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Curly Nikki

Snarky Comments and Self-Confidence

By January 27th, 202181 Comments

Snarky Comments and Self-Confidence
Curly Purrly writes:

Last Halloween (yes I know a long time ago, but I just now conjured up enough confidence to talk about it) me, my best friend, and one of her friends were talking about Halloween costumes, and I was telling her about how I might want to be tinker-bell or some sort of fairy this year. She’s a big jokester and we were swapping ideas for costumes when she all of a sudden burst out in a comment suggesting, “Hey why don’t you straighten your hair, and actually go as pretty this halloween”. Now of course I know that she meant it as a joke, and I quickly responded with a fake laugh to hide the sting of that comment, but when you are constantly being hounded by your peers to flat iron your hair it can get pretty old. So how exactly do you go about telling your friends/family that those sly comments they make about your hair really do bother you, without sounding rude or overly sensitive?


  • Anonymous says:

    Hairdressers can be the worst offenders !
    For the past 55 years, across four continents, at every hair appointment, I have endured a running commentary on the condition of my unnatural hair "Your hair is so dry, so very dry, so thick, so coarse!". I want to scream "YES I KNOW ! YES I USE A CONDITIONER! I'VE HEARD THIS CRAP FOR 55 YEARS ! What right have hairdressers to offer their critiques unsolicited ? All I want is a haircut but I leave the salon as depressed as ever! Don't these guys get it – they are supposed to enhance their clients, not so ? I am now preparing a written diplomatic "get off my back" statement to present on arrival at a salon, to any assigned hairdresser, to apprise them of their client's personal feelings and request they exercise some diplomacy. Instead of the harsh criticism, as above, why not suggest "would Madame like her hair thinned-out a bit?". I would respond "Thanks it does need a bit of thinning". Afterall, do I ever comment on some hairdressers' inappropriate and unprofessional "body in my face" attire ! I am caucasian but the curliness is obviously in my genes ! In closing, I really enjoyed reading all the comments and the inspiration offered. Thank you all you nice people !

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, is all I can say. When I first big chopped my supervisor greeted me with "hey bald head" 2x's. The second time I was like let me go ahead and get her straight, so I responded back with "hey crackhead" (b/c she is on the creamy crack) she claimed she did not mean to offend me but how else are you suppose to take a comment like that? Needless to say after my snappy lil comeback I heard nothing else about bald head. Now she totally admires my hair she is always looking at it and wanting to touch it and now I hear comments like you got good hair you never needed a relaxer. People are a trip.

  • Anonymous says:

    A few of the suggestions are saying to just brush these rude comments/jokes off, just turn the other cheek or walk away instead of reacting to this ill-mannered rudeness (or should I say, crudeness?) and to not be so sensitive and just harden yourself against this ignorance. Well, I think that it's OKAY to feel hurt and be offended if a person is indirectly referring to you as ugly because you have natural hair. That goes double for the commenter who said her husband "joked" that she looked like a slave. First of all, a slave? Really? That is such an offensive derogatory "joke" to make about our ancestor who had their heritage stripped away from them. I mean, really, who wouldn't have hurt feelings and feel sensitive after these comments?

    In a country where relaxed, straight haired women outnumber the natural haired women greatly, it's hard enough to go out into world being natural without your so called friends, families and significant others making these rude "jokes" or comments! Also, I don't recommend bottling up your feelings by not expressing your hurt over these comments. Because a person can only take so much before they "explode".

    To the original poster, I'm sure your friend wouldn't think it was funny if you said something horrible about her appearance in a joking way? I bet she wouldn't be so quick to laugh then. Same goes for the commenter whose husband made the slave comment, I bet he wouldn't find it funny if you made a hurtful comment about his appearance. These so called "truthful" comments/jokes hurt when it's on the other foot.


  • Anonymous says:

    Want to really know who your friends are? Go natural………..

  • Anonymous says:

    In Upstate NY:

    Sad but true. Other black people will make negative comments about your hair.

    I look at the person's hair. If it's relaxed, I think to myself that they will be bald soon enough. If they're wearing a wig or weave, I think that they are already bald.

    Then, I smile.

  • Anonymous says:

    I don't know how long you have been "friends" with this person but my friends wouldn't feel the need to make a jab comment at me like that it probably would not cross their minds because they don't think like that. Yeah I've noticed I have had to learn to be quick on the counter attack jabs myself with people (strangers). So use these people as practice so that you can learn how hide that sting and just come with something. I'm sure your "friend" has something you can get on her for.

  • Anonymous says:

    I understand but from a different point of view, my mother-in-law who has had locs for 10 years is the same way. That statement would give the impression that she understands the natural hair struggle but no. Many time she has grabbed my hair called it nappy, told me I need to cut it. Even suggested for my wedding that I straighten my hair.

