by Sherrell Dorsey of OrganicBeautyVixen.com
Sunday afternoon, as I sat in a local cafe getting some work done, I came across writer Demetria L. Lucas’ article on Essence.com titled”Real Talk: Stop Putting Your Daddy Issues on Hold”. Lucas speaks about the 82% of Black children that will never live in the same house with their fathers. WTH?
Lucas references the trail of “Dear Daddy,” a feature-length documentary about the lifelong effects of fatherlessness on women, and the importance of a father’s role. Filmmaker Janks Morton followed eight young women from Washington, D.C. as they struggled to overcome the absence of their fathers.
Unfortunately, I’m part of that statistic of fatherless children. Although I am proud and blessed to be an adopted child, if my father would have been responsible, I would have grown up with my “family”, but he never came for me.
I wanted to share my pain with not having a father in my life because this article I read hit me hard. The older I get and more comfortable in my own skin, I have realized that there are still certain things that I must heal from in order to move forward. Getting over my daddy issues is one of them. But let me ask you: Do you ever really get over your daddy issues?
I have a great mother, uncles, cousins and brothers but it does not equate to having an actual, physical father. There is no stage in life that you can “get over” not having a father.
I’m reminded of it when I look back on my past relationships, when my best friend can call and talk to her dad about car repairs and dreadfully when I do find that perfect man and have to walk down the aisle solo. It’s a constant pain that thumps faintly and then spikes when the situation arises. If I could take a pain killer I would but nothing changes the heartache of a fatherless child.
To get through some of this heartache I’ve decided to write my own letter to my “Daddy” to say everything I’ve always wanted to say. Though I won’t ever be able to say this to his face, it feels nice to bring it out and to the open.
So here it goes, my moment of release, therapy, and final eviction of all of the pain, emotion and years of resentment I carried for my father.
I haven’t decided if I am going to send this letter to him yet. Maybe after this heart wrenching phase, I’ll get the strength to. We’ll see….
Dear Dad,
Even using that word brings up images of pain, lonely nights and years of questioning why I wasn’t enough for you. While I am working to forgive you and my mother for being human, the question remains: How on earth could you abandon me?
I needed you to help balance out my female-dominated life, be there to give me the talk about boys so that I wouldn’t have to suffer through my current state of bad relationships and empty voids. I taught myself how to ride my bike, had a first boyfriend my mother had to interogate and when I became a debutante I needed you to be there to dance with me down the isles instead of my grandfather. You were supposed to be the first man to tell me that I’m beautiful and help me to know myself before anyone had the opportunity to label me. I was supposed to be your “little girl”.
I needed you and you didn’t care. How does one sleep at night not knowing if their own flesh and blood is breathing, eating, safe and secure? I’m not sure if your lack of presence was a blessing or a curse. My pain runs deep just like it does for my other brothers and sisters you’ve managed to abandon as well. You brought disfunction into my life. My siblings are strangers. You were the first man to break my heart and I’m struggling to not hate you.
A man that puts himself last does not abandon his family. What would you have lost by being in my life? I wasn’t a troubled child. I ate my veggies, became class president and even put myself through college. Your minimal contribution is an insult to who you could have been to me.
I’m sorry that you missed out on something and someone so great. But I guarantee that I won’t let your actions break me. I pray for my husband to be the father to my children I never had. That my daughters know the comfort of their father’s arms, his voice, his love, his care.
One day I’ll walk down the isle without you again by my side. But then again I’m used to it. Thank you for the pain because without it I wouldn’t know healing, I wouldn’t know love, I wouldn’t know God.
– Sherrell
Do you have a letter that you need to write to your father? This was one of the most difficult posts I’ve ever written. Please share with me your thoughts, letters or simply your story.
