I am not a gadget person. I barely know how to use my computer. It has taken me a long time to jump on and ride the wave of Instagram. I am that paranoid conspiracist that refuses to allow certain apps on my phone because they request all of my information. I just recently took FB off of my phone so that I don’t waste precious time scrolling and “liking” dumb shit that people I don’t know post about.
Even with such firm resistance, I still find myself mid conversation with someone I love pressing that brown camera icon and watching other people’s lives pass by vertically by the swoop of my finger.
Last month, I found myself in bed at night, exhausted and with intentions of closing my eyes to escape my thoughts and I would pick up my phone after being beckoned by some beep or buzz. “Nothing but stupid spam.” Twenty minutes later I found myself on FB or instagram scrolling, falling into the deep dark rabbit hole of Lashontae’s page. My chest would fill with a strange kind of feeling. It was a feeling like I had bees inside my chest, anxious, ashamed, like wanting to get up and run but feeling paralyzed. I couldn’t put the phone down even though something deep within me was screaming for me to stop immediately.
What I found to be the most interesting about this phenomena was I was in a dark place emotionally last month. I didn’t want to think or face the emotions that were swirling within me like a hurricane. So I found myself fixating on the outer world. Distracted. Obsessed. Wanting. Neglectful.
I watch as I see so many others doing the same thing everywhere with heads down, shoulders slumped, ignoring chatty friends, expectant lovers, needy children, fleeting family time, bright sunny days and the bond of eye contact.
What is this? Escapism?
I am working on denying myself of this strange addiction and learning to be present with others and most importantly myself. Instead of watching the memes, food, hair, bodies, and blessings of others I will be mindful of me no matter how uncomfortable that may be.
How Does Social Media Make You Feel?
Answer Honestly, I am Interested to Know.
For me, I have this compulsive need to refresh my email. Sometimes my body goes through the motions and I’m not even aware! It’s bizarre and it has to stop! #GotstaDoMoBetta