    My husband doesn't understand why I get so upset because she just joking. For me it's a slap in the face that I don't need from a fellow natural woman. The crazy thing is when I wear my hair in a curly fro she has nothing to say, it's only when I need to wash my hair and the curls have turned to knots and tangles she makes her statements.

    So I understand the sting and the pain it gives you when someone insults apart of you that is naturally beautiful! 🙁

  • DvaAuNaturel says:

    Wow! That was mean and a low blow, IMO. You need to talk with her and be honest about how you felt about the comment. Your friend can't change her behavior if she doesn't know. Speak up. People need to learn to show some respect(family, husbands, friends, etc.). Folks just saying whatever comes to mind like they don't have a censor. What happened to "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" geez!

  • reignflowers says:

    I have had my hair natural for most of my life. I wore cornrows all 4 years in high school when it was neither popular nor accepted. I did it simply to grow my hair in its natural state after it was badly damaged from a perm. I quickly noticed that all of my African-American peers viewed me as unattractive. Senior year, I straightened my hair just to take a peek at how long it had grown. I found that it was past my shoulders and lay on the top part of my back. When I got to school, all the ladies complimented with oohs and aaahs and suddently the most popular guys in school had interests in me. (Go figure). The comments stopped a few days later when I went back to cornrows and kept it like that for almost the rest of the school year. I was almost able to cut the silence with a knife. I wore my hair like that to reach a goal and in the process I learned a lot about people through "natural" observation back then. In college I wore a perm and then returned to a natural short jazzy style similar to yours in 1997. It just so happened that this particular style (which was one that I'd wanted since I was a little girl) was acceptable at that time. I would have worn it then either way.
    Recently, I had a similar experience with a couple of people who suggested that I straighten my hair so that I can "look better". (smile) They sincerly thought that they were helping me. They didn't know me well and found out within a few weeks that not only am I happy with my natural hair, but that when I want to dress it up compliments (which I appreciate but really don't care much about) come from all directions. I didn't take the comment personally because I immediately know that many African-Americans relate hair beauty to what is acceptable or trendy. You may notice that comments like the one you experienced come more often you when your natural style is considered to be non-trendy. I've always worn my hair the way that I've wanted, whether permed or natural, for me. I've always had the opinion that the more natural I am, the more beautiful. I am not one of those people who did "the big chop" because my hair has been natural for so long, but I respect the time, thought and process of those who have done it.
    I agree with the person (who commented just above me) who suggested that you honestly talk to your friend. If your friend doesn't take you seriously, then you will learn who she is and where she needs to be in your life. There are a myriad of reasons why people haven't embraced their own beauty. Many reasons. I say this not to speak against them, but to help you understand that comments made like that are coming from a non-dependable collective opinion that sees beauty from the shallow side of life. If you know this and know yourself, you will find that instead of getting offended by this foolishness, you will write it off to the source where it comes from which is ignorance, and we know that ignorance is worth ignoring.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am so sorry your "friend" found it necessary to say that to you. If you value her friendship and want to keep her in your life, then you should talk to her honestly about the comment and how it made you feel. Who knows why she would say such a thing? It's easy to speculate why, but only she knows what she was thinking and feeling at the time. So talk to her, tell her how it made you feel, and give her a chance to explain. Talking honestly about it is the only way to mend the hurt you are feeling. I feel equally sad to read about the husband who told his wife that she looks like a slave. That is unacceptable. I am a black woman who big chopped three months ago after a lifetime of relaxers. I am in love with my hair for the first time in my life. Although I don't look for validation from other people, it is still nice to know that my mate supports my decision to go natural. My husband is white and tells me every day how beautiful my natural hair is. He says my natural hair is more beautiful than my relaxed hair, and I agree with him. It makes me sad when I hear about the ignorant comments some women receive from the black community when they decide to go natural. Hold your heads up high and know that you are beautiful and that your natural hair is beautiful, whether or not others support you. Their unkind comments are more of a refection on them, not you.

  • misha says:

    Wow, lovely comments ladies… made me join in. I'd say, respond to others consistently regarding your hair. There are times when they love it so let them know you appreciate it. There are times they are curious, so talk about it and express your confidence. There are times when they're concerned, and you can talk to them about it. The way I think, by the time criticism comes, even when it's with someone completely different, talking to them about it feels less intense.

