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Curly Nikki

15 Days of Giving Thanks- Sajahda

By January 27th, 202126 Comments
15 Days of Giving Thanks- Sajahda

Sajahda writes:

I am truly blessed and grateful to have given up the hate and anger in my heart. It is best to hate the sin rather than to hate the sinner. I am grateful to have found a better way to handle being molested as a child to a young woman and am humbled with this NEW FOUND ME. I am embracing the best me that I am and will look forward to being better so that everyone else benefits from this.

To give a back-story, he, my stepfather, crept in like a thief in the night looking for his prize. He began to touch me. In ways that were not right. To me, at the age of 9, I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t what I should feel. I was frozen solid like a block of ice.

He didn’t immediately violate my body. He began by touching my back and massaging it, like a child testing the water at the shallow end.

What do I do? Do I scream? Who will hear me? Do I tell? Who will believe me? I am so scared. He stops and asks if I want to sleep in his room. I say nothing. He knows I am awake because he says don’t tell your mother. I know that I will never tell anyone.

Time goes by with light touching in the night, but I try to stay a kid. I am now 12 and things have progressed further. I wish he wouldn’t come in my room. I am tired and have a spelling test in the morning. But, I have to stay awake because if I fall asleep, then he may hurt me. Hurt me how? I just don’t know, but if he does this to me when I am awake, I cannot imagine what he would do to me when I am asleep. I hate it. And now, I hate him.

Once you truly, in your soul, hate someone it isn’t easy undoing it. Everyone teaches you to not let the boy you like push you too far, or what to do when a stranger tries to rape you, but no one talks about the dirty little secret. No one talks enough about what to do when a parent or close family member tries to touch you in ways you don’t like. What happens to the family dynamic at that point? Children are scared of what will happen if they talk. They wonder if anyone will believe them, if they will they get in trouble. It is too much for a child’s mind to process. So they do nothing.

I have not gone to the extent of going to court. It appears that in America, once you are an adult, proving such things happened is a lot harder. I am not sure why, because when something like this happens, a part of you is stuck at that age and it is hard to understand why.

I spent a lot of time mulling over how I would go about hurting him, or causing his demise. It actually caused me a great deal of stress. It beat on my like an attacker. So, one day after having multiple panic attacks, I decided to “Let Go and Let God.”

I have always been the type to do things on my own and fight against the norm. But, once I realized that I did not have to get myself together to come to God, but that I could come to God as myself and then he and I would get me together, I was so relieved.

There are still days that all of this is hard, especially when you don’t feel like you have the right family support. But, as long as you have the right group of supporters, that is all you need. I have since joined a church and really like it. The part about getting up on Sunday and getting in on time is a bit hard, but well worth it once I am there. It has taken a lot of self-evaluation to know it was not my fault, to know that I did not bring this on me, to know that I need to love myself in spite of what I see in the mirror.

My reflection is of a strong black woman who has fought a good fight. I have honored my inner child. She doesn’t have to worry anymore. She has had victory and that is because of God. And for that, I am thankful everyday.

For everyone else, I pray that if you are going through this and that you know there is a way out, and it starts with knowing it is not your fault. You do not deserve this. Then, go to someone and get help. There is help.

**Head over to the 15 Days of Giving Thanks homepage to enter today’s contest!**

26 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. It took me 22 years to finally truly forgive my father for molesting me; and only after going back to school to study counseling. As many of the other posters have said, there are far too many of us out here carrying the "dark secret" because we don't want to destroy our family. Unfortunately, too often the child is made out to be the bad person in the incident and the secret is hidden again once the child tells.

  • Anonymous says:

    Girl, thank you thank you thank you. I'm right there with you. It's important to recognize that it is NEVER YOUR FAULT.

    I commend you for actively seeking change within yourself because God knows you could've chosen a different direction, one that could've destroyed you.

    God Bless sis.

  • COCOACURLYCOILS says:

    Wow, I have no idea what you have been and still go through but i want to absolutely applaud your courage to tell your story and empower so many other people who may struggle with the same hurt to take back their lives and move foward to a better life.

  • Anonymous says:

    You testimony is powerful. I too was molested. It is hard because you are overprotective of your own chldren. All of these perverts will get theirs. Live your life to the fullest and you will win. TRUST GOD!

