I’ve been unfaithful. To myself. Repeatedly. Banging my head against the wall until I could see the blood for myself has always been my inclination.
When my mind is made up, not much can break my determination. I don’t let people decide for me. I know that I won’t truly feel settled in a situation that I was forced into against my own conviction. If I’d listened to popular opinion when I got pregnant at 23 — unmarried, unsettled and drowning in debt — I wouldn’t have my bubbalicious, 11 year old son around today to make the world a better place for us all. So, you’re welcome for that.
But the trouble comes when my mind is not made up. That’s when I allow myself to be very influenced by what seems easiest in the moment. I’ve cheated myself time and time again because of my lack of confidence. If I wasn’t sure of myself, I’d just let whatever was happening – happen.
I have been:
All because I wasn’t completely sure that I didn’t deserve it. But I don’t blame the people who did those things to me. I blame myself because in those moments I willingly allowed someone else’s limitations to become my own. And when given the chance, I would almost always go back for more. Chasing chaos.
My self-cheating ways haven’t only been restricted to how I’ve allowed others to treat me. They show up in how I’ve treated myself — financially, physically, and emotionally. Feeling uncertain about how to “fix” my bad habits, I allowed them to continue because well, bad or not, they were familiar.
Thrown thousands of dollars away through reckless spending.
Consistently eaten foods that made me sick to my stomach.
Put drugs and alcohol into my body on a daily basis.
Said hateful things to myself and been perpetually depressed.
All because I was never completely certain that I had the willpower to change.
But wait. This is no surprise. This self-denial is what I predicted for myself. Somewhere early in my adult years, I created this self-fulfilling prophecy of defeat. Maybe it was when my boyfriend slept with another girl in front of my roommate. Or maybe it was when I lost my honors scholarship. Maybe it was this bad experience or that bad decision. Somewhere along the way, I decided that deep down, I was no good. And that good things weren’t meant to happen to me.
With this cancerous belief metastasizing into every part of my life, I cheated myself. I doubted myself. I sold myself short. Just like I knew I would.
Does any part of this ring true for you?
If so, you and you alone have the power to stop cheating yourself. If you didn’t get a chance to read last week’s Simple Freedom Friday, here’s the punch line, “Create the highest, grandest vision for your life, because you become what you believe.” – Oprah Winfrey
No matter what’s happened to you, you can stop cheating yourself. You can change your self-prophecy. Just decide.