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10 Signs You’re a “PICK ME” Woman

10 Signs You're a "PICK ME" Woman
Amara La Negra scrubbing the hell out of her man’s shower via IG

By Veronica Wells

Amara La Negra caused quite a stir this week, when she used her Instagram account to send an interesting message. Aside from the fact she was cleaning the bathroom in a bodycon, the image became controversial because of caption:

“A man’s house is a reflection of the woman’s he’s with. Food for thought.” ? Being Pretty is Just a Bonus with me.”

As you can imagine, people took issue with the post for several reasons.

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They didn’t know whether it was a Lysol ad. And they couldn’t figure out why Amara would make it a point to clean a house she doesn’t live in, a house that doesn’t belong to her, and presumably the house of another grown, able-bodied individual. In the modern era, men clean their own houses, not only women are out here working alongside them but because that’s just what responsible adults should be doing for themselves. Furthermore, if a man’s house is dirty, it’s not a reflection of the woman, it’s a reflection of his own triflingness. Period. Fullstop. We’re not absolving men of responsibility and we’re certainly not shouldering the burdens of their own shortcomings.
For as much as I wanted to ride for Amara, she’s proven herself to be a “pick me.” If you’ve never heard the phrase before, a pick me woman is one who tries to distinguish herself from other women with the intent of making herself appear more appealing to other men. If you’re wondering if you’ve ever been or continue to be a pick me or you just want to double-check and make sure you’re not embarrassing yourself on the internet like Ms. Amara, then here are some pitfalls to avoid.Shaming another woman for their choices
Whether it’s her attire, sexual behavior or practices, pick mes specialize in regurgitating sexist double standards like “Dress how you want to be addressed” or “No man wants a woman who everybody’s had.” Interestingly enough, when men operate in the same fashion, they never have anything to say.

Attempting to make yourself more appealing for the sake of men
I’m not talking about putting on makeup or dressing up, I’m talking about broadcasting the things you do– or would do– in a relationship because you believe it will attract the man you desire. The women who post the meals they make for themselves with captions like “Your girlfriend could never…” are prime examples of this.

Blaming feminism for the destruction of the Black community
Crack, poverty, racism and slavery are all acceptable places to point the blame when we talk about what has contributed to our challenges as a people. Believing women deserve equal rights is not one of them.

Unwillingness to hold men accountable…for anything
If a man cheats and you immediately point to what his wife did wrong…then you’re hustling backward and playing the Pick Me game.

Hotepian
If you find yourself or another woman sounding like a Hotep, repeating homophobic rhetoric, advocating for polygamy because monogamy is unnatural etc, then there’s a chance you’re saying and doing these things to make yourself seem down.


Marriage material
I learned a long time ago, that what we’ve been taught to believe was marriage material is a farce. There are so many of us who are still in a tizzy trying to figure out “How did she get married?” She got married because marriage material is relative and generally a way for men to control the behavior of women. There are other ways to describe your appealing qualities.

You speak against your own
Nothing is a stronger red flag than listening to another woman say she doesn’t get along with women or she’d rather “hang out with the boys.” Even if men have more female friends, they never disparage other men. This is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to seem “cool” by insulting your own kind.

Take outrageous and unnecessary actions for the sake of proving to a man that they love them
In the bowels of Instagram, I found a woman who suggested that she stands every time her husband entered a room as a way to honor him. Her rationale was that if she stood on Sunday to honor the Pastor, she could certainly stand to honor her husband. Do what you feel. But let that practice be something you do for your man, rather than insinuating that women who don’t do the same somehow don’t value their partners. Furthermore, when you ask these women what their men do to honor them, they can only name the essentials like being faithful and paying bills.

Always want to know what the woman did when she was assaulted, abused etc.
If you’re one of those women who always believes there are two sides to a story when a woman was abused or want to know “What she did” you’re a mouthpiece of misogyny.

Claim that they don’t require anything from a man
Unlike independence, pick mes are appealing to the newer generation of men by claiming that they’re not high maintenance. Ex: “I don’t need my man to spend any money on me. I can just cook a meal and we can watch movies at his place.” You need to see a little more than that sis. Trying to prove that a man won’t have to work to get or keep you, also means he likely won’t value you as he should either.

Are you a Pick Me woman? Have you been around any?
10 Signs You're a "PICK ME" Woman
Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days” and the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

22 Comments

  • Evon B Morgan says:

    You must realize the irony of the adjetive. Seriously! It loses all credibility and so do its proponents.

