I am truly blessed and grateful to have given up the hate and anger in my heart. It is best to hate the sin rather than to hate the sinner. I am grateful to have found a better way to handle being molested as a child to a young woman and am humbled with this NEW FOUND ME. I am embracing the best me that I am and will look forward to being better so that everyone else benefits from this.
To give a back-story, he, my stepfather, crept in like a thief in the night looking for his prize. He began to touch me. In ways that were not right. To me, at the age of 9, I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t what I should feel. I was frozen solid like a block of ice.
He didn’t immediately violate my body. He began by touching my back and massaging it, like a child testing the water at the shallow end.
What do I do? Do I scream? Who will hear me? Do I tell? Who will believe me? I am so scared. He stops and asks if I want to sleep in his room. I say nothing. He knows I am awake because he says don’t tell your mother. I know that I will never tell anyone.
Time goes by with light touching in the night, but I try to stay a kid. I am now 12 and things have progressed further. I wish he wouldn’t come in my room. I am tired and have a spelling test in the morning. But, I have to stay awake because if I fall asleep, then he may hurt me. Hurt me how? I just don’t know, but if he does this to me when I am awake, I cannot imagine what he would do to me when I am asleep. I hate it. And now, I hate him.
Once you truly, in your soul, hate someone it isn’t easy undoing it. Everyone teaches you to not let the boy you like push you too far, or what to do when a stranger tries to rape you, but no one talks about the dirty little secret. No one talks enough about what to do when a parent or close family member tries to touch you in ways you don’t like. What happens to the family dynamic at that point? Children are scared of what will happen if they talk. They wonder if anyone will believe them, if they will they get in trouble. It is too much for a child’s mind to process. So they do nothing.
I have not gone to the extent of going to court. It appears that in America, once you are an adult, proving such things happened is a lot harder. I am not sure why, because when something like this happens, a part of you is stuck at that age and it is hard to understand why.
I spent a lot of time mulling over how I would go about hurting him, or causing his demise. It actually caused me a great deal of stress. It beat on my like an attacker. So, one day after having multiple panic attacks, I decided to “Let Go and Let God.”
I have always been the type to do things on my own and fight against the norm. But, once I realized that I did not have to get myself together to come to God, but that I could come to God as myself and then he and I would get me together, I was so relieved.
There are still days that all of this is hard, especially when you don’t feel like you have the right family support. But, as long as you have the right group of supporters, that is all you need. I have since joined a church and really like it. The part about getting up on Sunday and getting in on time is a bit hard, but well worth it once I am there. It has taken a lot of self-evaluation to know it was not my fault, to know that I did not bring this on me, to know that I need to love myself in spite of what I see in the mirror.
My reflection is of a strong black woman who has fought a good fight. I have honored my inner child. She doesn’t have to worry anymore. She has had victory and that is because of God. And for that, I am thankful everyday.
For everyone else, I pray that if you are going through this and that you know there is a way out, and it starts with knowing it is not your fault. You do not deserve this. Then, go to someone and get help. There is help.