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Curly Nikki

Dating While Natural

By January 27th, 202195 Comments

Dating While Natural
Jeanine writes:

I would like to hear about your dating experiences. I’m tripping out over here, because I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m approached more often when I’m wearing a fresh roller set or press and curl. When I step out with my curly ‘fro, or dope twist-out, the compliments cease and I’m hardly ever noticed. It’s like I become invisible. I feel most beautiful and sexy with my kinks and coils, but the men I come across don’t seem to think so. It’s gotten so bad that I now straighten my hair for first dates. I feel bad about that, but on the other hand, time is ticking away, I’m quickly approaching 35, and I want kids.

Can any of you relate? What’s a girl to do?!

95 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    There's nothing sexier than self confidence!

  • Anonymous says:

    I just recently started wearing my hair natural without the half wigs (I used half wigs to transition). I was sitting in a coffee shop and a blk guy looked up and complimented my hair. Said he loved the style. I was surprised.

  • Anonymous says:

    It's definitely a matter of how you carry yourself that attracts or repels a man. When I feel beautiful, it shows and the men respond. If I think I look ugly, so does everyone else. I don't smile, I look down, I cover up what I'm ashamed of. I love my natural hair – the bigger the 'fro, the bigger my smile. It feels so good to be able to rock pretty coils – in ANY weather – and know I look good. And since I feel this way, I'm also a lot friendlier, more approachable and more fashionable (bigger earrings, bolder colors, etc). Men WILL approach you whether your hair is straight or natural IF you look and feel good. Check your attitude and confidence level to see if that's what's holding them back.

  • The Artistic Runway says:

    I found that wearing my hair in its natural state is preferred by the men I've encountered. To be honest I love it! I don't care if they like it or not! I feel beautiful and when I was wearing straight hair I felt uncomfortable all the time. To be honest, I feel like I am who I am naturally and I will never go back, I may straighten it but it'll be for me, not because I care what a man thinks about it πŸ™‚

  • Anonymous says:

    I've gotten a lot more compliments from men when I wear my hair natural, especially from those who tell me to keep doing what I'm doing. My cousin has been wearing her hair in weaves or braids for the past 15 years and her husband always tells her that he'd rather her be natural like me, then to wear weaves.

  • Anonymous says:

    I really think there are several factors to consider when approaching this topic, the first being location, location, location! When I lived in a predominately black, professional city, natural was hot for the mens! They loved it! Now, living in Whiteyville, US of A, all I get are horrified stares from the few brothers present.
    The other factor I think we must consider is how the natural 'looks'. For instance, when I have no product in my hair beside oil, and there is some substantial shrinkage and frizz, I gets no play. But, when some Ms. Jessie's gets thrown in my fro to produce some curls, all of the sudden, lo and behold, the boys will come out to play.
    Last, but certainly not least, is the length check. I don't care what anyone says, guys like long hair-natural, straight, locs, weave, whatever texture, men like long hair.
    Please let me know what you think. Did I cover the most important factors men consider as shallow as they may sound? I know these things shouldn't matter to anyone, but I think this assessment is pretty much on point.

  • Anonymous says:

    This is interesting. I wonder how much of this has to do with geography? I live in the SF Bay area and I've gotten more looks, conversations, shout outs – even a "that's how you rock your crown" from the guy who sells bootleg videos outside of Target. I've rocked a twa 3 times over the last 14 years, I've also had locs and a perm again in that time frame, so I have a pretty broad perspective.

    I met my now husband shortly after my first BC…

  • Stasea says:

    It's just a fact of life, men like hair. It turns them on or off… Some can't get with the naps, some prefer slick and straight, because they, like us, have been programmed to view it as beautiful because it's been the dominant look for us for ages… But to each his own…

    With that said, When I first big chopped I got a lot of stares, smiles, from men and a lot of compliments from men, but not many asked for my # or persued. At the time I wasn't as confident with my hair, and I'm one of those women whose moods shows all over her face, lol. Now, 2 years later, my hair is really big (shoulder length stretched), my mojo is back and I get the same, really more attention that when I wore it really long and pressed straight or weaved up. The type of man who is attracted me is finally the type of man I actually dig…

    So I would have to agree with the poser who said I think it's about length not the texture. Which I think is great! Men don't disklike the kink, some just like it longer. But yea if he can't see your beauty regardless he's not worth your time…. Men wanna touch my hair all the time especially when I rock the blown out fro. I have to blow it out or its HELL, HELL I SAY to detangle, lol.

    If I had $10 for every time I heard, "I just love your hair. It's gorgeous. I am so sick and tired of weaves! They stink! And these lacefront wigs things look so fake!" …I'm not trynna be funny. I hear this from men ALL THE TIME!

  • Anonymous says:

    It is a scientific fact that men are visual creatures. All of them-black, white, latino, etc.
    They all like something.

    Some like straight. Some like curly. Some like fro's.

    Do you. If you want to wear straight hair, then by all means do it. If you want to rock it naturally curly or in a fro, do it.

    There is someone out there who will like what you are offering.

    One of the best-selling authors and rich black man said so and that is Steve Harvey. He said that there is a man somewhere that will want what you have.

    So, I would say, "It's all in the packaging"!

    Best wishes!

  • Anonymous says:

    As my fro gets BIGGER, I noticed that it has attracted ALOT of men lol. One guy that I've been talking too said my fro was beautiful which surprised me. But when I had a TWA I got no play smh.

  • Anonymous says:

    Well, this subject has been talked about a lot but I just wanted to add my opinion. I really cannot relate. I went natural in 08. Before doing so I got attention from men with a relaxer. However, when I went natural I began to get even more attention but I think it had less to do with my hair and more to do with my attitude.

    As as a natural I have felt proud of the person that God created me on a whole new level. I think the most important thing is to love the woman that God has created you to be and always project the internal love. If you don't love yourself or lack confidence others will pick up on that energy. Sometimes it's not the curly hair that keeps men away it's the lack of confidence to project when doing so.

    In addition, have you considered that maybe there are other factors that contribute to why men aren't approaching you? Maybe they are in relationships, are having a bad day or a myriad of other possible scenarios. I think it's a little shortsided to think that they aren't speaking because of your hair.

