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Curly Nikki

“We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR”

By January 27th, 2021337 Comments
"We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR"

Autumn writes:

I don’t even know what to call this. But it happened – FOR REAL.

Background:

I’m married – 5+ years – to a wonderful husband and father. I’m pregnant – 5 months now – with my second child and I’m an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been natural – almost 1 year – and, although it took some time for me to feel this way, I LOVE my curls.

The Drama:

My husband works from home and has watched our 2-yr old daughter from birth (SN: She has curls too and he washes and styles her hair very well during the week). About a month ago, he sent me a text at work saying we needed to talk when I got home. So, I come from work on my lunch break like I normally do. We decided to leave the house to run some errands. In the car, I asked him what he wanted to talk about. Then he said the six words that literally threw me into an immediate emotional breakdown: “WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.” Huh? What? Where is this coming from? Instant flood of tears and hyperventilating.

He never wanted me to go natural. He doesn’t like “nappy” hair. He likes straight hair. He felt that I had totally ignored his feelings by going natural in the first place, but the fact that I’ve stayed natural, despite his disdain, is even worse. It doesn’t matter that everyone else around us likes my hair. He is my husband and his opinion should matter most. When he married me I had long, straight hair. He’s not attracted to me anymore because of my hair, and therefore he felt that the best solution was to split up, instead of being disgusted with the sight of me daily. But if I straighten my hair (it doesn’t have to be a relaxer), then everything will be ok and go back to normal. Blah, blah, blah. SN: Just the week before, his close friend’s wife chemically relaxed her hair after a year of being natural because she couldn’t stand the negative feedback from her husband.

Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like. I emailed my boss from my phone and said I couldn’t come back to work for personal reasons. After running our errands, I dropped him and our daughter back off at the house and drove off to clear my mind. I won’t go into all the thoughts that led me to my next actions, but I will tell you what happened.

I LOVE THIS MAN. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT THIS MAN. I WILL NOT LOSE MY HUSBAND OVER HAIR. But I felt this was a deeper issue than hair, and I also felt that some information was missing from his little rant. So I went back home. I grabbed a pen and paper and went straight to our bedroom. I got in the bed under the covers and started writing. Right after I jotted down my last thought, he came in to check on me. He gave me a big hug, and waited for me to speak. Here’s what I wrote/said, and his answers.

-I have more going for me than the hair on my head. YES YOU DO.

-I’m beautiful, intelligent, stylish, in shape, a good mother, I bring home bacon just like you, and I cook it too. YES I AGREE.

-I’m pregnant with your child, how dare you bring this to me right now. I FELT LIKE YOU WERE IGNORING HOW I FELT ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

-My hair is beautiful and *I* LOVE it, no matter what anyone else says. I KNOW.

-Our daughter’s hair is beautiful, are you going to request that she straighten her hair? NO, HER HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.

-Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN.

-Are you willing to give up our love, sex, family, home, future plans… all because of my hair?! NO, NEVER.

My response was: Then I cannot, WILL NOT get a chemical relaxer. So what is your REAL problem?

His response was: Well, it’s just that all the “different” styles you have been doing have been “nappy” styles. Can you please do some straight styles, and do them more often?

Of course! Why didn’t you say that in the first place boy?!

Ever since then, we’ve been back in love like usual. He touches my “nappy” hair and tells me I’m beautiful. And I still haven’t done a straight style yet, although I do plan to keep my promise – to prevent another childish rant.

Conclusion:

Turns out, he just did a really horrible job of expressing his feelings. And I did a really horrible job of acknowledging his feelings. We will not lose our love, our marriage, our life together… OVER HAIR.

Weigh in!

337 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

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  • Nessa says:

    Yes black men have been trained to hate our beauty. Our hair is like a volcano it's scary/different yet exciting to behold! No one can question the master designer "GOD". What do men know about real beauty. Once my brother told me "God cursed black women with natural hair because they had to much pride." What a dummy. black men have natural hair too…so they must be cursed as well! Lol When I told my boyfriend , he said it's different for black men. I informed him that I know women black and white women who have said to me "I hope my kids hair isn't nappy like it's Daddy's hair!" It's not the hair..it's the girl. Pretty is always pretty. It took me time but I know better now. I am glad you reminded your husband how fly you are and it was God that put those words in your heart to write. We need to pray for our men.

  • Josie Q says:

    Okay so, holy shit. That's what I have to say to this story. The guy sounds like a complete douchebag. True he did sort of go back on his initially crazy statement, but I still think he's a complete jerk. Is he going to expect HER to leave HIM once he goes bald, as all men eventually do? True it is important for couples to be attracted to each other, but to me that's completely secondary. If I lost half my FACE my husband wouldn't even think of leaving me, because he loves me no matter what I look like. Furthermore he's attracted to my personality, so he'd probably still even be sexually attracted to me. (Especially if my big ass was still intact, hah.)

    Secondly, I'm a white girl and I just gotta say… a black girl's natural hair being "nappy" — the idea would never even occur to me. I would never even conceive of that word. I LOVE a natural hair look on a black girl. When I see one with straightened hair I usually don't like it and don't know why they do it (I also don't like straightened and bleached hair on my fellow white girls, ugh fake blondes!), but then when I see one with curls or just a straight up afro, it is just totally awesome looking and I am completely jealous.

    So yeah, not only was this guy an ass but he was also completely wrong because his wife undoubtedly looked awesome. Those relaxer chemicals probably cause cancer too, or at the very least are doing harm to your hair and scalp like the chemicals from hair dye and perms. Seems a lot of work and risk to get something that doesn't look as good as what you girls have naturally without even trying. 😉

  • Little Brown Princess says:

    ahhhh WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?….Your husband said the styles you've been wearing are "nappy" wants you to wear more "straight" styles as opposed to letting your hair be coily…I DONT GET IT….and you AGREED to it??? First of all if anybody (especially my husband) ever referred to my hair as nappy , WE GON HAVE A PROBLEM!!! Ummmm idk, still sounds like a deeper issue than just the "nappy" hair thing… #IJS

  • Anonymous says:

    What a sad self hating husband you have. Are you serious? He is a mess. Love does conquer all and i'm glad it worked out in this case.
    Sounds like mental slavery got him all mucked up.

  • Anonymous says:

    OMG!! I just had a similar conversation with my husband last night as I moisturized and twisted my transitioning hair! I just kept asking questions, and it turns out all he wants is to make sure that I choose feminine hair styles during my transition and after. Which means no big chop, but that's okay with me. As long as we are in agreement I'm happy!! It's all about getting to the "real" issue, like you said. Thanks for the encouragement.

  • Ann says:

    My husband is just the opposite, he went on a terrible rant b/c I flat ironed my hair and my kids hair for the first day of school. He hates straight hair black women, unless it is their natural hair. Oh well – he has to be re-conditioned and possibly watch Chris Rock's documentary on permed hair and its dangers.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have only been called "nappyheaded" by people in my community so lets stop blaming the media, which plenty of black people partake in using ie the internet, blogs, etc. White people, sorry never been called nappy headed or had a word mentioned about my skin tone, butt, or hair except by my own people. We need to stop and stop soon. Having pride in being black is not a bad thing. And as Black women we need to have our needs met and understood before our mans are. I notice black women are always giving something up to be in relationships, which are useful, ie this one. I have been even called a lesbian by black men because of my hair. I do date outside my race, either they like me or not but I have not had a man hang around if they don't like me. There are lots of white/Hispanic men that are down natural hair. The self hate serves no purpose

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! Wow! I just happened to check into this site and got curious and wanted to read this. First you are SOOOOO beautiful and I love your hair. This story made me sad/angry all in the same breath. Sad because I get the feeling you are "trapped" you have years in this and a family and angry because your husband even had the balls to suggest something/anything of this matter. Please see a counselor this is not how a mature man behaves, and I will echo other writers, please keep your eyes peeled for other incidents, because I feel that there will be others. I was married and my ex asked me about my hair way back in 2000, and the conversation never took legs again. I have been natural in some form since then. I also have a relative that had been married for 40 plus years and when his wife got sick, she had diabetes and had her legs amputated, he left her and took up with a teenager, I believe within a month. So for some marriage is just a piece of paper. You will find out if your husband feels the same way very soon. Wonder how he is going to cope with another child to deal with. I hope he overcomes his self hate prior to that date. Oh I must commend you on your resistant, I would have not been so accommodating,if he would have said "I want to leave", I would have said "ok" and just packed up my things and hit the streets.

  • Selma says:

    Wow…Speechless

  • Anonymous says:

    The self hate in the black community is appalling… Why would a black man not love his wife's gorgeous kinky curls? See the beauty in us wearing our hair as it falls. Don't let the status quo be your status, black men.

  • Anonymous says:

    And this is why the divorce rate is so high. Please seek counseling for you, for him and for the both of you. This may seem trivial, but it could be anxiety about the new baby, insecurity about you getting so much attention concerning your new do, and/or so much more. Keep fighting for your marriage and work out the kinks. God Bless!

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow. Um, is her husband like 15 years old or something?? This whole situation is a hot mess and I am left wondering, what the hell has he been doing while she's at work?

  • Anonymous says:

    Im new to this page and to this new journey with being natural. My husband of 4 years in April just said today that "its not so bad " , he talking about my hair. I relate to this passage very well, my husband is or was totally against the "nappy" look and wanted to get over myself and be selfless to give him the creamy crack. lol I cried and believed I prayed I mean he was my husband and I loved him since I known him which was back in the 8th grade. It hurt feelings more because I thought of all the things that the young woman asked her husband,. … I think I was to scared to really even ask him because my husband is well I dont wanna bash my rib, but lets just say we have some work to do. Marriage is work I glad you choose to be mature and try to do your part and listen to your spouse. In the married life its all about give and take , and nothing will or ever be far, so be prayful, and Im very happy to see that someone got it right. God bless P.S. what are some of the styles that you tired for him to keep ur hubby happy????

  • Anonymous says:

    Am I the only one here who thinks that being physically attracted to one another is important? Some people do not find kinky curly hair attractive. Nor is it the most flattering look on every face. (Sometimes, the way your hair grows isn't necessarily your best look.) If a husband or wife makes a drastic outward change that the other partner doesn't find attractive, I think he/she has a right to (respectfully, and lovingly) broach the subject. I'm naturally curly, but if my hubby hated it, I'd blow it out in a heartbeat!

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, I sure love how you handled this! I am honestly sure I wouldn't have handled it the same way and here's why. Firstly, I have had similar experiences but he would've gotten shot down as soon as I found out "We need to talk" was gonna be about "MY damn hair"! Secondly, my husband is not of an African American descent like me he but is mixed race and there have been certain comments he has made about MY HAIR which have really angered me bitterly inside! TBH, there has been racial tensions between us in the past concerning Afro-textured hair. He used to make comments about my hair being "so nappy", "in need of a perm", and my all time fave "beady beads", like Pam from Martin? Seriously, I couldn't fathom him actually calling me at work to say we need to talk and coming home only to find out it's about my hair, not today in this day and age but o.k. I tip my hat to you Miss because you are a good person for seeing it for what it was, a childish rant. Thank You!

  • Anonymous says:

    Never mind the natural hair drama. I'd say there are far worse problems in that marriage. Any man who leaves a woman while she is pregnant is a chump with a capital C! He's no man at all…and the woman is better off without such a coward in her life!

  • Theresa says:

    Autumn, I know you love your husband, but he just sounds like a negative person, obsessed with looks. I don't want to judge too quickly, but (sadly) here's what I gather from what you wrote:

    -You husband is a self-hating Black man who buys into the whole "Black=ugly" propaganda

    -He thinks women are monolithic, and we should all look like Beyonce.

    -Complaining about your hair is just the tip of the iceberg to a bigger issue.

    -Again, I'm stuck on the fact that he doesn't like your natural hair texture. He married a black woman, so your "nappy" hair is something he should've gotten used to from the get-go.

    Why is he so worried about your natural hair, so much to the extent of saying that he's gonna leave unless to continue to put that poison in your hair? That's what it is, poison. It damages not only your hair, but your scalp too. Tell him to relax his hair and keep that stuff on for 20 minutes without budging. I bet he'll shut up quick.

    Listen, I know this is an oooold blog entry, I applaud your saintly patience, and your choice to go natural, and I hope he is done with this foolishness and you guys are still together, but THAT IS RIDICULOUS!! REE-GOD-DAMN-DICULOUS!!

  • SweetPea says:

    Am not in love so I can't put myself in her shoes. Why did he not bring up the issue before she got pregnant or after she gave birth? It sickens me. I feel like the husband was waiting for her to carry his baby, then bring up the issue. At that point, he is giving her an ultimatum. Most women in that situation will probably give in because they will feel that hair is a small issue compared to raising a child alone. Like many other people have said, I feel there is a deeper issue than her hair, and it will resurface.
    I have had a two ex-boyfriends who did not like my natural hair, but I did not leave because of that. I realized that most guys who will not embrace a woman with natural hair will have other issues such as dating a woman with a dark skin tone or not embracing anything that seems "afro-centric". A man who cannot accept your natural hair will not totally accept you for who you are. The interesting thing is that men of other races sometimes are more accepting of natural hair than some black men I have met.

  • Anonymous says:

    How can he not have deeper issues… He has been conditioned that "nappy"
    was not pretty. The sad fact is, majority of black man feel that way. I commend you for handling that situation with such understanding.

  • Anonymous says:

    Oh and that will be the DAY when I put chemicals with lye on MY hair to satisfy some man's fixation…whether he be white or black.

  • Anonymous says:

    What is it with black men (not ALL black men, but enough of them) and natural hair? I won't even try to address this. All I will say is I date white men and every one, ALL of them, prefer natural hair on black women. They love the texture, love the look and say it brings out 'our' unique beauty. Brother could learn a lesson.

  • Michelle D. says:

    I admire how "YOU" handled the situation, but your husband was very disrespectful in how he came at you and when he came at you. Choosing to leave your wife over "hair" alone means he is not recognizing your other great qualities. I too agree that there may be some other underlying issues going on that he is not communicating with you. I am angry over the fact that you are pregnant and he came to you with this bullISH! Who does that? You are very understanding, but after I had my baby, he and I would have to go more in depth on this issue.

  • Anikole says:

    I am disturbed by this. Glad there was some resolution in the end…but what was up with his crazy reaction??? Thank you for being so open about something so personal.

  • Anonymous says:

    That was so BS. If he went to those lengths to say….I want a split,……over some damn hair, there is a deeper issue…all i say is watch for the resurfacing of it down the line. smh

  • Anonymous says:

    In my opinion, its very simple- it's her hair and she has the right to style it however she wants. If he is so self-centered, that he's willing to leave her, while pregnant, over her style of hair, then there is a bigger problem going on with him, than just hair. Sure she can agree to straighten her hair once in a while to make him happy, but how many times, until she has defeated the purpose of going natural in the first place? And will he act like a jerk on the days her hair is not to his liking? And where will it stop? Her clothes? Her shoes? Her friends? Her family? Yes, marriage is about compromise, but not about controlling someone else. If he's that shallow, then she is better off without him, instead of sticking around waiting for the next thing about herself- that he decides she should change.

  • Mona says:

    Just in case no one mentioned it yet, your curls are AMAZING!! Absolutely STUNNING! I am so proud that you know that. I am so glad that you love your natural texture. There is something so beautiful about kinky hair. It's really like a work of art. I have 4a hair and sometimes, when I'm stressed and impatient, I tend to think that it's difficult to handle, but it's really not. It just needs a patient and loving hand. It's hard not to be brainwashed here in America. It's something we all have to deal with…and then the normal human need of wanting what you don't have… Sistas…we are so beautiful just the way we are. We should really know that. We should really embrace that. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES LADIES. Don't let anyone confuse you. You ARE naturally beautiful!

  • Anonymous says:

    is he dead wrong for that? yup! However, you gotta give her mad credit for responding responsibly. Its so easy for us women to hear something crazy and just pop off. Be it a defense mechanism or whatever, it can get us into trouble and lead to consequences that we may not have taken the time to give adequate thought. honestly, our immediate response may be " oh hell no, that the eff is this?!? this dude must of lost his mind. Well if thats how you fel kick rocks…" Then, when someone actually kicks rocks (you or him) a whole other bunch of emotions could come in that we didnt plan for. This isnt everyone, so take it with a grain of salt. My point is, i guess, that she deserves mad credit for taking the time to explore her feelings honestly and decide to further investigate. Mind you, she didnt say that she had her mind made up to stay with him before she came back to talk… the thing is she DID NOTHING to escalate the situation, and KEPT TALKing.. and made a better informed decision… with that said, dude does seem a lil unbalanced…maybe she should do some more reflection about wtf is his problem, and most importantly…. would he be willing to adjust his attitude… like forever…?

  • Suthurnblkbelle says:

    OH my God…if this isn't my story aside from the part that my husband has never said he wanted to split because of my natural hair. But I asked and discussed my hair with my husband of 3 years, and he told me it's my hair I should do what I want with it. My hair has always been a little past shoulder length, but became really unhealthy due to relaxers. So I told him I was going to grow it out and eventually be natural. He was ok with it I thought….I had prepared him for me cutting my hair for 5 or 6 months and he always said it was ok with him. Until….I did the big chop in October 2010 after 5 months transitioning. Well my husband did not speak or look at me for 2 weeks. Mind you we have 3 beautiful little girls all natural long hair. It hurt my feelings but I got over it. Eventually he said he liked it but he also said he was just shocked that I cut my hair and he didn't know what to say and that he likes my hair. But this was after alot of people gave me compliments and they were paying alot of attention to my hair. But I decided that I loved it and if he had a serious problem with it, then he needs to take that up with God. Because this is how he created me. Also, the only two negative comments I got about my hair was from him and his mother. Wow.

  • mia oliver says:

    Hair should never be a factor in a relationship by any means especially a marriage, More power to you I would have kept it moving and found someone who loved and was attracted to me nappy or straight for better or worse!

    beautyandthefox.com

  • Anonymous says:

    Could it be her husband is ready to rejoin the commuter workforce? Perhaps he took for granted that once their daughter started school he'd be free to do so. Maybe he'd like to chat about his workday and share interesting or boring co-worker tidbits too. He could believe life is passing him by and he doesn't know how to bring it up without sounding petty and selfish. This would be especially difficult for him if he agreed to the second baby and his role as primary caretaker. If I were in Autumn's shoes, I'd diplomatically bring the issue to the forefront. He may not bite the first or second time, but she'll have let him know she isn't unwilling to discuss it. This may or may not be the problem, but as almost everyone here has stated there is a deadly serpent lurking in the lush verdant undergrowth of their Garden of Eden. It has already reared it's ugly head once and scared the bejesus out of her.

  • KCSMA GirlScouts says:

    I just read this post and after reading quite a few of the comments I have to weigh in. Let's not be quick to judge and insinuate that there is something else going on than there is. This man just had a miscommunication issue. In pregnancy, there is frustration on both ends. Men go through it a lot because they feel neglected in the process. Marriage is always a work in progress and it's all about communication. The Poster knows her man and she clearly stated those were not his exact words but she felt like that. Pregnancy does wonders to a woman's brain and emotions 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow .. jus t discovered this site. You ladies are awesome. Thanks so much for your encouragement and sharing. Autumn thanks for your courage and for sharing such a personal issue with us. Very courageous, this is definitely an issue some of our men struggle with having been brainwashed like we have been.
    I will pray for both of you..your husband was very immature and childish. I know this must have been very hurtful especially in your situation. God bless

    Susan

  • Anonymous says:

    Absolutely emotional! This actually brought tears to my eyes…sadness and joy at the same time. I am a natural of 5 months now. Fortunately my husband, my 21 year old son, and my huge extended family ALL embraced it when I did the big chop 5 months ago. I am so glad that your marriage did not end because of your desire to be your natural self. I play India Arie's song "I am not my hair..I am not your expectation..NO…I am my skin that lies within…to keep me encouraged to forever stay natural. I admire how you stuck to your gun on what you wanted for you.

