My mother was on a tangent about how the world is going to hell in a hand bag when she first made me reconsider the purpose of marriage. Bereft of the many torn and single families that she has seen and experienced in her life she turned to me fired up and serious,
I am a mother but I am not a wife. That’s normal these days. It is damn near expected and almost entirely accepted. How many times does the scenario play that a mother takes that deep, sad breath as she looks at her full bellied, young, unwed daughter. How many “everything will be ok”s are spoken to daughters as mothers weigh heavy with the knowledge of the hardship of “the everything” that their naive daughters will endure to get to ” the ok”. Cycles repeat.
Couples stay together for years, undeniably in union yet still clinging to branches of uncertainty and denial. They share their money, love, families, children, homes and dreams with one another yet thoughts of ,”What if he isn’t the one?”, “I’m not ready to settle down?”, “We don’t need a piece of paper”, “We don’t believe in marriage”, “We aren’t financially ready” keep them individualized indefinitely.
Yet, how many marriages do we know that the couples married and stayed together although faithfulness is a failure. Separate rooms and beds are the norm, submission and stubbornness are learned and slowly eat away at tenderness and compromise. Tension fills the once happy home. Children learn to be more mature than their angry parents. They become mediators and counselors. They become cynical, lost adults.
Blended families become blessings. Step fathers become saviors. Step mother’s become best friends trusted and accepted. Love can be reborn if it doesn’t work out the first time.
There are so many reasons why people are weary of marriage. There are so many arguments for it that are strong. There are so many arguments against it that are reasonable.
Regardless, I admire couples that walk down the isle – young, old, naive, wise, heartbroken but hopeful, brave, scared, grateful, certain and ready. I imagine in a world where it seems so much easier and “modern” to go other routes that it requires some revolutionary sentiment to marry.
Do or die. By any means necessary.
But now a days is it really necessary?
Shanti Mayers and Antoinette Henry are best friends whose friendship took root in Philadelphia 10 years ago. Now as adults, Antoinette lives in Brooklyn New York pursuing her dreams in theater while Shanti still resides in Philadelphia raising her one- year old daughter. The creation of their blog “A Curl’s Best Friend” is representative of the creators and their love for natural hair, their appreciation of beauty and talent, their need for self -expression and their admiration for the many faces and voices of womanhood. Keep up with them on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr!
We commit to educating ourselves, getting healthy and being good stewards over our finances because we understand the long-term benefits of our decision to do so. The path to earning your degree is not always easy, there are sacrifices we make to better our finances and it don’t always feel good to deny ourselves that extra slice of cake when we're trying to shed the extra pounds. But we know that the benefits are well worth it. Likewise, marriage is a decision that we make and we have to commit to it even when it’s difficult because we understand the overall benefits of staying committed to it. Marriage benefits the husband, wife, kids and the community. Marriage is a marathon and we have to be willing to see it through to the end in order to reap the benefits.
Sometimes necessary is relative. If marriage is necessary to you then get married. If it's not necessary for you then don't. When making that decision, however please make sure it's YOUR decision. Not society's, not religion, not because somebody tells you that you should or you shouldn't. You're the one who has to live with your own decision. We already have to follow enough day to day societal norms and rules. When it comes to a decision as personal as marriage, make it yourself whether it be a popular one or not.
I have mixed feelings about getting married. Sometimes I want to and other times I don't. Fear is the main thing but it's validated with the stories of couples breaking up after 30+ years of marriage or less. I am one of those who puts in 100% into a relationship and I can't stand the fact that the other person may not put in 100%. Then stories like "Men are less masculine today than they were 20-30 years ago" (featured in Doctors) does not help. I want a man not a fe-man!!! Sigh!!
I would love to get married, but with all of these studies and statistics about how a certain percentage of black women who won't get married…And I'm afraid I'm fulfilling the prophecy.
The purpose I have is bible based as some posters before have stated before me…so no need to reiterate. I like to believe that being
"so young to be married"…we can be an example to our peers that with a firm, individual relationship with God, the ability to communicate and compromise, our marriage can stand any tests thrown toward us; not faltering to any little wind that blows across us.
Now it's Heidi Klum (sp) and Seal. Oh brother.
Best.Post.Ever…This year.
