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Curly Nikki

Self-Concept Thursday!

By January 27th, 20219 Comments

Self-Concept Thursday!

Faking It: When Everyone Thinks You’re Happy But You
by GG of Peace, Love, and Pretty Things

A few years ago, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I was absolutely miserable. I was clingy and co-dependent. I didn’t feel capable or worthy of anything good. I was obsessed with the idea of being betrayed and left alone. Every time I got in my car, I thought it was going to crash. I was convinced that I was a horrible mother and would ruin my children’s lives. My finances were a complete nightmare, so I was always in crisis mode. I was needy, resentful, unhappy, and afraid. There was this overall theme of fragility in my life. Everything around me seemed totally unstable and false.

But from the outside, it probably appeared that nothing was wrong.

Only my closest friends knew that I was depressed. It’s not that I didn’t talk about it at all, but I bottled most of it up because I didn’t want to burden anyone. To the outside world, I was happy, healthy and generally a positive person to know and be around. I’ve always been a happy-go-lucky kind of person, so I wanted to remain that for people as much as possible. So, I put on a happy face and secretly marveled at people who seemed to have it all together. I’d wonder how they weren’t haunted the way I was. I thought my state of mind was outside of my control.

Depression is real. If you have a cold that you can’t shake, you go to the doctor, right? So if you have a sadness that won’t go away, you need to see a therapist. You are not cheating on God if you seek professional help. In fact, part of my confusion had to do with my spirituality and relationship with God, so I wanted to speak to someone neutral in that regard.

Through counseling, I realized that I needed to get back to the fundamental basics of who I am. Not as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, friend – just as a human being. I tried to think about a time when I was truly happy. What am I good at? What excites me? Comforts me? Sustains me? I thought about the qualities that came very naturally to me that I always undervalued like compassion, openmindedness, and empathy. I had to wrap my mind around the idea that I was made this way for a reason, and that I could use these qualities to make a positive impact on the world.

Within this idea that I could actually be loveable just the way I am, I began to see a glimmer of light. I’d spent so much time being sad over my supposed shortcomings that I couldn’t see all of the ways that I shine. Once I learned to reframe my mistakes into character builders, the things that once made me feel like an outsider began to be the building blocks of my authenticity.

Have you experienced anything remotely similar? Have you ever seen yourself behaving a certain way and wondered “How did I get here? Why am I behaving this way? This is not who I am!”

There’s no shame in admitting that what you’re doing isn’t working. Don’t be afraid to question everything you were taught and create your own happy. You may need to change your environment by giving up people, places and things that bring you down. We’re so used to being around negative attitudes and negative talk that we often don’t realize how much it affects us. But once you start to see it, trust me, you will begin to move in the opposite direction. When we fill our space with abundant thinking and positive actions, we are inviting happiness and peace into our worlds. All it takes is a choice – a decision to see the world and your life differently.


  • KM Johnson Davis says:

    Thank you for posting. Also know that there are Christian Therapists as well. Speaking with a Doctor that utilizes biblical knowledge in their approach to helping one through depression is a wonderful and unique way that God has gifted some people. It is always a good idea to seek "wise counsel" when going through any type of situation that is leading you into depression. I am not a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Therapist of any type but I am a Christian Life Coach, and I believe God has placed His people in these position to help others. Stay Encouraged and Stay Blessed!

    ~KM Johnson

  • Anonymous says:

    I feel like I can definitely relate to the current article. I am taking an antidepressant now and have been toying with the idea of counseling but have yet to start. But I do feel that this is not the best me. I know that I am the better than this. Having involved myself with a married man and gone through so much drama with this man, my self esteem has really taken a beating. Still struggling to shake this relationship but I know that I am better than this.

  • slv-thenaturaldiva says:

    As someone who has suffered from depression off and on I can so relate. Therapy saved me! Initially I was embarassed and did not want anyone to know. Especially my family because I grew up hearing those medicines make you crazy, will cause you to commit suicide, and with the thought that I should not talk about inside problems outside. All that is ridiculous!!!!

    I have learned that my depression is just like high blood pressure or diabetes. If you dont take your medicine it will get out of control. Depression is treatable!!!!!

    Counseling challenging my thinking. I had to make some very hard choices but once I dealth with those my life has been so much better.

    Stop carrying all the weights by yourself allow someone else to help you.

  • Unknown says:

    Great post. A lot of ppl are embarrassed to admit when they are depressed or scared that no one is going to take them seriously. It's okay to feel that way, life can be hard at times and being Superwoman in every situation is just an unrealistic expectation.

  • Bree says:

    Thank you for this post. I can relate to this right now. I've realized that I am stuck in my insecurities and these are holding me back. Before my current boyfriend, I had no one to talk to because everyone in my life was coming to me about their problems, that by the time I wanted to say anything about my problems, it was overshadowed or never heard, so I kept my feelings bottled up.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, that has been me for a while. Only focusing on flaws or how I don't measure up. I have so many gifts and blessings, but I only choose to see the negative. It's difficult to take control of one's mind/emotions. Fear can become a habit to the point where it becomes our normal reaction. Gotta train ourselves to instill positive habits and rewards for ourselves as we step out in faith. 🙂

  • Jessie =] says:

    Thank you for this. I have felt this way time and time again and didn't know how to verbalize how I am feeling.

  • Patience says:

    There are so many free sites out there that people can access that have been developed to help people with anxiety and depression. If you cant afford a therapist or for those in the UK (the waiting list is too long) or you just want to try tackling the low mood on your own first then these sites I use with patients in my line of work may be useful. They have been developed by professionals who are leaders in their field and they are tested and found to really work based on cognitive behavioural therapy. Remember, it is not your fault you are depressed, sometimes it happens. And you are most definitely not alone. Recognise it early so you can deal with early on. Best of all they are free.

  • Tamakaj says:

    Thank you for posting this, i feel the way your did right know and my friends true to form are trying to help me overcome my thoughts, I am thankful you posted this, it makes me feel like i too can come from the dark and into the light. Peace and blessings;)

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