tone and attitude in which the question is asked. A nasty tone and offensive question will possibly evoke a bad response. so, for all of those commenters who are acting hoighty toity about naturals "not being humble", we are people too. We have feelings and limits about how people respond to us and our hair. Yes, it may not be that curly hair is "in demand" or is "not the norm" in some environments, but that is no reason to accept ANY kind of question and attitude with humility and restraint.
From other races: "your hair is so curly, did you get a perm!" A: YEAH! Just because i don't feel like explaining to them. I think they really think our hair grows out straight. Shame.
Jacinta, girl! Yes!!! I'd forgotten about that one. I've read so many "I don't have good hair like you" comments that I totally forgot about this flip side! Especially since I stopped caring lol The woman who used to relax my hair, who is a very nice woman who is very good at styling and caring for hair, commented that I "didn't have that kind of hair" when I told her that I wanted to stop getting relaxers. She said "I mean you know you would have an afro, right?" I think that part of that was that she always wanted to be straight up with me so that I knew what I was getting into. When I got my first relaxer she looked with that serious face and said "Now you know you're gonna have to take GOOD care of this, right?" So this was someone I trusted whose opinion I respected, and I seriously thought twice about stopping the relaxers after her comment. But thankfully, I stopped anyway!
I really hate when people say "your hair is too wild and unprofessional, why don't you relax it"… I've heard this so many times from my sister (always) and managers. Ugh, I'm a free spirt and my hair does not define my ability to be professional. I usually say whatever and keep it moving. my hair is awesome and unruly, it makes me memorable
I get both negative and positive comments about my hair all the time. It's not a major concern for me anymore because I know the reason I decided to go natural. I don't want a potentially dangerous chemical in my head affecting my health in some unknown way. Also, I'm at a place in my life where I don't care about others’ opinions. They are not paying my bills or providing food/shelter for me.
If they happen to like your hair, they will just find some other reason give you bad feedback like…your body type, skin color, ethnicity, status, career, etc. MISERY LOVES COMPANY!!! DON’T PARTAKE IN THEIR PITY PARTY!
The comment that I hate comes from a lot of people that loved me with straight hair and are just not feeling the natural…..they say "So you really sticking with the natural thing?" I just want to scream YESSSSSSSS everytime! It's my hair!
This guy I was dating said:
"What do you plan on doing with THAT tomorrow?"hmmm….so I guess I cant wear my hair in its natural state to work.
A conversation a guy that I dated and his bf were having:
Her- "I think I saw your girl at the store yesterday?"
Him- "Aww ok"
Her- "she has curly hair right?(she usually saw me with my hair straight)
Him-"I guess you can say that."
Soooo I guess he didnt consider my hair to be curly because it is not silky and tame…but it is definitely curly and big.
The comment that grates on my nerves the MOST is "Your hair isn't 'Black' enough to wear that natural style."
I'm Black. If my hair isn't "Black" enough for a certain hairstyle, then what does that make me??
The fact that a fellow natural lady said it was even more disheartening. SMH.
Mine is "wow your hair has grown a lot, what are you planning on doing with it?"
Hey, I'm doing "it" now! lol
I hate the so what are you gonna do with your hair now question. Ive been getting this alot lately I'm like imma let it grow what else would I do lol
I hate the comments:
– What are you going to do with it?
– Is that all your hair?
Especially when it comes from my mom! She makes it seem like not having a perm or texturizer is wrong and I hate it. Im the only natural in the house.
"Why did you cut off all that pretty hair?" is one I get A LOT.
A co-worker once said to me, "Girl, I don't know why you cut all that pretty hair off. I could NEVER go natural. I love my straight hair." I replied, "What do you care?!" I guess this caught her off guard because she looked at me in a weird way, then repeated her statement. I replied, "Why do you wear weaves and ponytails all the time? Do I question why you relax your hair!". Needless to say, we don't talk anymore. I just don't like when people question me about what I do with my hair. So if anyone else asks me about my natural hair, I'll calmly reply, "Because it's my hair and I can do what I want to do with it!"
My friends are very supportive, and love that I am going natural. But I absolutely cringe when they say, "I can't do that, I GOT THAT BACK-TO-AFRICA HAIR". All I can do is give them a fake grim, and wonder how such educated black women can be so close minded regarding their own beauty.
I want to Knock. Instantly when they frown their face up.
@Yemisi Odugbesan, MPA, MD: LOL LOL! That's the funniest reply i've heard all day! I'll have to remember that one! Lol!