    The bottom line is that I think you should be authentic, true to yourself and true to the person that God created you to be. So, when the right man comes your way he will not exactaly who you are you will know that he has approached you for the right reason. Although, I understand your concerns, you want the right man to marry and have children with. Hang in there. After going natural, I met my husband. He loves my hair but most importantly he loves me. BTW I am a type 4b(no curly ringlets)and in my 30s.

    I wish you the best!

  • EmberRose says:

    Anon 1/7/2011 6:07pm:

    The cap locks are extra. Girl we're all right here and we can read just fine. No need for the caps.

    It's nice to appreciate ANYONE who is secure enough in themselves to appreciate people for the way they are regardless of color.

    White men definitely notice hair, same as black men notice hair. My white husband was excited when I transitioned. He wished I'd transitioned a little longer so he could have hair to play in but other than that he was excited about more time at home, less styling time in the mornings and more shower sex.

    There is a MULTITUDE of things wrong with society today as a whole. Please please please don't sit there like black men are perfect and have risen above the faults of society. We all have dirt. If you want to talk about black men in particular we can address all these children without daddies and this downlow business if you really want to.

  • Unknown says:

    I agree i think that you should be you au natural and all. If the right guy come along he will be proud to have a confident natural lady on his hands. The singer said we are not our hair. I find that to be true in some ways. Going natural gave me a confidence i never had before. Cutting my hair off and wearing a coilyor curly fro and those bad hair days. but then i say this hair style does not define me its a part of me. The confidence i have in my self and my hair is what makes me who i am even on bad hair days. so i respect you for posting this and sometime i feel that way. but a guy in most cases if he had to ppick a girl with straight hair w/ no confidence vs natural w/ booming confidence a good man who is looking for longevity will pick the one with confidence. Plus we can play in the rain lol

  • Anonymous says:

    I feel you should wear your hair and wear it proud. Don't worry about these men who are very cynical if they can't accept who you are.

    My personal experiences since I've become natural has been nothing but good. It seems like I get more attention from men now than ever. Men are consistently complimenting my hair old and young men. I am married but the compliments are nice to hear. My husband LOVES my natural hair. He couldn't stand the weaves but he loves everything from the afro to the twist because he knows it's all mine. Even when I am wearing my hair in protective styles I get compliments. I am finding men in Brooklyn, NY are very accepting of natural hair.

    So, I say ROCK your Curls and be proud of it.

  • Keyz says:

    hhhmmm….well….

    TAKE YOUR ASS TO THE WHOLE FOODS STORE! LMAO!! I swear I always get looks stares, stalkers, and beautiful black men approach me at least every other time that I go there.

  • Ebony_Essence says:

    I think it is sad that some women say they would straighten their hair to get a man. Really? Thats just sad. I'm not changing who I am, and how I decide to represent myself because of some uptight black man that has European views on how their woman should look. I love myself way more than that.

    I for the record, my experience is that I get WAY more men who try to talk to me since I've decided to go natural. My hair is wild and huge, and I wear it out with all the confidence in the world. Men love it. Everytime I go out I get at least one comment from a man about how much he loves my hair. So as someone said before, maybe it is all about the confidence.

    Going natural is one of the best things I have ever done for my confidence and self-image. Ive decided to accept me as God made me. Any man who cant accept that can kick rocks.

  • Erika says:

    I used to get NO attention with straight hair. So, when I made the decision to go natural, I had to mentally prepare myself for sixteen months by wearing extensions. When I did decide to "go fro," I was still a bit afraid that I would be doomed to a lifetime of loneliness. Ironically though, I get approached MORE now that my hair is natural. I think it had to do with the mental preparation. When my hair was straight I didn't stand out and actually, I didn't do much work on myself and my confidence. Now that my hair is natural, I feel beautiful. I rock my fro with confidence and no one can tell me that I'm not hot. Unfortunately, I had a bad experience with a hairdresser and some scissors so I'm rocking a weave. I don't feel as pretty and guess what? I'm not getting approached as much anymore! Bottom line: do what makes YOU feel beautiful and the men will follow!

  • DiJah says:

    I remember when I first started to transition, I was hanging out with a guy who loved the 'straight long hair' idea. Funny thing is he met me when my hair was in braids and would not get the point that that's how my hair would be for a while. He kept wanting me to perm it so it could be straight because he wanted to run his fingers through my hair. Hmm..needless to say, we are not dating anymore and I am still rocking my hair nappy!

  • Lovnmicurls says:

    I was really enjoying the comments so I have to add my two cents lol.

    I think the way your hair is styled can make you look like a totally different person. So maybe try different looks with your natural hair, but if you wear your hair natural most of the time, don't change it for some guy. You have already planned the date so the conversation and connection on the date should be more important than your hair style.

    I have been fortunate that my bf likes my hair natural better than when I straighten it. Straight hair makes you look like everyone else. I say embrace your curls! Maybe do really cute makeup, it always boosts my confidence.

    Too, a newly natural client of mine started wearing straw sets. At first her reaction from people was that they didn't say anything so she figured they didn't like it. Then a few straw sets later, it grew on them and she receives comments all the time. She straightened her hair for the holidays and a week later she was back in my chair. She said no one noticed her and she felt "average," the straw set made her different and interesting lol. So with all this being
    said. Maybe the fellas have to come around to the idea of natural hair. People have been brainwashed that straight hair is the only standard of beauty, but we know it's not! If he's the right guy, he'll come around. πŸ™‚

  • Anonymous says:

    I was about to do my Just Dance 2 (so I could wash my hair after I sweat it out :-)…), but I wanted to approach this and squash it hopefully…(Im the 23yo) I just wanted to offer the other side that exists, for me, to what was asked.
    No I don't have self confidence issues. What so ever. Actually because I don't is probably part to do with why I have all these older men trying to talk. Prob. bc they are probably confident in who they are, and know how fab. my hair is! Both married and not married lol. (But also I should add that 30s gentlemen in NY-Brooklyn have been amazing!! I get compliments all the time.)
    But compliments or no compliments, and all jokes aside because I am very sarcastic, I love me and my hair, forever! Nothing and no one is going to change that.
    From my big chop, to my Dad shaping up my hair afterwords (he was so cute he was happy for me!), to doing my hair independently since the BC, I LOVE MYSELF!!! So I wanted to be very clear about that. So me feeling invisible is just frustration that SOME of my age group/culture doesn't get how great natural beauty is. That's simply it. That should take care of the tears comment as well because it's not I'm upset that guys aren't talking to me, half of them are trash anyway, it's just that SOME (I tell my kids everyday some doesn't mean all!) are stuck in the long hair red bone phase, which in my opinion is just based off of what people have excepted as the "norm" to beauty…
    White counterpart issue… I'm a educator and you better believe that I rolled up to the interviews with my natural hair (whole other issue, but I say you better walk in with natural hair! It's who you are!!!). Twist out and all. I in the end had many job offers. Compliments or no compliments… I didn't change my appearance in any way. It worked and I got offers from many top school districts in my state.
    Along the way, keeping in mind I'm from a primarily white setting, that some loved my hair. Many have actually sat down and asked me about my hair, the process, and about African American culture and hair. Some of my friends didn't know. Trust I had plenty, actually too many pictures to show documenting this fab. journey!!
    Really, sadly, it's been my family with the most beef about my hair. That's what I would say hurts the most, my family being track city and receding hairlines. They tell me that my hair is "ok" now… But would prefer my hair permed, micros, laces fronts… any other way but how it is now. Some are warming up to it, most not so much. W.e like I said I'm happy anyway… My mom finally gets it though… now that she is balding πŸ™ and wishes she had done what I did a long time ago.
    To the racist comment, I for the first time in my life actually have to battle with racist mentality in my work place. Did I know it existed, yes, but I have never had to deal with it, everyday like this… That's another blog/topic lol…
    Until I meet the right person, I'm doing me to the fullest, going to school to further my degree, and try not to pick all of my hair out.<— This because I play in my hair all the time now! (Does anyone else do this?) I am more beautiful, confident, and literally in love with my self more so now then I was years ago. I absolutely LOVE every part of me and who I have become. I can't wait to see what my hair looks like, or if I'll chop it off again! So who ever in the future I end up with is one lucky guy! πŸ˜‰

    So yes, to Jeanine the right person will come along, no matter how old, or forever young (how ever you look at it) you are! I just saw a natural woman (she had BEAUTIFUL locs, I was so jealous) get married, in her late 30's… So don't worry, just do you and the right one will come along πŸ™‚

  • Sasha-Shae says:

    Hmm..I can relate in some ways. I do noticed whenever I'd press my hair I'd get a lot more attention from men, but once the kinks and curls and coils come back into play, only seldomly few really want to approach or say anything. However I do know men who absolutely LOVE my natural hair and hate when I do any form of heat styles.
    I'm in my 20s, and sometimes it does feel like can I find someone willing to accept me for me? But they are out there! Being natural can truly make you see how different men perceive hair. All in all, if a man can't accept you with your natural hair, then quite frankly he's just not worth it. A man will love you for you, all of you not just a part of you.

  • Anonymous says:

    January 8, 2011 12:33 AM
    Anonymous- ITS SAD THAT YOU FEEL INVISIBLE BECAUSE BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL AND I FEEL THE OPPOSITE OF YOU. I AM DARK SKIN AND I HAVE LONG NATURAL HAIR AND I GET MORE ATTENTION THAN MY LIGHT SKIN FRIENDS. SO DONT FEEL DOWN ON YOURSELF, JUST HAVE CONFIDENCE AND THE RIGHT MAN WILL COME ALONG. ALSO REMEMBER WE ARE MINORITIES AND WE LIVE IN A WHITE SOCIETY. ALL OF YOU PEOPLE SAYING THAT WHITE PEOPLE GIVE YOU COMPLIMENTS, MEANS NOTHING. WHITES MAY GIVE COMPLIMENTS BUT THEY ARE MOST OF THE TIME, THE MOST RACIST PEOPLE EVER. WHITE IS STILL THE MAJORITY SO THEIR LOOK OF BEAUTY WILL ALWAYS AFFECT OUR SOCIETY MORE. STOP FEELING ALL GOOD JUST BECAUSE A WHITE PERSON GIVES YOU A COMPLIMENT. FEEL GOOD WHEN A BLACK PERSON GIVES YOU A COMPLIMENT!

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm 38 yo blk single childless women and I too feel like my clock is on its last tick – lol. My last relaxer was in 2008. I didn't start wearing my hair in 2strand twist til I got laid off and couldn't make it to the salon every week. I don't love it but I like the easy maintenance. I get hit on by non-blk men and blk men over 40 when I wear my natural hair. White women love it. I'm still getting use to it. I don't think you should change to fit 'someone else' mold – be who you are and that right man will come along – God has a plan.

  • Anonymous says:

    I just had to comment on this. Several weeks ago I did a big chop because basically because of other preoccupations I had not taken care of my relaxed hair and most of it broke off. This was near Christmas so I had to go to the mall for shopping. The most bizarre thing happened–a very young, very handsome man actually "hit on me". I say bizarre because I am kind of old (47!), somewhat overweight and no one has noticed me for years. My daughter was cracking up. I say it was the twa!

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm 23 years old (even though I was asked for I.D today to see if I was 18 :-(, so I look young)… I've been natural going on 3 years now. I big chopped and everything. Before I big chopped I had a perm for years and was wearing a lace front… Big mistake. Anyway, case in point, I have 4C hair. My hair is extremely coarse. Sometimes I think of it as 4Z hair.

    Since I decided to go natural, I have been hit on, whistled at, stopped dead in my tracks to get my attention…But by men aged 40+. I'm 23 (keep in mind I look like I'm 17 or 18, which is a whole other issue as to why they may be hitting on me)… I kid you not! I'm being generous to say that there might have been 15 guys total that have hit on me in 3 years with my natural hair.

    Before I was talked to all the time. When I looked a hot mess, when I got my hair permed, or had on a not even that long lace front. Now… not at all. I would be so happy if I were 50 years old, but I'm 23.

    So I see what she is saying. I live in an all white community 20+ years, and work in an urban area… So I'm around all types of people. I love my hair and that's why I haven't put a track or lace front on my head since 3 years ago, but I totally understand. I joke sometimes that the Lord is playing a huge game on me by giving me kudos for my hair, but by old men that I can do nothing with lol. But still, to tip the scale here, I have felt this way for a long time.