  • Jenn says:

    here is my question…how can he say that his daughter's hair, which is natural, is beautiful…and yet he does not like his wife's ALSO natural hair? come on dude, #stopit…really tho, looking at ur wife with disgust becuz of her hair. he was actin like she walked around like buckwheat?! that alone would make me question his character and who i married. so kudos to her for being a lil more….how should i say….rational…unlike his fool ass

  • Anonymous says:

    I loved this article. It just shows you that men know what they want, but don't know how to express it to women. So many times, arguments and break up can be thwarted, by simply staying calm, and helping your man to express his true feelings. Kudos to you and him for taking time to love each other. Peace & blessings.

  • Happy says:

    I'm glad you and your husband worked everything out! You did a great job figuring out the truth. When I met my ex-boyfriend my hair was permed, dyed, and over-processed. I haven't had a perm since July 2008, but I cut the damaged parts last February and since then, it seemed like almost all of our issues stemmed from my natural hair.

    After four years, we broke up (not only because of the hair situation) and about a week later he started dating a girl of the Caucasian persuasion probably to get back at me for not keeping my hair straight and to ensure that he won't have to go through another big chop. I loved him but not enough to sacrifice my right to my individuality and my overall happiness with my life and how I see myself. We were going to get married, but I'm glad I got out early enough because if I get married I don't want it to end in divorce, especially over something like hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    This sparked a conversation with my husband and I ( we're inter-racial, married 15y, 4 children) and after reading all of the above comments (most of which I totally agree with), I'm still left with the feeling of "Ladies, this woman has balls!" In the best possible meaning of the expression! Communication is work and it is worth it to work hard on it so we could avoid sounding like idiots and ultimately realize what it is that we really want in our lives and loves. Power to you!

  • Anonymous says:

    Spending every day with a two-year old can wreak havoc on the mind. Sounds like he had a temporary break from his senses. Time to put the toddler in daycare.

  • Cocoadots says:

    To me it sounds as if your husband was bs-ing from the start. I'm almost certain he was never going to leave you…over hair. It seems to me that he was trying to pressure you, no, bully you into straightening your hair. He looked at how a friend of his threatened to leave his wife, and in doing so, she gave in to please him. So your husband figured this method would work for him as well. Men are dumb like that. Luckily you were bright enough to see right through your husband’s charade to discover the deeper issue. As soon as you threw out the whole “I am your wife. I am pregnant with your child. I’m smart, successful, beautiful, etc. And you are going to leave me over hair?!” I am sure he realized how stupid he must have looked. So out came the truth.

    Your husband’s plan was transparent from the start. For future reference ladies, never let a man intimidate you. Be smart about it like the woman who wrote this article. Because if a man truly wants to leave you, then he will never give you a “chance to change”, he will just leave.

  • Anonymous says:

    I too am concerned about this man because he didn't even start by asking you to compromise. He just jumped to divorce. Why not ask you to straighten your hair once a month or every other month. I do that for my boyfriend because I know he likes it straight, but he also knows not to ask me to straighten it. I offered the "every other month" option to him as a compromise so that my natural hair wouldn't become an issue (I had natural hair on our first date, but my Match.com profile pics had a lot of pics of me with straight hair). Besides, variety is the spice of life and I like changing my hair up.

    Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if he brought up another issue related to your hair or ask for another divorce because you're not straightening your hair enough. There seems to be deeper issues at play that he is not bringing up. I applaud your rational approach, because pregnancy hormones would have caused me to flash on him.

  • Anonymous says:

    There's so many things wrong with this post I don't know where to begin. Nothing has changed since he stated he was willing to leave you over your hair. You are still natural, and maybe the occational straightening will occur but it seems frivolous to threaten breaking-up over the state of your hair. Why do think everything is ok now?
    You better prepare yourself for the worse. This is not over, and you better realize you might have to find a way to live without this man in your life as this is far from over.

  • Anonymous says:

    IMHO a man who genuinely loves YOU (your mind/spirit not your looks) will not stop loving you when your outward appearance changes UNLESS that's all that really matters to him and he's an ungrateful idiot.

    How old is this man? 12? that's beyond ridiculous and a REAL committment to marriage means "for better or worse until death do us part" NOT "only when the man gets his way or it's over!"

    i agree w/ some of the other comments, that man is probably looking for any lame a*s excuse to leave & its most likely for a very stupid reason (like marriage and fatherhood is boring or "too hard" for him because the bachelor lifestyle of less responsibilities seems more appealing OR he has a side chick who lets him control her and since his wife isn't like that he's comparing her to the side chick and wants to leave to be with her)

    unfortunately MEN do this kind of dumb sh*t to their wives often because of their selfishness and the fact that they are not CONTENT and thankful for the GREATNESS they already have AT HOME

    I hope this man gets in touch more with God and the spiritual side of life for his family's sake because that is the only thing that will make him a better husband

  • Sukree says:

    From a married woman prospective, I totally get this post! Sometimes men say things and we, women, have to be the bigger person for our family! They can't express their feelings and what comes out of their mouths is really wrong at times! But through communication, their true feelings and meaning come out!
    It is not wrong for him to want that and it is certainly not wrong for us women to want our hair how WE want/like it! But we have to navigate that fine line! My husband worried about my carreer and others' perception of my hair while i transitioned and I know he loves to run my fingers through my hair. So I blowdry and flatiron my hair every once in a while to pleae him because we are married and as a wife I take care of my husband and that is part of it! I use a satin pillow case instead of wrapping my hair every night to keep things sexxy in the bedroom- I make decisions to satisfy both of us basically because that is what marriage is about. And it's funny to have him put his hands through my hair n being amazed that his fingers are not caught! A lot of it is the inknown that they fear, so we should teach. I used to get upset when men and especiallymy hubby says things, but I came to realize that they always put their feet in their mouths and wehave to be the person in the relationship who always get hte peace n common sense back! Ayounger me wouldve cringe at this post too, but a mature me totally understands!

  • Anonymous says:

    I am new to the site as I search for information for my new freedom – nappy hair. I am convinced that as blacks we struggle with the image of what is beautiful and our black men are deep in the struggle. I had a friend for 11 years who said to me, "You need to get some hair." I was amazed at the comment and went on to say that I had never seen another race trying to get what was so naturally given to me, yet you ask me to get some hair. Obviously you are asking me to get something other than what is natural to me. My question, "Have you ever hear another race ask the women in their lives to do anything so ridiculous?" I think it comes down to the fact that black men are very uncomfortable with nappy. It says too much about the natural beauty and maybe we have become too comfortable with that which is unnatural to us. How much of this is ingrained in our pass? I applaud you in helping your husband to understand the importance of who you are and how you are. He is not that weird, he is like most of our race confused about what is natural to us and its beauty. God help us if we would divorce each other over "nappy hair." Black women have spent more money than any other group and maybe most other groups combined to be different, most of it wrapped around hair. Oh that we would be less crazy.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow. I know this article and the accompanying comments are old but I just had to comment.

    Quick story:
    I went relaxer-free in 1992 when it wasn't as popular as it is now and there was little to no support of information out there. Pamela Ferrell's books (Where Beauty Touches Me and Let's Talk Hair) helped me to learn to style with twists (from looking at pictures and experimenting).

    Anyway, I clearly remember the feeling of being "invisible" to black men whenever my hair was twisted or styled in such as way that my natural texture was showcased but when I'd every now and then press it with a hot comb, suddenly men were coming out of the woodwork trying to "holla" at a sistah (???) This was a very disturbing phenomanon to me but it taught me something about the mentality of black men.

    Fast forward to when my boyfriend (now husband) and I started dating. I was relaxer free and wore it in twists most of the time and would every now and again press my hair and he liked it both ways. But when we got engaged, we went to premarital counseling and that is one of the issues that I brought to the table from ground zero. I told his that this is my hair and I never wanted to be with a man who feels it is his God-given right to be a dictator to me about how my hair is styled or worn (natural or straight). I let him know that if he couldn't live with that that we should go no further in our plans to have a union together.

    Now believe you me. I was scared to death. I know how important hair is to black men even though they pretend otherwise. I loved this man then and still do to this day and would have been devastated had his love for me not been up to par enough to accept that I would do what I want with my hair. But he passed with flying colors. He didn't run at that premarital counseling session and it's been 15 years and he still hasn't run. He loves me and loves my hair and even if I style it in ways that he doesn't like every now and then, he'll only tell me that if I ask. Hair doesn't define our marriage at all but I wonder if I hadn't had the awareness and from my experiences of being natural to put it out there before we took that trip down the aisle would things have turned out differently? My husband knew I wouldn't compromise when it comes to my hair and that it was a non-negotiable subject from the start but what if I hadn't brought it up? Would he have felt "entitled" (for lack of a better term) to tell me something about my hair and my choice to be natural? It's a shame that this even needs to be a consideration. You know? Black men, unfortunately though, are just as brainwashed as we are about unaltered, natural, afro-textured hair.

    Case in point: Though my husband loves my hair natural, I can tell by the way he acts when I heat straighten that he really, really likes it straight. He'll never put voice to those thoughts because of that long ago conversation we had when we were engaged but as cool as he is about my hair, even he hasn't escaped unscathed from societal attitudes and views of natural hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think the situation has nothing to do with her hair and he's using the natural hair as a "scapegoat". Nice try buddy.

  • Anonymous says:

    Now that's just rude!

  • tish says:

    wow! I am natural and have been for some time but after becoming a stay at home Mom, I have sort of lost the edge w/my hair due to the daily routines of life.Mu dear husband wanted me to change something so recognizing that he believes I need a new style rather than just my Afro.I finally visited a natural hair care salon for a consuly and an upgrade of my normal daily style.I am still trying to get back to the care I took f my hair prior to having our kids but after having many discussions about whether or not I should straighten my hair and much stress about it–I decided it's my damn hair and you met me nappy so deal with it and all the things that are me and all things that are womanesp. a black woman! Much love for this article!

  • msthomas says:

    im just so sorry that this writer had to hear this from her husband…. while pregnant… and in a text message…. sheesh!!!! i've just given birth and can truly relate to all the emotions we go through while pregnant… without insensitive and hurtful comments, so this had to really knock her off her feet. God bless her for being calm in this situation, and i hope her husband comes clean about what else is bothering him about their relationship.

  • Anonymous says:

    I love this article because it is SO real. The reality to me is her husband didn't feel like she was listening to him. Of course he went about communicating it the wrong way. That is a common male problem. Generally men are not good communicators and he might have mentioned his thoughts about her going natural and she didn't give him any real attention on it. I'm not saying he's right I'm saying marriage is bigger than getting mad every time your mate says something completely stupid. Its GOING to happen. She showed herself to love her marriage and family more than herself and more than him even by being the calm sensible woman she probably always is. I commend you Autumn. People watch too much tv real life marriage is not what's in the fairy tales. Her husband is obviously a good man since this comment he made after 5 years was unexpected to her.

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree with many of the other posters and believe that you handled the situation in a great way. It boggles my mind the things people say and do. Yes it's okay to speak your mind(but in a kind and reasonable fashion). The way he handled his feelings were atrocious. I know no one is perfect but REALLY! You guys had been together for five years already had one child and another on the way. He's actions were purely selfish. It's fine that he wanted to let you know how he was feeling but he could have found a better way. Marriage is about give and take and yes sometimes we have to acquiesce to our partners I believe that this is a foolish thing to bring up especially at that moment. First you were pregnant, second this was not a emergency and you had to go back to work so it could have waited until you got off, third his delivery and timing were horrible. I'm glad you guys came to a compromise. I think you guys should also discuss better ways to express your emotions and how one shouldn't make such serious statements about frivolous things. This conversation should have never happened. Yes he could have discuss his displeasure with your hair but to say he wanted to split up because it is foolish and childish at best. I'm glad you guys worked it out and hopefully issues will be handled better from now on. I do believe your courage and maturity throughout this episode was quite impressive

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow. I am the mother of a college student, I'm not married, but I can relate to this story.

    My boyfriend and I have had a number of conversations about my hair. I took a photo studio shot when I had kinky twists with extensions, and he loves that picture.

    I don't wear braided/twisted extensions anymore because I found them to be drying and pulled on my natural hairline too much. I have a stylist who colors and flat twists or double-strand twists my OWN natural hair. She does a great job. I love my hair and get compliments on it all the time.

    My boyfriend doesn't care for it. He has pointed out my studio photo and said, "This is what I want."

    I might get the kinky twists again someday, but for right now I am healing and growing my own hair.

    I believe that if my boyfriend truly loves me, he will accept me unconditionally. I don't say anything about HIS BALDING head, so he should keep his opinions about my hair to himself. If I'm unhappy and uncomfortable wearing extensions, I shouldn't be pressured to do so.

    If he decided to give me an ultimatum about my hair, as much as it would hurt, I'd have to let him go.

    With that being said, it would be easy for me to do so because we don't live together and we have no children together.

    Even though I've never been married, I cannot help but think that Autumn's husband was being insensitive and cruel, especially since she was pregnant at that time and on a break from work. Was she supposed to go skipping back to the office after him telling her they needed to break up?

    I don't buy the argument that "women are born communicators" so we need to be patient with our men. I think there is nothing wrong with telling men when they are out of line, and vice versa. Relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. If I had to put up with a man hurting my feelings and expecting me to go along to get along, I'd just as soon stay single!

    I truly hope that Autumn and her husband are happy together, for their sakes and their children's.

  • Flame says:

    Lacoya said **Women are BORN communicators…we were created to learn the needs of men **

    Really? Wow. By the way, the Fifties called. They want their chauvinism back.

  • Flame says:

    Hmph. I notice your "nappy" hair didn't bother him when he was putting that baby in your belly. The very idea! I'm with the sister that dates the white guys: white guys who like black women LIKE BLACK WOMEN. They like our hair, our skin, our butts, our lips, our noses. They are not all caught up in other white people's notions of beauty. My(white)husband would never dream of fixing his lips to come out with that mess. Your husband is judging you by a European standard of beauty, to which I say: why didn't he just marry a white girl then?

    And yeah, I definitely would be checking his e-mail, phone, and pockets. That wackass attitude didn't develop in a vacuum. If he wasn't contemplating some side action I'll eat my hat.
    Is that you in the pic, with the cutie pie freckles? That fool needs to wake up. My husband just walked past, glanced at my monitor and was all "Wow, who's that? She's hot!" And my baby knows what he's talking about. 😉

  • Syd says:

    This was a most shocking article and I truly have to commend Autumn for the way she handled it. On the one hand I'm thinking maybe her husband was being extremely childish-like when a kid holds their breath till they get there way- and this was his tantrum. To threaten to break up with a pregnant wife is inexcusable however and I really question his emotional and mental maturity. She handled this situation extremely well and I wish them the best but personally I would always question his love and loyalty if he was willing to throw in the towel over hair. So disappointing.

  • Salkis Re says:

    OMG! Well he has a right to want the woman he married, even if its cruel. People get together for different reasons, if he hates natural hair that much, I wouldn't be able to brush his request under the rug especially being pregnant. Sometimes people do not evolve at the same rate. I think thee questions should be asked in the being. I alway ask the men I've dated if they would object to me having short hair or gaining weight, You need to see the reaction, the body language, do not dismiss what people tell you. I am sure he has made comments about natural hair before this, being that he's so against it, I find it hard to believe his feeling was a total shock to her.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think that she/they handled the situation well. I think he was pushing to see if she would just straighten her hair. People do weird things. She opened a door to communicate, she allowed him to respond without getting angry. It was truly beautiful. All the women that say that how dare he, come one, there will come a time in every relationship when we will have very trivial arguments. Sometimes if those trivial disagreements are not addressed they fester and become absessed. I love what she did.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! Initially this made me so sad to read, the thought of a seemingly happy, healthy relationship ending over hair. Reading all the way through it just gave me renewed faith that with proper communication and the ability to compromise relationships can flourish. Happy that you and your husband were able to resolve this situation with a solution you are BOTH able to live with, blessings to you both!

  • Anonymous says:

    It's not over! He's a coward & there will be more issues. Really sounds like the "stay @ home hair combing Dad" has self-esteem issues & is jealous of the attention & compliments that natural hair affords you.
    You are beautiful & smart, add the undeniable confidence of rockin the natural and you got him "shaking in his boots!" Jealous Man=Dangerous Man!

  • Anonymous says:

    There are OVER 250 comments already and I'm sure some repeats. But I have to ADD…OMG What adult married man does this to his WIFE over HAIR. Do men really not express themselves clearly???! I thought they were supposed to be the rational ones! My first thought was how old is this man? because if he is an adult there maybe other issues he's not expressing clearly!! I'm sorry but no man should bring those words to his wife over something so insignificant to a marriage.

  • Lalita says:

    Hope you are more supportive of him if his hair thins…or falls out. Despicable. Get therapy. Now.

  • Anonymous says:

    But like…what if she was a natural that did not use heat? What then? Would he just leave? Nah…I'm happy if they worked it out in a way that works for them, but if it was me things could not have blown over so smoothly. I can't believe a man you're married to and have had children with could really be so selfish. I don't care how he feels. It's her hair. What ever happened to accepting the person you love inside and out? I don't care if she had natural hair from the beginning or not. But that's just me. The audacity of this man…and her willingness to give into him just like that…it really blows my mind. It couldn't be me. And for the record, if HAIR is going to get your man all up in arms enough to want to walk out of the door…just think about what he'll do when real challenges come up. If I was her, I wouldn't be trying to have any more kids with him.

  • Sheri says:

    Just saw this post. Wish I hadn't. Is this a true story? Dump him! That's what joint custody is for. You too bring home the bacon so you don't need him for survival. Again, joint custody because the kids actually need him. You don't.

  • BlackAngel says:

    Girl, this post just made me SICK. My husband isn't a natural's #1 fan, but I don't even think HE's this stupid!

    Honestly, if I were the poster, I'd start preparing for him cheating with some relaxed chick very soon. Just keep an eye out.

    And the sad fact is, since he told you that he just hates your natural hair he'll act like it's YOUR fault he did it! Honey I see a whole world of problems coming up!

    Jen

  • Anonymous says:

    I dont think that my husband likes my hair but I will be damned if I relax it because he has a issue with my fro… I love it and that is all that matters…

  • Evelyn Michelle Ford says:

    I think you are a class act and believe me when I say "HE KNOWS IT TOO". What God joins together nothing can seperated.

  • Anonymous says:

    lol am i the only one that doesn't see a resolved issue here? a man who turns his lip because your hair is natural? a man who recoils because of some coils on your head … Wow

  • Anonymous says:

    OK if my husband ever ever said this to me…ever.. I would run to divorce court myself… What if she cant lose the pounds after the baby?….Lady wake up and smell the coffee. My husband loves me with crust in my eyes, and would love me no matter what. Its time for a new husband.

  • Anonymous says:

    WWWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW….NO COMMENT

  • QuirkyCoils says:

    WOW! When I saw the title I knew I had to read it. As I was reading I felt your pain because I experienced the same thing…only it was right after my big chop (that he agreed to). It was one of the biggest trials in our marriage, because it made me feel as if his love wasn’t unconditional if the change of my hair could make him stop being attracted to me. I’m glad you guys got pass it and were able to move forth. We have also passed that hump, but every time I try a new style in the back of my mind I’m hoping that this wont be the style to trigger another 3 months without really talking.

  • Anonymous says:

    Good for both of them. Life is hard y'all and it's hard for men to express themselves and even harder for us to hear it. Kudos to her for listening, waiting and then going back to him for confirmation. Not every moment in life needs to be a soap opera, he was honest if a insensitive and she was calm and confident. They have paved a road to better communication and also learned a little more about each other. Good luck in the future y'all!