Marriages fail because people have unrealistic and immature expectations about what it really means. They become selfish and think its all about them and what they want. I've been with my husband for 16 years and many of my friends have been married for a long time as well. So many of us don't know what a good marriage looks like because our parents didn't have one or were never married. There is tremendous benefit in being married especially when kids are involved– it motivates you to put more effort into staying together. Marriage is a partnership and it ensures kids a foundation telling them that if you work hard work together, you can have things. The problem is getting involved with someone who does not share your goals– a man with a football team of kids and baby-mammas. A man like that is not going to be a good Father or husband. Whether the relationship works out or not, if kids are involved like it or not they are tied to the man forever. Its a sobering thought when you see a man with a history of broken relationships and back logged child support payments.
The first time i experienced red velvet cake i thought it was aight.Just aiiight. no matter how amazing other people told me it wasm based on my experience it wasn't something I was necessarily eager to try again. I then had one of the best red velvet cupcakes EVA. I'm now a fan.
Sometimes if you've never had something really good, you have no desire to experience it for the first time or ever again. That doesn't mean it isn't wonderful. i hear this from people who swore of marriage then met the right person. More seriously marriage isn't just about love it's agreeing to 'stick it out' through the mundane, even tumultous seasons. You can pack a bag and leave your "boo". Shouldn't be that way in an institution that should be rooted in commitment and trust. When children are involved it's all the more reason to be committed. Choosing to create a human life together is pretty monumental. Committing to the person with whom the child was made is only fitting of such an important life decision.
The psychopolitical agenda and influence on the consciousness of the masses is negativo in regards to marriage and family. The propaganda coming through the media makes the male look like an ass and the female a fema-nazi to upset the natural courting dance and complimentary balance between men and women. The equality message is misleading as men and women are only equal spiritually but psychologically, emotionally and physically, we are different and not supposed to be competing with each other. Each sex brings a complimentary energy to the whole but with the feminization of men and the ballsy "liberation" of women, there is a monkey wrench in the works. And it's called the New World Order, destroying the social nucleus of family which is the very fabric of our society and cohesiveness, creating instability and needy children, women and men that the state rushes in "protect and help" (creating a debilitating dependency.) It's called create the problem/solve the problem to control. Children raised in dysfunction grow up traumatized and susceptible to the lure of the military to become the new fodder for endless war that keeps expanding it's reach to destroy nations states and create the NWO. Yes, loving and committed marriage is revolutionary now to reverse the agenda to destroy family and to disempower and depopulate the masses.
I believe that it should take a lot to get married. Two people should want to come together, commit themselvs to working hard to love, care, try to understand and support each other. Marriage should be a willing compromise for two people who love each other and a promise to be better for each other. Some people have that and it still doesn't work. We can't assume that a couple didn't trust in God enough or didn't try hard enough. It's such an insult. We can't presume to know the causes of a marriage's failure.
I don't think marriage is a revolutionary act. I think dating is normal and very healthy. If you feel you're ready to commit to another person then get married, but you can have commitment without marriage. Marriage might be for the more traditional or those who really believe in it's importance or just feel like it's the best way to showcase the commitment they're willing to make to one person. I'd like to get married one day to someone who I think adds to me and someone who I want to support but it won't safeguard me from loneliness if it ends up not working for whatever reason and I think that's why a lot of people in their early twenties rush to get married. That's my age group but I'm willing to wait, and date until I find the right one.
I don't believe God is a fairytale. We have free will. He doesn't force us to do anything. My perspective comes from that of my faith. I guess you have to operate from whatever your core beliefs are.
going against the grain, but really saying God instituted marriage, God is a fairy tale people, snap out of that nonsense.
Marriage however, is beautiful for other reasons, it solidifies commitment and shows love for one another by becoming one.
I want to get married for that reason, not God.
If God wanted us all to be married, wouldnt we?
