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Why We Need To Stop Telling Our Kids “What Goes On In This House Stays In This House”

Why We Need To Stop Telling Our Kids "What Goes On In This House Stays In This House"
Erickka Sy Savané

“What goes on in this house stays in this house.” We drill this lesson into our kids without even questioning it because we don’t want folks knowing our business — and we all know kids can talk. However, when we impart these words to our kids we could unknowingly be doing them more harm than good.


Author and mother of two, Antoinette White, discovered this a few years back when she had an eye-opening experience with her then-teenage son. It was early morning and after spending a few days with his dad- they were divorced- he had come home to take a shower before school. Annoyed that he didn’t go straight to school from his dad’s place, she screamed, “You’re going to be late!” to which he replied, “I haven’t showered in two days!” Turns out, his father’s utilities were turned off. When she asked him why he didn’t tell her, he repeated back the same words she’d always told him: “What goes on in this house stays in this house.” So that meant not telling her his dad’s business. It was then that she realized the limitations of silencing our kids about what goes on at home. But it didn’t end there…she realized that this silencing is what kept her from telling anyone that she was being sexually abused by her father from six to 12 years old.

“I couldn’t tell my mom, and I wanted to tell my 4th grade teacher, because we had a really goodrelationship, but I felt ashamed and didn’t want it to change the way she felt about me,” Antoinette recalled. Eventually, she did tell her mom, and her teacher, and it was in the telling that she found the healing.

“Telling released the strong hold and burden I had to carry as a little girl,” she explained. “It also brought me joy to know my mom and family were there for support.”

Why We Need To Stop Telling Our Kids "What Goes On In This House Stays In This House"

Today, Antoinette continues to tell her story of sexual abuse and healing in a book she wrote called “Who’s Protecting Me?
She also travels the US and as far as Ghana to speak to young girls on
the topic. It’s so rare that they hear someone speaking so openly and
publicly that they often ask her why she’s telling her story? Antoinette
replies, “Because someone here is being abused and she’s not telling. I
want her to know that she’s not alone.”
She’s certainly not. According to statistics:

And while sexual abuse cases are reported up to 80,000 times a year in the US, the number of unreported cases is far greater because children are afraid to tell anyone what has happened.
has discovered that girls feel comfortable sharing with her that
they’ve been sexually abused, but they won’t tell anyone else in their
home, family, community or even church. So what’s the answer?

vital that we stop making this blanket statement to kids that they
can’t speak to anyone about what is happening at home because kids can’t
discern what really needs to be told. Give them ‘safe’ people
they can talk to outside of the home like grandparents, aunts, church
members, or Godparents if they ever feel afraid or if they are being
harmed in any way. At home, make sure to create an environment where
boys and girls feel safe and encouraged to talk no matter what the

the incident with her son, Antoinette started talking to her kids about
everything from sex and using condoms to being entrepreneurs. And now
that they’re grown she’s still talking, and listening.

For more on author and motivational speaker Antoinette White, visit

This article first appeared on 

Why We Need To Stop Telling Our Kids "What Goes On In This House Stays In This House"
Erickka Sy Savané is managing editor of, a wife, mom, and freelance writer based in Jersey, City, NJ. Her work has appeared in,,, and more. When she’s not writing…wait, she’s always writing! Follow her on Twitter, Instagram or  

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