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Curly Nikki

Not For My Children

By January 27th, 202186 Comments

Not For My Children

By Andrea Dawn

I once had a natural hair buddy whose hair was big and beautiful and wonderfully kinky. With her larger than life blow-outs, neatly arranged coils and perfectly moisturized twist-outs, she was the person who inspired me to go natural. We spent many hours together sharing styling tips, concocting DIY hair products and discussing all the latest natural hair trends and issues.
Imagine my surprise when she informed me one day that if she ever had children, she would prefer that they not have naturally kinky hair. “I don’t want them to have to struggle with their hair the way I do,” she confessed. “It’s just too difficult. “ She also revealed that she would prefer to marry a Black man, but would strongly consider marrying a man of another race if it meant her children would have “easier” hair.

Her comment surprised me because she was always so vocal about her love for natural hair. She often talked about its beauty, versatility and uniqueness. She rocked her own natural hair with crazy confidence and pride, and I assumed she would embrace it for her children just as enthusiastically as she appeared to embrace it for herself.

Even though we eventually lost contact with each other, sometimes I find myself still thinking about her and what she said. It has caused me to wonder:

If someone claims to love natural hair but doesn’t want it for their children, would you think that their “love” for natural hair is inauthentic?


  • Samantha Chiamaka James says:

    I'm sorry, but to me, it seems like whites are being used as a tool to get away from the curls and kinks.
    You have to marry someone you love and if you don't marry someone you love, there's a chance that that marriage won't be strong (because you just married the person to get something of 'em). I'm not saying this because of the article above, but because of what some of you ladies have said on here. Like, " i DONT want a child coming out with my type of texture either! AND YES I am marrying outside of my race when i get older."
    I'm mixed race (black African – white British). Anyways, I can guarantee you that marrying someone of a different race doesn't guarantee your kid's hair type. My brother and I have two different hair types. He has more curls of a certain type than I do. I have a little 3c then then the rest of my hair is full of 4a/4b/4c curls. My mum (the white parents)'s siblings all married full blacks too and I can tell you that none of us kids have the same hair type. My mum's brother's kids, 3 out of 4 of them have VERY kinky hair. The 1 that doesn't have VERY kinky hair has a bit larger curls. My mum's sister's kids, 3 out of 4 of them have very kinky hair. Her youngest daughter (who's a twin) is the 1 left out. She has larger curls. Mind you, my mum and her siblings all have beautifully curly hair (though my mum's the only curl hater out of them so she got her hair chemically straightened).
    I have a mixed raced friend (black African – white Welsh). Anyways, her curls are a bit larger than my brother's and I's, but her sibling's all have VERY VERY kinky hair (one of them relaxed her hair because she felt she couldn't manage it).
    I have other mixed race friends and their hair types all vary. The siblings don't have the same hair types and some have fully African, kinky, hair.
    So, marrying a white isn't a way out because you could be just surprised.
    Marry who you love and deal with whatever hair you get. Nurture it, love it and treat your kids to love it too.

  • Anonymous says:

    For the 16 year old girl at 10:30 PM. God bless and I hope your future daughter has kinky 4b/c hair.

  • Unknown says:

    haha i accidentaly wrote 2010 when I meant 2012! lol forgive my error.

  • Anonymous says:

    ^^^ AGREED!^^ THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING! IM THE 16 YR OLD GIRL BTW ! BLACK WOMEN SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HAIR, I MEAN LOOK AT THESE BLOGS AND VIDEOS! you dont see any other race have all these hair blogs and crap. Another thing: black women talking about how they hate their nappy hair, im sorry but my future daughter will not be part of it !

  • Unknown says:

    Comment Part 3:

    Now as far as interracial dating/marriage goes, its almost 2010, I think we should all know how to look past our own noses by now. No one is saying they want to marry someone of another race simply because of their hair. That's impossible. (The laws of human attraction and social interaction completely denounce the notion that someone can form a design on someone else based on 1 trait alone -so come on be serious) I think it's beautiful that someone would consider not limiting themselves to a dating pool that is only within the confines of their own community. That they want to reach out and touch the lives if other people. Sharing their experiences with others. We should try to see that. I don't feel that people are considering the different aspects of what comes from interracial dating. And what a beauteous thing it can be in terms of people being willing to think outside themselves and not being blinded by prejudice. I think it negatively reflects on people who are eager to bash on others who engage in interracial relationships for whatever reason because it shows how limited perceptions can be.

    Think about it. If the person who made this comment had left race out of it and said something to the effect of "I hope my child doesn't have thick coarse, hair", assuming she marries another black person, is she any more right to complain because she didn't marry someone who wasn't of her same ethnic makeup? Immediately some of you would say no but socially you don't act that way. And that's not fair.