Sherrell Dorsey is a natural beauty expert, writer, speaker and advocate of health, wellness and sustainability in communities of color. In addition to creating OrganicBeautyVixen.com, Sherrell writes beauty articles for Tyra Banks’s beauty and fashion site TypeF.com, Jones Magazine, MySalonScoop.com and Posh Beauty. Follow Sherrell on twitter at www.twitter.com/organicvixen and connect with her on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/
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Dear,
You have no salutation and I honestly feel indifferent about that, this letter is not for you to feel good but it is for me to heal. I stopped asking myself long ago why? I know life can be hard, I, for one have experienced life and have bumped my head on numerous occasions. The first letter I wrote to you was very angry asking why? But then I looked at where I am in my life and how much I have been blessed to become WITHOUT you and I smile, in spite of the hardships, hurt head, feelings and ass (from falling). You made the decision to leave and my Mommy made decision to stay and hold up not only her end but YOUR END of the bargain also. I am currently completing my masters in Social Justice and am looking at enrolling in Ph.D. program within the next 3-5 years. In your absence I have found father like figures to happily take your mantle up and be the example of what kind of man I want in my life. Some boo-boo’s may get past the gate but they eject themselves willingly from my life.
I know life doesn’t pass out play books or offer you ways to cheat but you did. You cheated me and you cheated yourself from the Christa experience. I remember I used to be so happy when you called but that mutated to rage at what I felt what was your utter worthlessness. Damn. I have no idea what you look like but in my heart I wanted to kill you absolutely dead so that the family you have now would get a taste of what my last 31 years without you have been like. Anger while at times feels good sometimes yields nothing. If I killed you what would that benefit me? A. Nothing and B. a possible extradition back to Jamaica to be held in Jamaica’s crumbling penal system. You are not worth it. The same indifference you offered/ offer to me I, in turn, give back to you.
A relationship is a two way affair and when one person wants to attempt they often get discouraged by their partner’s lackadaisical attitude about the journey. So I no longer want to go anywhere with you because your history tells on you. Your history of selfishness, unreliability, and ineptitude towards me as a father quickly cancels the thought. One day I’ll walk down the aisle without you again by my side. But then again I’m used to it. Thank you for the pain because without it I wouldn’t know healing, I wouldn’t know love, I wouldn’t know God. Happy belated Father’s day Bombaclut.
Bless you ( I really mean it 😉
CDW
well my name is falon , i am 12 now i live with my mom… she is the greatest thing in the world to me, my dad :/ well thats another story… my dad does drugs , been sent to jail lots of times got my mom pregnate twice, and when my mom used to live with him he would beat her ! one time he came home from work, and my mom made him dinner , because thats what he expected when he got home. so my mom sat in her usual corner, because she didnt know what mood my dad would be in when he came home , so he walk in the door and sees the rice she made , then yells "what is this!!!!!" then he takes the bowl of steaming hot rice a throws it in her face. my mom thought she found the right guy but no. now she lives with my step-dad , well hes not really my step dad, my mom isnt maried to him, but anyway she had 2 more kids and they are my siblings, yes they are a pan but i gotta love them… my dad doesnt pay hi child support , but yet he expects us (me and my sister) to go visit him! you can say that i visited my dad times before but all those days in elementary i would ride the bus home and look out the window to see those kids running to their dads yelling "DADDY!!" That would make me sad , and most nights i would lay in bed wondering how much diffrent would my life be if my mom never met my step-dad and had kids and if my dad would have just been there and actually paid his child support? i would honestly tell anyone who asked about my dad that i grew up without him, my mom is a wise women and i love he with all my heart!
i want to tell my dad the way he left me and what hes done, but that would just make me seem like im holding a grudge , but they say forgive and forget. so im going to forgive him for all the terrile mistakes hes made, but im never going to forget them.
Woah! Great post. I also am a woman that has never known her father and yes, I have dealt with similar issues: dating older men, low self-worth, trying to please everyone, abusive relationships, etc. etc. I have even written a book (yet to be published) to share my story and heal from the pain of father absence. It is a very real thing that too many women never "deal with". Honestly, after all these years (I'm 37) I still don't think I will ever be completely over it. I am thinking about looking for him. Maybe if I can just see what he looks like – look him in the face and ask why he decided not to be in my life, it just may bring some closure. Thank you for sharing your story. This has given me the push I needed to move forward on publishing my book
Just as she said, his presence in her life may have been more of a curse than a blessing. Not all present fathers are good either. Just remember you will never be abandoned by our Father, our Lord in Heaven.