  • Kelley says:

    Hello Autumn,

    Though I agree with many other posters that your husband's behavior was a bit self-centered, I do respect your reaction to him. I once knew a psychologist who told me the secret to marriage is to (within reason) "compromise with your mate even when you feel he/she is being unreasonable".

    Also, I saw the following quote today and thought it was relevant to both the situation you described AND many of the folks commenting on your story:

    "Many people think that patience is a sign of weakness. I think this is a mistake. It is anger that is a sign of weakness, whereas patience is a sign of strength." -The Dalai Lama

  • Anonymous says:

    Seriously??? This could be the haze of pregnancy making everything seem worse. I have dreads and my husband would prefer me with straighter natural hair. He had dreads for several years and then cut it and I prefer him with dreads. Alas, we realized that it's our own body and we have to do what is best. He still thinks I'm beautiful.

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm sorry, but I can't stomach it. You should get out of this marriage because it is clear he did not marry you for who you are, but for what you look like and how that syncs up with his conditioning/ideas of what is beautiful. He even said he feels that his friend's wife is a better woman than you because she "sacrificed" her happiness!!!! The conversation/confrontation may have made him realize his error and made him backtrack his comments but I doubt there has really been any resolutuion as you may have imagined. Honey, things are not "back to normal" just yet. Leave this man. He does not love you for you.

  • Mz_Mena says:

    Something tells me this isnt the first time he's used marriage as a bargaining chip. I see more petty random issues in your future. and a screw him for good measure…

  • Tali G says:

    I think going natural — THOUGH it grows out of our heads– is still seen as a political statement. When he(a black man) introduces his wife(a black woman– who doesn't process her hair and keeps it in the state it grows out of her head) — SOME people will think of them as being afro-centric(the negative connotations of that) and somehow against the norm, and maybe even rebellious. It's a mentality that taints a lot of people. Also, society has taught us that Victoria secret models are the epitome of beauty. The only naturals for VC on in thier PINK line– a line for the younger woman and VERY rare.
    A sensual, sexual, intelligent, independent(politically and lifestyle wise) and well educated and/or informed woman in our minds goes hand in hand with being natural. For many people, when trying to imagine this image in plain form(magazine, print, editorial, etc.) it becomes more difficult. It's all about changing one's mentality, and understanding that while it is difficult to be seen the way you want to be seen, it is not impossible. I thought the story was excellent. I do hope that she fulfills her promise, and I do hope that he request the straighter hair styles less. Hopefully they ultimately reach a point where they both feel comfortable with her hair, but bigger than that, that they both feel comfortable with who they are and in what ways they contribute to their relationship, a role model for their daughter(children), and how they influence society in this movement for natural hair as a whole.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! Wow! Wow! I hope everything is alright between you two. Unfortunately, this society has shaped our minds and attitudes about how we feel about certain things (what's acceptable and not acceptable). However, I do believe in the saying, "what it took to get him/her, you must do to keep him/her" and that goes for hair. Right now, my hair is all natural and if my husband didn't like my hair, I will definitely relax it or straighten it for him. I will do whatever it takes to keep the spark in our relationship. I do have boundaries but I don't think hair is that important to cause a strain on the relationship.

  • Deja M says:

    Hunni ,
    God Bless YOU !!!!!! you are everything i aspire to be in the "keep the peace" department. I love how you busted the pen & paper out and just went to work. Giving him a chance to express himself — oh i just love you* You are everything a women that is in a RELATIONSHIP should be & this my curly sisters is why i am SINGLE …. hahaha i would have fought him !!! hands down baby & all. thank you for the post because i will never forget it & you are truly AWESOME !

  • Anonymous says:

    He's a complete asshole. What's the next excuse he's going to use to break up with you? Poor communication is totally understated. If this is his personal best then watch out for his next momment.

  • Anonymous says:

    That was disturbing. I almost started to cry. Thank you for not changing your hair. The issues are deeper than hair. I would have knocked his teeth out his face…He has been holding on to these feelings for sometime it seems. Words are the easiest things to say, and once they are said, there is no taking them back. I feel for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. WITH OR WITHOUT HIM.

  • Erin says:

    She stayed with him? Unbelieveable.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thaaaank you for for being so honest and open about your husband's reaction to your natural hair. I had very similar responses from my husband and his family about my hair. Despite what everyone else around him would say about my natural hair being beautiful, fitting on me, younger looking on me, happier on my ect., he still was embarrassed by my hair and often went w/o speaking to me or touching my hair. I finally had to sit him down and tell him that I was sorry that he felt the way that we felt; however, I have to do this for me. It's who I am and it's healthier for me in the short and long run. Although I don't think that he's totally there yet, he has told me that he likes when I wear my hair in bantu-knots (of all things) and when I wear my hair just out in a fro after the steam from the shower hits it. I respect and love my husband; however, I would never straighten my hair w/a relaxer for him or anyone else. That's like saying drink draino if you love me. I've only been natural for a little less than two year and wish that I had done it a whole lot sooner. This is me in my natural state – and I love me!

  • Mrs. Hensley says:

    And you people need to be nice! She is sharing something about her struggle on here, not trying to put her husband on blast! She is saying something aloud that someone like me has nightmares about, and I'm thankful that she is sharing it.

  • Mrs. Hensley says:

    Your before and after pictures gave me the courage to actually cut my hair! my husband is white and I know that he doesn't like my hair, he won't say it, he just says, I like straight hair. But not a day goes by that I don't worry that he lost his attraction because of my hair, which makes me wonder what he loved in the first place, me or my hair? ugh, makes me shudder to think.. You're gorgeous. Keep it up.

  • Anonymous says:

    wow. you are such a patient understanding wife responding the way you did WHILE PREGNANT!! And before anyone goes off on her husband i understand his point of view too. im glad you didnt buckle and straighten your hair tho. you both worked it out and came to a mutual understanding. i love it. your marriage will stand the test of time.

  • Anonymous says:

    Sorry, but I would had told him, Okay, lets break up. I would never want to stay married to man who said those things to me or who felt that way about my hair. NO WAY!

  • Anonymous says:

    How did you get pregnant if he doesn't feel attractive to you? You did a very good job with writing the issues down. But the main question you forgot to has was what was the "real" issue he had with you. Because your hair is just a side note to whatever is truly bothering him. Please be careful and when you have a chance you should revisit that whole situation calmly.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. I'm an advocate for building and saving marriages. I hear what others are saying about "other motives", and this may be true. However, I commend you for not reacting the way you felt or wanted to. You're still a young couple and have a lot of road ahead of you. I encourage you to keep communicating openly with your husband. It doesn't make you less of a person or a push over for not cursing him out, putting him out, or "losing you mind" over his "issue with your hair". Marriage is a journey and there will be times when he "feels" like he doesn't love you anymore, or you may "feel" like you don't love him anymore. That's not the time to jump ship. Marriage and Love isn't based entirely on our feelings. It's about commitment, and working together to build lasting relationships. Our feeling and emotions change over time. Our marriages change over time. I've been married 35 years, and we still in love. I did the BC a couple of months ago. My husband is trying to support me but he isn't happy about the change. For 38 years he saw me with beautiful long/short relaxed hair. I'm loving it, he isn't. I'm going to help him "get over it". We're committed to our marriage. You'll know if your husband is really committed. His response to your questions could have been different. I agree with you, hang in there and best wishes to your family.

  • Anonymous says:

    It's a sad day we are living in when people of African descent are ASHAMED and HATE the REAL texture of their hair. What has the white man done to us……The husband should let his nappy hair grow out of a fade so that he can see that its just something that is natural and part of us. Everybody, including myself,( cause I'm a new natural), needs to get over it and call it what it is: JUST HAIR! No one hates their hair more than people of African descent. Even whites straighten their hair because sometimes they want it bone straight vs curly, but I never hear of whites almost disowning each other because they wore their hair curly!

  • Anonymous says:

    I think this should be on a blog about jerk husbands and not hair… Sorry.

  • Achoti Asyan says:

    I'm sorry sis, but his deep issues was NOT addressed. He likes long straight hair. The issue is not going to go away. You think so but you are wrong. You see, his hating "nappy styles" shows he doesn't accept you as you naturally are. You mentioned superficial things like staying in great shape, and all that. What if you get really sick and gain weight and can not keep yourself in shape? What if you lose your job? Keeping the house clean actually goes with that, what if you got sick and couldn't keep it up. Would he be okay with ALL THAT if your hair was long and straight? part of the natural hair "movement" is accepting who we really are. Some of us grow long hair easily. Some don't. Some have soft waves, some have sproingy curls, some have tight kinky curls and some have just kinks. Many of us (not on this site obviously but the vast majority in this country) relax or straighten our hair. But if something happened where we couldn't straighten anymore, would our men leave us???? Would we be ugly??? You should be able to straighten if and when you want. there are non negotiable issues in relationships but straightened hair shouldn't be one of them. IF it is, his ISSUE is self hate. Plain and simple. he's been conditioned to think long and straight is beautiful. I think long is beautiful but our women are SO beautiful that we actually CAN be straight up bald and be beautiful. Your man is full of it right now. he is saying he won't tell your daughter to straighten her hair, but trust, let her walk in with the so called "nappy" hair when she is older, talking about daddy what do you think and he is going to be holding in that belief that somehow her hair makes her less than another girl or woman who does straighten.

    Our men are our biggest enemies as far as beauty is concerned, outside of ourselves. I always ask my husband his opinion on my hair and he has ALWAYS encouraged me to wear it nappy, short, REAL. My face has only gotten older (but not by much, this black aint crack) but he still treats me as beautiful and says it all the time, from size 3 to size 12, from braids, wigs, weaves, nappy natural and now locs. Oh but real quick. He's mixed (but considers himself black, most people just assume he's Latino which he is also mixed with, and has 3a curly hair) and all the women he grew up with have long 2c/3a curls, and before me he dated silky straight haired and silky wavy haired chicks. He has never once made me feel like our relationship is in jeopardy due to hair, even when it was a HAM. Educate this man honey. Not to tear your family apart but educate him, because though you didnt exactly SAY it I think HIS hair is nappy too. And guess what, The MOST HIGH and CHRIST (and all the great men in the bible) had "NAPPY" hair.

    SHALOM!

  • Nicole says:

    What's there to say… by the end of this I had to use my hands to close my mouth. This story does not sound right…would love to hair his side as told by him because I believe that she has only shared part of this picture… the part she was willing to share. Just off of what she wrote… all I can say is the end is near!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Hey, Can you email Autumn at [email protected]gmail.com. THanks

  • Anonymous says:

    RUN GIRL!!! He's gonna come up with another "issue" sooner or later.

  • Gerard says:

    Hmmmm……….I see both sides, but divorce was a true deep end. I love my wife's natural hair. It's beautiful, it's attractive, it's downright sexy. I think it even brings her eyes out….or she's workin' voodoo on me one…..lol! But I can't say I'd love it that much if it were the hair I see other woman who are natural wear. Some wear it like a black panther movement and I'm not attracted to that. That being said I believe her hair is a form of natural expression, but being a man I still have to be attracted to her. Any who, this all leads to a circle now that I think of it, because I strongly believe she should be able to express herself through her hair and such I couldn't say I'd like it if she wore it like an afro (I mean like dude type afro). I'd hate it and would want her to try something different. Either way it's definetely not worth divorce, but I truthfully think my wife would address the concern. Lol! Dude is funny……..how in the hell was he gonna explain to his children that he left his wife because her hair won't right. I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

  • Lydia says:

    I clicked on this article because all I saw was a pretty woman with pretty hair and once I read your story I was floored. I think we can all agree that your husband is in the top 10 of insensitive, selfish, inconsiderate, etc husbands.

    That being said this issue and the way you handled it revealed that you are a special kind of woman. If he is not attracted to you because of your hair, there are plenty of men who will be willing to take his place in a heartbeat.

    The ball is in his court now and I am sorry but straightening your hair every now and then is not going to solve his problem with your hair. He has to be willing to move past his ideas of what he considers beautiful and sexy. If he is willing to grow in his thinking and break the chains of bondage then good for him and your marriage. It is probably not helpful for him to have a friend who pressured his wife to relax her hair if his thinking is ever to be changed.

    You did your part beautifully and now it is up to him.

    And please don't listen to those who would much rather keep their skeletons in their closets because they are afraid of what other people will say if they show their faces and tell their stories without shame or embarrassment. Kudos to you on your bravery because this is certainly helping someone else going thru the same situation. I hope your husband realizes that you are too good for him and gets himself together.

  • Anonymous says:

    After reading some extremely rude and insensitive…it has been further clarified that women do not understand men! Men are not great communicators – they have no clue how to get a point across the same way a woman would. They're very cut and dry and things often come out wrong! KUDOS to you Autumn for using reason, patience and love. Why are so many women so quick to jump off the deep end and dump their men on the side of the road?!?! A relationship consists of TWO people that need to have a mutual understanding of each other especially when one is going through a system of physical change. (men especially don't take this lightly). Awesome job Autumn….hoping some ladies used or will use this as a reference in their own relationships. PS your hair is beautiful!

  • Anonymous says:

    I hope she is really okay!! I can't imagine having my husband saying that he was disgusted at looking with me with my hair natural!! The essay seems to suggest that maybe he didn't say that, but rather that is what she heard. I really pray he didn't say ANYTHING along those lines– that would indicate more problems to come, because that is a horrible , cruel, and insensitive thing to say to someone you love!

  • Anonymous says:

    Something sounds seriously wrong. I keep reading the last few paragraphs. He back-tracked some and you latched on to that and let some serious questions go unanswered. Did he really call you in the middle of a work day to say he wanted to you to do different hairstyles? I say go to counseling ASAP because if this is how he communicated then there will be more heart-stopping issues down the line.

  • Penny j says:

    Oh Wait! Is that actually a real picture of her! OH NO!!!! Now he's going to have more issues. Maybe she is the type that trys to embarrass her husband. I'd never put my picture up and tell our personal business publically! That's a no, no. Now people will know who the moron was! Yikes!

  • Anonymous says:

    1) I'm glad that both You & your husband were able to revist the conversation w/less emotion AND remain within the COVENANT that was wittnessed by & confessed to God.

    2) I'm a natural woman, in my early 40's, no kids & single. I'm degreed w/a professional job, attractive, healthy, fit, Christian, etc. etc. It amazes my how something as simple as HAIR could/can become a 'deal breaker' within realtionships. It has happened to me & I see the different responses I get from men (esp. black men) when I wear a fro or twist, vs. my blow-out straight styles.

    It brakes my heart to see black men unable to recognize this part of our beauty in its truest form; reject us for it and have the nerve to get upset/be bothered when they see black women date/marry outside their race.

    Not to mention, often times these same black men are fathers. I wonder if they realize the contradictions/examples or confusuion they pass on to their children w/notions of 'hair the is burnt, broken, thin, unhealthy, obviously fake or possibly bald' is better/more attractive than wearing hair in its natural state?

    Lastly, I think of hair as an accessory/garment. With that being said, if hair is clean, fresh and groomed what exactly is the problem?

  • Anonymous says:

    SERIOUSLY? I have NO WORDS! I'm glad you two are on BETTER terms, but I would suggest some counseling to talk about your styles of communication. It's great that you both recognize what you did "wrong" in that situation, but you may want to see help in how to AVOID that type of confrontation in the case of another "issue"; as issues OFTEN arise in marriages.

    TF – Chicago

  • K3NNY says:

    I'm not saying it was right. There is more than just hair going on here. But looks play a part in marriage "love at first SIGHT" you aren't going to marry someone unattractive unless they are rich.

    And one night stands can develop into full on relationships I know several cases of one night stands becoming full fledged marriages.

    And I don't support marriage it's unnatural. Humans weren't meant to be married.

  • Anonymous says:

    "K3NNY" says: 'Ladies if you married me for the way I look…' Yeah, right there is the problem. Why would you marry someone for the way they look? You date someone for the way they look. You hook up with someone, have a one night stand, or attend a function with someone and take pictures to put on Facebook to make other people jealous based on the way they look. You DON'T propose to share your life, suffer through better or for worse, sickness and health, and promise before God and your family to love one another 'for the way they look'.

    What if your father left your mother — and you — all because he wasn't feeling her hair? Never mind everything she was and everything she did. What if your son-in-law said that ish to YOUR daughter … while she was 5 months pregnant with your grandchild?? This just wasn't right.

  • K3NNY says:

    I was going to stay out of this one. But i guess it's my job to speak up for the men. It's why I'm here after all…

    Chris rock sums it up best though:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPesKyIhGZg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    Basically he is accustomed to his wife looking a certain way. Ladies if you married me for the way I look, and later on in our marriage I let myself get fat and shaved my head, you would not be happy. And you might offer me an ultimatum shape up OR I'm gone. The problem here is that he didn't give her a chance. He immediately wanted to just end things, so there is something sinister going on behind the scenes.

    In my own case I like short hair. I was dating a girl with long hair, and I wanted her to change that. But I made an offer if she let me change one thing about her I'd let her do the same for me. So I cut her hair and she shaved my legs. We both got what we wanted. So if hair is the only issue he needs to man up and put something on the line as well.

  • Anonymous says:

    Honey, PLEASE. Everyone's on the same page with this. Something doesn't seem right. He's wanting to split up over hair? Hair. Because of your "Nappy" styles? and he seems complacent with the idea of you doing more straight styles? everythings back to the normal happy status quo? with a simple promise. He's cool with the idea of you frying your hair, damaging it because he would rather see your hair straight than the way God put it on your scalp? He's got some soul searching to do. And it sounds like he's trying to measure you against his friends Wife. I love my Man, but I'll be damn'd if we break up because of my hair. Love me. ALL of me as I am, or don't at all.

  • Landy D. says:

    Excellent article and thanks for sharing this therapeutic story. So happy you two worked it out. I had/still have the same misgivings about going completely natural because as it is, even though this is what my husband has said he liked since we met, he is now seeing the time sacrifice and now kind of sulks about it. Still trygint o gather the courage to ultimately BC on 1/1/12 but in the mean time, my hair has been VERY time consuming and difficult to manage in the 2 textures. My natural texture is 100% more manageable than my relaxed ends because of all the damage done to them. I am just not mentally and emotionally prepared to do this yet. Anyway, besides my rant, thanks for sharing a piece of your life and I pray things don't change with my husband when I BC.

  • Anonymous says:

    i think you and your husband need to go to counseling. there is more to this. there is some sort of disconnect between the two of you. it could be very threatening to him that you are becoming more of yourself. also, it seems that as a couple you may need to explore the basis of your relationship beyond having been together for a long time. i'll pray for the best outcome for your family with this. don't let it go though.

  • Anonymous says:

    I admire you guys for working it out… many women and men have divorced for lesser issues but this makes me really appreciate my husband who was also skeptical of me going natural and getting locs 4 years ago but always supported me because he loves more than just my outward appearance and of course now he loves my hair. But sometimes people give us a glimpse of who they are like your husband did at that that time but I believe that was a growth period that you both needed to go through and it showed himself how vain he was… Cheers to working it out!

  • Cory says:

    @Huda

    Please STOP making it seem as if only American Blacks go through issues with natural hair. If anything, we go through it a hell of a lot less than Latinos and certainly FAR much less than continental Africans. How many African curly forums have sprung up? How many African men do you see with naturals? Hell, how many African women with natural UNWEAVED, UNBRAIDED hair do you see? I'm not judging other Black cultures, we all have a long way to go, but please STOP the divisive 'American Blacks' yadda yadda – sheesh!

