“If you stand against the wall, we don’t know where the wall ends and your ass begins!” said my “best friend” from elementary school, making me the butt of her jokes once again. At the time I was a chunky girl whose weight went directly to my stomach, which was always bigger than my hips, making my ass flat as a pancake. Since quitting school was not an option, I consulted my mom who assured me that when I got older my shape would fill out. In junior high things got worse when the captain of the basketball team crushed me: “I don’t date girls who ain’t got no booty.” By high school, I had decided that no one would ever tease or discriminate against me again so I tied a jacket around my waist every single day and even wore a special blinged-out version to the prom.
It was also during high school that my mom broke down and told me the truth. I had inherited The Flat Ass Curse that had been in my family for generations. My mom had it and so did my grandmother. My aunts had it and so did my cousins. Even the dogs had it. The only way to beat The Curse was to have a flat stomach. Damn.
The reason I had a pouch in the first place was because I LOVED food. Eating two sweet potato pies in one sitting was no biggie. So I turned to bulimia, which helped for a while, but I had to quit when my periods stopped and my hair fell out. However, the one thing that I always clung to was that one day I would meet a wonderful Prince who would love me for me. Imagine my complete devastation when I married that Prince and even he sat me down: “I love you, honey, but try to keep your stomach under control because otherwise it messes up your profile.” Nooooooooooo! Not him too! At first I tried guilting him into believing he was just being vain, but the truth is it’s hard when everywhere you turn there is another famous ass. Amber Rose is the new supermodel, Kim K. is today’s Marilyn Monroe and CoCo, well, I just can’t have a conversation about fat asses and not mention her. So the question is what do I do? Pump my backs full of cement and meat chunks in a dingy hotel room, get my stomach tucked or do the freakin’ Brazilian Butt Lift every day for the rest of my life?
As with most things, I depend on trusted friends.
First up is X. Since booties are almost a religion for brothers he’s all over the conversation, getting lost in it. Talking about hip hop’s early backspoitation with songs like LL Cool J’s Big Ole Butt and Sir Mix a Lot’s Baby Got Back. Then crediting porn star John Stagliano’s videos, The Adventures of Buttman, with influencing popular culture. He was about to go further when I stopped him- ”Yo’ X, that’s all good, but the question was would you date a flat ass?” He says he wouldn’t date someone with a concave ass, but he would date someone with a small ass- which I assume is his polite way of saying he wouldn’t date a flat ass. Then he got himself out of it by giving me the number of his Caucasian buddy, Andy, who he says dated a girl with a concave ass. In fact, he says Andy only dates Asian girls. “First,” Andy says, “it’s not true, Sue Ha did not have a concave ass, and it wasn’t that flat.” He also says, “It’s a misconception that white boys don’t like nice asses. All men do.” Damn. Can’t even go white!
Okay, it’s time to get a totally fresh perspective. Surely, my friend Djakaridja who comes straight from the Motherland and has probably seen so many big asses that they don’t even phase him anymore, can tell me that I’m making too much of this. To my astonishment, he speaks of Iron-On Asses. A term they use back in Africa to describe a booty so flat it looks like it’s been pressed on with an iron. WTF! Flat backs in Africa? It’s a global curse! But as the conversation continues, it’s clear that his idea of flat backs and mine is quite different. He references Abina, an African model we both know, as having a flat ass when clearly her booty is round, so I get off the phone because talking to him only makes me feel worse. And confused.
I didn’t want to go there but now I must. It’s time to call my nemesis. A girl with a booty so big and round it was banned from King Magazine. Surely, she can shed some light on this subject. Perhaps there is something I just can’t see.
“How does it feel to have a big booty?”
“Do big asses have more fun?”
“Girl, have you seen the asses out there now? Mine ain’t even big no more.”
Say it ain’t so! If she’s now the poster child for small cakes then things have gotten really bad and I might as well just shoot myself in the head. Okay…before I do that there is one last person to call. Es is Korean and rocks a pancake flatter than mine and is still the most confident woman I know.
“Es, how do you live with a flat booty?”
“Doesn’t it ever bother you?”
“Listen, I know the stereotype about Asian girls not having asses, and it’s true, but mine is above average, so I don’t know what to tell ya.”
Damn, she doesn’t even know that her ass is flat?!
Wait a minute…
X thought Sue Ha was concave; Andy didn’t.
Djakaridja thinks that Abina is flat, but I don’t.
Sach thinks her ass is small; that’s flat out crazy.
And now Es thinks she’s a video vixen!
WTF is going on!!!
Ohhhhhhhhhh! I get it.
Booty is in the eye of the beholder!!!
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