These stories really hurt my heart. I hate how common it is. Both of my parents had troubled upbringings. A heroine addicted step dad on one side, and abandonment by BOTH parents till the age of 4 on the other side. I have two long lost uncles, and 3 half aunt/ uncles. But they made things work, and have been married with 4 kids for 27 years. I am so serious about having a good daddy for my kids.
As far as me and my father, we grew up in the same house, but for most of my life he was still a stranger. He just worked mostly…no real conversations or anything. i can imagine some of your pain to an extent, because when i left for school out of state, my entire first year he never called. I only had my dorm phone because I could not afford a cell then. People could call me long distance but I could not call out. That really hurt me and I realized that it felt like I did not have a father at times. Things are a little better now, but that was something I had to cry out. Like, how could you sit next to mom while she talks to me and feel OK never making an effort? Don't you miss me? It was always my mom at events and talking to me. I never had that talk about men and life, and have almost NO memories of him early on even though he lived with us. It was always my mom and us and him working. And that is sad, because I can remember back to age 1. No lie.
So my husband will have to be both present AND involved.
^^^^
@ Anon 4:53: I had the same experience. Don't let a painful past destroy your future. It was not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Stand proud. Help is available. You don't have to go through this alone.
I grew up with a dad, but sometimes wish I hadn't. Some days were good, others pretty bad. He was physically abusive to me only and not to my stepsisters. This gave me and still does a lot of emotional issues. Thanks for sharing your story. You are brave.
“I’m sorry baby, I gotta go”
It’s late day I think, as the sun sets
Standing on the side of the road, my feet planted on the cooling concrete
You
Walking away to your car
Me
Trying to figure out what went wrong
Three years
Three years you were all mine
The center of my universe, my axis, my north star
There were others besides me, I knew that
But you were mine MINE
You love me right?
Love.
It’s when you get outta bed at 2am because I’m thirsty
It’s gently picking a splinter out my tender big toe
Foot tickling
Rides in the Caddy on a hot day, windows down, music up, singing
“Send me forget me nots…”
Love is letting me sleep under your chin limbs thrown over you no matter how hot it is
So why you goin?
Her.
Yelling Cussing Accusing
Making you go
Shut up!
I can’t hear for the pulse pounding in my head
Unreleased tears fall backward and drown my heart
The pain creeps up my throat
Around the back of my head
Into my ears
I want to throw myself on the ground
Scream
Rage
Cry like a baby
I want to hit her for making you go
Wait!
Please just stay
Til Wednesday
Take Me!
Please please please
Please.
Take me with you
No
You have to go
My first heartbreak
But I won’t cry cuz crying is for babies
And I’m a big girl
So I’ll just stand here
Watching you
Watch my brokenhearted face
in your rearview mirror
Daddy.
DADDY!
Wait.
Heartbreak: The First
-a.paine
"I often think about the tragedy of the fact that when he dies, I'll feel no void or loss because I don't know him." Anonymous 8:10
This is EXACTLY how I felt when my "father" died. It was a month before my 23rd birthday and I felt NOTHING. No sadness, no anger….just nothing. I didn't even want to go to his funeral, but my mother felt differently We argued and I love my mother so I gave in to make her happy. At the funeral I didn't cry, I was actually waiting for it to be over with.
I have no words just feelings. Maybe because tears are ready to flow from the number of the posted comments that I feel I could have written myself. Just when you think that you're the only one experiencing these emotions, you find that there are so many others feeling the exact same way. Beautifully written. Kudos to you for sharing your story. It really allows others to continue healing just as you are. At 40, my dad wants to be a father. Why now? I have mixed emotions about it. Feeling numb at this point. Hopefully there will come a day when I can express myself in words to him and walk away stronger for it.
This is a great post, but it's also a very sad one. It pains me that so many of us have to go through this. Interestingly, I think that I'd have more daddy issues if my father WAS in my life.
I am 27. My father left my family when I was 4, and I am the oldest child. He has tons of other children, two who are older than me by a year or two, and several that are younger. He is a toxic person and is STILL up to no good. For those children whose mothers allow him to come in and out of their lives, they have no great prize. What I've been denied is not his presence, but his love and good character. Even if he was around, I'd still be without his love and support, so it's best that he's not in my life. He occasionally calls my mother to ask how me and my brother are doing. He knows that he's missing out, because my mother has raised us to be successful and educated. But he's still never attempted to reach out to us. He's never apologized. I see friends with fathers, with DADS, and I wonder what it would've been like. I often think about the tragedy of the fact that when he dies, I'll feel no void or loss because I don't know him.
