PROOF OF GRACE.
I was not pleased with myself this morning. After a few days off our regularly scheduled routine- a healthy blend of play, relaxation, and study- we were up til today haha like midnight, prepping for the week, and helping Max study for this morning’s midterm (and the big one tomorrow, and the spelling and vocab tests today).
He had only confidently made it through 80% of the material; the rest he felt ‘okay’ about, though he felt generally positive overall, albeit VERY sleepy. We were all dragging and running late this morning (even though our late is still early), and while I wasn’t yelling or visibly upset (displaying my discontent, like I used to lol, like I learned to haha), I could still feel the discontent inside.
I could feel the self-imposed pressure, the clenching, the worry, all the nagging and lecturing that wanted to spill out and take form. That feeling wanted to become thoughts and words. Words that could wound, even if they were meant to help. I just watched it. Even though we needed to go over his spelling and vocab words in the car on the way to school, we still prayed. I could feel the speed at which I tried to get through the prayers. I kept catching the ‘hurry’… I kept catching the ‘nikki’… and stopping.
And slowing.
And breathing.
And hearing ‘Hail Mary’ inside… actually feeling as though I was, I am INSIDE of the secret place. That sacred place that God chose for His Son.
That I, too, am in the Womb still, being formed.
I have a WAYSSSSS to go. But that thought, and brief moments of breathing with eyes closed (at stop lights), breathed me back into His Peace. Nikki 5 years ago would’ve been insufferable this morning. Nikki today still struggled. But she kept turning back.
And when I got to church, my favorite priest this side of the Mississippi (haha I still spell that while singing the song) was there. And that’s not even his church. This priest (Father Jesus Martinez) is the reason I know the Salve Regina. He’s the reason I learned it in Latin and sing it every day. His great devotion to Jesus’ Mother inspired mine.
He was the priest who said the Mass this morning. After it ended, I asked a long-term member of the church if he comes often, and she told me maybe once in the last few years. There you go.
You take one step toward God, and He runs to you and blesses you with something or someone that can’t be dismissed. I got to sing Salve Regina this morning, and Immaculate Mary (Ave Maria) with other souls. If that’s not proof of Grace, I don’t know what is.
I Love you,
nik