  • AVO says:

    i was natural all my life until about a year ago when i got my hair relaxed…i moved to an area where its all white and no black hair salons except for 2hours away…my hair was always past my shoulders (naturally) and i got it relaxed and cut short …i got called a boy sir sonny it was humiliating….and before getting it relaxed i heard ignorant comments more so from ppl of color like euww get a perm you'd be more attractive if you had a relaxer… could get a man if you got your hair fixed…ugh anyways im going back natural since that evil relaxer last year and the comments have started again 1st thing when i walked into work last night was omg what did u do to your hair…i am wearing a protective style its curly weave in the back double twists in the front…i thought it was nice …idk anyways my point being you cant satisfy anyone just do you chica and tell your friend not to be so insecure about the fact u march to the beat of your own drum….she probably wishes she didnt have to do all she does to her hair..i always did and always will love natural black hair…we have full beautuful hair thats what other women want. oh and to the husband making the slave comment ive gotten that from an ex bf tell dude to kick rocks…remember ladies our imperfections are our perfections..i live by that…..avo

  • Anonymous says:

    You know, I have experienced some off handed comments by my boyfriend. He swears he loves my hair, but every now and then he slips up and says something off color. And every time, I gently but sternly let him know how it makes me feel, I realize that it's not so much him as much as it is our entire society…our black society and the negative feelings that natural hair brings up. However, I NEVER write anything off as just a joke or he didn't mean anything by it because I feel like I have to use every opportunity to literally retrain people and their feelings about our hair. I think that people who make comments like this really believe that straight hair=a prettier person. I've been natural for 3 years and sometimes when I straighten my hair, I think I look better. But then I think about all of the images I see of what is supposed to be pretty…and I understand a bit more. So I strongly encourage all of you NOT to write off any negative or sideways comments but to use them as teaching moments. I don't believe that attacking her with another negative comment will help, but get to the root of the issue. My favorite question is why, why do you feel like that would make me prettier? Her responses will reveal that it's not you, but her issues and perhaps you can help her to deal with them.

  • Anonymous says:

    Always remember “ Dogs Don't Bark at Parked Cars”. Mom always tell me when somebody makes a comment you don't like don't say anything just be silent. At first I was I cant do that I always want to say something back. But I tried it and it does work. It makes then feel really dumb when all you do is get silent. At the end of the day its about your choice to go natural and be healthy.

  • Anonymous says:

    It seems like you've got more than enough advice, but I thought I'd throw my 2 cents in, as well. You seem like me, I'm not one to do any checking. I'm always the "nice" one amongst my friends or some may say the slow one. But either way, I don't actually think esculating the hate would help your hurt feelings or her self-hatred.

    I would however, not let her get away with that comment, despite the length of time its been since she said it. I would address the issue the next time I saw her. I'd ask her if she remembers the time she said…? Then I'd tell her "Well, I remember it, and I can't get it out of my mind. I was soo hurt by it." (You know how experts always say use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Its less threatening I suppose, and it works).

    That'll put the monkey on her back. She's the one with the issue. Its her turn to mull it over for a couple of months. Maybe she'll think about it, apologize, and be your best thoughtful and insightful friend, or maybe she won't. Oh well, but at least she'll know that the statement was not a joke to you and such comments to you will not go unanswered.

    At least it wasn't your husband who made such an negitive statement. Blknwhtbeauty, my heart goes out to you. You need to post your own Question of the Day!! We'll need Nikki's help with him. God bless you!

  • KeepItMovingDotCom says:


    My "bestie" of nearly 27 years told me this when I did my first big chop in '97, "boys won't talk to you anymore because your hair will be gone." I calmly told her that i'm sure i have more that just pretty hair. She tried to justify her statement but I let her know that she may feel that way about herself – that she has "one thing" that makes her attractive or special but luckily I dont' feel that way about myself!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow the joke your "friend" made about your hair was very distasteful!…I do feel the best way to respond is with intelligence, and enlighten those ignorant comments that can catch us off guard… However, I do understand how you just laughed it off, because sometimes those comments can take a while to process and responding without anger takes an well thought out response…It's easy to throw a nasty comment back in someones face but much harder to respond with dignity!…It will take time to develop those skills but if you are always aware of your decision to be natural and remember that you are beautiful despite what others thinks it will become more natural.

    Although, I haven't had any of my peers respond negatively towards my hair, I have experienced my younger cousins making light of my hair. Since they are young I try to not get mad about it, but I must say it is harder to help them understand my choices and respond accordingly!

    So, I can totally relate to your experience!

  • Anonymous says:

    mmm. does not fit in my definition of a friend. Thank G-d we don't have to keep the same friends always.

  • kimmie0810 says:

    I would have said "too bad a session with a flat iron wouldn't help your inside out type of ugly".

    Whenever someone tries to talk crap about my hair, I turn it right back around on them. Usually to gasps or shocked expressions. Then I ask why 30 seconds before it was OK for them to insult me but now there's a problem. People usually get the point. Then I like to "brag" about how healthy my hair is & the other benefits of me being natural. Usually the comments I get about my hair are regardng the cut/length; so I also invite them to come check for me in a few months since I've grown & retained several inches since my BC

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, where in the world are some of you all living and who do you count as friends and family? I have been natural for about 15 years (3C-4A hair type)and have never, ever heard such hateful comments. Every once in a while someone will mildly annoy me by wanting with the dreaded "can I touch it?" or "how do you get your hair to do that?" but I am learning to accept it as a compliment and move on. If a "friend" said something to me like your did, I'd go Facebook on her butt and "UNFRIEND" her in a second. toots mom

  • ShakLand says:

    Regardless of how you wear your hair that was straight up rude and I actually felt like I got slapped just reading it. No excuse that she's a jokester. Sometimes jokes are like drunk people – they tell you how they really feel – and what kills me the most is we're talking about a grown person, not a kid. Wow.