Like AishaSaidit said, I have had younger siblings with different mothers try to reach out to me. I've ignored them. I sometimes wonder if that was the right decision. To acknowledge them would mean that I'd have to acknowledge him. I am fortunate that my mother was strong and guarded me, these children were not so lucky. Some of their mothers were up to no good as well, and they allowed him to come in and out of their lives. As a result, my life is very different from the lives of the several half siblings that I'll never know.
Wow. I just spat out a lot of random thoughts. lol
To Alex, I can relate. Regretfully, my dad was in my life, too. He was a terrible father and actually uses the defense that "at least he stuck around.". He now publicly congratulates himself about "what a great father he was." None of the children agree. We are always privately battling him (he is in the public eye) and not speaking to him. He's so desperate to be seen as a "good father" that he tries to control us with money. People have often said we were "lucky" to have him as our father. Well I have been in therapy for 20 years, since my dad whipped me like a slave for "fornicating". Nevermind the fact that he was a cheating on my mother and drove her to an early grave. Ouch, don't feel sorry for him his ego won't even allow him to comprehend the damage he did to his family.
I cried reading this; This really hit home, and I know the pain you feel. I recently got in contact with my father after 35 years of not knowing anything, but his name. It was really emotional for me. I just always assumed I would never know him.
Wonderful story! I grew up in a married, two-parent household in a middle-class community where single-parenthood was non-existent, though sometimes at a price. My father was funny, charming, very supportive financially, taught me and my sister to ride a bike, bought us a puppy, picked us up from scouts and all the other picket-fence stuff, but he was a drunk.
It was terrible growing up with fun-loving, ambitious and affectionate Dr. Jekyll and unpredictable Mr. Hyde who berated my mother, drank away our savings and publicly humiliated us on too many occasions to count. He faithfully went to work every day, a ton of loyal friends and civic and social activities but every night drowned himself in a bottle. And therefore just like Jekyll and Hyde, was half the man I needed him to be.
When I was younger I prayed for a healthy father, one who made it home safe at night from whatever bar he was at. As I got older and angrier I prayed my parents would divorce and at my lowest that he just wouldn’t come home, dead or alive.
I have always had a loving though painful relationship with him and now in his 10+ years of sobriety continue to love and cherish the best parts of him. But I’m still missing that unresolved other half that still won’t acknowledge what he put his family through.
What my father could have done is committed to getting help, dealing with his problems instead of tormenting his family anfd making us the target of his pain and the reluctant clean-up crew. The result? Me, my mother and sister have inherited a trauma we didn’t invent, from an unknown source of HIS and have had to spend many years trying to repair the emotional damage it has inflicted on us. Happily we are all finally on great paths, but it was work. And to this day, I still wish my parents had divorced when I was younger. I loved this story, though I don’t connect to it entirely, I believe absentee fathers are just part of a larger conversation about unhealthy people ill-equipped and unwilling to challenge themselves to be better parents and create better, healthier children. Everyone's stories were wonderful.
You are a brave woman! I appreciate your story, I understand your emotions and I say that the best way to deal with this is to do what works for you. I cant really get into this thing the way that I want to right now otherwise I would end up writing a thesis paper, but what I will say is that we need to keep the discussion going on this topic. It's important and we need to lift the shame and embarassment surrounding it.
All I have is a photo of my father. When he found out my mother was pregnant, he was out of her life forever. He knows my name is Danielle, and that's it. I only wish that I could find my siblings, they didnt ask for this. I deserve to know who they are. They dont know that their father was a cheating liar.
I'm 36 and just discovered what city my father is living in and that he has another child who he actually took care of. It's taking me too long to get on the ball and find an address.
Wonder how I might feel now if I'd had a Dad who thought my brown skin and curly hair was beautiful.
This letter really summed up everything I've wanted to tell my father. But I could never put it in the right words.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing. I can't imagine how hard it was to post that letter but still, I thank you.