    My opinion is that modern women are fashionable and trendy and will do what they like and spend as much time as is necessary to do so. Adding in another person who needs constant care and even more effort to be made as fabulous as you are puts you in a bind. Naturally you look for anyway to make life easier. Now marrying outside of your race is not a quick surefire remedy -obviously- and as I said before no one is going to marry anyone just for their hair! (I mean seriously people be realistic here.) I feel like we need to take step back and look beyond the surface of words. Delve deeper into what goes into making a statement like this one and reflecting on that. The problem I see in many of these comments is the headstrong opinions of people who feel attacked, whereas I don't see it that way.

    I feel that we should consider what efforts we all have to devote to ourselves in order to maintain healthy hair. Because that is really what this is all about. This is not about good or bad hair it's about time management and effort. Once you see that it may help you to understand that some people are willing to take measures others are not in order to alleviate added stresses in life and we should respect that.

  • Unknown says:

    Comment part 2:

    I had a similar argument like this with my mother last year. I have a 9 year old baby sister who is natural, but my mother prefers to flat iron her hair. When I last went to visit her I did my sisters hair for her. Without a hitch we got through the wash, condition, dry and moisturizing stages. But when it came time to straighten it, I ask asked my sister if she wanted me to straighten it or leave it curly like mine. She opted to leave it curly ( I know she doesn't like the flat iron because sometimes the oil burns her scalp) But my mother was furious. Her defense was essentially, not that she wanted to give my sister a false identity but that it was easier for her to put her hair into a simple style and leave it in for the whole week if it was flat ironed first.

    I was upset and saw this as an attack on having curly hair. But my mother tired to reason with me.

    She argued me down saying that while it's all well and good that I have time now to do these things to mine and my sister's hair, I'm not there every day to do my sister's hair for her. And she had a point.

    I don't feel that this statement of wishing for children with silkier curls is a negative reflection on the natural hair community. It is however, a reflection of how much time and effort is put into our own appearance and care regiments.

    Think about it: if you're single, like me, and can afford to take a whole afternoon to do your hair, a weekend, or even a few hours a day. Try to imagine what your hair regiment would be like having say 2 or 3 little people running around with hair exactly like yours. Would you still be able to take care of your hair as well as your do now?

    Would you be successful in doing a de-tangle on a screaming 3 yr old? Also do you think you could use the same products on your baby as you do yourself? Think of all the research and testing experiments you did on yourself. Do you think you could go through that again, with less disposable time, so that you could find child-friendly products as good as yours?

    I feel that people aren't considering the added anxiety of having to do twice as much work to maintain multiple heads of beautiful hair. I don't feel that people who say this hate themselves necessarily. Some may secretly -I don't know I can't speak for them- but it's my belief that they don't.

    You have to consider that maybe sometimes people say these things because they realize what lengths they have to go to achieve what they want, and because they only have to rely on themselves it's ok to do so. But if you add someone else to the mix-where, in this particular area you are the sole proprietor of responsibility- it can become overwhelming to think of having to do everything you do, multiple times.

    I feel we should consider that, at least.

  • Unknown says:

    I will have to post my comment response in two sections because it is too long to post all at once.

    @ SYP: My comment is on point with what you are saying. I'm sorry that it took me so long to decide to repost it. I wrote this comment response about a week ago and had to save it elsewhere because it was so long. But here it is Part 1:

    In my experience, people who say these types of things aren't against themselves, their hair, or what they believe. They are , to some extent, lazy. Or rather, they fear how exhausting it will be to have to take care of another person, and spend as much time beautifying them as they do to themselves.

    When we do our hair: spend 10 years in the bathroom mirror, spend a little extra on that new conditioner everyone's going on about, do an all day deep conditioning/henna treatment, and the only person we have to worry about is ourselves. And, I don't know about you, but it is exhausting!

    Don't get me wrong I love the results! I love how I feel and I love making myself look beautiful. But I get tired sometimes. I have school and work and a million different things to add to my daily stress intake and while I enjoy doing my hair, sometimes the process of doing it is just another item on the list.

    I mean think about it. How many times have you put off a wash or a conditioning session because you were tired, or had other stuff to do? And that's fine. You can get away with that when you don't have children. But now transfer all of that onto a small child.

    I feel like that's what people don't get. All that work that you put into doing your hair, now has to be duplicated and put onto someone else's. Someone who may or may not be less serene about having to sit down for a few hours getting their hair done.

    Think about the trouble your mother went through with you as a child doing your hair. It's tough. Especially when you have hair that needs a lot more care than others.

    I don't feel that people who say these types of statements are downing natural hair, they are more so trying to better manage their time and reduce their stress level.