    I also agree with Anonymous October 25, 2011 7:31 PM

    "at no point in time is it ok ever to basically demean your partner in life and threaten to leave them because of their hair.. Say it out loud, and hear how asinine it sounds"

  • Anonymous says:

    Im HEATED!!! I wish my husband would!!! He is NOT going to get up daily and straighten your hair and make sure that its not damaged in the process. Does he not understand that being natural is a part of a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE? So would he be cool if you told him you were leaving if he didnt take steroids to build muscle? Or smoke cigarettes? Wake up…there's a deeper issue and I hope that you have a plan B. Good Luck.

  • Abigail says:

    ok Autumn, you may have handled the situation well privately but like another poster said, it was very unwise and dangerous to post this on the internet where ANYBODY including the other wife, both sides of the family and her own children! can find this. It will make it harder to resolve the issue with him and any other issues and easier to push him further away from you. You have probably further strained the relationship. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT AGREE WITH HIS INSENSITIVE REMARKS. HOWEVER!! How often do you go to the internet to voice your complaints about your husband instead of GOING to him directly?? Facebook, other forums, etc?? Maybe that is why he feels like you don't listen to him because your "family" has become your natural sisters now that you are natural, and he is excluded from that new family. He is supposed to be your family. You are not to give more time to the natural community over him. DO NOT CHANGE YOUR HAIR TEXTURE but be careful how much time you give to your natural journey. That will kill your relationship. I am seeing this more and more in the natural community, with meetups, forums, etc. and I have had to stop coming to sites like this because I am seeing too much time given to being natural that its UNNATURAL! All of them are excellent resources but if it is taking away from more important things, then rethink your priorities. Nevertheless, he should have said this to you if this is the true issue rather than insult his wife for goodness sake! That is beyond wrong on his part, especially to compare you to another woman, there is nothing worse than a wife wants to hear from her own husband's mouth. I am sorry you are going thru this. All ladies, PLEASE be careful what you post on the internet. it ISN'T hidden, otherwise it wouldn't be on the internet in the first place!

  • Anonymous says:

    If your husband is black and has a problem with natural hair then he's suffering from self hatred.
    I suggest you stop fucking with bitch niggas!!!!

    Signed a Real man.

  • Anonymous says:

    IM SORRY BUT I THINK YOUR MAN IS A TOTAL AS*HOLE AND I DONT KNOW HOW YOU COULD STAY WITH HIM. ITS JUST HAIR! DOES HE NOT THINK YOUR BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT STRAIGHT HAIR? LOOSE HIM! PLEASE, THERE ARE TOO MANY BLACK MEN OUT THEIR WHO LOVE NATURAL HAIR!

  • Eboni says:

    wow….yea it kinda seems like there was something deeper than her hair that bothers him…however as someone else said, we're only getting a glimpse into their marriage.

    "This is why I've said over and over again I will not date/marry a Black man. I'll take my 4b hair and chocolate skin to some white boy who'd appreciate me for who I really am..a black woman with kinkycurly hair." – SwirlieCurlies

    Not that ALL black men disklike natural hair, but this is kinda how I feel too, lol. However I've always been more attracted to white men anyways. Plus I'm glad I'm already natural – it'll help to sift out the real guys from the superficial ones.

  • Anonymous says:

    I WISH mine would have said that! He'd be out with a BOOT say in about 2 seconds. I'm sorry NOT but I don't need the stress or aggravation from someone so selfish. My natural hair is well, NATURALLY me and if he couldn't accept that well then BYE. I guess I'm looking for a reason to say adios and so if mine would have said that, he'd have to go. Men expect us to accept them no matter, how jacked up they look or get (balding, missing teeth, gut over the belt). Why feel guilty because apparently he's not feeling guilty/regretful over what he said. I guess I'm not as in love as Autumn is with her husband and I can understand that but then again, obviously he can't be if he let something as his wife's natural hair styles bother him dang it's the hair she was born with!

  • MsAfriKanaChiC says:

    Idk if thats because I'm training to be an Marriage and Family Theraipt and i'm overly sensitive to this type of thing but I am baffled more by the comments to this post than the actual post itself.

    The lack of perspective, empathy and understanding for the husband (who has a list of stressors that include: working from home, caring for his daughter all day while working, going against social norms by staying at home as well as having another baby fast approaching) is an example of how much of a rift we can wedge between ourselves as men and women.

    I am not justifying his words but I do hear a cry for some sort of connection to how things "used to be" with his wife. Like many posters have said this is way more than hair. I applaud this women for not overreacting and taking the EFFORT to listen and really understand her husband.

    As far as this post is concerned; I'm sure her intention was not to get this terrible ass feedback about how "demented" her husband is but for readers to take away that sometimes you have to really listen and have understanding to make things work.

    I wish her all the best in her relationship.

  • Anonymous says:

    i might be the only person who feels this way but I'm going to be honest. If my husband came home and announced that he was going to relax his hair and start wearing finger waves from now on I would have to leave. Just being honest.

  • Anonymous says:

    Please forgive, but I didn't get a chance to read all the comments before posting, but some of you woman who actually think that your beauty to your man does not affect your relationship are delusional. Now this is just my opinion but 98% of man are attracted to their spouse physically at first, then and only then will they get to know how beautiful she is inside. My wife has to stay attractive TO ME, understand the difference, TO ME. if she gets cancer or is pregnant or in an accident and can't keep her looks, than that's fine, but if she's just tired of working out, then maybe I should get tired of working a job and see how she feels when she takes me around her friends with a non-working "obama". She is wise to please her man aesthetically.

    J-Dash

  • Candace says:

    It is difficult to comment on someone else's marriage when you don't know the people. My husband wasn't keen on my natural hair, probably still is isn't but I have tried to communicate how I feel about my hair to him. I think her husband wasn't used to her being natural. It is not as easy as one would think. Yes he overreacted but he is only human and therefore not perfect. At least she was able to resolve the situation and have her marriage restored. Hooray!

  • WineGrrl says:

    Maybe he should just buy a sports car.

  • Anonymous says:

    Dying your hair yellow is WAY different than going natural – you God given hair type/texture. I don't need permission from ANYONE to wear my hair the way it grows out of my scalp. There is nothing to compromise.

  • creativoice says:

    Umm..yeah. These comments are the very reason why people talk about black women not being successful in marriages..and the very reason many of us are unsuccessful. We just dont understand the differences between men and women and the dynamics that can bring to a relationship. Men need to feel respected, and women need to feel loved. While each needs both, this is the primary need of each gender, respectively. This man, though working from home, is a stay-at-home dad. Often when men are in this situation, especially when the wife is "bringing home the bacon", they start to feel as if their opinions and feelings are not important. I really doubt that anything other than that is the issue…there is no underlying issue. The man loves his wife and just went a little overboard to make a point..to make his voice heard. Those who would encourage her to leave him are being equally melodramatic.

  • Anonymous says:

    I really hope this article does not discourage women from transitioning to natural. Autumn I wish you luck and much success on your marriage. I hated my husbands long, natural hair. Mostly because he was a man and no guy should have longer hair than me. Plus his hair was always a hot mess. I never threatened to leave him though. He eventually cut his hair bald seven years later, but it was his choice. If he chooses to grow it back I'll be next to him. I can't imagine using the dreaded D word (divorce) to manipulate him into doing something he doesn't wanna do.

  • Idalynn says:

    Wow. Just wow. He was wrong but maybe she should have talked to him about going natural before she just decided to jump into it. Now i'm not in no way shape form or fashion saying natural is wrong, but ladies when you get married you throw "I" out of the window. Sometimes we just need to discuss these things with our husbands. I mean how would you feel if one day he came home with orange and yellow hair, didn't talk to you about it whatsoever and put his foot down on refusing to change his hair color? I kind of see this in the same way. Now marriage is also about negotiations. She could choose to wear straight styles more often without putting that relaxer on her hair. When I went natural, I talked to my husband about it. He was against it at first until I brought the compromise that I would wear it straight half the time and in my natural state the other half. He appreciated this and actually now he is learning to love my natural state.

  • Anonymous says:

    First the problem is that men don't express themselves enough. When they do (albeit in poor fashion), women call names and chastise him. What the hell do you want? Settle down.

    He cared enough to speak up. Let the tables be turned and the situation would've been completely different. "Baby lets split up. I don't like your dreds, I love when you get a close fade." "Hold on girl, let me call my barber. Don't leave." Done. lol

  • supercurlygurl says:

    It makes me question why he made such a big deal to actually call you from his job and say that he needed to talk to you and then to find out it was because of how he didn't like your curly hair. It's that much on his mind that it was disturbing him at his job? Why did he make such an extreme threat without first talking to you about it again instead of saying that you all needed to split up. To me, though you say he is a good man and I am sure he is, he definitely has controlling issues and that's not so good. I am happy that you all worked it out but he could've addressed you with less force.

  • Shango67 says:

    Huda… the psychological warfare is put in practice by white folk and internalized by BOTH brothers and sisters.

  • Unknown says:

    as a black woman of African descent I have to say the psychological ill that black American men inflict on black American women whether its over their hair texture, skin tone and everything that should make them the beautiful proud women they should be is truthfully sickening. He has nappy hair and no where near Denzel Washington or Will Smith in the look and income department, yet he thought it was the height of normality while on a drive to drop such an awful bomb on his pregnant wife. Her solutions is equally horrible bc it tells an a$$hole like him, its okay to humiliate her, hurt her and she will always blame herself and take it. She handled it in a mature way, but no one wants to be the only adult in a marriage where one side is constantly throwing childhood tantrum and expecting the adult in the relationship to clean up after them. Furthermore, I have to say this issue is beyond hair….it seems he's a house husband while his pregnant wife works for a living an I bet makes better income and is assertive in many ways outside of her marriage. He's using this as a tool to see how much he can control her. It probably started with subtle verbal abuse and will escalate if she does not watch out.

  • Shango67 says:

    My brothers are so stupid. And then they want to start crying the blues when the next dude comes around and steals what they take for granted. He should leave and see what happens when a woman like her hits the market. Give me a few minutes with this sister and find me washing her "nappy hair" and running my fingers all through her crown on a daily basis. Shit, I will twist it, oil her scalp, and gently (rough if she likes) pull on her mane during those tender and intimate moments that occur when the children go to sleep. Negroes need to appreciate the beauty of our women in their natural state and stop asking sisters to take on euro-centered standards of beauty.

    I have a head full of locs and can't imagine a woman telling me how to rock my crown. And if she walked out on our kids / love / family or threatened to do so because of it, then so be it. In fact, I don't believe this is worth a conversation other than one that sounds like, "WTF did you just say to me, you step and fetch, uncle tom, backward ass, wrong thinking negro?"

    Sure, pleasing ones mate is very important, but altering your immutable characteristics is altogether different. It is a slippery slope… first comes the hair, next it is liposuction, or skin bleach, nose job, booty or breast implants, eye contacts, and other types of ridiculous suggestions.

    You know what, maybe this will work for me. Tonight, when I see my lady I am going to say, "Bitch! Get a bigger ass or I am OUT."

    I swear, women give men WAY too much power!

    Signed,
    Happy Nappy Girl Chaser

  • Anonymous says:

    I guess he though he was marrying a light-skinned, long straight hair trophy wife. When she decided to get nappy, that tore his small world apart. Eventually she might need to cut her losses and move on.

  • Toni says:

    Get out of here. He gotta be joking.

  • Anonymous says:

    i was married for five years to a very selfish, secretly racist white man. when we met i wore my hair curly, but straightened it often. then, for some reason or another, i stopped straightening it all together and that's when the negative comments about my hair started. he hated it and said it was "too nappy" with the underlying assumption being that it was "too black".(but this is not the reason that we split up.) we have a beautiful son with wonderful fluffy curls and after a visitation weekend he came back to me BALD. his father had completely shaved his head!! well, now i am dating a wonderful man who LOVES my hair. he always has his hands in it and is telling me how beautiful it is. he comes from a culture where most of the people have straight hair, but he finds my hair beautiful and sexy and does not like when i straighten it. he says it doesn't look like me. i guess all of that was to say i'm glad you and your husband were able to find a comfortable middle ground. your hair is beautiful and i hope he can overcome whatever issues he has with it. good luck to you and congratulations on your new addition!

  • Anonymous says:

    How does her husband's hair look? I wonder…(maybe she should leave him if he wants his natural!!! Maybe the texture is not what she likes…hmmm, I wonder what would happen if we judged guys like they judge us…

  • Anonymous says:

    I just would like to say that my husband of 17 years absolutely hated my natural hair when I did the bc in 2009, 2 years ago. Because of that whenever he mentions anything about my hair I get overly defensive…..not good on my part. He is entitled to his opinion and he likes straight long hair. My hair is longer now than it was relaxed and he still has a problem with it. She is 5 months pregnant, emotional and defensive about her natural hair choice. Did he really say he wanted to break up his marriage over this?…..we were not there, did he really respond like it seems or is that just her perspective…..remember, pregnant, emotional, defensive….just sayin'…..

  • mstenae97 says:

    This is a "I wanna be like everybody else" glad you stood up for yourself

  • Sheneca says:

    WOW!!! selfishness is the #1 reason for divorce and it is hidden behind many mask. I have been married 15 yrs and I am in my mid 30's but one thing I have come to realize is that all though my husband and I are committed to one another and prefer each other in decisions we individually make but we still give each other freedom and room to be ourselves. I don't believe God intends for you to lose our personality, freedom of choice due to marriage. I just recently within 3months did the big chop and my husband was totally like you don't need to but i did it because i needed to and it has sparked personal growth in me. I found out my hair is not nappy and unmanageble, it is curly kinky and i found that my tbeauty does not hang only on my chemically straight hair, yes it took some adjusting but i did it and i found strength in the change. You did a awesome job diffusing the issue and your hair is beautiful. I

  • Anonymous says:

    Well done.

  • Anonymous says:

    hmmm I guess I'm glad you still married but I think there was something more I don't even think it was about the hair since he waited over a year, so I'd watch out for deeper issues, he may not have been happy for other reasons

  • Shannon Rhem says:

    I'm glad you were able to work that out. God knows when I was pregnant, I was an emotional mess. I was also transitioning for the first time, if my fiance had said anything remotely similar to what your husband had said to her, my first reaction would have been to punch him in his throat. Heck, if he said anything to me now about my hair I'd still punch him in his throat. Attitudes about MY hair make ME angry. If you feel beautiful and confident, then he should be happy that you're happy. It takes a lot to get to that place. I feel like he had no consideration of her feelings at that moment, we don't know exactly what he said, but its hair… he obviously knows it can be changed, so wth? I probably would have just cursed my fiance out while he was laying on the ground writhing in pain, and later came back to talk it out. There's more to a person than just hair, if that's the case you could go buy some just to please them. It's absolutely absurd.

  • Sarah says:

    To all the people who have commented that Autumn should have kept her 'personal business' to herself, I for one am glad she chose to share this. Many of us deal with negativity from partners and family when it comes to our switch to natural hair and it is helpful to have someone be this honest and share it with the CN community.

  • Anonymous says:

    This had me fighting back tears of laughter. I mean really? You upset over some butthead that leaves because you have nappy hair? Fuck em dear.

  • carrientoe says:

    how my God i read ths fighting back tears…. you handled it so well, here's to strong women like you <3

  • Anonymous says:

    WOW!!! First, I must say, I am glad you all were able to work out this issue. I've said it time and time again that marriage is not easy.
    Communication is a key factor…and given that MOST men are emotionally immature (whether is be how they were raised or the social environment they associate with,,,which is usually the main culprit) they just don't communicate effectively which leads to situations like this.
    I will say that in approximately two more years this type of childish behavior WILL happen again. It is part of the evolution of a marital relationship. So whether it's hair, or the way you dress, or the food you eat…your husband will have to learn to communicate his TRUE feeling in an adult way or you will have to decide the best way to deal with him, in an adult way, that will protect the feelings of you and your children.
    I wish you the best in your relationship, pregnancy, and natural hair journey!

  • sonia says:

    I really admire the way you tackled the whole issue. I wish I knew someone like you personally.

  • Anonymous says:

    Not to be funny at all, but I'm curious as to what HIS reaction would have been if you were like, "ok, yes, We're splitting up". Because like others had posted, I don't think his main goal was to leave, but to more ask about switching up the style, just not in a good way. Proper Communication is key!

  • Anonymous says:

    I think this post should be re-written to state exactly what the husband said as Autumn did admit that his exact words were not "We need to split up" but that was all she was hearing because of her hormones.

    I also do not think that she should have put this post up as she has unfortunately made her husband look bad and marriage is supposed to be a sacred and mostly private matter.

    I also think there is more to this matter than has been stated up here.

  • Anonymous says:

    Many things. I know it takes courage to share but:
    1. Please stop posting your personal business online and please tell me you menitioned to your husband that you were doing so.
    2. Please see a professional marriage counselor.
    3. I think this wasn't just about hair but I *hope* that too. If not, you married a dangerously superficial man.
    4. I am usually an "its just hair" person but in this case, it is not just hair. He wanted you to put a caustic chemical on your body while you were five months pregnant so he could feel more of a man/more attracted to you/more powerful? That. Is. Not. Healthy.
    5. I'm going to guess that if he is black his hair is probably "nappy" too. He may need some personal counseling as well to deal with his lack of self love.
    6. Stop posting your business online and get some counseling (solo and marital) and a plan for to care for yourself and two children alone.

  • Ohboy says:

    Many things. I know it takes courage to share but:
    1. Please stop posting your personal business online and please tell me you menitioned to your husband that you were doing so.
    2. Please see a professional marriage counselor.
    3. I think this wasn't just about hair but I *hope* that too. If not, you married a dangerously superficial man.
    4. I am usually an "its just hair" person but in this case, it is not just hair. He wanted you to put a caustic chemical on your body while you were five months pregnant so he could feel more of a man/more attracted to you/more powerful? That. Is. Not. Healthy.
    5. I'm going to guess that if he is black his hair is probably "nappy" too. He may need some personal counseling as well to deal with his lack of self love.
    6. Stop posting your business online and get some counseling (solo and marital) and a plan for to care for yourself and two children alone.

  • Anonymous says:

    Love in a marriage should be unconditional.His focus certainly was not on your feelings, but that was very selfish. If my husband were to threaten to end our marriage over hair, then its something deeper. What is he going to try to leave for next, cause he doesnt like the type of toothpaste you use?? I'm afraid that if something were to happen on a serious note (God forbid) to where you loose your hair for example, then what?? Straight, curly, nappy, bald, a husband should stick with you no matter what!

  • Anonymous says:

    Too much personal information for a public forum like this. Does your husband know that you're airing your relationship issues on a natural hair blog? I tend to agree with Anonymous @ 8:16…something about this post just doesn't seem authentic to me.

  • DivaMax says:

    Can we ask the question so many are thinking and hoping someone will address? Is this a Black husband??? I hope the author provides the answer.

  • Kelli says:

    This article really rubbed me the wrong way, and has reinforced my concern about being natural and dating.

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree with someone who posted earlier with the comment that Autumn should be careful about posting her personal business on the internet. Now, she may have to deal with friends and family who hear about this and will start looking at either she or her husband with a skeptical eye or giving them unwanted advice.
    Not to mention a husband who may not appreciate his family business being spread out there for the world to see and talk about.
    Perhaps she wants advice and that's why she posted this on such a public forum, but it probably would have been a good idea to post it in anonymous fashion as a "Dear Abbie" type of thing.

    I also think that her husband was quite insensitive in the way he handled this episode of his feelings about her hair. perhaps it has been going on a long time (since she BC's, in fact), but Autumn is pregnant now and there is a dependent life involved. Upsetting her to this degree at this particular time is just plain wrong. She has been natural for a year and he just got all up in arms today??? WHY today?? Her hair was nappy before she got pregnant and it will probably still be so after she gives birth and the pregnancy is over. . . and all of a sudden it has caused a breakdown in the marriage. I mean, I know that kinky hair is VERY powerful, but come on dude!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    nothing like a self-hating black man.