  • Zuma says:

    I just want to say, that you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Don’t let these radicalised people shame you for being level-headed and unbiased. I also wish for men and women to love and respect each other, rather than working to divide us. It is normative for us to want a partner and laying the blame solely at the feet of one gender, breeds resentment, but perhaps more damaging, is the fact that it throws your argumentation into question. Be proud of who you are and what you do! (I have tried to make this as neutral as possible, but I suspect I will still be taken to task for what I’ve said)

  • Lana says:

    I personally think a pick=me girl is a girl who often shames or uses mysoginistic comments/behavior on other women to try to appeal to men. As I do agree with almost the whole article, I also think people can often mislabel that term on women who just have a specific type of personality. Not because sometimes you dislike a person who happens to be female are you a pick=me. Women can have flaws too. However, this does not mean they have more flaws than men do or that men are superior. I am all up for feminism, but there can sometimes be some cases where it can get to an extreme, just that this is mostly feminazi behavior mislabeled as “feminism”. It can get really annoying that just because you have more male friends than female it means that you hate women and/or are jealous of them. Gender plays way too big of a role when it comes to these issues. I think this was a valid term when it first had its origin, but some people have exploited it way too much. If this goes on, you will only harm it, making it lose significance.

  • Anna says:

    I had a coworker who is a pick me, and she is the worst! She would listen to the sexist guys laughing at how rape is funny without saying, be “understanding” when they claimed women should be beaten up because those poor guys need this (!), even pretend everything is fine when one of them groped her (!!!!!!), but get passive aggressive against me for a long time when I “dared” to defend myself of all that misogynistic bullshit. I wish I was exaggerating, but unfortunately I am not.

    Leaving that job was one of the best things I ever did.

  • Cheyna says:

    Well said, this article is contradictory.

    Last sign says: Ex: “I don’t need my man to spend any money on me. I can just cook a meal and we can watch movies at his place.” You need to see a little more than that sis.

    But the first sign says: “Shaming another woman for their choices
    Whether it’s her attire, sexual behavior or practices…”

    Telling someone “You need to see a little more than that sis” is shaming a woman for her practices. If her practice is simplicity, then that works for her.

    And sorry to burst the other’s bubble but many women do lie about assault, rape, etc. The city of Rosewood was destroyed because of such a lie. Wanting to hear all sides and get all information doesn’t make someone a “pick me”. This whole “pick me” thing is just a way for women to control other women through shaming. But isn’t that sign #1 of a pick me? I guess it’s okay to shame women into feminism though, right? 🙄 For the record, no shaming is okay because it’s all rooted in trying to control the thoughts and movements of others.

    This article and those like it seem to be written by man-haters who want all women to join in the anti-man game and use female solidarity as the smoke screen. Some women want to be married and have male attention. What’s wrong with that? Why is the other policing and shaming these women? Men and women need each other on the whole for balance in the world. If only 1 were needed, both wouldn’t exist.

    And if wanting to be a wife (and I’d have to be appealing to a man to become so), being conservative, calling women (AND MEN) out on their promiscuity which risks the health of everyone btw (STD rates are high for a reason), preferring to be around men (because they won’t try to use terms like “pick me”), wanting all facts of criminal cases (because women have and do lie about assault, rape, etc. – story of Rosewood is a prime example), etc. makes me a pick me then I’m cool with that.

  • casie says:

    Pick me women come from pick me mothers. My mother was one and then so was i in my early 20s. Glad i grew out of it.

  • Clara Agnes says:

    These seem to be a set of behaviors that are quite unhealthy for women.
    It didn't seem to me that the goal of the author was to shame a woman who embodies these behaviors but to offer yet another framework for a woman to reflect on their own behaviors and identify if they fall into any of these for the wrong reasons.

    Now, regarding the last comment, other women shaming you (if this is the case) for how you do things in your life it's not okay, and I don't think you should take it or change anything out of this kind of pressure.

    It's your choice to reflect on how you show up in your relationships and use any framework and knowledge to decide how can you improve and the life you want to live (for you, not for others who don't have your best interest at heart).

    Finally yes, I don’t think any of this is man versus woman, it is about each of us doing our best to create the best relationships we can with each other. And, learning to respect ourselves is a very important part of it.

  • Anonymous says:

    i support other women yet I am constantly shamed by a handful of some girls (not all, ofc!) that I have pick me behavior. I am conservative and believe in patience in relationships. I also believe in second chances. I do not think cheating can be forgiven. I do not think women are ever to be blamed for being assaulted. That doesn’t mean that us women dont have flaws too, though! I just want to get along with both men & women and stop creating this divide but this desire is apparently “pick me” behavior. I can blame a man for what he has done but isnt it also fair to blame women too? Sometimes, we make mistakes too! I know I use to be very toxic and I hurt a lot of people. I never saw how I could make mistakes because I was hurting so much. Maybe things we do as women are also hurting men as well as them hurting us? Thats what I think rn and for some reason I am shunned by my own kind. As women, we should create harmony. Shunning pick me girls is the exactly what you shouldn’t be doing. Who cares if shes a pick me girl? What’s wrong with a women trying to appeal to a man and whats wrong with making mistakes? She had low self esteem and we, as women, need to support and help. :). Thats what I think. ��

    • Cheyna says:

      Well said, this article is contradictory.

