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Curly Nikki

How Do I Fall in Love With my Kinky Hair?

By January 27th, 202134 Comments

Melissa writes;

I’m a fairly new natural. My last relaxer was at the end of August 2010 and I big chopped June 13, 2011. I hate to say this but… I don’t like my kinky hair. I believe I have 4b hair with a little bit of 4a in the back. It’s really dense and it’s coarse with thick strands. Going back to relaxers is not an option because my scalp can’t take the burning of the chemicals, which is why I went natural after over 20 years of relaxing in the first place (I’m 26). Currently, I get my hair blown out and straightened about every three weeks and my hair is thriving and growing. I haven’t seen one split end since I cut off the relaxed ends.

So my question is:

How do I fall in love with my kinky hair? I feel like I’m missing the boat that all these other curlies are on. Can anyone throw me a lifesaver?

34 Comments

  • akidnamedapplesauce says:

    i was the same way! my goodness. I have been natural (non-relaxed) for a while now but have never really wore my natural texture out. If i did wear my hair unstraightened it would always be pulled back. Straightening my hair became tedious and unproductive because it would always sweat out. Finally, this summer it was so hot and I was just so..tired of the heat that I decided I would have to LEARN to deal with my hair. I had been unsuccessful for so long that I didnt have any hope really but I couldnt do the heat anymore. The first week I HATED it, I felt that it was not the most flattering thing, but again heat was definitely not an option, so i rocked it. that was probably about a month or so ago. My hair has come a LONG way since then. I admit to being a product junkie in some ways lol, but like the other Curlies said, I really am learning to love my hair. Kind of, almost borderline obsessive, but not quite there yet, hopefully I never get there! My hair is almost like a new toy, not that I play in it so as to waste a style (ugh) but it is just amazing. I feel free-er. It is so important to iterate that everyones hair is different BUT it is kind of a rule of thumb that heat is NO bueno for hair! You spend a lot of time growing out your natural texture(we have similar textures apparently, wish mine were thicker like yours), just to incur heat damage when you do finally learn to LOVE it!
    My advice: I've been there. Just plunge into it! One day just do a wash and go! My style of choice one long month ago was twist (bad idea for my fine hair) but then it was braid outs (decreases shrinkage) because I wanted length so desperately. Now, however, I am a HUGE fan of bantu twist outs! The y give me a little of the lengtht that twist outs dont seem to AND i love the definition it gives my hair, plus they dont seem to take me as long as braid outs. IN LOVE. *PS I dont know if it helps, but I use shea moisture now (for fine hair obv.) and coconut oil is a MUST for my hair. and good ol' water* simple, but nice! I really hope you learn to love your natural texture! good luck!!!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Sounds like I have about the same amount of hair you've got, maybe a little less. I cut my hair back in April and I LOVE the hair, the texture, and the curls, but I hate the length and I think I look bad with a short fro. I'm not discouraged, though, because I can see how beautiful it'll be when it grows out. I consider myself to be a transitioner still… I'm just using yarn braids until I get to a length I'm comfortable with. I haven't worn my natural hair "out" yet, but it's growing! It's okay to want long hair, just take care of what you've got and when you're ready to wear it out you'll be fierce!

  • Anonymous says:

    I actually went natural back in 2004/2005. (Can't remember the date. My hair dresser moved and I didn't want anyone else doing my hair.) I actually went with braids, then I went to weaves. Next I pressed and wore it straight. (But hated sitting in the shop every 2 weeks) So, I chopped off the press and wore it curly. Well, I haven't found a style that is flattering to my face when its curly (not just because of my hair, but becuase I'm about 30 lbs overweight now). So, I normally wear it in a weave. My hair is still natural and growing underneath. My opinion… Do you! You have to weigh the pros and cons about the how you wear your hair. But you have to do what you like and what makes you feel good.