I have to concur with a a previous commenter, I can't say that I can really get upset by the comments described here (well, except for the people that ask whether you combed your hair because that's just plain rudenss). I have thought or said the same things before educating myself about natural hair. I too would look at people with natural hair and think, "that could never be me" or "my hair is not the type that would look good like that". I was also mystified by the abundant curls. Could my hair really look like that? I thought to myself.
My point is that all of these assumptions and opinions came from ignorance. Now I am more educated about hair, but I can't get too annoyed by people saying/thining the same things that I once said/thought. All I can do is answer questions as calmly and nicely as I can and hope that I have passed on the knowledge that I ave gained throughout this process and who knows, maybe some of these women will think twice about their own hair. Not to say that we should always have to teach others, but for me, it works much better than getting annoyed. In the end I truly beleive that many black women just honestly don't know anything else other than relaxing their hair. I am getting the big chop this friday (10/29) and I fully expect negative feedback from family members, but I am hoping to handle it with as much grace as I can muster. I'll let you all know how that goes, LOL!
I HATE IT WHEN….
Someone touches my hair, WITHOUT ASKING..
Then says.. why ur hair wet, or why ur hair so oily, or what u have in your hair..
excuse my language
BUT B**** NO ONE ASKED YOU to TOUCH MY HEAD!!!
UH that irks my SOUL!
I have a co-worker that feels the need to constantly give me an "updates" on my hair. LITERALLY just on Monday she says, "OOOOOHHH your hair is getting REEEEALLY nappy now! You go girl! You determined to get your head nappy!" On the outside I just nod and smile but on the inside….its a WHOLELOTTA "WHAT THE F's!!!"
How ignorant is that?!?! Especially since she has a natural brush cut!
From a relative as we're getting ready to go out: are you going to wear your hair like that?
Ummm, no, I going to perm it while I'm driving to wherever we're going!
Reading all the above comments I'd like to say a few things. 1)Yes, all of you ladies have a right to feel bothered by people always commmenting on your hair. 2) I've gotten those comments too, after locking, and after cutting them off.
BUT: Sometimes a question is just a question and a statement is just a statement. Some woman don't know what their un-manipulated hair looks like. So seeing yours and seeing you rock it is something to be like "Whoa is that real?" For a lot of us we were in this stage at one time too. Window shopping for natural hair.
TRUE: Some comments are nasty but still try not to be mad that's their perogative. (the above gorilla comment, the comb your hair comments… kinda hurts but Whatev! to each his own)
MOST IMPORTANTLY: Don't let these "unsolicited comments" block you from helping out a curious woman (or dude). You never know when your "Yes this is all mine" "No, no more perms for me" or "I style it myself but it's naturally this curly" can help someone make a decision towards a healthier lifestyle.
All I'm saying is ignorance, yes, is a rampant illness, but your mad as hell sneer is not the proper medicine. Smile educate and keep on stepping. Being huffy helps no one!
Oh yes. I hear it every morning when I wake up and my mother sees my hair or from my boys when I change the styles. My sister is always telling me to run a little bit of relaxer through it. I keep telling her that it defeats the purpose of transitioning into natural hair. It's like why would I want to straighten it "a little". I'll take compliments and pass on criticism.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
I bc'd a few weeks ago and I've been asked "so what are you going to do with your hair now?" I guess the best way to tell them is to show them how many ways I can style my natural hair.
Also, your decision to go natural is a personal choice, and you know that it is not going to be the norm (particularly in places like work). What gets me is when NATURALS want to act like they don't understand that their hair is different. You don't have to play dumb like you don't know that some people have a preference for straight looks and you don't understand what's so different about how you wear your hair. You don't have to put on the act when someone asks you "how you get your hair to look like that". You know exactly what they mean. Where are the humble naturals who don't mind random relaxed girls asking about their hair and how they "did that"? Stop being so pressed to be eclectic that you treat your fellow women who WANT to be more informed like mindless, hopelessly ignorant people. A lot of you were BEGGIN' mommy for that relaxer when you were little and got your touch ups ON TIME! And if you never had a relaxer, then obviously you see some merit in that and shouldn't be offended people who have an honest interest to know about why you do what you do.
I think a lot of the questions about what you use in your hair, whether you will straighten, etc and the comments about good hair are really sort of like saying "I like your hair. I wonder if mine could do that. I never thought it could before." I don't think that those remarks are meant to be hurtful or critical. Sometimes people are obviously trying to tell you that they are uncomfortable with your hair and that you should change it to make them feel better. Don't get upset over that. That's them lashing out their own issues. If anything stay pleasant, positive, and comfortable in your own skin because you won't help them by being as negative as they are and appearing all hot and bothered and "radical".
