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Curly Nikki

Feeling a Bit Defeatist- Natural Hair

By January 27th, 202136 Comments

Feeling a Bit Defeatist- Natural Hair
Yvette writes:

I recently just took out my protective style (kinky twists), and was super excited to start doing my hair again. Despite being ready to go all out and do a Twist-n-Curl, I chose to do a french braid and keep that in for the week. This was one part laziness and another realizing that because my hair had been put up for so long, it needed some extra care which I had not provided. There are also those times when I look at my hair and get this dreaded feeling that I’m about to be in for a long haul attempting to clean, condition and style. But then I remember that I wanted to be natural to make my hair healthier and grow it. My two-part question is, do you ever have the moments when you feel a bit defeatist? And who or what provides you with the motivation to stay natural?

Thanks for the input ladies 🙂


  • LBell says:

    @Anon 12/5 4:04 pm: I would LOVE to be able to trust a stylist like you with my hair but there just aren't enough of you around…and I'm pretty sure you know this! I have had too many bad experiences with stylists who took advantage of my ignorance. Now if that shoe doesn't fit YOU, then don't worry about it…but the reason why the online natural hair community exists is because the offline black hair industry (in which I include stylists and salons) has not done nearly enough to help black women learn about having truly healthy hair. And I will continue to encourage women to learn enough about their hair so that they're never again at the mercy of yet another clueless stylist claiming to be an "expert" when they're NOT. If that's bashing, then so be it…

  • Anonymous says:

    Nev er have I considered going back to the relaxer. My hair is too gorgeous and it's just not worth it to ruin it for straight hair. But as my hair gets longer (about 7-8 inches right now), the wash days can be daunting and the twisting and detangling is becoming a longer and longer process. It can be a bit tiring, but rather than thinking of caring for my hair as a chore,I think of it as pampering. It's kinda like a spa day. I'll do a facial mask, paint my toes while deep conditioning, ect. It's actually fun at times. And days like today when my hair is big fluffy and super soft (despite the harsh cold air) I find all my work worth it 🙂 Hang in there ladies!

  • skittledittle11 says:

    I went natural more so for principle rather than hair health or aesthetic. Becoming natural was a way of telling myself to accept myself as I am. My hair has become somewhat of a calling card for me. People know me by my hair lol. So staying natural is easy because of that.

  • Kitty says:

    My motivation is remembering all the tediousness of salons and the creamy crack! I hated going for touch up and never getting my hair the way I wanted it. I have more control as a natural and that control is what keeps me motivated. :3

  • Anonymous says:

    I am in my ninth month of my second transition attempt. Last time I lasted 6 months but my hair started falling out and my mother talked me into getting a relaxer. I regretted it as soon as I did it. The second time around seems harder for some reason and I really truly hate wash day. Sometimes I don't even feel like doing or looking at my hair; so I put it in a pony and shove a hat on my head. I know eventually it will all be worth while once I BC i just have to weather through this for a couple more months. I just imagine how wonderful my hair will look once this is all over and that keeps me going.

  • Jmeka09 says:

    My sister and I both are transitioning togeather and we were just talking about how we are going to handle the 4 months of new growth on our head. We encourgage each other and share week to week success stories of how our hair is doing. This has helped me tremendously.

  • Sherri says:

    i feel defeated very briefly. Usually only during my weekly detangling. My hair is only about 7 inches, so i think I've just graduated from TWA to BAA. Either way, I'm not big into manipulation. So I usually wear a wng with curl activator gel and leave in. I think simplicity is the name of the game for my patience level. I just can't fathom spending hours every week twisting and rolling etc. If i had to do all that work, I'd probably be frustrated as well.

  • K.C. says:

    I have begin to feel the same way, especially from looking at magazines, people in public, etc. with long straight hair (even if it is a weave/wig). As Siera J. commented CurlyNikki and YouTube are very helpful when feeling this way. Also using search engines to search for natural hair pics help as well (like typing "models with natural hair"). As far as detangling goes-Hairtrition's 3 Minute Deep Moisture Treatment and Kinky-Curly's KNOT TODAY work very very well with detangling my hair.