  • markeshia ricks says:

    I think people have to be realistic about why they're going natural. They also have to be real about their expectations. When I first went natural more than 4.5 years ago, I saw a wonderful article about this woman who admitted that her hair grew in "nappier than expected." After months of devouring pictures of people with natural hair, particularly very defined curly hair, she was a little taken aback when her hair didn't come in anything like the pictures she'd been looking at. Now mind you some of those pictures were of hair textures that were nothing like hers, but some of them were pictures of people who had learned the process of manipulating their hair to get a desired look. Did she give up? No. She grabbed hold of her inner self and said, "This is who I am. If I don't figure out a way to love it, why should anyone else?" "Going natural" is so faddish nowadays. Fads come and go. Fads also expect instant gratification. If you don't learn how to handle your hair (which is a process)I think you'll be disappointed. But if you truly want this experience there has to be something inside of you that says that no matter what I think right now, I'm going to brazen this thing out at least a year and make it work because I'm not going back — at least not right away. I think it takes at least a year to reset your mind's eye so that you stop going to the mirror with the expectation of seeing your old self. But maybe that's just me…:-)

  • Anonymous says:

    Nappturology 101 is a great blog to visit about kinky hair. She (NappyMe) also has a forum dedicated to kinky, type 4 hair. There are also some amazing fotki's out there–kinky hair is more versatile than you might think. Check out EbonyPrincess, Mooks-hair, and Sera25 for example, they have great pictures. Good luck 🙂

  • Michelle says:

    It takes time to get used to it…I did not love my TWA… Once, I started seeing the growth and started experimenting with products and style, I grew to love my natural more and more… It is hard to enjoy it, when you're so used to having straight hair, but seeing how natural hair is much more healthier and how it can grow makes it easier. Also, sites like this and watching YouTube videos were my biggest influences. Seeing what my hair could be if I took the time and patience to care for it made me want it so much more!

  • Onedayatatime says:

    Psalm 139:14 : I will give thanks unto thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: Wonderful are thy works; And that my soul knoweth right well.

    Write that out and stick it on your mirror.Love is a choice and not a feeling.Bad hair days happen but i chose to love my hair even when it doesn't look how i like it.

    The key is to familiarise yourself with your texture as we are fearful of the unknown.The more you know your hair the less to be afraid of even f you keep blowing it out at least you will be used to your texture. Be encouraged! XXXX

  • Ishea says:

    I don't think you have to "fall in love" with your kinky texture. I think you should fall in love with the idea of having healthy, thriving hair! And it sounds like your'e on the right track. No matter what our natural texture is, I think it's important to understand that some kinkier styles may not be your thing and nothing is wrong with that.

    I think playing around with your hair in its natural state will help to increase your appreciation for it… but don't stress yourself out if you aren't obsessed with your curls.

  • Anonymous says:

    After I big chopped in 2009 (I've relaxed and coloured about 13 years), I thought my hair would grow back with fantastic curls. No such luck. It grew back really slowly and I hated it. No curls, nothing that was defined or anything. But I stuck by it. I promised myself I would give it a year. I really didn't know my texture and I was obligated to myself to get to know my hair. So I at least could say, I gave it a try. Well knowing that relaxing was not an option (after thirteen years it burnt my scalp!)So I dove in to the world of being a natural. Sometimes with bad results but often with good ones. After a year I realized I needed to get my own routine, just like when I had my relaxers. What worked for some people might not work for me.
    We are two years later and I like my hair. I still some times love it and some times hate it. But when I start to think about relaxing or hot combing, I realized that when it was straight I had the same problem. Sometimes loving my hair and other times hating it. I think it just comes with the territory of having hair.
    What I'm trying to say is give your natural hair a chance. It takes time to get to know it or even like it. But if you don't give it a chance you'll never know.

  • Anonymous says:

    After I did my big chop a year ago I have never felt more beautiful. To fall in love with your hair is similar to falling in love with a significant other. You need to get to know each other and find out what they like. I would suggest trying twist outs or braidouts since you like your hair stretched and that way you can add curl definition. But at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy and if that's straightening your hair in a healthy way have at it. I have the same hair type and I promise you it gets better! 🙂

  • Um just saying says:

    So basically, you big chopped in June and its August 1 and you've straighten your hair (presumably about 2-3 times). Are you kidding me? How do you expect to learn anything about your naturally kinky hair if you've continued to straightened it since you big chopped, let alone "fall in love". You cannot fall in love with something you have never truly given your heart to (since we're likening "fall in love" to *swoon* "fall in love")so to speak.

    It will be close to impossible to adjust to a new look that you're really not giving yourself a chance to become acquainted with. this is the perfect time to rock your natural, because during summer things feel a bit more relaxed and you can play with different styles and rock a wash and go, etc…also, the beauty of being natural is to become comfortable with your thick course hair, not alter the texture with straightening tools.

    Though you say you cant go back to a relaxer, you may want to reconsider your stance on wearing your hair in its natural kinky state and stick with straightening your mane.