  • SYP says:

    Reading through many of the comments, I am surprised to find that no one has acknowledged that any woman (black or white) that has a head full of hair will have to spend time taking care of it. I comb my daughter’s hair once a week for an hour (two if I have to wash it) but a white mother has to spend time every day to make sure her daughters hair is properly groomed and that time spent will be about the same amount of time I spend once a week doing my daughter's hair. So we all spend time it's just in different intervals. All textures have the potential to be beautiful but beauty is in the eye (or mind) of the beholder.
    Thank God for websites like this that allowed me to marry for LOVE so that it didn’t matter what my daughters hair texture was; I can LEARN how to take care of it and make sure it is healthy, strong and beautiful 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    if it wasnt hard to manage our hair, websites like this would not exist . -.-

  • Anonymous says:

    I completely do not agree with the marrying outside of your race for hair. Nor do I agree with people saying how hard it is to manage natural hair. I think it just depends on how skilled and creative you are when it comes to your hair. I've been natural for about a year and a half now and I love it. Although I happened to fall in love and marry a dominican man I pray that my children will have kinky coily hair just like me. But folks that is MY preference and MY opinion. Lets not bash eachother for ur opinions..that is why we all are different. What I must say is that regardless of who we plan to marry and for what reasons I am extremely proud of our young women who have commented on this page and expressed their opinions despite some of the negativity they have received. I am also extremely proud of the fact that they want to MARRIED before they even have children. Let's try to uplift eachother rather than knock eachother down. It's a lot easier to get others to see your point of view that way.


  • Anonymous says:

    I am a teenager now, and I find myself making this same comment. I love my natural hair but I'd prefer to marry another race in order for my children to have looser curls, easier hair or be more accepted. Its hard to instantly fall in love with something which society has always been so negative about. I'd love my children to be natural and not relax their hair but I'm torn between wanting them to be naturally kinky and beautiful and wanting them to be naturally curly and beautiful.

  • Anonymous says:

    Genes are a funny thing. You NEVER know what you will get. Only marry for love or you will be highly disappointed in the long run!!!!!
    Also, to all the people who are having a hard time with their hair. I say wash it condition it and then get you a wig that looks good on you! Don't go through life with a negative vibe!! You don't have to be natural! But take care of your hair underneath the wig!

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree with the above comment. Life is about choices, and everyone has the right to make them.

  • Niki says:

    I remember when I was indignant upon reading comments or hearing comments from people who spoke about 'good hair' and 'nice skin'. But you know what, now that I'm older, I understand.

    It takes a certain level of strength and determination to fight, everyday, just because of the way you look. A woman wants better for her offspring and when she thinks back on the hardships she's had – just because she's 'too dark' or her hair is 'too kinky' or isn't 'long enough' – can you not understand why she would avoid that for her child, if possible?

    I think alot of times we forget that everyone isn't built like us, we don't all have the same tenacity. I for one, if I ever have children want them to be dark like that high grade Godiva chocolate I love so much, and the hair can be as thick as it wants to be; but it doesn't mean that I don't also acknowledge that that child will have the same hardships that I had, just because of their appearance.

    Don't hate on peoples' choices. This is the real world, with real biases and isms. Don't pretend like you don't understand just because you disagree.

  • Anonymous says:

    I wish people could except every indiviual opinion who cares if somone wants to marry a person so their child has kinky hair , its not anyone elses life so who cares which black women is self-hating about their hair its their life.Does it really make you feel better judgeing them its just hair and we only have one life who cares if u wanna go marry a person from a different race to yourself ,so your child has better hair.

  • Anonymous says:

    That 16 year old girl is a fool. How dare you open your mouth and insult black women? who do you think you are? You think you're better? Please, go and marry your white man, hate your hair, hate your blackness, and everything. Nobody is stopping you. I'm also disappointed you were "born into this" because the black community will be a little less self-hating without you.

  • Anonymous says:

    Also u could just leave ur hair fluffy. whats the problem with that.

  • Anonymous says:

    i refuse to respect an opinion rooted in lazyness and ignorance. beacuse at the end of the day thats what it is.

  • Anonymous says:

    hard to manage v.s. not hard to manage, Depends on the persons skill n their attiude towards their own hair. n white women use the same gel. sooo…

  • Anonymous says:

    eco stlying was a second option to the wash n go i was talking about because i felt sorry for u. Im 21 so ummmm. oh yeah my hair is never dry. U LEAVE CONDITIONER IN. then put what ever on top (if u choose). learn to read. Plz dont tell me how long MY hair takes. if ur hair is so much of a problem for u. (n i have 4c hair my the way. so anyone can have defintion). Go away n perm it. :p (or go be white since ur mad ur BORN INTO THIS) ur transparent. PEACE OUT.

  • cassidy says:

    To the 16-year-old girl: I was just giving my opinion. You think it's hard to manage, then ok! I respect your opinion and you should respect other people's opinion too.

  • Anonymous says:

    and if it wasnt hard to manage why the hell would i need eco oil styler gel?!?!!?!? my god, do half of you black women think about what your saying!!! CONTRADICTING YOURSELF!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    first of all I am NOT a fool! im a 16year old girl, and i bet your a grown woman. I swear black women and their attitude against one another my god! Why did i have to be born into this?! i GUESS YOUR NOT AWARE THAT EVERYONE DOES NOT GET CURL DEFINITION when IT DRIES UP! Im clearly aware of all these different regimes and that shit dont take five minutes!? o.O WHO LIED TO YOU!?!?!