  • Anonymous says:

    There is freedom in your testimony. Share your past to assist someone in moving forward in their future. I am so proud of you and the growth that you have shown. I know God to be healer, a deliverer, a giver of peace, strength, and unconditional love, grace and mercy. What man has intended for evil, God will turn for your good. Continue to be blessed and walk in His glory. He loves you and so do I.

  • Alta Angel says:

    I pray that you receive the peace, love, support, and blessings that you deserve. Thank you for sharing your story and being a living testimony for others that have experienced this.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for this. I have learned so much in the past week re: child abuse and molestation. I've always wondered how it happens.. How does an adult end up raping a child? The Penn state story has really opened my eyes. It is all about the grooming period… how far can he/she go with your child. Does your child feel loved and accepted at home? Does your child have an advocate? These monsters also try to buy the kids with gifts… I have a son and will do anything to protect him. We've had a talk and i remind him everyday about his "personal space." It is okay to say, "no." He can tell me ANYTHING about anyone and I will stop it/help you no matter WHAT even if the person says he/she will hurt me, tell me anyway cuz I will buy a gun and protect myself! It is scarey to think that it could be ANYONE and that some sick adults crave children in this manner. This sick ish makes me not want to trust ANYONE with my son!! But, I agree with the anon poster that said your testimony is going to keep other kids safe. I will safeguard my son with my life. And kick the ass of anyone who even tries it!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. You have a great testimony and are going to help so many others in their struggles!

  • Alaina says:

    i am so sorry that happened to you but i am soglad you have not let it overtake you and ruin your life. forgiveness is the key, even though it may seem impossible. stay strong, sister. much love and prayer<3

  • Courtney B. says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. Thank for speaking up for those who may not have found the courage to speak up for themselves. I, too, went through a painstakingly similar struggle. Your story is all too familiar. I wish you the best on your journey to live a happier, healthier life.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much! I really appreciated this post. I myself was molested as a child and those memories have never left me. I struggle with it everyday that someone, an older someone could do that to me and take advantage of me… it affects our lives on so many levels and not alot of people speak out against it. I too have try and come to terms and try and forgive and I and God is working on it as I type this. I figure, if God could forgive me for everything I do, let me try and find it in my heart that I can forgive someone for being…human. Idk thats how I try and get past it. Thank you for sharing once again. God bless.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you Sajahda for sharing such a powerful part of your life with us. I'm so proud of you for not allowing his sick twisted problem to rip away your future. Thank you for yielding to the LORD so he can use this awful thing that happened to an innocent child to an advantage for some others who have gone thru the same thing. I pray your continued healing and ability to take back your life.
    Your Kinky hair sista,
    Allnatural1 (Michelle in TX)

  • Anonymous says:

    This could be my story. We as survivors must continue to share so others can also speak out when these travesties occur. I am healing each day and realize that God is so awesome to save me from this and give me a great life.

  • Anonymous says:

    I am glad you have come to a place of forgiveness and letting go. I hope this man isn't still around children, I hope that something was done. This sort of difficulty is exactly why people like Jerry Sandusky are able to continue so long. You are rarely the only victim, please come forward cast doubt, even if it is difficult to prove to prevent more victims. We also need strong penalties for people who are convicted, drug trafficking should not be a greater offense legally than harming a child.

  • Anonymous says:

    Yes Sajahda thanks for sharing and for me I know that it took a lot of courage to pen this letter and I also know that it is helping to cleanse you. Molesters get away with it because it is kept quiet and no one wants to talk about it. We need to talk and keep on talking, we need to teach our kids what to do if someone says or do any of the things that molesters do. Keep talking and don't worry about the people who don't believe you, they don't believe you because they don't want to believe you but don't stop talking. I am lifting you up in prayer and praying for all victims of sexual abuse because as much as it is hide is how much we need to expose and shed light on it. I always wonder what my life would be like had I not been molested by my baby sitter's son, what kind of person would I be because it effects every part of my being and it's made me less than. Less confident than I would have been, less esteem than I would have been, less a whole lot of other things that come up because I'm trying to figure out how to live with this stain and it's not like I know how not to (I would never know how it feels not to have been molested). But we learn to live with it some of us better than others. Thank you for sharing.

  • Lisa Michelle says:

    Wow…what a powerful revelation! That hurt and anger can bury you alive if not released. I am so uplifted to hear your story of triumph, and although I've never been a victim, you give a very real voice of not only survival but one of conquering. Thank you for sharing and I pray God continues to help heal and bring you greater blessings in your future.