    So to answer her question/thought… Do I feel invisible? Yes, everyday… It's not a coincidence in my world. Thinking about this could, if I take it there in my mind, bring me to tears. I'm darker than a lot of my friends (who are lighter, that have straight long hair that's theirs) and even though I have no issue with them, what so ever, I feel like being darker and having natural hair, for my age group is tough (and throw on the table being a Christian chick who keeps her legs closed/ born again virgin)… But I love myself and think I look beautiful just the way I am, 4Z and all.

    So I'm ok with being "invisable!" That is until the right guy… no man comes around, who can embrace and love me!

    …. Sidebar. To my surprise though my Cacausion counterparts have been so interested in my hair. Which I thought was interesting.

    Stay natural and fly ladies!

  • Samantha says:

    (Let me first preface my comment by stating that I am NOT on the look out.)

    I haven't had this happen to me at all. In fact I feel like guys stare and cat call at me just as much, if not more, now that I'm natural. Which was a surprise when I realized it because I fully expected them to be turned off by my appearance. But alas, the same type of guys who used to "aye-girl" me when I was relaxed still approach me now that I'm natural.

    I agree that the reactions you get may be greatly tied to the amount of confidence you exude, because men are innately attracted to confidence.

    I don't feel any less confident about myself now than I did when I had relaxed hair. My hair was short and sassy then and its a bit longer and just as sassy now.

  • musicurl says:

    I agree w/ Anonymous (1:56PM) the aesthetic of a location in (and out) of the U.S. does factor into it. I feel like when I'm in NY city, I get approached steadily while curly…even when I feel my naturally curly styles aren't in the best condition. When I'm in the Midwest (where I'm from)…not the same responses.

    Yet, I have confidence about my hair in it's natural state and it shows even when I'm not in areas where it's well received. So I may be approached by fewer men in a those areas if it's not straight…but still it's almost always the right kinda man. And that's what I want anyway.

    In those areas, I just carry an air like…Oh? You didn't know how fabulous this kind of hair can look on a woman…I'm sorry. Poor you. I mean really how would you act if you knew you were wearing the most amazing couture creation….that you also knew you looked amazing in and you were somewhere where people didn't get it. Would you throw something else on or would you rock it, look gorgeous and figure…hey they just don't get it. Oh well…I look great!

    As many people said above…it's the confidence! Be a woman like no other and the right man for you will be attracted.

  • Anonymous says:

    A couple of weeks ago, my husband kid with me that if people kept stopping me to share compliments that he was going to leave me. The compliments came from all races and both sexes. I'm married, in my late 30s with kids and I get hit on all the time! Men share stop me with my 5 inch fro all the time, way more than when I straighten my hair occasionaly. It took a solid year for me to feel confident about my new look, now, I can not see myself without natural hair. I get the most compliments when I wear suits and my fro at work. Contrary to belief, my nice size fro has not hindered my career at a major company where I'm visable as a leader. Confidence will grow during your journey or you will decide that your comfort lies in straightning your hair.

    1. Pray.
    2. Figure out what you are comfortable with and then be the best you with that style.
    3. Be ready to receive who God has for you, he may not look, sound or act like what you've picked in the past. Just get ready!

  • Anonymous says:

    @ AishaSaidIt so true. Perhaps it's the desperation of knowing that a milestone age is around the corner.

    @ Monika what a wonderful analogy!

    Confidence is key (says the 40 year old who will be married on God's timing).

    Use this as a time to weed out the fake from the real. Trust me you'll be happy that you didn't compromise because of a biological clock!

  • Anonymous says:

    I know exactly how that feels! I got my first blow out since being natural and right now my hair is BONE STRAIGHT! This week, more men have taken notice of my looks, and all my co-workers and students (I'm a teacher) say that I look better with straight hair. With my curly kinky hair I felt invisible, and now EVERYONE is noticing me. I'm trying NOT to feel bad about my natural hair, but I can't help but feel that I'm more beautiful with straight hair. Regardless of the comments, I'm sticking to my guns and rocking out my fro next week!!!!!! Hopefully with length, I'll get the confidence that I'm currently lacking πŸ™‚

    STAY BEAUTIFUL LADIES!!!! <3

  • Anonymous says:

    I feel like I can relate to both sides. I get tons of compliments from women and I do get a lot of attention from men. At the same time, I notice some men kind of turning up there noses…those are the ones that do have a straight hair preference, but I also believe texture has a lot do with it. These same men LOVE hair that is wavy or has a looser curl pattern. But there are those who pay attention just because you are different from most others and because of the confidence that is exuded by those that wear natural hair.

    I have to agree with Channing, I feel prettier with my natural because this is all me, what you see is what you get. So I probably exude a different confidence than I did when my hair was pressed or permed, which I am sure is attractive.

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm confused. Didn't this woman say she straightens her hair for first dates? Does that mean that these are blind dates? Otherwise, hasn't the man already seen her natural hair? Hasn't he already met her?

  • Channing says:

    Well I'm only 21 but I've had the exact opposite effect as the OP, I get hit on ALL-THE-TIME when my hair is in it's curly state, i'n fact the closer I am to my natural texture [i usually do streteched styles] the more I'm hit on. And when I do kinky twist whoo baby watch out!!

    When my hair is straight I get ignored, and i'm not just talkin less men approaching, I mean NONE! I went out of New Years w/my hair straight two seperate nights and nothing, not one person approached me lol I'm like daaang.

    But I also think a lot of the reason is because I feel prettier with my hair natural, it gives me so much confidence and when my hair is straight, even though i try to fake it I feel real…basic…average…and I think that comes across

  • Anonymous says:

    Ha, ha on the racial front. . . I had a white male attorney once tell me that he had to confess to me and hope I wouldn't be offended by the fact that he loved my hair because it reminded him of the strength and beauty of Angela Davis. He went on to say that he had always been enamored with her stength and intelligence and that her hair was a reflection of her unwillingness to accept anything less than being her true self and encouraging others to do so.
    I felt complimented in a sincere way, NOT BECAUSE HE WAS WHITE, but because he showed a sincere appreciation for what it means to be a black woman in this society. If he had been a Brother, I would have felt the same way.