  • Siera J. says:

    I feel this way everytime its wash/detangle day!! Im so lazy when it comes to doing styles. Sometimes I get so frustrated and threaten to relax and my boyfriend quickly tells me not to and that he loves my natural hair :). When i need motivation I come on Curly Nikki or go to You Tube.

  • Unknown says:

    I feel like that often. I am stuck with twist out updos right now because my hair is at a funny length so it doesn't cooperate. I don't like having to do it every 2 – 4 days. I guess if I want to ever get past this length though I have to do what it takes to keep it healthy.

  • elitebeauty13 says:

    Its rare that I feel defeated by my natural hair. But when it does happen my husband keeps me motivated. He loves the thickness of my hair and all the styles I can do with it.

  • drmsd says:

    I never feel like going back to relaxers, but I do find the process exhausting at times as a person who ONLY had their hair done in the salon or by someone else from the age of 9-27. I just turned 28 in November, so you can say I'm not that experienced. Maybe it's just a matter of getting my weight up, but I don't know if I'll ever get there.

  • Anonymous says:

    my twa is only about 1 1/2 inches long and I still haven't figured out my hair type…I call it crazy! I feel so excited when I first start doing my hair but when I see the results after all that hard work I'm ready to go back to my fad! But after three yrs of that hair style I'm ready for a change so I just dig in and try, try, try again!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hey Nikki,

    I have been frustrated with my hair because I wanted to have curl. My type is 4b/C I bought some different kind of products hair. I did try use Miss Jessies but it is ok. KCCC but it seem did not working for me because my hair was still wet and take long to be dry. I tried to different product hair which it really fits my hair. That really sucks! Anyway, I don't know what i do with my natural hair. Please HELP ME!!!

  • Jessi says:

    I've only been transitioning for a little over 4 months, and I definitely feel it. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm just struggling with find styles to do with my half and half hair that look decent.

    Why have I not perm on it? Part of it is become I can be stubborn as hell and don't want to give my mother the luxury of saying "I told you so". The other part is because I'm really trying to get comfortable with accepting ALL of me as God made me. Those relaxers have proven themselves detrimental to me hair, so it's time for me to let my hair be healthy and do me. The ladies on Curly Nikki show me that there is indeed a light at the end of this long transitioing tunnel.

  • Anonymous says:

    Hi. YES!!!! I was actually feeling that way this week. I have been transitioning for 11 months. Bound and determined to be a long term transitioner it is difficult. One because I am ready for the absolute free feeling that I keep hearing about, but I am not ready for a big chop. Second because I guess I am still trying to find that jsut right product combination so that when I try and do protective styles they are cute. It can be frustrating. I live in Florida and although I have some friends that are natural, it's not like being in Atlanta or NY where almost everyone seems to either be natural or stlying something funky to help you feel inspired. But my motivation lies within the ladies here on Curly Nikki. Nikki herself, the women on Fotki and youtube and the few friends that I have that have completely transitioned. I will say keep at it. When you have days like today, do exactly what you are doing so that others can uplift you. It really helped me today. I am a long hauler and so I understand your frustration but don't give up your journey! Be encouraged!

    Nikki H.

  • vetty says:

    Thanks for all the advice ladies! Much appreciated. Being a student, I find it hard to properly balance everything; but it's either take care of my hair or walk around lookin like "who-shot-Johnny" and no growth. After the gym, I'll be doing my hair and watch an episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I feel defeatist everytime I see a sister with relaxed hair and I think about the texture difference between my hair and her hair. There hair is really straight and it looks pretty. It is almost as straight as a caucasian women, but it never gets that straight and the down side to this is they had to put a chemical on their hair to change their natural hair texture, which is something that I have gotten really tired of doing because of all the harsh chemicals and never acheiving really long tresses.I also get tired of feeling like we are trying to follow women from other cultural backgroungs by straightening our hair,but our hair never gets as straight as their hair, which to men of all cultural backgroungs translates to black women have the worst hair and are not as good as other races when it comes to beauty. Then, I go to natural hair blogs like curly nikki and I get motivated all over again to go natural. This website is so informative and I love the pictures and stories of other natural women and I think of all the benefits of being natural; healthy hair, longer tresses, less breakage,representing my culture hair and the hope that I will inspire other sisters to show our natural beauty. To show the rest of the world that Black is Beautiful and Black women are more beautiful when they rock their natural hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    It's been a little over a year, but I haven't felt that defeatist attitude yet. Luckily, the WNG is easy for my chin-to-shoulder length hair, so I can be as lazy as I want to be. It doesn't take me long to wash, detangle, and add my moisturizers and oils. Very little styling with a WNG too.