I was married at the age of 27 to a very immature man. I knew that I shouldn't have been getting married so soon, but we had lived together for 3 years, and I was leaving to join the military. I made the mistake of rushing him into marrying me, and that lasted for about a good year. Now I am a single mom and I learned SOOOOO much from that whole thing. The purpose of getting married shoulf not be about money, stability or your facebook status. Yes, I want to marry again someday, but I learned to let GOD lead the whole thing, not myself. Also, I want to add that I have been dating recently, and I find it disappointing how immature 30 year old men are. I was shocked! I want to discuss something other than video games, youtube, Jay Z, and all that other mindless CRAP. Also, some men want a woman that they date to be their mother…cook for them, clean, do laundry. Sorry, I don't "play wifey" for anyone. That's bullsh*t!!! The men also need to GROW UP!!!
Relationships are hard. It's a cop out . Marriage is still very important n I think the lack of has contributed to the complete mess our families are in today. Our society is made up of families a good deal of which are broken. It's a never ending cycle of mess . We need to get bsck to marriage. I believe God instituted it for a reason . Great article Shanti!
Loved the post and comments even more!
@BKDolceVita, this is the third time I have seen someone reiterate this point! I know some people marry in their twenties and it works out. However, I've come to believe that nowadays, people should get married after 30. The twenties are a time of many transitions, self-discovery and growth. In the 30's you come into your own and are mature.
Sometimes we focus on the romance of a wedding but forget the practical implications of marriage. Planning the marriage is even more important than planning the wedding.
@Erica S, marrying later because of school or career aspirations may be unavoidable for some people. Especially in this competitive world. A few extra years of school can make a difference financially. Money issues are one of the major reasons marriages fail. It's important to discuss finances among other issues. Just this week I was watching the Today show, they said the number 1 secret couples keep from each other is about Money. This issue even comes before sex.
@ Erica I think that is probably the greatest silent killer of both marriage and motherhood.
In the old days you got married at 19 and created your life together.
Now a days you are taught to have your life together before you marry.
Now that I know what I know, I think that it is important that you have "your life together before you bring children in the mix but marriage is a proclamation that you are entering your life with someone you love. You don't necessarily have to have finished grad school or college for that matter to be married.
@Neesha Cherie
That's because "Wifey" doesn't mean wife, but the playing house girl anyway.
I think we've come so accustomed to advancing our own personal lives, rather through careers and education, that marriage is put on the back burner and dating is more of the norm. And before we know it, we're 35, never been married, (may or may not have a child) and marriage is still not as serious of an issue.
But there's still a small ounce of me that marriage in the black community does still exist.
The purpose of marriage in this day and age…mmm…why don't we go back to the first wedding. Genesis 2:22-24. God created Eve because he saw that Adam was missing something, all the other animals had mates, why not this intelligent creature. So, God gave Adam, Eve, as a complement. A complement, something that fills up, completes or makes perfect, one of two mutually completing parts.
Marriage was designed to form a permanent bond of union between man and woman, that they might be mutually helpful to each other. Living together in love and confidence, they could enjoy great happiness. Additionally, it was the foundation set for reproducing members of the human family, to bring into existence more creatures of the human kind.
The purpose is simple, the institution of marriage is well founded, but we are all imperfect and that is why marriages are so troubled. If we heed the bible's guidance (Eph 5:21-33) on the respective roles of husband and wife, even with imperfection, we can have a happy marriages. It's been working for me.
I say get married after you turn 30. And make sure you're marrying for the right reason and the right person.
1. Both of you should be financially stable
2. Lots of passion in your sex life (that will get you through the rough times)
3. Common bonds & values
If you don't have that then don't get married. It will end in disaster. Hell, you could have all that and it could still end disaster…so make sure you don't settle!
Marriage isn't about proving love, it's about establishing a commitment. The difference between marriage and cohabitating isn't about tax benefits or any of the such. It's about going the extra mile by saying, "This is meant to be forever and I have the papers to prove it."
I completely agree that you have to have the right partner and you should take your time to choose. Been there, done that, and learned from it. I'm not against cohabitating. It gives you a chance to see how your partner really is, but marriage is for those who actually want to commit and not continue to "test the waters".