  • Anonymous says:

    Well, unfortunately, sometimes race is a part of the equation. Some naturals have had experiences on the racial front when it comes to their hair. Last time I checked, this was a forum/blog to discuss issues related to natural hair. One shouldnt diminish or castigate other naturals for expressing their opinion and valid experiences. It's actually interesting to hear what everyone has to say. Whether one likes it, agrees with it or not.

  • AishaSaidIt says:

    Self-confidence and sexiness has to seep from your pours. I truly believe that men will love almost anything if you sell it right. (Ok..ok…I’m married and have been out of the dating game for a while, but back to my point) Did you think Hally Berry had a problem dating with a short pixie, when rumor has it men love long locks? Or the 1990s Lauryn Hill didn’t get hit on when she had her fat dreds? (Ok, what I’m about to say next may sound offensive but I write it with the kindness portion of my heart. You know like girlfriends do.) Maybe it’s not your hair but the β€œI’m 35 and I want kids” stench you are giving off. Or maybe you walk a little taller, or smile a little more with your straight hair swinging to and fro. Or maybe you just need to change your scene, we all have preferences. Just a thought, please don’t hate me.

  • Anonymous says:

    PLEASE STOP PUTTING RACE IN THE ISSUE. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT RACE! YOU SOUND IGNORANT WHEN YOU SAY THAT WHITE MEN LIKE YOUR HAIR MORE WHEN ITS NATURAL. GUESS WHAT… WHITE MEN JUST SEE YOU AS A BLACK WOMAN AND IF THEY LIKE YOU, IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR NATURAL HAIR. STOP GIVING WHITE MEN CREDIT FOR NOTHING. THEY DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BLACK. ALSO, STOP HATING ON MY BROTHERS. BLACK MEN ARE STRONG, EDUCATED, BEAUTIFUL, AND THEY LOVE BLACK WOMEN. I SEE BLACK MEN WITH BLACK WOMEN EVERYDAY WHETHER THE HAIR IS NATURAL OR NOT!

  • Anonymous says:

    I THINK THAT ITS JUST ABOUT LENGTH FOR SOME MEN. WHEN A WOMAN IS NATURAL AND HAS LONG NATURAL HAIR THEN ITS OK AND THEY GET ATTENTION BUT WHEN ITS NATURAL AND SHORT THEN THEY DONT. JUST LIKE WOMEN WITH LONG STRAIGHT HAIR GET APPROACHED MORE THAN WOMEN WITH STRAIGHT SHORT HAIR.

  • Rejani'sNaturalCosmetics says:

    I understand, but the type of men who approach me when I'm curly are grown men and very respectful. I realize you attract a more intelligent man who is not superficial. When my hair was relaxed, I attracted the "go no wheres" and "do nothings". Hang in there and remember what you are looking for has nothing with how you look.

  • Sisou says:

    I think you have to decide if you want to get a man or be in a longterm, open and happy relationship with someone you are comfortable with. Two very different goals. The second one requires that you be yourself including looking the way you feel most comfortable with.

    @anon there is a difference between sincere comments and creepy ones. Have you never had nonblack friends obsess,poke at and/or play with your hair cause they never seen kinky Black hair before?
    I bet people who don't like a lot compliments have pretty good reasons.

  • Informally says:

    I experienced the same responses from most men, until I met my husband. I wore my hair pressed forever, and then one day I decided to free the 'fro. I walked around the corner and he said "I love your natural hair…" We were not even considering being a couple at that time, mere acquaintances… My point – There are men that will love your hair in all forms. You just haven't met the one worthy of all your crown and glory…don't settle-he'll find you. ;o)

  • Breanna says:

    Well I've always dated interracially myself, but I've had black men and women give me compliments when I was permed and loc'd. If a black guy doesn't like it, who cares it's not about him its about me. Personally there are so many guys of any nationality that will definitely like you no matter what. I've also had many white men and women give me compliments on hair, even with it now being natural as well. I say just continue to be you and make sure that you come across as being confident and everything else will flow through nicely. On the side note, check out this gorgeous Puff and outfit on this fellow "natural" that I found. This has really made me want to up my game on the excerise regime lol….

    http://blkgirlsrock.tumblr.com/post/2636872237

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm 21 years old and about 5minutes away from DC. I don't know if it's because my university so close the Chocolate City or what, but I get way more attention when I wear my hear in natural styles. When my hair is straight, I barely get any attention. I just think maybe it's because there's less about me that stands out when my hair is straight, or something like that.
    Oh yeah, I've also noticed that older men approach me a lot more, as well as more diverse races. I like the diversity in men I attract, but I can definitely do without the grandpas lol

  • KekeCurly says:

    Im 18 and a college student and I ve noticed that guys- mainly the football players notice me whenever i do a flat twist out. When I started my freshmen yr, i had a press, but now I mostly wear it in my transitioning styles. I think I get it more now because i live in southern california where natural hair is RARE, in addition they are not a lot of black girls so i just stand out!

  • KeetaRay says:

    Very interesting because I get more compliments being natural than I did with a relaxer. ESPECIALLY when I first cut my hair. I was shocked by that, to be honest. In my own personal experience, it seems men are not as concerned about hair itself, as long as it's presentable. Men have told me they wouldn't like it but when I did it, they loved it. Even if they didn't I was happy w/my decision and felt so good about it that I think that confidence is what attracts the men, not the hair.

  • Chez Cerise says:

    I must be living on Mars because I have not noticed any difference from when I was relaxed to now or when I wear my hair blown out.

  • EmberRose says:

    Guys are noticing, just not the guys you want to notice. And honestly, if a guy doesn't find attractive with the hair that God/Gaia/the Universe gave you, then why would you waste your time with him?

  • AusetAbena says:

    My living on an all female campus makes me not notice when men ever approach me. But that may have to do with the fact that I am told I took 12 rather than my actual age of 21. Lol. Also, I have been natural the majority of my adulthood, since middle school. I really wouldn't know the difference.

    I like having natural hair, because it weeds out the shallow men who would approach me with straight hair. Not saying straight hair is bad, or that men who approach women with straight hair are shallow, but if a man wouldn't want to talk to me with natural hair, I don't want them to talk to me anyway.

    I would suggest that you don't straighten your hair on first dates. You are more than your looks. A man should get to know you before really knowing how much he likes you. Aside from your hair, beauty is fleeting (by beauty I mean youth). Just rock cute natural styles and be confident. Did you ever consider that maybe men are intimidated by your confidence? You did say you feel more confident with an afro.