I too was raised by a single mother, a woman that was gracious and resilient and showed me I didn't need a man in my life to validate my inner self with almost everything she did. I don't think about my father much, mainly because when people make me a non-factor I return the favor after I've gotten the hint.
Sometimes I think my emotional distancing from people, especially men, stems from his abandonment. Not to mention the civil but emotionally hostile relationship I had with my ex-stepfather.
Having lost my mother to cancer some years ago I am still putting pieces of myself together, because to be honest that shattered me in more ways than one. I know now more than ever that I have to work through my parental issues and plans are in the works but when she first passed I wasn't in the least bit ready for that step.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories also.
Thank you all for sharing your stories and pain and making me feel loved. It was certainly not easy to share this with the cyber universe. I think that at some point I may send this letter but I'll hold on to it for a while.
Whether your father was in your life or not, daddy issues can still have an effect on how we treat ourselves, the types of men that we date and how we raise our sons.
I pray that all of us are healed from sharing our stories, forgiving our fathers and moving on to right those wrong decisions in our lives simply by forgiving ourselves for what we didn't have and making the decision to be proactive about our relationships and our lives. I've had to take a step back and change my decisions and even reach out to my friends with healthy relationships with their fathers for advice.
My biggest fear in dealing with my father has been trying not to hate him because he was/is a womanizer himself with children up and down the coast of California, never really in any of our lives (maybe the child of his wife's in which we are 2 years apart), but does use the "L" word liberally. Does he love us? Maybe. But maybe his father never showed him how to be a father either.
While some of the separation was my mom's fault, he also did play a big role and there is no excuse for not fighting for your child.
The older I get and the more that I understand the more the pain begins to subside.
Thank you again for allowing me to share my story so openly. I'm blessed for Curly Nikki and for all of you for your love and support.
I'm 36 and just now dealing with my "daddy issues" My father lived in the same city as my sister and I and I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've seen him. I know the terrible choices in men and terrible relationships I've chosen to remain in are a direct result of me not having a father. I wanted to be loved and feel special by him and never got it… so I pursued it with disastrous results. It's a shame because I really am smarter than that! Like a lot of the women above me I am highly educated, successful and pretty independent, but some days… more than I care to count, I really wish I had a father to call and to say I love you.
I will never understand how a man, a parent could live in the same town, heck the same suburb! as his children and never reach out, never call, never anything. My mom never spoke ill of him and never kept him away. She did a pretty good job with my sister and I and he can't take any of that credit.
^^^Edit^^^ I also chose emotionally abusive and unavailable men because of my experience with my father.
I commend you for putting your feelings out there for the world to see. My only hope is that you move on and heal from your past pain.
I consider myself to be extremely blessed, because my mother married my father and they are still married. My dad is a good father overall and I still love him very much. I guess my story is a little unique because although my father was here physically and did the things he agreed to, he was emotionally abusive to me as a child. The only reason I found this out not too long ago was because I see the way he treats and speaks to my younger siblings.
I repressed all the things I saw and felt as a child and never expressed the hurt that I experienced because I didn't know how to put it in words. My hope someday is that I move on from my repressed anger. I will be praying for all you ladies and myself included. These "daddy" issues that we have is all too common.
I can definitely relate to not having your father in your life. I spent most of my life waiting for my father to arrive so that he could make me feel special and like a princess. As a result, I did the same thing with men. I thought I needed a man to feel special and this has lead me into some dark alleys. Whenever, I felt neglected in some way, I always looked for him to come and protect. To tell me that he loved me and that he thought I was specail. Always wanting his attention but never feeling worthy enough of it. This has played out in my life by choosing unworthy suitors and so forth. It has affected my life in so many ways.
It took me until this article to see how not having a father has affected me. I'd have conversations about this with my (ex) best-friend who also didn't have a present father. I didn't think it had any bearing on the person I was because I wasn't the "typical" girl with daddy issues. I didn't (and still don't) sleep around or look for love in the wrong men. In fact, I'm the opposite- I'm afraid of love. I want it, but I don't see it happening for me (I've never even had a real boyfriend). I did have a father figure when my grandfather was alive. He did all the typical daddy things with me, but he died when I was 4 🙁
AishaSaidIt…my sperm donor (I won't call that "man" a father) has 2 daughters that wanted to get to know me at his funeral. Like you, I had (and still don't) have a desire to have a sister relationshiop with them. It's the opposite with us though because I'm the youngest and their older.