  • Anonymous says:

    Is this story for real? This is really silly.

  • Anonymous says:

    WOW.."We need to split up" sounds like his "ace"…be mindful..good luck

  • Melinda says:

    Okay, so he married you for your hair huh, it is that easy to say, "it's over" because of your hair??? Really???

  • Natasha says:

    You are brave for sharing this with us, generous and kind with how you handled the situation, and beautiful. I'm happy that the situation worked out in a way that both of you are happy and in love (as you say), and will keep praying for your marriage. Marriage is hardwork and there are definitely moments when giving up may look great, but when it really works it can be so rewarding.

    All the best,
    Natasha

  • KG says:

    1. Glad they worked it out.
    2. Something sounds off in the relationship because he gambled his marriage over hair (period).
    3. God bless them.

    Amen
    thekgtheory.com

  • Honeysmoke says:

    On second thought, get thee to marriage counseling.

  • Naturally yours... says:

    I love my natural sistas…I really do, but let's be real for a moment…

    Real real, for real talk…had my husband come to me while five months pregnant and said I think we should split up because your hair is natural…i would have dug deep down in my purse for my Rattail comb and stabbed his ass in the chest. Then proceeded to push him out of the car, drove to pick up my beautiful baby girl and left her father…the same father and husband who is so superficial that he would leave his loving 5 months pregnant wife and beautiful daughter because he did not like the hair that was growing from her scalp–right on the side of the road to bleed a slow and stupidly painful death!

    Okay, that seems a bit Quinten Tarinto-esque…true. but really. This seems like a really bad straight to video movie.

    I mean what next? What will he do in 20 years when her looks fade and this woman is perhaps 30lbs heavier, but has raised emotionally and mentally stable, smart and well-behaved young adults. This man is a complete jerk. Is this his interpretation of the vows he took…in sickness and in health, til death do thee part… or in this case, til i decide to hate your God-given hair, literally.

    I honestly hope that she understands that her husband will pull a disrespectful, childish, unkind and hurtful stunt like this again…and I hope the next time she puts together a list of questions, it is in fact a statement…I Love myself just the way I am; I look in the mirror and love what I see; and I have many qualities, traits and talents that make me unique.

    Especially since her husband clearly hates himself. Good luck to this woman and GODSPEED.

  • Anonymous says:

    This is…bizarre and disturbing. This man will eventually leave and she will try to conform to his beauty standards, and still lose him.

  • Anonymous says:

    wth? please help me understand this– you will no lose your husband over your hair but he's willing to let you go over your hair, and that somehow is okay with you?!?! sounds like this marriage has more problems then hair, and he was looking for a cop-out. i would not be surprised if this comes up again, in another form down the line.

    my husband does not like my hair (and that's okay, i don't like his weight–and what?), but the day he says he will not be with me because of it, is the day that we go see a counselor (or worse) because that audacious beyond belief.

  • DBlkMoses says:

    If that is your picture, you are an exceptionally beautiful woman! I can't fathom why someone would request you to look like someone else. I know my sistas, your husbands married a permie and all of a sudden you change the script. My question to that is…if they are unhappy with your hair, do they really love you for you? Were their vows to your completely false? When a simple act of changing your hairstyle to the way God created you trickles down to a "we need to split up" comment? Sorry, I'm trying to respect the fact that you maintained the peace in your relationship, but it will come up again. How far are you willing to go to sacrifice yourself for the marriage?

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing Autumn. But I wonder if he would be so considerate of you or the marriage if the shoe was on the other foot.
    Let's say you don't like the clean shaven look and want him to grow locs. If you threatened him with leaving, would he take the time to evaluate your concerns? If the answer is yes-then fight for this. But if you question his patience for you—then I agree with a majority of ppl on this post, something else is underlining this problem!
    ***Wishing you the BEST***

  • Tlynnsmith says:

    She "can't imagine" life without that man? Really? Well, she better start, cuz he's already indicated he ain't down with forever.

    He was ready to imagine life without her…all because she didn't want to straighten her hair? Buzzard…I wish a man would threaten to walk, over my hair. I'd help him pack…regardless of how much I loved him, cuz it would be clear to me the love was one-sided. If it's not hair today, it'll be something else tomorrow. I'd rather start gettin' over him sooner, rather than later.

    These so-called "men" are jokes, and they ain't funny. I feel real sorry for this woman, because she REALLY thinks that she's got a grip on that slippery dude.

    Whatevah…

  • Anonymous says:

    Very confusing and sounds kinda strange. I feel guilty for waiting my time on something so far out!

  • Anonymous says:

    Skinny Kenny would be rolling his eyes. Your story sounds like an ABC Monday night movie (back in the day). Drama then everything perfect just before the last commerical break. Sounds a bit far fetched that it is just your hair that he has issues with. Probably thought WTF after he said all that, then came to his senses. I'm not sure that you need good luck, rather a good a*s lawyer when he decides to pull this crap later on.

  • Anonymous says:

    I would have more respect for the husband if just ASKED her to wear her straight every now and then. The text that "we need to talk" was just an introduction to the REAL DRAMA "we need to split up". He took a big chance on her emotional state and pregnancy unloading that mess on her. And to top it off, I think he never intended to leave. He's working from home, caring for a toddler, and it sounds as if he as a wife who really cares about what he thinks. If he left, he would risk losing all of that. Personally, I would have told him (assuming he's African American)– I married you loving the nappy hair on your head, over your lips, on your cheeks, chin and everywhere else…hint, hint. If you wanted a woman with straight hair, you should have gone shopping somewhere else. Good luck to you!

  • Frankie says:

    You know…my father and my ex were the same way. They both asked me what happened to my "straight" hair and the fact that my hair didn't look like it was done. But I waited for the right moment to tell them how I felt and let them know never to mention anything about my hair again. It's about boundaries and sensitivity. I am glad that you and your husband went about this discussion in a positive and productive manner.Compromising in some cases is key.

  • Ms. Harmony says:

    Wow! I'm so glad you guys worked through it. You are right he didn't know how to properly express his feelings. My boyfriend loves my natural hair but likes it straighter more because he can really see the length. So I improvise and straighten once or twice a year usually for his birthday. I'm so happy to know you didn't loose your marriage and family over hair. You had me a little scared for a moment. :*) God bless and take care!!

  • Beautifulspiret says:

    Ladies, please re-read the article. She said that he did not actually say that, but because of her highly hormonal state, she felt like he did because he did not express himself in the most mature fashion.I have done that before, heard (actually felt like) someone say something that they never actually said.I cannot give her any advice on how to best handle her relationship because I don't know him nor her, nor do I know the ins and outs of their relationship. Apparently they worked it out in a way that worked for the both of them. God Bless you sister and I wish you the best.

  • luvmylocs says:

    @ Parker.renee i can understand your boyfriend not liking a fade, honestly it is a more harsh look on most women but autumn doesn't have a fade, she has some hair that is styled not to mention makeup and earrings and feminine clothing, plus they are MARRIED and she is PREGNANT and he didn't just express disdain for her hair, he JUMPED to SEPARATION. plus (and no offense meant) a grown MAN'S response should in NO WAY mirror that of your 20 year old (or around that) boyfriend!!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    After reading this letter I completely understand the situation at hand, being that I am natural and my husband makes remarks about my hair…..Not to the extinct that he would leave though. This topic comes up ALL the time when my and family get together….as a matter of fact last weekend my baby brother got married and before the wedding started my uncle and I were conversating about natural hair and he kept making jokes about it and was saying that "HE" knows that his wife better not go natural. He said that if she do, then he would die his hair blonde and get blue contacts! Lol….he is so crazy! He stated that he does not want to run his fingers thru kunta kinte' hair at night :(…..We found ourselves still conversating during the wedding and at the reception….Like who does that!!!!!Lol… But to get to the point about the topic…Sometimes we as women do not know the livlihood of men an what to them makes/complete them as men. We have no idea what goes on thru their head about being a man…Him having his wife with straight long hair could have increased his ego as a man that had the "trophy" wife….Beautiful,smart,intelligent,hardworking,attractive,LONG STRAIGHT HAIR,mother,lover,sexy, the list can go on. This to him is what stroked his ego and made him feel good about being a "MAN" and the fact that she changed the description in his world freaked him out! That's just a man. Most men do not like change. For all we/she know he may have never been around someone with natural hair let alone dated someone with natural hair. I don't think that there is anything going on outside of his marriage or that he is unhappy. There is just an adjustment to his list of descriptions of what qualifies him as man. Just my opinion….I tip my hat off to her,for being a woman that clearly knows how to be prudent,and wise about communicating to her husband….Way to go Girl…..

  • Anonymous says:

    the here and there comments putting down black men are stupid. just stop, your issues are showing and the tripe you are spewing have nothing to do with this situation….a man of any other race could pull some crazy ish like this even WORSE…it's not even a factor here…

  • Sabrina says:

    I'm not understanding how that turned around so easily. I wouldn't want to be with a man who like straight hair over the natural hair that grew out of my head. That's just me and yes I"m married and yes my husband never had a problem with my hair becuase he says he married me and NOT my hair. He likes it anyway I wear it.

  • Anonymous says:

    I totally understand and agree that he didn't communicate his desires very well. My husband also doesn't prefer my natural curly hair. I acknoweledged his preferences by straightening at least once a month.

  • beadgyrl says:

    Wow, you got some hella responses on this one! My heart goes out to you my dear. I experienced something close to your situation. For the past 2 years my boyfriend has given me HELL… pure HELL over my natural hair. I have had many, many ups and downs with him, but he finally got used to it. Every now and then I still get a smart comment, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I was shocked at your husbands initial approach to you….and yes, over some damn hair!?! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now, and we have NO kids together, and he never wanted to dump me over it. He requested me to straighten it a few times but never, 'we need to break up.' But again I do feel your pain. Because although there are some naturals who have very accepting and understanding sig-o's, there are many of us out here who DON'T. All I can say is hang in there, and stand your ground girl. Because if you give in and relax it for him, you WILL resent him for it, and then you are giving up YOU, and who YOU want to be. I refuse to do that. I am going to be me, no matter what. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. God Bless! : )

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  • KK says:

    I just want to take a step back from her husband's nonsense and say that I've seen the past posts of pictures throughout her growth journey. Her hair has really taken off in terms of growth. I'm growing out my TWA so I'm still in that dry hair/trying to find products that I love/not long enough to put in a ponytail but too long to be a cute cut awkward phase. She inspires me. But back to the topic, her husband's actions were completely asinine and I really hope this was merely a tantrum on his part and not something deeper. She's a clear catch to me and if he can't see what he truly has then then he's crazy.

  • Anonymous says:

    Sorry, not buying this whole post. This just doesn't sound right. If I am wrong then it's just a corny ass relationship!I wouldn't trust him with my child!

  • Anonymous says:

    i really wish misguided females like swirliecurlies would read their stupid generalization of a post and think about it before putting it out in the world. just to make it abundantly clear, swirlycurly u are the equivalent of dudes who generalize all black women as loud angry and finger snapping or all natural females as feminist lesbos. there are infinite number of black men who appreciate black women in all their natural glory and there are others who dont. fix ur attitude and stop pre-judging ppl and u might be in for a surprise. i personally have YET to encounter a single black male who fits the caricature so many of u color struck birds are so angry about. ughhhh. love who u love for who they are! not their color or hair texture or other superficial dotishness.

  • Anonymous says:

    Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN…This SUMS IT UP. PLEASE SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR…WHO THE HELL ASKED HIM IF WANTED ANOTHER WOMAN??

  • Anonymous says:

    Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN…This SUMS IT UP…PLEASE SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR! Who the hell asked him if he wanted another woman??

  • Anonymous says:

    ok clearly there's a whole bunch of sugar coating going on here cuz the story make no sense with that lovey dovey ending. i suspect u still got probs homegirl. goodluck with that.

  • Honeysmoke says:

    So sorry I am late to this party. His issue may not be with wife's hair, but he definitely has an issue with his wife. This story is not over.

  • Anonymous says:

    Leave his arse! It's more to it than your hair -that was the easy route.

    He didn't think enough of you to tell you after you got home from work. You've been natural for over a yr and he's just now getting the courage to say this to you.

    I'm sure there's more to come…BEWARE!

  • EmmaG says:

    What if she had told him on his lunch break that she thinks he should grow a couple o' inches down there or get a divorce, then say 'I'll never leave you, i don't want any other man'? She's pregnant/vulnerable, that's why she responded so well. Some people probably would have stopped that car, got out, grabbed a windshield wiper and whooped some African into him. It's true. Always some stupid black man with nappy hair, running around trying to whiten, lighten or straighten his woman. Still living on the plantation in his mind.

  • Anonymous says:

    I have to agree with some of the posts here. This was a cop out. He is a snake and will find something else to bicker about. However there was a reason the writer sent this to CN perhaps she too, deep in her heart knows its something more?

    In short, he ain't worth all that(you changing and tiptoeing around to make HIM happy).

  • Anonymous says:

    If there is someone else, your hubby is acting out by making the hair the excuse because his true image of beauty is long, flowing hair, I don't see how you get around that one.

    My concerns are:

    If you start relaxing to suit him, you won't be happy and fulfilled – will end up resenting him- and in the end, that may not be enough for him (depending on what his real issue is).
    If you don't relax your hair, he will possibly feel a loss of power and control. . . and will act out again.
    If you simply straighten at times, he will possibly still feel like he doesn't have the level of commitment (read: power and control) from you that he wants.
    If you keep the natural and don't do anything, he will surely act out again and again and again.

    I don't know how one compromises and keeps a healthy sustainable marriage in this face of something like this, but Good Luck!

  • Anonymous says:

    Good god almighty I'm just seething reading this article.. When did LOVE and RESPECT and LOYALTY become contingent on the texture of your hair.. As a married woman myself, I will call a spade a spade, and it's a cop out to believe that this is a childish rant..at no point in time is it ok ever to basically demean your partner in life and threaten to leave them because of their hair.. Say it out loud, and hear how asinine it sounds… Your husband is an ass for even thinking he could say this to you.. Please seek counseling because honey where there's smoke, theres FIRE. If something as simple as the way you wear your hair can trigger the we need to split conversation, this man is not happy!

  • Anonymous says:

    I love everyone is soooo upset over it…coz dang…i am too. praying for you sweetie!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank god i date interracially

  • Anonymous says:

    && ya'll still together?? I would've BEEN left. First it starts with the hair and ends up somewhere else.

  • Anonymous says:

    Though i believe that getting a divorce over hair is ridiculous at best, i think it is important for many of the commenters to remember that when they got together she had long, straight hair. So it is not as if he married her with natural hair and all of a sudden decided that he hated it now. It was obviously part of what attracted him to her. How is it any different from getting plastic surgery or other changes that go against what your partner likes, especially if you knew from the beginning his/her views. I believe that the deeper issue has more to do with him not feeling that his views were being considered. Yes it is nice and wonderful for the wife or the husband to do what makes them as individuals feel good but since you're not single anymore then more consideration needs to made to your spouse and his/her needs. Not being willing to compromise because each person is just looking to do what feels right for his/herselves often ends in divorce. Someone once said that you cant be a single woman in a marriage. I really do hope that they would seek to work out their differences with better communication and certainly compromise.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am not really one to give relationship advice, but I would say that if someone really and truly loves you, then they should accept EVERYTHING about you, and not be willing to leave you because you won't change to how THEY want you to be….

  • Anonymous says:

    At first I wanted to cry but I had to remember back when I was in my 5th year of marrige. I've been married 20 years now.My husband encouraged me to go natural when I was too scared to do it. Now I proudly sport my locs. Your husband was very insensitive with his comment. But imagine the conversation between him and his friend and the friend saying guess what my wife did for me. That in turn made her husbnd think if you love me like my boys wife loves him you will do the same. I don't think there is any underlying reasons for his comment. Men value others peoples marriages they just have to understand that what worked for his friends marriage is not always going to work for his. It's only been 5 years. Trust he is going to say more than enough stupid stuff for years to come. Just to see what you will do. In my old opinion, you're off to a good start. Stay Nappy!

  • Anonymous says:

    u poor thing. u already know what the "ISSUE" is my dear. Personally I would leave his ass. Pregnant and all. Life is too short. Me and my children could be happy with someone else. But still i wish u all the best, and i hope it never comes to divorce. I hope the two of you try marriage counselling before the "ISSUE" resurfaces and it will. If u choose to wear ur hair straight, it should be because u like it. not because ur pressured to. He cant see that ur beautiful no matter what. (FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE). would he like it if u wanted a divorce because he gained 10 pounds. Its so not about "nappy hair" 🙁 Divorce over ur hair(WTF) = check his phone n his facebook, and his friends. Im wondering where the white girl is hiding. 🙁
    Deprogram him mama, U can do it!!!!
    This is just my 2 cents. U can choose to ignore it, but ive seen this all before.

  • Anonymous says:

    also if i were her, i would make up a name and not use my picture…this is such personal info…

    dreams of curls, i think people are aware of that but to mention seperating to your WIFE who is pregnant, and while she's on her lunch break?? Because of HAIR?! WTF NO. It's just weird how people are giving him a pass because he's a man.

    This is something a deranged person with zero social skills would do…it's either he's that or there's something going on. He should be watching out for his wife and taking care of her as she's pregnant, yet he's about to split because of hair. Yeah right.

    At the end of the day though only he and God know the truth and nothing but the whole truth.

    The drama is just too much…

  • Dreams of Curls says:

    A few weeks ago I committed mentally to going "natural". My hair is just past the middle of my back in length and full. Besides the fact that I'm fine 🙂 when my hair is fresh, straight, bouncy and blowing in the wind men of all ages,races and creeds get caught up and are somewhat memorized by my hair. This story resonates a little because I wondered how my hair was going to affect my future affect on the opposite sex. While not everyone subscribes to the straight is better philosophy. We live in a very Euro-centric world. The Euro standard of beauty has invaded all ethnic cultures Asians, Indians, African ect..
    I mentioned to a couple friends I was going natural and the reaction was as if I said I was going to eat my young for dinner. One friend was upset with me and couldn't shut her mouth about why I shuldn't.
    Some of you are saying this lady's husband's issues are deeper than her hair being natural. That may or may not be true. What is true is the fact our hair causes issues that run deep for everyone that comes face to face with the "natural". It seems to stir up a variation of deep rooted emotions….that of empowerment, embarrassment, disdain, admiration, gilt,pride, anger, challenge, rebellion just to name a few. But we can't or don't communicate honestly those deep rooted emotions weather positive or negative.

  • Oniea says:

    Is just a psycho/sociopath.
    I've been the same situation ( but different). He can feel that 1. you have low self-esteem or low self worth( these things are usually not your fault, an abusive childhood,depression or constant rejection can cause this)2. you are in a vulnerable situation because of your pregnancy.
    He's taking advantage of those two factors. It will get worse.

  • luvmylocs says:

    even IF this is about more than hair, which i don't know if we can assume that either since things are good again i still maintain that his timing and actions were wrong because she was pregnant and in the middle of the workday. i know some don't agree but extreme upset (like a spouse threatening separation) during pregnancy could harm the baby and even cause pre-term labor in some women. that alone makes this whole things horrible in my book.

  • Anonymous says:

    There's something super fishy with the way he reacted. I hope that he can find a solution for whatever it was that was really bothering him. That said, I in no way condoning my partner saying "change your hair or i'll leave" but if your hair- style [or, sigh, texture] affects your attractiveness in his eyes then that's actually a very valid point. People divorce over weight gain or loss; drastic plastic surgery changes; and, i'm sure, hair all the time. It may seem trivial to many of us who have never experienced the *other* side of this story [I've never dated a guy who went from a low cut to dreads to a fro; and besides, women tend to think it's best to 'stick- it' and that our husband's physical changes aren't valid reasons to move on] but it's valid none the less. But, again, I think you're hubby may be dealing with something else. Is he overwhelmed being at home with baby? Is he nervous about the new- born? Does he feel neglected? It's odd that you yell, "we will not lose our love over hair" and he yells, "yeah… that's something i've thought about/might/could do." Good luck, mama!