  • Anonymous says:

    I was a pressed natural for a few years. One summer I got tired of sweating out the press, so I tried wearing it curly. Started with rod sets, then straw sets, then twist outs which kinda eased me into my natural texture. It allowed me to get used to seeing my face not framed by straight hair and learn how I liked to style it.

  • Anonymous says:

    A regimen can really help with learning to love your curls. That one time of day that you put aside to show your hair TLC. As you begin to see the changes and growth in your hair you will appreciate it more. Also finding a style that you love without altering you natural texture will help you to see the versatility and parts of your hair that you do like. Finally, I encourage you to fish for compliments and when you to get them, act as if they came freely and cherish them all the more because someone saw something beautiful in you and your hair that you didnt.

  • Anonymous says:

    I love my hair, but I don't always like it, lol. There are just going to be bad hair days, and you have to accept that.

    How long is your hair? You mentioned that you big chopped in June, but your last relaxer was in August 2010. Depending on how much you chopped off, you could have anywhere from less than an inch to 6 inches of hair. You might be in an "in between" stage, where you don't really have a TWA, but you also don't have what would generally be considered long hair. I think this is an awkward time for many naturals. My hair is very different now than it was a year ago, because of the weight of all of the extra inches of hair, so while you may not like it now, you may like it more in a year or so (or, you may like it more if you chop some of it off). If you don't want to have to deal with "in between" hair, you can continue to straighten it, or you can get a wig/weave/extensions put in until it gets to a length that you like a little more.

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree 100% with Pecancurls. At the end of the day it is YOUR hair. It is something that God gave us to enhance our beauty – whether we wear it straight, curly, kinky or whatever. If you don't feel beautiful with it with it in it's natural state, then wear it so that you do.

  • Anonymous says:

    …do you have to fall in love with? I just thought about that as I read your question. and I am asking myself the same thing, do I have to love my big gigantic hair?

    well, for me, I do love it, but sometimes my hair gets so big, I feel a little embarrassed. So, I guess I don't always love my big gigantic hair.

    As soon as I get enough money, I am buying myself a chi. I would like to wear it straight and am waiting for it to get cooler so it won't sweat out.

    I have been natural for two years and it is and has been fun and exciting.

    So, I ask the question, does wearing your hair straight make you any less natural? I think not.

    The thing about me perm free is FREEDOM…freedom to wear it up, down, twisted, untwised or straight. So, girl, you are free to do what you will!!

    Oh, and if you like you might try a twist out if you want a break from heat. It would probably suit your taste!

  • Anonymous says:

    There are so many cute style options for every hair type and length but practice and using the right products for your hair are key. Maybe you can try playing and experimenting with your kinks on the weekends or on 1-2 days prior to your salon appointment. Sort of like dipping your toe in the pool before you take the full plunge.

  • Anonymous says:

    The idea that the closer one is to white (the white race) the better is so deep rooted, it's going to take time to reorient your thinking. Emerse yourself with veiwing images all the beautiful people that look you, knowing that God didn't make a mistake when He created you, and He's hurt that you are not happy with your uniquely beautiful self! Learning how to do what dajewel1982 said, deep conditioning and moisturing your hair etc. is very important to making peace with your hair also. Good Luck.

  • Anonymous says:

    your hair is a part of you! not loving your hair means denying a part of you. do you love your skin knowing that it's so very different from others? im sure u do. ur hair will follow in time. all u need is time and patience.

  • NaturalHairDon'tCare says:

    Loving your kinky hair will take time, being relaxed for so long and not really experiencing your natural hair, its just a psychological thing and you will adjust. I appreciate your honesty and believe me, you're not alone. There are many women that find it hard to embrace what they have naturally and there's nothing wrong with that.
    Choosing not to wear your hair in its natural state doesn't make you any less natural than me or any other natural. Being comfortable and confident with what you have is the most important thing. Love yourself first, hair is just an accessory.

  • dajewel1982 says:

    i understand. i have 4 type hair. i have fallen in love with my hair. for me, seeing the benefits of deep conditioning, using natural products, sealing, rinsing in cold water, protecting has helped me fall in love with my hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    You can't hurry love! ITA with Sarah.

  • PsychoticShadesOf Green says:

    It was love at first sight for me <3 The only thing I can say is if you dislike your natural hair that much, just keep straightening it. If its healthy and growing then you are good! Plus you'll be happy with yourself and that's the most important thing!

