After a huge blow up with a loved one a few weeks ago I had to do
some self-reflection OBVs. When toxic, judgmental and negative people
enter your life, most sane people would show them the door. But when it
comes to our family members we have a way of holding on to them for dear
life no matter how painful it can be to love them. We pray, work hard
to change our behaviors and hang on to the hope that the relationship
will get better. I’m finally admitting that not every relationship is
worth fighting for.
I have deeply rooted abandonment issues that I’m not afraid to admit,
so letting go can be extremely traumatic for me. Losing someone in my
life makes me feel as though I’m losing a piece of myself.
Instead of spending my time thinking about the ending of a
relationship as a loss, I think about it as an opportunity to love
myself and them even more. My definition of love continues to transform
and now I know what the true meaning of unconditional love is.
Unconditional love is having an argument with your mom but knowing that
when you need her most she is always there. Unconditional love is what
people have for you when you are at your worst and they still give you
grace and love you through the pain.
Today I choose me. Today I choose the people that continue to be in
my corner whether I’m up, down, hard to deal with or down right
disrespectful, because they know my true heart and my true intent.
I’m done forcing relationships that are clearly unattainable and
leaving well enough alone. I’ll keep those I’ve had to move on from in
my prayers but not in my life.
Dorsey is an eco-glamour expert, writer, speaker, social entrepreneur
and creator of the blog OrganicBeautyVixen.com – “A Brown Girl’s
Guide to Eco-Glam Living”. Sherrell believes that going green with
your beauty routine doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your fierce and
fabulous style. Connect with her on twitter and facebook for all things beauty, green, eco-friendly, organic, sustainable and of course… Eco-glam.
Well said…this speaks to my relationship with my father and my feelings about how I am choose to deal with it. This line says it all: "I’ll keep those I’ve had to move on from in my prayers but not in my life."
Thank you for this article. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life but one of the best ones too . . . I've been struggling with the same thing but I realize that focusing on the positive, the positive people in my life and choosing me is best for me right now.
Thank you…
I too have been having some on and off struggles with my mother who loves to live in the past. I've left the situation in prayer and that's all that I can do. Stay encouraged ladies. Look to God to refill your cup.
Just when you think your the only one in the world going through a thing. Here comes and article like this!
I'm sure like myself, many understand how touchy it can be when it comes down to seperating yourself from a family member/close friend, etc. Just last month, I had a "physical fight" with a close cousin of mine! #straightupoutofmycharacter
and had a few arguments with a girl I know from childhood. Non of which was started by me!
See this is especially hard for me; because I'm very family oriented and loyal to my friends. But as someone mentioned above the buck STOPS HERE! I can NO longer allow other's problems to be at the exspense of my well being.
I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO TAKE THEIR PROBLEMS OUT ON ME ANYMORE!!! Also like the writer of the article, I hated to lose relationships. It affected me in a great way!
However,Praise God, I'm a new person today! I've learned that even when you think your alone, YOUR NOT! God is always there for you. Trust in the Lord, and in your spirit it will never steer you wrong. I CAN LOVE FROM AFAR TODAY!
This is beautiful! Im still working on this. Thnk you for posting this. This is where I am right now, learning to put me first…Your family sounds just like mine.
Wow.Right on time. I can't get this out my mind for weeks now: holding on to people that aren't nothing for me. I too have deep abandonment issues. I just can't let relations go [boy friends and female friends] even with they have expired long ago.
I just keep praying to God to change me inside. To have the strength to walk away when I see it isn't good for me…and be totally okay with doing it.
Find strength from loving yourself… that has helped me a lot. You're halfway there already because you admit it and that is Okay.
I've been there and I'm still there. I've learned not to expect anything in return… I just love but I also draw the line. Family can make or break you… my mum taught me to be an individual and that's what I am.
Great article.
I think it's harder to say I'm going to distance myself from a family member especially when it's your immediate family. I'm not going to go into details, but my mom & dad & myself had a falling out for almost 2 years & it hurt me to my heart everyday. They missed two important events in my life that we can never get back. We're all talking & seeing each other again, but that pain I felt from not having them I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Brooke B.