  • Anonymous says:

    1. It wasn't about hair it was about him feeling like his wife was disregarding his feelings and desires. That's much deeper than people are making it out to be.
    2. Though this wasn't the most mature way to communicate it, it seems that he was threatening a separation to get his point across (though I am not sure he ultimately did since the convo centered around hair and not his feeling like she disregarded his inputs)

    It's always so tricky to weigh in on people's relationships when we can only see a glimpse of it and lack context.

  • luvmylocs says:

    hi autumn, i'm sorry you had to deal with this at all but especially (1) while you are pregnant and (2) while you were in the middle of your work day. his comment and even some of his responses to your questions were extreme and hurtful and while it can be forgiven it's just not acceptable to me at all and my marital status has nothing to do with how i feel. if this is what marriage is about then i don't know if that's what i want. i'm not saying your husband is a monster but who in their right mind suggests "splitting up" to a pregnant woman in the middle of her work day because of how she wears her hair?

    on so many levels you acted maturely and not at all like a hormone controlled pregnant woman – you didn't harm him or yourself. you thought things out and came up with good questions to talk about with your husband. you held your ground and didn't relax your natural hair. and finally, you seemed to have let this go and are not bitter about it. that said, i agree that counseling would be a very good idea. as many others have suggested there is more going on here without a doubt. a simple explanation might be that your husband has some sort of mental/emotional disorder and i'm not saying that the be funny at all.

    hugs….

  • Anonymous says:

    Sorry, I have to cosign with those who say this is about a lot more than just hair. I'm happy that she's come to a "compromise" of sorts, but I hope they go to some kind of counseling and identify what's really going on here. Otherwise I fear the next time we hear from her, she will be writing from her parents' house where she's moved in with the kids.

    And yeah, stories like this make me grateful that I'm already committed to being natural. I don't straighten my hair and I don't wear store-bought hair. What you see is what you get…and if you don't like it, no harm no foul…

  • dajewel1982 says:

    ummm, am sorry but this story seems so odd…and what are the "straight styles" that he wanted without straightening??

  • TiAnna Mae says:

    BTW, I'm not sure if this story is about the woman in the photo above, but you look gorgeous and your hair is super fly in the photo above. I can't imagine you with straight hair at this length, and it definitely wouldn't look as cute as what you have going on right now. IMO, but do you!!! I do not believe in divorce, but if he leaves, then toodoloo!!

    tiannamae.blogspot.com

  • MissB says:

    ^^MommieDearest…preach.

    And that's all I have to say…

  • Anonymous says:

    Side Note (sort of):
    I have a dear friend who is married and who was relaxed (and had a very classic look) but mostly wore her hair up prior to her getting married. She went natural for a few years into the marriage. They have one son. My friend started getting heat from her very "traditional" (or should I say conventional) mother-in law AND from her husband re: her natural hair. So, she relaxed her hair and started doing all kinds of interesting hairstyles, bright stylish clothes and great makeup. She looks great.
    Her husband , who was rather cold to her before she went back to relaxing, is even colder to her now and doesn't really show her much attention. Now, although she cooks fabulous meals, brings home some serious bacon, AND takes care of her whole family, she pours all of her emotional energy into their son and virtually treats him like the spouse. She is still married, but not happy with her husband.
    I don't know all the details of their marriage, but (from the outside looking in) it seems as though her hair was just a tangible excuse he could give his mother, himself and my friend to be cold -as idiotic as that may seem. Even though she straightened her hair, his attitude got worse. She says negative things about her husband all the time and has done so in front of their son. Not a good situation.

    To Autumn:
    Just some food for thought. This is what your life could look like down the line. Get help for your marriage and don't be afraid to be completely honest with yourself, accept the truth (whatever that may be) and act in the best interest of ALL involved (including yourself).
    Peace!

  • TiAnna Mae says:

    If I were her, I'd be counting down the time before I needed to pack me and baby girl's bags up. This man has issues, to say the least, and it's only a matter of time before they resurface. Maybe he's on the DL; that's the only reason I can think of that hair would be that serious.

    tiannamae.blogspot.com

  • MsXpat says:

    Without knowing the relationship history its seems unfair to comment. However, well done for keeping your cool and talking through it. No doubt some men black or otherwise can't seem to accept natural hair whether or not he's had a sibling with natural hair as a child. We working against years of negative publicity and sterotypes for natural hair. The same way we have to educate/re-educate society about the beauty of natural hair, we also need to do that our loved ones. Sometimes just being happy and comfortable in our own skin makes makes the point.

  • MommieDearest says:

    Whether hubby was actually upset about her hair, or upset about something else and used hair as an excuse, or is simply a bad communicator- IMO it matters a damn. Bottom line is that he is selfish and a narcisist (sp?)and possibly a control freak. Just the very fact that he would call her on her job, while she is 5 months pregnant, with some bullsiht says that he has no problem putting his own desires above hers, no matter how inappropriate. What would have happened if she had gone into hysterics in the car and they had an accident as a result? What if she went into a depression? What if she had been so upset that she fainted? Had a miscarriage? They are very, VERY fortunate that she was able to keep it together and be rational in the face of his nonsense.

    I think the last thing that she needs to worry about with this man is hair. Any man that is so high-maintenance that he would put his wants over his wife's personal safety is…, well….. dang, I have no words to express it…

  • TwistedSister says:

    Its hard to see this anyway but irrefutably insensitive. Your husband may be reacting to the fact that life is changing again with a new baby on the way. He wants to see the old you again, as it just so happens, the old you had straight hair. I think you handled it well, but I have to admit my first response would have been, "oh well…"

  • Ash says:

    Here is Autumn's big chop story:
    http://www.curlynikki.com/2011/02/i-big-chopped-autumn.html

    She is such a beautiful woman.(I love her freckles!) I don't understand why her husband would take such drastic measures over something so trivial. I have to agree with the majority & say there are some underlying issues that must be resolved in order for you to have a successful marriage.

  • Crystal says:

    @ All who say this is her business LOL This was her business when she kept it her business but once she shared it on a blog, she invited other people into her business. I am sure she did this, because she wanted to read these healthy and unhealthy responses, to try and get affirmatin for what she already knows about her situation.
    People don't just say they want a divorce because of a hair change. That's just like him shaving and she saying she don't like him without hair on his face and he didn't inform her about the decision and she wasn't a divorce.
    Bits and pieces of this story have been eliminated. I sincerely pray she gets the answer(confirmation) she already knows.

  • Sophie says:

    I already posted, but I have another comment after reading some more comments. I do think that sharing this story opened the whole thing up to people giving their opinions. I think she took the *much* higher ground in this situation, so that's a good thing to take from this. That said, it's not like we overheard this argument from our front yard and then started making all kinds of comments on it. It's posted on the internet by the choice of the person involved. For the most part, it seems like people who disagree wish her well, but don't think something that elicited that sort of threat to end a marriage should be brushed off because it could turn into something that will make both of them profoundly unhappy.

  • Anonymous says:

    Not trying to sound negative…but the fact that he was willing to throw your marriage away over hair sounds strange to me. I think there was way more to the story and the comment on your hair was a copout. I mean your hair may have bothered him but there probably is a deeper issue and this may have been the icing on the cake. Are you sure there may not be another women involved (ie cheating)? I strongly suggest marriage counseling because I don't think the issue has been resolved it just sounds like it may be buried. I wish you and your family the best.

    Nicole

  • Melissa says:

    @Lacoya S…good for you. loved your comment. Her marriage..her business…point blank.

  • mizznaturallyme says:

    Wow. I'm not married, but I'm in grad school for marriage counseling. I have to agree that the real issue has not been addressed. Calling it quits over hair when you have a child and one in the oven is insane. It makes absolutely no sense. And when that happens, it's time to start looking where the fire really is. If he felt invalidated and ignored, wouldn't it have been much easier to simply say that? I commend her for her response, it could have gotten really ugly, really quickly and that would not have been good for anyone. I know me and it would have gone down a totally different way, probably ending with a neccessary divorce because he would not have been able to get over the things I would have said lol. But seriously, I don't think this is over, only the beginning of something bigger.

  • Sugabelly says:

    Sorry but her husband is a fucking douche.

    If she was white would he have told her that he didn't like her own hair? Why is it only Black women that people develop the temerity to do this to.

  • Anonymous says:

    In response to some folks not liking how some responded to this story, this is a social, public forum. If the poster wasn't open to what people thought about it, I don't think she would have posted the story. People come from different walks of life; we all have different ways we might have responded to this situation. Anyhow, this story just made me appreciate my husband. I'm glad we can discuss things before they get blown out of proportion. And we accept each other, flaws and all…his X-Box gaming and my constant need to have the heat on. : – ) Our marriage isn't perfect, but we are always working on making our marriage better each day. I think it comes down to what two people decide works best in their marriage.

  • Anonymous says:

    That New York Times article was deep I will have to keep a mental note of that in my marriage…to the guest blogger who wrote this I wish you the best of luck in your marriage i cant imagine my husband coming out his mouth about MY hair however you know your husband better then any of us and if you choose to forgive his actions then you know what you are doing. All the best

    whisper29

  • Jeannette says:

    I know this may sound blunt but it's with ALL due respect…I say speak to a LICENSED MARRIAGE COUNSELOR! The fact that he wanted to split up over your hair choice is beyond me. I believe many of us here on this site (perhaps maybe not Nikki as she is a trained professional) are really not equipped to give our "two cents" about this matter. Autumn, I seriously think that you and your husband need to speak to a trained professional and I wish you all the best!

  • Anonymous says:

    God Bless You and thank you for sharing. Men are very visual. Marriage is a rollercoaster. God forbid if this type of thinking/failure to express oneself meets chemo. Married/committed women should definitely speak with their partner about everything, at all times (consistently). This includes your hair journey.

  • Kasey says:

    I seriously doubt that a small issue such as hair should have the ability to completely make a marriage fall apart.
    I feel as that that was really immature of your husband. If he's acting out over something like hair (especially when he probably knows how much it matters to you)– when bigger problems arise~ is he guaranteed to loose his complete cool then?
    Honestly this doesn't sound like the makings of a stable marriage.
    Either that, or this post/rant can be attributed to your pregnancy hormones. Thus making you highly emotional over seemingly major things 🙂

  • Gretchen says:

    Wow! What an amazing story! Incredible.

  • Anonymous says:

    Forgot to mention that you need to check his phone records leading up to when he called you @ work…

  • Anonymous says:

    Eeww, that is some ish. All I can say is good luck girl friend. Like many others have posted, I am not trying to be a downer, but I have been in a relationship or two and men don't leave you because your hair is nappy, especially when you are his wife. He says you turn him off, but he obviously had sex with you because you are pregnant. I am not trying to upset you but that conversation he had with you was a warning, that if he is not already with someone else, he has his eye on someone. You better watch the home front for signs of intruders. Sounds like his 7 year itch is coming a bit early.

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree with Brianna. My intial thoughts were hell no! It's something else! but I think that he was bs-ing you to get his way. Second, if there is a deeper issue, it is that he needs to reasses how he views Black beauty. My cousin is always getting on me on my hair. if his wife went natural I could see him pulling the same childish move. Honestly, this is the hair I was born with! Would you tell me to get a nose job? surgically change my eye color to green? bleach my skin? No! Then it's not okay to expect me to chemically alter my hair to have bone straight ("traditionally not afro-textured hair). Trust me, I have no problems with someone wearing their hair relaxed, brazilian blowout or whatever. The deeper/real question is what is your motive? do you just like the look, managability, etc or are you disgusted with the texture of you hair because it's "too black". i wear my hair kinky curly or straight because I just like it, damn it!

  • Anonymous says:

    I don't know what to make of this.

    If he was serious abt leaving over some hair, he's shallow and doesn't prioritize the relationshp. If he wasn't serious abt leaving over some hair he is a really poor communicator who uses ultimatums to get what he wants.

    Have Autumn considered marriage counseling? It really might be needed.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, leave it up to a guy to start attacking for the wrong reasons. I'm glad that you and your husband was able to work things out. He should have just come out and say that he's not liking some of the hair styles. No need to have a woman all worked up while she's with child.

  • LifenotesEncouragement says:

    22 years married here….all i have to say is this post while honest, made me upset because he clearly has no regard for her feelings. as a man you dont need to give ultimatums to make you a man.
    if he's being this stubborn about hair, i cant imagine what would happen if it were something of more consequence.
    to me hair is one of those things that's just not a dealbreaker – my hair, your hair, the children's hair…
    if he felt his feelings were not being taken in to consideration about other things, then there's much better ways to handle it.
    was he really willing to leave? this whole post just rub me the wrong way.

  • Ayana says:

    Girl! He is up to no good and is using your "hair" as his justification. Sorry! It's just how I see it. And, if his a** isn't complaining now and you have yet to straighten your hair, I suggest you start to watch his behavior and see if it changes. I would also set up a nanny cam at my house, because something is up.

    Far too many times, men make demands of women to justify their own insecurities and guilt. How dare he lay this on you in the middle of your pregnancy! There is definitely a larger issue like his trifling ways.

  • Anonymous says:

    Autumn please look at your marriage a little closer. There is more to this then just about your hair. Im married and was in a very similar situation. My husband came to me and stated that we needed to seperate over something that was so small and at the time i was also six months pregnant. We discussed the small issue and i thought everything was Ok until about a month later i found out that he was cheating on me and that was his true reason for wanting to seperate. No one risk losing there whole family over HAIR.

  • Anonymous says:

    LIKE WHOA!!!! I am so sad for you. I hope you see the beauty in you, and continue to let it radiate, despite the negativity you have to deal with. You have a great community here at curlynikki.com that is supportive of you.

    Jay

  • Anonymous says:

    This is insane and really hard for me to believe. But I've heard of a marriage ending for petty, immature issues…and there are controlling men out there.

    All I have to say is, beware! He was too ready to split over nonsense, and you never know what foolishness he may come up with next. His readiness to split also makes me wonder if he was up to some dirt on the side, and was looking for a non-reason to justify leaving. I'm sorry, but it had to be said. Be blessed and seek counseling–there's something else going on here.

  • Anonymous says:

    Sorry that you had to experience this especially while pregnant. but between the two year old, time spent with hair (lol and we can spend time with our hair) and the new baby coming he may just feel like he has no control over anything. (whatever that means to him)
    Now that you have opened the lines of communication, keep it going. I have been married for 11 years, with two kids and went natural within the last two years.
    When baby number two came, we worried how we could do this emotionally and financially and all the stuff that comes with it. It's been rough and communication is the most important factor.

    I am happy for the outcome, just keep fighting to make it work.

  • aWickedRose says:

    Like honestly men feeling like they're not being heard when their women are pregnant is REALLY REALLY common. We get emotional and hormonal and the baby is in our body and so we feel super connected and we can just get to steamroller status quickly. But if that's how he feels that's what he should have said. What he did right here was really hurtful. He's lucky Autumn loves him and their family so much because that would have sent most women over the top.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! Tell him to go buy you a nice lacefront. When he sees those prices he might think twice. lol.

  • Anonymous says:

    I understand what everyone is saying but men are simple, I'm pretty sure there is no underlining reason as to why he would rather his wife to have straight hair other than the fact that its his preference. I feel as women we sometimes dig deeper to find a "real reason" when the reason is staring us in the face. He doesn't like natural hair and clearly never will but I highly disagree with him jeopardizing his family for it. I think his motive was to scare her because like she said he felt that he was being ignored and clearly wanted to do something drastic to get her attention and he got it! Did he go about it the right way , no but some men suck at expressing their feelings. At least the man was honest and he told her, I always read what some women on here say about their husbands supporting their natural hair. I have more male acquaintances then female and those that are in relationship say things to avoid disagreements. In closing I'm glad you were able to compromise with your hair without losing yourself. I hope you have a LONG, loving, healthy and happy marriage and new baby 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Ultimately it's up to those two people what they decide to do with their marriage but sometimes the simplest explanation is best. It seemed like a rant to me so maybe that's what it was.

  • Rhonda C says:

    Ladies, I have 3 fish, 2 daughters and1 husband of 19 years! I have NEVER heard of such *ish in all of my life. She is a much more understanding woman than I could ever be……..that's all I got!
    ~Rhonda C

  • Anonymous says:

    "I agree with Tootie. That seems a little far fetched that he would want to leave over her hair, I think he was saying that to cover up for the real reason."

    I definitely agree…something in the milk ain't clean….Your post really affected me somehow, I'm almost in distress for you…I just hope this is all there is…good luck to you and your husband OP

  • Anonymous says:

    I really have no words for this. I also think huge chunks of the story are missing. If your husband is willing to lose his marriage over hair, there is an ice cube's chance in hell I'm getting married or going on a date.

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm sorry but your husband has to be the worst communicator I have heard of…this is just…I don't even know where to start…

    I'm happy LOVE conquered all this time…dang…

  • TheRYL1 says:

    "Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN."

    This right here did it for me. I can't imagine comparing myself to, or wondering about measuring up to HIS FRIEND'S WIFE!!! WOW!

    I, too, think the situation is deeper than hair. Why do some men HAVE to grind the woman down to a nub? Does that make him feel a BIGGER man? Better yet, why do some women accept it?

    I don't know…I'm just thankful I'm not in that position.

  • FabEllis says:

    This honestly and truly sounds crazy to me! I mean, that is a drastic statement to make over hair. I know many men do not like the natural look on women but I have never met a man that was unwilling to be with me because of my hair. It sounds like the issue is deeper than hair and I have to agree with another responder, she might want to watch out. This doesn't look like just a hair issue at all and it seems like something that will come back up at a later time. I'm still shocked by what I just read… Wow!

  • Anonymous says:

    your husband, your life, your hair. I don't know what I would do if I was not able to honestly "do me."

    …..and I must confess sometimes I do want straight hair, but I am unwilling to relax again at this time.

  • PhenomenallyMe says:

    Autumn, You are a gorgeous woman and I pray that this is something that strengthens your relationship. I commend you for standing your ground and even more, being extremely proactive about protecting your marriage. Thanks for sharing your story. God Bless.

  • Anonymous says:

    Sounds to me like he wanted a "temporary single pass" so he could explore some sidepiece that he met online, at the store or at the gym.

    He wanted to start some mess so he could do what he wanted for a couple of months cause the stress of being a man, father and father of two was getting to him so he needed to create chaos so he could sneakily get his rocks off elsewhere.

    His issues have jack to do with her hair or his not being heard…he is going to mess up and the collateral damage is going to be a mess but this "man" is on some whole other mess.

  • Anonymous says:

    IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE IT WAS A DISCUSSION THAT WAS LOOOONGGGGG OVERDUE! However, I hope that they will work through their issues. God know's I would like to see more black couples committed to saving their relationships/marriages.

  • Venita says:

    I agree with anon 12:30…..WTH and watch out!!! This man has issues and I hate that you had to deal with this while being pregnant. I am impressed by your calm demeanor, but I don't trust this man.

  • Tgoodmill says:

    OMG IM speechless.