  • Jay-Jay says:

    I've received the opposite. I've had a lot of men ask me am I mixed or just that they plain old like my hair. Then of course they ask if more small talk.

    I would'nt straighten my hair for some guy because hair shouldn't matter. I once thought to do this for a job interview but left it natural and I got the job.

    It's all about you being you!!!

  • e says:

    I may be one of the few but I didn't notice any difference in black male attraction/approach with my hair. I have been natural 8 years and married 1 1/2. I definitely got major responses from white people and black women with natural hair. My husband said the first thing that he noticed about me was my hair.

  • b. says:

    Cool beans, Anon…

    Like I said, I've seen that attitude too. It took some real maturing on my part years ago to know how to take a compliment, and that had more to do with my insecurity around other people.

    This discussion is interesting. I hope the OP gets what she needs.

  • lisa says:

    I do think you'll be approached more when your hair is in a straight or sleek style but I think who you'll be approached by may be questionable. lol. One of the things I love about my natural hair is I meet less of the men that I need to weed through for something I can connect with.

    It seems so silly because it's just hair and just the way you choose to wear it. But I think some men find natural hair intimidating. I think the spiel that it isn't as sexy is bs. From the above responses and my own experiences lots of fellas love natural hair. I actually think you stand out more with curls and fros because they're eye catching.

    I think the ones who say it's not as pretty and sexy are the ones who are intimidated by it. It seems ridiculous to be intimidated by hair. It's just hair. But I think the intimidating part is what Cosmo calls the fun fearless female. I think what natural hair says to the world is, I have made other things in my life a priority other than my hair. Do we spend a good amount of time showing it tlc and finding all the right products? Absolutely. But how often do you spend a sunny saturday at the hairdresser's? How often do you skip a workout because you don't want to wreck your hair? I'm not saying that relaxed women aren't fabulous and don't do the same things natural ladies do. But I know keeping my hair relaxed and flatironed did slow down some of my activity.

    I think for a man who is not strong and fearless himself, he is not going to be comfortable approaching or trying to date a woman that is. And that may be saving you more annoyance in the end. You should wear you hair however you like it best and you will meet someone or a few someone's that like it just the way you do. I understand that you want to have kids and don't want to be waiting around for this magical honey but you might find that you don't want to have kids with someone who isn't in the same mental space as you.

    I'm sure you look beautiful no matter how you wear your hair and that there are lots of fellas who appreciate your beauty.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think you need to be proactive and seek out a man if you want to be with one instead of waiting for one to approach you…real talk. HI think it is less about your hair and more about confidence in yourself regardless of how your hair looks. If he is that shallow about hair then you probably don't want to be with him.

    I had a long term boyfriend when I was relaxed and it was a good relationship but we were young so we eventually grew apart. I met my current boyfriend now with natural hair (I wore curled two strand twist on the first date). I met him online. I contacted him when I saw his profile…didn't wait for him to step to me because I new what I wanted. He liked that I was confidant enough to holla at him and everything has been great since (3 year mark and still going).

    As independent women I don't think we have to wait for a good man to step to us…we can approach a man based on what we want and we will be better for it. There hair will not matter when you do that.

  • Anonymous says:

    B.
    The comment was meant to provoke some self reflection. You can't have it both ways: wanting people to love your hair while repremanding them for acknowledging you. I know that all naturals are not the same because I don't act like that.

  • Anonymous says:

    I completely understand the feeling. I too have straighten my hair for a first date. I did this because everyone is use to my long permed hair and when i decided to do natural i started wearing it curly to hide the two textures. Needless to say he really like the straight hair but was pretty neutral about the curls.

  • b. says:

    @ Anon 2:05

    Newsflash: everyone with natural hair isn't the same.

    However, I kinda get what you mean b/c I have seen many many comments from ppl on blogs talking about how they wish people wouldn't make such a big deal (good or bad) about their hair.

    But that is far from everybody. Those who "have a funky attitude about compliments" are varied regardless of hair. It has to do with the maturity level of the person on the receiving end and with the tone of the compliment itself. Chemical application or the lack thereof doesn't affect that.

    As to the original question: Do what you feel is best to attract the type of man you want. If you think that looking cute by itself will accomplish that, I cannot agree. (Not saying that is your stance, but that is *if*.) It's my hope that you are placing yourself in places and participating in events/activities that will also put you in position to have conversations with men you seek. And don't forget to speak up yourself around the fellas. πŸ˜‰ Good luck to you and be your best self.

  • Anonymous says:

    ddb=dont date black.

  • Sweet LD says:

    I get tons of compliments by men of other races when my hair is in its natural state. Those compliments cease when I'm wearing a straight styles, but the bros are pretty nice also. I haven't really had an issue.

  • Anonymous says:

    Not meaning to be mean but how long have you been natural??? So you are 35 and all of the sudden, the reason why you can't find a man is because you are natural??? I think it is funny how natural hair is the blame for everything…I did not get the job, because I am natural; men don't want me, because I am natural; people look at me funny, because I am natural; I lost my friends, because I am natural…

    Indigo

  • DMB says:

    Yea I've noticed I get approached more when I wear my hair straight

  • Anonymous says:

    (Saying this as a now married women) I definitely notice the difference in the number of 'hollers' with my natural hair… But I get so much more love from my sisters! I mean when my hair was straight women never approached me to tell me how lovely my hair was but NOW, it's incredible…and it definitely means a lot being a New Yorker, considering strangers rarely shout you out lol. But I love my naturaly hair and don't miss the extra cat calls from 'America's most undesirables' I think it only says a lot about what losers value. If dudes are that bothered by your natural hair, they probably are not the ones you want to be with anyways…later πŸ˜‰

  • Anonymous says:

    You probably get more compliments while straight because naturals have a funky attitude about compliments…they don't want unsolicited comments.

  • Unknown says:

    (((HUGS offered)))
    Ah, ma chere, don't panic. I got married to the love of my life at the age of 36 edging 37 with a head of natural hair.
    Your natural hair can be a strong protector of your precious self. Imagine it as a broad shouldered security guard at the super-hot club at your place. Those men who have a superficial, stereotypical picture of a woman's beauty in mind will be blocked out and will so not join the happy hour with all the goodies offered.
    The one who will love you as you are will be rewarded with a seat in the VIP-section and some Piper-Heidsick champagne (yum), so to say.
    You will attract the man who loves you, your hair, the whole package. Perhaps he might not be what you expected, but he will show up for sure!