Megan…I agree with you 100%. I can't and never will understand a man who doesn't fight to keep his children in his life.
I think I somewhat conquered my daddy issues when I got to meet my father later on in life and realized that I might be better off not having him in my life when I was younger. He has some mental health issues and I just can't imagine me being the same person if he had been around. Who knows, maybe your life would have been better had you father been around, but it just as easily could have been worse. (something to think about).
(PS I think Anon 12:51 is the same evil heifer that made the negative comment on Valencia's C-section story. I refuse to believe that there are THAT many petty people. I'll be ignoring her from now on.)
For the writer I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but at the end of the day it made you into the woman you are today. And from what I can tell you seem to be a great one. I thank god that my father was in my life. My parents werent married, but he was in my life and is to this day. Thats what parents are supposed to do. The one problem that I have is the excuses that people make for men not seeing their children. For example someone mention that the mothers run off the men. First let me say that "I HAVE SEEN WOMEN ATTEMPT TO DO THIS" but NO ONE I mean NO ONE can stop you from seeing your kids!!If a man is that weak to allow the mother of his child to stop him from seeing his kids, that makes me question him. I know that my mom would walk through hell and back for me if my dad didnt allow her to see me and my dad would do the same as well. So thats complete BS! There are many avenues that a parents can go throughto see their kids.They can go through the courts or they actually sit down with he mother and have a heart to heart and talk about whats best for their kids. There is no excuse for not seeing your kids NONE!
Amazing story! I wrote a similiar letter 7 years ago. I held on to it for 3 months. It kept nagging at me. So I searched the net and found his address, and I sent it to him. He responded…It took a lot of healing, forgiveness and prayer to get through the roller coaster of emotions. As a result, I am a better wife and mother to my boys…. I had allowed the absence of my father to almost ruin the life I was blessed with. Thanks for sharing your story.
I commend you. I am 27. Never knew my father, actually I don't remember ever meeting him until I was 16. I worked at a car dealership as a receptionist and he walked in with his 'family'.. I only knew it was him b/c we are twins and he had my last name on his work coat. So I asked him if he had a daughter… and he looked at me… he slowly said yes and said my name in a whisper like he didn't want it to be me. We exchanged numbers, we spoke twice over the next 10 years. I moved to ATL in 2006, and found out that I had an older brother by this man. My brother reached out to me and said that he wanted to be a part of my life… I hesitantly agreed to have him as my brother… I do not regret it one bit… My brother has been the best thing to ever happen to me, he is the epitome of a big brother, a gentleman, a wonderful man.. everything that my father never was/will be. Last year at Thanksgiving, I saw my father again and he had the nerve to say a few things… "you know I love you right?"… I'm thinking, DO I!?!? NO SIR I DO NOT KNOW THAT!!! And he proceeded to say "you need to do a better job at keeping in touch"… ME?!?!? It took everything in me to keep from saying so many hurtful things to him. My heart was hurting for one, my brother was standing there with me and I didn't want him in the middle of it, and I didn't want to let that man see me hurting.. he didn't deserve that! Just a few months ago, I asked my brother if I could have that man's phone number… I've not called him yet! I plan to write a letter and read it over the phone… or perhaps in person! Nonetheless… I'm me without him. I'm beautiful, my mother did an amazing job raising 3 children on her own, she made sure that I never needed for a single thing due to the absence of my father… I'm happy, I'm a successful college graduate, I'm enjoying a wonderfully blessed life without him. His presence would have helped a great deal, really! And, I could use some tips about men, but I'll ask my brother – even if it makes him cringe! But I refuse to leave this earth without letting this man know that he hurt me.. besides, what if he doesn't know.. then I've never given him the opportunity to right his wrong. Although, I suspect that it's obvious!
*tipping my hat off to you and all of the other wonderful woman that survived without a father*
My heart goes out to all the ladies who have not had the type of father every child should have.