  • Anonymous says:

    for the fool @ 3:11pm. My hair is very VERY coarse. I WASH N GO. when u leave the conditioner in, there is no problem. u get curl defintion n all of that. U can even wash, condition, n put in ecostyler gel in it if u have time. ur hair will pop. the next day u just re-wet it. so umm that takes five minutes…… I'm glad my 15 year old sister has sense.

    p.s. I have long hair, i dont use protective styles…….. (big world stop saying our hair is hard to manage. I fly though my styling time)

  • Nia says:

    My situation is kind of reverse. I have kept and maintained my natural curly hair for all the fourteen years I have lived, but my mom has always had a relaxer or something that looked straight and eurocentric. I would really love to just cut off all my long annoying hair and sport a curly afro, but everyone around me (including my mom) thinks I should keep my long hair and just straighten it to keep it manageable. I feel trapped because everyone thinks nice long straightened hair is the look. Its sort of eurocentric to me and I'm not feeling it. I really hate my hair because of it. If anybody has a similar problem or any advice, my email is

  • Anonymous says:

    That's so weird. I'm the exact opposite. I've dated guys of many races, but rarely black guys, and I've often thought it was likely that I'd end up with someone non-black.

    But I recently realized I FINALLY know how to take care of African hair — unlike my mom, or her mom, who, like her mother, had straight Caucasian-type hair — and I'm very, very sad that I MIGHT not be able to pass that knowledge on to my daughter. (Though, genetics are a mystery, and I'm fully aware that just as my black grandmother & great grandmother had straight hair, my half-black daughter may have very kinky hair. Also, if I adopt, I'd likely adopt black kids).

  • Anonymous says:

    Im the anonymous 16 year old girl again, I would not only marry for the hair I WOULD OBVIOUSLY CLEARLY MARRY FOR THE MOST PART OF BEING IN LOVE. You guys are making it seem like black girls like me would ONLY MARRY FOR HAIR. of course not! And our hair is hard to manage, if it wasn't we wouldnt need "protective styling" and keep it in for 3 – 6 weeks! ^ -.- i wish i was born with wash and go hair, but i was not and never will be, i am clearly aware of that!

  • cassidy says:

    I don't think our hair is hard to manage. You make it as hard as you want it. You can keep styles 3 to 6 weeks. You just have to moisturize in between once or twice a week. It means you don't have to deal with your hair that much. Personally, if I had a daughter, I'd be happy to do her hair. It will be our "special bonding time". I'd teach her how to do her hair and also to love it.

  • Anonymous says:

    The fact that people really think there is nothing wrong with marrying and conceiving interracially just so the kids won't have the same experience is mindblowing.

    Just… wow.

    You contribute to the fetishizing of interracial coupling. The comments like, "Ooh you're gonna have such pretty babies!" Like these people aren't human beings but trophies on shelves.

    Get all the way out of here.

  • Bri says:

    Wow…I posted yesterday and came back to see more comments. I was so pleased at some, but at other…this is just sad. If you marry outside of your race so your children can have a certain look, that's ridiculous, and disgusting. And really just sad. It's a shame when other races don't see the beauty in black women…but when black women don't see it in themselves, their mothers, their neices, their daughters and actually have no problem thinking and stating that they'd marry outside their race for better hair, that's just sad. Because one, other types of hair aren't "better." And two, that doesn't say much about the way you see yourself. And if you marry outside (or inside) your race for anything other than love that's just STUPID anyway. It's one thing if you fall in love with someone who just happens to be another race. But to seek out another race for a physical trait in your children or even think of doing so…disgusting. That's not building a family, that's BREEDING. And my beautiful, natural, daughter is a child, not a pet.

  • brownsugahbabee8 says:

    No, I don't think she's being inauthentic. As a mother you always want the best for your children, you do not want them to undergo the same hardships you had growing up. I actually just feel sadden by her comment because it is very obvious her love of her hair (her love of self) has been shaken by her ill experiences with her hair so much that she has forgotten about her good experiences and what her beautiful crown and glory symbolizes.

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree with the woman in this case."Easier" hair definitely exists. When I was younger and my mother had to do my hair and my two sisters hair in box braids every week,spending 2hrs on each daughter with long natural hair, is a significant amount of time out of your weekend, and showed me this was not easy. Other races cannot even comprehend putting that much time into their hair on such a regular basis,and learning patience for your natural hair and how to take care of it yourself and how to grow it healthily, is not easy. Does this mean that their hair is more beautiful, NO. There is great versatility in our hair and its beautiful,but would I want to do what my mother did? NEVER. I would def consider marrying other races for this reason, because whether or not "easier" hair is guaranteed, the chances of your children having it are greatly increased.

