There’s always been something very attractive to me about uncertainty. Attractive and agonizing, that is. How so, you ask? Like my pattern of falling for men who were slightly aloof and emotionally unavailable. Even as I expressed my disdain for their opaque behavior, I secretly savored the mystery. I would ask myself over and over why I always went for guys that challenged me this way. And yet for better or worse, when the ultimate ambiguity knocked, I not only answered but I allowed it to move in, settle down and make three babies with me.
Sorry, I digressed there for a moment. But I do want to talk about knowing yourself, your patterns and how you can use your natural inclinations to your advantage. You know, to become the woman you want to be.
Self-observation is good for the spirit, you know? In my example above, I talk about being drawn to uncertainty. I used to see this as a liability, but I’ve reframed it because, well simply because it pleases me to do so. Thinking of it in a negative way just wasn’t working for me. We have to really search ourselves to find those deep rooted thoughts and stories we tell ourselves that define our self-perception. It’s important because if we don’t do this soul searching work, we’ll continue to place limits on ourselves that are built on false truths and old ideas. For me, instead of wondering why I never could stick it out with “normal” guys, I accepted that normal is subjective and I prefer a little bit of “crazy”. Just a little. I also prefer a little bit of emotional distance. Again, just a little. A healthy amount of detachment is necessary for me to feel free.
So when I say that I want to become a certain kind of woman, the statement has many meanings. To some extent, I am talking about certainty in the literal sense and knowing that my natural instincts are relevant and shouldn’t be devalued. But speaking more broadly, I’m talking about the process of becoming a self-loving woman who lives her truth and exploits her strengths, weaknesses, preferences and idiosyncracies to her advantage.
I am going through some self-analysis right now to get clear on where I’m going and how to focus my energy.
*What are my greatest strengths and weaknesses that I need to build on or deal with in my professional and personal life?
*What old beliefs about myself and my capabilities am I hanging on to? What false ideas are holding me back?
*Am I currently doing the work that I want to be doing?
*Does the bulk of my energy go towards what I have to do for money or what my spirit calls me to do creatively?
*What are my real feelings about using my creative outlets to make money?
*Do I currently have a support network that supports what I want to do?
*Do I have a mentor, and if not, why not??
*What are the top three things that I need to learn and how can I learn them?