by Taneica of ShatterProofGlassDolls
‘Black men don’t love their black women.’
‘Once I got my big chop, I was no longer seen as attractive.’
‘I don’t have long straight hair, therefore, I am not what society deems as beautiful’.
Depending on who you talk to, some of these statements may ring true. To be quite honest, I think it’s all a load of steaming bull, but to be fair, I’ve never really cared whether or not black men love me. I also never big chopped, so I don’t know how I’d feel if I did. Though my hair is long, it’s not straight, so I’ve gotten my fair share of “Girl, your hair is nappy!” or the “CEILY!!!!” in reference to the Color Purple. None of this has really made me think I was any less pretty though, it just confirmed to me that the people around me were truly morons. I mean, I’m stunning, you don’t need a PhD to see that.
All kidding aside, from very early on, I decided that I would determine what beauty was and is to me. That way, nobody else’s ideals of beauty are important enough for me to even attempt to aim for. At the end of the day, I am who I am and I have to be beautiful to me first before I can expect others to see what’s fine about me.
One of the biggest problems that some of our natural sisters face, especially in the beginning of their natural hair journey, is seeing how truly beautiful they are. Forget what this rapper may have said about dark skin women and what that rapper may have said about natural hair being nappy. They’re rappers, why the hell do you care what some dude with a microphone thinks about YOUR HAIR? Anyway, in spite of what everyone around you may be throwing out as sexy, beautiful, and appealing to society, confidence trumps everything aforementioned.
Where’s Your Swagger?
Look, at the end of the day, you’re stuck with you. 24-7, 7 days a week, 365. With that said, why shouldn’t you be the coolest person you know? If you find yourself in an ‘I’m not pretty or good enough’ slump, the bad news is, you may have lost your swagger. The good news, though, is that it’s not lost forever and fairly easy to get back. There’re three things that you need to do to get your swagger back.
- Find a theme song. Nothing coaxes out my swagger like a little Beyonce or my theme song You Be Kill’n ‘Em by Fabolous. Pick a song that makes you feel like moving and instantly puts a smile on your face. Something that sings/speaks to the essence and beauty of you is preferable. Here’s 5 songs if you’re having trouble:
- You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
- Diva by Beyonce
- Champion by Buju Banton
- Pretty Brown Eyes by Mint Condition
- PYT by Michael Jackson
*make sure the song is on repeat
2. With the music playing, walk up to the mirror and take a good look. Your Feel Good Juices should be flowing by now, so it will be easier to see all that fabulousness that you were missing when you lost your swagger. Take a gooood look and enjoy the view, darling.
3. Play up Your Assets. By now, you’ve probably falling madly in love with yourself, so it shouldn’t be hard to start pointing out some gorgeous things about yourself. What did you discover? Maybe that your skin is flawless. Perhaps you’re impressed with your smile. Especially the cute gap! Could it be your big brown ‘come and get it daddy’ eyes? Whatever it is that you rediscovered and are proud of, flaunt it. How? If you have fantastic skin, try a lotion with a hint of shimmer. You can go out on the town looking like a sexy disco ball! If you have beautiful eyes, pull you hair up and out of your face, put on a little mascara and make eye contact. (HEEEEEY) If you have a great smile, brush, floss and SMILE MORE OFTEN!!!
By now, your swagger should be so awesome, you should be strutting down the aisles at the grocery store because you’re so damn fine. Go get ‘em girl! Don’t hurt anybody!
Work What You Own and Own What You Work
You are who you are. There’s only one make, model and type of YOU. Nobody else can offer the world your brand of personality, style, attitude and fabulousness. Be proud of that and consider yourself blessed. Instead of fussing over what you don’t have, why not focus on what makes you fabulous and what you can do to share your fabulousness with others? There are people out there waiting to see you reach your full potential. Reach for the stars and forget about the haters!