I hate when people say , you got that kind of hair that you can do that!!!!, I'm like do what….
Lori,
I'm there with you on the Angela Davis comments! LOL I have been told that, more than once. I've started responding by growling like a panther and saying, "Yeah, so watch out. I might get all militant on you and blow this place up!" That usually evokes a big laugh and a comment like, "OK, I know I'm being ridiculous, but your hair IS sexy." ???!!! So, Angela Davis is powerful AND sexy now, eh? Some folk are just plain crazy,have secret fetishes about getting beat up (and loved) by a natural woman. You gotta love it and laugh. I'm having so much fun with my hair- been natural for 10+ yrs and still hasnt gotten boring. My teenaged nephew looked at my hair one morning, laughed and said, "Your hair is just weird and wild, but in a good way!." He started to grow out his fro and wants us to take a pic together when his gets big enough. Now, that is the BEST!!
I cant stand when people seem speechless at the fact yes I can wash and put conditioner in my hair and YES, it will curl up!
or people ask did I get a curly perm…seriously!?
sometime you just gotta laugh…
HAHAHAHAHAHA at anonymous135
soooo true
did you cut your hair? NO NO NO NO
When my 92 year old grandmother asks me and all my cousins "Why do you pay people to mess up your hair like that?" (when we get two-strand twists) I laugh and say, "Grandma, you wear your hair curly too!!" She likes our hair long and straight… PERIOD!
1)So when are you getting a relaxer? I'm not. This is my hair. Deal with it.
2)Who does your hair? UHMMMM.. I do.. and you can do it too if you try.
And the classic.. This is coming from co-workers who see me EVERYDAY.. from a 3-day twist out Friday to curly wash-N-go Monday, someone always ALWAYS hits me with this one.
3)Did you cut it? Nope.. I washed it..
Person: How did you get your hair to curl like that?
Me: I washed it and put in a leave in conditioner.
Person: (blank face)
Me: Yes I'm dark skin with curly hair!!!
I can relate to some of the comments already made. And I can tell you that I have heard it all since I stopped perming my hair three years ago. There is the statement I could never wear my hair like that and it seems like it would take too much time to do and the question-why don't you perm your it would look so pretty? Rolls eyes… so what are you trying to say I look hideous with my natural hair.
So I have finally reached the point where I can do Twist's and actually pin my hair up. The two questions that I have been getting recently is;
Is all that your hair? YES!
So you don't have hair added? NO!
Then they want to touch my hair. REALLY!
I can DEFINITELY relate to the I can't go natural because stories….but also What are you going to DO with it? Whenever I wear my hair out…that seems to be an emerging theme…as in Would you please put that bush away or try to "do" something with it"!
I use to effin hate it when people would call me Macy Gray. No offense, but I don't look like her nor can I sing. I REALLY hate that people say it "looks good on me" or that I "have the face for it." But I will continue to hold my head up high no matter what people say. 🙂
"if i had hair like yours, i'd go natural"
really?
my typical response: "how would you know what your real hair texture looks like?"
Them: "OOh girl…I couldn't do that/go natural/be brave enough to do that with my hair."
Me: o_O "Brave…really?"
Oh I have had several comments from folks who wish their hair could look as good as mine….
There are a few that I really hate:
(1) Girl, I cant believe you cut all of your hair off…..umm it does grow back and yes its mine…
(2) Oh you going natural huh? Its just a phase it wont last long, you will be straightening your hair soon….
(3) What you do to make your hair curl up like that?
(4) What, you trying to bring the jheri curl back?
But the one that I hate most of all is….
I like your hair better straight! Oh yes, they have the nerve to tell me what they like. I simply say, I dont give a d@mn what you like. I live for me and not you. You can miss me with that mess!
Sometimes, I just wanna scream….but I just chalk their ignorance up to HATIN…and I keep it moving. They are hating because they wish they had the courage, the confidence, and the consistency to rock Natural Hair!!!
"Hey, Angela Davis!" Angela Davis had an awesome afro. However, somehow saying this to me serves to connect my choice to wear my natural hair in ANY state to a political or social stance, as opposed to it just being my choice.
