I’ve been unfaithful. To myself. Repeatedly. Banging my head against the wall until I could see the blood for myself has always been my inclination.
When my mind is made up, not much can break my determination. I don’t let people decide for me. I know that I won’t truly feel settled in a situation that I was forced into against my own conviction. If I’d listened to popular opinion when I got pregnant at 23 — unmarried, unsettled and drowning in debt — I wouldn’t have my bubbalicious, 11 year old son around today to make the world a better place for us all. So, you’re welcome for that.
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But the trouble comes when my mind is not made up. That’s when I allow myself to be very influenced by what seems easiest in the moment. I’ve cheated myself time and time again because of my lack of confidence. If I wasn’t sure of myself, I’d just let whatever was happening – happen.
I have been:
Yelled at.
Scolded.
Dismissed.
Lied to.
Unappreciated.
Betrayed.
Disrespected.
Devalued.
All because I wasn’t completely sure that I didn’t deserve it. But I don’t blame the people who did those things to me. I blame myself because in those moments I willingly allowed someone else’s limitations to become my own. And when given the chance, I would almost always go back for more. Chasing chaos.
My self-cheating ways haven’t only been restricted to how I’ve allowed others to treat me. They show up in how I’ve treated myself — financially, physically, and emotionally. Feeling uncertain about how to “fix” my bad habits, I allowed them to continue because well, bad or not, they were familiar.
I have:
Thrown thousands of dollars away through reckless spending.
Consistently eaten foods that made me sick to my stomach.
Put drugs and alcohol into my body on a daily basis.
Said hateful things to myself and been perpetually depressed.
All because I was never completely certain that I had the willpower to change.
But wait. This is no surprise. This self-denial is what I predicted for myself. Somewhere early in my adult years, I created this self-fulfilling prophecy of defeat. Maybe it was when my boyfriend slept with another girl in front of my roommate. Or maybe it was when I lost my honors scholarship. Maybe it was this bad experience or that bad decision. Somewhere along the way, I decided that deep down, I was no good. And that good things weren’t meant to happen to me.
With this cancerous belief metastasizing into every part of my life, I cheated myself. I doubted myself. I sold myself short. Just like I knew I would.
Does any part of this ring true for you?
If so, you and you alone have the power to stop cheating yourself. If you didn’t get a chance to read last week’s Simple Freedom Friday, here’s the punch line, “Create the highest, grandest vision for your life, because you become what you believe.” – Oprah Winfrey
No matter what’s happened to you, you can stop cheating yourself. You can change your self-prophecy. Just decide.