  • Pecancurls says:

    Autumn, your hair looks great! Congratulations on the pregnancy. I am no expert on marriage. 15 years, 2 kids, one year transition and one month natural later my husband was not thrilled about my natural state since he had seen me permed for 20 years. Marriage is about compromise — give a little, get a little. Hair may not seem that important, but it is a part of the sum that makes you the person your spouse/partner committed him/herself to. My hubs knew going natural was important to me because I wanted to lose baby #2 weight (I've since lost 25 pounds). We have talked openly during my transition and through various hairstyles. He realized he was not wild about braids or weaves, so I did mostly twist outs and updos. I think that part of the lesson may be to always talk….letting things stew and fester will lead to seemingly wild and left field statements. I am glad that you two kept the lines of communication open. Wishing you nothing but happiness from this point forward.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think it is necessary in a relationship to have communication and to "listen" rather than to just "hear" your significant other. But the image and natural beauty of the Black Woman is slowly deteriorating, we need to learn our history, where we come from, who we are, and embrace our beauty, because we are jaded. Trust and believe.

  • Tasha says:

    Wow, I don't feel like I can comment a) because I'm not married b) I haven't been in that serious of a relationship to know how to react… I don't know how to finish that sentence :s.

    But, you are a very brave lady to handle it like that, I feel like my hurt feelings and pride would make to tell him to step! Easy said by me, unmarried no kids. I think his behaviour was disgraceful though. He could of came at you a hundred different ways, rude or otherwise but to tell his partner like that, kids or no kids married or not, was so wrong I can't find words for it….

    I can't say much but your your sake I hope he can redeem himself from this one and I hope you truly forgive him. I feel like I would resent him for not just what he said but how he said it. Crazyness

  • fuzzypuff says:

    He's not upset about your hair…

  • Anonymous says:

    Again he said the underlying issue I quote I FELT LIKE YOU WERE IGNORING HOW I FELT! The hair is just the focal point because it expresses how the wife feels and is very important her! And depending on the level of being deprived of a thing is the level of pay off you go after to get it IE your hair or your marriage! You said he is a good hubby so that means he not a complete jerk just a moment for him out of desperation! Sweetheart take care of your mans need to feel important to you and he won't keep asking you to prove it by this type of ultimative! The pay off what of been big for him if you did it so it must be pretty bad or along time since he felt the most important to you! Some people turn to cheating glad he used the hair to get a wake up call and not that. We woman are too quick to paint our men as the bad guy because of all the bad experiences we've had with men (dads including) let him be the good guy most days he'll live you for it! And don't let anyone including us bloggers make him the bad guy! He married you yaw got a beautiful family he stays home with the baby you said both of you cook! He sounds like a cool dude to me and there are lots of woman too quick to give him instant gratification to replace his lack of needs being met! Your choose marriage be accoutable to it both of you!

  • Anonymous says:

    Sometimes I wish we could tell these men to grow one of THEIR body parts, thicker, longer and more to OUR satisfaction or we're leaving THEM. I admire the writer for sharing her story and for handling an immature tantrum in a REALLY mature way. I'm admire her more for being willing to compromise without sacrificing herself in the process.

  • Bmw says:

    I thank goodness that I am dating with my natural hair. You handled it way better than I could pregnant. Bless u.

  • Anonymous says:

    First of, let me say to Autumn- you are beautiful and blessed to have a second baby on the way. I am sure that this is a very vulnerable time for you and the hormones and emotions are swinging faster than Tarzan through the jungle. Lol! Hang in there girlfriend! Everything is gonna be alright!

    Perhaps your hubby is nervous about the demands of an expanding family and his responsibility in being the kind of husband and father he would like to be. I commend your ability to step back and handle this situation in a mature fashion. I couldn't be easy to feel some of the emotions his words caused. Our hair is so important to us, due to all of the social and psychological implications surrounding it. Therefore, if ANYONE, but especially a dear loved one, says something which makes us feel uncomfortable about it, the natural inclincation is to go into war mode.
    Sometimes, people will exaggerate their feelings or find fault with something that they know "pushes our buttons" to get our attention. You hubby may not like natural hair, but perhaps not to the extent that he expressed it. I agree with those who suggest that there could be something deeper.
    Go with love (including self love), understanding and kindness!

  • Shaprice says:

    Honestly Im a very strong willed person and if my husband said he was leaving because of my hair I would have showed him the door after I finished laughing. Of course that would have been wrong to laugh, but are you kidding me? My Hair is why you are leaving I wouldnt have believed that for a minute. So I think you did a great job in getting to the bottom of it but I wouldnt have responded so well to that at all.

  • Anonymous says:

    Well, I am married and I must say, she really handled the situation better than I would have but still that's what you do, You talk it out. Being married for 7 years, (married my high school swt heart at 22)I will tell anyone, Marriage is work and you have to be willing to fight for it. Now did he come off the wrong way, Yes, but Ladies you all know that MEN SOMETIMES DONT THINK!! I'm not giving him an excuse however I really feel that this man did not want to end his marriage. My momma always use to say that "People will tell you just what they want and need if you take the time to listen". Clearly, he has been trying to tell her that this really bothered him however he just picked the Worst Way and Time to say it. As long as they keep the communication flowing, they will be fine. I should know, 7 years strong, about to be turning 30years and loving me and my fam! I will keep this couple in Prayer!

  • Anonymous says:

    Underlying issue he feels like his feels are being ignored! Your pregnant and likely full of feelings! He sounds ignored insecure about his position as her man! As a house wife he sounds like a invalidated wife who's fed up with feeling like an insignificant entity in the house and there here is just a focal point to the underlying issue cause it represents a strong brave independent woman. Try validating his more sensible concerns and relaxing your persona when you come into the house and becoming more of a we I bet he will forget about the hair! I have to tell my hubby all the time when you step in the door turn your work mentality off we're just woman and kids here soften up there's
    no battle here. Both of u need to make inward changes that validate each other as a person and a couple! In my experience problems in a marriage is a both thing and stuff like this is a call to change! He knows how important your hair is to you so that's what he choose to get validation of how important he is to you! Change both your behavior not the hair!

  • michelle says:

    I remember Autumn's "i big chopped" article. She is a beautiful woman with beautiful hair, and it is a shame that her husband has never accepted it. It sounds like he has been anti-natural from the moment she chopped, and that is sad. I hope that he becomes more mature, and gets over himself. But you know, there are men who are just 100% into a certain 'look', marry women for that look, and then get mad because the woman has gained weight, changed her hair, become ill, or otherwise lost that 'look.' Ironically most of these men do not look the same as they looked when they got married, but that is often irrelevant. I hope that her husband is not that superficial, because otherwise I don't think occasionally wearing straight styles will address the deeper issue.

    I'm married, and I chopped this July after a 14 month transition. My husband, fortunately, likes my hair. If he didn't, I honestly don't think that I would straighten my hair regularly, but it would hurt to know that he doesn't like it. On the one hand, it's 'just hair' and not worth losing my marriage. But the idea/assumption that 'compromise' means 'the wife changes to make the husband happy' would set off all my alarm bells and cause me to rethink the whole relationship. At a minimum we'd end up in therapy.

    My father hates natural/kinky hair and likes long hair. I think his preferences are the reason my mom wore weaves and wigs for years. She still weaves, but it's more 'curly' instead of long and straight; he'd probably prefer straight but seems OK with the curly weaves as long as they aren't 'too nappy.' I am dreading his reaction when he sees me over the holidays (I had it flat ironed the last time that I went home but I plan to wear a twist out). I really hope the poster's husband is not like my father, because that attitude is entrenched.And I know that my father will never change.

  • Anonymous says:

    WOW! Autumn, Wow. I just don't know what to say. My feelings are so hurt by your husband's comments, I can only imagine how you must have felt. You were extremely brave to share this issue. With all the things we as black folk already have to deal with, its a shame that hair is such a devisive issue. It's easy for me to judge when I don't know him, but I suspect your husband is a lot more supportive than this post reflects. My prayer is that this is just a little speed bump and not a sign of something much bigger down the road. My sincere hope for you is that you guys will work this out and move on. Good luck! (mzcnnd)

  • Anonymous says:

    Omg! This sounds close to what happened to me. I'm 11 months into my transition and my husband hates it. Wants me to go back to the relaxer. I just want to get to the stage where I don't care what other people think about my hair. Once I get to that stage, I will be better off.

  • Anonymous says:

    WOW! I am married and throughout the past few years I've been married I've learned that communication is VERY VERY important. I've also learned that people especially men have a hard time expressing their feelings and as women sometimes we need to give our men space or communicate with them differently.
    I feel her husband did exactly that he didn't communicate his feelings clearly even though his feelings may be coming from something deeper that don't have to deal with her. Maybe he has an idea of what the ideal women should look like and in his mind "nappy" hair is not his picture perfect women. But, I think she handled the situation very well. She basically laid everything on the table about the type of women she is and made him see the type of women and family he is willing to leave over hair. Going further I think he needs to think before he speak before he says something that would make her definitely leave him. I also think it was selfish of him to contact her in the middle of the day at work over some hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    Maybe I can't relate b/c I've been natural all my life and every guy I've ever dated has seen me natural (Black, White, Hispanic), but I don't see how a guy can say something so petty and you not AT LEAST be concerned about his real love for you.

    I've put on about 50lbs and my exes still act attracted to me, and I am sure it isn't about my looks.

    Maybe it's got to do with how you respond to his wishes GENERALLY and it's not about the hair at all, but if it is, I would be really concerned.

  • Anonymous says:

    Does some of you "God fearing" people ever take into consideration that not everyone's Christian and not everyone believes in GOD? I hate the stereotype/assumption that being Black in American = Christian. SMDN

  • Tiffany says:

    I will say that I am fairly new to this site (probably 2 mths.new)…And, I combed this site for any information that would help me on my natural hair journey. And,I remember reading a post about Autumn's BC. I had to do a search to make sure it was her…And, it was…On that particular post she too, stated that her husband was not happy with her natural hair. But, reading her post today, brought me saddness for her and her marriage(and her children). I have my own opinions, however I don't fully know ALL of the details of their married life, so unfortunately I cannot comment. With all that being said, and although I do not know you, I think you are a beautiful woman of God. I pray that things get better in your marriage, and during your hair journey. I work closely in our marriage ministry, and there are a ton of great resources out there for marriages. One book I will suggest is titled, His Needs, Her Needs by Williard Harley. It is an interesting read (and can be a real eye opener). You can probably find it on amazon or at Lifeway book stores (or even your local library). Continue to be encouraged. May God pour His blessings down on your marriage today and always.

    Blessings,

    Tiffany

    BTW YOUR hair is BEAUTIFUL!

  • CurlyInTheA says:

    Damn, Damn, Damn — That was my immediate reaction. But now I'm gonna take a breath and *Woosah* Me: Married 16 years, 3 kids, natural for 95% of the marriage.

    My husband prefers straight hair, but I wear my naturally curly hair. Is it a big issue? It's really about compromise. More importantly, the style of my hair is NOT a dealbreaker.

    My husband met me with straight hair; that doesn't mean that my hair will stay straight or I'll keep the same style through the remainder our marriage. It's all about expectations. Few things stay the same as far as appearances go when it comes to long-term marriages.

    Men become bald, have thinning hair (he does). For the most part, women stay despite their men's hair "issues", so I don't know why this husband expects anything different about a hair style. The woman could very well likely get traction alopecia. I can relate to this, since bald isn't attractive on all men (my husband has a square head, so the bald look might not suit him well. However, if he lost all his hair, that wouldnt' be a dealbreaker.

    Secondly, we as women have hair issues, so I don't know why we don't expect men to have them as well.

    As far as my relationship, my husband loves me for me. And we work through it. I straighten my hair from time to time becaue he likes it and I do too. My husband says I'm beautiful no matter what style I wear.

    I think when you are married for a long time, there are going to be things about your spouse that you like and that you don't like in terms of appearance, but you get over it. Let me clear: If my husband had uttered what the author said her husband said to her, he might have gotten cut. For real. This husband manipulated his wife — and that's wrong. Further, we know a lot more about what chemicals do to unborn babies and my answer would have been a swift, NO!, because it would potentially harm my child.

    You can work through a hair style; it's a change that's temporary. She can straighten her hair from time to time sans chemicals; get a straight weave or a wig if she's worried about heate damage.

    Do I think there's some other ish going on? Damn skippy. If he's like this about hair, he may think the same thing about weight, especially if she puts on a few pounds post-pregnancy, so beware.

    As far as styling, if a husband sees that his wife is miserable about wearing straight hair, and he continues to manipulate her to do it, something is very, very wrong with HIM.

  • Anonymous says:

    BRAVO, Lacoya S.!! You hit the nail on the head!!
    Autumn, great post and I wish you continued happiness with your hair AND your marriage!!

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm not surprised that her husband would consider leaving over natural hair. Physical attraction is very important to a lot of men. If a man is no longer physically attracted to his partner, depending on his value system, emotional maturity etc, he might consider leaving. Her husband wasn't attracted to her with natural hair. Period. He's entitled to his preferences. I'm not saying I agree with his approach or viewpoint, but I can see how it could happen. Some men are very shallow when it comes to physical appearance. There was a survey recently where a high percentage of men said they would consider leaving their wife if she gained a significant amount of weight. Sad, but true.

  • Anonymous says:

    To me this sounds CRAZY!!!!! His daughter's hair is beautiful, but his wife's hair is ugly. Is there a texture issue going on here? Is his wife on the higher number end of the curl spectrum? NAPPY STYLES as he calls them.

    Would he say that if she had a different texture of natural hair?
    So he wants her to wear more straight styles. How often is too often? Is he going to think she is ugly when her hair isn't straight?

    "Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN"

    WHAT THE HECK IS THAT CRAP??????!!!!!!

    He probably wouldn't say that if she had long hair. Even it was on the kinkier side as long as it is LONG. He needs to give it some time. If she constantly wears her hair straight, she won't have any hair left.
    Someone mentioned that he might want her to "sex it up" a little. So does that mean that coily/kinky hair isn't sexy?
    Get some braids with straight hair at the ends that you can curl up and do different styles with, without damaging your hair.

    Show him some videos and articles about the brainwashing of men when it comes to beauty and natural hair. His hair grows out of his scalp a certain way is HE ugly? Should you divorce HIM?

    If he still doesn't get it and won't leave you alone about it, then start saving your money so you can be prepared to leave him when he cheats on you with a woman with straight hair because she "listened to him" and he didn't feel "ignored" by her.

  • Jay Lewis says:

    Please read Corinthians 13:4 together.

  • Anonymous says:

    And JUST to clear up any confusion…my comment is NOT justifying what he did

    NOR

    is it saying that he IS/ISN'T a snake and something else isn't up. BUT, I'm not the person to say….no one knows more about her relationship more than her. She is the one qualified to make the BEST conclusions about HER relationship. 🙂

    BTW 100 FOR YOU COCO!!!! (Maya)

    I totally agree that in spite of all of my explanation….he DOES need to do better! LOL (But honestly, who doesn't?)

  • Anonymous says:

    So as I read this my mouth literally dropped open. I really thought she was going to say her busband wanted to discuss perming the child's hair. A bit dramatic and I totally agree with Tootie's response. But I feel a little torn, my knee jerk reaction wouldve been to shut down and tell him to get to stepping. Later I wouldve searched my mind for answers. Although she loves her hair her husband has to look at her. And having been in a relationship where my other half decided to sport a Punk Rocker type Mohawk (that thing was bald on both sides and spiked in the middle) I can understand the frustration of looking at the person you love and not liking what you see. However I never offered an ultimatum, or really mentioned it. He knew I didnt care for his hair style didnt stop him from wearing it for over six months. When you love someone you deal with different things. He should not have put that kind of stress on her, especially while pregnant. But her man is human and there are times when we dont handle situations right, or express ourselves properly.

  • Anonymous says:

    I totally agree with awickedrose. It's totally possible that he feels that his opinions don't matter in other areas and he's pitching a fit over something small. I'm also sure that Autumn isn't going to divulge every personal part of this dcussion since the part about hair is what's relevant to us. Kudos to you girl, for finding a balance between what you want for yourself and making your husband feelthat his pinion matters.

  • MissMesa88 says:

    Autumn, I've been waiting on an update from you. I remembered when Nikki posted the interview once you Big Chopped and I can clearly recall you saying your husband teased and says he doesn't like beady beads. You also said he'll probably get adjusted once you get some hang time and its sad that he hasn't. I don't think he was really going to leave, I do believe he just felt that you didn't consider his feelings so his approach to get everything to change should resemble the one his friend used on his wife.

    I couldn't fathom what that felt like considering I'm not married nor am I a mother. Your strengh inspired me. Not only were you strong for choosing not to blow up, but you were strong enough to hold aside your feelings (regardless of how insensitive and childish he was) just to fight to keep the marriage you have. I wish you and your family well. God Bless you all and congrats on the baby!

  • Anonymous says:

    "-Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY." <<<<<<< WTF?!

  • Maya says:

    Thank you, MrManWithSomeSENSE. (Anonymous 1:45) No one should be evaluating their marriage and saying what she should or shouldnt think about her man… but the man who spoke is at 1:45 is correct. He needs to do better. Love better. Try harder. Love her enough to learn to communicate BETTER. For the sake of his marriage and children.

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm sorry but that just doesn't make sense to me. How does not explaining your feelings well come across as 'we need to split up' that's nonsense.

  • KC says:

    @DFig!!! Thanks for posting this article:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

    There is a lot of inspiration and encouragement there. Sometimes our strength is really put to the test, and we have to "woman up."

    My heart hurts for the OP. Hope that all is well with your family.

  • Anonymous says:

    If my man were to say something like this to me (and at a time like that) I would definitely fall out of love with him.. not saying it wouldn't be painful or that I wouldn't have love for him in general as my husband and father of my children but, romantic love? nope. done. totally turned off forever.

    have the baby. get my ducks in a row and respectfully inform him when the time is right for me to move on.

  • Anonymous says:

    OK I'm the husband of brown_Beauty 08. She sent me this post via email with the subject line "Woah". I share her sentiments exactly. Like you said, this isn't a hair issue. This is a communication issue. He needs to be able to express himself more effectively than providing you ultimatums. This is unfair to you and your future child. Going forward he needs to say right then and there if he doesn't like a hair style and how it makes him feel. No more of this bottle it up and dump you crap. Secondly, Why does he care so much about what his friend wife did? That's not his wife, that's not his life. He needs to get over that. Just because she is willing to be unhappy doesn't mean you should be. Relationships are all about compromise. He is very lucky that you took the time to think about it and question him. What if you just packed your stuff and left? He wasn't ready for that. I salute you for being patient, but he needs to get it together coming at you like that in the middle of the work day while you're 5 months pregnant. This dude had me fired up and I don't even this damn forum. SMH

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm with 'anonymous at 1:02PM' – I'm not sure exactly what he said given her statement about "those were not his exact words". What we know is that is what she heard, but I'm not certain what he said so I'll have to hold off evlauting the situation until then. Even so, it was a little disturbing that the compromise is to wear straight styles sometimes. In any event, marriage is about compromise between two people. Whatever people are willing to give up to make it work is up to them. I think I would feel differently if it were me but I probably put up with some stuff that others might not. Everybody has to pick and choose their battles…..I guess.

  • Anonymous says:

    *sigh*

    This is why I don't like reading/posting about relationship issues. People will read an excerp, not knowing the complexity and/or history of a relationship, and immediately throw in "Well, she tripping", "What IIII would've done", "Girl, he is _____ type of man", "Girl he don't want you", "Girl he was REALLY mad about something else", "Girl, he is a dog", "The REAL problem is..".

    Nobody is really qualified to weigh in on this woman's relationship except HER and GOD. If you're single….ENOUGH SAID. If you've been married for God knows how long, it hasn't been to this man, so you're STILL not qualified. What's really horrific is comments stating that this woman's husband is something other than what he really might be.