I just heard that Vanessa & Kobe are going through with their divorce and Vanessa gets half of his earnings/assets. She had to be married to him for 10 years to get it. Wow. With all those riches you would think they could work through their diffences in this season. Some infedility and communication problems only lasts a season – if that is what it was. What message does this send to married couples, to singles, to families and to our youth? One thing is for sure money can't guarantee nor buy happiness. I remember people saying that some love could withstand the tests of time. What happened to it? Are people really taking their marital vows serious or is it just a religous act? Is it I really love you today but hate you tommorow? Is a front? ……I pray they get counseling and remember the love they used to have and try to reconcile and STAY together. Every marriage has problems cause teeth and tongue fall out from time to time. Teeth and tongue help to produce a beautiful smile.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years (our oldest child is 18 🙂 We have been friends since we were 12 years old, and we love and support each other. As with any relationship there are times you disagree and there are times when patience and compromise are necessary. But we are family. I don't divorce my other family members when we hit a bump. No, we work it out and move forward.
@Anonymous -6:22
Was that directed at me? If so, why do you feel so? I'm not religious so I don't really believe in a God who finds marriage important. There are plenty of people who live together for years without getting married and they are completely devoted to each other. As I said, there are LGBTQ who still lack the right to a marriage, and I know a few couples in there old age that are very very happy together and every bit committed to the relationship.
Anyways, I hope you choose to respond. I respect your opinion even if you don't. Be well!
i think cohabitation is immature.
I LOVE the idea of marriage. And I'm 20 years old. If you get the right person and allow the love to flow between the two of you and are truly selfless people, not seeking self gain then I truly believe it would be a wonderful WONDERFUL thing!
I want to get married, but only if the person shares the same views as I do on marriage.
I love marriage because God instituted it and I HATE divorce. I love the idea of Unity and working things out together. The devil loves all this division that we see nowadays. I am not for staying in abusive marriage or one in which the partner repeatedly goes outside the marriage physically or emotionally. It’s a blessing to have a husband and wife as a team unit in the home for the kids. You learn so much about your spouse and your kids together everyday. Of course moms and dads and kids make mistakes but you learn and you do better. You see the growth. It really does take a village and there is nothing more important than a child having a mother and a father in a safe home. If you depend on God to take care of your marriage and your family He will truly make everything alright. I get upset when people are so quick to get a divorce because it becomes a cycle. Communities are affected by divorce. No one wants to take the time out to say we can do this – let’s try again. There are no sins or situations that God can not fix. If He can look beyond our faults and be longsuffering with us – then why can’t we in relationships. He who is without sin cast the first stone. I’m just saying.
I think for new marriages it's an economical issue. No one wants to get married and not be prepared to raise a family, take care of bills, etc. If you look at some stats, you'll see cohabitation is pretty high. I believe people are just waiting for the right time.
For failing marriages/the high divorce rate… well not many people are ready or mature enough to share a life with a partner. Living with someone requires a sense of equality in wealth, ideology, and life time goals. If you don't have that or figure out that connection before you get married and have kids, then you're kind of screwed for the long run.
Then there's the third group– like me, who just wants to cohabitation with another person (or you're a member of the LGBTQ community and you're not allowed to get married. Anyways…) Life's not like before. You don't have to marry someone to prove you love them anymore. It's not something I'd rush to because I don't need it. It's not special to me. I don't need that document unless I plan on having kids. And I don't.
But in any case marriage's a very awesome and spectacular thing for people who do get married. And it's still important to a lot of people. It's not going away anytime soon.
At the moment I am 18 and I know it is very young but until I met my boyfriend I was determined not to get married. Even when i did meet my boyfriend it took almost a year before i decided i would want to marry him one day. i grew up in a single parent house hold never knew who my dad was and watched my mother struggle because she was to stubborn to ask for help. her parents are still married and were involved with raising me and then became my legal guardians when i was 13. Honestly i do not believe that children need both parents in order for them to be productive memebers of society. as long as children have good role models (which can be any body because my role models are not anyone in my family and these are the people who raised me)they will grow up and be happy. as long as children have their basic needs provided for they will grow up well. As for marriage that is your personal choice. just make sure you know who that person is before you marry them. me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over 3 years now and about every six months i live with him for about 5-6 weeks when i'm out of school. we both know tha we are not ready for marriage now but we are still building our relationship and know that we will get married some day.