  • Anonymous says:

    i dont get it. my hair is kinky. back in the day my momma happy sat down and braided it in a different style every week. It was no stress on her. Maybe because she always knew what she was doing. AND BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO DO IT, INSTEAD OF MAKING UP LAME EXCUSES. N it was fun for me to pick out the many colorfull bubbles and clips she would always add out of pride. I'd go to school and get tones of compliments and lots of ( i wish my hair was like yours so i could do that for non-blacks).IF my childs hair was straight i'd still to the same for her. I guess ur friend doesnt know how to braid. -_-

  • Anonymous says:

    At least this women is honest, i have 3C hair and my daughter is half caribbean half arabic with 2A hair. even though i married my husband for love not for a child with losser textured hair i am happy that her hair is easier to do and takes up less time in my busy schedule.

  • Anonymous says:

    I think it's about all the work you have to do to do two heads of hair that she is worried about. I have been guilty of wanting a boy instead of a girl because I know I don't have the patience to be working on hair all day nor do I have the creativity. I can't cornroll or flattwist and my poor girl would suffer.

  • Anonymous says:

    To anonymouse at 10:33 , Im the anonymous 16 year old girl at 9:08. Thank you for understanding, and I will never ever resort to a relaxer and proud to say i have never had one(: but again, i agree with this woman!

  • Anonymous says:

    I'm with Anonymous at 9:08 AM. I'm a Black woman with natural hair. I love my natural hair and vow never to go back to relaxers or weaves. I am married to a man of East Indian heritage. I married him for love, but also because I want my children to have a different hair experience than I did. Sorry if that upsets anyone, but it's the truth.

  • niece426 says:

    I have heard this over and over. I am a natural and have been fully natural for the past year and a half. I have a 3 yr old daughter with 4b in the front and 4a in the back. I love her hair. I have 3c hair and wear my hair out in the summer alot. My daughter always compliments me on how pretty my hair is. I used to think that my daughter would have hair exactly like mine but she doesn't and that is okay. My daughter's best friend had loose, fine hair and my daughter has started to take notice of the difference. She tells me that she wants straight hair in a ponytail like her friend. I almost cried the first time i heard her say this. I know that she will have a lot to deal with as she gets older. I can't even think of my daughter having straight hair permanently. I love her curls and I am going to teach her to love them too. I had a cousin that used to say that she wanted to marry a white man so that her child would have "good hair". She is now natural and has been for about 5 or 6 years. She has a daughter now and I think she has learned that you cannot predict what kind of hair your child will have.

  • Anonymous says:

    I cringe every time I hear someone say that would marry outside of their race just so their child can have 'easier' hair. Like you have to be seriously twisted up there…..ignorant to its fullest. No sugarcoating that.

  • Anonymous says:

    Me, personally I don't see anything wrong with what this woman said, she was being completely honest. I am 16 years old and have been natural my ENTIRE life. have never dyed,bleached,permed, ect or chemically altered my hair and dont even own a flat iron or blow dryer. I have 4b hair and I agree with her. The struggles that come with our hair is way to difficult speaking for myself, also time consuming and expensive (speaking of the best products). And she CLEARLY stated she doesn't want her child to come out with kinky hair; i Dont understand why this woman is being ridiculed for stating what some of us think. I'm a black girl and I for one believe in "good hair" as ignorance as it sounds (And I am COMPLETELY AWARE IT IS IGNORANT), but I'm just being honest. i DONT want a child coming out with my type of texture either! AND YES I am marrying outside of my race when i get older, TO EACH HIS OWN. not everyone is going to have the same opinion as you, I just hate when a oerson is being lashed at for being honest, Do i like my natural 4b hair? Sometimes Do i Love my natural hair? Rarely. I dont enjoy having it to twist it at night, "protective styling crap" (which i rarely do), or anything that involves me spending more then an hour in my hair. If you enjoy it thats your business but I know for a fact most black women do not enjoy it which is why most of them wear weaves, perms, ect!
    just me being HONEST.

  • Anonymous says:

    I didn't marry my Puerto Rican husband because I thought my children would have straight hair. I actually believed my daughter would have a somewhat easier to manage version of my own. But she actually has loose waves and very fine hair. You don't know what you're going to get and, while I don't say it out loud, I'm sad that I can't do twist-out and braid sessions with her. Oh well, I spend our time looking for the perfect gel, mousse, and hair accessories. Maybe the next one will be a girl with hair more like mine.

  • Anonymous says:

    Ummmm….I pretty much think most of you all are taking part of this the wrong way.

    Now YES, I totally agree the marry out of race thing is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous and unacceptable and that is an issue that she needs to work on and condemning her by some of your comments I've seen is not the way.

    In terms of the "easier" hair issue, I think we all need to be honest. I don't believe she has a problem with her texture because she wears it and wears it well. What she has a problem with is all the time it takes to get it in those beautiful states, to detangle, to wash, to style. I personally have kinky/coily hair and it is a challenge to take care of. I cannot just go to bed without preparing it or hop in and out of the shower in 30 min. for a wash/detangle session. I personally have a life and would not want to spend hours tending to my hair. So would I want another texture? NO(I've actually always wanted this texture, and everyone around me knows it) but would I want my hair to be easier to manage YES …these are 2 different things. I put up with the time because I LOVE my natural hair and want it to be healthy/look good …do I want it to take all this time, NOT AT ALL. And so that is what I believe she meant when she said it was "too difficult".