This hits home for me. I'm currently in a no-win struggle with my brother who I love dearly. He has become a bitter man with a long list of folks who have "done him wrong". Unfortunately, my husband is on his list and my brother tried to put me in the middle of it. If my husband was in the wrong, I would be the first to push him to make it right, but after much soul searching, prayer, and (too many) tears, I sincerely believe my brother's anger against my husband is unfair and displaced. For my sake, my husband tried to make peace several times, but my brother won't let it go. So now, my husband is done with it and just prays that my brother will find a way to address his real problems and find some peace. I never ever imagined that I would go almost 2 years without seeing or speaking to my brother and it hurts so much. But I feel like he has backed my husband and me into a corner, and we're not the only ones. At this point, I don't know what to do except pray for him. I can't allow his bitterness to poison the family life my husband and I have created together with our kids.
Dear Megan, please seek counseling.. At 22 years of age, you have a lifetime to seek and achieve the love, health and happiness you so richly deserve. You must actively nurture and love yourself first, take an active role in your mental/physical health and seek your happiness. They can't be found in others. Good luck girl!
Dear Megan, please seek counseling.. At 22 years of age, you have a lifetime to seek and achieve the love, health and happiness you so richly deserve. You must actively nurture and love yourself first, take an active role in your mental/physical health and seek your happiness. They can't be found in others. Good luck girl!
I am crying literally because I always argue with my mother, but she kknows I love her to death that is unconditional love. I have abandonment issues because of my father abandoned my family and made my mother lose her job because he beat her stoked the car, so she had no one to watch us she had to. We went to a shelter for battered women and been or her own ever since, no other man in our lives every just her and four children working two jobs. My mother is very important to me. I know when I become involved in a relationship someday I would try to hold.on them good or bad because that will hurt me so much if it were to end. I avoid relationships because I do not want them fail, I am 22 years old and never been in a relationship.
Megan Montgomery
I too understand how family can cause turmoil in your life. I also had to understand that it is ok to love them from afar and sometimes better to that. God is not the author of confusion and if there is confusion and turmoil everytime you go around them, than that is not of God. So I had to do some soul searching to make sure I wasn't in the wrong and to also take a stand and say enough is enough.
I just try and maintain a balanced existence in all aspects of my life – love, work, exercise and play.
I shrug off negative people and situations, if possible.
If it's a family member, I certainly express how a feel to them. I let them know that I will limit contact with them until and unless they can get ahold of themselves enough to not be negative and hurtful to me. I let them know that I have open arms, as long as they aren't trying to damage them. We ALL have issues, but the buck stops when you play out your issues on others. I do not tolerate that.
Thank you, Sherell! I, too, needed this today after having an argument with a very dear friend and sister that has left me feeling like without the grace that comes from unconditional love. Your article has given me affirmation and insight into what to do. Blessings to you, dear! Thank you!
Thank you, Sherrell. Your articles are always so insightful and timely.
I needed this today. Thank you!
It takes a lot of introspection, mirror reflection and self awareness to simply admit having abandonment issues. So kudos for that. Too many of us sisters suffer in silence simply because we are so invested in holding up the "I'm alright facade."
What I'd like to add to this topic and what I've discovered through my own self awareness is that negativity is an addiction and it is our choice to feed it. I am no longer afraid to admit that feeding into negativity kept me from being accountable for my own life. There's a cushy feeling to playing your own victim card. And as crazy as it sounds you will always find people to support your victimhood. It's a big club.
When you make attempts at choosing a happy life there will always be family and friends who are threatened by your decision to feel good about life. The old adage…that misery loves company could not be any truer.
In this life thank God that we have the power of choice. I used to feel guilty in giving certain family members a wide berth; but I realized that my guilt was connected to obligation and obligation only leads to resentment and resentment leads to all kinds of toxic. When you're toxic your stuck and then wash, rinse, repeat; it becomes cyclical.
With family its a trick bag because we have been conditioned to seek validation, nurturing from people who are often struggling with their own self-worth. Often we want fuel from people who are living off fumes.
The truth of the matter is that unconditional love only comes from one place: the God of your understanding or the spiritual highway you travel on.
GT.
Let's just say I think I'm on the upward part of the curve after having to learn this lesson over the past 2 years. Great article and affirmation that although they are our family members, it's ok to love them from a far so to speak so as not to have constant inner (and or outer) turmoil. What a lesson to learn and a difficult one at that.