  • pinkgirlfluff says:

    Honey chile, let the water hit your mane and let the force of fro be with you! lol. No really, you have to see yourself with your hair for a few days to really dig it if you haven't already. I loved my hair from the chop but everyday was not a love fest. Not because of my hair but because I was feeling insecure in general.

    Sometimes the best way to conquer a fear is to face it head on. Jump in and swim! Worse comes to worse, you feel not so sexy for a day or two but at least you'll know what you are comfortable with. If big ole hair is not for you that's ok. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

    I do hope you start loving it in every state because our hair is truly magnificent!

  • Anonymous says:

    i look at other naturals with hair like mine and search through pictures of different styles. I dont care much what people think of me in the sense of stopping myself from doing something because of that. But i do get crazy joy and life when a person compliments my hair particulary when I am not feeling so fond of it. it makes me step back like what am i missing. i often would wear my hair in its most natural form while exercising out side, because im going to look like who done it anyway.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think you should be patient with the love lol* and find pics of kinky hair via hair blogs/fotki/tumblr/youtube and continuosly view them, kind of like letting in a mental flow of kinkiness loool. Then like another has said allow yourself to play in it. Maybe the day before you straighten have a wash day where you leave your hair out and familiarise yourself and play with it. It might just grow on you 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    I kind of agree with Sarah. I feel in love with the feel of my natural hair but that does not always happen while you're wrestling with it or blowing it out straight or styling it.

    I say sit on the couch , relax and let your fingers play with in your hair. Feel the kink and follow the curl. Caress it and get to know it.

    It may take some time. You need to accept your natural hair as it is NOW and grow to love it.

    Believe me, you're not alone in feeling like this. Good luck.

  • Unknown says:

    I agree with Sarah. I think it's hard to fall in love with your natural hair when you don't have an opportunity to play in it. I liken it to a dip in the ocean. You can wade in up to your knees, determine the water is too cold, and then head back to the beach. Or, you can go a little further until it actually feels good to you. These things take time. Now, once you've "gone swimming" in it for a while, if you STILL don't like the texture, then maybe you'll have a better argument for yourself about why you're not in love with it. At least then you can say you tried it.

    Be encouraged. 🙂

  • Nikia says:

    maybe you should try stretched styles? My daughter's hair is kinky, and while I think its beautiful, its definitely more difficult to manage when I let it shrink into its little curls. Frustration can lead to negative feelings about your hair. Ever since I started keeping her hair stretched, it retains moisture, length, and minimizes the amount of tangles. No more frustration.

  • mangomadness says:

    How do you learn to love it? I don't know. I loved mine at first sight. Maybe other can chime in to help…

    If you don't like your natural texture, learn to love it…or alter it (heat, chemical processes, etc). Do what makes you happy!

  • Anonymous says:

    You could try playing in your hair a little more to get used yuo the texture then you might find that you do like out but really if your hair is healthy and you are happy however you style your hair is fine.

  • Anonymous says:

    how can you fall in love with your kinky texture if you never wear it kinky?? no shade to you straightening your hair, but it stands to reason that if you never really see, touch, feel, know you hair in it kinky state because it's always straight, then you'll never really get to understand or appreciate it. in the beginning, my new texture was something so foreign to me, because i had been getting it relaxed for years, so i can't say that i loved my hair at first sight. but, after a year of touching it, yelling at it, taming it, sucuumbing to it, i then grew to love it. it's just like finding the one… some people believe in love at first sight; others think it takes time. but you must take that time.

    every time i touch my hair, i fall in love all over again.

  • Pecancurls says:

    I say do what makes you happy. If you are happy doing the blow out and it works for your lifestyle, then don't try to force yourself to fall in love with your kinky hair simply because others have done so. You said your hair is healthy and thriving. At the end of the day I think we are all striving for healthy hair —- no matter how we decide to style our hair. One size does not and should not fit all.
    Sorry, I had no pearls of wisdom to share:)

  • Anonymous says:

    At first I felt the same way, and that was after 6yrs of no perm and getting it blown out and straightened… I think it takes time for you to fall in love w/ your hair.. and even then it will not be something that is certain.. you just might not like your texture… Even today after over 2yr of no heat whatsoever I still do not "like" the texture of the hair that grows at my hair line, it is very course and feels CRUNCHY.. I absolutely dislike it…. I don't think about it too much, which is hard because ponty tails are my staple style of choice (it's so easy!) I just bare it as much as possible with the hopes that this section of hair will begin to grown in and tranform to be like the rest of my mane..

    HTH.

    Str8Curly

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