The birth and death of friendships are as mysterious and unpredictable as waves washing up on the shore. We can’t predict
when and what they’ll bring into our lives. We don’t know what they’ll take or
teach us when they leave. My would-be best friend struggled with low
self-esteem, depression, and abandonment issues. After nearly a decade of
knowing each, I chose to end the friendship. It felt horrible abandoning my friend at what seemed to be a low
point in her life. Six months after our last conversation, I reconciled that
we were both running on empty and didn’t have anything left to give. I finally
forgave myself and my friend for letting our relationship die, and I learned some valuable things in the process. Here are 6 tips for ending friendships gracefully.
when and what they’ll bring into our lives. We don’t know what they’ll take or
teach us when they leave. My would-be best friend struggled with low
self-esteem, depression, and abandonment issues. After nearly a decade of
knowing each, I chose to end the friendship. It felt horrible abandoning my friend at what seemed to be a low
point in her life. Six months after our last conversation, I reconciled that
we were both running on empty and didn’t have anything left to give. I finally
forgave myself and my friend for letting our relationship die, and I learned some valuable things in the process. Here are 6 tips for ending friendships gracefully.
1. Get clear on why
Before officially putting friendships to rest, it is important to understand why the relationship is ending. This might be a solo journey for both the breaker and the broken. The why will determine whether there is hope for the future and how best to end the relationship.
If you’re a person who finds yourself in a season of losing friends, take a moment to reflect. Are you in an emotionally needy place? Has your friend circle reached critical mass and is causing you to be neglectful? Figuring this out might be a solo journey because old friends don’t owe you an explanation for the breakup.
2. Consider the future
If you think you might want to reconnect or engage with someone in a different way a heart-to-heart might be helpful. Meanwhile, an
Irish goodbye or ghosting might work well for those who you have outgrown but
have no beef with. Quietly exiting is
also best for familial or professional relationships. Try muting instead of
unfriending on social media. This option allows you to reinter quietly should your feelings or situation change.
Hitting the block button is fine on those who are ign’ant, hostile, or abusive.
Irish goodbye or ghosting might work well for those who you have outgrown but
have no beef with. Quietly exiting is
also best for familial or professional relationships. Try muting instead of
unfriending on social media. This option allows you to reinter quietly should your feelings or situation change.
Hitting the block button is fine on those who are ign’ant, hostile, or abusive.
For you blocked
souls consider what re-entering someone’s life will look like before reaching
out. Can you spend quality time with them? Are you prepared to apologize for
any perceived wrongdoing and change your habits? We all have friends who aren’t
in our daily life but are still dependable; don’t bug people just to soothe
your conscience.
souls consider what re-entering someone’s life will look like before reaching
out. Can you spend quality time with them? Are you prepared to apologize for
any perceived wrongdoing and change your habits? We all have friends who aren’t
in our daily life but are still dependable; don’t bug people just to soothe
your conscience.
3. Stay firm
Breaking up isn’t a one-and-done type of
situation. If you’re a person who longs for peace, you might find yourself
rekindling bad relationships. Once you’ve given
your soon-to-be former friend a fair trial and sentencing, don’t debate it
again. Writing the reason down in one concise sentence can keep you from
wavering. Thinking about reconnecting? Set criteria
and a check-in reminder to see if they’ve changed. Don’t torture
yourself by constantly refreshing their social media profile or rehashing the
details with other friends.
situation. If you’re a person who longs for peace, you might find yourself
rekindling bad relationships. Once you’ve given
your soon-to-be former friend a fair trial and sentencing, don’t debate it
again. Writing the reason down in one concise sentence can keep you from
wavering. Thinking about reconnecting? Set criteria
and a check-in reminder to see if they’ve changed. Don’t torture
yourself by constantly refreshing their social media profile or rehashing the
details with other friends.
4. Watch your words
“Have
friends and treat them well, but never tell them
your secrets. For when your friend becomes your foe, around the world your
secret goes.”
friends and treat them well, but never tell them
your secrets. For when your friend becomes your foe, around the world your
secret goes.”
Losing a confidant
can push you into becoming closer to someone else (#ReboundBFF). Desiring a mutual enemy of your former friend is
natural. Watch out for people who spend the majority of their time
addressing their haters or reveling in others’ failures. How they treat their
enemies is how they will treat you. Form relationships based on positive
interests. Keep it classy. Unless someone is a threat, no one needs to know why
you broke up or join you in boycotting.
can push you into becoming closer to someone else (#ReboundBFF). Desiring a mutual enemy of your former friend is
natural. Watch out for people who spend the majority of their time
addressing their haters or reveling in others’ failures. How they treat their
enemies is how they will treat you. Form relationships based on positive
interests. Keep it classy. Unless someone is a threat, no one needs to know why
you broke up or join you in boycotting.
5. There isn’t always a villain
“Friendship
is not social work; it’s a different arrangement. It doesn’t have to be equal
or mutual.” – Dear Sugar (When
Friendships End)
is not social work; it’s a different arrangement. It doesn’t have to be equal
or mutual.” – Dear Sugar (When
Friendships End)
Friendship is
about being charitable. However, it’s
okay to leave the relationship if you find yourself feeling more as an
emotional dumping ground. You can’t fill someone’s emotional bank when yours is
empty. In some situations, you have to close one door (enabling through
listening) for another door to open (getting real help versus wallowing). There
doesn’t have to be a villain or major wrongdoing; it is okay to dump someone
for being blah.
about being charitable. However, it’s
okay to leave the relationship if you find yourself feeling more as an
emotional dumping ground. You can’t fill someone’s emotional bank when yours is
empty. In some situations, you have to close one door (enabling through
listening) for another door to open (getting real help versus wallowing). There
doesn’t have to be a villain or major wrongdoing; it is okay to dump someone
for being blah.
6. Forgive & let go
Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Whether you are the
forgiver or the forgiven, you have to
know when to let go. Just because you’ve forgiven
a person does not mean they should have the same level of access to your life.
In cases where someone hasn’t matured, you definitely
do not need to forgive them publicly;
that’s just giving them another opportunity to waste your time.
forgiver or the forgiven, you have to
know when to let go. Just because you’ve forgiven
a person does not mean they should have the same level of access to your life.
In cases where someone hasn’t matured, you definitely
do not need to forgive them publicly;
that’s just giving them another opportunity to waste your time.
If you recognize that
someone has ended your friendship, accept that you may not enter into their
space again. Whether you’ve changed is irrelevant. Like a criminal who served their time, you
must forgive yourself for past mistakes. Don’t make the mistake of badgering
people into forgiving you. Start fresh by going where you are wanted.
someone has ended your friendship, accept that you may not enter into their
space again. Whether you’ve changed is irrelevant. Like a criminal who served their time, you
must forgive yourself for past mistakes. Don’t make the mistake of badgering
people into forgiving you. Start fresh by going where you are wanted.
Do you have a hard time ending friendships?
Onicia Muller is a Caribbean writer and comedian currently freezing her buns off in Chicago. A former crime reporter and children’s columnist, she’s found her happy place writing about women in entertainment. If you’re into oversharing, read her weekly humor column Just Being Funny in The Daily Herald’s Weekender. In June 2018, she received IGNITE Caribbean’s 30 Under 30 Caribbean American Emerging Leaders and Changemakers award for her work as a cultural influencer.