    I've learned to do twists and they're coming out nicely now after months of looking crazy, so I've got one alternate style to the WNG. LOL I keep watching YouTube for hair inspiration. I see ladies with long natural hair doing all sorts of styles and I know it took them a lot of time to reach that point, so I press on.

    Stay encouraged!

  • Tasha says:

    I'll be honest when I say sometimes it can get a little tiring and/or exhausting. One of my favorite styles on me is my mini-twists style that as it grows older, it becomes fuller and frizzier and better over time. I love it. But my initial twists take 6 hrs to do so I find a movie or two, plop on the couch with my supplies and go for it. I take breaks in between. If its a deep condition/detangle day I put on my favorite music in the background and have some "me" time.

    One of the things that keeps me motivated is my reason for going natural in the first place. It was for total acceptance of my natural texture no matter what category it fell in. So to me there is no going back. And I think that's a good thing.

  • Anonymous says:

    Heck yeah I feel a little defeatist…right now actually! Its freezing cold out…none of my hats fit over my big hair so I have to wear these god awful earmuffs all the while I'm thinking if I blow my hair out and flat iron it life would be so much easier…but then I look at the ends of my hair that sufferd a bit of heat damage the last time I felt defeated and straightened my hair…then I suck it up, put in a good movies and get to twisting.

  • Lady-D says:

    @Anon 3:55pm. Its nice to know that there is a hair stylist who specializes in natural hair and respects their clients wishes when it comes to their hair. that is not something i have experienced. When i was relaxed my beautician was always gluing pieces in my hair because she had these visions of how she wanted it to look(they would be washed out the next day) Also, I have not found a stylist yet in my area who will do natural hair(besides straightening it. I dont think these women are bashing all stylists but they are speaking from their personal, not so good experiences

  • Kristen says:

    LMAO @ Sarah and "going to be in the company of good looking men later…" That's hilarious but a great reason to keep up the hair care!!! :o)

    I went natural about 15 years ago and not once thought about putting a relaxer back in my hair. When I DID have a relaxer I never did anything special to it anyway and I hardly went to get a touch up. So it was like moy roots were always new growth anyway. And I remember in High school I hadn't had a relaxer for the longest til it was tome for senior prom!!! I just didn't care about it.

    And I still don't. I say to those who may be feeling defeated and want to turn back to the whack cream crack, DON'T DO IT!!! Remember the reason you went natural in the first place. Think about all the effort you put into your hair thus far. Don't give up on it. :o) HTH!!

  • Anonymous says:

    As a Hair Stylist who specializes in (Total Hair Care)especially Natural Hair…I find it annoying that alot of Natural's comment or feel they don't need our help..I'am Natural and have done my research on Natural hair care so that I can offer those who consider going Natural an informative transition..I also allow my client to be who they want and should be without judgement…My job is to tell them the truth(Pros & Cons)of Hair Care and let them make their own decision. So Pls stop the Salon Stylist Bashing.

  • Nappy Miss Sew 'N Sew says:

    My husband keeps me going. I am terrible with styles, can't braid and only have the patience to do really big twists. I am tempted to press it out every winter and just keep it that way until it's warm enough to walk out the door with wet hair. But he begs me not to do it and keeps me supplied with microfiber towels and turbans so I can dry it in the mornings.

  • Anonymous says:

    in the same spirit of Anon @ 1.28p

    it's a cold, lazy Sunday, which is usually wash day, and i have not the motivation to get out of bed to start the 30-45 minute ordeal of doing my hair. i don't need the motivation to stay natural; nothing can make me relax my hair again. but, i'm just tired! i'm only going to do it because i'm going to be in the company of good looking men later, but i've already procrastinated away half of my day.