Why not say, "Hey, Jill Scott!" or "Hey, Tracy Ross!" With SO MANY women wearing their hair in its natural curly state, why is my hair automatically reminiscent of the Civil Rights Movement? Sometimes I feel I am in a civil rights movement…for curly/kinky haired people to be able to just wear their hair and be themselves without having to drag around someone else's baggage.
My mom's called me Kizzy on several occasions. In jest I believe. A male friend of my recently told me to "just loc it". Thankfully my other natural bestie was with me to educate him on why that was none of his damn business.
The "what are you going to do with it?" question bugs the hell out of me too.
Wow, yes I've experienced the comments listed above! My theory is that people are ignorant! LOL Wearing our hair naturally sometimes makes others uncomfortable because we are revealing ourselves naturally while others aren't ready to do that for what ever reason. It's their hang up, not mine. When someone tries to say something annoying or negative about my hair (which is rarely). I tell them that I love my hair and my opinion is what matters. I then go on to say that I advise them to keep their negative comments to themselves. The same way they feel it necessary to tell me about my hair, I can find it just as necessary to talk about them. I also let them know that they should only give their opinion when they are being asked for it. Usually they have nothing more to say because they realize there is much about them I don't like and it's at the tip of my tongue to express it to them :).
Its a tie between "oh you got that good hair" and "you would look so much prettier with your hair straight". Oh and a new one that my granny just hit me with "you shouldn't go around with your hair like that all the time"
NO ONE understands the power of the Shrink Monster except for other naturals so I hate when people say “You should keep your hair cut like that”…HELLO the BC was not a “hair cut” it was a way to rid myself of the relaxed ends which means I have no plans to keep my hair “cut”. And the sad part is my hair is longer than most of the people who say that!
My favorite is "so, you're finally getting the hang of this natural hair thing huh?" As if to your hair has been looking like crap before but you are doing better now. No, it's called wearing it in different styles! Just cause you don't like it a particular way doesn't mean I didn't intend for it to look like that!
"Your hair would be long if you got a perm." Well, I won't. What else do you suggest?
oh, and another one: Natural hair just doesn't look good on everyone (what??) it looks good on you. mmmm, still brainwashed and I always respond that I've seen a lot of black women of all shape with natural hair and they all look beautiful to me. So, not sure what they mean.
When are you going to straighten your hair? When people say this I want to burn them with a hot comb.
did you plat your hair yourself? A: yes. you should keep it like that all the time.
NickyzKinky, my mouth is still hanging open about that gorilla suit comment. OMG, I'm sending you a hug. I was once told I looked like a little slave girl, and that people spent years trying to keep their hair from looking like mine. Some people just don't know. Bles their hearts.
I hate when I'm wearing twists and someone excitedly states, "Oh, you started dreading/locking, huh!?!" like they've FINALLY figured out wth I'm doing w/my hair! I also hate that when I get it straightened for a trim, someone usually comments that my hair looks better that way or that I should "keep it that way". I wear it straight as long as possible after a trim to get my money's worth, not because it looks better! I actually had a male co-worker tell me that natural hair doesn't look good on everyone and he thinks I look more like myself w/straight hair!
I hate to hear two things:
1. Are those curls real? – As if I had time to sit around and fabricate curls.
2. You have that spanish in you so your hair is good natural. SERIOUSLY????
I hate when I take all night doing my hair and I feel so great about how it turns out, then a friend asks if I ever been to a salon to "get my hair done?" Bleh! I told her, I don't trust them with curly hair and all they want to do is put heat on it to straighten it.
I hate the comment "now that your hair has grown back what are you going to do with it" or "why did you cut off all that pretty hair"…i think my hair is pretty now!
I hate it when people say "oh you got good hair, so you can go natural" or they say "are you still doing the natural thing" ugh!
I have gotten the "Are you ever going to perm your hair?" but recently one day as I was walking about the house with my hair free, my mother told me that my hair looked like the hair on the gorilla suit that Bristol Palin wore during one of her dancing with the stars performances. Needless to say I was a little offended by that comment but I manage to rally my spirits.
"When you gonna straighten your hair"
-from people I don't know
-from my 4th graders
I've heard most of the comments already mentioned. The one that annoys me the most is, "I couldn't wear my hair like, but it looks good on you." or "You are brave" hmmm BRAVE?! to wear my hair that way it grows out of my head?
The "how did you get your hair to do that" comment bothers me more than any other. It's just a shame that so many black women have no idea what natural hair looks like.