    Please be real people I don't know ANYONE who would EVER say that…"O yessss…I really want my hair to take hours to get done!!!"…please, that is time NOT well spent that can be going to waaaaaaaay more important things, especially as a child.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, this is sad. My daughter and son and their great curls inspired me to go natural. But there are a lot of women who feel this way. But the crazy thing is just because someone has a child with another race, they can still have children with kinky hair. Look at Seal and Heidi Klum's children. One of their children has very kinky hair. you never know and it really shouldnt matter

  • ebonee says:

    That is just sad that she feels this way. so is she saying she;s not happy with the way god made her hair. Come on now our hair is so versatile and I think that is a good thing. And yes it takes time but who cares we spend more hours in the week working but we still do it right, so why can't you take time out of the day to do your hair. Also I ran into to many people in highschool who wanted to make sure if they ever got preggo by someone they had to make sure that the guy had some good hair, so they can manage their kids hair easier. I just think thats sick to tell you the truth. You have to remember we was brought here against our will and our culture was taken away from us, ,so of course its going to take us some time to know moer about our hair. I'm learning more and more about my hair everyday. and I would not change that for nothing, or my kids hair. I will teach them to love their hair no matter what anyone has to say about it. The only person you need to impress is your self.

  • Anonymous says:

    Kinky coily hair isn't the only definition of natural hair. Is someone less natural if they have an "easier" curl pattern??? Smh it never ends!

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree with WineGrrl! A non-black spouse does not mean that your child will have easier hair. Both my parents are black and my texture came out much different that theirs. I have a cousin whose mother is black and their father is white. They do not have what some people would call "mixed race hair". I really wish people would stop thinking that if they marry outside their race that their child would have different texture of hair. That just may not happen.

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, just wow.

  • Anonymous says:

    Kids will pick on other kids no matter what. That's what kids do. Even the kids that get picked on are guilty of picking on other kids. You cannot shield that part of life from your child. Even adults verbally abuse each other. It's not right but it's a part of life. A looser grade of hair will not change that. I think I would rather raise a child to have high self esteem regardless of what others say. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

  • Anonymous says:

    I was worried about posting what I really think, but I see there are some like minds so I'll say it:

    I used to know someone like this: biracial, with pale skin and a head of GORGEOUS jet-black 4a hair. She absolutely HATED it. In fact she hated just about everything about being black and she got it from her black mother who was probably one of the most pathetic examples of self-hate I've ever seen in my LIFE. Obviously SHE had attempted to "breed the black away" with her white husband but it didn't work and she passed her self-hate on to her kids (yes, there's more than one, and they're all effed up in the head).

    Now this girl is about to marry (a white guy, of course) and unless she gets her ish straight I really believe she's going to bring another generation of haters into the world. Most likely they're going to hate on people with "black" features and if they have those features themselves, they're going to hate on themselves.

    Sometimes I think I'd like self-hating POC to stop breeding (and I know that's a mean thing to say) but since they won't do that I just pray that their kids aren't too damaged from their parents' bigotry and that they don't cause too much damage to others…

  • Anonymous says:

    It's unfortunate that she would choose an interracial marriage just because of hair. Interracial relationships can be difficult because people you encounter will stare, give dirty looks, and sometimes make hostile comments. In addition, some family and friends may not be supportive. Is HAIR really worth all of that??? I hope there would deeper reasons for the marriage.

  • Anonymous says:

    I would at least think that person to be very "conflicted!"

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow! I'm a 4b/c natural. I did the BC and am about 8 months in — I absolutely LOVE being natural. I think it's sooo much carefree than relaxed hair. I'm black and married to a white man, who by the way also LOVES my natural do and has begged me never to go back to the creamy crack :0) I think alot of the way older women feel about their hair stems from never getting any real experience dealing with their natural hair. It only feels like a struggle if you've done something that seems easier. Long before I was natural, I used to look at natural girls with the big wild hair (4 a/b/c) and wish for that hair — thinking they were lucky bc THEY had good hair they didn't have to perm. Now, I'm that girl. My daughter, unfortunately has thin straight hair — but we'll work with it; just like we'd work with it if it were thick and curly. Mostly, I just want her to love herself the way God made her.

  • Marina says:

    The fact that she thinks marrying outside of her race will make her children have "good" hair. Major fail. I, myself am almost equal parts indonesian, chinese, caucasian and west african.
    3c/4a for you. And I LOVE IT! That said though maybe she will get "lucky" and her children could have looser curls, my sister has 2c/3a/3b curlies..
    She is faking it till she makes it as someone else said above. xx

  • MommieDearest says:

    This makes me sad. So, if she marries a non-black man and her children have nappy hair, then what? *smh*

  • Tai says:

    This is what I heard when I read the post (it's in patois):

  • Annie L. says:

    @Anonymous 7:11

    Bingo! I believe this self-delusion, hypocrisy – both, is fairly pervasive. Though it's early in reclaiming 'REAL' love of natural hair, I'm optimistic this throwback attitude will be largely stamped out in the future.