  • resab says:

    i get the same feeling every wash day… it use to be every week but the longer my hair get the more I want to stretch the time but hair salon nightmares keep me natural and besized my natural hair is too cute!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    I am not strong – I entertain the thought of going back to a perm about once every 2 months. What keeps me from going back? The smell of the lye on my scalp and the lye burning the sh** out of my scalp; coupled with the fact that I cringe at the thought of going to the beauty shop on a regular basis.

  • Anonymous says:

    I straighten my hair last night with almond oil and an electric hot comb, so that I could see the growth since my last trim. It looks so healthy and pretty! Now I'm energized to spend 2-3 hours cleaning, steaming, detangling and air-drying every Sunday afternoon for the next 4 months. Off and on I feel defeated, especially with the weather testing my afro daily, so I typically push my way through it by trying a new product or style. One thing that I know for sure is that the natural hair investment is worth being chemical and weekly beutician appointment dependent free!

  • Anonymous says:

    I usually "distract" myself during the whole hair care routine if I feel overwhelmed. While washing, detangling and styling, I listen to favorite songs. While deep conditioning or styling where I don't need a mirror, I watch a funny show. It's all about staying upbeat while doing my hair. It works even when I'm tired.

  • LBell says:

    I don't need motivation to stay natural. As tedious as my natural hair care may have been at times, it still beat all heck out of spending hours in a salon with a stylist who may or may not have known what he/she was doing. Relaxers only made my hair straight and acceptable to society; they did not make it healthier or stronger or, IMHO, better-looking. Going natural and becoming my own stylist was one of the best decisions I've ever made and it has NEVER gotten bad enough for me to go back to the bad old days.

    I've been wearing this TWA for 9 months now (a new record) and it's been so wonderful to have the WNG as my only hairstyle. (Seriously…when life isn't letting you spend tons of time in your hair, scissors really ARE an option. I'm just saying.)

    But me being me, I've been thinking about growing it out again. This would be the third time…but I have the lessons from the previous two times to guide me. That's my only motivation so far: the knowledge that at a certain point (8 inches, to be exact) I'm going to have to switch things up (wear protective styles exclusively, to be exact) if I want to proceed. Long hair is work regardless of texture, and long textured hair is extra work…decide if the results are worth it to you.

  • Anonymous says:

    It's Sunday, cold outside & I'm tired. So I'm going through it right now. My hair is shoulder length and while I'm happy that it's trying to grow. I know that if I slack on my regimen, it will stop in it's tracks. I even got to the point of considering a weave or a wig as a protective style for a while. But because I've never been crazy about any hair other than my own sitting on my head & I refuse to go back to the hair crack, I will do what I have to do today. The pay off 2-3 hrs later is how my hair always shows her thanks for the TLC.

  • Anonymous says:

    I felt that way the first time i went natural and i let it get the best of me. This time I have to remember the reward in the long run. Thick, long healthy hair. and to be honest it takes about the same amount of time to do my hair relaxed or natural, since i never blow dried my relaxed hair anyway.

  • Anonymous says:

    For movitvation , think about making your big weekly styling session a time of spiritual renewal/rejuvenation and fun. Wrap your head in a deep treatment and have a cup of tea or glass of wine. Have a hairparty with some friends and do each other's hair. Also, look at some individuals who are not treating their hair so well. Would you want your hair looking like that! Revel in the fact that you HAVE hair to worry about. Lol

  • Quest4SELF says:

    I feel this way every week when its time to wash, condition and style my staple style of a braidout. I love my hair but the longer it gets the longer the process is but its what i wanted. So I remind myself of that during the 3 hour ordeal and pray for a speedy ending lol. Stay upbeat and remember no one will love and care for your hair like you will and there will be good days and bad. HHJ!

  • Natasha -- says:

    As a loc'ed mom with a loose natural daughter, I'm currently going through something similar. A recent take-down left us with more hair in the comb than ever before.

    Instead of feeling defeated, however, we got a new sense of resolve! At 10, she wants her hair longer and healthier. So we're taking it back to the natural hair care basics.

    This weekend, we made a tag team effort to find a Denman brush.

    Try renewing your resolve, getting motivated and sticking with the tried and true standards of natural hair care.

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