  • Anonymous says:

    A good friend of mine used to always say "every joke has a little bit of truth to it"

    Sweetheart was not joking with you. I think she really meant what she said and it was very evil of her to say that. What you should have said was "we should get you a dunce hat and you go as yourself this halloween -STUPID"

    Well you know what type of person she is and its up to you if you want to continue hanging with her. She is definitely not a good friend or acquaintance for saying a coment like that.

  • Tahara Lyric says:

    If you love the way you look with your natural hair the confidence you hold should be enough people are always going to have something to say shes not a very good friend if that comment was made although it was a joke it wasn't a very nice one and it seemed intentional … you should just keep doing you and show everyone that your hair is a part of you accept it or not its not going to change

  • therapy3471 says:

    I guess that's why I don't have a lot of girlfriends because I don't have the time nor the patience for that sh**. Sometimes when ppl blurt out something before they think, they are really speaking from their heart. That photo must not be you b/c I don't know how anyone could look at you and think you're not pretty.

  • Unknown says:

    The "hair is just hair" argument just flew right out the window with this one…

  • Curly Purrly says:

    Thank you so much guys, wow, you have no idea how much your responses has meant to me, and it feels good to have some genuine support. I really almost cried reading this because I actually feel like you guys know how I feel. Again, Thank you all so much.

    -Curly Purrly

  • Unknown says:

    People tell me all the time that they like my natural hair and then sometimes follow up with, "But I would like to see it straight from time to time". That bothers me a great deal because when I was relaxed and wore straight hair all the time, no one ever wanted to see my hair natural "from time to time". So when I do hear these comments, I always respond with, "I'm okay with being the way God made me, even if you're not". At the end of the day, you have to realize those people are suffering more than you because they still have some sort of self hatred and you have the blessing of loving yourself for who you really are 🙂

  • Anonymous says:


    I am with you. They claim the confidence is there, but when someone says something, where is that confidence?? They don't know how to respond. I say they because I am a natural (caesar/brush cut) who would/will never be offended by anything anyone has to say about hair or anything. I was confident before the cut, and am confident now. Will always be. You are your own person!! No matter the reasons for going natural (mine was I was bored), it is your choice. No one has ever said anything but positive things to me about my hair. I work with 5 yr olds, some of the most honest humans on the planet lol, and they never say anything about my hair.

    It's also about surrounding yourself with positive people. I do get the fact that a few posters said that women (black women) may say things because they are jealous they are brave enough to go natural. I can see that. I get stares, and then someone will come up to me and compliment. Positivity is the word!!

  • Jocelyn says:

    It's just like one of the posters above said, ppl get so uncomfortable when others decide to go against the norm. When it comes to hair and things like that white ppl (not all of them) seem to only be comfortable around us as long as we're trying to fit in as much as possible, and black ppl (again, not all) get jealous when they see us no longer trying to fit in. A lot of ppl say naturals are defensive about their hair, but I think straight haired black women also become defensive about their hair when they're around naturals. They're wondering why they don't have the guts to do it. They may not even be consciously wondering that, but deep down that's what all the snide comments boil down to. They just don't understand at all. I think you should let her know how her comment made you feel…or come back at her with a snide remark. Don't just keep it inside. Same thing to the woman and her husband with the slave comment. Let him know how it makes you feel when he says things like that. Maybe it needs to be pointed out to him. Some ppl won't see what they're doing as wrong or serious until someone expressly says that it's wrong or not something he/she takes lightly.

  • Anonymous says:

    Sounds to me like she's not much of a friend. When I decided to go natural my friends voiced some of their concerns in a loving way but at the end of the day they are my friends and they got me no matter what. I did have some friends nasty comments about my hair and I wasn't really concerned about delivery with regards to how much I didn't like their comments. If we are friends I don't have to walk on eggshells with them especially when my feelings are involved, so each situation was different. There was one friend who made the comment that I looked like a dike and needed to get off of the "back to nature" kick and this wasn't the first time she threw out a comment regarding my appearance, so at that moment I told her that her enough is enough, her comment was hateful and mean and that as my friend that kind of stuff is unnacceptable and that I don't tolerate the little bites and stabs at my self esteem and if she didn't like my new look and it bothered her that much then she needed to do us both a favor and kick rocks because my look is here to stay and my self esteem will not be attacked by anyone and that I expect that as my friend she would have my back and help build me up not tear me down. I told her that she has a right to her opinion and I appreciate her voicing it but her delivery was out of pocket and that I also have the right to not be surrounded by undercocer frenemies. She told me that I was being too sensitive and that she was just kidding, but I had to explain to her that I have a right to be a little sensitive because I am fighting a social standard and trying to define my beauty on my terms and in the end feel good about who I am and that I didn't have the energy nor did I feel I should have to fight my friends on this front as well, so either she back me up or kick rocks because in the end I really don't owe anyone an explanation for the choices I make for my life. So that's how it went. I see my friend from time to time in passing we are not as close as we used to be. We are cordial and she sees the positive responses I get from people and the support of those friends I still have around me so I am sure she sees the error of her ways, and maybe this is just a season and we will become sister friends again and I think my openness to that is what helps make our interaction without altercation. Basically it's called sticking up for you, comes with the territory of going against the grain and defining yourself on your terms. So good luck to you girl but I would suggest that you get some really good sister girls to call your friends.

  • april says:

    That joke that your friend made was quite mean. Once for my birthday I blow dried my hair and curled it. I got compliments that it really showed my length and that it looked nice straight. My friend who defends my natural decisions to her college "associates" who watch people they don't even know and talk about them, kept insisting that I straighten my hair after that. I tell her time and time again, no I'm not going to, no I don't want to.

    Another thing that bothers me is that when women have the urge to address someone who has hurt them or they want to express their concerns about something, they fear being labeled the b word or too sensitive, or rude. Why is that? If something bothers me I'm going to express that in a serious and respectful manner. Demanding respect for myself doesn't mean not granting anyone else theirs.

  • Kay Van Duyne says:

    There was some truth to the comment. Plain and simple. Next time you see her stand right there and calmly and eloquently state your feelings about the comment. Even if you have to preface it, by saying "This happened some time ago, but words have a lasting impression…"
    I say this because over a year has passed and you are wondering how to handle these things. Now, though you need to clear the air because I'm sure that you have felt uncomfortable, if you've been in her presence after last years's Halloween.
    These comments are just like saying you look fat or I don't like your dress, etc. It's a comment on our appearance and we have the right to say, "Yes, I'm sensitive about my hair. No, you don't have to like it. Yes, there is freedom of speech, just know there is freedom of speech on my part, too."

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! That was a very mean thing to say, even if she was just joking. I don't get those kind of comments, but I probably would have let her know right then and there that it wasn't funny. I would have let her know that it was a hurtful thing to say. Then she would know and could have apologized and that would have been it.

  • Anonymous says:

    I hope i post this properly. I usually just read the posts but never had the urge to comment until now.

    This is hurtful to me, and i dont even know you. I believe people use jokes to express how they really feel, she does not seem to be a very good friend. However she did say it out loud, so at least you know where you stand with her. How many people think this way and keep it to themselves or say it behind out backs. They are all the same, i think you should associate more with people who think you are beautiful and wonderful just the way you are natural or with relaxed hair.

    I read what and am confused (wondering if this is a typo ) about what
    "Anonymous" typed on December 18, 2010 4:02 AM
    "I think it will make you feel better if you tell her to read your post and the comments here. And if she does read this, lady you have no class!

    Anonymous are you saying that the natural haired friend does not have any class if she lets her friend read these posts? That does not make much sense to me.
    her friend who said she should "straighten her hair and go as pretty", is the one who does not have any class, i would think.

  • Natmane says:

    Never let anyone bring you down. If a joke makes you feel bad let them know.If you have friends who bring you down i think you should let them go.

  • Anonymous says:

    Do yourself a favor, remove the dagger from your heart, you don't deserve it. I know that hurt but you have been carrying this around with you, feeding your insecurity for too long. I guarantee you, she's not thinking about it. She doesn't remember it. I think it will make you feel better if you tell her to read your post and the comments here. And if she does read this, lady you have no class!

  • Anonymous says:

    I hate to tell you this, but she is not your friend. You can make excuses if you want but in actuality she basically called you ugly. Good luck with her, she will continue to hurt your feelings, get ready for it.

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm sure she was trying to be funny, but she would've caught me off guard and I would've slipped her an oh-so-smooth "bi*** please." I hate that people associate pretty with long straight hair and ugly as being natural. I think her comment to you expresses the attitude of many people, nevertheless of their race, about natural hair. Just do you, be proud, and do what makes YOU feel pretty and beautiful, inside and out. No conforming to what others feel beautiful is, you do what makes you feel good about yourself.

  • LoveNWright says:

    This is a very ironic situation to be quite honest. It is amazing that so many women go natural and have this sense of empowerment and renewed confidence in who they are however, when they are faced with the reality of their decision, they do not know how to respond to society. Negative and curt comments only perpetuate ignorance. It takes humility and patience to teach those who do not know.

