“You shouldn’t try to stop everything from happening. Sometimes you’re supposed to feel awkward. Sometimes you’re supposed to be vulnerable in front of people. Sometimes it’s necessary because it’s all part of you getting to the next part of yourself, the next day.”
– Cecelia Ahern
I don’t know what to say exactly.
I am in between. I am looking around and deciding. Getting to the next part of myself, I guess. For me, that means lots of tears and long staring contests with myself. Lots of walks and meditations and wanting to be alone.
I don’t know what’s next. I’m not satisfied the way I thought I would be. That’s not easy to admit, but it’s my realest, most unavoidable truth at the moment. I hear this a lot, “…I took the leap and then everything just kind of fell into place for me.” That has not been my experience. Or maybe I’m just being shortsighted.
Could it be that this awkward in between is the falling into place?
If so, I assumed the fall would be more graceful than this. There I go, still craving perfection. Part of me still wants to appear impossibly charming and confident and fresh no matter what is going on. I am working on letting that go. I am quite certain that everything is coming together as it should, but managing my feelings in the meantime is anything but easy.
I do know that what used to matter doesn’t matter so much anymore.
And that has me feeling a bit lost. As I strip myself down to my essentials, I feel light but naked. I feel free but loose like I’m not strapped in to the vehicle that is carrying me. I don’t know what to make of it all so I just sit back and look around and cry and smile and write.
Somehow I know that by allowing myself to fall, I will find the grace that I seek.