Acknowledge The Ones Who Show Interest and Ignore The Idiots
At the end of the day, you’re not going to please everybody. There are going to be some people who just don’t like the way you look and who aren’t willing to give you a chance anyway. Forget about them. If they don’t like your hair, your smile, your complexion, or your figure they can go kick rocks. For every person that thinks you’re less than, there’s one important person whose opinion matters most: YOURS. Don’t let anybody define who you are and what’s not pretty about you. In fact, make friends who are happy to be a part of your “I Rock!” campaign. If you can’t find it in your immediate circle, there are websites like Afrobella, CurlyNikki, and Shatterproof Glass Dolls who will gladly support you and think you’re beautiful, just the way you are.
so true!!! I hear all these horror stories about name calling etc and then on the other end of the spectrum there are women who have no negative stories and i think it has a lot to do with confidence and how you carry yourself. If you wear your hair with confidence then people will notice this and love your hair just as much as you do
OMG!!!! Luv,Luv,Luv your words. So on point and so direct. Its like that breath of fresh air you need to hear once in a while. I love it, love it. Its my new 'screw them' anthem. And yes,
walk like a champion, talk like a champion
what a piece of body gal, tell me whe you get it from
knock pon your entrance, ram pap pa pam pam
gal let me in, me have the ting whe you a wait pon!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If the world only knew…..
I'm a current 16 yr old transitioner, and I am lost in my on hair. Literally! BTW I've been transitioning for about five or six months now, and I am in need of help. It's not like I don't have my family's support, because i have four other natural family members, one being my mother, who are very willing to help. I also have unsupportive friends and relatives, but don't we all. Anyway, sorry if im rambling but im frustrated, i washed my hair today at around 12 pm. i then went on to pin curl it. let's just say (IT WAS A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILUER!!!) i had to rewash and am now sitting here with rollers in my hair. i have looked and looked for inspiration on this site and countless others, but have come up with failure mostly. I did the straws and they turned out quite well the first time (around Thanksgiving) and lasted for about 1 week, so i had my mom redo them this past Sunday, and as i said i have rollers in my hair now. I NEED HELP! my hair just isn't acting the way i want it to, but more so the way i need it to. i braid, wash deep condition, and keep my hair very well moisterized with shea butter mixed with what ever oil sounds like it will do the job well. Apparently, thats not good enough. what am i doing wrong? mom is always saying "it's going to take time, just wait you will see". Frankly im tired of waiting. call me crazy and my "friends" have but im ready to BC and my parents aren't. especially my dad. he just walked in here and asked me what i was doing so i let him read what i was writing and said i neeeeeeeed inspiration and that i was thinking about BCing. he said "Why, didn't you just get it cut?" im thinking yes and i would have gotten it all chopped off, but no i was looking out for your feelings on the matter. since i can't do anything with these two textures except straighten them (def. not with any more relaxers. ugh) i guess there isn't anything left for me to do but BIG CHOP.
tell me what would you do if you were in my shoes?
Absolutely Awesome. Great post! My theme song is "Don't hate me cuz I'm Beautiful". Yeah!!!!
On bold day my theme is a mix between PYT and Heartburn 🙂
I debated on whether to comment or not, but I figured – what the heck.
I love my hair – even on those occasional days when it gets on my nerves (but when that happens I just pin it up). I love my hair. It's big, thick, wild, and even though I work in corporate America, I make it work. I make it work because I'm comfortable enough in my appearance to not be as affected by negative comments. Case in point – one day the hair was super big, and a colleague started with "Your hair is sooo " then he stumbled, and I finished for him, I said "ridiculously big – isn't it great! I love it!" And it shut him up!
The point is that I know that had I been in a different emotional state where I was unsure about myself, I could have easily fallen into a black hole of emotions, but me feeling great about my 'do, regardless of what anyone else thinks (or says) is more than half the battle. I tell folks, as long as my hair isn't reaching out and grabbing small children, it's all good.
