Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock the last 24 hours, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve seen Kanye West’s new video Fade. But if you’re one of the 3% who hasn’t, I can pretty much sum up the feeling everybody had after seeing it in one sentence. We all woke up this morning and renewed our gym memberships.
I’ve actually been procrastinating renewing mine for a little bit. In fact, I haven’t had one since college I think, and technically the only reason I did was because it was included in my student fees. Are you judging me right now? But beers are my go to drink and last night I definitely started rethinking it. Somebody needs to invent the Crystal Light version of beer cause my diet clearly isn’t working.
Just like the 3% of people who’ve managed to not see this video, I’m probably one of the 3% of people I know who actually has a Tidal account. So I get the pleasure of not having to fast forward through the VMA reruns and rewatch it with the click of a single button. Each time I watch it though, I’m not mad at Teyana Taylor, but I become more mad at myself. Because if Teyana can bounce back like this two weeks after she had her baby, I’m pretty sure I’m doing something wrong. Something. Like…not properly doing my pushups, or not doing pushups at all.
This morning I called 24 Hour Fitness and asked for the Teyana Special. The salesperson didn’t know who Teyana was so I made her watch the new video with me while I was on the phone signing up for my membership. She also happened to be one of the rare 3% of people who had Tidal so we already had a common bond. After watching the video, we both agreed that this needed to be a thing. So, now it is. The Teyana Special is a special membership for those of you like me who haven’t worked out in years, but want to tone down like Teyana in two weeks. And if I switch from beer to Crystal Light for two weeks, it’s definitely a possibility.
Apparently I’m not the only one feeling this way, because I’ve seen at least 63% of the women on my Snapchat story make an abrupt switch from bottomless mimosas to bottomless lunges this morning. A couple of them even left brunch and went straight to the gym, sundress and all. Because apparently it’s that serious.
But we can’t have you out here strugg like the rest of the world who hasn’t caught on, so just know that I’m looking out for you. So call your local gym and ask for the Teyana Special. Use the discount code mikeorie. It’s good for two free weeks, which is truthfully how long most of us will last before we’re back to our old routines anyway. And if for some reason you haven’t seen any results in those two weeks, I urge you to demand a refund.
Mike “Orie” Mosley is a freelance writer/photographer and cultural advocate from St. Louis. He holds a Bachelor of Arts in Arts, Entertainment & Media Management from Columbia College Chicago and a Masters in Higher Education Administration from LSU. He is also the co-founder of music and culture website www.theconscioustip.com. In his spare time, he’s probably listening to hip hop & neo soul music, hitting up brunch or caught up in deep conversations about Black music. You can follow him on Twitter @mike_orie or on Instagram @mikeorie