  • Anonymous says:

    Look at the beautiful mother/daughter photo accompanying this post. What's not to love???!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    Well she's honest. A 100% hypocrite, but honest and as my grand-mère would say:"Une mule dans un harnais de chevaux" (A mule in horse's harness).

  • Bri says:

    And for the record…mothers of biracial children have frequently shown frustration with the texture of their children's hair. Being biracial is beautiful. But you never know what traits biracial children are going to inherit. Just because she has a child with a white man doesn't mean their hair will be any less kinky or curly. But really…it shouldn't even matter.

  • Bri says:

    Her love for her hair is inauthentic and she seems a bit ignorant. She may like the idea of being natural, but clearly she doesn't really understand what it means or truly love and embrace it. I'm natural and so is my five year old daughter and I wouldn't have it any other way. My daughter has already asked about straight hair, and I have already explained why all types of hair are beautiful. Mind you she gets compliments EVERYWHERE she goes on her hair. BUT what does she see everywhere she looks? On TV, movies, ads, etc… I went natural in 03. This was before the recent rise in the number of women who are natural. I DIDN'T do it to make a statement, but what a statement I made. When people ask me why I'm natural I think, "Why not?" This is how my hair grows. The question should be, "Why do people get relaxers that damage their hair and have harmful products in them?" When I had a daughter, I never even thought about whether she too would be natural. You can't have it both ways, either you love your hair as it is and you believe it is beautiful however it grows, or you don't. Period. Insecurity to that level means she really hasn't embraced it. And what would marrying outside based first on how she wants her children to look say to her children?! How does that teach them to love themselves no matter what people say or think? Will she allow them to believe that women of color aren't as beautiful as white women? Because even if they are biracial, they will still be women of color. Teaching them how to respond to ignorance is just as important than shielding them from it.

  • Anonymous says:

    In response to someone's comment above, I don't think she's confused at all. She doesn't want her kids to have "nappy" hair because she knows that in this society, it is the least accepted hair. She experiences it first hand. She probably realizes that it's other people's ignorance and that there is nothing wrong with her hair. However, if there is a way that she can shield her children from ever experiencing that, she is going to consider taking it because she does not want them to suffer as she feels she has. It's very sad…but at the same time, I admire her honesty. She feels that she would be making her kids' lives easier. There is no guarantee that her kids will have a certain hair type, however, if they do end up with more "desirable" hair, certain situations will be easier for them. I really can't argue with that…and this is coming from a "nappy-headed" person! LOL.

  • Anonymous says:

    Lol @ Tomi-chan! I concur! It is a gene pool dice game-no one knows what they are going to get.

  • Anonymous says:

    This lady must have a certain amount of love for natural hair because she wears her hair natural. She could use relaxers or weaves but chooses not to. I think she was just being honest about her preference for her kids.

  • Anonymous says:

    At least she's honest. A whole lot of people feel that way but never admit it. However, their actions strongly reflect this attitude. They (men or women) prefer partners with certain complexions, hair textures and facial features. They constantly rant and rave over how "perfect" a person with certain physical characteristics looks. Honestly, it's not surprising in our culture. People who look a certain way tend to get praised by society. The people who want their children to look a certain way want to make sure that their offspring get to participate on the receiving end of the praise.

  • Amber says:

    I'm not all that interested in having children, but I really, really love children with kinky, coily and curly hair. I wish that their parents would let me style their hair. If I had kids, whatever kind of hair they have, I'll take care of it.

  • Anonymous says:

    Stories like these are why the "good hair" "bad hair" debate will never die…ignorant people marry, breed and impute the ignorance into their kids and so on and so forth

  • The Mothership says:

    Marrying outside of your race does not guarantee the texture of your child's hair. Someone hand this woman a Punnett Square -__-. *Sigh*

  • Jami says:

    According to your post, she hopes her children won't have "naturally kinky hair" but will instead have "easier" hair. So I think her love for "natural hair" is authentic, if what she means is "chemical free." Because what I read between her lines, is that "if my children do have 'naturally kinky hair,' then I am not going to encourage them to put a relaxer or texturizer on it, but I will always wish there was no such thing as 'kinky' hair, because it is 'too difficult' and a 'struggle.'"


  • Jmartinez516 says:

    Tell me about it @WineGrrl & Sabrina! I'm biracial. My black mother had to learn how to take care of my natural hair, then I had to relearn how to take care of my hair after growing out my relaxer. I'm still learning it.

    Plus, I got picked on when I was a kid because my hair was different.

    And I can't even believe someone would considering marrying anyone (same race or otherwise) for anything other than love. ESPECIALLY something as superficial as potentially having kids with "easier to manage" hair.