  • Irendi says:

    Wow, Sajahda. Thank you, just thank you for sharing. Unfortunately too many of us share your story or one that is similar. Trying to let go of it is hard, but I'm so glad that you did find a way. The reaction I have to this is not easily articulated into words…just thank you very much.

  • Anonymous says:

    What a powerful story! Thank you Sajahda for sharing it and god bless you!

  • Tai says:

    May God bless you a million times over for your beautiful heart and strength of spirit.

  • Pecancurls says:

    Sajahda, thank you for sharing such a painful story. Sending prayers for your healing. I just know that your story has impacted many.

  • Jami says:

    Sajahda, Thank you for sharing your story.

    I think sharing stories like these are so important, because those that hear them will try harder to protect children and teach them and choose better mates, so the children never have to experience this kind of pain and healing process. It's time to say "no more." As a community, we've been there and done that. More than enough people have gone through this.

    Peace, love and blessings to you!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been through things also and although its too recent for me to be comfortable sharing, I have also learned that God has plans for me, and through his neverending love you learn to love yourself again. He keeps pushing me forward on days I dont have strength to push myself. Thank you for reminding me to give thanks for that today, and everyday 🙂

  • hairscapades says:

    My heart cries for the child who was violated and had her childhood stolen … my heart sings for the woman who learned how to accept that it was NOT her fault and found God's love in order to move forward. God bless.

    Shelli

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! I understand every part of this letter and can relate to all your emotions… I am now 42 and I can go back as far as four years old when my fathers friend sat me on his lap and I felt the "bulge"….I can also remember being stone by neighbors at the age of 8 when I crawled out of mans house who convince me to go home with him after raping me for hours….I can remember being molested by my two 1/2 brothers when I was about 12….. Yes I am too a survivor of dark secrets that one dare not speak of..however, God had plans for me …I barley graduated high school but now I have an Ed.S in education, I have two wonderful son who are in college,,,,I stop allowing men to take advantage of me base on the pattern that was created since I was about three years old… I know that God has wash me clean and it was not my fault … I know one thing for sure …I will survive and preserver no matter what……those who have hurts us as children will always be victims of society….they never get to win or feel what it's like to be victorious and for this I am grateful

    Your are the blessing , the good stuff, the victorious one, the survivor because Gods hands is on you ….be bless I am in it with you

  • Jesus-in-the-city says:

    What a beautiful post to wake up to! God is SO good! He sheds light on the darkness and allows us to live boldly in Spirit and in Truth. I have been through much the same, so many have, and God freeing me from the shame, anger, pride and fear is a daily battle. But if the people of old can just touch His garment and be healed, how much more healed can I be with His Holy Spirit living right inside of me! Who the Son sets free is free indeed. We just have to remember and believe it, always. I was lead to find a verse for you this morning and it was one God gave to me early on. God bless you in your battle, remember it's a blessed one where the Victory has already been won! God bless you in the name of Jesus and praise you for your strength and truth!

    Jeremiah 31:7-14
    Now this is what the LORD says:
    “Sing with joy for Israel.
    Shout for the greatest of nations!
    Shout out with praise and joy:
    ‘Save your people, O LORD,
    the remnant of Israel!’ For I will bring them from the north
    and from the distant corners of the earth.
    I will not forget the blind and lame,
    the expectant mothers and women in labor.
    A great company will return! Tears of joy will stream down their faces,
    and I will lead them home with great care.
    They will walk beside quiet streams
    and on smooth paths where they will not stumble.
    For I am Israel’s father,
    and Ephraim is my oldest child. “Listen to this message from the LORD,
    you nations of the world;
    proclaim it in distant coastlands:
    The LORD, who scattered his people,
    will gather them and watch over them
    as a shepherd does his flock. For the LORD has redeemed Israel
    from those too strong for them. They will come home and sing songs of joy on the heights of Jerusalem.
    They will be radiant because of the LORD’s good gifts—
    the abundant crops of grain, new wine, and olive oil,
    and the healthy flocks and herds.
    Their life will be like a watered garden,
    and all their sorrows will be gone. The young women will dance for joy,
    and the men—old and young—will join in the celebration.
    I will turn their mourning into joy.
    I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing. The priests will enjoy abundance,
    and my people will feast on my good gifts.
    I, the LORD, have spoken!” (Jeremiah 31:7-14 NLT)

  • Anonymous says:

    Your cyber-supporters are lifting you up in prayer. Feel that energy and be blessed.

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