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Curly Nikki

Why Even Mom Needs to Maintain her Identity

By January 27th, 202114 Comments

Why Even Mom Needs to Maintain her Identity


Once they become mothers, some women find it difficult to maintain their sense of self, casting all their energy into a wide net around their children; there’s nothing wrong with this, but moms need to maintain an identity independent of their children. Why?

Because children grow up, become their own people, and leave your net behind.

My son is 12 years old and he is reaching a point where he is looking to Dad for guidance way more than he is looking to Mom. And yet, he is asserting his independence from both of us, preferring to hang out with his friends, shunning silly things like Halloween costumes; and he is completely and utterly embarrassed by everything we do—with or without reason. We’ve reached a point where he requires space and privacy. In four years, he’ll be driving a car; and in six years, leaving for college. If I didn’t have goals and projects of my own, I might be feeling these growing pains even more profoundly.

You can’t pour into your children what you don’t yourself possess.

The best way in which to teach or influence your children is to set a healthy example. You have to know how to be independent—or whatever other adjectives you’d like them to live up to—in order to show your children how to do it. They’ll listen to what we say, but more than that, they are watching what we do and making decisions on whether or not they’d like to do it the same way.

You are more likely to be patient with your children when you’ve had time to yourself.

You can’t be all that your kids need you to be unless you have had space to regroup and recharge. When you’re able to take a beat for some “me” time, and to do something that brings you joy, that energy will spill over into other facets of your life. The positive feelings that you’ve generated by doing something you love that is all your own will help you to be loving and present with your children, as opposed to frazzled and overwhelmed.

We will take on many labels as we navigate through life: daughter, friend, student, wife, mother—but these are just roles that we play. It is important that we each take time to remember who we are outside of those roles and to fight to maintain that essence of who we are. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love our children—it just means that we know we have to be our best selves, in order to be the best moms.

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PLPT is co-authored by Kim Jackson and GG Renee with the intention of connecting with women through messages of self-love and personal freedom. We believe that true beauty starts on the inside and radiates outward, so maintaining emotional health and balance should be an essential part of every woman’s beauty regimen. We use this platform as an opportunity to share our personal experiences, and to help other women who are seeking guidance to find their own truths and live fabulously.

14 Comments

  • O.A.Eddy says:

    Sooo, sooo true. But it doesn't only happen to new Moms. It could happen to new wives as well.

  • Anonymous says:

    Babyu21, I agree with you. It's one of the reasons why I am saying no thanks to kids. It's a sad sight. I have friends with children, but I don't want to hear about them all the time.

  • Anonymous says:

    i totally agree. the same goes for every part of life. Being a wife, a sister etc… I love being a MOMMY, but I sometimes take time away from the family for ME. No kids, no husband and it makes life grand.

  • Unknown says:

    The timing on this post couldn't have been better~ Thank you for your insight!

  • Anonymous says:

    You and your family look beautiful!

  • DiscoveringNatural says:

    What a wonderful post. I have been this way since my first daughter was born. I totally lost myself in them. I have two girls, 7 and 3 years old. They are my heart! But I just recently learnt that I need to take time for myself. I started doing this last year, and I must say, I am a BETTER mom. At first, I felt selfish for taking time off for myself, but now that I realize how necessary it is, I feel that by doing so, it makes me less stressed out and impatient with my girls.

    – discoveringnatural.blogspot.com

  • Latoya says:

    As a new mom, this is so true. Even if it is 15 minutes… it recharges my batteries.

  • Unknown says:

    Ooooo, this post has spoken directly into my heart! Last year, my identity was just sucked into my now 15 month old son. My hair was ATROCIOUS! I didn't care how I looked. To be honest there were times I'd really wonder why my husband was even with me.

    I didn't know how to be a mom and my true self. Getting back to work after having my son and breastfeeding, being a wife and mom felt like I was living in a tornado almost everyday. I felt like I was losing my self and my mind.

    I finally just became sick and tired of my low self esteem and my own complaints of how I hate my look. I'm slowly and surely making my comeback. Learning how to organize better, style my hair, ASK for help, not just wait for someone to offer and just take care of me.

  • b. says:

    @ babyu21…i so agree! The name change thing to xyzmom scares me too. The same with becoming xyzwife. I'm married and my hubs & I are thick as thieves but um, no.

  • babyu21 says:

    This post is exactly what I have been trying to say to friends. I don't have kids and at a point I was scared because all my friends completely lost themselves and I didn't want that to happen to me.

    The women who scare me the most are the ones who become known as tonysmom and who change their screen names to tiffanysmom and tiasmom, really???? But who are you?? Did you lose your identity as soon as you gave birth. You are your own person please remain that individual.

  • CurlyInTheA says:

    Great post. It's OK to admit that, at times, we lose ourselves as moms, as we try to navigate life and motherhood. It's a journey, and sometimes we get it wrong.

    Years ago, I was knee deep in baby food, spit up, Pampers and Pull ups, and juggling a preemie infant (My 3 kids are 18 months apart).

    Had stopped wearing makeup, jewelry, dressing the way I liked to dress, in exchange for comfort.

    Married but I felt like I had to prove to myself that I could do it, especially with the oldest child.

    Motherhood is a tough job and society expects us to put our needs last. Let my children do something wrong and the first question is, where is their mother? Or, how many times do you hear people say put your kids/family first? Or criticize how you dress because you're a mother?

    Yes, it is an all consuming job. But we can be moms and keep what makes us special, too, because if Momma ain't happy, no one is happy! We sacrifice for our families, but we have to keep part of ourselves, too.

    I got my grove back when my baby turned 1 in 2002, and haven't looked back. People are shocked when I tell them I have three kids, now 14, 12 and 11.

    I guess they think I should be wearing mom jeans, mom shoes and mom clothes. Umm … no, I wear skinny jeans, four-inch heels, my big hoop earrings and cute clothes on the regular.

    I try to make sure my daughters see me making time out for my girlfriends and doing me! Even though now they are tweens and sometimes don't like it, but oh well.

    Love my 3 to death, sacrifice for my kids, and would kill a brick over them, but guess what? I'm not going to fall apart when they leave the nest, either. Will be too busy celebrating — and living with the hubs in a foreign country for half of the year (my dream) and shopping for a closet full of Loubies! LOL.

    http://www.HairNista.blogspot.com

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for this post. Since I had my daughter nine months ago, I constantly feel a struggle between being a good mother and still maintaining my sense of self. Despite negative feedback from family (with the exception of my husband), I still make it a point to take an hour or so for myself. I encourage all women to be a good parent but make sure to take care of yourself also (e.g. go out with the girls, read a book, excercise). I learned that by continuing to take a little bit of time for me, I am a better wife and mother.

    Nicole P

  • Pecancurls says:

    Good points! You always have to take care of self. I know someone who completely lost herself in her daughter. 18 years later, the daughter is grown and gone. Her marriage fell apart and she is so unhappy.

  • Anonymous says:

    I find this post very interesting, I don't have children yet but did had a close friend who had a son. Months after she gave birth I found her not doing things she used to do, putting on makeup, getting a pedicure etc. I had to pull her aside one day and say "you can be ** mother and be yourself too. If you wear sweats in public ever again you we can no longer be friends" and from then on she became herself again with the addition of being a mother. I think its sad when women lose their "fabulosity" when they become a mother. Like I said I am not a mother yet but I do have some friends that have children and are still doing their thing. I think women can manage both but some just don't.

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