I think the people who constantly insult the women in their lives who wear their hair a particular way already know they're going to get to you. As for those who make blanket statements about a whole group of women they don't know – they are simply stating their preference, just in an ineffective manner. My son also has big hair and he gets made fun of, but he won't cut it to avoid the ridicule because he likes his hair and I think (or I hope) that he believes what I've been telling him for years which is that the people (yes, adults be making fun of my baby as well), who make fun of his hair are simply jealous of the fact that he is comfortable in his skin. It doesn't mean they want hair like his, just means that there is something that they may see in you that they don't in themselves, and the easiest thing for them to do is make fun of him. I wasn't a psych major or anything like that, and I could be completely wrong, but that's what I think 🙂
I love love love this post!!!! This one is so so dear to me. I am going through a low point in my life where my spirit is in a bad state. My work, love life, self estem are out of whack. After reading this something inside me was awoken. Thank you!!!!! a million times.
Yeeeeeeaaa!! This post really cheered me up 🙂 loved what you has to say in this post x
Feeling the song by Bilal called "Soul Sista" There's a part in the song where he says "You are so fine…" but he's saying it like he's testifying or like he's about to have a nervous breakdown because he can hardly believe how awesome and beautiful this woman is. Love it! His video is great too with beautiful sistahs.
Co-sign this post 110%!!!
I hear lots of complaints on the forum stating the same insults and statements you said here and sometimes I just want to say forget about THEM!! More importantly, gain some self confidence. I mean damn, why should someone else's opinion outweigh yours?
This just comes to show that women and girls really suffer from low self esteem and that needs to be corrected, not your hair.
Yes! Yes! Yes! To this post.
The only one you can control is you. If YOU think you are beautiful, that is what matters.
Yes for all the attention the negative (and sometimes ridiculous) posts get, I hope this one gets twice as much!
GO ON Taneica!!!! Preach!!! This article should have over 100 positive responses :). I have a few songs that evoke positive emotion of power and strength in me…one of those songs is Mary J. Blige, "No More Drama." Great inspirational article 🙂
One of my theme songs is by RuPaul "Looking Good and Feelin Gorgeous"….OHHH HON-TY!!!! I will hit it like I am on the catwalk and not care who is looking. There is a part of the song that says "yes honey…10's across the board..ten ten ten ten ten ten ten!" That song get's me going every time!
*brings out MLK church fan and waves it at OP* lol awesome thread and much needed!
some more honorable mentions:
"freakum dress" by B
"yes" by musiq,
"bossy" or "milkshake" lol kelis,
"vibrant thing" q-tip,
"brown skin lady" black star
"womanifesto", "blessed" miss jill scott
"ooh so sexy", "cocoa brown"-jon b.
soooo many, I may post more also most songs from mjb (post k-ci era) lol
ooo…Didn't know others have theme songs I thought I was the only one!! LOL!! Mine is "She's a Bad Mama Jama" by Carl Carlton….
~CocoEuro
You forgot one more theme….I Am Not My Hair–India Airie
You Be Killin Em is my theme song. It was bestowed upon me by an ex SO who encouraged me to shave it all off (in which I did). After doing that and keeping a buzz cut for months, her started to refer to me as Amber Rose lol. I have since grown my hair out, but the name stuck. I have found that when you are confident, it shines through, and others see it. From buzz cut to now, men have loved my hair.~Rnc6
Men are men, and quite frankly I don't give a bunny's butt what men think about hair. As women, we are conditioned to please everyone but ourselves- cater to your man, sacrifice for your children blah blah blah. I'm calling foul! What the hell are men doing to please us?!? *crickets* That's what I thought….. so sick and tired of women spending so much time and energy worrying about what others think about them. WHO GIVES A FLYING FLIP? BLEND OUT DAMMIT!!!!
Yeah having swang is good and all but it can also go to the head..lol.. Point in take my story as I was going into work and looking good from head to foot. Even got stopped by these 2 guys in a car while crossing the street,and chatting with them. I'm just smiling and saying to myself yep I look good and the hair is gorgeous. Only to be brought back to earth as my arse stumbled off the sidewalk and almost fell face forward into the street. Needless to say there were some guys working on a sign outside of the building and got a good laugh at me. But I played it off and kept it moving, thanking god there were no oncoming cars approach as I almost fell in the street. lol..