  • Sabrina says:

    You should let your friend know that just because she wants her child to be biracial doesn't necessarily mean her children will have more "manageable" hair. I myself am biracial (black/white)and by some people standards my hair does not look "biracial"

    And besides, I'm sure if I had always been natural and had a mother that knew how to show me how to take care of it, I probably wouldn't be struggling with it like I sometimes do now. Be newly natural is way different than being natural from the get.

  • WineGrrl says:

    A non-Black spouse does not guarantee "easier" hair…

  • Anonymous says:

    well i straddle the fence of going back to the creamy crack a lot!!!

  • Anonymous says:

    People might think I love my natural hair because it looks good a great majority of the time, my well kept hair even inspired a friend to go natural and people are always complimenting me – but I would not say I love my hair texture or natural hair. My hair is kinky-coily and sometimes difficult to deal with especially when I was newly natural. So to answer your question. No. She has a point, but I would not base that point on whom I decide to marry, or not marry.

  • Anonymous says:

    I would highly question her "love" for natural hair. If you truly believe that something is beautiful and healthy and wonderful, why would you not want it for your children?

  • Anonymous says:

    Your friend is a confused jackass.

  • DiJah says:

    Lawd….of all the things to worry about that your child/children might face in the future, hair really should be on the bottom of the list, especially when you yourself have natural hair and is "coping", so yes, I'm gonna say that her love for her natural hair is inauthentic for 200 please Alex!

  • Bridget says:

    I might be in the minority as well. It is hard for me to make judgments about her friend and assume that she truly hasn't embraced her curls, etc. On a certain level, I understand her comment. As CY1023 pointed out, folks can be negative and at times downright rude when making comments regarding natural hair. Parents are very protective over their children and it is heartbreaking to see them hurt. So I understand not wanting your child to experience this negativity and I don't necessarily believe that it equates with low self esteem and not truly embracing your texture.

  • sarah says:

    don't necessarily think this is a self esteem issue. she may just not want to deal with hair. my aunt was happy to have a boy because she didn't want to do a child's hair. she herself wears buns mostly, because, if she isn't in a salon, she doesn't feel like doing her hair. some naturals thrive on styling their hair, or having the option to and other naturals (and non-naturals alike) just don't feel like it.

  • Dani @ says:

    Some people are good at faking confidence and pride.

  • Jeannette says:

    I would think that their love for "self" is not there. Here love for HER hair is as authentic as she can be but she does not truly LOVE her being and definitely not her hair if she feels that she has to marry outside of her race for a child with manageable hair according to her standards. She's got some serious self esteem issues for sure. Like the expression, "Fake it until you make it." Seems like that's what they'd be doing.

  • Jeannette says:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Anonymous says:

    Okay I think I might be in the minority on this one. First, I am natural and so are my daughter, mother, sister and both nieces. We all have very different textures,styles and routines. When my daughter (15 yrs old)tells me about some of the negative comments she had to endure from classmates when she decided to transition (1 1/2 yrs)I feel horrible. But she was strong enough to deal with it and she is the one who convinced me to go natural (1 yr). With that said, perhaps her motivation has nothing to do with hair but with not wanting her child to have to deal with the negativity ignorant people can sometimes dish out when they encounter a curly girl. CY1023

  • Anonymous says:

    Yeah um… a few things are going on with what she's saying. I'm gathering a false sense of self with regards to her hair. She's still stuck.

    I'm glad this was posted though, because it goes to show, just because you go natural doesn't mean there isn't still work to do on the inside for some folk. I equate people like this with the Natural Nazis. They all need to have a seat and ponder life.

  • Anonymous says:

    I remember as a teenager making the same statement. I didn't want my kids to have "bad" hair. I hated having to worry about how the rain, the pool, or sweat would affect my 'do. But now I am A LOT older, I am ashamed of myself for making such a silly statement. I love my natural hair. And not just because it coils and curls, but because it gave me that freedom from my hair indentured servitude. I realized that what I want for my future babies is not to have "good" hair, but to have hair that gives them the freedom to do whatever they want without worrying about how simple things like the weather might affect it.

  • Anonymous says:

    It seems like even though she goes thru the motions…she hasn’t really fully embraced being natural (although she seems to be in love with at least the concept and portrays it on the surface) As the old folk used to say "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" I'm natural, and my daughter is natural also, I mean, I just couldn't see it any other way.

  • Anonymous says:

    I recently began to think about a similar issue with my sister. We are both newly natural and I have fallen in live my my texture! I am obsessed with hair (Im working on overcoming that lol). But my sister has been slower to embrace her curls. I think she has started to do protective styles, mainly buns, to hide her texture, especially at work. I dont know what to say or do for her. Whenever, I tell her about how much I live my WNG's she says she cant do a wash and go and she would love it too if she had my texture.

    Basically, I think she hasnt made the 'full' transformation yet. I think she will end up getting a relaxer again 🙁

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