      Last sign says: Ex: “I don’t need my man to spend any money on me. I can just cook a meal and we can watch movies at his place.” You need to see a little more than that sis.

      But the first sign says: “Shaming another woman for their choices
      Whether it’s her attire, sexual behavior or practices…”

      Telling someone “You need to see a little more than that sis” is shaming a woman for her practices. If her practice is simplicity, then that works for her.

      And sorry to burst the other’s bubble but many women do lie about assault, rape, etc. The city of Rosewood was destroyed because of such a lie. Wanting to hear all sides and get all information doesn’t make someone a “pick me”. This whole “pick me” thing is just a way for women (especially liberal women) to control other women (especially conservative women or women who want to be appealing to men – sign #3) through shaming. But isn’t that sign #1 of a pick me? I guess it’s okay to shame women into feminism 🙄 For the record, no shaming is okay because it’s all rooted in trying to control the thoughts and movements of others.

  • Anonymous says:

    i've been called a pick me even tho i don't show any of the behaviors mentioned above,,,

    • anonymous says:

      I just got called one today for accidentally voicing out my low left esteem (not in front of Any males). I was looking for support and maybe just to talk about it. Like a friend relating to a group of friends and two of them called me a “Pick Me Girl”. I don’t do any of the things above and I think that Some of them are ok. Everyone wants to stand out and have a voice but as long as you stay true to who you are and stop devaluing yourself or others that is completely fine. We should stop dividing people into groups it’ll never fix anything just cause more insecurity. Like a cicle.

  • Wholsome says:

    I once tried chasing what was truly gone,but realizing the damage i was about doing to myself,i retraced my steps. I lived in misery for the past 2yrs,while trying to be the best girlfriend to a guy who could cheat and lie to my face at the same time, I believed him because i love him, but after getting access to his phone through the spyware sent to me by a cyber professional, {hackingloop6 @ gmail com}.I saw how disrespectful he treated me over the years we dated.hackingloop is also reachable on WhatsApp + 1 484  540 – 0785 

  • Anonymous says:

    @Allison, I think what she means is that if you share online that you aren't high maintenance, you're a pick me. There is nothing wrong with being low maintenance, but there is when you broadcast it online because you directly or subconsciously want men to compare you to other females.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank the frickin lord I ain't a pick me girl!! I was starting to think so when I said "I don't need a man to be happy" Turns out I was just tryna uplift myself. Not get guys to like me! Cool article!

  • Anonymous says:

    Good points, however, there seems to be a bit of misandry here and there… such as "because marriage material is relative and generally a way for men to control the behavior of women". Additionally, what's wrong with a woman liking simple couple things like just chilling and watching a movie together? Not all, but in some cases, there are two sides to the story or else false sexual assault/rape allegations wouldn't be a thing; it's important to be vigilant but unbiased!

  • Anonymous says:

    This was an awesome article. I feel sad for pick me's, as I find they have a misunderstanding of what feminism is really about and instead see it as "the downfall of humnan society" etc. But that's simply not the case and this article highlights some of the toxic behaviour that can happen as a result. Thanks for the read!

  • Allison says:

    Being against your own kind is a huge red flag. Often these signs stir up from a very low self esteem. It's not going by the logic of i am valuable. Pick me is going by the logic of i am Only valuable if I do this or sound like this or that.

    Yet not every single one of these signs suggest that the woman is a pick me. For example, the last sign of not wanting much from a man. A woman can value herself, pay for herself and stand her own way and only expect pure love, affection and protection from a man and not you know pay bills for example (im talking in the first couple months of dating) after that if he loved her he's going to go beyond that. So I definetly think that it depends. I think it's not much about what the woman shows but the place it comes from. Low self esteem. Or personal conviction

  • Unknown says:

    Hey girl! Just stopping by to say good job. Keep blogging. This was an engaging read. Some tips that i feel may enhance the article may be to find some tweets or insta pics that serve as an example for some of the points. It will bring some color and liveliness. Your slaying <3

  • Unknown says:

    i hate pick mes

  • Anonymous says:

    Loved this! Perfectly said. The first commenter is clearly a triggered insecure man or a pick me woman lol. Too funny!

  • Unknown says:

    Nice article!! So true, and sorry about the other person's anti-feminism comment, what an ass

  • Unknown says:

    Well feminism did destroy society so she’s not a pick me girl for being logical and not accept the lie going on that feminism is for equality, when any educated individual knows that feminism is a female supremacy movement and hate movement against men/boys/masculinity.

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