Just know that you are amazing, tremendously loved by the people you have put close to your hearts and admired for your strength. I appreciate your willingness to share your stories and experiences with us. Each of you have been thrown a curveball, but have managed to hit a homerun. Keep on keeping on! Peace.
I spent my whole life believing my father didn't care about me, that he didn't want me. I was raised by my mother's grandparents and when I was 19 I found out they had moved us around so much when I was little so that my dad couldn't find us and that when he sent anything for birthday or Christmas I never saw it. There's actually nothing wrong with my dad (well, except that he's white and has kids from a previous marriage. Which is a cardinal sin according to my grandmother.) I didn't even know I was half white until I was 18 and asked for a copy of my birth certificate and shot records!!! So of course I immediatly contacted whoever I thought could get me in contact with my dad, moved up to live with him (well actually my half sister since she has a bigger house) and haven't spoken to my grandparents outside of a few minutes on the phone every few months because my entire cchildhood was a lie. I now live less than a block from my dad and we meet up regularly for lunch and drinks and he tells me his side of the story and I tell him what I was told.
Sometimes, it's not your dad's fault.
^^^ Amen! I wish this negative anonymous poster would take all of their negative comments off Curly Nikki.
@ anon 12:51
The author has been brave enough to open up her heart and publicly discuss an issue that is obviously very important to her. Why would you pick this particular opportunity to point out a spelling error in her story? Very unkind and very unnecessary.
Just wanted to ask another strange angle. My father's daughter attempted to contact me last year. I think she wanted to get to know me as a sister. I kind of laughed at the thought. She sounded like a kind person, but honestly, I had no desire to get to know her or share anything about myself. I told her not to worry about me and to focus on the family in front of her. Because that was exactly my plan once I hung up the phone.
She did ask me what happened between be and my dad. As if I walked out on him or something. I didn't take offense because to me she's just a kid. I told her that from my understanding when my mother was pregnant he didn't want children. (so lucky her, right?)
It sounds cold but I am not a "big sister" nor do I want to be; I am just me.
Some of us, once abandon, just wants to be left alone.
Nope, no father in the house. He decided he didn't want me when my mother was pregnant. My husband's father is a rolling stone all over Jamaica. So no blood line grandfathers for my daughter. My uncle took me to my debutante dance. Many many years ago my mother told me not to miss what I never had. Sounds harsh when I type it but it was totally true for me. I have family and it has gotten bigger as time has passed. My daughter has a step-granddad (she doesn't know of any difference) and a great-granddad. So don't cry for me :0) I'm good. We are all good.
— Just wanted to share my side, thanks
After 38 years of being on this earth my father has decided that he wants to get to know me….along with revealing other secrets such as fathering another child. I always prided myself on how secure and grounded a person I have become. In this process, I see myself becoming an angry, hostile jumble of a mess, everything I don't want to be.
Honestly, I feel knowing him is not healthy for me. It makes my blood boil to know he has the ability to raise one child but abandon the other.
I have one for you. I am my father's only child…My father came back when I was 11 years old and it took 5 years for me to really acknowledge him as a dad. From 16 to present, I have had the hardest time having a relationship with my dad because of……MY MOTHER! My mother, who is currently married to my father, will not allow my father to be a DAD to me…Fancy that. We have a family full of women and she wants to play the "single mother" role when she really isn't, she has help, she just will not allow my father to be a father figure to me, and my siblings. This brings up another point that sometimes mothers are the reason why fathers are not a in child's life. I have realized, from observing others who are fatherless, that their mothers are the culprit in the situation. In a recent incident, a close associate witnessed her child's grandmother boasting about how her children's fathers wanted to be in their lives but SHE ran them off and refused to allow that to happen. To make it worse, she has 4 sons and 1 daughter, none of them have present fathers. This angers me because in some situations when a man wants to be in a child's life, dealing with a vindictive mother can run them off. This is not the case for every situation but I think it happens enough to bring to light.