  • Anonymous says:

    I guess it depends on your where you are located, Im in Brooklyn NY and I noticed since my bc that guys with locs/twists/dreads look at me more now than before. DONT CHANGE YOUR LOOK FOR ANYONE, So many women get dolled up to get a man, then once she goes back to her regular routine (taking out the weave, etc) then they wonder why the man lost interest, cheat, etc!

  • sarah says:

    Anon @ 12.14p

    i have the EXACT same experience

  • Anonymous says:

    A lot of nonblack men seem to prefer the natural hair. I get rejected out of pocket by black men. When it was long and relaxed, they definitely liked it. I'm done trying. I love it and anyone who doens't love it isn't worth my time. I think that a lot of them don't want to see natural hair unless it is curly or wavy. Even having a lot of it doesn't work for them. I have never gotten a compliment on my hair from a younger black man. Only the ones that I think were coming of age in the 70's have complimented it.
    I get some black women who compliment it, and a lot of non-black people, male and female.
    So I think that you'll find you'll get more attention if you start paying attention to the men who aren't black.

  • Anonymous says:

    are you speaking about being notice by black men in particular? because, i've noticed a lot of black men might not be interested, but men of 'other races' don't seem to mind. (just my experience)…and if these men don't like your hair on the first date with kinks and coils, and you straighten, what happens after that? don't change for anyone.

  • Anonymous says:

    real talk…i would straighten my hair to get a man. period.

    wear your curly hair after you get a solid foundation.

    i am married…been married for 18 years now. in my early 40s. had perms for 23 years. i am now 20months natural. my husband is just now getting used to this. i would not try to tell any woman to try to get a black man (especially) to conform to liking natural hair in it's curly koily state.

    say what ya wanna say…the majority of black men aint feelin natural hair unless you are super duper gorgeouos with a fit body…real talk.

    so, if you are hitting 35, do whatcha gotta do girlfriend.

    notice…i did not say get a perm because i do believe once you land your wonderful man he will love you and your natural hair…once he gets settled to see how beautiful you are with it.

    i do think men can be trained. so, you map out this path yourself. women can talk about how ridiculous it is all they want, but the truth is the truth…and most of the women advising you either have a man already or don't want one.

  • Bree says:

    As it was said already, if a man is only worried about your hair as oppose to you, then you don't want him anyway. Why should you compromise yourself to get a man, sounds like you don't really like the "straight" look so why torture yourself and change yourself? You are already starting off on the wrong foot and not being true to yourself. Not to preach but you should get out of the "time is running out" mentality as well as long as you have life and breath in your body then it is never to late. The guys I dated really don't mind my hair either way as long as it is neat and decent. When in doubt change your location in terms of meeting a whole range of men in numerous locations

  • Anonymous says:

    I think it's a matter of your self confidence when you are wearing your hair natural. If you aren't confident, then men can tell and they won't be attracted to you either. When i initially BC'd I thought men wouldn't approach me, but once I got use to my hair and my confidence was up, I am always getting compliments from men. It's not always men that are trying to hollar either, sometimes they just come up and talk to me about my hair. So it all starts with you and how you feel about yourself.
    Serenity23

  • Leo the Yardie Chick says:

    All I have to say is this: if a man is so shallow that he will only acknowledge you if your hair is straight, then he is not worth your time. I know the clock is ticking, but I don't think you should have to compromise your true self just to snag a partner. It's not worth it.

  • Anonymous says:

    Some men seem to have issues with the texture, type or length not so much the natural part. Some men just prefer straight hair since that is what the majority wear and maybe they are not looking to be different.

  • Anonymous says:

    ironic. because i get such a different response here in charlotte where i attend UNCC. the men here seem to notice my hair in its natural state a lot more than when i had long relaxed hair…i get the slick comments like 'my sister' while throwing up the black power fist or just blatant stares in awe of my hair although it is still in its twa!!

  • Anonymous says:

    most men don't know what they like, until they've been shown something different. most impotantly, a woman that wears a smile, which exudes confidence, will get'em every time. when you see a man looking, don't wait for them to speak. speak to or smile at them first. most men perceive "natural" women to be different anyway and may be afraid to speak. your [smile] confidence will draw the right one for you my dear. by wearing a smile, it lets the world know "I like me and you will too because I'm a beautiful woman inside and out."

  • Anonymous says:

    Rock your kinks and coils….if he is only interested in what your hair looks like…then more than likely he ain't the one. I'm sure you have many other great qualities about you that men find interesting.

  • Anonymous says:

    Although I am married and my hubby was the one who initially encouraged me to go natural, I have found that I get hit on more by men of other races with my natural hair. I think part of it has to do with confidence. I know I exude more confidence when I am natural and this turns some men on, while others are intimidated. One of hubby's friends once told me he loved my hair but he was too scared to talk to a girl with natural hair! Trust me, you do not want those guys anyway! Good luck to you, always be true to yourself, and maybe try out e-harmony!

  • Anonymous says:

    When my hair was short and natural, I got lots of compliments from nonblack women. When my hair was relaxed and long, I got lots of compliments from black men. When my hair was short and relaxed, I got most compliments from black women. Now that my hair is long and natural, I get compliments from a wide range of people.
    I wear it up most of the time (either in a bun or a mop-a long puff), but my boyfriend has a thing about taking it down and running his fingers through it. He's never actually experienced it straight, because I VERY rarely straighten it or roller set it. I love it, which is the most important thing. the bonus is that my family and boyfriend do too. So, I say, just stick with being what makes you most comfortable. Let your true self shine through- that has nothing to do with hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    I feel like i've gotten more love from brothers while natural….At the club…in parties i get the"OMG, I absolutely love your hair"…or "can i please touch your hair"….and ive only been natural for 15 months so it's not like i have huge hair…
    I can't wait for it to be big and see the reaction…

  • Anonymous says:

    I found that guys like when I wear my natural. I"m currently in my TWA phase and get many compliments from men regarding my features (nose, check bones, etc). I feel like guys pay more attention to "me" versus my "hair" now.