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Did yall see this funny video that "Haircrush" made on Youtube about amusing natural hair stories? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADltlAXYOXY&feature=channel_video_title
Tab, I understand your frustration. There are solid people in all racial groups, as well as not so savory people in all racial groups.
There ARE many black men who treat black women like roadkill. There are also many who don't. I think that there are a lot of black men who think that having a nonblack woman on their arm elevates their status in society.
Sadly, the rate of black men in prison and tremendously low rates of academic achievement among black men are things that rank highest on how they are viewed. A nonblack woman cannot erase the hard work and effort it would take to improve THAT image. It is truly disheartening that these type of men don't realize that. Read the comments section on any internet news article related to a black man and you will see this for yourself.
It is also sad for the black men who ARE striving to be good men and who reflect the most positive traits ANY man could offer.
I think any woman would be wise to work first on herself. Make herself have the traits she wants to have in a mate (compassion, independence, health, stable finances, etc.). Then (and only then), open herself up to the best man who can (and is willing and able) to match her. Sometimes, that man will NOT physically look like who one may expect.
Let the church say AMEN!!! You preaching now! LOL….Great post. Ditto Kiki Rocks Kinks, couldn't have said it better.
Awesome post!
YAYYYYY! This is actually similar to the post I made on my blog surrounding the whole H&M – computer generated bodies explosion:
http://imanaturalblackgirl.blogspot.com/2011/12/who-defines-beauty.html
EXCELLENT post, every woman should practice these steps whether her self esteem is low, through the roof or on the rise! We have to love ourselves, look at us! We were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made!!!
This article was right on time. I had been feeling down lately. Getting my swagger back 😉 * getting up and dusting myself off*
I am so sick and tired about black women complaining about black men not finding natural hair attractive. So what? They aren't worried about you! Have you seen mixed marriage statistics? Black men are more likely to marry outside their race than black women and are unapologetic about it. I also think that black people in general are the most oppressive group to black people in general. You aren't the stereotype, so you're not black. Don't tell me I'm not black because I have the courage to be different. The open mindedness to try new things. That in and of itself makes me beautiful regardless of my appearance. Have the confidence to be the person you want to be and do the things you want to do. I think another reason black women straighten their hair is the fear of standing out. Be courageous and be different and don't worry about what most black men THINK they want you to look like. Dont limit yourself maybe you're meant to be with a white dude that treats you like a queen no matter what you look like. I know I am!
I hate when people let someone else tell them whether they're beautiful or not. That's what mirrors are for . . . admiring yourself. GREAT POST!!!
This comment is right on time. I just had to give an old boyfriend the business about an hour ago. We haven't seen each other or spoken in over 20 years and made cotact via Facebook. Of course after talking and catching up for over an hour we exchanged pics. I sent old pics (when I had shoulder length relaxed hair) and newer ones from my big chop in September of this year to today.
Homeboy said I liked the relaxed pictures but you are still cute. Do you have locs. I replied no, I no longer relax my hair. He said "get a relaxer LOL". Needless to say I tore in to him. I told him "I will try not to be insulted by that comment; not everyone can appreciate natural hair and unfortunately I see that you don't everyone has their preferences"
I was so dissappointed in his comment that I started to doubt myself and my looks.
Long story short thank you for this article. 🙂
My last theme song was Cutie Pie…I had it as my ring tone. Maybe I should download it again…
My favorite asset are my eyes, lips, and boobs. lol My kids have my eyes as well, and I love staring into their cute little faces.
Great post Tanecia. I already follow you dolls with my google reader, and on youtube. But its great to see you on other sites as well. Keep up the positive energy!
It's so funny that you say "get a theme song." My current theme song is Keri Hilson's Pretty Girl Rock. My boyfriend thought it made her sound conceited, but I had to explain to him that there's nothing wrong with acknowleding one's own beauty every now and then.