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Curly Nikki

Self-Concept Thursday!

By January 27th, 20215 Comments

I’m a Lover Not a Figher

“No one else ‘makes us angry.’ We make ourselves angry when we surrender control of our attitude. What someone else may have done is irrelevant. We choose, not they. They merely put our attitude to a test.” – Jim Rohn
One day I’m going to reach a point where I can have anger directed at me and not respond with anger. I’ll be able to keep my cool with zen-like control and understanding. I’ll be able to look past the angry words and raised voices to see the pain and confusion that exists underneath it all. It’s not that I won’t feel anger, but I’ll be able to handle it in a purposeful way instead of lashing out and/or bottling up my feelings. I’m not there yet, though.

I don’t like who I become when I allow negative feelings to take over me. When I feel attacked, I act like a victim. My ego completely takes over. I lose sight of what really matters. Being right becomes more important than being aware. Basically, I allow factors outside of my control to dictate how I feel and how I behave. And this goes against everything that I’ve learned about spiritual and emotional health.

So, should I just condemn anger? Or never stand up for myself? That doesn’t feel right either. We must acknowledge all of our feelings.

Consider the following excerpt from Health and Happiness Boosters:

“At every given moment, we have a jetstream of feelings operating below our conscious awareness. By bringing those feelings into consciousness, we begin to acquaint ourselves more fully with our deeper selves, and increase our capacity for joy by experiencing the full range of our feelings. For if we cut ourselves off from any feeling, we cut ourselves off from the capacity to feel all others as well. To truly know our joy, we must also know our anger, our sadness.”

So, how do I acknowledge anger without allowing it to take over? I’m still figuring it out. My intention is to always speak with purpose – whether the discussion is contentious or not. Does getting loud and angry make someone appear stronger, tougher? Maybe to those who are only observing the surface. But sustainable strength lies in quiet concentration and focused intention. Art of War, anyone? The more I see someone ranting and raving, the more foolish they appear to me.

Here are a couple of the tactics I’m working on to control my anger:

Detachment – When confronted or tested, step outside of yourself and the situation to view what’s really going on. Our egos tell us that if we are being yelled at or disrespected, then we must retaliate or lose credibility. We must realize that staying calm and intelligent in heated situations is a virtue that is self-preserving and powerful.

Self-Talk – Typically when we’re reacting in anger, our self-talk goes something like this: “WTF? Who does he/she think they are, talking to me like that? Are they crazy? It’s not my fault! You’re lying! You’re not listening to me! You hurt me! You’re full of s**t!” All of these defensive thoughts fuel our anger. The following thoughts would help to calm us down: “I can’t control what someone else does or says. I’m strong enough to deflect negativity. I can communicate my feelings without acting out. I can better maintain my power by staying even tempered and thoughtful. And finally, WWJD?!?!” (That final thought there stops me from doing A LOT of self-destructive things! Just sayin!)

I read somewhere that “…the more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”

What do you think?

How do you handle/diffuse anger?

Do you think it’s necessary to be loud and aggressive to exert your power?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.


  • Anonymous says:

    I can totally relate to this. It reminds me of a quote "the strongest person is not the one who can beat people by wrestling (I.e. Fighting), it is he who can control his anger" Prophet Mohammed. Also another wise peace of advise I was given is "the harms of others can only bother you as much as you let it." That was just so empowering for me to learn. It gave me control over my emotions, and in a sense, more control over who I am.

  • Anonymous says:

    I know I am very very late. But, I had 2 incidents this past week. 1 on Saturday and 1 today. Usually I am pretty good at controlling my anger and the situation – but because my woman hood was on….lol – I thknk I let both get the best of me. Them DAMN HORMONES!!!! Okay so Saturday – this lady started yelling and continued to yell at me at the pharmacy. So I started off being nice and ended up telling her to sit down and wait (i.e. your basket of meds will be the last checked!!!). Then on Sunday – my sister in law (instead of talking) called me and hollered about my baby! HELL NO!!! Okay so, I called her to pick her up early 8am to prevent this and she said – OH NO – I want to keep her until afternoon. So afternoon came and she called hollering – so I told her where to go, how far, and to kiss my a……. So, after me and hubby went to pick her up – she asked if I was coming in the house and i said NO!!! I should have said "HELL NO!" and then we left…..

    So I am going to have to work on myself or either get a sign that says "don't f..k with me this week"….LMBO!!!!!

  • Melodee A says:

    I can honestly say that my temper,attitude, pride and mouth have at times made me ashamed of how I have acted in the past.

    I constantly work on keeping my temper in check and trying to discern what's being said that has really upset me. Lord knows that it isn't easy, because that paragraph about Self Talk is all me!

    I don't think that it is necessary to be aggressive or loud to exert power. If you constantly have your mouth open you aren't listening. We should be slow to anger, and slow to speak and eager to listen so that what comes out of your mouth has meaning.

    I think prayer, music, maturity, exercising and just being happy and content with who you are is key.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have been aware of my anger issues for awhile because of my MOM. She totally over reacts to things and it is quite embarrassing at times. Seeing this my whole life prompted me as an adult to try and gain control over my anger. I just recently went back to something I did as a teenager. LISTEN TO UPlifting Music. It really helps me. I love Kirk Franklin.
    Just recently my husband made me angry & I blew up for 5 minutes but then I stopped & just put on my headphones. It takes me at least 15 minute to calm back down. I was proud of myself. The next day we were speaking just fine.
    When I used to have problems with job supervisor many years ago, I began to write in a journal. It really helped. Now we get along pretty good.

  • Rachel says:

    I was just in a altercation and sadly enough I read this too late in the game! I do not know what it is that makes me feel like I have to react/respond to silly comments. Now that I have read this, I now have the tools to respond the correct, sophisticated, glamorous way!

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