    Just as you once were, it is obvious that this woman was ignorant to reason why you are natural. Granted, it's none of her business but instead of taking offense you should have viewed it as an opportunity to feed the unfed.

    If you were homeless and given a set of keys to a warm house with food, you would take the keys! Same situation…Her comment should have sparked a discussion where you enhanced her understanding of natural hair. Being natural is a statement in itself…you have to deliver the essay!

  • MelMelBee says:

    I'm still a fan of the golden rule…treat people how you'd like to be treated, so getting "revenge" or being nasty back does not do anything. Besides, most people who talk about others have issues with themselves. I also don't think you should just ignore the treatment. I'm with Nappy Miss Sew N Sew (all the way at the top) who suggested that when she says things like that, you ask her "Is that really how you feel", so that can lead into a discussion. If she is a best friend, she will respect and understand your opinion. Then, confidently, firmly, and respectfully tell her to "READ A BOOK", starting with "Breaking the Chains of Psychological Slavery" by Naim Akbar.

  • Anonymous says:

    I find that when people say mean things like's because secretly they really wish they had the balls to rock their hair that way…but they don' they prefer to paint you as the odd ball in the bunch or make you feel less of a human…But in essence you have the real power!!(Chin up)

  • RisesPhoenix says:

    If my friend was rude enough to be that mean to me, I could not resist being mean right back. If she really is a friend, she should know when she's crossing the line, so I'd feel very comfortable throwing her insecurities right back in her face as a "joke". Seriously though, if you show "haters" that there are consequences for them running their mouths, they will have to back off. (Can't get too snipey with family though.)

  • NtrlGAGrl says:

    If someone is "big girl/boy" enough to make sly comments to you about you, you can be "big girl" enough to OWN and EXPRESS how you feel about it. AND you can do it without being rude or you can choose to be snarky yourself–either way, you're right. That wasn't being funny. That was being hurtful, rude, and insulting, friend or not, and you not dealing with it immediately gave her implicit permission to do it again.

  • Anonymous says:

    I would say Girl please! I'm already beyond beautiful. Why would I downgrade to pretty. I'd be happy to help you go as pretty though. Just let me know…anything for a friend!

  • Anonymous says:

    trade them for natural friends.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think that some people say things to potentially make themselves look/feel better. The comment was very insensitive of her. But it is so amazing to me how we have adopted the same thoughts and feelings as the good white folks did about our hair. My natural journey is personal, for me and me alone. My husband and I are playful and he makes comments but I once told him that I "thought" about relaxing and he was totally against it. Natural or otherwise whatever you do should be for you. If you are looking for validation from anyone else you are for sure setting yourself up. I agree with what someone else said above, we are all adults, I think stopping right then and putting her in a position to clarify just what she meant would have really set her out. We teach people how to treat us. I bet you after that she would think twice about what she allows to part her lips. It's funny how people equate long hair to pretty. Trust me I've seen long hair on trolls and some of the most gorgeous women I've seen have had brush cuts!!!

  • Bree says:

    OH NO SHE DID NOT! Now I' am angry…lol. I have an off beat sense of humor naturally but that is just crossing the line to being just plain hurtful and rude. I agree with the comments that you should nip it in the bud and tell her that was rude and put her in her place and let her know how you really feel. If you don't tell someone you are hurting how would they know? Some people don't know that they are being insensitive or hitting a nerve. I believe if they can say what on their mind than you should too. If that doesn't work resort to being snarky right back at her to let her know how it feels.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am always amazed at how people think, friend or not, that they can say whatever they want to you. As I have gotten older, I have learned to not let what others have to say affect me. They don't live your life or pay your bills. I would tell her that I didn't ask for her for her opinion but when I want to know how to be a witch, she would be the first one I call.

  • Anonymous says:

    not saying that I am making light of this comment. My kids call me frederick douglass, slave, my hair looks like pubs in the sink/tub. But I have learned to ignore them and just be like a duck in the rain and the comments roll down my back. It was so funny the other day I walked into a shop to get my ends clipped and all the ladies (with their relaxed, flat ironed and long weaves) turned and looked at me in disgust like I hope she is coming in here to get a relaxer. I held my picked out big afro head up high and asked for my hairdresser. I have even been called chia (sp) pet…but he couldn't keep his hands out of my hair…LOL. One friend threatened to have me escorted out of my job if I came in looking like quest love, I laughed it off and came in to work with my "close as I could get it" quest love look. I am one of those people, the more you talk about me the better I get. Find you some natural friends or people who embrace what you are doing for yourself.

  • Gisele says:

    If you have this woman's email address, I would send her a link to this thread and (innocently) ask her what she thinks of a person who makes comments like that.