  • KeepItMovingDotCom says:

    I don't know what it is men see when they see hair. I guess some have certain preferences but I got hit on more when I had a giant 'fro than I did when I was relaxed.
    I've been married now for two years and my husband likes my hair! He really loves that I don't spend two hours drying and flat ironing now!

  • KC says:

    I think it's funny— for years I wore my hair relaxed and long. I got hit on lots. Then my hair broke off. Then I big-chopped at age 17, and met my now-husband. When we started dating (he approached me), I had a TWA. Then I relaxed my hair again, and now it's natural again–full circle LOL. My husband says it doesn't matter whether my hair is straight or kinky, as long as it looks nice. Plus, he doesn't prefer short hair (which I've had during the duration of our 10-year relationship LOL).

    So yeah– be yourself and be confident. That's the most attractive quality a woman can have.

  • Anonymous says:

    It's crazy because Im approached by men of other races more now that i'm rocking my natural hair. Before, I always recieved attention. I think those guys just wanted the steroptypical "light skinned girl with long hair." I was bothered at first, now I could care less.

  • SPIRITUAL AWAKENING says:

    Well I say be yourself because the man that eventually becomes your husband will love you for who you are, not your hair.

    Dating can be challenging but just be true to yourself, that way you will attract men that are drawn to that confidence and will not try to change you.

    I haven't seen a big differnce, if anything now that I'm natural, I'm more confident and more sure of myself so I attract men that like that. I dont wear my hair straight but I do rollerset and there isn't a difference. I'm 30 and the men I'm around love natural hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    be you from the start. a gentleman will come along that will be attracted to the confidence you exude and he'll be attracted to the authentic you.

  • StaceyMarie says:

    I get approached more when my hair is loose or in a different protective style besides twists. I have been out with friends, in the grocery store, and at the club and men whisper almost erotically, "I love your hair" or "your hair is amazing". I even scored some drinks off of my hair! My boyfriend talks about my hair like it's his other girlfriend. I say rock it how you feel most authentic and the right man will appreciate the real you.

  • Anonymous says:

    Unfortunately, I can relate. It seems to not really matter when my hair is fierce "straight' or 'fro' the brothers are speaking, staring, and doing double takes, but when my hair is in its natural state and jacked up I get no love. Sista do whatever make u happy. Do you.

  • Anonymous says:

    Great topic..however, I've noticed just the opposite. Just NYE I was in Walgreens of all places trying to buy my last bit of over the counter meds before Jan 1st, now mind you I was rocking the best twist out I've ever worn!! This guy seem to be following me and finally he just said "Well Happy News to you!!" I thought is was soo cute, and not only that I've had several men tell me that they love my hair, and one even stated he wanted his wife to go natural. I understand that you feel that time is passing you buy, but let them see the real you!! They will have to eventually. I'm just saying….

    KinkyNappyHappy

  • Tiffany says:

    Yeah I have that issue too. It seems that black guys are scared of it and I get raised eyebrows from them. Then they keep treating it as if it is the elephant in the room. On the other side, the other guys I date love it. They think it's beautiful and sexy and often tell me they like it better than my straightened hair. Hmmm, sounds like that movie "Something New".

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  • Anonymous says:

    As much as you say time is running out. I think it's best to always be yourself. Wear your hair however you feel comfortable. You want to attract the kind of person who would accept you as a whole. Anyone who only prefers you with straight hair maybe not be worth your time.

  • Anonymous says:

    I get the most compliments when I am au naturale. I think older gents are more welcoming of the natural locks than the young ones IMO. I don't think you should have to straighten your hair on a first date. Be your beautiful natural self and project the image you want them to accept. And if they do, good, if they don't, let's move on. It's also a good way to weed out the crazies; the ones who appreciate natural hair are serious contenders.

  • Anonymous says:

    I can definitely relate. For a few months I worked hard to maintain styles that attracted men (in my case it's always been long, curly braids and/or cornrows that seems to drive them crazy). But the time, effort, and money necessary wasn't worth it. Plus the damage I could have experienced from the tight braiding wasn't worth it. And last but not least, when I really took the time to think about it, I had to be honest with myself about the fact that just because I got more attention didn't mean that the quality/caliber of men improved πŸ™‚ I may get noticed by a jerk but my "nicer" hairstyle won't turn him into the right guy for me. So for us natural ladies our best and healthiest option (for our hair and soul) is probably to simply be happy with our hair as is and hopefully the rest will happen naturally as well …

  • Unknown says:

    Im not sure if you even want to attract the guys that approach you while your hair is straight… It seems like you are comfortable with your natural hair, and wear it that way most often. just think, if you get with a guy that likes your hair while straight, you're going to feel really uncomfortable in your relationship (Something New scene in the car πŸ™‚ Pray about it, write affirmations of your love life, live in positivity instead of worrying…. and you can always move to St. Louis. They love 'em natural here! πŸ™‚
    Your happiness and peace will attract the right man. And it doesn't hurt to be a little more aggressive about it. Ask friends and fam for hook ups. Approach a guy your into. Times a tickin'!

  • Jarmelia says:

    If you want to wear your hair natural you should do so. I wouldn't straighten my hair just to get a man.

    Trust, any man worthwhile will give you the time if he is interested, regardless of your hair.

    I mean what are you going to do after the first date, when you want to wear your hair curly? Just be you from the beginning.

  • Anonymous says:

    Hmmmm…i find it to be the opposite. I see a lot of men just staring at me sometimes, and saying hi you doing my "sista" its like they have a different type of respect for me when I where my hair in its natural state. I have been in clubs, where men come up to me, and WITHOUT my persmission touch my hair LOL. Some men just stare at me….last night a guy at a gas station said to his friend, "Man she is beautiful"….I think my natural beauty is just shining through, and I have found it very freeing to be accepted as I am in my natural state with my hair curly and beautiful πŸ™‚

  • Rox says:

    Not only do I notice a difference in the amount of times I'm approached when rocking straight vs. natural hair but also a difference in the types of men who approach me with straight vs. natural hair. Some of the guys that love when I had straight hair didn't like the 'fro or locs while some men like women with hair in its natural state. I guess it's all about preference and awareness/acceptance.

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