Either way, I am still dealing with "Daddy Issues" but I have to say that over time, I've began to give up on the thoughts of having my father be a DADDY to me. And I am ok with that. I have a successful relationship with a good man and I am moving forward with my life…It is possible to move past those issues, it is just a matter of either making them known to your dad or just moving on…
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I can add to this. I am 33 and my Dad just began reaching out to me. I can expect a call from him every Friday, say about 5:15pm. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. Surprisingly, now he remembers my birthday….go figure. I can't even talk about this anymore. What I really wanted to say was, as I read this post I realized that I have a 10 yr old daughter and the man I chose to be her father, is just like mine. SMH…I pray that she is stronger than I was and make better choices
Obviously, I too have been through that and I also wrote a letter to my Dad about everything I felt. This was months ago…….and no response. I never want my future children,especially my girls, to have an empty feeling. You can never describe the emptiness but it is there. Hopefully he will respond until then I am living a blessed and happy life!
I know the pain all to well. At 46, I still wonder what my life would have been had my father been around. I turned out to be a successful, educated, strong black woman, married with 3 handsome sons. But I still wonder. I don't know if I blame him totally. Sometimes, I think mom had a role in him not being there. Whatever the reason was, he wasn't there and I don't think that's something I will ever get over. Often times, I play the "what if" game in my mind. What if he was in my life? Nonetheless, I do thank God for the life I have. I wonder if my dad would he have enhanced my life or hindered it somehow. At the end of the day, I can say I'm proud of who I am and if he knew, he would be proud too.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I think it does help to talk/write about it. I grew up without my father as well. In fact, both my husband and I were raised in single-parent households, taken care of by our moms, aunts, etc. When we decided to get married, we knew that our children would have a stable home with the both of us for as long as we live. Now, after 17 years of marriage and 2 kids in high school and considering their college options, I'd say we came out alright.
Growing up was a struggle for us, but we strive everyday to make sure our kids don't face the same.
God bless,
Nancy
It's "aisle" not "isle"…if you are making your career as a writer, definitely get someone to edit and correct your spelling and grammar.
My middle name is Sherrell! Yes I have issues with my dad. My mom got remarried when I was five so my dad was already long gone. I was so little when he left, I only have a vague memory of him picking me up once when I was in my crib. He was a womanizer just like his dad was so….
For years I thought it didn't bother me, but when I got into my twenties (I'm 39 now)I began to wish I had a dad. That's all I feel like saying right now.
I can definitely relate to the pain, heartbreak and emptiness your letter exudes. Growing up with no father having only my great grandmother, grandmother, mother an later on a step-father had it's effects on my every decision. Now that I'm 29 married with three children I still don't understand why he wasn't there and I guess I never will. I had two opportunities to speak with him (1) when I was twelve and I will never forget he told me "to never let anyone tell me he didn't love me". I immediately began screaming inside LOVE how dare he. It's an action word. The 2nd was at his sister's funeral by this time I'm 26 with kids. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him nor hold a conversation with him. I was so angry and hurt. I beleive he sensed it as well. I vowed to myself growing up when I had children that I would make sure their father would be in their lives cause I didn't want them to experience the life long pain I had felt. How could you help create life and turn your back and never know how he/she turned out? I wonder sometimes how different I would be if he was a part of my life. His absence had it's effects good and bad on the way I am today. So Sherrell I understand.
Much Love 🙂
*correction* my Father maybe teach me that I'm suppose to take car of my man like these women do for him. Just crazy!!!
WOW oh WOW!!! I deal with these same issues everyday. I have my moments when I sit back and actually think about stuff that I've done and it's because I didn't have my father to guide me. When I was younger, I always dated someone way older than me. I believe because I was fulfilling the spot for my father. I've accepted terrible relationships because I have a problem with a male not being in my life. I feel that if my father was around he could've showed me how a man is suppose to treat me and to not accept nothing less than great. I would've felt protected and most of all LOVED.
My father has always lived in the same city as me. My father has numerous of children to the point that 3 of his children lived a few blocks from each other. One of my older brothers and I went to the same high school. We found out we were related just based on us being in the same gym class and we would talk all the time. One day he smiled and I asked him what his father's name was and it was over after that. I mean it was crazy!!!
Then to see my father after 10 years at my brother's basketball game just because he thought he was going to be in the NBA. Just terrible.
Then I have my moments when I think that maybe it's best that he wasn't in my life because he's a user. He uses women for their money and a place to lay his head. So why would I have wanted to have my mother maybe teach me that I'm suppose to take care of my man like these women do for him. Just crazy!!!