  • Anonymous says:

    I know that's your friend, but no REAL friend would've said something like that. Sometimes you have to unleash the fury even on so-called friends. You can't always be nice, especially when you're being insulted like that.

  • Anonymous says:

    Your bff said that? That is low and mean. I would've been pissed. That's a pretty hateful thing to say and you should confront her about it. And the fact that she said it infront of someone else makes me even angrier. If she doesn't have anything to joke about, then she should sit down and shut up. Just be quiet and grrr! [Insert profanity here.]

  • Anonymous says:

    i have to agree with a few of these comments that some truth is in her jokes. Speak up sweetie if it hurt it hurt. If she is a friend she should understand your feeling were hurt when you tell he, if not then she's not a real friend. I went through something like this with a friend (the joking stuff) and I didn't speak up instead my instincts kicked in and I pulled away from her to protect myself, she mistook that and when I tried to explain what I was truly feeling she blew up and called me names. Not a friend. So speak up hon, because it will keep happening if you don't.

  • All That Chit Chat says:

    Take that back. I have heard a negative comment. My G-Dad never liked short hair. He said I had "cut my beauty off". I was like "Thanks G-Dad, so I'm just through now, huh?" LOL I didn't take it too seriously tho. I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful. He was just blunt with his opinion.

  • All That Chit Chat says:

    I wonder if she might be jealous?…..

  • All That Chit Chat says:

    For some reason, I've never heard negative comments and I've been natty for about 20 years. I don't know how I would react.

    But what I really want to say is… I'm looking at your photo. I think your NAME should be pretty. That short hair makes those features shine!

  • Anonymous says:

    What kind of friend says that? You are not being rude or overly sensitive. That was messed up. Granted, I don't know these people in real life, but come on… You don't need "friends" like these.

  • Michelle Patrick says:

    Curly Purrly you will just need to tell your friend if she doesn't have anything useful or meaningful to contribute to the conversation, she can just keep her mouth shut!

    Remind her and others if they don't have anything good to say, then it's best not to say anything at all.

  • MommieDearest says:

    Wow. Just, wow. First of all, NO, you are NOT being too sensitive. The next time your "friend" does that, and there WILL be a next time, be ready with a snarky come back of your own. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. If you keep laughing it off she will think it's OK to keep disrespecting you. And it's not just about your hair, it's about treating you badly in general.

  • Anonymous says:

    Sounds like they are being rude and insensitive to you. I would speak my mind and if they found what I said to be rude and insensitive so be it!

  • Anonymous says:

    I have been natural for a long time. In grade eight, I asked my mother to cane row my hair all the way back after a school vacation. One of my so-called friends said that when she saw me she thought a "A NEW BLACK BOY" had started at our school. Yeah, for real. It really happened. This is just one of many experiences, I was natural long before it was cool or popular. But I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    That comment was not menant as a joke. It was rude and insensitive. You shouldn't worry about being rude when others are not worried about being rude to you. Stand up for yourself and let ignorant people know that those types of comments will not be tolerated. They don't have to like it, but they will respect your choice. Because you don't need anyone's permission or acceptance to do what you want to do with your own hair. Good luck.

  • Anonymous says:

    Call me evil but I woulda had to go off on her real quick. You have to nip that type of mess in the bud asap. This doesn't only apply to hair but life in general. There is a limit and once you cross that line you will be checked honey. It's all love tho. She needs to know and the only way she will find out is if you let her know. People will only go as far as you let them. Also don't think too much about her feelings or if you were being rude SHE/HE/THEY WILL BE OK AND GET OVER IT, I PROMISE!

  • AusetAbena says:

    You should have called her out on that rude comment. Very rude. And hurtful. Even if you were the most confident person in the world, that can hurt your feelings. And if she calls herself being your friend, she would have never ever said that.

  • LBell says:

    I'm nice almost to a fault but niceness would have gone out the window with that comment. Whoo LAWD! Somebody's feelings would have been seriously hurt. I like Carmel Stacks' response though… 🙂

    I suppose you could take the high ground…but why? Don't let people get away with disrespecting you like that. If it means verbally slapping them across the face, then so be it.

  • Anonymous says:

    i'm a mixed girl, half my family is white and i've grown up in a white community. throughout my life i've gotten so many disrespectful comments made by family members and friends about my hair. i've been called einstein, poodle, told that my hair looks like pubic hair, that it's "so pretty" when it's tied down and been asked if i was struck by lightning. i've gradually started to stand up for my self, a lot thanks to communities like this one. i know that in most instances ppl have tried to be funny n not mean any real harm, but it just goes to show that my beauty still doesn't count.

  • Cocoa Fly says:

    My mouth just hit the floor. That was real low. I think the next time your bff's friend says something nasty to you about hair pull her to the side, be calm about it, and tell her she crossed the line. Tell her you know she was joking, but you're sensitive about your hair and ask her to stop.