My mom is a single parent. But every since I was a little girl. I've always wanted to get married and have a family with a nice little brick house with a drive way. LOL…I guess I wanted that because my friends had parents that were married and their families always seemed so much happier and fun. Maybe because they didnt have to struggle like my single parent mom. :/ …Idk, but my dream is coming true. Im engaged and neither one of us have kids yet. 🙂
A lady saw my ring today at work and congratulated me. She also mentioned that now a days, you dont see many people getting married.
after being raised in both a single parent household and a two parent household, i'd have to say that the two parent household is better. i was lucky to have my father still in my life. he taught me things that i wouldn't have been able to learn from my mother or older sister. other kids my age in single parent homes didn't even have that. that's not to say that all two parent homes are perfect, but in general, a child benefits more from having two parents present. the trick is making sure the person you marry is absolutely the right one, and not the hottest thing to say yes.
I wanna get married too, but first I need a man! Where all the good ones at?!
Also, I believe the only reason I would like to marry is sex and taxes/benefits.
I guess I'll be the one with the unpopular opinion.
For myself, I don't think its necessary. Everybody does not need to be married. Not everyone will get married. However, when there is a CHILD involved, then yes marriage is necessary. I don't agree with children being born out of wedlock. You may not need a man, but that child does. Its healthy for that child's development. But I'm also for couples who choose not to marry and have a long term relationship. At the end of the day, its their choice.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the institution of marriage. I respect it wholeheartedly. I just don't hold it to the same value as a lot of people.
I would like to be married and have kids, but not sure that it will happen for me. Sometimes being married doesn't guarantee a longevity these days. The good thing of being married is the health plan of either spouse. But sometimes just being in a ltr w/o being married works for alot of people. Just like having a kid w/o being married, why should a female have to wait to get and then have kids. Some of us may never find the person that makes us want to get married. So if you have someone that's right now and you're happy then go with the flow, because tomorrow is never promised in any relationship or marriage.
Excellent article Shanti, I totally agree.
I think marriage serves the same purpose today as it alwasy has, but our society downplays its need and its importance. We find ways to avoid it and replace it, therefore making it almost obsolete. I am so tired of hearing girls refer to their boyfriends or baby daddys as "hubby" and guys refering to their girlfriends or baby mamas as "wifey" knowing full well that they don't plan on officially giving her the title of "wife". My parents have been married for 15 years, which isn't long when you consider the fact that I'm 22, but at least they took the plunge. They dove into the unknown and lived above the fear like TyaD so mentioned. I also intend to do so. I just hope that the Lord has someone for me who feels the same way.
-Neesha Cherie
I've been married for six years. My personal experience has taught me that marriage can be a blessing if both parties commit to bringing love, patience, compassion, understanding and integrity to the union. If one or both partners can't or won't make that commitment, marriage can be a disaster and a source of a lot of strife and unhappiness. It is truly better to be single and happy than married and miserable.
Marriage is a wonderful, loving arrangement instituted by God. It is definitely still relevant today. The breakdown of the family unit is a reason for much of the insanity in the world. Marriage is never perfect – there will be problems that arise just like in any other relationship. The real problem is that people are committed for life noawadays. If there is abuse or other deal breakers, then separation could be vital. But for petty things, couples need to work it out. They vowed to God to stay together depsite the problems. What happened to that promise? Many marriages fail but so do many other things in life – people lose their jobs, flunk out of college, etc. That doesn't mean it won't work for you. Live above the fear! Take the leap if the situation warrants.
I was once the person that wanted to get married. I have been single for almost five years now and I don't see myself ever getting married again. I like my life right now. I don't want a baby either so….there's really no reason for me to get married.
Some say for financial security, but if you add another person to your life, aren't you just doubling the bills? Unless that person makes more than you do. Water, gas, lights, cable, Netflix, food. All that stuff goes up. LOL.
Marriage is still important. This is God's design for family. Even if you don't believe in God, it's still very important. There are too many broken families out there and this is a huge disadvantage to the children, should they come. Children need a dad AND a mom and need to know that they are committed.
I do not believe that staying together with problems is the same though…that, to me, is just like being separate. People need to learn how to have healthy marriages, that are not based on "he makes me happy or she makes me happy" but rather, we serve each other and that service brings about JOY. A by-product of our union.
Yes, marriage is still necessary!
I totally agree with this article. I want to get married. It is such a beautiful thing. I was once that person that never wanted to get married but that has changed.