I hate the "good hair" comments as well…always bothered me since I was a kid, I always thought hair was just hair…wat the heck makes it good??? smh
I hate when ppl ask me, "So when are you going to straighten your hair?" Why do I have to wear it str8?
I cant stand the "why did you cut off all that pretty hair"? Uugh that one drives me insane!
Almost forgot with the trim i am getting it straightned just so he can cut the minimal amount i want trimmed but it will be curly again in less than a week i tend to miss my curls.
I totally agree with Bee Michelle I hear the exact same thing from my mom's friends who are also my sister's god parents and it is the most annoying thing ever. I am getting a trim soon and they were like "finally getting your hair done" excuse me???? MY HAIR IS DONE EVERYDAY!!! Just because i choose to do a twist out or a bun and it is not relaxed or straightened does not mean it is not done. I guess they would rather my hair be breaking off bit by bit and getting thinner everyday with a relaxer like hers. MY HAIR MY CHOICE.
I haven't had any b.s. comments yet, but I have my Side Eye, Caustic Tongue and Snarl primed for if/when they occur.
"You can do that because you have that good grade of hair."
I hate when I've decided to wear my hair out & curly & someone asks "So when are you gonna do your hair?" Or when I change it up and someone says "I'm glad you DID something to your head.." Excuse you! I dont mind when ppl ask what I do to it to get it curly or if it's weave, they're just curious. I just dont like the rude comments about how it looks. Or how I'd look better with weave -__-
I hate when people say "Are you ever going to staighten your hair again?" It's not so much the question but the reaction when I say "Never." They act as though is abnormal to not want straight hair. It dosen't happen too often though so I try not to let it get to me.
Agree with Anonymous 12:15…."How do you get your hair to curl like that" or "What texturizer do you use, how long do you leave it on"!
All of the above have been said to me and its more silly than hurtful. I think its just a black woman thing. Hair is so important to us and we love to investigate other black women's hair. We try to figure out if a woman is natural, or if that really is all her hair.
I have experienced all of the comments listed above as well as my own family asking what statement am i trying to make. There's is no statement. How come I can't wear my hair the way God gave it to me?? My sister asked if this means I will now be wearing dreads and getting all "obsessed with natural stuff". Well, if I decide to wear locs that would be my decision. I just dont see the big deal. Every morning millions of men and women wake up and wear their natural hair. Asian, white, hispanic, etc etc. Why is it so hard to swallow when a black woman does it??
So I transitioned for about 10 months and did the BC 5 months ago. Since then everyone asks "So what exactly are you going to do with your hair now?" They expect me to press it, braid it, or dread it. When I tell them I plan to wear my hair big and curly and embrace my fro I get the cross-eyed looks.
I hate the "is that your real hair" comment or "wow your hair is so short today it looks like a cotton ball.Can I touch it?" A lady at my job, actually grabbed a handful of my hair. I must have looked at her like she had two heads as I told her to keep her hands out my hair. Yall know I wanted to do more, but I need my insurance.
The worst comment came from my grandma who said to me after a salon visit, "I thought you went to get your hair done. Do you like it?" She had a few other things to say, but you get what I'm point. The compliments I get from my man and my little peanut cancel the negative comments though.
"You must have good hair"….uggggh so annoying!
Tammy G
I hate the term "Nappy hair"!
I have been confused when people ask me how I get my hair to "curl up like that." I am not sure how to answer that besides saying that's how is grows out of my head. I am sorry relaxers have clouded some people's minds so much that they really believe that their natural hair is nothing my wool.
When people say "So you are NEVER going to relax your hair again!".. with a look of horror! I mean come on, its MY hair I was born with!
I dont like when they say ilk. I just did a BC in september so my hair is cut like a boy and as soon as my lil cousin who is a boy 10 years old said ilk to me. I think its a shame how young kids are caught up in what socioty wants us to look like. I will make sure i teach my kids that everybody is different and to accept them for who they are
It reall buggs the hell out of me when people say "oh i couldn't wear my hair like that, you have good hair so thats why it works for you…" I just exhale and pray for them because CLEARLY they are still brainwashed. So sad…..
What really annoys me is when someone compliments me on my hair and adds, "You must be mixed" or You have good hair". What is good hair!?
I get a lot of women feeling the need to explain their hair choices to me. I walk into the room or they see my photos on facebook and they feel the need to explain how they could never go natural and why.
I absolutely HATE to hear…"Do you REALLY like your hair like that?!"……***with SNARL on face***…ummmm YES i LOVE how my hair looks and so does my man!!!!