    To the woman whose husband said she looks like a slave, I'm speechless. That was mean. I'm sorry your husband said that to you. Men are interesting. I wonder how he would react if men were checking you out and telling you how they liked your hair.

    I know everyone isn't crazy about my hair. One of my relatives keeps asking me, "What's up with this hair." After the 3rd time I told him to "Get used to it." He laughed and hasn't brought it up. I love him dearly but he ain't go wash, condition, detangle, section, blow dry, press, flat iron and curl my hair. I just got tired typing that. Keep in mind that you're making yourself happy and not living for anyone else. That's powerful.

  • danielle says:

    i seriously can not stand such implications like what happen in the story. it's sad, straight up tragic. i would have told her how i felt abt the comment. u are not the one to feel bad and save her ass by laughing with her. let her feel bad abt her own comment because it was dumb, as simple as that. the same thing goes for the "slave" comment. if u hurt my feelings i will tell u it hurt, and why it hurt. that will make the person think abt what was said, and hopefully learn something abt themselves (like how ignorant the person acted). if we naturals keep laughing dumb remarks or comments away, nobody will stop and reflect on what they are really saying and how they themselves define beauty in lines with Caucasian features. it's time for us to own our beauty.

  • apaine says:

    please, "pretty" would be a downgrade from your natural beauty!

    it's funny how people who dish it can't take it. if they are rude enough to say it, then you shouldn't feel like you are being rude in checking them. people use "jokes" as a pass to be a jerk. some guy said it looked like i had stuck my finger in a light socket once when i was wearing my afro… oh for reals? i gave him a dry look and his goofy smile shrivelled right up on his face. sometimes that's all you have to do.

  • J'adore says:

    honestly, with friends like these…smh

  • bride91501 says:

    You just tell them. If they really love you, they'll hear and respond to the pain in your voice.

  • Doc says:

    wow…that hurt my feelings and i wasn't even there
    is that what people think of us naturals
    that we're ugly

    and to blknwhtbeauty…. I CANNOT believe your husband said that. i mean really?

    what gratification do people get with these kind of comments?

    you know, i wouldn't have been able to stop myself from wondering if there was some truth to that comment. i think i would have asked your friend later when we were alone about the origins of the comment. is that how she views me.

    on one hand, who gives a crap what these people think. But it would concern me to have people in my life that had such negative feelings about me…

    my instinct is to cut people off, i'm trying to stop that, but i can't help it. life's too short for bulls***. we all take on the energy that we surround ourselves with. so… yea…
    ladies- know that you are beautiful just the way you are!

  • Nappy Miss Sew 'N Sew says:

    I find that if you respond by asking "do you really feel that way?", calmly and seriously, it usually leads to the conversation that puts an end to this type of comment. The person can express how they feel about your personal grooming choices. After listening, you can thank them, let them know you respect their opinion but you have made your choice. Tell them you would appreciate their support or at the very least, their silence (if they cannot be positive). Have the conversation without anger or accusation and without using humor to make it easier. Most people are decent at the core, and sometimes need a moment to reconnect their brains to their mouths.

  • Shayla says:

    Friend or not that was a pretty hurtful and rude comment. I'm a teacher and my students don't hardly see any young natural females and I hear some rude things whenever "I get them in trouble." I can ignore that-sometimes my feelings are hurt though-but if a friend said something, no. I agree with the post above mine, and also point out that all jokes contain some "truth" (what that person actually thinks) and explain why I was hurt. I don't think its rude or being overly sensitive about anything when people talk about something that is unique/personal about someone. Good luck with however you decide to handle it.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow..just reading that stings a little.

  • Anonymous says:

    I would just simply call her out and ask her why is she making such a harsh comment. You consider her to be a friend and realize that she may not like each and every one of your choices, but if she respects you and your choices, she should not be making such comments. If she shows her a– after that, you need to reconsider having her as a friend.

  • Blknwhtbeauty says:

    I have no idea on how to handle these situations either!My husband just told me I looked like a "slave" the other night, I just rolled my eyes and gave him the silent treatment.I agree that those "jokes" do hurt.Looking forward to the responses.

  • Anonymous says:

    You should've responded "OH how about you go as a real black woman instead of a white girl want to be with your straight hair?!"

  • Lorrnae says:

    I think you need to create an internal barrier. You are going natural for you, not anyone else. I would just shoot a comment back, like the poster above said. You get a little revenge, and the person feels the same feeling you felt. Also, it's good for a laugh.

  • Jenell : BlakIzBeautyful says:

    I've never experienced any negative/sly comments, so Im very interested in hearing from you ladies so that I can be prepared, if necessary.

  • Carmel Stacks says:

    I would have been like "or I could get a witch costume and go as you!" lmao..hahahaha sorry, couldn't resist.

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