    Many men have TRUE communication issues and don't know how to express their true emotions…especially African-American men. When they feel they have been done wrong and are hurt in a relationship, they rarely speak up about it, because they don't wanna be "b#@!ing". Unfortunately, they let emotions build up inside of them, and when they boil over, they do things that are ….well stupid, unsympathetic, cold, crazy, extreme, uncalled for, and/or all of the above. Anything to get the attention that they have been looking for. (Yeah, we know that it's REALLY not that difficult, but men are from Venus…we are from Mars) Women are BORN communicators…we were created to learn the needs of men and provide help to them – so of course, we KNOW how to communicate….they were not made to do so, so they are completely out of their zone when it comes to communicating (now I'm not speaking for all men, because many men have been raised to communicate effectively – but it doesn't come in their DNA).

    Here this woman is attempting to spread the word about how she triumphed over the devil trying to steal her marriage and how she fought to get to the root of the issue and win it back (really inspirational to me as it speaks of the virtue, patience), and people who know nothing about her or her marriage say such things.

    Well honey, I'm glad you have your marriage and your happiness back. Just know in all your current/future years of marriage, their is still learning that will go on, from both sides. Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure that you can recall when you've done some CRAZY stuff as well. But the biggest point out of all of this is you BOTH have to work to make EACH OTHER happy, and that doesn't mean permanently changing yourself for him, but cmon, how many times have you cooked something that you don't necessarily like because he liked it….or how many times has he watched a show/movie with you that he doesn't necessarily like, but YOU like. It's the same thing. Sacrifice. Like he said, he would have never given up all of that "good luvin" over hair….maybe he just had to TRULY see how important it was to you, to make it worth it to him to support you in it. Kudos to you, girlfriend, for true diligence in this relationship. Hopefully he has learned his lesson as well….HONEST communication is key in any relationship.

  • Anonymous says:

    I HAVE been married. And it does take time to "argue" fairly.. but his gambling the marriage on how she was gonna take his childish rant about his feelings towards something as silly as HAIR?? Thats like if a woman were to say "WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.. YOU'RE BALDING AND WONT BUY ROGAIN". Like really? Natural hair is a natural occurance and that is THAT. If a man is willing to BREAK UP with his pregnant wife and mother of his kids over hair?? Something ELSE is wrong. And it aint your hair.

  • AusetAbena says:

    Okay. It is really weird to comment on someone else's marriage, but she put it out there so I don't feel bad when I put this out there. I agree with most what everyone else said, and this makes me even more grateful that I have been natural since middle school. When a man meets me he can be almost assured that this is the state my hair will be in for quite some time. All that aside, change is the only thing constant in the world. I may decide to big chop again after growing it out long. I might decide to grow locs again any day now. And this might all be on a whim, after getting married. I say that to say, We are more than our hair, our pretty faces, our fit bodies. We are people with personalities, feelings, gifts, and experiences. This man is her husband, and all I suggest is that she look deeper into what he said than just a bad way of saying it. Some men think of marriage as "what I say goes, or you go." Isn't that what he basically said? For real, telling a pregnant woman who is the mother of your already born child that you are going to leave her, during her dang lunch break, because you don't like her nappy hair is straight up disrespectful. Words cannot describe. I might have had an aneurysm. She needs to watch out. For real. She needs to reassess. For real. She may not have to go so far as getting a divorce over this. But remember, this man suggested getting a divorce over some nappy hair. For real. I am just a little bit even more wary of vowing my all to someone, who may not take his vows as seriously as I would.

  • Sophie says:

    I am quite disturbed by this. Like some other posters have said, this is not an understandable miscommunication to me. Overreaction is yelling that everyone in your house is a slob because you found one sock on the floor of the laundry room after a long day at work. Threatening to leave your pregnant wife alone and break up your family because she isn't paying attention to your superficial preference about her HAIR? He knew his words would hurt her, and he was trying to use that to get what he wanted. If that is love, please let me never be married, I am serious. I wouldn't think of doing that to a friend, let alone someone who is supposed to be the love of my life. Even if he didn't say any of the things about being attracted to he, if he suggested separation that is absurd. Also, I second Kiki's sentiment… what if she just said well then you can just pack your stuff up and hit the road?? He assumed that he could say he didn't need her, but she would be so desperate to keep him that she would do anything he asked. Wow. I think they should see a counselor before this kind of thing comes up again because people have affairs over things like this. A man who recants after dropping a bomb like that might just be afraid to lose the stability of his marriage, but that doesn't mean he won't find anything on the side if he looks at his wife, mother of his child(ren), companion for five years, working mother, and immediately just thinks about how much he hates her hair. I feel like this comment is becoming a babble, but I am honestly floored! The people in my life who I love could get a jehri curl mullet shaved on one side with beads hanging from the other side, and I would still love them and wouldn't think of telling them that I don't love them anymore. Even if I lovingly told them the looked a hot mess, saying that who they are doesn't mean more to me than how they look is really just cruel. If nothing else, because they have loved me when I haven't been perfect *as a person* so how can I desert them over how they style themselves?? And this it just for he NOT changing how she is naturally. Shaking my head so much.

    *stepping off soap box*

  • tahmeka says:

    Girl… get the f#!$ out!

    This is crazy. He sounds like a damn snake. I feel it in my spirit. The hair thing was a cop out. There is something else going on and he probably has one foot out the door already.

    " I will NOT give up this man!" Well why the hell not? He was ready to give you and those babies up over your damn hair!

  • Anonymous says:

    @AlisueG: Thank you SO much for posting that NYT article bc it's what I immediately thought about when I read this CN post! Here's a great quote from it:

    "Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her. Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months."

  • Maya says:

    Thats a GOOD WOMAN right there. And he needs to know how GOOD she is for not doing something violent and leaving his hindparts to try to call 911 with no fingers.

    Im just saying. I dont know WHAT I wouldve said or done. GOD was in the car with her that day!! AMEN.

  • Thick Hair says:

    At first, I was angry as hell at your husband. In the end I have to say you are a saint and I am glad that both of you are happy. Changing things up in a marriage is healthy and beneficial in a marriage. It keeps things from getting monotonous. I think your husband is just looking for some "spice" in the marriage and wants you to be more adventurous with your hair. I can relate because my husband did a poor job of relating his feelings regarding my natural hair. At first his comments made me think he did not like natural hair. Turns out after a heated discussion he finally blurted out that he wanted me to wear my hair out more (twistouts, braidouts, etc) and was growing tired of my everyday buns and ponytails. Now that I wear my hair out more he compliments my hair all the time and encourages me to try new styles. I must admit I was hesitant at first because I am just learning how to style my hair after years of protective styling but I am getting alot of compliments from strangers on the street which makes me feel like maybe my husband was right to make me change up my hairstyles! Now I can't wait to experiment with new looks and I can't believe how many styles I can accomplish with my hair. Good luck!

  • taizmorena says:

    When I read this all i could say was woooow! But u know wat, I appreciate Autumn for posting this article. Why? bc it puts an ongoing issue on display…on display (lol forgive me, i just watched the RHW of NJ): How men, whether it be dating partners, boyfriends, or husbands, view "natural" hair. Now this doesnt speak for EVERY man; my boyfriend adores my natural hair. However, men in general are lead to identify beautiful hair with the long, flowy hairstyles seen on tv, in magazines, billboards, you name it! And us women with kinkier texture, knowing that, are willing to alter our hair texture or add weave thats nothing like our natural hair to fit that image for them and please others.

    Please dont take wat im saying the wrong way…im not against women who relax or wear weaves/wigs. If that works for them, its all good. As long as theyre honestly doing it for themselves to look good and feel confident, not for a man.

    Her husband's actions were extremely selfish, no doubt. For him to be quick to just split up over hair isnt a good sign. However, a relationship must have compromise on both parts. As petty as it may sound to us looking in, he just wants her to "sex-up" her hairstyles a little more. Since her marriage and keeping her family together are important to her, switching it up from time to time might not be a bad thing. I say try it out for a while and see wat happens. If he still isnt satisfied though, u really need to re-evaluate wats important mami. Remember, u have kids that learn from both u and your husband's actions.

  • AishaSaidIt says:

    Whew…this is a touchy intimate look into someone’s marriage BS. Don't worry we all have a little marriage BS that makes you want to stop and take a nap. Anywho, 85% of the time I would never suggest someone leave their marriage. I know it's old school but you are supposed to fight to the very end. That being said it sounds like a control issue. Who threatens the "D" word because of hair? Really? I would keep a focused eye on that because he could be testing the waters, so be sure to "smack the hand" (not literally) before it becomes a bigger issue.

  • Casimiransmom says:

    Hahahah, over hair?! Leaving you?! Doesn't find you attractive anymore? Wow, that's very superficial. You'd think after being with someone for that length of time, there would be more depth to it than that. When my husband and I were first dating, I had braids, I took out my braids with him in the room and he saw the roots, I mean all the mess. He looked at me at that moment, and he told me that's when he knew he was in love and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, because I was completely comfortable in my own skin, even around him. You can go ahead and do more straight styles to please him, but how do you know how often is enough, and if I were you, I'd continue to think in the back of mind, when my hair isn't straight, what is he thinking about me. Good luck to you, I don't wish ill on any marriage, because I know it takes work and compromise. Peace.

  • AlisueG says:

    It sounds like the husband has a desire for the life they shared when the wife's hair was long and straight. Maybe it represents youth, excitement, freedom and fun – the time before adult responsibilities and children. Kind of like that mid-life crises of the husband in this great NY Times Article (thanks DFig!) http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

    While I agree that he was totally inconsiderate and immature in the way he expressed this to his pregnant wife, this kind of response (flight or fight) seems to be pretty common when folks are unhappy. Clearly its not about hair but about his frustrations and inability to think things through before words exit his mouth.

    But now that both parties are alerted about these underlying feelings of the husband, its gonna be important to learn how to handle future meltdowns in the future.

  • TraciB says:

    **sitting here with my mouth wide open** Ummmm… How in the world could the words "We need to split up" even escape his mouth? Over hair? Really?

  • SwirlieCurlies says:

    yikess this man is shallow. I'M STUCK ON THE FACT THAT HE DOESN"T LIKE HIS WIFES "NAPPY" HAIR. Reading this article made me cringe and I almost wanted to tear up for various reasons. So many men likes this man are out there and it's so sad that black men are trying to force black women to be something we are not. I'd imagine that having your man, in this case, your HUSBAND admit to not liking your "nappy" hair is almost the same as saying he doesn't like who you are. *sigh* #Ijustcan't anymore. This is why I've said over and over again I will not date/marry a Black man. I'll take my 4b hair and chocolate skin to some white boy who'd appreciate me for who I really am..a black woman with kinkycurly hair. Ughh this article imbues me with strong feelings of disdain for black men. I need a breather *inhales* ..*exhales*

  • brianna says:

    I'm just going to put it out there.

    I think he never had any intention of really leaving. I think he just wanted to put pressure on you to change your hair, and took drastic measures to do so. He played on emotions, and hoped that you would change your hair in order to keep your marriage.

    I commend you for not being rational. You a better one than me.

  • Anonymous says:

    Not trying to be debbie downer but you may want to keep your eyes wide open….it seems like he was looking for something to leave you over…pretty soon it will be something else you are doing or not doing, I had it happen to me, ex bf was critical of everything, i would change and then he would move on to something else to criticize me about, then i found out he had started a whole new relationship behind my back….just watch out…

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! That was amazing! I'm currently transitioning and have cut the majority of my relaxed hair off. My boyfriend wasn't happy but I explained to him how important it is to me to go natural. I know he's not happy but I'm trying to do me. The last time i went to the salon he sent me a text asking me not to cut my hair. Im going to cut it again soon to get rid of my relaxed ends. Well this post is a wake up call because I felt like my guy is very superficial and couldn't imagine another guy feeling this way. I guess more guys have issue with natural hair than we think. BTW, your hair is gorgeous!!!

  • Bootzey says:

    If he is willing to end your marriage over hair… Then I say so be it. What happens if you get cancer and all you hair falls out? What happens if you gain weight? What happens if you become disfigured in an accident? He is not there for you. He only wants a trophy wife.

  • aWickedRose says:

    I think he might feel like his opinions/wants/needs/concerns are ignored overall and he zeroed in on the hair because he figured it would be easy. Like he thought she's straighten her hair and then she'll start conferring with me more on things and my feelings will matter a little more.

    This is FAR from over for them because neither one really addressed the base issue. It's not about hair at all really. The fact that he threatened to leave her while she was pregnant and so vulnerable is horrific.

  • Patrice says:

    Bulls**t! There are def. deeper problems than hair here. 5yrs married, one child, and pregnant and he wants to "split up over hair"? I'm married with 2 kids and pregnant. My husband would never be able to come back with some crap like "can you wear your hair straight sometimes" after that. Please excuse me here…but I'd be like NI**A FU; now tell me what's really the problem. The communication was great on her part, but I think his was BS.

  • Anonymous says:

    You guys need to re-read the selection. I read the part where she said he didn't actually say that or use them words but….I'm just saying. I thought her hormones were at play after I finished reading, just a thought.

  • Anonymous says:

    tell him to grow a pair bc you cant be with a man doesn't have one. then try to apologize for that ish!!! i'm sorry i dont have anything more to add

  • Anonymous says:

    See, the problem I have with this story is that she actually dignified what he was saying with a response. I wouldn't have gotten mad or argued with him about "my hair being a gift from God", etc. Divorcing over hair is so ridiculous it doesn't even merit a discussion.

    So I would have assumed he was joking, said something like "Let me know when you want to talk about what's really going on" and then asked him to drop me back at work.

    ~H

  • Anonymous says:

    OK…I'm not siding with the husband as I do think he did a bad job communicating. But, I think the deeper issue is that he did not feel like his wife was listening to his thoughts/feelings about her hair. If you are married then hopefully, you understand how important his issue really is. Not feeling listened to is HUGE from a woman's or man's perspective. I'm not saying that she wasn't listening to his objections to her hair but he didnt feel like she was and in his mind that was more important than anything else at that moment!! None of us really know what happened in the days or weeks before that led him to believe separating from his pregnant wife was the solution!! Just my two cents.

  • Anonymous says:

    WOW! Marriage isn't easy but for better or worse is what the vow says … Seems like there is more to his issue than the texture of your hair. I pray that issue is communicated so that this texture issue doesn't re-surface. Communication is imperative!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm married and I have to say there is something else here. It was reallly WRONG for him to put you in that position and immature for him to even propose that. If he married you for your looks, he really needs to get beyond the shallowness of that and dig deeper because you are obviously an intelligent, beautiful person inside.
    More dialogue is definitely needed….this was really wrong. Marriage is not for giving up on each other and so I applaud you…but you need to go back and talk about this.

  • Anonymous says:

    Please CURLYNIKKI , our resident psychotherapist…weigh in. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you both.

  • DFig says:

    I know everyone thinks there's an alterior motive and I'm not saying there isn't. BUt marriage is sometimes complicated and something simple can be blown up into something big. This story reminded me of a article in the NYT this week:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=3

    Now THAT women needs to be commended! She basically told him to do him and get back at the family when he gets it together. That is strength in your commitment.

  • Cassandra says:

    Sigh. I got nothing, except thank God my boyfriend doesn't place his aesthetic wants over my need to NOT put a lot of caustic chems on my body or damaging heat on my hair. I need to go thank him right now. Jesus.

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm sorry, if my husband said he wanted to break up with me over hair and I'm pregnant, there would be some serious problems. How are you going to look at the woman carrying your child and threaten to leave because you don't like her hair? Are you stupid? I agree with all the posters that think something else is going on in this relationship. Sane people do not threaten do break up otherwise great relationships just because they don't like someone's hair, or shirt, or lipstick colour. Why not just treat your wife to a day at the salon and tell her you'd love to see her with a straight style? That woman better watch out – she's in for a rude awakening.

  • Anonymous says:

    There are definitely a lot of elements missing from this post. I have been married for 17 years and went natural approximately 2 years ago after having relaxers since 6th grade (tried it twice but wasn't confident). If my husband dared to threaten divorce over my hair (he absolutely adores the natural look and does not want me to relax EVER again–btw, we're interracially married), it wouldn't be anything to discuss. Absolutely ridiculous! The issue here is more deeply rooted than the texture of your hair. I agree a conversation was in order, but not regarding your hair. There is another underlying issue that will surface/re-surface sooner rather than later. Marriage is not easy and the only way to overcome challenges is having effective communication involving the tough issues.

  • Anonymous says:

    You are a better woman than me, had I heard that I probably would have lost it.

    "Boy are you crazy, nobody cares about how you feel about my hair. This is how my hair grows naturally and this is how your childrens hair grows naturally. If you dont like that you can kick rocks"

    But then again I'm not married and I'm not in love LOL but it did kind of make me mad just reading it

  • Anonymous says:

    *insert a strong side-eye here* Something in the milk ain't clean. You want to destroy this family over MY hair? Oh, okay. That's a lame excuse. I bet he met somebody on Facebook that has that fresh Brazilian Blow-out.

  • Omolara says:

    I'm sorry, but I'd still be very wary of a man whose solution to a problem he has is for you to change or leave.

    Putting you in that position was intentional, and wrong.

  • Anonymous says:

    WOW. I think this further clarifies that I am NOT ready for marriage because my reaction would have been totally different. Especially while pregnant. I do however admire you for not flying off the deep end and sacrificing your marriage and family over his horrible job of communicating. Kudos and many blessings to you both.

  • Editor says:

    I'm with Tootie, his method of even bringing up the issue seemed a bit childish and that one HELL of a gamble he took. What is sista-girl had said, "You know you're right. If you want to leave because of my hair, then go right ahead, where can I sign?" I wonder how he would have dug himself out of that one. I'm not being judgmental but simply putting trying to see the situation from her perspective. I personally would have went off and explained to him that it is obvious that our love comes with condition because… you know what, let me shut up I just can't see it. I wish a brother would! Kudos on standing your ground.

  • Anonymous says:

    Glad there was a happy ending to this story…but the husband's resolution to the hair issue was just too extreme. Something about the story just made me a little sad that the writer had to listen to her husband tell her he wanted to split up over her hair.

    Jas

  • Anonymous says:

    I totally agree with Tootie. This whole exchange is very, very odd…

  • i am native here . . . says:

    This is SHOCKING! Like some others mentioned, it feels like something else is at play. I admire your calm handling of the situation…and I pray he's found peace, for you and your daughter's sake.

    I still can't get over this post….smh

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree with Tootie. That seems a little far fetched that he would want to leave over her hair, I think he was saying that to cover up for the real reason.

  • Tootie says:

    Horrible job expressing his feelings is an understatement. He gambled his marriage over a straighten hair style. I have never been married, but this pissed me off. He should have approached that in a completely different way. The idea of him considering leaving his pregnant wife over hair is just… ugh.

  • sarah says:

    I saw the headline and thought "will not lose our love over hair so therefore I'm glad you are natural". Damn.

  • Anonymous says:

    UMMMMMM…….. WTH!!! He has deeper issues than the hair. Watch out.

  • Anonymous says:

    WOW!!! I'm VERY GLAD that she did not give in but figured out it was something deeper. I'm glad she was willing to fight for her marriage too. That's very encouraging to me (NON-MARRIED). I do think that our men have been brainwashed (like many of us WERE/ARE) that having straight hair is more beautiful. Most of the negative comments I've heard or seen comes from men. I think that once it becomes a norm (natural hair) it'll be more accepted. I'm so glad that she made that little questionaire….that was BRILLIANT!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Good Job! I don't think I would have reacted in such a way, especially being pregnant. This really shows what real marriage is all about. Yes he had a moment, but after communicating you were able to work it out! I am engaged to be married next year and you have shown me a different way to react to my fiancee when we are not seeing eye to eye. Thank you!

  • NikkiNukka says:

    i dont know what to say to that mess. speechless

  • Irendi says:

    WOW!!! I say kudos to you for not jumping off the deep end and actually calming down to rationally think about things & talk it over w/ your husband.

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